Why I Prefer to Stay Single (Don't Chase Girls)

[vinc3nc]

So I’m making this post mostly for men – to give you advice. But women can also share their thoughts if they want to, of course. I don't care.

What I’m going to write here is just what I’ve learned from my observation in life. I'm in my late twenties and I'm very ambitious as a person. I'm very hardworking and disciplined and all that. It took me years to develop these traits. Probably more like a decade tbh.
I think that as a man, you’re way better off (when you’re young) if you stay single and don’t chase girls. Girls are just a distraction in your life. Chances are they will make your life more miserable. Just like Nietzsche said: “Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.”

They will take away a lot of your free time – which is the one thing you need the most if you ever want to become successful, to get the things you want. And they will also take away your money most likely.

There are many areas in your life that you can start improving – health, finances, romance, family friends, career, spirituality, recreation etc. – and I think that’s it’s very, very hard to become successful in all of them. Usually, you will have to sacrifice a few of them. And the one worth sacrificing is chasing girls – or getting in a relationship with one rather. So, that’s the “romance” category.

The point here is that you should put all of your effort and time into developing yourself. Start exercising, start meditating, start developing useful skills, start educating yourself in different ways. Start doing these things as early as possible. These things will improve your life on so many levels. And they will give you some kind of purpose because you’ll have that sense of progression all the time.

Yes, it will take you years before you make all those things a habit. The majority of people are not willing to work so hard and sacrifice other things. There’s no shortcut to this. You’ll only realize that after a decade or so – why so few people do it. Because it’s fucking hard. Most people just want that short-term gratification, and they sacrifice the long term. You have to do the opposite and really be patient with your results.

I don’t care if I'm lacking in the “romance” department because I'm busy developing myself in other ways. When I observe people around me – family, friends, and pretty much everyone else – they’re all mediocre. They go all down the same path. They get a job, buy a car, they get in a relationship early in their lives. They’re not ambitious. No goals. They’re miserable or they become miserable sooner rather than later. They’re the last thing I want to become. So I'm not going down that path. They’re proof that my life won’t get better once I get a gf.

If you want to be happy in life, you don’t need another person in your life. You can be happy just by yourself. And don’t think I'm writing this because I can’t get a girl, or because they’re not interested in me. In fact, if I wanted a gf, I could get one in a sec. And the more I’ve worked on myself, the more chances I’ve had with them. I see through their bs in a sec. I don’t see them adding any value to my life. At least not at the moment. Maybe that will change in a couple of years.

Most people get in a relationship early in their lives. Why? Because it’s easy and it’s programmed in you. It’s something “you have to do”, otherwise you’re kind of weird. And if it wasn’t easy, we would all go extinct.

It might seem sad to you – the way I'm thinking about this – but that’s how it is. I simply think that there would be more cons than pros if I got in a relationship right now. I don’t care if I end up without a gf for the rest of my life tbh. I'm happy right now. I don’t need other people to make me happy. I’ve been meditating for a lot of years. I know what it takes to be happy.

You will also become a slave to your woman in a sense. You will work on her clock. She’s more in a hurry than you. She will want a family quicker than you. And then this will take even more time from you. The chances of you succeeding will decrease even further.

Anyway, if your main priority in life is to get a girlfriend, you’re doing it wrong. I'm not saying that you shouldn’t try to become better with girls and all that. Just don’t get in a relationship before you get your shit together. Focus on other things. Creating a lot of free time for yourself is the most important thing in your life. That’s how you can set yourself apart from other people. It’s so easy to stand out in this society. It’s really sad how no one wants to work on themselves. No purpose. No goals. Nothing.

And I'm not saying that there aren’t people out there that succeeded or will succeed in life despite having a gf. Of course, there are exceptions to everything. I'm just saying that the chances of you succeeding while in a relationship will drastically decrease. So it’s up to you what you want to do. I would rather sacrifice that regular sex for something way better for me in the long-term. You can always get a gf later. Even if that’s when you’re 35+.

Edited February 9, 2021 by vinc3nc
typo

[Willie]

Isn’t this the basic premise behind MGTOW?

[Yahya]

@vinc3nc Then how do we fulfill our sexual desires if I leave women?

[Roy]

6 minutes ago, Willie said:

Isn’t this the basic premise behind MGTOW?

In a way yes, but what the OP is saying is just pragmatism, there is nothing offensive in any part of his post imo.

MGTOW is saying what he's saying BUT doing it in a really selfish and blatantly sexist way, which is of course stupidity and devilry.

I'm also in the same boat as the OP, it's funny I came across this now. I broke up with a recent partner yesterday because I've got other things I want to succeed more at in life right now and ultimately if I'm honest I'm just using a relationship as a distraction. I'm starting to realize I only have so much energy and resources in my life right now, I can't have it all so I need to make sacrifices.

When I think long term anyways, I'm leaning quite heavily towards NOT getting married or having biological children anyways, so why do I need to foster and invest a ridiculous amount of time, money, and emotional energy into getting a woman for those things if I don't want them? I only want to adopt 1 child one day and I don't need a partner for that. Of course I'll want a partner again eventually as great relationships can be amazing things, but it won't be a major priority for me until I figure some other things out and accomplish what I want to.

He does have a point here that people could learn from. We need to break the cultural conditioning of things we "should" be doing because for a lot of people it just leads to a mediocre or even shitty life. We're encouraged to do EVERYTHING at once, but that's absurd because only a rare few people are superhuman and can pull it off. If you're really serious about getting exactly what you want you need to make sacrifices and go hard at it and not care what people think because you won't be able to do it all by just following the "normal" path.

You cannot have it all, but you can have what you want if you're focused and strategic enough.

7 minutes ago, Yahya said:

@vinc3nc Then how do we fulfill our sexual desires if I leave women?

Just masturbate. There is nothing wrong with some self-love to fulfill your sexual desires in the meantime. Just have the discipline and self-awareness not to become a porn addict. There are plenty of successful and developed people that sacrificed relationships and sex on the way to reaching their goals.

Do you think they all had a chastity belt on and were /r/NoFap moderators on the way to their accomplishments?

No of course not.

  

[Preety_India]

 

@vinc3nc I honestly feel this is your opinion and not reality. If I ever had the greatest growth in my life, it directly stemmed from my bitter experiences in my relationships with the men I had in my life. But those same bitter moments and experiences made me a stronger, wholesome, molded person today. I know much better now than I knew back then which is only a few years ago. I could have easily wrote your post myself by simply switching the gender. Yes, I have wasted nearly 6 years of my precious youth in men that weren't worth my time. I now relegate myself wholly to the subject of self development and improving different areas of my life mainly spirituality, consciousness, health, mental health, emotional health, intellectual faculties etc. But in no way does this mean that people engaged in relationships aren't having a fruitful experience. Let's face it. If our relationships were wholesome, beautiful and successful, then we tend to grow together and learn quicker through transference, not to mention how relationships motivate us to be better people in terms of grooming, fitness, health, finances and psychology. Relationships aren't the end all and be all, however I'd like to draw a strong line here, because messages can be easily misleading, before jumping to paint relationships in a negative light, I would also to say that relationships tend to drain us in a bad way mostly and precisely because those certain relationships are toxic to begin with, it's the toxic relationships that steal our energies, and most relationships are toxic, so in some ways you are right about a lot of things, but if you separated the word toxic from the word relationship, you've a very different picture, since a healthy relationship is not going to drain you but rather lift you up in life, so while determining how relationships impact your life, you also need to give a look at the quality of the relationship you've been in, maybe it's not the relationship by itself that's dragging your life energy but the quality of it that is really the culprit. Also I don't think this is a woman thing because it takes two to tango, so it's a gender neutral thing and I'm pretty sure women think the same way you do, it's just that they prefer not to be too local about it, it can make them look bad, but what I'm trying to say that this a shared experience and both men and women feel that the relationship didn't fulfill them rather drained them and they were much better off single than being in one. For example  you say that chasing girls is pointless, I'd say saying yes to men and falling in love with them is pointless if it's not going to be a wholesome experience for me down the line, when a relationship fails you gotta ask yourself what you did that might have contributed to its failure, I'm not trying to say that it's you who caused the failure, it could be the woman,but learning to reflect on the failures of a relationship is also a great learning lesson in life because such failures directly point to facets of our personality that need significant improvement. Relationship is a risky adventure and it comes with its pros and cons as anything else in life. Having a relationship is not a bad idea, having a bad relationship is definitely a bad idea but even if it's not a good relationship you still get to learn valuable lessons from your mistakes, although it's not always worth sacrificing your time for, it isn't necessarily a bad thing because it teaches you a lot. I agree that the social conditioning in regard to  relationships is quite strong and needs to be broken, nobody is supposed to be made to feel weird simply because they chose a different path. That's definitely needs its own discussion platform. If you're using a relationship as a distraction in life, it won't be a rewarding experience, but if you are in a good relationship and you are using it for your personal growth, to build a better life and family, nothing could be more rewarding. 

 

[vinc3nc]

@Roy I'm glad you get it.

 

@Preety_India 

I appreciate your long post. But here a few things you have to understand.

First of all, what a relationship means to a man is different than what it means to a woman. For women, the end goal is to create a family. A loving man and a few children usually. And if you have a lot of self-awareness - if you understand where your desires come from - then you'll realize that the end goal is the children. That's how nature made you. Nature is always right. And as Nietzsche observed: "For the woman, the man is a means: the end is always the child."

For men, on the other hand, a relationship or family is just one part of their lives. It's not the main one as it is with women. If that's your main goal, women will leave you because they will recognize you have no purpose in your life. At least high-quality women.

So, your main goal as a man should be something else than a family. I'm not going into details about what that should be.

Yes, being in a lot of relationships can be very beneficial for you. You can learn so much about yourself, and they can make you grow a lot overall. It's especially useful for young guys to make them realize that they need to start increasing their value after their gfs leave them, haha.

Young men will usually end up being heart-broken eventually. That's something I think you have to go through as a man. It's like a blessing in disguise which makes you realize a lot of things early on. But most of them never learn I guess. They just keep chasing another girl and another and another, wasting time, instead of beginning that journey of self-improvement.

Another big thing that you have to understand here is that men have to work on increasing their value, while women have to work on preserving their value. So, if you're going through hardship, pain, failures, etc. as a woman, you might develop yourself in a lot of ways. But you will also lose that innocence. You will lose that femininity. Your value will go down, through the eyes of society at least.

While for men hardship, pain, failures are the best learning and growing experiences. They will make you more masculine. They will increase your value. Also, the more women you sleep with, the more your value goes up - and it's the opposite for women, of course.

That's why they say women who are between the ages of 20-24 have the most value. Generally speaking, they look the best at that age and are also the most "innocent". While men with the most value are between the ages of 31-36. Remember, they have to create their value.

That's why also this quote from Socrates makes sense: “The Ideal age for marriage in men is 35. The Ideal age for marriage in women is 18”.

Edited February 10, 2021 by vinc3nc
typo

[NatureB]

Dude tysm for this post. It feels like this was on the edge of my mind, and seeing you out it into words really helped it click for me. Yes, I actually don't want a girlfriend right now. I'd rather work on my ONE Thing, my life purpose and values and gials than get a girlfriend. Again thank you SO much OP!!

[At awe]

@vinc3nc Is it possible that You are trying to convince yourself that it’s the best option? 

[hoodrow trillson]

Usually going against the grain of society will get you weird looks but it's a crab in a barrel mentality these days so if you can break through caring what other's think--you're on a good path of inward happiness.

I've got childhood friends who married relatively youngish and or have kids, and now when we hang out they look about 15 years older than me and are mentally drained.  Always on edge, always negative, always defensive, always complaining.  Reminds me of a form of PTSD.  Not to mention, cheating has been a rampant, taboo problem these days with the internet.  Nobody is loyal--some have coped by just becoming an "open relationship" where the woman gets tons of dick and the man is left jerking off, but he won't tell his friends that. lmao.

OP, have you seen the video of Leo in that long nosed mask on youtube?  He precisely touches on this a bit but in a more conscious way: 

 

[Hugo Oliveira]

These points are valid and go against mainstream conditioned thinking which is good too! I would just suggest not turning it into an ideology. You may not have too much certainty about what really is success and happiness in life and your high ambitions may not be the ultimate authority. Mainly in the life of others. Again, you mentioned good insights! And I hope it is contributing to your path.  

[Preety_India]

6 hours ago, vinc3nc said:

Another big thing that you have to understand here is that men have to work on increasing their value, while women have to work on preserving their value. So, if you're going through hardship, pain, failures, etc. as a woman, you might develop yourself in a lot of ways. But you will also lose that innocence. You will lose that femininity. Your value will go down, through the eyes of society at least.

Who cares what society thinks about a woman? It's same old same old same old. 

Here you're telling me how you want to break through social conditioning for your own growth? "

Then why shouldn't this luxury be afforded to me to break through social conditioning as a woman? I guess rules for me are different then. 

If I'm going through hardships I'm growing into a unique me, and if I don't turn out looking cute and innocent and fragile, so be it, I don't need to think too much about it. 

My value??? My value is always high in my eyes as long as I'm able to contribute to society and myself in meaningful ways. 

Look at how easily you want to protect yourself from chasing women but at the same time you preach me how I should preserve myself for men, even to the extent of sacrificing my own growth to look like a cutie on display. 

Nah. I can be myself. The only difference is that I will attract more emotionally matured men who value and respect me for who I am and for not conforming to social ideals of who a woman ought to be. 

Everyone needs to increase their value, both men and women. Enough of the dumbing down women shit. 

If you think chasing girls is not allowing you to focus on your growth and is a distraction, then I think preserving myself for men is an obstacle and hindering me from achieving my greatest potential. 

 

Edited February 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Grateful Dead]

What you say is true..

But you can grow a lot by falling in love, being in a relationship or trough a break up. The most personal development for me happend after my last gf broke up with me.

I think it's better to have like 2-3 failing relationships in 10 years then not having any at all.

[Heaven]

I agree with many things that you’re saying but a healthy balance and to know your boundaries is the key here. 
 

Having relationships in your life is just a way for you to express Love and Gratitude for this creation.

If you don’t feel like doing it, just don’t. Nothing to be forced.

 

 

[vinc3nc]

@At awe FInd out for yourself.

@NatureB Glad I could help.

@Preety_India Maybe I should have said how men (instead of society) perceive women.

Look, you can do whatever you want to do. Grow as a person as much as possible if that's your goal. If you already have a high-quality bf, then you probably don't need to worry about attracting anyone, especially if he's satisfied with you the way you are.

What I'm just saying here is how women's value is perceived from men's point of view in general. So, most men, high or low value, are attracted to women's looks first and foremost. That should be obvious by now, shouldn't it? Personality and other stuff come behind that. That's how it is. I am just telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

Young, attractive women are already a finished product, so to speak, while young men are an unfinished product. But that product can increase its value over time, by making itself more developed. Women's value on the other hand will just decrease over time - as they age - no matter how much they develop their personality because their looks will fade. 

(So, it's the complete opposite. It's like yin and yang. How beautiful.)

That's why I think being a man is why better (of course I am biased). You're like a character in a video game. You can achieve pretty much everything if you put in the work and you can develop yourself in so many ways. But I'm also aware that women's thinking is completely different. They don't look at these things in such a way.

So anyway, if women are judged by their looks the most, that's not my fault. And also dont blame me when I point that out. So, that's the value I'm talking about. Now, what you think about your value or what you think of yourself in general, that's completely beside the point here. Thinking highly of yourself is always positive though.

 

Edited February 10, 2021 by vinc3nc

[At awe]

@vinc3nc I’m 42 and therefore out of these woods. The question was for You. Don’t answer me, answer to yourself?

[Applegarden]

I do agree in general, because i am seeing this happen in my life as I am putting more attention to myself. And it takes quite some time to change yourself, but it is happening.

[vinc3nc]

@At awe What is there to convince myself? I've been single for a lot of years now and because of that I've had a lot of freedom. I love solitude so much and I'm not even a hardcore introvert.

I don't think you can achieve much in life without plenty of solitude. You need a lot of time for yourself - to think, reflect, plan, read, write, etc. As that quote goes: "An unexamined life is not worth living." I couldn't agree more.

Working on myself all the time gives me the most amount of joy possible. It gives me that sense of purpose. That I am moving in the right direction (even though you can't really get anywhere). Sometimes I question if the things I am doing are worth it, but what else is there to do? I look around and see other people on autopilot. No, I don't want to be like them. There's nothing I regret.

I've pretty much become financially free thanks to this lifestyle. There's no way I would have been able to do that if I hadn't been single and with so much time on my hand. And don't get me wrong. The money itself won't make you happy. It will just give you the freedom, and then that freedom to do what you want can make you happy - if you do the right things.

So again, I think it's worth sacrificing that area of your life when you're in your twenties to work on yourself and achieve the things that you want. And this is not advice for everyone. Only a few people can live like that. Just like escaping wage slavery - only a few people will do it.

[vinc3nc]

@flume This post is not to get validation. Why would I need that? This is not about whether or not I am doing the right thing. This is just me giving advice to young men. If you read all the comments, then you would know that some people found it useful.

And yes there are distractions out there in the world. Choose your habits wisely.

[integral]

In any first world country, a basic job, frugal life style and not having children = rich. 

Edited February 11, 2021 by integral

[Raphael]

All distractions are distractions from other distractions.