PTSD and being Suicidal

[Preety_India]

One day I said 

What is the worst thing that can happen to a person? 

And the answer is Death 

What is the next worst thing that can happen to a person? 

And the answer is Abuse 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

55 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

What really helped to come this far? 

 

I went through a ton of shadow work late 2017 and realized that I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. 

So, what did shadow work reveal to me 

• That distraction, escapism and addiction (addiction to distraction) and lack of focus had become a norm. 

 

What did I learn from shadow work? 

• To be completely authentic.... No lying. No dishonesty. All of that lying is coming from trying to escape internal judgement impacted by a narcissistic judgemental person. To be completely authentic is a major first step towards spirituality. Fear is causing that  inauthenticity. 
• Be fearless. ... Fear created by control and trauma. The power dynamic of mother daughter relationship. Fear is causing to not stand up for oneself. It's causing Borderline symptoms. That is there is a correlation between abuse/trauma cycle and Borderline symptoms. Which means codependency and fear of abandonment. Borderline means fear of abandonment. Where does this fear of abandonment come from? It comes from early childhood emotional neglect and emotional deprivation (because I never felt loved by my mother who was an important figure in my life from whom I wanted affection and validation but never got so there was emotional starvation and deficit) this lead to fear of abandonment and Borderline codependency traits and tendencies. This codependency and Borderline fearful behavior lead to falling into toxic relationships and not able to escape them. Creating a toxic codependency cycle combined with a terrible need to show empathy (empathy that  inadvertently came from deep trauma and emotional suffering) and all of this lead to wanting to show empathy combined with the need to receive love in return and no abandonment or fear of abandonment causing strong attachment. 
• Important lesson here is to never have an imbalanced power dynamic relationship or authority figure in life ever to stop the re-ignition of trauma. 
• Feeling free. For me as a trauma victim, it's important to feel free. Because freedom was never given and never truly experienced.  It order to reverse the traumatic impact, it's important to feel free to go back to the original self. 
• Once you are able to get rid of helplessness, fear of abandonment, feeling trapped and not free, you will feel like you came back to home from a battleground or long travel. You will experience a never before relief. 
• Allow yourself to be yourself. The  hallmark sign of PTSD is that you never feel you can be allowed to be yourself. Especially when you are healing from narcissistic abuse by parent. You don't feel like you can be your true self. You fear that you won't be accepted. You feel lost. Your sense of identity is stolen from you. So regain it back. Allow yourself to be yourself. 
• PTSD causing inability to discover the true self because of control, fear and narcissistic abuse. 
• Lack of self awareness is a major symptom of PTSD. 
• Identity related issues. You're not able to have a fixed identity. Because there is nothing fixed. 
• The major reason behind the coping mechanisms that are constantly becoming re-written is because of a lack of freedom. So freedom is like a medicine for PTSD. It's like a balm that heals the wound quickly. So remember freedom and feeling free is required to stop the beginning of the cycle of unhealthy coping mechanisms - lying, pretentious behaviors, distraction, zero motivation. 
• Feeling calm. Hallmark sign of PTSD is feeling helpless and stressed all the time. 
• Invest time in stress relief exercises. 
• Hallmark sign of narcissistic abuse generated PTSD is feeling unaccepted or invalidated and deprived or snubbed or unwanted. Unbelongingness, separation. You'll feel like nobody wants you. 

I discussed this particular aspect in the following thread. 

Thread - how-to-deal-with-a-situation-where-nobody-wants-you-anymore

• Feeling belonged and accepted. Create this feeling as a part of healing process 
• Deal with Denial. You as a victim face a lot of denial from people, especially abusers and enablers/sympathizers/contributors. Learn to recognize and  reject such denials. 
• Another symptom is not feeling empowered. Try to feel empowered. 
• Develop a tough exterior against stress. 
• Reduce distraction. 
• Feeling encouraged, supported, loved by a group of people like community love will help in faster healing. Create yourself as a power brand. 
• Replace the negative judgements of the abuser with positive affirmations. 
• Don't look for validation of the abuser. 
• Feeling loved and cared. Feeling cared for gives a motivation to self care. Like somebody cares about you. This creates a feeling of joy or importance. This importance creates motivation to do better and improve self. It creates a wanting for life, an appreciation for everything. Creates a natural feeling of self love.. 
• Feeling secured. This is important because in PTSD you feel that you are losing everything or nobody cares, a sense of fear and survival mode. You become very scarcity oriented. You don't feel abundant and secured.. 
•  

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

What really helped to come this far? 

 

I went through a ton of shadow work late 2017 and realized that I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. 

So, what did shadow work reveal to me 

• That distraction, escapism and addiction (addiction to distraction) and lack of focus had become a norm. 

 

What did I learn from shadow work? 

• To be completely authentic.... No lying. No dishonesty. All of that lying is coming from trying to escape internal judgement impacted by a narcissistic judgemental person. To be completely authentic is a major first step towards spirituality. Fear is causing that  inauthenticity. 
• Be fearless. ... Fear created by control and trauma. The power dynamic of mother daughter relationship. Fear is causing to not stand up for oneself. It's causing Borderline symptoms. That is there is a correlation between abuse/trauma cycle and Borderline symptoms. Which means codependency and fear of abandonment. Borderline means fear of abandonment. Where does this fear of abandonment come from? It comes from early childhood emotional neglect and emotional deprivation (because I never felt loved by my mother who was an important figure in my life from whom I wanted affection and validation but never got so there was emotional starvation and deficit) this lead to fear of abandonment and Borderline codependency traits and tendencies. This codependency and Borderline fearful behavior lead to falling into toxic relationships and not able to escape them. Creating a toxic codependency cycle combined with a terrible need to show empathy (empathy that  inadvertently came from deep trauma and emotional suffering) and all of this lead to wanting to show empathy combined with the need to receive love in return and no abandonment or fear of abandonment causing strong attachment. 
• Important lesson here is to never have an imbalanced power dynamic relationship or authority figure in life ever to stop the re-ignition of trauma. 
• Feeling free. For me as a trauma victim, it's important to feel free. Because freedom was never given and never truly experienced.  It order to reverse the traumatic impact, it's important to feel free to go back to the original self. 
• Once you are able to get rid of helplessness, fear of abandonment, feeling trapped and not free, you will feel like you came back to home from a battleground or long travel. You will experience a never before relief. 
• Allow yourself to be yourself. The  hallmark sign of PTSD is that you never feel you can be allowed to be yourself. Especially when you are healing from narcissistic abuse by parent. You don't feel like you can be your true self. You fear that you won't be accepted. You feel lost. Your sense of identity is stolen from you. So regain it back. Allow yourself to be yourself. 
• PTSD causing inability to discover the true self because of control, fear and narcissistic abuse. 
• Lack of self awareness is a major symptom of PTSD. 
• Identity related issues. You're not able to have a fixed identity. Because there is nothing fixed. 
• The major reason behind the coping mechanisms that are constantly becoming re-written is because of a lack of freedom. So freedom is like a medicine for PTSD. It's like a balm that heals the wound quickly. So remember freedom and feeling free is required to stop the beginning of the cycle of unhealthy coping mechanisms - lying, pretentious behaviors, distraction, zero motivation. 
• Feeling calm. Hallmark sign of PTSD is feeling helpless and stressed all the time. 
• Invest time in stress relief exercises. 
• Hallmark sign of narcissistic abuse generated PTSD is feeling unaccepted or invalidated and deprived or snubbed or unwanted. Unbelongingness, separation. You'll feel like nobody wants you. 

I discussed this particular aspect in the following thread. 

Thread - how-to-deal-with-a-situation-where-nobody-wants-you-anymore

• Feeling belonged and accepted. Create this feeling as a part of healing process 
• Deal with Denial. You as a victim face a lot of denial from people, especially abusers and enablers/sympathizers/contributors. Learn to recognize and  reject such denials. 
• Another symptom is not feeling empowered. Try to feel empowered. 
• Develop a tough exterior against stress. 
• Reduce distraction. 
• Feeling encouraged, supported, loved by a group of people like community love will help in faster healing. Create yourself as a power brand. 
• Replace the negative judgements of the abuser with positive affirmations. 
• Don't look for validation of the abuser. 
• Feeling loved and cared. Feeling cared for gives a motivation to self care. Like somebody cares about you. This creates a feeling of joy or importance. This importance creates motivation to do better and improve self. It creates a wanting for life, an appreciation for everything. Creates a natural feeling of self love.. 
• Feeling secured. This is important because in PTSD you feel that you are losing everything or nobody cares, a sense of fear and survival mode. You become very scarcity oriented. You don't feel abundant and secured.. 
• Ignoring the abuse 
• Protecting yourself constantly 
• Healing Aesthetics, anything that creates feelings of joy,comfort, intimacy, love, peace, harmony, balance, fulfillment, security. I'll call this aesthetic massage. Healing aesthetics Create a supportive and safe and stimulating environment. 
• Focus on self love. Love and Acceptance play a big role in this. 
• Feeling accommodated. This is a special kind of accommodation. Example if you are diabetic.. And you live in a hotel where they serve you food. Now if it's an accommodating place, they ensure that the food is consistent with your diabetic diet. If they are not accomodating and considerate then they won't accommodate you. Similarly you've to tailor and schedule your entire life around accomodating your PTSD. For example, you're easily affected by what people say. Then you can't afford to socialise like others. You need to accommodate for your PTSD needs. That is you'll have to account for PTSD wherever you go. It's like you carry an inhaler with you if you're visiting an allergy inducing place.. You're accomodating for your allergic response. You're basically tailoring your life around it. So you avoid situations and environments or carry pre-prepared defensive methods to avoid or prevent PTSD triggers and stressors. The environment needs to be accomodating of your PTSD needs which means the environment should have the least trigger factors. The environment should be redesigned to accommodate the needs of the PTSD victim. And you as a victim also need ways to accommodate your needs and symptoms. For example if you are aware that certain type of persons or conversations trigger your PTSD, then accommodate for this factor and cut down or remove yourself from such conversations or cut off such people from contacting you. That's how you accomodate for yourself. Rewired. Refrained. Redone. Because the PTSD is affecting every element of my life, like cancer or like a virus impacting every cell or organ. Similarly PTSD affects nearly every aspect of life. Therefore every aspect will have to be such that it accommodates for the protocol of PTSD needs. Everything will need to be reframed in order so that the PTSD does not flare up. With every little thing you'll need to be super careful. To stop the ignition. For example if I get triggered by bullies, then before entering a classroom I will need to instruct the teacher or supervisor regarding my needs to be accommodated. If my PTSD is related to fire, let's say, then I will have to make arrangements where I will have to inform people beforehand that they should not talk about fire.. Your whole lifestyle will need to be modified in order to accomodate for the PTSD. 
• Feeling accomplished. This creates a feeling of self confidence and general confidence. Little achievements everyday. 
• The other kind of accomodation is where your weaknesses and disabilities are accomodated by the system or environment instead of being rejected or eliminated. An accommodating system makes your survival easier and acceptable rather than harder and dogmatic. 
• Feeling a sense of control. Like you are able to be in charge and able to have some control on the flow of your life. 

 

Finished 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to figure out my treatment plan which pretty much feels like climbing a mountain to me. 

But then I climbed so many mountains in my life 

Maybe this is my last..... 

 

[Preety_India]

Things that trigger my PTSD 

• People 
• Bullies 
• Narcissism 
• Hostile behaviors
• People getting too personal with me creates a sense of fear 
• Instigators
• Sarcasm or sarcastic behavior 
• Passive aggressive behavior 
• People giving me negative attention 
• People being obsessed with me 
• People being rude to me 
• Manipulators
• Being ignored or treated as unwanted.
• Being made to feel like I don't belong 
• Misogyny and sexism 
• Certain kinds of people 
• Being disrespected 
• Being told what to do 
• Aggression 
• Aggressors 
• Stressors 
• Narcissistic Abusers (manipulation, control, mind games) 
• General Abusers 
• Bipolar people. (they remind me of my primary  abuser) 

 

My primary abuser - my mother 

My secondary abuser - my 2 ex boyfriends. 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

6  distinct groups of triggers for my PTSD

 

•  Abusers 
•  Bullies
• Meanies 
• Harassers and stalkers
• Aggressors 
• Stressors 

 

What I'm going to do is - if I find anything that I see as reigniting my PTSD, I'll label it as a stressor of my triggers or push buttons or trigger buttons. 

For example loud sound triggers my PTSD. So I'll label loud sound as a stressor. 

 

 

 

 

This is how I feel..... Hopeless and helpless. Destroyed, robbed and ravaged. 

 

 

Edited March 5, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

A letter to myself 

 

To Preety 

 

Please stand up to your abuser. Just Please. 

 

 

 

From 

Marabella ❤️

 

 

[Preety_India]

I was diagnosed with PTSD on February 19th. 

 

[Preety_India]

I want to be free. 

Please God. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm just going through a lot right now. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

6 distinct groups of triggers for my PTSD

 

 

 

 Abusers 

 Bullies

Meanies 

Harassers and stalkers

Aggressors 

Stressors 

 

 

What I'm going to do is - if I find anything that I see as reigniting my PTSD, I'll label it as a stressor of my triggers or push buttons or trigger buttons. 

 

For example loud sound triggers my PTSD. So I'll label loud sound as a stressor. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Treatment plan and treatment protocol. 

 

[Preety_India]

The kind of people and traits required to deal with PTSD victims 

• Competency 
• Eligibility 
• Qualifications 
• Experience 
• Protocol 
• Expertise 

 

[Preety_India]

As a PTSD sufferer, you're going to navigate the world in Self protection mode 

Whereby you scrutinize every word and every sentence such that you don't fall for bait and you successfully navigate and survive through the situation and environment. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Now there is a vital difference, that is, between perspective and perspective in relation to something, which is nothing but context. 

One way of showing empathy, resonance,  understanding, compassion to the other person is to not only express your perspective generally speaking, I mean in a general sense, whereby you might disagree, but also empathizing with their perspective by correlating it with their situation, that is holding their perspective in context and then showing compassion to this perspective in context. This is pure non judgmental attitude. 

 

 

The last thing that a PTSD victim wants is shaming and judgement and dismissal whether it be related to their symptoms like crying, cutting, rage, whining, or be it their coping mechanisms like watching excessive TV, comfort eating, obsessive behavior, addictions, needy behavior.