Have I Been Meditating For Years?

[Zach]

I actually searched to find someone like Leo after I learned about Sigmund Freud from a friend, read a book by him and I got really interested in how my mind works, eventually I found Actualized.org and I actively watch his videos on a common basis.

 

Let's step back a little. I really learned about Sigmund when I was 15-16 but since I was 8-9 I've always done this thing where I would sit in my bed and rock with music in the back (Radio at the time haha, big ass radio in my bed now I have an iPod the size of my palm... the times). I would rock back and forth and just think, collect my thoughts, planned my work and I would think about what I would ask myself questions to find the root of my problem (I learned this from the parallel between debugging (programming) and using logic to find my answer) at the time I couldn't put to words what was happening in my head, as I listened to a lot of Leo's videos I already understand what he meant with a lot of his videos. He simply gave me vocabulary and more incite in what I kind of already had my teeth around. (So to speak..) 

 

This morning I decided to watch Meditation for beginners and he described it "sitting still" which is technically what I did, I just rocked back and forth with my upper core because I found it relaxing (assuming from anxiety) and I would close my eyes wrap a blanket around me sometimes and just explore my mind. I believe this has helped me over my high school years and I have had moments where I am in tears, or had demons in my head. But the tears came from the thought of tragedy and the demons came from me not being able to let go of a thought (I made myself forget). 

 

So after I watched that video I decided to try what I was doing again with the idea of meditation. Nothing felt different, perhaps I am not even meditating... Or perhaps I have been all of this time. I feel the years I spent rocking back and forth listening to random music (not really keeping mind of it, just noise) I feel it's made me a very objective thinker, not quick to speak unless I feel what I have to say has purpose and made me critical of what I do. (I can never get myself into an aggressive mindset because I put too many factors into the situation to feel the need (w/ minor exceptions) which contradicts my whole family. (Bi-Polar, aggressive) My brother was kicked out of school for so many fights and my father has an aggressive history. 

 

This rocking back and forth method I have done it for 6-7 hours a day at times. and I do it for at least a hour every night before I go to bed. I feel my mind wasn't directing towards goals but rather, surviving lately. Due to my situations. I'm just afraid I am just trying to convince myself that I have been meditating just to 'stroke' my ego. Which is obviously not my intention. 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read what I have to say. I feel when I was growing up I ultimately wanted to live this type of life style, I simply didn't know how to do it. 

tl;dr been rocking in my bed for the past 15 years is this considered meditating? 

- Thank you Leo! Thank you forum! 

Edited October 11, 2016 by Zach

[Prabhaker]

If you begin with sitting, you will feel disturbed inside. The more you try to just sit, the more disturbance will be felt. You will become aware of only your insane mind and nothing else, it will create depression. You will feel frustrated, not blissful, you will begin to feel that you are insane. Sometimes you may really go insane. 

If you make a sincere effort to ‘just sit’ you may go insane. You may not be ready to be aware of all the insanity inside you. You must be allowed to get to know certain things gradually. Knowledge is not always good. It must unfold itself slowly as your capacity to absorb it grows. 

Begin with your insanity, not with a sitting posture. Allow your insanity. If you dance madly, the opposite happens within you. With a mad dance, you begin to be aware of a silent point within you; with sitting silently you begin to be aware of your madness. The opposite is always the point of awareness. 

If you begin with something active, positive, alive, moving, you will begin to feel an inner stillness growing. The more it grows the more it will be possible for you to use a sitting or lying posture.

[Zach]

8 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

If you begin with sitting, you will feel disturbed inside. The more you try to just sit, the more disturbance will be felt. You will become aware of only your insane mind and nothing else, it will create depression. You will feel frustrated, not blissful, you will begin to feel that you are insane. Sometimes you may really go insane. 

If you make a sincere effort to ‘just sit’ you may go insane. You may not be ready to be aware of all the insanity inside you. You must be allowed to get to know certain things gradually. Knowledge is not always good. It must unfold itself slowly as your capacity to absorb it grows. 

Begin with your insanity, not with a sitting posture. Allow your insanity. If you dance madly, the opposite happens within you. With a mad dance, you begin to be aware of a silent point within you; with sitting silently you begin to be aware of your madness. The opposite is always the point of awareness. 

If you begin with something active, positive, alive, moving, you will begin to feel an inner stillness growing. The more it grows the more it will be possible for you to use a sitting or lying posture.

Active? What do you mean? 

[Prabhaker]

22 minutes ago, Zach said:

Active? What do you mean? 

Read my posts in following threads

Walking meditation

Running, Jogging and Swimming meditation

Osho dynamic meditation

 

 

[Zach]

5 hours ago, Prabhaker said:

Read my posts in following threads

Walking meditation

Running, Jogging and Swimming meditation

Osho dynamic meditation

 

 

 

Not sure if that actually answers my question though. So are you saying I haven't been meditating? IF not, I must have been doing some sort of personal development

[cetus]

@Zach Check out the meditation practice near the end for cleansing the mind.

 

[Dodo]

2 hours ago, cetus56 said:

@Zach Check out the meditation practice near the end for cleansing the mind.

I like this, gonna use this technique to keep it more fun. Been whoamiing for days

[Prabhaker]

22 hours ago, Zach said:

rocking in my bed for the past 15 years is this considered meditating? 

Repetitive behaviors are soothing or pacifying and help us deal with stress, it more like a tranquilizer rather than a meditation technique. Unless you are aware of rocking action, your thoughts, your emotions, it can't become a meditation technique. You don't love "sitting still" silently with awareness.  It will be better if you begin with something active in the beginning, as I mentioned in my earlier post.