5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #1: Facing The Personal Ever-nearing Apocolypse

[Azrael]

2 hours ago, Emil said:

This is crazy!! but what made you smoke a cigarette with so much awareness present?

Hahaha, good one. I started smoking a few months ago again (after being 4 months in an existential crisis). And trust me, if you do this you probably even as a non-smoker will want to smoke a cigarette. Just because the feeling of coming from this into your normal body-mind-apparatus is way to crazy. Also, don't confuse being aware with the "vegan, lets all do yoga and be friendly"-kind of lifestyle. I'm not anti this, but awareness simply makes you more aware of who you are, it's a recognition and not a sudden change of all your habits. This change of habits seems to happen over the time but it's a very long process and also doesn't make everyone the same. Some people authentically have a temper, some are very nice, some just don't give a fuck and some like me use a quarter of a page to justify their negative behaviors, know and won't change it either way because it's so nice being authentically bad.

Cheers, man. Btw, don't take me too seriously here. I'm having a little fun with you.

[Neo]

On ‎10‎/‎10‎/‎2016 at 9:39 AM, electroBeam said:

@Neo cya later

maybe after years of purification, you will eventually stumble upon that dogmatic, prejudice belief holding you back from using this natural miraculous medicine. Or maybe not, maybe you will be stuck in the stone age forever.

Whether its stone age, or eventually coming to your senses, I wish you well.

@electroBeam This is my response.

(Me - Arnie . You Dr Edgemar)

 

 

[Orange]

21 hours ago, Azrael said:

 

So, what does he say? Stop asking the question and see what stays. See what stays when you don't look for it. See what stays when you are in deep pain, see what stays when you are in love. See what was before you were born into your dream. See what stays when you'll die. Btw, you can find this out. It's actually not that hard. It's actually way harder to make up the illusion that you don't know.

I thought about it and i believe what stays is an awareness. Apart from being caught up in the deep pain or love, there is something that knows this is happening and watching it. But , what was before you or i were born? There was no awareness..There was nothing. .so idk

 

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If you don't understand this, you begin to understand it. If you understand it, you have to further investigate.

 

Hehe Yes I don't understand. Even this sentence, it makes no sense to me. If I don't understand how can I understand? It sounds like the enigmas we had to do when we were kids at a treasure hunt to find where the next location of the next hint would be. Just give me the fucking treasure Azrael goddamnit

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How do you know when you're in love? You just do. I can show you a thousand brain scans of people who are in love and read books about it, but all that is trying to explain a blind person what "blue" looks like. You'll find out, when it appears. Trust in your intuition, trust in your own awakening. Also, how do you know when you have to learn for a math exam that you got calculus and can learn deeper math? You know, when you got the message what calculus really is and when you don't need any specific method anymore to recognize how to solve a calculus task. Same with anything else in life, you'll know when you got it down. Trust in your senses. You have nothing else to rely on, anyway.

 

Ok this, so far so good. We are speaking the same language here.

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Good question! Let's go back to the dream metaphor. Let's say in this dream you chose to jump out of an airplane and as you jump you notice that you have forgotten your parachute (because its just a weired dream, right? ). So now because you think all there is is this dream, you are going to die in 3 minutes. Close your eyes and visualize that. How does it feel? Right in the last 3 seconds. That'll give you a taste of the first halve of the experience, the dying. What you don't know and can't even fathom, even in retrospect, is the waking up when you hit that ground and explode.

Nice metaphor, thanks. 

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They come back, but it feels like before the trip your mind was very dirty and after it it feels like being completely washed, clean, good smelling and just fine and calm. And you keep some of the awareness you experience in the trip.

Okay

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I know I am kind of a dick not answering your questions like you want it to be -

And..Yea

Edited October 14, 2016 by Orange

[Azrael]

4 hours ago, Orange said:

Hehe Yes I don't understand. Even this sentence, it makes no sense to me. If I don't understand how can I understand? It sounds like the enigmas we had to do when we were kids at a treasure hunt to find where the next location of the next hint would be. Just give me the fucking treasure Azrael goddamnit

Listen, it's like this. What you're trying to do is you want to understand it logically, you wanna make sense out of all that. Which is of course understandable. Because that's the way we humans mostly go about our business. But if it comes to recognizing your own nature, you have to see that logic, scientific investigation and especially words are and always will be a subset of the thing itself. These methods and frameworks are something that come out of your own nature but never ever can represent it fully in its integrity, because there is more to it.

That's why when I say "If you don't understand it, you begin to understand and if you understand it you need further investigation" I am pointing to what I just described. I'm pointing that your ability to abstract and model reality will not be sufficient to catch it, to get hold of it. It's like using a net to catch water, it'll always slip away.

So how do you get it? You sit down and accept that everything your mind comes up with is not the thing you're searching for. And after some time you'll begin to see that there is something underlying your thoughts, your feelings and everything you know that let's these things exist. They come from it and go to it. It's the same with birth and death. You say awareness is born and will die. I'd say look again.

If that's really the case what then birthed awareness into being and what takes it out of being, hah? What's underneath that. What is this ground of being that is ever-present but seems to slip through your fingers when you try to look for it? What is this thing that isn't a thing? Of course these are all brain-twisters but they're supposed to wake something up in you that knows exactly what I'm talking about. What you have to do is to look further into this until some day it's looks right in your face and you can't deny it anymore. Then there will be a sudden shift.

I know this is hard to understand, it was for me as well in the beginning. Just trust in your ability to see it and it'll come with patience. It's actually not that hard. It's just that people like to make it very hard and put it on a pedestal when it's really the ground that holds the pedestal up. 

Cheers

[Emil]

20 hours ago, Azrael said:

Hahaha, good one. I started smoking a few months ago again (after being 4 months in an existential crisis). And trust me, if you do this you probably even as a non-smoker will want to smoke a cigarette. Just because the feeling of coming from this into your normal body-mind-apparatus is way to crazy. Also, don't confuse being aware with the "vegan, lets all do yoga and be friendly"-kind of lifestyle. I'm not anti this, but awareness simply makes you more aware of who you are, it's a recognition and not a sudden change of all your habits. This change of habits seems to happen over the time but it's a very long process and also doesn't make everyone the same. Some people authentically have a temper, some are very nice, some just don't give a fuck and some like me use a quarter of a page to justify their negative behaviors, know and won't change it either way because it's so nice being authentically bad.

Cheers, man. Btw, don't take me too seriously here. I'm having a little fun with you.

haha alright, thanks man !

[Flicker_boy]

don't know if its related but..

also, @Neo

 

[Azrael]

@InsidesOut, yes the Ken Wilber video is the one that inspired me for the title and gave me the concept, you caught me.

[Flicker_boy]

@Azrael gotcha

[CosmicTrekker]

On 10/12/2016 at 8:22 AM, Travis said:

5 meo is MUCH more powerful than mushrooms, and it's an entirely different kind of experience

I hear that mushrooms are also capable of dissolving the ego completely at a high enough dosage - though I've no direct experience of this. 

If I was to go down the psychedelic route to enlightenment, I'd start with MDMA > LSD > Mushrooms > DMT > 5MEO.

From what Leo said of his experience, it seems that large doses of 5MEO are better than moderate or small dosages. With smaller dosages you're more likely to be stuck in that mystic realm where the ego is still holding on and fighting and which could then lead to a bad trip.

[CosmicTrekker]

On 10/13/2016 at 0:26 PM, Orange said:

I know it is really difficult to put words behind these things but if you can, what does this mean? 

The terror I felt may have been subjective. I think subconsciously I held the belief that death meant the total annihilation of the self - a final release from the mortal coils of this life, including consciousness/awareness - this was my expectation for when I would be confronted by death.

So, It was a complete surprise to me then to come to know that I have always existed and will always exist. This knowing was of such unquestionable clarity that no inkling of doubt existed. There was a part of me/my ego that just did not want to accept this, so much so that it felt like the ultimate emergency button had been pressed and my mind was running around like a headless chicken desperate to get the fuck out of whatever it felt it was trapped in. 

Another aspect that frightened me was the realization that there is only 'me' - this fright was filled with a sense of complete and utter loneliness. I've felt loneliness before in life, but this was completely off the scale - it was tinged with desperation.  

In terms of my sense of self - that did not change, the I-ness I have always felt was the same I-ness - but instead of being an I with very well defined boundaries, I was the I, the only I, with no boundaries, no limits, in an dark expansive space.

Lastly, every feeling that I felt and everything I was aware of felt authentic and unquestionably the truth in the truest sense. 

I know that sooner or later I will confront this again, but will knowing what I know now, make the experience easier to accept? I don't know - I hope so.

 

[pluto]

Very nice report, reminded me a lot of my experiences although never tried 5-MeO only N,N. Its amazing like when Lucy becomes 100% ^^

There's no better feeling than complete understanding even just for 1 nanosecond is enough to fill your whole life with endless library of memories and moments of you as you created everything with nothing to begin with. 

Life is all about you and not at all about you

 

 

Edited October 20, 2016 by pluto

[Don_Avocado]

On 10/9/2016 at 6:09 PM, Azrael said:

After having this for some time I managed to surrender into this birthing and dying every few moments and flowed with it for a few moments. It was the most majestic, horrifying, loving, still and moving I don't know what to call it that I have ever seen. Completely impossible. In the process I actually thought I died because there was no indication left that I was alive. Having done that it birthed and destroyed me for some more time, like 10 minutes and I opened my eyes and surrendered to the process. I merged with everything I could see, I was the room, the thing itself and the viewer of it. I was still being pumped with tremendous amounts of awareness every few seconds. Fuck me man, this is nuts I thought.

Azrael, this bit really helped me with my 23mg trip on 5-MeO-DMT... "fuck me man, this is nuts"... the experience of becoming infinite, but then being birthed back into a body & mind, and then exploding out again, multiple times... the way our ego whips our experience into something navigable, understandable & tangible is unfathomable. And fuck me, it doesn't let go easily.

Amazing post, please keep sharing your experiences.

Edited October 31, 2016 by Don_Avocado

[Feeble Dave]

@Azrael, any update on a  third experience? Don't mean to rush you but I'm so exited!

[Azrael]

2 hours ago, Feeble Dave said:

@Azrael, any update on a  third experience? Don't mean to rush you but I'm so exited!

Yeah, sorry I'm still a little bit ill. I think I can do it next weekend and then I'll write it up. These fucking winter colds ...

[Feeble Dave]

Fair enough. I've had two colds this season too. Good luck!

[Kserkkj]

@Azrael  Hey Azrael, is this substance addictive? I hear from spiritual teachers like adyashanti.. saying spiritual experiences are by far the MOST addictive experiences, and I only plan on doing this substance 1 time for a long while, don't wanna get caught by my parents.

[Azrael]

6 hours ago, John Flores said:

@Azrael Apparetly illnesss is also brought on by resistance (or ego) so I wonder if the drug can actually heal you or if you just stop caring afterwards.

Yes, that's true, mostly it's the physiological resistance that one built up over years - you are (if you are not enlightened) constantly holding yourself together which creates the sensation of being separate (and this also isn't healthy yes). However, having a cold is as normal as taking a shit. My body just needs to clean itself.

If I would to take 5-MeO with having a cold, I would probably get a heart attack, unconscious or stop breathing. I don't know. You have no idea what you are talking about here. You cannot do this while not being physically completely stable. Consider flying into outer space and being ill. Would you do that? Now, 5-MeO is infinitely more heavy then that. It kills you, my man.

6 hours ago, John Flores said:

Leo mentioned his sinuses cleared up after the drug

A lot of my bodily tensions completely vanished after the initial dosages. This is incredible and I will elaborate on it in my next post about it.

2 hours ago, Kserkkj said:

@Azrael  Hey Azrael, is this substance addictive? I hear from spiritual teachers like adyashanti.. saying spiritual experiences are by far the MOST addictive experiences, and I only plan on doing this substance 1 time for a long while, don't wanna get caught by my parents.

No, it's not addictive. It's the opposite (and that's the same with normal DMT). If you do it, you are less likely to do it again because it's so heavy. Even though it is beautiful, the experience itself is so heavy. I always say if I'm asked what normal DMT is like: "Well, it's paradise in outer space with angels. But to get there, you have to shoot yourself in the head." And it's something like that. Same with MeO in my experience.

But of course, you can get psychologically addicted to anything, beaware of that. Doing it one time won't help you though very much and if you don't wanna get caught by your parents I guess that you are still very young and so I wouldn't recommend this AT ALL. Start with stuff like shrooms or LSD. I wrote about this in the comments of this post. Look it up.

[Psychonaut]

@Azrael Do you also feel like you can meditate much much deeper now? And how about after effects?

[Azrael]

5 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

@Azrael Do you also feel like you can meditate much much deeper now? And how about after effects?

Wait for the next post. There I'll talk about this.

[Psychonaut]

@Azrael Btw have you seen my thread on my "experiences" ?