I'm a seething, bitter, misanthropic man

[lmfao]

Venting out my feelings that I keep unconscious, but now it's possessing me after reaching a boiling point I can't ignore 
--
I hate everyone but I hate myself more. By the mercy of a few threads of human connection I haven't gone full blown psycho or dysfunctional. I hate yet also envy everyone.

Should the dominos arranged slightly differently when I was younger, I hate to imagine what I would have become . A lost case psychologically with the mindset of a school shooter or whatever else. Who am I kidding, I probably already have that mindset. 
I've never actually gotten close to being that or acting that out, but I'm illustrating the depth of my anger and bitterness by saying it. That my mind has gone to those places before. 

--
I don't know if it will ever possible for me to make friends or feel deep connection. Nothing will make you lose your trust quicker than fake friends, or trying to force together jigsaw pieces that will never fit.

I've lost my trust in my family, lost my trust in just about every friend I've ever had.  A complete and utter disappointment in everything and everyone I see.  A pain it is to watch your trust be slowly nibbled away at by rats, to have the spirit starved and trampled on. 

I have lost almost all hope in the prospect of friendship or sexual relationship otherwise. My natural personality and temperament was destined to to clash with the norm and my upbringing, and compound that with a whole host of neurosis and complexes. I have been an outcast among my peers as far as being 4. What hope is there? 

Deep sadness. Waves of grief and anger, as one morphs into the other.  

I've often felt the only thing I've gotten from my trauma is selfishness and aggression. But I can see it's a lie, a sham, a fabrication, and it's more fragile than anything else.  But it doesn't matter, that's what I currently feel and so that's what I'll be. 

"The only thing I know right now is pure rage. I can only have faith in myself. Myself, myself, myself and myself alone.  I have no other option, I cannot afford any other option. Or am I too cowardly to admit there's another option?" - I typed this, but the rage dissolved into sadness and then something else I don't know. 

Jesus Christ I fucking hate everything, maybe I need to go running or weightlifting to clear my mind 
--

This is my story. I'll finish it, no matter the result 

[Keyhole]

I relate 100 percent.  I wish I had a solution for you, other than to do what you can to savour the present moment as best you can when you remember to and keep doing that and be as open as you can with yourself.  I know all too well how this feels and I am really really sorry you are going through it, I don't wish it on my worst enemy and I hope you can heal.

Don't let it stay in your soul it will eat away at you.  It's not a joke, but a serious sickness at teh very fabric of who a person is - and it likes to hide and make itself to be less than it is, but hatred is a genuine rot, a mold in the psyche.  Please treat yourself as you would a cancer patient or someone with a chronic disease as that is what it is and needs to be looked after in such a way.  gl <3 

Edited February 21, 2021 by Keyhole

[Preety_India]

Please get rid of this hate. Cultivate love. 

 

[Nahm]

It is a most grave error to use trust as a tool of relationship manipulation. This is conditioning, as in, this feels highly discordant and is not of your true nature, it is a learned perspective & behavior. The liberation from it is the inspecting it and realizing it’s falsity. 

Don’t continue avoiding inspection, expression, and understanding the emotions you’re experiencing. You’re experiencing reality through your own lens of beliefs and attitudes, yet believing this is not the case. Listen to the suffering, and allow it to reveal your into purpose & beauty. 

Exercise is ideal, and so is a clean diet, especially in regard to sugar and caffeine. These tend to feed rumination, which is really what perpetuates the suffering. Listen to feeling, don’t settle for suffering, let go. 

Learn, practice, use, and understand the emotional scale.

Talk with someone who understands. Don’t apply the lens of trusting them or not, listen to them, and keep only what resonates with you in feeling.  

If you’d like to chat sometime, let me know.  If you currently can’t afford it, that’s no problem. Remind me who you are and that I offered this, in your email. You’ve been carrying this weight for far to long and I’d like to help. I’ve been there as well, and learned a lot about it. One conversation will change your entire outlook and life, more than you can currently imagine. It might be an act of faith, or simply just trying something new, on your part. I hope you do. ?? 

 

[Gesundheit]

Emotions are quite literally amongst the most counter-intuitive things in life. I've recently had a major increase in compassion levels after embracing and owning my hateful side. It's just crazy how the shadow works. But it's one thing to express emotions, and it's another thing entirely to own them. Expressing for the purpose of venting out turns out to keep the shadow intact, it just gives you a sedative effect. The actual healing occurs when you allow yourself to fully embody your emotions without fears or resistance, and without concerns about the consequences.

[bejapuskas]

Have you considered that hatred and admiration might be the same thing?

[Joel3102]

. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Joel3102

[intotheblack]

 

On 21/02/2021 at 9:09 AM, lmfao said:

I've often felt the only thing I've gotten from my trauma is selfishness and aggression

it's resentment.  and abandonment of the self.  you are just acting from a place of hurt. 

you are so disconnected from yourself and others, it's an ego coping mechanism that you created in childhood for your own protection.  a worldview of 'Me Vs them'   someone gave you a reason not to trust them, so that feeling has remained there in your subconcious.

you created protective bubble to fend for yourself, whilst at the same time disowning yourself.  

the important thing is that you recognise these feelings and are becoming concious! 

go wrap yourself in a blanket and give yourself a big cuddle!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by intotheblack

[Striving for more]

3 hours ago, intotheblack said:

it's resentment.  and abandonment of the self.  you are just acting from a place of hurt. 

you are so disconnected from yourself and others, it's an ego coping mechanism that you created in childhood for your own protection.  a worldview of 'Me Vs them'   someone gave you a reason not to trust them, so that feeling has remained there in your subconcious.

you created protective bubble to fend for yourself, whilst at the same time disowning yourself.  

the important thing is that you recognise these feelings and are becoming concious! 

go wrap yourself in a blanket and give yourself a big cuddle!

Ohh shit I lost years off my life for this ^ If only I had this forum back then. I used to frown back at a girl if she smiled, used to assume everyone was dangerous. Used to be so defensive. Locked myself in my bedroom for 8 months at a time, drinking & getting high on my own. 

Used to be soo bitter I would send people hateful messages on Christmas, angry on Christmas, drinking myself to sleep because I felt so alone

Have notice a backlash of this recently too. It's like a that wasp on a summers day that keeps coming back to sting you. You can't fight the wasp, love the wasp & let go. 

Don't fight the bees, make some honey.

This lingering emotion of self hatred / bitterness & I can sort of feel it in my chest even after the negative thoughts have gone. 

When you feel self hate it genuinely hurts, It's like your chest is contracted & you feel all tight. Add OCD to that & then the thought loops don't stop either. 

Self love is the highest teaching.

Edited February 25, 2021 by Striving for more

[Michael569]

Seems like you need to carve out your own journey, a one that will exclude all toxic people around you. You don't need any of them. Move out from your family if you can, even if it meant renting a condo for a year. This will help you to start focusing on your journey. Become a hermit for a year. It will be just you, your flat and your own life. Stay in touch with family via WhatsApp once a week. If they don't understand that's their problem. 

Do you have a life purpose? What are you passionate about? Find that thing and then pour all the energy in that. You cannot control anything else, only what you do with those 16-18 waking hours. If you have to waste your time fighting toxic people and defending against chronic attacks from family and stage orange buddies, life is going to be hell. 

Move out, find your purpose, crate a process that will get you closer every single day and do that, nothing else is in your control. Whatever that is for you. Otherwise, what's the point of all the struggle. 

Dedicate yourself to yourself and screw what everybody else things. Their opinions are not important. They are ona  different path. Forgive their mystery, they are suffering in their own way, you can't help them. 

It's just you alone and nobody can fix your life for you. You will find help along the way but in the end all the responsibility is in your own hands. 

[AtheisticNonduality]

Get a girlfriend.

[lmfao]

Thank you for the responses all, it means a lot

On 21/02/2021 at 10:40 AM, Peter Miklis said:

You talk about your anger and bitterness as if it's given, without specifying the issue. Who are you angry at? Who did your wrong? Please specify. These feeling don't come randomly out of nowhere, they always have their source, be it trauma or some sort of negative experiences.

Trust me, I know the feeling. I probably haven't had it as bad as you, but due to me being born in another region of my country and being moved to region I'm currently living in at very young age, and due to me having Aspherghers (was pretty bad at the time), I was never able to fully integrate into any social group.

The important thing here is you have to forgive whoever hurt you in the past, and move on. And also try to be social if it's possible for you.

Also, cultivate love in general, as it was said in the upper post.

@Peter Miklis You're right, lack of specificity in my post. In doing the shadow work I will/do look at those things. Generalisations are a very common tactic to avoid acknowledging the truth
 

On 21/02/2021 at 2:05 PM, Nahm said:

Don’t continue avoiding inspection, expression, and understanding the emotions you’re experiencing. You’re experiencing reality through your own lens of beliefs and attitudes, yet believing this is not the case. Listen to the suffering, and allow it to reveal your into purpose & beauty. 

@Nahm This is a most wise advice.

“That which we need the most will be found where we least want to look.”, I've noticed a strategy of mine is to avoid certain topics whilst deceiving myself its no big deal. I may notice the strategy, but then forget that awareness or insight. 

On 21/02/2021 at 5:11 PM, Gesundheit said:

it's one thing to express emotions, and it's another thing entirely to own them

Indeed ?

[lmfao]

@bejapuskas I'll take that in 

12 hours ago, intotheblack said:

it's resentment.  and abandonment of the self.  you are just acting from a place of hurt. 

you are so disconnected from yourself and others, it's an ego coping mechanism that you created in childhood for your own protection.  a worldview of 'Me Vs them'   someone gave you a reason not to trust them, so that feeling has remained there in your subconcious.

you created protective bubble to fend for yourself, whilst at the same time disowning yourself.  

the important thing is that you recognise these feelings and are becoming concious! 

go wrap yourself in a blanket and give yourself a big cuddle!

@intotheblack Thank you. What you said is definitely largely true....
To go on a tangent here. I think it's a strange one because part of my natural (whether I'm healthy or unhealthy) personality is to want some solitude, but then obviously feelings of loneliness can arise from that, obviously more dysfunctional feelings when in an unhealthy state 
--

8 hours ago, Michael569 said:

Seems like you need to carve out your own journey, a one that will exclude all toxic people around you. You don't need any of them. Move out from your family if you can, even if it meant renting a condo for a year. This will help you to start focusing on your journey. Become a hermit for a year. It will be just you, your flat and your own life. Stay in touch with family via WhatsApp once a week. If they don't understand that's their problem. 

Do you have a life purpose? What are you passionate about? Find that thing and then pour all the energy in that. You cannot control anything else, only what you do with those 16-18 waking hours. If you have to waste your time fighting toxic people and defending against chronic attacks from family and stage orange buddies, life is going to be hell. 

Move out, find your purpose, crate a process that will get you closer every single day and do that, nothing else is in your control. Whatever that is for you. Otherwise, what's the point of all the struggle. 

Dedicate yourself to yourself and screw what everybody else things. Their opinions are not important. They are ona  different path. Forgive their mystery, they are suffering in their own way, you can't help them. 

It's just you alone and nobody can fix your life for you. You will find help along the way but in the end all the responsibility is in your own hands. 

I'm definitely taking this seriously, about moving out and getting independence.

My current main struggle has been finding a life purpose. When I was younger, I was dead set that my life purpose was to go into academia as a mathematician or theoretical physicist. But eventually I grew to despise that.
Now I'm in my 3rd year of university and im forcing myself to finish my degree, and doing that work takes up my time or concern. I'm currently apathetically enrolled onto an extra 4th year masters. And I've been tempted to go along with it because it delays me having to enter the real world, and I get student uni life, although this is all probably shit reasons. 

So all I'm focused on rn is things like improving my health and lifestyle, although dealing with the uncertainty and anxiety of having no goal or strong passion is the struggle. Whilst juggling the university work I dislike. 

Quote

If you have to waste your time fighting toxic people and defending against chronic attacks from family and stage orange buddies, life is going to be hell. 

Right, for sure. 
 

Edited February 25, 2021 by lmfao

[lmfao]

4 hours ago, AtheisticNonduality said:

Get a girlfriend.

I'm so autistic/strange that I don't even know if I'd want a girlfriend, all I care about is sexual urges in that regard. But then again who doesn't want intimacy and etc, although relationships come with commitment. Will have to play it by ear once I semi-force myself to get into pickup and socialising lol. I'm not completely terrible at socialising tbf, its just so exhausting sometimes, although I am unexpectedly extraverted at times. But that's an unnatural/draining state. Idk. Anyway, that's enough rambling. 

Edited February 25, 2021 by lmfao

[Nahm]

@lmfao

?? 

The willingness to look, and abide in feeling,  is 99% of the path. 

[Michael569]

12 hours ago, lmfao said:

Now I'm in my 3rd year of university and im forcing myself to finish my degree, and doing that work takes up my time or concern. I'm currently apathetically enrolled onto an extra 4th year masters. And I've been tempted to go along with it because it delays me having to enter the real world, and I get student uni life, although this is all probably shit reasons. 

Maybe you haven't explored this deep enough. Have you bought the LP course? That can really help. Sometimes you may need to dubble down on it becoming more specific or explore your subconscious mind a bit deeper. For me it was also a bit vague in the beginning but then with some and some further coaching it got clarified. Definitely don't let that go, finding your calling is the most important thing to do in life

12 hours ago, lmfao said:

So all I'm focused on rn is things like improving my health and lifestyle,

Let me know if I can help you answer any questions in this area

12 hours ago, lmfao said:

Whilst juggling the university work I dislike. 

Perhaps it is part of the process. I graduated in business uni and while I deem it mostly as useless it has opened new opportunities to me that slowly lead me to discovering my purpose so could be that through this uni other door will be open to you. 

[ilja]

i am shocked, all these years were pure lies!