5-meo-dmt | Trip Report #1: Facing The Personal Ever-nearing Apocolypse

[Azrael]

So, I got myself involved in 5-MeO-DMT. But before I start this post, I'd like to point out that if you wanna know a little bit about my psychedelic background and another fun trip report, you might wanna read my report on shrooms first - if you haven't. There I describe my background with this etc. You can find it here.

+++ Research, Planning And a Fun Experiment +++

So, how did it all start? Let's go back in time. Roughly two months ago when Leo released his mushroom videos I wrote with him here on the forum about my experiences with psychedelics, told him about one bad trip that I had and so on. In this conversation he said I should checkout 5-MeO-DMT and that nothing really compares to that.

I gotta say I was kind of skeptical at first. I had done regular n,n-DMT and thought that this would be as "high as it gets". Little did I know. So I did some research over the weeks into MeO, asked some friends who had done it and read a lot. After a few weeks I forgot about it mostly because I had exams to learn for and interesting projects at work.

Then Leo released his video about becoming God. I still remember how I listened to that in the morning while eating breakfast and I'm like: "This can only be MeO." So I waited a week until he made his video about it. So I thought, I better get involved in this. This sounds transformational and scary and I'm up for super-charging my progress. I did some more research and got me 250mg of 5-MeO-DMT, lab-tested with a minimum of 98% purity in HCL form. Don't ask me where I got it, if you can't do the research, don't do it. Onions might have been involved in this process, one rumors.

So, I basically set up an experiment that I was going to undertake. The question I want to solve is: "Can a habitual use of 5-MeO-DMT used 1-2 a month raise my awareness permanently if used for 6-12 months?" This is the question I wanna investigate with this. To do that, I will do the tripping and document what happens with me. I plan to release I'd say at least 1 post per month here on the forum on my experiences - but more importantly on the development that happens in me. This is why I do this. I am actually thinking about making this in a video form (me telling this to you instead of writing). I might do that if the changes that occur are as deep as I expect them to be so that the cost of exposure and the investment in time and effort will be worth it. We'll see. If you like this whole experiment, like the posts and comment, ask questions and so on, so that I see that you guys are interested. If not, I'll document this just privately for me or later purposes.

So, I got all this down and last Thursday, the 6th of October was the day it should all begin. So let's jump right into it.

+++ The First Two Dosages: Light and Medium +++

How do you prepare to die? That's the question I asked myself before I did the first trip. And you really can't. You can just try to be at peace with whatever happens as much as you can be. This is rather difficult, because your mind can simply not come up with any framework that brings it at peace with non-existence. You have to let that go. I was pretty scared and nervous before the first trip, to be honest with you. I did all the stuff I had to do on that day, so that I had time to prepare, to do and integrate the first experiences with this beast of a drug.

Before I started, I laid on my bed, closed my eyes and went deep inside. I talked to my unconscious and asked it whether it really wants to do this kind of experience and whether I could accept to die into it, so that it could become everything. I listened to my intuition that was in for it. That calmed me down a lot and was the basis for the surrendering I had to do here. I would've quit the whole thing if something in me would've not wanted this authentically.

The following is a sum-up of three light-to-medium trips I took on Thursday and Saturday. They are based on 1x 15mg and 2x 20mg of MeO and had similar effects.

I weighted the dosage on my scale, made two halves out of it, turned on my tripping music very quietly and snorted the powder in with a third of a straw. You basically wanna sniff it in with the least energy to get it inside, so that it stays in the nostrils. Then you hold a finger on the nostril opening, do the other nostril, cover that and sit down on your couch / bed.

I sat down on my bed, tilted my head upside down and massaged the MeO into my nostrils. It burns a little bit but not very much in my experience. After 3-5 minutes my reality would get wanky and I would lie down on my bed very openly. I tried to focus on my breathing that got slower and slower while my pulse would be shooting through the top. And I mean through the the motherfucking top. You have not experienced this kind of pulse ever before in your life (if you weren't confronted with a death-like situation). I knew this would be coming, but man. You begin to worry a little bit if you can even physically take this. Then my bodily tensions and pressures slowly vanished, I closed my eyes and all I could feel is my pulse, a feeling of terror in my abdomen and a very slow breath. I mainly focused on keeping my breath going because it felt like it would stop any second if don't consciously breathe. (This is a known feature of the MeO-experience that it feels like your breath stops, however it doesn't. One does not have to be afraid of this. However, if you feel this the first time it is very heavy to say the least. Me whole body gave me signals that I'm going to die right now and it felt like I was on the edge for a good twenty minutes.

So what did I do? How do you face such a situation? With eyes closed I just tried to get in contact with this force that birthed me into life and that makes and shapes me every moment. I actually kinda got hold of this and it felt very much like home and that I could just surrender into it. I was on the verge of psychological death. I totally gave in. In these 20 minutes it felt like I purged 10 years of emotional baggage. Every fear and every fight that I ever had with myself just vanished and disappeared as I faced my own death here. It is - to say the least - transformational and scary.

After 30 minutes the terror kind of went away, I opened my eyes and was just bathed in this clearness. I laid on my bed for I don't know how long and was just there. No thoughts, no interpretation, no worries, no hopes, no fears. Just stillness and clearness. It was sick, I gotta say. After it, a lot of the heightened awareness actually stayed and is still present. It cut out in the last couple of days a lot of unnecessary thoughts. My meditation practice feels super-charged and my unwanted desires mostly went away. I'm not in a meditative state, but just really grounded and authentic. I don't resist myself anymore - at least in the last few days - and every kind of conflict or negative association just melts because of what happened there. Like, you don't have to do anything to stay grounded and aware, you just are because even if a earthly worry would come up it just is not equipped to hypnotize you anymore, because you have faced your own death. And nothing is greater then that.

You faced your personal ever-nearing apocalypse - and nothing else compares. That's it. But that should just be the beginning.

+++ The strong semi-breakthrough dosage +++

For Saturday evening I had planned the last initial dosage. 30mg. Boy, I wouldn't have dreamed in my wildest dreams that 10 godly milligrams could do such a difference. I had expected that I would go from near-death to a kind of void and that this is it. Yeah, think again.

So I followed up on the normal procedure I described above, sat down on the bed massaging my nostrils. 3 minutes in the reality would get wanky again. So I laid down on my bed and expected the upcome to take at least a few more minutes. I don't know how long it actually took but I suspect 5-10 seconds when I laid down and opened up I was just gone. My mind just started collapsing in on itself. Indescribable. Pulse through the top, breath on the verge of being existent, bodily tensions and feelings not there unless a big, mother... god-fucking big existential terror in my abdomen. It felt like my whole nervous system collapsed in on itself, my mind tried to wrap its head around it and just every frame of reference vanished.

You don't even remotely suspect how deep your ego shapes your perception. Every experience you have, everything you take in and make sense out of is combined with your web of beliefs. Even the most little thing like taking a breath is carrying years and years of your ego in it. Every little cell in your body. And now imagine all of this goes down to zero, nada, nothing. Just collapses in on yourself. It is by far the deepest kind of transformation you could ever experience. You are just blown away and every tool that your mind uses to come up with a calming solution of "you can handle that in a certain way" just isn't there. You're basically going insane while you are dying while it feels like every two seconds you are flushed with the doubled amount of awareness you just had. Very, very intense experience, guys. Very intense.

This is such an physical experience that I actually thought I gotta vomit. It felt like my body would explode and implode every few moments. So I ran to the toilet, put a finger in my throat and tried to vomit. Nothing happened. And I'm like: "What the fuck?" I never in my life was so certain that I gotta vomit and I never put my finger so deep into my throat to get me to do this. But I just didn't.

So I laid back down in my bed for about 10 seconds and then got up because I thought I gotta vomit again. Didn't happen. The second time hanging over the toilet I realized that I'm completely transforming right now and that this is probably the cause of me thinking I gotta vomit. This was one of the only thoughts I had in these moments. Dear, dear thought. I was happy that you were around, buddy. At least a little calm.

So I got back to my bed, laid down again, opened up, massaged my navel a little bit (which a friend of mine - a Qigong practitioner - recommended to me to get my awareness from my head into my abdomen which calms you down) and closed my eyes. In that moment all tensions, the existential terror and the complete shock I was in just exploded in this ever-still moment that expanded in all directions while not moving at all. I was that for a brief time and then were birthed again into my ego, were ripped out of again and then were the stillness again. This occurred for some time.

God is a beast, man. A fucking beast.

After having this for some time I managed to surrender into this birthing and dying every few moments and flowed with it for a few moments. It was the most majestic, horrifying, loving, still and moving I don't know what to call it that I have ever seen. Completely impossible. In the process I actually thought I died because there was no indication left that I was alive. Having done that it birthed and destroyed me for some more time, like 10 minutes and I opened my eyes and surrendered to the process. I merged with everything I could see, I was the room, the thing itself and the viewer of it. I was still being pumped with tremendous amounts of awareness every few seconds. Fuck me man, this is nuts I thought.

By looking at the things in my room they changed their boundaries like every few seconds. Like the shelve and the wall would now be one thing, then everything would blur out and then they formed a different object again. No hallucinations, but just every kind of way you could perceive an object in like 30 seconds. I didn't even try to understand this.

After 45 minutes I slowly came out and by that time didn't even care anymore whether I was breathing, my pulse was going through the top or whatever just happened. I was completely wiped clean, bathing in this stillness and nothingness and slowly saw how my ego began to put my world together again.

After that I smoked a cigarette and took a walk. My head was surprisingly still and cool with what just happened and was happy to have even greater amounts of awareness and stillness, no bad thoughts coming up, feeling very authentic. I asked myself whether I wanna do this again for 6-12 months on a bi-weekly basis and my intuition was still in for it.

Why do I call this a semi-breakthrough and not a genuine breakthrough? I think that if I do this a couple of times and increase the dosage 3-5mg I would be leaving most of the terror behind and bath more consistently in the absolute. I was kind of going in and out here the whole time which was kind of crazy. So we'll see next time.

+++ The Aftermath +++

So, I guess you read all of this and just think: "What the fuck, how could anyone ever do something like that to himself?" Let me tell you why. In this moment of complete shock, terror and then dissolving into the absolute you are shown your own birth and death. You actually see how you die every few moments and then are born again a moment later. You see how you are this collection of thoughts, perceptions and emotions and how they spontaneously arise out of an infinite pool of possibilities. 

I'd guess that if you do that for a few times you can surrender so deeply into it that most of the terror dissolves and you just die into the beauty and majesty of it. Of your own divine nature. I also guess from the aftermath that I experience right now that your own mind has to rebuild itself in a higher order after these experiences because it has no framework to handle it with your limited view.

Besides that, I guess that this will lead to the most mature emotionality a human being can have because you learn to accept dying here. That means that over some time nothing really can bug you anymore, because you have experienced and surrendered to your death and have seen beyond it. This I would conclude can lead to tremendous psychological changes that could cause an permanent awakening because nothing else can really handle such an experience. No framework of a normal sleeping mind can do that.

Also, the feeling and awareness you get after these experiences are amazing. It feels like being reborn again, clean. It feels like I have done 3 years of daily meditation in 45 minutes, 3 years of talking and fighting and adjusting myself. It is that powerful. I think that it just gets more powerful the more you do it, although it is scary and horrifying to a degree. But you also see that there is really nothing that can really destroy you. And that itself is transforming.

So yeah, that's my take on the first experiences. If you are interested in me posting more of this and documenting my journey here on the forum, like this, comment and let me now. I'll go through that and see where I end up. I think it's gonna be a good place. The last few days were the most exciting, refreshing and calm days I had in my entire life.

Cheers to 5-MeO-DMT,

Azrael

Edited October 9, 2016 by Azrael

[Esoteric]

Thank you for a really interesting and well written report. Looking forward on hearing more about your future experiences.

[aurum]

This is awesome. Keep up the reports man. I am terrified / so excited to try this stuff.

One question I would ask: do you feel it was worth it to start at the lighter dose? Or is it better to just jump in at something higher?

[Azrael]

Just now, aurum said:

One question I would ask: do you feel it was worth it to start at the lighter dose? Or is it better to just jump in at something higher?

It was very worth it to start at a lower dose. I would even recommend to start with 10mg and then work yourself up increasing with 5mg. You have to see whether you can stand the experience and you do that with the lower dosages. Also, these lower dosages in themselves were very intense and transformational.

[aurum]

4 minutes ago, Azrael said:

It was very worth it to start at a lower dose. I would even recommend to start with 10mg and then work yourself up increasing with 5mg. You have to see whether you can stand the experience and you do that with the lower dosages. Also, these lower dosages in themselves were very intense and transformational.

Got it. Everyone seems to agree that's the way to go. Thanks!

[Huz]

Dude that was very informative and helpful. I think I am gunna do more practice with other psychedelics and do some more consciousness/PD work before I try. 

But upload more because was resourceful!

[Huz]

just out of curiosity, judging from your comments it could be seen that Meo could be a magic pill that works. Do you think it has the possibility to be a magic pill to enlightenment? Actually you pretty much said it was in your report.

[Azrael]

8 minutes ago, Huz said:

Do you think it has the possibility to be a magic pill to enlightenment? Actually you pretty much said it was in your report.

That's basically the question that draws me to these experiences. I have the intuition and faith that it can. But it needs to be further investigated and then time will show. However, I also have to keep in mind that right now I'm still pretty hyped up and flushed about the experience. This will probably wear out in a couple of days. What would be interesting is whether the awareness stays that I got right now and if it gets proportionally more with these kind of experiences and how it influences the whole spiritual journey. I think it could be the most direct and quick path to enlightenment if used in the right way (with meditation/self-inquiry and integration). But we'll see.

However, and I talked with Leo about this, I also think that this method is so direct in its approach that most seekers are not willing and/or able to stand it more than once if at all. It brings you to your complete end. And thats horrifying and liberating at the same time.

[Neo]

Quote

That's basically the question that draws me to these experiences. I have the intuition and faith that it can.

So after watching Leo's first videos on drugs, I sought advice from a group of friends who do meditation and some of which also do the drugs and the answer came back a definite "no" these experiences as interesting and seeming real as they may appear are not authentic, and they don't help the spiritual journey. One wonders whether they really are the ego's last ditch attempt at fooling the one taking these chemicals, what Leo warned us about all along.

[Azrael]

1 minute ago, Neo said:

One wonders whether they really are the ego's last ditch attempt at fooling the one taking these chemicals, what Leo warned us about all along.

Yes of course, could be a possibility. We'll see what time brings us. I think it largely depends on how you use these substances. Do you want to have a fun experience and build up your existing spiritual beliefs or do you want to shaken even deeper structures loose and let them go. As with everything, you can use it to your benefit or to your destruction. 5-MeO-DMT is in no way a little fun experience. It needs a lot of will power to make that jump.

[art]

Thank you for your beautiful and shocking report!

3 hours ago, Azrael said:

In this moment of complete shock, terror and then dissolving into the absolute you are shown your own birth and death. You actually see how you die every few moments and then are born again a moment later.

I have always wondered, how long do a life last in this context ? If not life and death happens simontaniusly: A breath? An half-breath? What determines these few moments?

[ChimpBrain]

1 hour ago, Neo said:

So after watching Leo's first videos on drugs, I sought advice from a group of friends who do meditation and some of which also do the drugs and the answer came back a definite "no" these experiences as interesting and seeming real as they may appear are not authentic, and they don't help the spiritual journey. One wonders whether they really are the ego's last ditch attempt at fooling the one taking these chemicals, what Leo warned us about all along.

You can find just as many people who claim exactly the opposite. Do your own thinking. Examine all perspectives and make up your own mind. Better yet, examine the experiences themselves and decide for yourself

 

Thanks for the post OP! You have reignited my motivation to try this. Learning to use the darknet markets is just such a fuckin beating. I spent about a month researching it when I wanted to try n,nDMT and still never felt confident enough to pull the trigger . Super overwhelming for someone who's not tech savvy. Please post more about your future experiences and thanks again ! 

[Neo]

Quote

You can find just as many people who claim exactly the opposite.

No, I don't think so. I mean how many people do I need to ask other than people I trust and respect, do you want me to dig up some street sellers and crack whores to ask?

Quote

Better yet, examine the experiences themselves and decide for yourself

Intent is everything in the process of enlightenment. Yeah ok, I'll just start snorting illegal powerful drugs up my nose and rolling round on the floor vomiting, never mind. That will surely tell me if I'm reaching enlightenment or not by trial and error. That's basically what you are saying.

[ChimpBrain]

26 minutes ago, Neo said:

No, I don't think so. I mean how many people do I need to ask other than people I trust and respect, do you want me to dig up some street sellers and crack whores to ask?

Intent is everything in the process of enlightenment. Yeah ok, I'll just start snorting illegal powerful drugs up my nose and rolling round on the floor vomiting, never mind. That will surely tell me if I'm reaching enlightenment or not by trial and error. That's basically what you are saying.

Cool. 

[jse]

No way...

There is no way in hell, that I could ever summon the necessary courage and heroism to go through this frightening and life-changing experience without an experienced sitter.

5 hours ago, Azrael said:

If you like this whole experiment, like the posts and comment, ask questions and so on, so that I see that you guys are interested. If not, I'll document this just privately for me or later purposes.

Very much interested - please follow up!  You are one brave psychonaut, and any posts/videos based on your most personal of experiences are very, very welcome indeed.

*Thank you*

[Esoteric]

@Neo When I see your posts on this subject and your continuous outrage, it makes me think of a Leary quote: “LSD is a psychedelic drug which occasionally causes psychotic behavior in people who have NOT taken it.”

You really don't know unless you have taken a psychedelic drug. People can use these substances responsibly and with respect, or people can use them poorly with destructive outcomes. To make a statement that it's not an authentic experience because "a group of friends who do meditation" says otherwise doesn't mean anything. Obviously it can help people in their journey. You seem to take it really personally that people are willing to use these tools for growth.

[Azrael]

8 hours ago, art said:

I have always wondered, how long do a life last in this context ? If not life and death happens simontaniusly: A breath? An half-breath? What determines these few moments?

That's actually a very interesting question, dude. I should investigate this more but basically as you can also find out by just sitting and wondering about "What's coming up next?" you see that every few seconds your attention is grabbed by something else. Even if you feel like you're in a stream, it's more like various attention spans being played very rapidly and continuously after each other, if you look closely. It's fascinating. 

[Neo]

@Esoteric I don't really care what you think. I'll call it a day on this forum and leave Leo's u-tube channel. The drug fans who were waiting in the wings on this forum are coming to the fore and the whole feel of the place is tainted. This isn't what I am looking for at all.

[Flicker_boy]

@Neo you hipocrite! spit back that red pill!

[electroBeam]

@Neo cya later

maybe after years of purification, you will eventually stumble upon that dogmatic, prejudice belief holding you back from using this natural miraculous medicine. Or maybe not, maybe you will be stuck in the stone age forever.

Whether its stone age, or eventually coming to your senses, I wish you well.