Re-wiring the autistic brain

[Persipnei]

I'm a 40 year old guy diagnosed with high functioning autism and did a lot of "the work" in the last months.

I understand that a big way of how we experience the world is how our brain is wired at birth and then influenced by experiences during our life. My brain was wired a bit different than the "neurotypicals", makes me extremely competent in some area's and a complete disaster in others.

I fixed most of the problems I had in life, once I understood what the problem was and learn more every day about my/the-self. I re- and un-wired a lot of concepts in my brain that were wired wrong during my life.

But whatever I tried, I don't seem to find a way to rewire the autistic part. I always had a lot of trouble with stimulus and go into a shutdown mode for quite a while when it gets too much. Doing "the work" I would argue that shutdowns happen faster. I was already highly sensitive before, and I'm way more sensitive now. Positive is that the time I need to recupperate after one is shorter, mostly due to meditation.

I try to evade situation with lots of stimulus, but keep looking for a way to overcome this. So... any thoughts on this? Can your spiritual journey lift you above the physical wiring of your brain? Tips, experiences, ... ?

I would like to ask to refrain with answers like: "it's all ego, it isn't real". I'm starting to understand that, yes, but it's not a very practical tip. Inshallah, we get there one day, but until then...

[Persipnei]

Maybe it's not bad if I elaborated a bit on how I experience a shutdown.

There is almost no brain activity, sometimes days in a row. It actually feels very deep and meaningful, and at the same time it's the epitome of disconnection.  Personally I have no problem with my own shutdowns, but it makes it very hard to interact with the world. That is why I want to overcome it.

[Breakingthewall]

Perhaps more than avoiding those svutdowns, which you feel deep and meaningful, you could learn to anticipate them and to pass them in the best possible way, and when they finish relating to people again. although I guess you already thought this

[OctagonOctopus]

@Persipnei

You will probably find there is an emotional charge connected with the shutdown mode, it can be hard to feel as shutdown mode is like blocking it all out. Try to question what is under the emotional charge, even if its vauge. I used to expirence this a lot when I was younger, it was a lot to do with a belief like "I can't handle this" "I am not capable" when in fact I actually can.

Edited February 19, 2021 by OctagonOctopus

[mandyjw]

There are many people who are so caught up in the world and with caught up with caring what other people think that they can't be their own authentic selves and they suffer for it all the time. In fact this is sort of an epidemic. To them, what you have is like a superpower or an immunity. I would change your view that autism is a problem or that this disconnection is a problem. 

Instead I would focus on the core desire, real connection and ease with yourself, which also means your open to including others in this connection. It helps to journal out exactly what you want and why you want it. We are "wired" to focus on what we don't want, which gets us more of it until we use that to determine what we do want. Rather than holding an idea of myself as disconnected, I would instead focus on particular ways that I could and really want to connect with people in the moment. You could start with the intention to just being aware around people, getting curious about them, seeing something you appreciate about them. Rather than thinking about a problem you have that you must overcome, just observe everything as a whole and you'll see opportunities and inspiration rather than triggers. 

[Persipnei]

56 minutes ago, OctagonOctopus said:

@Persipnei

You will probably find there is an emotional charge connected with the shutdown mode, it can be hard to feel as shutdown mode is like blocking it all out. Try to question what is under the emotional charge, even if its vauge. I used to expirence this a lot when I was younger, it was a lot to do with a belief like "I can't handle this" "I am not capable" when in fact I actually can.

It's emotional and reaction to stimulus. I give you an example:

Communication by language is processed very slowly in my brain and any input that comes in before the previous is not processed feels like an attack.

This is a while ago, but so typical for how it works.  An ex-boss asked me a question a long time ago, just moments after somebody had made a remark that I hadn't yet fully processed. Since I was still processing the remark, every word he said felt like a needle, more input to be solved, to be put in the queue. When he was finished, he waited for an answer. I was still processing the remark from before. Because I didn't react, he put his hand on my shoulder, probably because he was worried. I jumped on him, hit him twice and ran away, only realizing what happend about 15 minutes later.

It's not that I think I can't handle it, but the inability to interact in that state. Like there is some kind of barrier between me and the world and the instrument I need to cross the barrier is offline. I wish I could explain it better.

49 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

There are many people who are so caught up in the world and with caught up with caring what other people think that they can't be their own authentic selves and they suffer for it all the time. In fact this is sort of an epidemic. To them, what you have is like a superpower or an immunity. I would change your view that autism is a problem or that this disconnection is a problem. 

Instead I would focus on the core desire, real connection and ease with yourself, which also means your open to including others in this connection. It helps to journal out exactly what you want and why you want it. We are "wired" to focus on what we don't want, which gets us more of it until we use that to determine what we do want. Rather than holding an idea of myself as disconnected, I would instead focus on particular ways that I could and really want to connect with people in the moment. You could start with the intention to just being aware around people, getting curious about them, seeing something you appreciate about them. Rather than thinking about a problem you have that you must overcome, just observe everything as a whole and you'll see opportunities and inspiration rather than triggers. 

I don't see my "condition" as something bad. I had hard times because I tried to be like everyone else, but since I understand why I'm like this, and am more truthful to myself, it's not bad at all. I know I have some area's in life where I will never excel in, but yeah, I have some superpowers too 

Thing is, I never really had desires. I indulged myself in a lot of ego behavior, but I always did it because I copied from others, and have quit most of them. I am the most happy when nothing happens at all, hah.

Being around people will never be easy. Even with my son and now ex-wife (but still my best friend) non functional communication is a lot of work. It's a bit tragic to not be able to communicate your own kid, maybe the only thing that is really sad about the whole situation, but I do what I can.

Edit: I worked 45 mins on this post. This shows the speed of my communicative abilities!

Edited February 19, 2021 by Persipnei

[OctagonOctopus]

1 hour ago, Persipnei said:

Communication by language is processed very slowly in my brain and any input that comes in before the previous is not processed feels like an attack.

This is a while ago, but so typical for how it works.  An ex-boss asked me a question a long time ago, just moments after somebody had made a remark that I hadn't yet fully processed. Since I was still processing the remark, every word he said felt like a needle, more input to be solved, to be put in the queue. When he was finished, he waited for an answer. I was still processing the remark from before. Because I didn't react, he put his hand on my shoulder, probably because he was worried. I jumped on him, hit him twice and ran away, only realizing what happend about 15 minutes later.

It's not that I think I can't handle it, but the inability to interact in that state. Like there is some kind of barrier between me and the world and the instrument I need to cross the barrier is offline. I wish I could explain it better.

I understand, this is why I perfer having concerstation one on one with people and don't really perfer to be in large groups. It takes me a bit longer to process what others say as well, I would expirence the needle like feeling when things were not processed, then shutdown mode. It is useful to learn to put a current thought on hold if it is important to what is going on & say to the other something that communicates that you need space for a sec. 

Mindfulness is very useful in this case, especially if you are attached to processing something that isn't even useful to what is going on. You don't need to process everything, some things you can just let go by. 

I would look into this fear of unprocessed inputs, give it some love. 

Edited February 19, 2021 by OctagonOctopus

[Nahm]

Judging & evading are the endless paths of those who find fault in their creation.  You create your reality without exception. It is as you say, middlemen or otherwise. 

[Persipnei]

 

21 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Judging & evading are the endless paths of those who find fault in their creation.  You create your reality without exception. It is as you say, middlemen or otherwise. 

Do you mean I shouldn't judge and accept that it just is how it is? Or do you mean this happens because I judge/evade? I wonder why I created this in the first place . Sometimes I feel like I'm still in shock from getting born.

[LastThursday]

@Persipnei what would happen if you just gave up trying to fix your autism? 

[Persipnei]

10 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

@Persipnei what would happen if you just gave up trying to fix your autism? 

Probably exactly the same as what happens now.

[Surfingthewave]

@Persipnei Autism is a superpower. 

You have incredible talents at perceiving sensations: light, sounds, taste etc and also amazing skills such as remembering things and having insights. 

Why should you feel different? The world should adapt and adjust to these superpowers but unfortunately it's a battle. 

Your descriptions of how you process information and feelings is really helpful (I work with people with autism) as communicating this to neurotypicals can be really tricky. 

Maybe it's not about re-wiring those parts  in your brain but thinking about how you can communicate these difficulties to others? So helping  neurotypicals re-wire their own brain to understand the autistic brain? Flip it. 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Persipnei]

11 hours ago, Surfingthewave said:

@Persipnei Autism is a superpower. 

You have incredible talents at perceiving sensations: light, sounds, taste etc and also amazing skills such as remembering things and having insights. 

Why should you feel different? The world should adapt and adjust to these superpowers but unfortunately it's a battle. 

Your descriptions of how you process information and feelings is really helpful (I work with people with autism) as communicating this to neurotypicals can be really tricky. 

Maybe it's not about re-wiring those parts  in your brain but thinking about how you can communicate these difficulties to others? So helping  neurotypicals re-wire their own brain to understand the autistic brain? Flip it. 

It really feels good that you find my post helpful. Aspies like to be helpful, even if it looks like we are not interested 

I'm not counting in neurotypicals understanding the autistic brain. It must be weird expecting all those social things like eyecontact, body language, sentences longer than a few words... And I completely understand that people think I'm retarded because of that (I have an IQ of 130, by the way), but what they don't realize is that in my eyes, they seem so foolish to do all those things. What a waste of energy!

The only thing I found very annoying until the last months, is if somebody forgot what he said or promised 7 years ago. I can tell you what you were wearing that day, but you don't even remember the big lines of our conversation that I put all my energy in to get somewhere? Most friends I ever had dropped me without ever telling me why. Are we really that annoying to be with? 

[Grateful Dead]

They are doing a study right now where they give people with autism micro doses of magic mushrooms and it seems to be pretty promising.

[Surfingthewave]

@Persipnei I like what you said about the social things like eye contact and body language etc. I guess for neurotypicals it's how communication is expressed a lot of the time but yes it does get exhausting. 

Remembering specifics is an interesting one, I remember a pal not being happy at all about a certain way I was cooking from a recipe as I hadn't remembered the method and was making it up.

I'd like to remember what people say however and like to think if it's valuable information the person will too. 

No I don't think people with autism are annoying to be with at all. Do you think it was more to do with misunderstandings? 

 

Edited February 22, 2021 by Surfingthewave