Opening Up

[RendHeaven]

I've been saying "hi" and making small talk with as many strangers as I can recently. This has been a very positive experience overall but it saddens me that there is no substance of connection underneath any of these interactions.

How do I reliably take a stranger and cultivate an atmosphere where we can open up to each other? In the past this has happened organically without my trying. But now that I'm trying, I can't replicate it.

P.S. I'm asking in a general context, not just dating... although this applies to dating as well.

Edited February 13, 2021 by RendHeaven

[SamC]

By being interested in other people, asking lots of quedtions and trying to make them feel seen and appreciated.

[Forestluv]

Unfortunately, a much of society is guard against the unknown. The vast amount of people that approach me with small talk turn out to want something from me - like giving them money or buying something. It’s rare that a stranger approaches me with a genuine interest for some small talk and that’s it. Women have even more reason to guard as many men that approach have sexual intentions. As well, many people are living lives of quiet desperation and are immersed into their own world of worries.

You mentioned that you are interested in a general context, not just dating. Do you try to initiate general small talk with men as well, or mostly women?

If dating isn’t an intention, easy places to start small talk is with cashiers at cafes, markets, stores etc. They are often friendly and it’s part of their job. Also, with other people waiting in line. One good starter is if they are associated with something I’m familiar with - like wearing a shirt of a college I went to or a concert I went to or am interested in. For sample, if I saw someone wearing a burning man T-shirt, I would genuinely be curious what there experience was like since I’ve always wanted to experience it. The vibe would be genuine curiosity and excitement of meeting someone who has been there - not a vibe of me having an agenda. 

 

[RendHeaven]

17 minutes ago, Forestluv said:

Do you try to initiate general small talk with men as well, or mostly women?

Everyone.

I'm actually still a college student. I'm asking this because I'm trying to extinguish social anxiety once and for all.

Currently I have a self-made rule of: "say hi to literally everybody I see in public."

This is made possible by the small student body size of my campus + the fact that not many people are out and about anyways due to 'rona.

Still, it's incredible how hard this baseline "rule" is to maintain. I have about a 75% success rate with just saying hi (that is to say, 1/4 of the time I freeze up and say nothing).

Sometimes, people shuffle by me looking busy and I can't muster the strength to project my voice at them because I'm afraid of "bothering" them.

Anyhoo, the small talk only happens if I get a receptive greeting back. Some people bluntly say hi or grunt, to which I just smile (under my mask lol) and move on. If I feel that their energy is higher or more open, I'll follow up by asking their name, what they're up to, or making a stupid comment about my day, etc.

I generally consider myself super charismatic once I've gathered momentum. The hardest part for me is step #1 of putting my foot through the door.

The second hardest part after that is logistically following up (which is what I'm asking about here).

Sometimes I'll exchange amazing energy with someone, get their name, crack some jokes, and end with a positive "cya around" only for no meaningful connection to have happened at the end of the day.

It's like I know 1% of everybody, but I'd rather like to get to know 90%+ of a handful of people instead. Do I just stay patient and wait for it to happen organically, or is there some leadership aspect that I'm missing?

I am also afraid of hyper-focusing on one person and really pursuing them with intentions to get to know them. That again feels like I'm being a "bother."

All my life I've had people come to me and I think I'm trying to uphold that vibe but it's simply inconsistent. Is it up to me to pursue even further? Any way to frame this such that I'm not a "bother?"

[RendHeaven]

50 minutes ago, SamC said:

By being interested in other people, asking lots of quedtions and trying to make them feel seen and appreciated.

@SamC That's so funny that you of all people would say this because I've been silently lurking in your threads and strongly relating to the questions that you've been asking this forum, lol.

Been thinking of reaching out, but had a million excuses not to. Guess it's time to stfu and say hi lol

Edited February 13, 2021 by RendHeaven

[Loving Radiance]

@RendHeaven You are doing good. Saying hi is already a success. All else following is the cream on top.

[aurum]

@RendHeaven

It's good that you're doing this. Society is basically set up in a way that disincentivizes strangers from meeting. So you're breaking some of that conditioning.

I think your problem is that you just need to focus it more.

It's good that you're stopping me on the street to say hi, but why are you doing that? Are you just being friendly? Are we going to party together? Are we going to date? Are we going to start a business? Do we have similar interests we enjoy talking about?

What is the purpose of this communication?

Obviously you may not know in the beginning. You may have to talk to that person first to find out. But know why you're doing what you're doing and what you're looking for.

Human relationships depend on us meeting each others needs. If there's no needs being met, you don't have a relationship. You just have a couple sitting around wondering why they're talking to each other.

So be more intentional in what you're doing. Obviously just saying "hi" can be a big deal if you're extremely nervous, but you want to get beyond that.

[RendHeaven]

10 minutes ago, aurum said:

@RendHeaven

It's good that you're doing this. Society is basically set up in a way that disincentivizes strangers from meeting. So you're breaking some of that conditioning.

I think your problem is that you just need to focus it more.

It's good that you're stopping me on the street to say hi, but why are you doing that? Are you just being friendly? Are we going to party together? Are we going to date? Are we going to start a business? Do we have similar interests we enjoy talking about?

What is the purpose of this communication?

Obviously you may not know in the beginning. You may have to talk to that person first to find out. But know why you're doing what you're doing and what you're looking for.

Human relationships depend on us meeting each others needs. If there's no needs being met, you don't have a relationship. You just have a couple sitting around wondering why they're talking to each other.

So be more intentional in what you're doing. Obviously just saying "hi" can be a big deal if you're extremely nervous, but you want to get beyond that.

This is great, thank you.

Does intention always have to be explicit?

I just pictured stating "hey let's get to know each other" or "hey I'm just being friendly" out loud and sort of gagged at the utter boldness.

I feel like there's a fine line here between coming off weird and coming off like a champion.

And if not explicit, how would you possibly show intention implicitly (in a non-dating context?)

Thoughts?

Edited February 13, 2021 by RendHeaven

[SamC]

45 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

@SamC That's so funny that you of all people would say this because I've been silently lurking in your threads and strongly relating to the questions that you've been asking this forum, lol.

Been thinking of reaching out, but had a million excuses not to. Guess it's time to stfu and say hi lol

I appreciate that you did. @RendHeaven

[aurum]

9 minutes ago, RendHeaven said:

This is great, thank you.

Does intention always have to be explicit?

I just pictured stating "hey let's get to know each other" or "hey I'm practicing my social skills" out loud and sort of gagged at the utter boldness.

I feel like there's a fine line here between coming off weird and coming off like a champion.

And if not explicit, how would you possibly show intention implicitly (in a non-dating context?)

Thoughts?

You're welcome.

No intentions definitely do not have to be explicit. Especially when it comes to dating, usually there's more subtlety.

But it's not a hard and fast rule. You could say "hey I'm practicing my social skills", and as long as you own it and demonstrate that you know how weird of a thing that is to say, you might be able to pull it off.

If you meet someone and you want them to be a business partner, as some point you're probably going to have to say "hey, we should go partner on X business project".

So take it case by case.

Also, you need to be getting the contact info and setting up some sort of future event with every person you meet who you like.

If you have a good conversation, don't just end it. We're vibing, why are you going to kill it now? Set something up, and do it right then and there. Get their Instagram, get their snapchat, phone number or whatever so you can coordinate.

So maybe you happen to meet someone who is also into non-duality and you hit it off. "Cool, hey I know this meditation event that's coming up. Do you wanna go? Oh you do? Cool, let me get your instagram and I'll send you the link". Boom.

That's why you want to know what you're looking for. If you didn't know there was a meditation event coming up and that you wanted to go with people, then you couldn't pull off that example.

[RendHeaven]

26 minutes ago, aurum said:

Also, you need to be getting the contact info and setting up some sort of future event with every person you meet who you like.

If you have a good conversation, don't just end it. We're vibing, why are you going to kill it now? Set something up, and do it right then and there. Get their Instagram, get their snapchat, phone number or whatever so you can coordinate.

So maybe you happen to meet someone who is also into non-duality and you hit it off. "Cool, hey I know this meditation event that's coming up. Do you wanna go? Oh you do? Cool, let me get your instagram and I'll send you the link". Boom.

That's why you want to know what you're looking for. If you didn't know there was a meditation event coming up and that you wanted to go with people, then you couldn't pull off that example.

Thanks again. Yeah, I've been ejecting way too fast for sure.

Sometimes we're actually really vibing and I just cut it off and leave because for some reason I can't get over the projection that I'm preventing people from going about their day. Maybe me talking to them is the best thing to happen to them? I simply can't know so I shouldn't assume the worse.

What would you say is the best social media to have? Currently I've got nothing (used to but deleted everything as a personal "cleanse"). I can still do phone numbers but that feels like a heavy investment to ask of someone... fumbling with numbers lol...

Edited February 13, 2021 by RendHeaven

[RendHeaven]

Hmm although maybe not having social media could be an interesting topic to bring up? And if I'm the one putting my number into their phone, they don't have to deal with fumbling over numbers. This will take a lot of tact and rapport though, I can tell.

[aurum]

3 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

Maybe me talking to them is the best thing to happen to them? I simply can't know so I shouldn't assume the worse.

Yeah you got the right idea. 

I find it’s even simpler than that. When it’s discovered that two people can meet each others needs, a meetup just becomes the next obvious step in that process.

3 hours ago, RendHeaven said:

What would you say is the best social media to have? Currently I've got nothing (used to but deleted everything as a personal "cleanse"). I can still do phone numbers but that feels like a heavy investment to ask of someone... fumbling with numbers lol...

Yeah I have a love/hate relationship with social media as well. In some ways it’s great. In other ways it makes me want to throw my phone in a river and never look at it again.

But regardless it’s here and it’s the dominant social force in our culture. So until I get a better plan I’m choosing to use it.

For the purpose of meeting people through cold approach, the best app is easily Instagram. Everyone has one and everyone assumes you have one as well. And it lets people check you out quickly and get an idea of what you’re about.

Tiktok or snapchat as well are up there depending on the age of people you’re talking to.

As far as phone numbers, you can still use them. But I actually prefer IG these days. Less investment but also can give people a much larger window into who you are.

[RendHeaven]

1 hour ago, aurum said:

But I actually prefer IG these days. Less investment but also can give people a much larger window into who you are.

Got it, thanks

[flowboy]

@RendHeaven

1. Awesome initiative
2. Awesome question

I commend you, sir.

 

Here's what you're missing: lead by making the first move in vulnerability. Share what you are feeling and what is going on for you. If you feel resistance, you are on the right track.

People tend to mirror honesty and openness, and leading by first exposing yourself will create trust.

[Preety_India]

Have a massive online presence.  Probably a blog or a video where you talk about topics in depth. 

This is just my kinky idea. 

You speak about things at length. It gives a window of opportunity for people to look into your mindset in a snapshot and creates a fertile ground for further deep conversations. 

When strangers meet you and want to know more about you, you could tell them about your blog and video, they would definitely be more interested in taking you more seriously and not just small chat. 

Recently 2 guys approached me for a small chat. I rejected their requests. Because I like deep conversations and not small talk. 

When you make your intentions more explicit, people who don't vibe with you, get easily filtered out 

Be honest, authentic, straightforward, upbeat, clear and be open.. 

[Loving Radiance]

@flowboy @Preety_India