Universal Selfhood: Journal on Pain - Dislocated Shoulder Example

[Origins]

Okay so just recently dislocated my shoulder causing me to throw out my schedule a lot.

I need to write about my experiences though.

Intimately.

So I can encode all the nuances in memory and figure out how I'll use it to drive me forward post recovery.

There's this saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but my response to that is only if we integrate the experiences. And only if we recall that integration.

Okay that's it for the first entry.

I'll talk about what I mean by Universal Selfhood at a later time, it's been incubating in my subconscious for a while now only recently really coming to the surface of fully articulated conscious experience.

Edited February 13, 2021 by Origins

[MuadDib]

2 hours ago, Origins said:

Okay so just recently dislocated my shoulder causing me to throw out my schedule a lot.

There's this saying, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" 

 

4 months into my own recovery. Opted for surgery. Will be interested to read this journal.

Hope you don't mind the comment. Get well soon mate.

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Origins said:

Okay so just recently dislocated my shoulder causing me to throw out my schedule a lot.

I need to write about my experiences though.

Intimately.

Please do write 

I'm sorry to hear about that. And I hope that you recover soon. I love reading your stuff 

You're one of the reasons I decided to stay on the forum. 

God bless. 

 

[Origins]

@MuadDib Comment as much as you want just as long as it's genuine ?. There's many people on this forum that waste their time here I'm obviously not one of them.

Please inform me more about your story I'd be interested to know. Thank you.

@Preety_India thank for your support it's always welcome ?. And likewise Preety! You've been writing some interesting content lately I've been learning from it well!

 

Edited February 13, 2021 by Origins

[MuadDib]

Mine completely fucked me, lol. Total anterior dislocation with Bankart lesion (torn labrum) and a pretty bad Hill-Sachs lesion on my humeral head. The Hills-Sachs lesion was particularly bad for me because I had to reset my arm myself. The nearest ER is a 1hr drive and my car is manual, so yeah, that was fun.

Assuming this is your first time(?) so I'll info-dump everything the pros told me.

You can make a full recovery without surgery but if you're young and active, the chances of it happening again are extremely high (<25 = 90% recurrence). Also, with each successive dislocation, the damage to the labrum and humeral head make further dislocations increasingly more likely.

Both my uncle and a friend of mine decided to skip surgery after their first incidents and told me they deeply regretted it as it kept happening again and again. They now dislocate diving into swimming pools and rolling over in bed. I also have a friend in an ortho training program who said he sees the same pattern frequently, especially with young active guys.

If it wasn't for their anecdotes I would've just let it slide and bust out some crazy physio. I was already feeling some functionality coming back after a few days. Here's a video that covers the anatomy of a typical dislocation and the injury dynamics of further dislocations.

Age, activity level, and previous history are the major factors in deciding whether to have a stabilization procedure. I had my surgery in Brisbane and my surgeon was great! He made me a very comprehensive vlog post-op covering everything he did, could send you a link in pm if it would help set your mind at ease. 

I was in a sling for 6 weeks, it was very painful and I was completely immobilized. I figured doing my time now would save the time wasted in the future, plus give me the peace of mind I would like to go out and do everything I want. I've been doing physio the entire time. Basically, my shoulder has been super tight and painful. My physio work revolves around stretching it open to a full ROM again at the moment, in the beginning it was strenghtening exercises and preventing shoulder freeze. I could drive after 2 months, and do light stuff after 3. Was told 6 months until I'm completely free to do whatever I want again and that feels about right.

Working through this playlist brought me to a much deeper level of appreciation of my shoulders and all their little parts.

The dislocation threw a spanner in my works completely, and the pain forced me to become much more aware of my body, posture, and all sorts of cycles that I'd never really felt into and become conscious of before. I also began to feel how pain can infect the mind and send it into downward spirals. I've just finished reading this book. It covers depression from a neuroscientific POV and explained how chronic pain (among other factors) can systematically affect different neural systems into a downward spiral of depression.

It was exciting to read because it matched my first-person POV perfectly. The pain was like a slow process of Chinese water torture shutting everything down and throwing everything out of balance. It's bringing much more clarity into subtler areas of the mind for me, as well as how to direct attention in different ways to work my way up. So yeah, technically a win overall. 
Hope you don't suffer too much!

[Preety_India]

@MuadDib sorry to know about that. Hope everything is working  out ok. 

Pain can be a terrible thing. 

 

[Origins]

@MuadDib I'm okay. Recovering quickly.

Yeah thanks for sharing your story, one of the things it's driven me to do is recall all prior painful accidents I've had just for the contrast bias (I've had much worse). Secondly the other contrast bias I want as a result is to make doing difficult things much more seamless in the absence of that kind of suffering (by generating memories where I'm working with that kind of pain). I can't do anymore damage to it, it's all healing from here no matter how much music training I do so I just push through the pain. It's my own autobiographical creativity I'm working on.

All the best on your side, to the both of you ( @Preety_India).

 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Origins

[MuadDib]

2 hours ago, Origins said:

Yeah thanks for sharing your story, one of the things it's driven me to do is recall all prior painful accidents I've had just for the contrast bias (I've had much worse). Secondly the other contrast bias I want as a result is to make doing difficult things much more seamless in the absence of that kind of suffering

That's really smart. I wish I had done that or had a process to do this effectively. I forget all the shit I've been through pretty easily and don't pay any mind to it, even though it's there unconsciously. I hadn't heard the term "contrast bias" before, but after reading the definition I realized I am actually doing the same thing at the moment.

In January I signed up for a 100mile ultra-marathon taking place in June. I got the inspiration after listening to an interview with Cameron Hanes on the JRE podcast. I have time-stamped the video below to the part where he discusses "contrast bias" development in his kids after he started slowly applying it to them and himself. Pretty amazing guy.

 

 

I figured I can run/walk and train my mind with that while my shoulder recovers. I wanted to start lifting seriously this year, but that vision was shattered so I had to adjust. I bought a second-hand treadmill and have started building a process to work towards finishing the race.

I'm reminded of Shinzen young's old mindfulness formula's where he says that:

Purification = Pain * mindfulness

Suffering = Pain * resistance

This experience has taught me that with relatively low-grade, constant pain (that's with you 24/7) it becomes quite difficult to remain mindful and fully equanimous all the time. Resistance creeps in unconsciously and so the suffering creeps in as well.  I'd say it's more difficult to be mindful 24/7 with low-grade pain than intensely mindful during an intense period of acute pain. So while the amplitude of suffering and amplitude of pain aren't so high, but the 'volume' is, if you know what I mean. Of course, it also offers the opportunity for really high 'volume' purification which I didn't capitalize on because I wasn't really aware of what was slowly happening to me. It was kind of this slow death over 6 weeks that I was all strapped up. I can learn from it and apply it to similar events that might happen in the future.

Thanks for the kind words @Preety_India . You know, after pondering this contrast bias stuff and everything I've personally experienced, I can honestly say that NOTHING compares to a broken heart. 

[Origins]

 @MuadDib

An add on that others also don't know about is to method of loci those experiences into a memory palace, that way you can have all of those experiences 'online' inside working memory without much effort throughout any difficult experience you're going through. This will help you two-fold, processing those painful experiences and two, utilising them as a creative resource to whatever end much more effectively. Here we're so far merely referring to how they can be used to move us in difficult directions but in reality they can be used in many other ways depending on your creative outlets. Once you've built your memory palace of pain, walk through it, take note of how you've metaphorically symbolised various experiences, the meanings that you imbue to them, the lessons that you take away. To me this has been my most reliable method as it concerns healing from past memories outside of pure transmutation via body work, secondly (as well as being a part of that process), its extremely effective when it comes to reconditioning associations (thus replacing/overwriting them). I'll be writing about this more at a later time. If you need any guidance on anything here just let me know, shoot questions, etc.

I don't agree with Shinzen's formulae but I appreciate the sentiment. We symbolise experience like in the way that Shinzen did it so that we can gather insight we didn't previously have, to design meaning and purpose so we can author our experience with some semblance of significance, to experience the value of meaning and the meaning of value in the present so we can transmute the pain of yesterday into a memory tomorrow that makes us feel like we're moving in a positive direction.

In the case of Shinzen, so that we do not fear pain but instead move into it and through that earn strength, so that we do not repress pain but instead be vulnerable to it and through that transmute; transmutation + strength being the highest correlates here to the postulated purification process. So pain is only relevant incidentally, relative to our reactions and ultimately our relationship to it as opposed to being our direct path to purification. So to me, the highest lessons of the most sophisticated physical challenges is not the virtue of pain at all, rather in the continuous facing of reality in order to avoid experiencing unnecessary pain or to push through the necessary pain as effectively as possible. It is a reality test, and its through the reality test, of any kind, intellectual, emotional or physical, that the purification occurs. This is the underlying pattern to take note of, that is that the purification process has to do with the reality test and the reality test spans any domain that follows the cutthroat constraints of reality. Pain is merely a primal motivational narrative and this is self evident in all hero's journey scriptures, but its not causative of the purification process.

I train pretty hard myself, but I've slowly weaned myself off associating my training to how I think of my identity. That's a slippery slope because its a cultural narrative that's relevant now, its something to think about when maintaining and moving towards extending your own individuality, which I think is the better cause there in the context of staying true to purified reality tests that in turn purify the most. If that's important for you at this time in your life though I get it.

Stay strong.

[Preety_India]

@MuadDib pain will always exist in some form or another. But it's the hero's journey that counts. I went through countless moments of emotional pain. But I always emerge out on the other side, where I look away from pain, I do complain a heck about it, but I also look at the side of love to have the inspiration to carry on.. Love heals. Time heals. Life is limited only in body, but not in spirit. There are many more lives that the little soul has to live. Living in Benevolent love helps the soul to process pain and move forward through all the bullshit of life.

 

[MuadDib]

22 minutes ago, Origins said:

In the case of Shinzen, so that we do not fear pain but instead move into it and through that earn strength, so that we do not repress pain but instead be vulnerable to it and through that transmute; transmutation + strength being the highest correlates here to the postulated purification process. So pain is only relevant incidentally, relative to our reactions and ultimately our relationship to it as opposed to being our direct path to purification. So to me, the highest lessons of the most sophisticated physical challenges is not the virtue of pain at all, rather in the continuous facing of reality in order to avoid experiencing unnecessary pain or to push through the necessary pain as effectively as possible. It is a reality test, and its through the reality test, of any kind, intellectual, emotional or physical, that the purification occurs. This is the underlying pattern to take note of, that is that the purification process has to do with the reality test and the reality test spans any domain that follows the cutthroat constraints of reality. Pain is merely a primal motivational narrative and this is self evident in all hero's journey scriptures, but its not causative of the purification process.

This is how I would define 'equanimity', as I use the word, and how I interpret Shinzen using it when describing it as an aspect of mindfulness in his formulas. That's all I'm really interested in developing here. 
Equanimity, once developed, contains within in it the memory of all previous 'reality tests' as you seem to say, although not as a function of working memory, as I understand it. My level of equanimity hadn't developed deeply enough to meet the constant low-level pain. That's what I meant.

 

26 minutes ago, Origins said:

I train pretty hard myself, but I've slowly weaned myself off associating my training to how I think of my identity. That's a slippery slope because its a cultural narrative that's relevant now, its something to think about when maintaining and moving towards extending your own individuality, which I think is the better cause there in the context of staying true to purified reality tests that in turn purify the most. If that's important for you at this time in your life though I get it.

I try not to either, but I guess it's implied because of the cultural narrative as you say. I don't really care about 'success' or 'failure' in conventional terms either.

Appreciate your insight, I wish I could use words like that. 

[Origins]

What comes first, awareness or feeling? Awareness.

What comes first, awareness or thought? Awareness.

What is more paramount: Awareness, thought or feeling? Awareness.

How about the value of feeling vs thought?

Feeling is more paramount. But let me explain why as this is less obvious, this is simply because in the context of equanimity, you're starting with the most to least paramount in that exploration, which just so happens to be the most to least paramount in general, awareness to feeling to thought, with only the latter as a byproduct to necessary action in light of equanimity being reflective of "nowness" reflexivity more than anything else even if there's a wise preoccupation for the future coupled with that. Feeling is more paramount than thought because feeling is meant to be the equanimity itself of course, so make sinking into the body and everything its experiencing (on a feeling level) a core part of your endeavour there and that will be your natural transmutation process of feeling coupled with awareness towards greater equanimity. Thought will not get you there however, just the synergism of awareness and feeling. Make this your practice and the beginning place for how you interact with the mind itself and you'll engender the best intelligence it can bring in that moment.

All of this pays rent to the related tangential notes on extending ourselves through goal achievement, most importantly, our sense of agency. That is to say that the best way to maintain our sense of agency is through that top down process of starting from awareness to feeling to thought every time. Agency is the thought, of course, that is, the concept that we're going to shift the gears of our consciousness with, but we channel it in that downward direction from awareness to feeling and then an action outcome of the thought of agency. Tying this with a sense of equanimity in the way that I've explained it of course serves the creation of a useful positive feedback loop within consciousness between directionality and flow, directionality here being to agency and flow to equanimity. 

Agency here is a concept that I'll talk about later in this journal as it is one of the core principles of Universal Selfhood that like I said at the beginning of this journal has been bubbling up from my subconscious for a while.

 

 

Edited February 14, 2021 by Origins

[MuadDib]

1 hour ago, Origins said:

Thought will not get you there however, just the synergism of awareness and feeling. Make this your practice and the beginning place for how you interact with the mind itself and you'll engender the best intelligence it can bring in that moment.

All of this pays rent to the related tangential notes on extending ourselves through goal achievement, most importantly, our sense of agency. That is to say that the best way to maintain our sense of agency is through that top down process of starting from awareness to feeling to thought every time.

Got it.

[Origins]

@MuadDib Sounds good. You've got this.

[Origins]

WORK THROUGH ALL OF THESE CAREFULLY THROUGH YOUR PERSONAL MEDITATIVE CONTEMPLATIVE PRACTICE

Here are some fears I want to encourage others spend time processing, this will help your healing. Do not ignore this list, the better you get at processing and transmuting the associations that create these fears, the more renewed you will feel towards YOUR life:

1. Imperfection
2. Abandonment
3. Deficiency
4. Betrayal
5. Thinking of themselves as bad
6. Torture
7. Mutilation
8. The inability to escape pain
9. Being powerless or vulnerable
10. Loss of autonomy
11. Not having enough / lack
12. Deprivation of love
13. Rejection
14. Loss of personal identity
15. Humiliation, shame, worthlessness and any other threat to the ego’s sense of identity
16. Invasion
17. Being controlled
18. Dependence 
19. Responsibility/Irresponsibility
20. Inferiority/Superiority
21. Any others that are personal to you --- think as divergently as possible, brainstorm continuously, daily if that's what it takes for a week then integrate beyond all those for months 

Many of these fears arise from black and white thinking, thus processing black and white tendencies themselves will be a doorway into the kind of healing that I'm referring to here needs to be undertaken to stay closer to your highest expression of life. Take this seriously if you relate at all to the fears on this list, perform your integration sessions daily in conjunction with my described method of loci technique above that you can adapt creatively here whereby you separately and or in conjunction create a "fear memory palace" that helps you not only recall your fears but also the manner in which you've so far learned to heal and grow from them thus allowing you to more effectively encourage a positive growth feedback loop here.

Do not try to heal these fears through ego compensation (i.e.addressing this with "identity creation" --- identity creation should be happening from a place of renewal and freshness so that you're creating from a place of groundedness rather than efforts that are provoked by desires to cover up something), this is merely a short term growth strategy. You will always without fail harm yourself more in the long run by running away from fears in this sense. Change your ways today and do it RIGHT NOW, not 5 minutes from now or next week. Now.

 

Edited February 15, 2021 by Origins

[Origins]

Quick footnote just typed:

Life should be an inspiration, anything else is essentially a violation of the heart. A quieting, suppression and repression of the heart. It doesn’t mean not to get your heart on board with a Reality Principle, not at all, it simply means that your heart isn’t following an Inspirational Principle. 

To achieve this action is at least two-fold, firstly you must process your shadows fears, aka those listed in the previous post. They bring the most psychological pain to you. Secondly, you must process your shadows most authentic and highest desires (so not the lowest desires: lowest desires here being what you’ve categorised as such), they bring the most ongoing life satisfaction to you [ again, write out a list ]. They in effect design your response to life’s suffering as it arises, they craft out the purpose as to why you would continue through it. So if you’re not opening yourself up to your highest desires in the way described you will not be opening up to your highest ability to tolerate suffering. Energy transfer, balance and resonance follows simple, so uncomplicated, logistical cause and effect patterns like these making energy work very straightforward if you know the balance of identifying blind spots from obvious ones, those that progress the development of your being versus those that don’t. 

The first question should be,”Why are you doing what you’re doing?”, and the second, “Why are you doing anything at all?”, followed by working through your own personal set of fears like the one listed in the previous comment along with a list of your most authentic and highest desires determine the place your present explorations and doings are coming from. 

How to measure how much you should be implementing here? Ask how your body feels. Are you feeling inspired or stifled, contracted or expanded? This is why being in touch with where your body is energetically is so darn important. Further, ask questions like “How do I want to feel not just now but tomorrow, why and what genuinely brings me closer to that goal in light of the above?”. Here I would differentiate between the overly simplistic desire of “Well I just want to feel great!” to something a little more specific like “I want to feel like I’m passionately making some progress on the purpose I’ve crafted out with the best of intentions”.

From here you will begin to develop increasingly more sophisticated patterns concerning self knowledge and how to go about navigating life from the perspective of the Energetic Will.

Other dichotomies to entertain and write two lists out for:

• Expanded State / Contracted State (I.e. what makes you feel more expanded “move towards” versus what makes you feel more contracted “move away”)
• Likes / Dislikes (self explanatory)
• Empowered / Disempowered (self explanatory but be sure the former isn’t rooted in the avoidance of fear, though I get why it feels like it sometimes has to be at least temporarily)
• Inspired / Uninspired (keeping with the above + the processing of the why and the how like the others)
• Flow / Lack of Flow (keeping with all above inserts)
• Any others you come up with

Edited February 15, 2021 by Origins

[Origins]

As I write out my own list I find it fascinating how most of my “expanded”/analogous states mostly all overlap with seeking some kind of peak experience.

I don’t want to detail all of them but one of them is:

• I love the feeling of feeling fearless

So you can get really nuanced with it obviously, as you should, and when you identify those as precisely as possible, you then invent narratives of experience around those and then act on it with the knowledge that you’ll feel motivated to do so.

 

[Origins]

Contracted (see comment just above for example to workout):

• I hate the feeling that I've wasted time, this feeling of hate is proportional to the level of effort, level of time and where I could have easily have discerned not to expend said time and energy

So again, here you just create narratives where you make sure you're moving away from this state. 

[Origins]

Pain of time management:

This 2 album thing is traveling along well for me even though I have many other things to handle.

For me it's just been about direction of focus.

Look at and maintain your focus on all the opportunities you have to complete your goal as opposed to focusing on all the obstacles in front of you which "are going to lead to your demise". They're just excuses until you really find out the truth. 

[Origins]

==== JUST GONNA FUCKING GET THIS DONE ====

That's your brain lane, everything else is the lane you don't take at the intersection of your own mind.

Edited February 18, 2021 by Origins