Open Relationships, Monogamy, Polygamy | Thoughts

[Twega]

I have always been the type of guy who valued sexual freedom. I never held monogamy as the pinnacle of love. If anything, I think I have a bias towards monogamy. I have such a prejudice against monogamous relationships that I  view monogamy as anti-spiritual structures of human relationships of a bygone era. (Please don't hate me, I know this is a personal subject. I'm just expressing how I feel )

I do get jealous sometimes if a girl I'm dating fucks another guy; of course, I do; I'm only human. But I deal with it by being RADICALLY HONEST with her and tell her how I'm feeling, and afterward, all the jealousy dissipates. I have found Open Relationships to be much more rewarding emotionally. & the love I feel for my partner in an open relationship is more unconditional than in monogamous relationships.

I know this is a topic much discussed, especially in the PUA community. I agree that monogamous relationships are not "natural" and should not be the Modus operandi of relationships. The fact that it is what causes much dysfunction and incompatibility in the dating sphere.

 

Do you have any thoughts, tips, or experiences in open relationships? Am I alone in thinking it is much deeper than monogamous relationships? Do you agree or disagree with me?

[Jodo]

Until you really deeply fall in love... Then you'll probably feel a bit different about the concept of monogamy... I am sure there is not only one "perfect match" and probably you could have that kind of connection with several people on this planet... But, once you connect, there is not much need to add anything...

I don't know what's a "solution" in general. Be honest. Follow your heart, but don't hurt others on the way. Be honest about what you wish, before you seduce them... if you are in an open relationship and it works, why asking for opinion...  No need for validation if it works...

I have no idea if it is "deeper" or not - I have been in a situation when I understood and felt this complete openness, possibility to (romantically) love more people, to be intimate with more people, open relationships, freedom, polyamory, etc. but it turned out that it is more of an temporary illusion... couples form naturally and it just isn't possible. People get hurt. Unintentionally. It is not so easy, it seems... Maybe you belong to a younger generation and it all changed for you. Anyway, If it works for you - great! Don't overthink it, just enjoy it. Live.    

 

[aurum]

@Twega

It's a really nuanced question.

Monogamy can certain be wonderful and beautiful and fulfilling for some people. Monogamy could also be coping and denial for some people. And the same thing could be said for polyamory.

I've never personally done polyamory, but from what I've heard it's extremely difficult to pull off. Not only does it take a tremendous amount of time, it's also extremely emotionally taxing. Imagine all the emotional work of being in a relationship with someone, but now you've got even more people involved. And everyone's trauma is coming up and it's just a complex mess.

I have heard some people say polyamory is easier in the right community / environment. But I have no experience in this area so it's hard for me to say.

[At awe]

It seems that with ”enough “ love , respect acceptance etc pretty much any form is possible. I would definitely try it if I get a chance. 

[Chew211]

@Twega

I've only had experience with "open" relationships. I put it in quotations because I have had it where the girl was only seeing me, but I had made it clear that I won't restrict her freedom, and nor will my freedom be restricted. 

(I've had no issues except with one person who pretended to be okay with it but was trying to secure my commitment-- even after I said she shouldn't be spending time with me if she wants to find someone to marry.)

I don't think that it being open or monogamous necessarily implies depth. I think it depends on the person. 

For me, I think that romantic relationships are fetishized. Once I removed mainstream media influences from my life, I no longer was "romantic." 

I do care about the girls I am seeing, and I do contribute to their growth and vice versa, but for me I don't think that there's anything more than that. Thinking that the other person is somehow special is fetishisization. The romantic paradigm is fetishistic-- as is hook-up culture, which fetishizes sex. 

Monogamy is convenient for marriage because it's valid under current social structures. I personally think if children are involved, monogamy (or at least so far as the kids can see) is preferable. 

[Pernani]

Distinctions and experience matters here a lot. I also have lots of questions regarding polyamory and monogamy, and their potential for love, connection and fulfilling you emotionally. But to answer that I would need a lot of direct experience on both ends. To weigh the pros and cons of monogamy and polyamory one would have to go deep in both of them, and see which type is more conductive for pure healthy love. And then one would have to be careful not to pass the judgement based on their insecurities or their shadow, for example you could say polyamory is unrealistic and doesn't work because you couldn't handle the jealousy so you stuck to monogamy, whereas when you manage to heal the core of that jealousy and any of your other emotional issues that would cloud your judgement, you will see the real potential of polyamory and it may be even more fulfilling than monogamy.

I only have experience with going deep in monogamy, which was pretty great, lots of potential for loving connection. Though trying to turn a deep loving monogamous relationship into an open relationship bubbled up all kinds of emotional turmoil within me. I would like to hear the opinion of someone who's gone deep on both ends.

[Jodo]

On 11/02/2021 at 8:03 PM, Pernani said:

Distinctions and experience matters here a lot. I also have lots of questions regarding polyamory and monogamy, and their potential for love, connection and fulfilling you emotionally. But to answer that I would need a lot of direct experience on both ends. To weigh the pros and cons of monogamy and polyamory one would have to go deep in both of them, and see which type is more conductive for pure healthy love. And then one would have to be careful not to pass the judgement based on their insecurities or their shadow, for example you could say polyamory is unrealistic and doesn't work because you couldn't handle the jealousy so you stuck to monogamy, whereas when you manage to heal the core of that jealousy and any of your other emotional issues that would cloud your judgement, you will see the real potential of polyamory and it may be even more fulfilling than monogamy.

I only have experience with going deep in monogamy, which was pretty great, lots of potential for loving connection. Though trying to turn a deep loving monogamous relationship into an open relationship bubbled up all kinds of emotional turmoil within me. I would like to hear the opinion of someone who's gone deep on both ends.

I only had limited experience with polyamory... I was in a situation when I really felt free and happy with what I became in life and this fulfilment of mine seemed to attract women, too. My libido was sky high and one particular sensual girl opened up what I could only describe as "tantric" sex. No special rituals or anything, just intuitive, out of this world love-making, seeing things, "getting high" from sex, feeling energy flowing, connecting, her having very long (like 10 minutes and more of whole body shaking and twisting) orgasms, I had whole body orgasms, sort of "energetic" ones, etc. We also really felt connected and at ease with each other. A very deep and respectful interaction was going on. 

I tried to make sense of it all and found it all written in books on Daoist, Tantric, Sex Magick and similar sex practices, but there they mentioned practices and exercises to achieve that, while we somehow tapped into it intuitively.

I also had zero need to "possess" her, no jealousy, she also expressed her wish to experiment with another female friend of hers, she was attracted to one of her old friends, who was gay, but she thought they could have sex anyway... and I encouraged her to be free, to experience it all, it takes nothing away from what we had... but - when I look back - I was not really in love with her - not deeply - I loved her as a very good friend, I was attracted to her sexually, but never imagined us becoming a monogamous "couple"... Yet the feeling of the moment was really liberating - like we could experience whatever we want, respect and love each other and everyone involved - it was very fresh and special.

We had a few months of out of this world romance, also some "ritualistic magic" sex ordeals with some cannabis edibles, psilocybe mushrooms and not leaving the house for the whole weekends, only having crazy sex for several hours through the days and night, some resting, sleep and sex again, mutual bathing, food, wine, psychedelic journeys, music... all merging into one incredible sensual journey beyond reason, morality, shame, prejudices, where everything was allowed, everything tried out, us being completely open, transparent in our desires to each other, completely unhinged lust, even transforming into animals in visions - making love like a lion and lioness, making love as Shiva (archetype?), experiencing complete surrender, flow, sexual organs were shape-shifting into different forms and ways of connection - like my penis was "travelling" inside her body energetically, becoming longer, thicker, filling her deep, then becoming leaner and snake-like moving through her, triggering intense sensations of pleasure, bodies merging into one another ... all of that even increased that "tantric" kind of experience. It was not just sex, it was "witchcraft" and I really wish everyone alive can experience that. There's so much more possible in lovemaking than the ordinary sex.

But there came the time when she had to go to Berlin and I had to go to have some workshops and lectures with other people and we were separated for a while. I was still in that special energy - feeling completely free and open, everything allowed, no jealousy, no possessiveness, I even joked with her on email if she managed to have sex with her female crush and how was it... and I genuinely wished that she had and that she experienced that. But she only wrote to me about how she misses me and about the plans where to go on holidays together, which I was looking forward to, also. 

While I was with other people there was one particularly nice friend, and as open as I was, she became attracted to me and I felt desire for her. It felt so innocent, so pure, nothing bad meant for anyone, only passion unhinged. We kissed almost by accident one day, the tension becoming too high and we had a wild "affair" in the hotel, the room was shared with some other attendees of the seminar we were at, so we even sneaked onto a balcony at night to have sex, once also got "caught" by one friend, who just left the balcony and we were so lustful that we continued "fucking", knowing she won't come back... We were shameless, joking with our unhinged desire - we talked in dirty words about our lust, being a cocky bastard, she liked to be a "whore", bitch, wanted me to watch her, doing all kind of "depraved" sexual acts with full intensity,  we "fucked like rabbits"... she was even squirting - which I experienced for the first time. But there was absolutely no negative emotion, no shame, no jealousy... I also felt deep appreciation and affection towards her. Like finding another special person with whom we can connect on deeper levels. It was a real feeling of bliss on Earth. Freshness, freedom, love, sexual energy!

I felt I need to tell my other lover about that, I thought, wow, we have something special going on - everyone is so open, sensual, we can have such a special time on this Earth, enjoying so much together, no one "owning" anyone, all sharing affection and sensuality...  and then - blackout... she was devastated to hear I had sex with another woman, she obviously only pretended to be open and free and wanting to experiment with others, while I really felt this openness and freedom... Then I started thinking if all this was wrong - if I hurt people... was I morally wrong? Selfish? I still felt honest and free, but I witnessed hurting others with my unhinged actions... All of us stopped communicating (they didn't want to hear from me). Then another crush of mine contacted me. A very sexy, but timid girl, who didn't know what she wants - she was very horny, single and not able to make connections to any man for several years, because she was too hurt in the past relationships. We met and (because I seemed to be so open and it somehow translated to others) she overcame her shyness and invited me for a massage (she was doing some training for a massage therapist) I agreed. Of course it turned into another otherworldly love-making session... I discovered that obviously that first girl (or our interaction) opened something in me - some sort of "sexual initiation" and that from now on I had similar experiences with all the lovers who were also surprised and discovered a new way of love-making in our "sessions"...
The trick was, though, that it also triggered some sort of possessiveness, they wanted to keep that only for themselves, despite declaring free spirit and openness before. It only complicated things way too much. Everyone getting hurt, me feeling like a "gigolo" asshole in the end.

We talked about these things, but none of them could feel the same way, even though they contacted me, wanted to establish communication again, but ignoring the other girls, like they don't exist...

I think it is very difficult to have those dynamic relationships and maintain some balance, so everyone is happy and friends with everyone else... At that moment none of them had other partners, so I couldn't test how I would REALLY feel - because it was only hypothetical - maybe I would also become jealous or sad or felt cheated...  

Anyway - we managed to come to terms later and remain (distant) friends and I connected with another girl later, felt deep love for her, a sense of belonging and it felt like a very deep connection, so we "formed a couple" and live together now.

I understand this feeling of openness and freedom, but I really don't desire more partners now. I am happy with my "wife" and we develop and grow together. Maybe some of you will find a way to remain in such an open relationship in which everyone is fulfilled and happy, but my experience was as I wrote in all the detail to paint the complexity of the situation (it was even more messed up and tasking).

I have no prejudices either way. Do what feels right and makes you function and grow better in this world. Be honest and loving to other people in any way you function with them. But even with all good intentions, you could end up hurting others.

Also - really be honest about your actions -  having more partners to whom you lie and hide others, is not polyamory, Complete honesty and transparency is needed and then you will see if everyone is really happy in that "arrangement" and if it works. 

 


 

Edited February 15, 2021 by Jodo

[At awe]

@Jodo Beautiful!

[RendHeaven]

I'm strongly convinced that what I ultimately want is monogamy (once I'm older and wiser lol), but I could be tricking myself. I just don't know anymore.

Currently I'm leaning towards open relationships because I'm young and have been hurt by monogamy in the past.

[roopepa]

All rules in love are due to fear.

[Pernani]

On 2/15/2021 at 9:51 AM, Jodo said:

I only had limited experience with polyamory... I was in a situation when I really felt free and happy with what I became in life and this fulfilment of mine seemed to attract women, too. My libido was sky high and one particular sensual girl opened up what I could only describe as "tantric" sex. No special rituals or anything, just intuitive, out of this world love-making, seeing things, "getting high" from sex, feeling energy flowing, connecting, her having very long (like 10 minutes and more of whole body shaking and twisting) orgasms, I had whole body orgasms, sort of "energetic" ones, etc. We also really felt connected and at ease with each other. A very deep and respectful interaction was going on. 

I tried to make sense of it all and found it all written in books on Daoist, Tantric, Sex Magick and similar sex practices, but there they mentioned practices and exercises to achieve that, while we somehow tapped into it intuitively.

I also had zero need to "possess" her, no jealousy, she also expressed her wish to experiment with another female friend of hers, she was attracted to one of her old friends, who was gay, but she thought they could have sex anyway... and I encouraged her to be free, to experience it all, it takes nothing away from what we had... but - when I look back - I was not really in love with her - not deeply - I loved her as a very good friend, I was attracted to her sexually, but never imagined us becoming a monogamous "couple"... Yet the feeling of the moment was really liberating - like we could experience whatever we want, respect and love each other and everyone involved - it was very fresh and special.

We had a few months of out of this world romance, also some "ritualistic magic" sex ordeals with some cannabis edibles, psilocybe mushrooms and not leaving the house for the whole weekends, only having crazy sex for several hours through the days and night, some resting, sleep and sex again, mutual bathing, food, wine, psychedelic journeys, music... all merging into one incredible sensual journey beyond reason, morality, shame, prejudices, where everything was allowed, everything tried out, us being completely open, transparent in our desires to each other, completely unhinged lust, even transforming into animals in visions - making love like a lion and lioness, making love as Shiva (archetype?), experiencing complete surrender, flow, sexual organs were shape-shifting into different forms and ways of connection - like my penis was "travelling" inside her body energetically, becoming longer, thicker, filling her deep, then becoming leaner and snake-like moving through her, triggering intense sensations of pleasure, bodies merging into one another ... all of that even increased that "tantric" kind of experience. It was not just sex, it was "witchcraft" and I really wish everyone alive can experience that. There's so much more possible in lovemaking than the ordinary sex.

But there came the time when she had to go to Berlin and I had to go to have some workshops and lectures with other people and we were separated for a while. I was still in that special energy - feeling completely free and open, everything allowed, no jealousy, no possessiveness, I even joked with her on email if she managed to have sex with her female crush and how was it... and I genuinely wished that she had and that she experienced that. But she only wrote to me about how she misses me and about the plans where to go on holidays together, which I was looking forward to, also. 

While I was with other people there was one particularly nice friend, and as open as I was, she became attracted to me and I felt desire for her. It felt so innocent, so pure, nothing bad meant for anyone, only passion unhinged. We kissed almost by accident one day, the tension becoming too high and we had a wild "affair" in the hotel, the room was shared with some other attendees of the seminar we were at, so we even sneaked onto a balcony at night to have sex, once also got "caught" by one friend, who just left the balcony and we were so lustful that we continued "fucking", knowing she won't come back... We were shameless, joking with our unhinged desire - we talked in dirty words about our lust, being a cocky bastard, she liked to be a "whore", bitch, wanted me to watch her, doing all kind of "depraved" sexual acts with full intensity,  we "fucked like rabbits"... she was even squirting - which I experienced for the first time. But there was absolutely no negative emotion, no shame, no jealousy... I also felt deep appreciation and affection towards her. Like finding another special person with whom we can connect on deeper levels. It was a real feeling of bliss on Earth. Freshness, freedom, love, sexual energy!

I felt I need to tell my other lover about that, I thought, wow, we have something special going on - everyone is so open, sensual, we can have such a special time on this Earth, enjoying so much together, no one "owning" anyone, all sharing affection and sensuality...  and then - blackout... she was devastated to hear I had sex with another woman, she obviously only pretended to be open and free and wanting to experiment with others, while I really felt this openness and freedom... Then I started thinking if all this was wrong - if I hurt people... was I morally wrong? Selfish? I still felt honest and free, but I witnessed hurting others with my unhinged actions... All of us stopped communicating (they didn't want to hear from me). Then another crush of mine contacted me. A very sexy, but timid girl, who didn't know what she wants - she was very horny, single and not able to make connections to any man for several years, because she was too hurt in the past relationships. We met and (because I seemed to be so open and it somehow translated to others) she overcame her shyness and invited me for a massage (she was doing some training for a massage therapist) I agreed. Of course it turned into another otherworldly love-making session... I discovered that obviously that first girl (or our interaction) opened something in me - some sort of "sexual initiation" and that from now on I had similar experiences with all the lovers who were also surprised and discovered a new way of love-making in our "sessions"...
The trick was, though, that it also triggered some sort of possessiveness, they wanted to keep that only for themselves, despite declaring free spirit and openness before. It only complicated things way too much. Everyone getting hurt, me feeling like a "gigolo" asshole in the end.

We talked about these things, but none of them could feel the same way, even though they contacted me, wanted to establish communication again, but ignoring the other girls, like they don't exist...

I think it is very difficult to have those dynamic relationships and maintain some balance, so everyone is happy and friends with everyone else... At that moment none of them had other partners, so I couldn't test how I would REALLY feel - because it was only hypothetical - maybe I would also become jealous or sad or felt cheated...  

Anyway - we managed to come to terms later and remain (distant) friends and I connected with another girl later, felt deep love for her, a sense of belonging and it felt like a very deep connection, so we "formed a couple" and live together now.

I understand this feeling of openness and freedom, but I really don't desire more partners now. I am happy with my "wife" and we develop and grow together. Maybe some of you will find a way to remain in such an open relationship in which everyone is fulfilled and happy, but my experience was as I wrote in all the detail to paint the complexity of the situation (it was even more messed up and tasking).

I have no prejudices either way. Do what feels right and makes you function and grow better in this world. Be honest and loving to other people in any way you function with them. But even with all good intentions, you could end up hurting others.

Also - really be honest about your actions -  having more partners to whom you lie and hide others, is not polyamory, Complete honesty and transparency is needed and then you will see if everyone is really happy in that "arrangement" and if it works. 

 


 

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can relate to some of that, although I relate to your partners who thought they were sexually "open" and "free" only to find out that their emotions say otherwise. Sometimes we can "know" something conceptually while we feel in an entirely different way.