I'm limiting myself to only a couple of teachers

[Strangeloop]

Leo has said that I shouldn't be only watching his videos. I should go and find different kinds of teachers, each teacher for a different domain of life. And I say that I kinda do that, but at the same I don't.

And most of my teachers are like spiritual gurus. Which gives me a sense of practicality, but I don't use that sense, I just operate from my intuition(whatever comes to mind at the moment I do it.(and it doesn't have to be literally from the mind, it just happens naturally)). 

So whenever I try to learn a new thing, a new skill, or even when I try to better the skills I already have - I hit a wall. I think to myself, nooo... this is not worth doing, do something easy. Do something else, do nothing and so on.

I get this sense that only limiting myself to watching only Leo's videos and a couple others, but most of my knowledge comes from Leo. I discriminate other knowledgeable sources that could solve my problems.

Things like sitting down and meditating, thinking on my own is a struggle. I can't find the will to think of the solutions or even to look them up on the internet. And then I do find the will I just make an excuse not to do the exercise or the thing that would save me a bunch of burden.

I could get another job, I could find another video to watch. But does that make me more rich in terms of money and knowledge? Do I get power from that? Do I get sex, fame, people to hangout with?

No... all I get is some videos about things I don't even understand and that makes no sense to me. I try to mimick the same style to shoot videos to be a guru and then I fail,(I started my own facebook group and a youtube channel to gain a following and maybe get a living out of it someday.) because I don't have enough experience and because I hate myself for being a failure.

All this selfishness to get this to get that... It makes me angry, but I want it so bad because I feel like it's going to help my situation.

I don't want to do any of this contemplation sh**. I don't want to be the guy that everyone resents because he tries to control everyone and everything. But at the same time I want to control everybody, Like the whole universe should be at my fingertips. That's how I feel. I feel power-hungry.

And the teachers... How can I be the teacher if I don't have the experience nor the respect like the elders do. Who is going to follow me when I'm just some lazy bastars who lays in bed all day and doesn't take action for his own life?!?!

I don't know man... This kind of things I think about. Maybe I'm not the God I once thought I was. It's because I'm stuck in this body, the human body. The childish monkey who does whatever it takes to rationalize his defeats to never try again...

 

[At awe]

Could You teach yourself to enjoy the process? 
Does it get frustrating maybe when You want to see the results too quickly? Where’s the hurry?

 

[Strangeloop]

I can try@At awe

The hurry is caused by my impatience and the want to get everything all at once.

And yes It does get frustrating. I just want great results so badly that I get dissapointed then I don't get them.

 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Strangeloop
unanswered question

[JosephKnecht]

1 hour ago, Strangeloop said:

I don't want to do any of this contemplation sh**. I don't want to be the guy that everyone resents because he tries to control everyone and everything. But at the same time I want to control everybody, Like the whole universe should be at my fingertips. That's how I feel. I feel power-hungry.

You can't control your own actions. Why do you think you can control others? 

1 hour ago, Strangeloop said:

And the teachers... How can I be the teacher if I don't have the experience nor the respect like the elders do. Who is going to follow me when I'm just some lazy bastars who lays in bed all day and doesn't take action for his own life?!?!

Nobody is born a teacher. Every teacher was once a student.

The question is, when did the student become a teacher? When the student learned more than the teacher. 

You have to apply what you have learned. If you don't apply it, how would you know if you have learned truths or falsehoods?

[Strangeloop]

@JosephKnecht

50 minutes ago, JosephKnecht said:

 

You mean like, I have to apply beliefs? Or what? Like if someone says "You are me" How the hell are you going to apply that? Sorry if it seems like I'm attacking you.