Questions Concerning SelfCare Discipline and Fear

[Shroomdoctor]

Good Evening,

 

I haven't visited this forum in a long time. Now, having gone through a lot of internal development in the last year or so, mostly through sufferring actually, I wanted to try to get some ideas for my current biggest problem. 

Basically, I have a quite clear vision on whre I want to go with my life. I have come to understand myself a lot better, developing a lot of authenticity and shedding many false fronts. I believe that a big part of me is at the pluralist stage atm.

However, as I developed this self-awareness and shedding of old beliefs and fronts through basically hitting rock bottom, being constantly high on weed for like half a year, my material surroundings are less then ideal. 

 

I still have a lot of negative emotion coming up. I try to take the time to process them, but on the other hand there are material demands on me that make it very hard to find balance. A month ago, I started a new job, working 9+ hours with unpaid overwork. At the same time I quit smoking weed completely and still feel the withdrawels. Last week, I had to take one sick day, because my body was just totally exhausted from too much cafeein, weed withdrawel and stress. After retruning to work, I got beraded for being sick 5 times in an hour by my boss. At that time I decided to quit, before that job destroys me.

 

I had a lot of problems actually finding any work, because I have a year gap in my resume that employeers tend to sort me out immediatly. I know I can't sustain a full time job right now, and finding something half time is even harder. That creates tons of anxiety within me. I know I want to build a career around music, I know my life purpose lies in that direction, but I can't do that when I struggle to even pay the rent. 

 

So right now, I find it extremely difficult to give my self the time to process emotions, work on my music business, and try to find a suitable position that doesn't kill me but also pays my bills. There are times where I am quite hopeful, but at the same time I get these intense bouts of depression that leave me unable to do anything but coping and feeling through them for a few hours. 

 

I don't ask for any miracle solutions but maybe someone has experiance how to balance all these things. Any advice is appreciated and I thank you all for your input in advance. 

 

Love to you all!