The Bipolar Badass - When Severe Mental Illness Becomes a Genetic Advantage

[BipolarGrowth]

One important function I hope this thread can serve is to show the reality of how more or less serious spiritual practice and psychedelic use affects bipolar disorder. I almost made a post to the Meditation/Spirituality sub-forum warning of the dangers and also describing the advantages and benefits of this specific path, but I ultimately thought it wouldn’t receive the right reception there. It is incredibly important that anyone with a serious case of bipolar disorder (typically this means type 1) knows the risks of not just psychedelics but even simply meditation. Meditation can cause the same types of psychotic breaks as psychedelics can. It’s happened to me and many others. A lot of people here, and in the world as a whole, have a piss-poor understanding of what bipolar disorder is. This even applies to most people who have it and many family members or close friends of people with it. No one generally thinks about the epistemic aspects/implications of “psychosis.”
 

Psychosis is a somewhat flawed concept as you’re basically being judged by how well your current state of consciousness as well as delusions or even legit insights fit within the norms of your culture. In ancient and some more modern indigenous cultures, what Western medicine calls psychosis was treated as a spiritual gift. In many of these cultures it’s highly likely, if not just downright true, that people with “psychotic mental health disorders” were the leading candidates for shamanism. In some of these cases, the “psychotic” shaman was the ONLY person permitted to use psychedelics in the society. This is the absolute opposite of how Western medicine views psychotic mental health disorders and psychedelics. We are ALWAYS seen as the absolute last people on the planet who should ever consume such a substance. Why is that? It fucks our survival up heavily as current modern cultures have no role for the “mentally ill” person who trips themselves into oblivion to bring back insights and even serious psychic or healing powers back to the society of neurotypicals. Watch this video to hear more about this. You're a Shaman  - Your Culture Just Sucks

 

One key thing to note is that these shamans were almost always mentored by an older shaman who potentially also had what we today would call severe mental health problems (at least before he served his life purpose and bathed himself in Truth, Love, and psychological growth for years with psychedelics and other practices). What I’m doing is basically walking that path with no guidance from someone with the same set of challenges. This is partially why I’m making this and videos about bipolar disorder and psychedelics. People need to know the path from someone who has done it before they get themselves or others killed. There’s a real risk that psychedelics will kill me. Not in some physical overdose but in me becoming so fucking conscious that I lose ALL care for survival. The other potential for death comes if I experience a crippling depression after a string of manic episodes and kill myself. I am ultimately not afraid of death. I welcome it, but of course almost everyone in the last moment struggles. As you’ll learn through reading and watching the content in this journal, this is a hardcore ass spiritual path. It is not for the ego lovers. It’s for people who want their ego to die more than they want it to live. We want Truth, Love, and the Absolute Pinnacle of Consciousness and nothing else at the end of the day. This is worth death and many other things I won’t even mention as I don’t think people can handle that. I also don’t want to be portrayed as some villain in the making. This is the opposite of my intention, but it must be understood that madness is at times a nearly unstoppable force. Playing with this for spiritual development is not fun and games. This is absolutely life and death. Many people think they want seriously powerful spiritual experiences and results, but they never suffer the types of serious dangers and challenges I’ll describe because of pursuing awakening. Ultimately, I see the good nature of most spiritual masters as a complete ego construction. Leo talks about everything being Goodness but as if that means you’ll align with the good when you are Good. This is kind of dumb, but I think it’s ultimately his good heart which is deceiving him which is totally understandable. I’ve thought the same way many times before. If everything is Absolute Good, which I certainly believe it is and have had a version of this insight, this means that God loves to kill. To rape. To destroy. To defile. Etc. etc. If you think there’s one side to spiritual awakening to yourself as 100% God and that’s always going to align with your human ego’s good, you’re deluded as fuck my friend. There are evil spiritual forces in so many religions and spiritual traditions. Is this just because someone happened to get creative on a Tuesday night and dream all this up across all these different cultures and times? Lol. Come on. Of course now, we must understand that the most evil person, defiler of Existence itself or anything else is at the end of the day Love, but it’s the kind of Love you experience when your character gets absolutely wrecked by the bad guys in a video game. It’s not what your ego wants. It happens. You hate it. Then, with enough perspective, you realize it made the game as Good as it was. The struggle adds value. The pain adds meaning. The suffering adds spice. I’m planning to make a video on the difference between Christ Consciousness and Lucifer Consciousness. I’ve experienced both. Lucifer is ultimately not as bad as you might think, but ultimately he is selfish when it comes to his highest goals. He has no issue giving money to a homeless person so they can eat. He enjoys doing that in a similar way Christ would, but where Christ would never harm someone or do something considered truly immoral for spiritual growth or power, Lucifer would. Both of these archetypes/spirits/higher consciousness entities can essentially meld into your consciousness and pretty much possess you. As can many other things. Possession by Christ is good. Possession by Lucifer is... hopefully neutral or good, but it could lead you to purchase the skin of a deceased human child to perform a deal with Lucifer which would in theory give you your ultimate desire. I’d avoid that one. Btw, I’m merely sharing my direct experience as true as I know it to be. Could I be wrong about some of these things? Certainly, but it would be dishonest to show a false lack of confidence to appear credible to you. This is, after all, MY journal. 
 

The decision to pursue awakening and use high-dose psychedelic trips as a person with bipolar disorder type 1 has reduced my net worth by $50,000 in roughly 2-2.5 years. My income was only roughly $25k last year to give you an example of how much that could do for me. I have given away roughly $10k in cash to homeless people and friends through the selflessness and generosity that mania brings in this 2-2.5 year period. I have experienced about 8-9 hospitalizations in the past 2-2.5 years with all but one being due to manic episodes. The other was a suicide attempt that was halted by friends and family working in conjunction. When I was brought to the emergency room, I visualized murdering all of them including my mother, father, step-father, best friend, girlfriend, and then using my Chinese Visa to escape detection before anything could be done to apprehend me. I had a plan that likely would have worked. I rediscovered something in this experience. I can only visualize things well in my mind’s eye when they are fueled with pure hatred. If I try to visualize a simple object in my mind’s eye now, I get practically nothing. With intense hatred, it’s like I’m standing in the physical location watching things happen almost. Keep in mind this is the first time I do much as had a feeling of hate or anger in probably 5-10 years. I’m usually quite immune to these emotions now. If there is such a thing as past lives, mine must be quite complex. On many levels I align myself with Christ as a shining example or what I aspire to become, but on another level I seem to have a real passion for things people consider pure evil. The evil has mostly been heavily repressed. It just came out for a bit when I found myself unable to end my own life due to others. I was being forced to suffer some extreme existential pain due to their selfish love for me. Of course I love their selfish love all the other times. That was just my darkest day/week in over a decade. I was able to stop myself from harming anyone, and I returned back to my positive relatively loving self within a few weeks. I found the first prescription antidepressant that has ever worked for me in over 7 years of experimenting with my psychiatrist due to this. I guess things work out. 
 

Psychotic mental health disorders can produce some of the most, if not the most, spiritually obsessed people the world has ever seen. One test you can do is to look at the lists of symptoms for a bipolar type 1 person or schizophrenic to see how much these align with what advanced mystics or psychics are like. Case in point — Jesus, grandiose? Check. High energy? Most likely a check. Incredibly passionate? Check. Insights and sayings pouring out of him that completely reject traditional spiritual and societal norms? Check. Unmatched spiritual obsession? Check. The ability to alter physical phenomena against the currently understood laws of science? Check. (Yes, psychotic people have an immense proclivity for this stuff, even sometimes needing no spiritual foundation or practices to be able to alter reality — not just some hallucination). Of course many times these events are just delusions and hallucinations, but there are many cases where they are not. These few videos explain some of my experiences which do not have good scientific explanations in the currently popular paradigm for what happened to me. Keep in mind I have no idea how I do any of this shit and have absolutely no control over it. There are other examples I will speak about in future posts on this thread. 
Supernatural Events & Bipolar Mania

Are You A Bipolar Empath? ??

The Grays - My Story of ET Contact

This one will sound most unbelievable and nebulous to you I imagine. I’d like to mention that maybe a month after this I was sleeping in my girlfriend’s bed while she was awake. I sat up (I have no memory of this whatsoever and ultimate believe I was not in control of my body), and I looked at her and said something like “4324 we are here for you as well.” My girlfriend adamantly claims that she was sent into a psychedelic trip without consuming anything in exactly the same type of way I describe my strongest telepathic connection with the grays. I now permanently have this sensation come and go at various times throughout the day, usually when I’m in a spiritual context or have an insight come. It is not as strong as when I was manic though. 

If you think these things sound fishy or not concrete (of course anecdotal) evidence of something supernatural happening, please consider I have picked these out of many ridiculous things that have happened to me. There are so many more examples. One thing was my phone being at 5% or less before a meditation session. I needed to use it for GPS right after the session, so I turned it off to conserve battery knowing realistically there’s no way I’d have enough to get where I needed to go. After about 30-40 minutes of meditation, I turned my phone back on, and it was at 100%. Did I do this somehow? Was it God? Idk. I’m simply saying you don’t see that legitimately happening to many people. 

To get a taste of where I started 7 years ago, watch this video. It’s actually hilarious to me that I made a video titled “I am God” based solely on information from others who didn’t even understand that concept to any real depth themselves. I even said something like “All religion is bullshit. There’s no hard evidence.” Stage orange dumb ass. I was a stage orange dumb ass co-opting essentially the most Divine Truth there is for my own selfish little thought game to partially build a YouTube channel. I enjoyed the thought experiment. It wasn’t just done for views, but much of it was. 
I Am God

 

Here are two of my main three God Realization/God Consciousness awakenings described years later after discovering the truth of spirituality. The first has not been described in video by me yet. Note that, in the one based on mania, I basically discredited my own insight to not sound crazy to my viewers. This is pure ego and self-deception as well as deception of others disguised as a reasonable a rational approach. I knew damn well that that was a legitimate experience. Ultimately I think it’s time to shoot another video about God Realization now that I’ve ironed out a lot more details. 
-2nd God Realization/God Consciousness awakening. Manic Stories Ep.  #1 - Becoming God (Awakening to God Consciousness)

-3rd God Realization/Consciousness awakening. This was ultimately the deepest one, but it lacked facets such as effortless no-mind to begin the process which occurred in the 2nd. 13 Tabs of LSD - Mapping Consciousness #2

 

 

I’m going to post some key videos from my YouTube channel that I’ve been posting on for over 7 years now throughout this thread with explanations of where I was at that time in my life and how I’ve since developed further (or potentially back tracked in some areas). My channel and major life interests consist of topics like bipolar disorder, depression, personal development, positive psychology, practical life advice, entrepreneurship, business advice, credit building tips, personal finance videos, unique thoughts that I’ve had over the years from what may seem profound to some and mundane to others, spirituality/enlightenment/awakening, psychedelics and awakening, awakening and bipolar disorder, bipolar disorder and psychedelics, and some other topics or combinations of topics that are less frequent. I’ve taken on a more spiritual focus as time has progressed. 
 

I’d like to create this as a sort of open journal in which I will be keen to interact with all of you. Keep in mind, I’m eventually going to be posting extremely sensitive content related to my illness and weaknesses. I’ll eventually get into my extremely racist adolescent years and how this still affects me now. Even having what to most humans would be unfathomable love for all of reality and all beings many times, I still have racial slurs and jokes come into my mind when I’m back at my baseline level of consciousness. I ultimately know that racism is absolute trash, but this doesn’t stop deeply ingrained thought patterns. Actualized.org has helped me to understand why I became racist on a much deeper level to where I now have absolutely no judgment for that path that I started walking on around age 12. This doesn’t mean I think it was the best thing to do. This means I understand the survival-based drives to defend an already fragile ego that was constantly attacked by my extreme shyness, social anxiety, and natural emotional sensitivity as well as being bullied and somewhat unpopular. You’d think the average racist is some hard-nosed ass hole who has no sensitivity or love for the world or people. This was absolutely the opposite of the case for me, and I imagine many others possibly. I craved connection with other kids. 
 

On one hand, bipolar disorder can lend itself to outright delusional thinking. On another hand, it can produce premature insight that your mind does not fully understand. On another hand, it can produce legitimate, high-level nondual insights when paired with a solid foundation of spirituality. On another hand, it’s a free psychedelic as powerful as 5.87 grams of psilocybin mushrooms, 10 tabs of LSD, ayahuasca, or ridiculous doses of concentrated THC taken on little to no tolerance to create maximum potential for full psychedelic effect and insight potential. I’m talking about consuming enough THC that I’ve literally “blacked out” in a very similar way to how alcohol black outs occur. This is the difference between aiming for a recreational THC/cannabis experience vs. an existential THC/cannabis experience. Imo, cannabis is not ideal for this work unless it is consumed in concentrated THC format or edibles. Smoked cannabis simply lacks the punch that high-dose psychedelic trips can have. Even with concentrated THC and edibles, the psychedelic experience can be quite elusive on them, especially if you still have any tolerance whatsoever. This is not something you can do daily for its full effects. Most of the time I just get kind of unintentionally hedonistically high to absurd levels. I’m skeptical that Wiz Khalifa and other popular cannabis aficionados have experienced these levels of consciousness on THC/cannabis. It essentially requires the dovetailing of a psychotic mental health disorder and prior psychedelic use to unlock this potential. Keep in mind that when I mention these doses, I am quite sensitive to psychedelics and THC.