PTSD and being Suicidal

[Preety_India]

Since I was diagnosed with PTSD recently, ill be documenting my journey on surviving and healing from it. 

PTSD is like a long term wound. 

 

Hopefully I'll make out of it 

The psychiatrist told me I would do fine with therapy and no medication would be needed. 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I've been suicidal last week. And kept on a suicide watch by family for 2 days. 

I started the youtube channel in the hopes that something good will come out of it. 

At this point, literally anything can take me to the edge of suicide.. 

With this PTSD, there are days that I feel good and there are days that I don't feel good at all. 

It's PTSD cyclic depression. 

This is my last try after which I will give up and commit suicide because I cant take it anymore. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I would have shot myself long ago. The only problem is that I didn't have a gun.. 

 

[Preety_India]

Whatever happened in Texas has sent me spiraling down further. 

The fact that my family there could be unsafe has made me extra insecure. 

My brother lives there with his wife and kids. 

This is compounding my already turbulent situation.. 

 

[Arcangelo]

Hi, sorry to hear that. PM if you wanna talk.

[Preety_India]

@Arcangelo I'll talk some day. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm thinking about life all over again. 

I'm looking at the world through different lenses.. 

Through the lenses of PTSD. 

Everything is either aesthetic (creative)  or PTSD inducing or just neutral survival. 

Just think about it. It makes perfect sense. 

Either everything is up or everything is down. 

Either a system upgrades or it degrades. What else can happen?maybe a neutral system. 

Either we grow or we age.   Isn't this the profound truth of life?

My greatest moments of profundity are  usually  in my greatest moments of despair. 

The picture of the world is truly 

• Aesthetic /flourishing /creative 
• PTSD
• Neutral. 

Either people grow /flourish or they suffer PTSD or they simply survive and go along life in a neutral manner. 

Either our environment is growth inducing/conducive or it is PTSD inducing or neutral. 

There cannot be any other colors other than a triple spectrum of these 3

1. White 
2. Black 
3. Gray/colorless 

Either we have  white color that represents aesthetic or growth. Or we have black color that represents darkness and decay. Or we have gray color or colorless that represents neutrality and nothingness, neither growth nor decay. 

 

[Preety_India]

Even if I had to die today, I'll die in peace. I'll know that I tried my absolute best to end my pain. I did everything to lean to spirituality. 

My only solace will be that I put a massive effort in being as spiritual as I could be. 

My body's journey might be limited. But my soul's energy is infinite. 

 

I don't think death changes anything much. 

In this process I end up writing my own obituary. Sort of. 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

My another insight in my deepest suicidal moments (which I've had the luck of having many in my short life) is that people like me who feel tormented in life always had a shadow following them their whole lives. 

I felt this presence. Many times. Like a psychic attack.. 

Like someone is watching me and laughing at my misery.. 

People don't believe in demons and devils. But I do. 

I know there are paranormal things. I've been struck by bad luck many times. Even my last bits of mental peace were stolen from me at times 

And I wondered who could be behind all this? Who is the mastermind?

This happened to my dad as well. He died eventually. It felt like there was someone who always wanted him to suffer despite his best efforts to be alive.. 

He tried hard to live. But became very weak in the end. He was unable to breathe. His body began to shut down in his last week on earth. And he suddenly passed. But he had put a massive amount of effort in surviving with terminal illness. 

His illness also gave me PTSD. I was very young when I saw him suffering. I was just 12 years old. He died a few years later. 

But within this short life, he gave me immeasurable happiness. He used to take me to the local ice cream shop, beautiful fond memories that I don't wish to remember. 

His tragic death spiraled me into a massive depression. 

Although recovered from it with some effort. 

His last words before dying were -"please take care of yourself. "

 I never really followed his words. I gave into self neglect and self destruction. 

There was nothing to feel good about  a mentally ill tyrant mother and a terminally ill struggling father, there was no way I could grow up normally or happily. 

 

So the insight that just came to me was this. There are psychic attacks. But I believe in mind over matter. I believe I can change fate. Maybe I can psychically conquer these demons attacking me. Maybe I can harness some psychic powers through effort and use these psychic powers to change the tide set by the trainwreck of events in my life. Maybe I can manipulate reality. What if I could and defeat the devil. What if I could bend time. What if I could change things in my life with my own mental energy so that I stop getting fucked over. What if I develop tremendous psychic energy and stop all the negative circumstances in my life. Put an end to this cycle. 

What if I develop my psychic energy so strong that it fights hard against psychic attacks and stop its influence in my life. What if this devil is rendered useless by my psychic powers. 

Yesterday my mom called me and gave me a death threat on the phone. I didn't take it seriously. I told her to Fuck off. Monster woman dominating my fucking life. I want my psychic powers to change her mindset so instead of her hating and dominating me, she will start being benevolent to me. 

Maybe this is possible. I'm simply toying with this idea of developing a strong psychic energy that can control events in my life to be in my favor so that they stop ruining my life. 

One thing that I've noticed in the life of people who (like me) generally feel tormented is that they have a specific chain of events, I'll call it a train events that finally end in their death or suicide. Nobody pays attention to it. Often people focus on an immediate event before suicide. Most people assume that it's a single event before killing that is responsible for the suicide. This is not the case. Look into that person's timeline and history of life. There are many clues here and there at different times. The devil's hand is at every point in this timeline. It is never a single event. Trauma keeps compounding until the person experiences a burn out. It's a train of events, one bad event after another, that finally drives  the person to the edge. Within the history of his or her life is a train of events responsible for making that person more and more miserable with time.  It's train of events, one bad event after another in sequence that keep pushing that person harder and harder, until he can take no more. People don't notice this. Usually when a person is suicidal, it's not without prior warnings. Most of these warnings are often neglected or ignored. 

When a person says they are suicidal, they are not taken  seriously, people call them drama queens or attention seekers.. Until that person is actually dead. Well.... 

That person was screaming all along for help. There were warnings. That person might have talked about their suicide ideation at some point. Their ideation was simply ignored by the family. 

Suicide is not a destination, it's a journey.. 

The person doesn't simply imagine some day that they have to be out of the game of life. They arrive at such a miserable point after having suffered tremendous pain in their lives, where it gets progressively worse with each passing year. Then the threshold is crossed at some point. It tumbles down rapidly from there.   Finally they reach a break point where they jump off and it's over.  That's how suicide actually works. It's a process, a sequence,  a train of events to fail a person at every step. 

If this doesn't sound like a psychic attack, I don't know what does. 

People often sympathize a person after they are dead and gone. I wish people  especially family would be just as sympathetic when the person was giving out warning signs and alive. A lot of difference can happen if people who are suicidal are given help at the first signs of such ideation. 

Suicide is like cancer. It goes through stages and then gets worse and finally death. 

If detected early and the problems fixed, many people can be saved from killing themselves. 

 

[diamondpenguin]

That's the thing, you don't actually want to kill yourself. You just want to be free from your suffering. But yea, life can be really shitty. Just gotta plan out the dream life and pursue that. If your willing to kill yourself, all options are on the table. If your willing to kill yourself you'll be willing to go through a lot of work to make your life better. Like if that's where your at then all options are on the table. 

[Preety_India]

So last night I had a nightmare, with PTSD nightmares are very common, and they rob you of your life. 

So with this nightmare, I saw a jackal like creature following me around. 

I felt a certain homesickness with my Texas family. I saw them. They had come to visit me in the dream/nightmare and they were suddenly leaving. My heart was pounding. Very hard. This jackal multiplied into many. It was very stubborn. 

It went and sat into a cat.  I used a hair brush and kept repeatedly hitting this jackal on the head and it wouldn't leave. It was sitting on the cat. 

I was pissed off to the point of madness.  I kept hitting the jackal and finally woke up. 

I felt sad that my Texas family got into a car and abruptly left without saying bye to me.. Felt homesick. 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So an hour ago.. To be frank this journaling helps so much in dealing with my feelings.  This is my only hope. 

Writing over and over helps a lot. It eases the pain. It's a struggle because the feelings usually come back. (with PTSD  trauma resurfacing is very common).. But writing excessively about it helps in taming the best. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

A general disclaimer for people commenting on this journal. Anyone commenting from now on. 

most of your comments will be ignored. Because I've realized that there is no real solution to people being rude to you on the internet. You simply have to tell them off or ignore them. They lack decency and social tact and so not much can fix that. You can't force someone to be empathetic to your situation. So the only option is to let them run their mouth since they feel so entitled to do so. 

I've experienced both supportive and hostile energy on this forum. With the rose you get the thorns 

What puzzles me the most is the fact that when you know you're going to be a dick to me, why bother to let me know me that. Why can't you resist the temptation to comment when your comment is not going to be helpful or well received or simply hurtful.. Do you accomplish a high by triggering? Also the well meaning teachy preachy types who engage in subtle victim blaming and victim shaming in subtler polite ways, what makes you believe that your advice won't fall on deaf ears, or even that your advice is correct to begin with, why so obnoxiously self righteous? You think that you're smarter than a psychologist? You know better when you don't even know me or what happens in my brain? Are you an expert enough to read my mind 

I'm being a bit hostile and aggressive because I'm like a wounded lion right now. I haven't lost brain cells and my survival instinct is still operating and keeping me from jumping off, or else words would have been enough to kill people. So yeah God has inserted the primal reptilian brain for a reason, he is well aware of human devilry of preying on the vulnerable. 

I'm very vulnerable in my journal and journals are meant for expressing yourself. So don't guilt me for sharing my personal details here. I'm not entering your homes telling you my personal stories, I'm simply writing them in my own journal, which by the way I'm supposed to, because that's what journals are meant for. They're popularly  used for venting. It's a therapeutic thing to journal and vent. You always have the option to not read someone's journal if you don't have a very positive image of the person in your mind. 

If you think that I'm playing victim, you can keep such perceptions to yourself, because your perceptions and judgements of me are far from my reality and the truth of my mind and life. So it's always best to keep your "useful" projections to yourself and not trigger me with those. Remember that when you say something, especially without evidence, you're always driving a narrative that could be harmful to me.  This journal is not about your life but my life. So you twisting my narrative might give you a small victory but will hurt my prospects of getting any support. 

You might be wondering if I am so worried about judgmental mean comments, then why am I sharing my personal life on here? That's because there are also supportive people online. If I keep my journal private as in some writing pad on my computer, I lose the chance of letting people know my story. People who are supportive are necessary for healing. This is no plot for attention. If I get to talk to someone here who understands me deeply, it's already worth sharing my story. Being alone in your private hell  is not a great idea.  Getting support is absolutely essential to recovery. So when I receive supportive comments, it boosts my confidence and I feel more positive and optimistic. Of course I should work on my own confidence but getting social support does not hurt. It only helps. Some people read my story and have helpful suggestions to offer and they write me privately in my inbox and that's a tremendous help too. So there are obvious benefits to public sharing. All these benefits are not possible if I write my stuff in a private space offline. 

Plus I have the great option of anonymity here. Nobody here knows my full name or address and will never know that. So I'm relatively anonymous at least to folks here. (not that I really care even if someone found me out in real life, my story has already been here for so long, I don't have any secrets to hide, the only fear is cyber stalking and cyber security. Since I'm anonymous (you guys only know my first name ) I don't have much to fear or worry about. It doesn't matter who knows me or who doesn't know me. What matters is people who are genuinely with me through life. We are all here to improve ourselves and not to judge one another. 

So yea for all the ones who feel an extra need to be unnecessarily hostile to me, you can put your meanie beanie on, put your tail between your legs and after reading my sob story walk out of my journal just the way you came in. Btw your judgmental insensitive comments won't really bother me too much, I'm well armored for that, since I've had the misfortune of dealing with your types many times before. 

I've a keen sense so I can smell hostility and bullshit even from far. So before you even open your mouth, I will be sending you off on your way, im a smartass in that department. My defensive behavior is a result of my PTSD, if you didn't know that, and it won't subside until I'm healed. If you expect me to put up with your meanness and judgement, then you gotta learn to put up with my defensiveness in the same breath. Shouldn't dish out if you can't take it.  PTSD victims tend to push people away so you'll more than likely observe that in me.  I generally try my best to not get triggered and stay polite and decent as much as possible, but at the same time, my inner visceral reaction is not my fault, it's my only defense mechanism. 

Before you come here with your big judgmental preachy nose, take some time to read about how to communicate and talk to PTSD victims, tone and usage of words etc. Sarcasm is not welcome at all.  PTSD victims are a bit hypersensitive because of their traumatic experiences, they aren't being over dramatic. Much of my symptoms will mimic the traits of vulnerable or hypersensitive narcissism. This is not that. This is simply me reacting to triggers.  I've a hypersensitive personality from birth, im emotionally fragile and weak, it's just that I get hurt very easily, it's not about ego but just a trigger that reminds me of being unloved by my family. So don't lump me into some box of Narcissism or egoic nature or "too much ego " bullshit. I'm just hypersensitive just like people are allergic.. 

Also I'm an empath. There are different kinds of empath. I'm aware of the empaths on this forum (they are dime a dozen here, another reason to hate non duality) who even extend their empathy to Hitler and bullies. I'm not that type of empath. I haven't yet reached your solipsistic high moral frame so please don't gaslight me if I'm unable to have empathy for abusers and racists and meanies. That's not my forte, because I'm naturally an empath due to my suffering, I'm not the type who is jacking their meditation to artificially induce empathy. I have empathy for victims and I mean real victims because I'm well aware what suffering feels like, live in my world and walk in my shoes and see.  If you had a cushy existence and didnt have the misfortune to suffer my scars, it's much easier for you to preach me love and "pretend trauma " from your ivory high tower. That language is to be expected from someone who hasn't really suffered enough. 

Trauma is a real experience of the brain and not a fabrication. So try to have a basic understanding of it and if you can't, then you shouldn't divulge into matters and subjects you're ill informed about 

Im not asking anyone to coddle me in this journal. Just asking to be decent and gentle. And given the nature of the forum  its not too much to ask for. 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The first step is that I'm not alone. 

 

[Preety_India]

I have to focus on my healing and put all my effort into it. 

Also I made a post earlier about developing psychic powers to remove negative entity and to stop psychic attacks. 

To clear blocks from the path and create a new slate. 

To redirect my own life path with my own energy. 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

To develop extremely high psychic energy. 

To redirect or spawn or forge a new path using psychic energy. 

 

I have to focus on my healing and put all my effort into it. 

Also I made a post earlier about developing psychic powers to remove negative entity and to stop psychic attacks. 

To clear blocks from the path and create a new slate. 

To redirect my own life path with my own energy. 

I'll call creating or inducing psychic energy as Funneling. 

And I'll call redirecting a new path as Forging. 

Funneling and Forging 

Another part is clearing blocks. 

• Funneling 
• Forging 
• Clearing blocks 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[BipolarGrowth]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

To develop extremely high psychic energy. 

To redirect or spawn or forge a new path using psychic energy. 

 

I have to focus on my healing and put all my effort into it. 

Also I made a post earlier about developing psychic powers to remove negative entity and to stop psychic attacks. 

To clear blocks from the path and create a new slate. 

To redirect my own life path with my own energy. 

I'll call creating or inducing psychic energy as Funneling. 

And I'll call redirecting a new path as Forging. 

Funneling and Forging 

Another part is clearing blocks. 

• Funneling 
• Forging 
• Clearing blocks 

 

 

My psychic abilities materialized like crazy after just one moderate ayahuasca retreat which only was two nights of ingesting the substance and a weekend. It’s available legally in the states with several organizations. My depression was also eradicated following the retreat. It might give the immediate relief you’re likely seeking although it likely will wear off. It also helped my PTSD in a way I could’ve never imagined really. This gets into the physic realm.. Anyway, I saw your doc said you shouldn’t take meds. I don’t know you as well as him, but I just want to offer the perspective that him telling you that could potentially be partially responsible for your death. I don’t think you’d be doing all this work if you didn’t still want life to be worth living. I’d recommend, not that you’re asking (bad habit of mine lol), that you at least talk to a psychiatrist about trying an antidepressant with a side effect profile that seems reasonable to you. I’ve found that SSRIs are incredibly ineffective for me. Two months ago I started an NDRI (norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor) called Wellbutrin. It’s taken quite a long time to find the right antidepressant, but it can be worth it. I hope this isn’t too intrusive. I know this is your journal after all. 

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, BipolarGrowth said:

My psychic abilities materialized like crazy after just one moderate ayahuasca retreat which only was two nights of ingesting the substance and a weekend. It’s available legally in the states with several organizations. My depression was also eradicated following the retreat. It might give the immediate relief you’re likely seeking although it likely will wear off. It also helped my PTSD in a way I could’ve never imagined really. This gets into the physic realm.. Anyway, I saw your doc said you shouldn’t take meds. I don’t know you as well as him, but I just want to offer the perspective that him telling you that could potentially be partially responsible for your death. I don’t think you’d be doing all this work if you didn’t still want life to be worth living. I’d recommend, not that you’re asking (bad habit of mine lol), that you at least talk to a psychiatrist about trying an antidepressant with a side effect profile that seems reasonable to you. I’ve found that SSRIs are incredibly ineffective for me. Two months ago I started an NDRI (norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor) called Wellbutrin. It’s taken quite a long time to find the right antidepressant, but it can be worth it. I hope this isn’t too intrusive. I know this is your journal after all. 

Thank you for your help.  I have tried meds for two years before. They messed up pretty bad. Right now I'm on a beta blocker although I don't like it that much. Ive been off anti depressants since past 3 years and I feel amazing in terms of a sense of control. 

I became too suicidal on anti depressants with no sense of control on my imagination. They made me groggy, weight issues and the withdrawals were panic inducing. I became dependent on them very quickly. 

So I came off them and tapered them off and happy to never want them again 

I've a long history of PTSD (anywhere between 3 to 7 years ). 

This time I decided to approach a psychologist. I told him that I won't take meds no matter what. 

So he told me that I didn't really need meds if I didn't want to. And suggested me long term psychotherapy. 

I'm adamant against meds now. I know it works for some, I guess not for me. 

I am more therapy focused now. I was doing slightly better at the beginning of this month.  But I spiraled downwards again when I learned about the Texas power situation. 

Hopefully if things get slightly better it terms of my environment, I'll be back on my feet. 

You're very helpful as you seem to know what I'm going through 

So I will reach out to you privately whenever I want extra help, support and guidance. 

I hope you'll hang around for me. 

 

[Preety_India]

@BipolarGrowth you were recommended to me by a personal friend on the forum. Love you. 

 

[Preety_India]

Systematic decompression of stress. What does this mean. It means extreme stress therapy. Freezing the system to avoid overheating and burnout and cure long term damage. 

Factory reset mode. Overhaul. 

Treat your body like a universe. 

 

 

Edited February 19, 2021 by Preety_India