I am God...

[Chance Cunningham]

I started this to post in another area on the forum, but lost track of where. I will post here.

Name: Chance Cunningham
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Location: God's Little Acre 
Occupation: Retired Electrical Engineer/Mfg. Mgr. - current organic farmer/lover of life
Marital Status: Married
Kids: one human, one dog, one cat
Hobbies: living, learning, gardening, carpentry, guitar, hiking, meditation, writing

2021 has been a year of purging for me. Like peeling back the layers of an onion.

I found Leo on youtube a few weeks ago. I've been binge watching his videos.

His words resonated with me instantly. He has a brilliant mind and is a gifted speaker... you all know that. I found a wealth of wisdom and knowledge here. I wish I would be here to see how far people like him can take conscious evolution, but the end of my road draws near and I won't be here to see how far a mind can take itself.

My path has been similar to Leo's in many ways, and as is natural, parts of mine differ greatly. I've been on my own path... learning... seeking growth following in the footsteps of those who have gone before me... but I remember a wise saying... I can't recall who said it... it has stayed with me... "Seek not to walk in the footsteps of those who have gone before you... Seek instead, what they sought."

This place Leo created has given me freedom... to voice my truth in a place where people might get what I am trying to explain. My friends and family probably think I am eccentric at best... probably think I am crazy at the worst end. Most do not understand me at all.

This place is helping me tell my story without fear. It allows me to break a few chains... to finally say it out loud and let go of the energy of repressing it... and most importantly expressing it in words will allow me to let it go and get on with life.

This is cathartis... maybe my words will help someone else.  (After this post I think... I hope... I will feel no need to share details of my journey any longer. Leo has built an amazing place. The rest of you do not need my thoughts mixing in.)

Yes...

I am God.

My path back home 

I've been labeled an INTJ and while I will struggle to climb out of any pigeon hole I am placed in, I admit MBTI was a great learning tool. I was diagnosed with that ailment 30 or so years ago while working for Yamaha. We explored it at a company team building retreat. We had a progressive American vp, the Japanese Pres. gave him a huge amount of freedom for such things. 

For my whole life, truth... or the pursuit of it has been the singular consistent driving force in my life. I did not know lies existed until I heard a classmate tell one in 2nd grade. I remember how it shocked me to see such a thing. I am still shocked by the lies I see, especially political/religious ones. I noticed early on that people told lies with the best of intentions... I didn't understand why they needed to lie about it.

The story of the bearded fat man who kept a list of the good things and bad things I did... and who would break into our house and either reward or punish me accordingly... well... I believed in that for a while... and then there's the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, (Do you ever wonder how different the world would be if everyone simply told the truth? I do.) 

I woke to the lies the political system tells us in the late 60's. The hippie movement was still alive and well. The Viet Nam War was a constant on TV. Those were interesting times. The govt. used a lottery system to determine who got to go kill folks half a world away. I thought about such things. 

I graduated high school in 1970. I couldn't afford college... I would have gone if I could have figured a way. But I had another dream that I could chase. I wanted to pursue a career making music - guitarist. I'd picked one up at 13 and spent day after day learning it as best I could. So I had a path forward.

But Uncle Sam decided he needed me. The lottery determined who got drafted for the war based on date of birth.

I won that lottery.

My prize was in the fall of 1970 I was ordered to report to the induction center in Atlanta for tests. I rode a bus with about 40 or so other guys to a huge building. Walked through a door and saw some of the saddest human faces I'd ever seen, boys sitting in neat rows waiting to board buses to be transported to military bases for training and then to be sent to fight/die.

It was a surreal experience.

They started us off with written tests. The tests didn't seem hard... didn't take long to finish. So, I sat there and looked around. And wondered where the hell I was and what torments lay ahead. 

The other guys finished and we were taken to a huge room. There were hundreds of us, stripped to our undershorts standing in neat rows... back to the wall facing inward. Well, part of the time we stood naked while they walked around poking and prodding us. After the physicals they fed us. I can't recall that part of it. 

After lunch they took us for short meetings which I assume were a sort of psychological assessment to see if we were fit to go kill people. The man in the white lab coat made notes while he talked to me. 

And like they say... during all this time... it was Army style... hurry up! and wait. There was lots of time to soak it all in...

Late in the evening, it was over and time came to board the bus back home. But they had a list.

A few of us needed to stay over night for more testing. Hmm...

They put us up in the Georgian Terrace Hotel across from the Fox Theater in ATL. Nice place, a suite shared with 7 other guys. I got to spend three nights there. Two entire days were spent doing more testing, I would guess it was to assess my level of intelligence and potential from their perspective.

They finally told me I could go back home. 

I thought about the war... a lot. I thought about life and death.

A cousin and friend had joined the local branch of the National Guard... tried to get me to join. I decided to go check it out. More tests. I got called back for a meeting. I walked in and sat down... it wasn't the recruitment sergeant who came into the meeting room. It was a Colonel. He had copies of my tests... for the Nat Guard and from US in ATL. He laid copies of the tests on the table in front of me and began to go over the answers. He came to one... very simple one... easy to understand... child's play. He put his finger on it... looked me in the eye... and told me a lie about why I got it wrong.

I sat there puzzled... I knew it was right... but I decided to stay silent. I was raised to be polite... said sir and ma'am naturally. So... I let it pass. (I only realized many years later he was simply testing to see how I'd respond to authority when they told me something I knew was a lie.)

He sat down then and began to talk. To explain the opportunities I would find doing service for my country. Opportunities to pursue things that interested me. He told me of the education they would offer me. The sky was the limit if I chose to make a career of servitude to the grand old USA.

He told me I had a unique way of looking at certain things. I processed information... quickly saw patterns and made logical leaps in understanding. Told me I was a bright young  man. Told me I was just what they were looking for... a few good men sort of sales pitch I guess.

He pulled some papers out... said... sign here... I said... May I think about it? OK... take them with you.

Got my notice in the mail a few days later. I was classified 1A meaning prime draft material, but they were taking everything/everyone then. They had the great lowering of mental standards... a wise general convinced the elected government that dumber guys would make good cannon fodder too. That is probably why they liked me.

Anyway I had the official notification in my hands. It told to come get on that same bus and go sit in that same first room I'd seen... full of all those sad faces. Two weeks to get ready, the middle of October.

I was in a rock and roll band... the best I was ever in. We had dreams.

But I was drafted.

I had thought a lot about the war, for quite a few years...and much more since I would soon be in the middle of it.  

I did not believe the lies I'd been told.

I knew I could not kill innocent men, women and children... but what could I do?

Hmm... I will spare you the details except to say that I was shot and lost part of my foot because of the war. I carry physical scars and as you will surmise, there are mental ones. As I write these word my mind/emotions are in these places... feeling the sensations again. I'd rather move past those feelings/visions if you don't mind.

War... injury... death... will shatter your illusions of the world and life in general. It brings quite a lot into immediate and permanent focus.

But I need to go further back...

To a time when my trust and faith were broken again.

My father left my two sisters, mom and me for good, when I was about 11 or so. He moved about 2 blocks away and we saw him briefly perhaps 2 or 3 times a year. Mom had only finished 8th grade, she married at 16 and had two girls and me. She went crazy for a while, then got a job in a cotton mill on 2nd shift and went to nursing school. When she graduated, she move us near where I sit typing and worked 2 shifts per day until I was in my 20's.

Effectively, my father took himself away from us and he took my mother away as well. Mom was a devoted Christian and raised us that way.

My INTJ tendencies probably have major roots in those days.

We were poor. We didn't have many toys, TV had one BW station. I had nature... where I still feel most at home... and I had books. Mom somehow was able to buy an encyclopaedia... I spent countless hours reading those books and books from the library in our town. I would become lost in them... loving them... trying to learn and understand what I read. I read the Bible too.

I was baptized at 12 in the Church of Christ tribe... and a second time around 35 because a southern Baptist preacher at a church at that time... he didn't think my first one might have worked.

My church going years were Sunday mornings, Sunday evenings, and Wednesday night... and when revivals were going on. 

I left the Church of Christ at age 13. It was a small country church, about half the members were kin to my mom or dad. The preacher was my 2nd cousin, though a good bit older. I felt I'd learned a little bit about God... I saw how important God was and wanted to feed the hunger/thirst I had for more so I decided one Sunday morning to sit in the auditorium with the adults instead of going to Sunday school with the rest of the kids to learn the shortest verse in the Bible. So I sat and my cousin walked over and told me to go join the rest of the children. I decided that the Church of Christ was too limiting so I stopped going. 

I'd also been taught the Church of Christ was the only true church... the others were not real. They were going to hell. Also... the C of C taught you had to work your way to heaven by your Christian life... but you could never be good enough to do that... so you were doomed to a life of fear and effort and in the end it would all be for nothing. They taught Jesus was crucified for our sins... but they never really believed his blood washed our sins away. They taught you could lose your salvation for the simplest of reasons. They taught fear of God... not God is Love.

I got lost in building a life... career, wife, daughter. Still seeking truth, still seeking spiritual growth... but muted and subdued by life.

When my daughter was old enough... I didn't push her, but felt she needed to see Christianity... so that she could make up her own mind about it. I wish I'd known the truth in those days.

I decided to go back to church and try that path again. Found a Baptist church... even got to play guitar during services. The Church of Christ didn't believe in using instruments in church. I had never understood that. I loved that new outlet. The church was probably one of the most full of the expression of love I've experienced in churches... but they taught things my heart and mind  told me were not true. We tried that tribe for a while.. then went back to  my old tribe to see if I would understand it differently as man.

I would study the Bible religiously... ha. Would have 6... 8...10 reference books open. Various translations of the Bible, old and new commentaries... studied ancient writings (translated by others), read every book that caught my eye. Then computer software was created and the searches you could do were amazing. 

And I took it as far as I could, used every fiber of my being. Using my heart and mind. I tried. It seemed I would claw my way up that mountain where God stood. With only the hope of reaching humble hand to touch the hem of his garment. And when I reached that mountain top, when I said, OK... I finally have an inkling of what God is. After those battles in the trenches of life... after reaching the top of that mountain... off in the distance... was another higher mountain another and so it was down into the valleys and do the dirty work of mind and spirit... and climb again.

And for years I did this, until finally, at long last, there were no more mountains to climb in my mind.

I stood there where God was supposed to be... and there was nothing there but me and emptiness.

So... I lost faith.

And I wondered if I'd become a beast... without God to guide me. What kind of life could I have without God?

But the wonder turned to understanding as time passed. I didn't need the Christian God to have a heart, to have empathy. To have the concept of a soul.

I didn't need a God in Heaven to make me be a good and honest and hard working man.

So... I survived the death of God in my mind. And I kept going to work and paying the bills... and etc... 

And then MBTI came along and I met a wonderful person who opened my eyes to the Good Red Road... the spiritual path of Native Americans. And it resonated deeply with me and I learned of that path. Met a teacher (medicine man/shaman) at a sweat lodge ceremony. I studied with him for several years. At the sweat lodge ceremony I met a group of professors and students from a psych department of GA college. They were a very enlightening and thought provoking group. I met some very thoughtful people through them. The Red Road probably resonated deeply with me because I have Creek Indian blood in my lineage.

I explored working with ally plants... ayahuasca, salvia divinorum, mushrooms, DMT... tried LSD a few times. By the way, if you experiment with such things I'd recommend you do it with a sitter/guide until you know how you will react. Your loss of sense of time and place can mean physical things like fires and mechanical devices can be very dangerous in that altered state. 

The internet blossomed and I was able to connect with like minded people from around world and took part in all sorts of learning exercises.

I traveled to Japan to study Japanese spirituality. Was actually paid to do so by the Japanese company I was with at the time. My Japanese (big) boss told me, "You think like you are Japanese".

Truly I did not. I simply tried to understand their wants and needs and to do what I could to facilitate them. Sato liked me, wanted to teach me. I remember him telling me "If you can understand Kyoto, you can understand the Japanese mind."

What I came away with was they see God in everything. 

I traveled to Mexico a couple of times to learn and work with ally plants.

I pushed my intellect as far as this feeble minded man could push it. Still looking for God... for Great Spirit... for Life Force Energy...

I traveled to 7 or 8 foreign (to me) countries and probably 40 states over the years, largely for business but for pleasure and growth as well. I've worked in a lot of different factories and met a lot of people. Learned a lot from them. About right and wrong in the here/now.

And always, I was looking for truth.

On one of the sessions I experienced stays strong in my mind, I was alone, working with ally plant, salvia divinorum (defintely not something I'd recommend for a pleasure trip).

My goal was entered with sacred state of mind, I was wanting to learn of life and truth. Seeking to understand the meaning of life.

It was night and my world was dark.

I shouldn't have, but I walked into the woods to get away from possible contact with people. I had no light and was stumbling my way deeper and deeper into the dark woods. It wasn't a smart thing to do. I could easily have injured myself or worse. And... I've always been a bit afraid of the dark... lots of work around that.

Anyway, I came to a precipice, the edge of a ditch or gully or canyo, I couldn't tell. It was just more darkness, except darker than the woods. As I stood there I came face to face with the great void.... the infinite darkness of empty space... and I was afraid of it.. afraid of the dark... afraid of the unknown. 

And I stood there... alone and afraid...and wondering too if I might lose my mind and be in this altered state forever... (no sitter to tell me it would be OK). 

I wanted to run away, but somehow I screwed up the courage and put my toes on the edge of that cliff. I peered into the vast emptiness.. and stepped forward.

My foot touched the ground... and I looked around. 

There I was in the middle of what I'd always been afraid of.

What did I see?

Nothing. There was nothing there but me and somehow, I had already been there waiting.

I woke at 2:00 this morning and decided to write this story... it is a little after 8:00 as I bring it to a close.

I wrote in a post yesterday of my near death experience. from about 10 years ago, that took place after all the above. I don't need to share that part of the story again.

So in summary, what have I come to at 68 years old and nearing the end of my road?

I AM GOD....

And what do I do with that? I take out the trash, I feed a dog and cat... I schedule a covid vaccine shot. I plant a flower or a tomatoe. And I love everyone as much as I can. I help others when/if I am able... I think and play a little and work hard sometimes and act lazy sometimes.

I am God... and as far as I can tell right now, the best part of that is I still have awareness of this one pass through as the awareness/dream of Chance Cunningham. He breathes and walks for now. 

And, God needs to focus more on the present... the here and now... this moment... no future... no past... just enjoy the beauty I can find in now.

And lest I forget to offer an unrequested word of advice. All of you Gods and Goddesses out there, all you co-creators of life, need to remember that the world is full of God.... individualized expressions of a dream that may or may not square and vibrate in harmony with your energies. Y'all... we... you,,, me,.. have to learn to work together for the sake of us all.

Thanks for letting tell my story, it helps me move forward. I hope perhaps it will help someone here.

Oh yeah, I saved the most important thing for last... lose that damn ego... it has no place in God's world. In fact it can't really exist there.

PS: 
I should proofread this but my mind is tired. Please forgive grammar/spelling/punctuation errors.

PPS: I did proofread. I cleaned up some spelling and punctuation and fleshed out my night of facing the darkness of the void.

Edited February 20, 2021 by Chance Cunningham
Punctuation, spelling and fleshing out the darkness of the void memory.

[Kuba Powiertowski]

A beautiful story as the man behind it. It's not the end. It's just the beginning:)

God bless You, lots of Love my Friend:)

[Nomad13]

Thanks for posting. The pointers you provided helped me.

[OctagonOctopus]

A wonderful read, thanks for sharing! 

[caspex]

Amazing read. Thanks.

[Heaven]

What an expression of God?❤️

[EddieEddie1995]

❤

[Armand]

@Chance Cunningham I enjoyed reading your post a lot. Sounds like you had quite the journey in this life already and I hope it continues on brother. ??