Self control. Do it.

[Preety_India]

I've learned over the past few days that I'm bad at self control. 

And what happens is a chain reaction. 

I get triggered and then it leads to further problems. 

One thing leads to another. 

I need to start controlling myself. 

Control the trigger and irritation I feel. It's an allergic response of course. 

I need to write copious amounts on how not to be bothered. 

 

[Preety_India]

Ive to list down my triggers

• Emotional triggers 
• Too much work 
• Stressful work 
• Mean language is a huge trigger 
• Offensive words like bitch 
• Someone being rude 
• People discriminating on the basis of race or country 
• Misogyny 
• Disrespect to women in general
• Bad stuff spoken about cats
• Abuse jokes 
• Narcissistic attitude 
• Superficial plastic bullshit
• New agey hollow flowery positivity crap

 

 

Edited February 16, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Another thing that triggers me is social games. 

I need a collective word for this. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm thinking of sgees 

This whole predator prey dynamic. 

 

[Preety_India]

One of the problems that I detected in my personality is being or feeling antagonized heavily. 

This also has an environmental trigger. 

Whenever my mom shows up at my place. 

My mood is far better and jovial when my pathetic judgmental mother is not around. She can act too greedy and judge every little thing I do. 

I observe that I'm constantly triggered around her. 

Growing up, she was this pathetic narcissist parent that I began to hate and resent. 

I find that a ton of my emotional triggers remind me of her harsh judgement. It reignites built up trauma. It's like a switch. When it's pushed, I go off... 

What I see here is intense emotional aggravation and irritation 

At what point does irritation turn into depression?

Growing up, my mother was my constant bully. 

She never appreciated even a single thing. Everything that I did was wrong, everything that I did was bad. 

This constant emotional irritation was a repeating or recurrent theme in my life

It was this chain 

Emotional irritation -->  building emotional stress -->not feeling free/not feeling like I can be myself    --> feeling restricted  --> sense of fear and stress --> buildup of tension --> mental breakdown -->feeling depressed --> feeling helpless --> PTSD triggered  --> outbursts, suicidal, crying, self harm, anger, violence, rage, throwing things, feeling sad and upset after anger outbursts -->everything begins to hurt -->more minor emotional triggers --> buildup of triggers --> reignition of trauma /emotional abuse/PTSD --> vicious cycle repeats.