Sense of Lack

[Beginner Mind]

35 year old male here.  I've been a hermit for quite a while and haven't gotten laid in six years.  It's been ten years since my last serious relationship.  Everything has been going well for me from a spiritual perspective: From discovering my true nature as awareness, going deeply into the present moment, to surrendering to what is.  But at the same time, there is often a sense of lack, of loneliness, which I suspect can only be healed by meeting a good girl.  Am I delusional to think that a woman is the missing piece of the puzzle?  Should I just embrace being alone?

Edited February 13, 2021 by Beginner Mind

[RendHeaven]

I think we both know that you're delusional (but also not!?) 

I'm still 21 but I've been in a committed relationship with my dream girl already - and the fact of the matter is, once she left me I was back to ground 0 with the same sense of emptiness inside as before and even during the relationship.

Girls cannot fulfil you.

Period.

That being said, I also understand that lack of experience can suffocate your mental health. There is definitely something freeing about experiencing what you've been "missing out on."

I think the healthiest way to forge forward into the future is to take risks and put yourself out there with the goal of having new experiences (with women), but ultimately keep in the back of your mind that none of this leads to true fulfilment.

Strength from within.

[Beginner Mind]

8 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

I think we both know that you're delusional (but also not!?) 

I'm still 21 but I've been in a committed relationship with my dream girl already - and the fact of the matter is, once she left me I was back to ground 0 with the same sense of emptiness inside as before and even during the relationship.

Girls cannot fulfil you.

Period.

That being said, I also understand that lack of experience can suffocate your mental health. There is definitely something freeing about experiencing what you've been "missing out on."

I think the healthiest way to forge forward into the future is to take risks and put yourself out there with the goal of having new experiences (with women), but ultimately keep in the back of your mind that none of this leads to true fulfilment.

Strength from within.

Wise words for a 21 year old. 

It's interesting to me that all spiritual teachers, the people we admire for being truly fulfilled and self-sufficient, even they develop romantic relationships.  Even Eckhart Tolle, probably the most non-needy self-sufficient human on the planet, has a partner.  So, while these teachers will say things like, "A partner will never fulfill you", the next moment you will see them holding the hand of their beloved partner...  Seems somewhat hypocritical to me.

Ah well... I think I just need to embrace being alone.  Accept what is.

[flowboy]

@Beginner Mind

So, while these teachers will say things like, "A partner will never fulfill you", the next moment you will see them holding the hand of their beloved partner...  Seems somewhat hypocritical to me.

You mistakenly assume that the only reason to do something is out of need. Need for fulfillment in this case.

If that were true, enlightened people would stop engaging with the world and calmly await death as a hermit.

But that's not what they do, is it?

The more enlightened you are, the better a vessel you are for God. And God wants not to do nothing! It fractioned itself into you and other people because it wants to experience! There are lots of forces that flow freely in an enlightened being, like the desire for creative expression, sharing, interacting, playing, loving!

When you are done needing, life becomes the ultimate joyful playground.

Why NOT have a partner?

[Beginner Mind]

2 minutes ago, flowboy said:

@Beginner Mind

So, while these teachers will say things like, "A partner will never fulfill you", the next moment you will see them holding the hand of their beloved partner...  Seems somewhat hypocritical to me.

You mistakenly assume that the only reason to do something is out of need. Need for fulfillment in this case.

If that were true, enlightened people would stop engaging with the world and calmly await death as a hermit.

But that's not what they do, is it?

The more enlightened you are, the better a vessel you are for God. And God wants not to do nothing! It fractioned itself into you and other people because it wants to experience! There are lots of forces that flow freely in an enlightened being, like the desire for creative expression, sharing, interacting, playing, loving!

When you are done needing, life becomes the ultimate joyful playground.

Why NOT have a partner?

I'd be genuinely curious to know who in this world is entering into a relationship as "an expression of love" or whatever, and not as a means of attaining fulfillment.

[flowboy]

Open your eyes, man

 

As long as you are in the seeking-fulfillment modus though, it's natural to project that same motivation onto others. So to you, they are invisible.

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by flowboy

[Beginner Mind]

@flowboy Perhaps.

[flowboy]

@Beginner Mind Do you only do things out of need?

So when you transcend all needs, what then?

[Beginner Mind]

@flowboy I would just say that a relationship is the ultimate pleasure.  Not a source of fulfillment, but of pleasure.  Seems pretty enjoyable.

[Parththakkar12]

@Beginner Mind I would tell you to assume that a woman is the missing piece of the puzzle and go about creating your relationship. I'm going to tell you why.

If you're starving for food and someone comes to you and tells you 'Materialism will not make you happy', will that make your hunger go away? No. If they tell you that 'You are not your body. Wake up to the illusion that you are and wake up to your true Absolute nature!! You won't feel hunger if you are enlightened, you will be able to leave your body.' you're going to be gone hunting for food before they even finish.

Until you've achieved success, success does make you happy! The illusion, shall we say, that success will make you happy does hold until the point that you get it. Then, you get to see whether it makes you happy or not! If someone comes and tells you that materialism doesn't make you happy, all of that talk is pointless until you've achieved it. You get the picture.

A part of you believes that a woman is the answer. The only way to find that out is to have your relationship! That's the trick with finding out whether it'll make you happy or not - you only know that once you've experienced it.

[Beginner Mind]

23 minutes ago, Parththakkar12 said:

@Beginner Mind I would tell you to assume that a woman is the missing piece of the puzzle and go about creating your relationship. I'm going to tell you why.

If you're starving for food and someone comes to you and tells you 'Materialism will not make you happy', will that make your hunger go away? No. If they tell you that 'You are not your body. Wake up to the illusion that you are and wake up to your true Absolute nature!! You won't feel hunger if you are enlightened, you will be able to leave your body.' you're going to be gone hunting for food before they even finish.

Until you've achieved success, success does make you happy! The illusion, shall we say, that success will make you happy does hold until the point that you get it. Then, you get to see whether it makes you happy or not! If someone comes and tells you that materialism doesn't make you happy, all of that talk is pointless until you've achieved it. You get the picture.

A part of you believes that a woman is the answer. The only way to find that out is to have your relationship! That's the trick with finding out whether it'll make you happy or not - you only know that once you've experienced it.

You may be right: I might have to experience it for myself in order to understand.  Problem is, there don't seem to be many opportunities to date these days.

Edited February 13, 2021 by Beginner Mind

[Beginner Mind]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Mods, please lock this up.