Whatever pops up

[At awe]

Never had a journal before. Should be fun . 

Reality keeps things interesting. After hundreds of hours of different great thinkers, contemplating and other useful stuff I find myself in a new situation. New meaning I can’t trust my thoughts anymore. Realized not long time ago that I’m not my thoughts. While it’s not news for many , it’s hard for me because they were my favorite place to be. They seemed to be the perfect tool to slice and dice the reality. Just more Watts, more Krishnamurti, philosophy, Spira, Leo ... In a way very useful, in a way distraction. 

Traditional walk in the forest today, with snow and sun. Letting the thoughts run free, noticed that they were going in circles around one post in the forum. Subject, female vs male sexuality. I’m realizing, he’s trying to draw a map of female sexuality, to understand, to predict etc. what to expect, how to act etc when the interaction with the opposite sex happens. At least it seemed so. That observation led to my own map drawing process. General map of reality, my great masterpiece, the collection of theories, assumptions, observations , seemingly irrefutable facts. And I’m standing in knee-deep snow , it hits me. Why did I ever assume that the human mind is capable to explain reality? To put it in words...Does it have to have a reason? Just questions..
I’m like a  person who’s been sitting behind a table, wearing plus 4 glasses, drawing an object that is running around in the room. I’m so concentrated that I don’t know that something has moved the paper constantly. Was it my left hand? It’s just useless lines on paper. Did I put those glasses on? Am I losing it? Losing what? It should be known if we are talking about losing. Wtf? Laughing blended with crying... Huge relief, I look at the trees, the sky and I’m not totally sure if I really know what I’m looking at... I’m Ok with not knowing, Why did I put this pressure on myself? This constant explaining..
 Am I really looking ? Is me looking a thought or activity? More thoughts, too many thoughts. Does this constant storytelling mean  that all the mind is, is thoughts and models? So every time I think, I’m in “mind-mode”.. The trees seem to be there even if they are not named... Beautiful sight. 

[At awe]

Embracing the change. How freeing. It must be the survival instinct in us, that predicts, demands knowing, tries to control...

Not knowing seems  more and more comfortable. It’s time to let go, release. More yoga, more stretching, less thinking, less models. Emptying phase. How long has this cup been full? 

I’ve become more aware that  sometimes there’s hurrying. What’s the hurry? Where? If it’s infinite, where is the hurry? Let’s enjoy the ride.. Must remind myself to eat slowly. Also there’s no need to drive so fast. 

Starting to get why music, dancing, any art if done in flow is more being than doing.. Didn’t see that coming. Crazy how much you can miss by judging/deciding something early in your life. More open-mindedness. What am I leaving out now? Could be a cool list. 

 

 

[flume]

Yes!! Why didn't I see this earlier!?  Totally here for it. 

[At awe]

@flume Yeah, to be honest, I don’t know where this train is going?

[At awe]

Some observations... 

I realized that there are less and less difficult people in my life. Transformation has lasted for years but lately there are pretty much none. 

I’m trying to understand what these very clear brief moments mean when I seem to exit the automatic mode and become very present, very aware. I need to teach myself to extend them. Seems to be easiest in nature, in the shower. Is it being aware of awareness?

A hand is an interesting thing to look at.

Im feeling connected with some people I don’t really know. Two in this forum, one at work(with him no language to communicate with, but still).

During last weeks members of the forum ask my questions. Before I can formulate them.

My life is almost too good. I used to get euphoric on a motorcycle, now a home , a bed , a meal can make me cry, it’s just so awesome. At the same time I’m aware that if those things are taken away from me I would snap out of this. Let’s not kid ourselves.

That guy who sat himself in fire and just sat there. No ego, no survival mode. How does it feel?