How to form genuine friendships? Is it even possible?

[sleep]

I have multiple friendships, some of which have lasted for multiple years but I'm not sure they're genuine. I get the impression that all the people I'm friends with are just in a mutual "just for entertainment and to pass the time" relationship, not what I would call a true friendship. Ever since I was a kid I would always feel alien to other people, like there was a barrier between me and them and I could never quite cross it. I'm not sure why it is like this and I would like it to change but I'm not even sure how to approach this problem, or if it's even possible for someone like me. So I guess what I'm asking you is, how do I form a genuine friendship? I want true friends, not just shallow relationships with people. 

Also not sure if this is the right place to post this as it seems to have a focus on romantic relationships, so sorry if I'm mistaken. 

[BornToBoil]

Hi

I have made a thread about finding a best friend some time ago. Maybe answers people gave me there will help you as well:

 

[Preety_India]

The world goes as it goes. 

You can't expect a lot of change. 

The latest trend is "fake friends" 

The days of genuine people and genuine friends are gone. 

But you can still find some diamonds among pebbles. 

 

[sleep]

14 minutes ago, BornToBoil said:

Hi

I have made a thread about finding a best friend some time ago. Maybe answers people gave me there will help you as well:

 

Thanks for linking your thread, I'll take a look a the replies. Kinda makes me feel better I'm not the only one struggling with this. 

[Gesundheit]

I like the stoic perspective on friendships:

https://dailystoic.com/6-stoic-tips-to-being-a-great-friend/

[Rolo]

Most of my friendships involve alcohol or some kind of petty behaviour to dull our minds, but there are friends that I have who practice genuine spirituality, those friends come in many shapes and forms and generally don't have any specific quality that binds us together.

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by Rolo

[Nahm]

6 hours ago, sleep said:

for someone like me

Uncover that belief. It’s conditioning, it’s what’s buggin ya & it’s what the path is. Letting that go. 

[bejapuskas]

Maybe "someone like me" suggests fear of opening up, vulnerability etc...? Is that it?

[sleep]

4 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Maybe "someone like me" suggests fear of opening up, vulnerability etc...? Is that it?

Yeah that's a problem of mine I've noticed some time back but also I believe I've somewhat solved it in the past couple of years. I'm a lot more open now that what I used to be.

[sleep]

@Gesundheit yeah the stoics are pretty cool, I was reading some stuff by epictetus but kinda stopped to read other stuff. I took a look at the site and think I noticed a couple of my faults in friendship, thanks.

[sleep]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

Uncover that belief. It’s conditioning, it’s what’s buggin ya & it’s what the path is. Letting that go. 

@Nahm can you elaborate? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

[bejapuskas]

@sleep  Maybe you haven't quite resolved this, what is it about you that is unworthy of friends? Is there anything at all?

[flowboy]

@sleep I've met some recent true friends:

• Doing workshops in activities I was interested in, but also scared of
• In a therapy retreat while dealing with childhood conditioning

You never know where they come from, but they present themselves when you are brave and express your true interests in action.

Are you surpressing your authentic interests as a habit, to get along with your current, shallow friends?

[SamC]

@sleep By talking to people and making them frel appreciated, heard and seen. There are so many awesome genuine people out there..

You just have to find them.

The thing with deep friendships however is that you have to be vulnerability and dare to open up about your struggles, feelings and emotions. If you do that with the right people, a deep friendship will start to take place.

[Origins]

@sleep for genuine relationships you need genuine correlates to genuineness:

1. Honesty-humility

2. Authenticity

3. Value overlap (do you know yours fully and have you discovered them well with your friends, I suspect not, which means that authenticity is likely lower than average in parts)

4. Boundary differentiation (you’re clearly struggling here on the psycho-emotional space, by not knowing if it’s genuine that also compromises your future perception of trust and variability there across various situations)

And that’s where up it comes to a close, genuineness really centre’s around the idea of trust and what encircles versus what departs from facilitating this ideal which is unique to the dynamic.

This is your kicker. Trust and everything that builds it versus everything that breaks it, again, unique to the psychological profile of you and anyone else involved.

 

 

[Megan Alecia]

"your need for acceptance will make you invisible in this world" ~ jim carrey

Honestly thats the only thing you need. 

Better to be yourself with a few honest and loyal friends, than with a crowd who loathes you behind your back. 

As for deep friendships find someone who likes similar things as you do, meaning interesting stuff like hobbies, rock climbing, or psychedelics, food, stuff like these. 

Edited February 15, 2021 by Megan Alecia

[Axiomatic]

making friends has always been easy for me. idk why 

[sleep]

On 14/2/2021 at 2:02 AM, bejapuskas said:

@sleep  Maybe you haven't quite resolved this, what is it about you that is unworthy of friends? Is there anything at all?

@bejapuskas It's not that I think I'm unworthy of friends, it's that certain aspects of my personality make it hard to get along with people. For example, I'm rather introverted and have difficulty feeling a sense of connection with other people.

[sleep]

On 14/2/2021 at 3:51 AM, flowboy said:

Are you surpressing your authentic interests as a habit, to get along with your current, shallow friends?

@flowboy I would say I'm pretty genuine but it's not as if I'm completely genuiene either.

13 hours ago, Megan Alecia said:

Better to be yourself with a few honest and loyal friends, than with a crowd who loathes you behind your back. 

@Megan Alecia Yeah that's kind of what I'm after, never been very interested in having a lof of friends or being popular.

 

Also for everyone who has replied with advice thank you a lot. Some of it has been spot on.

[bejapuskas]

@sleep Do you think your personality is an unchangeable given?