I don't wish to be attractive to men

[Preety_India]

Some of the relationship trauma that I carry comes from a place where I question everything that I've been taught.

It comes from feeling judged for gaining a few pounds to one of my exes telling me "don't cut your hair" and I went and cut my hair short. I didn't care. He was tensed for a week and wouldn't talk to me because I didn't do what he said. 

Then one day I decided to try red lipstick on. I went on a date with him and wore pretty clothes and a nice red lipstick. 

Then he whispered in my ears "don't do that. Wear a pink lipstick. Red will make you look like a prostitute." I was pissed off and I stormed off. 

After suffering trauma from my last relationship, often times I felt like doing the opposite. Trying to free myself from this horrible social conditioning and living your whole life like that. 

Dressing like a Tomboy, cutting my hair short, painting my nails weird, wearing anything I wanted. In a subconscious way, I was trying to fight what I was told to do. Fight the very part that was bothering me. When I did it, I felt free for the first time in life. I felt like I was living me, only me, liberated from this need to appear prim and proper to a man, to always be this perfect doll to his needs, like a cute doll. 

I was like, "why can't I just be myself?" to fight this cultural conditioning that women have to be a certain way to be attractive  or else they are not worth loving. Why be gaslighted for doing what you like and not obeying social standards? 

Why not be with a man who only loves you for who you are, all your uniqueness and oddities? Wouldn't that feel so amazingly freeing to be with someone who actually cares more about you than your looks or how you please him? Who loves you from deep inside? 

Why can't I wear red lipstick just because he doesn't like it? Why should I have to be his way all the time? Why can't I be my way? Why this culture to hate or diss a woman subconsciously when she doesn't match what a man wants her to look or be like? 

When I woke up one day the past week, I had a dream where I saw my ex saying to me "that girl is better than you, that girl is hotter than you, that girl is better than you, that girl is hotter than you" and it kept reverberating and those hot tears came back again remembering how I told him that I didn't want the relationship if he thought I was ugly. 

And him constantly attacking my appearance during arguments and then later calling it "word ammunition." I had taken so much of his emotional abuse. And finally I broke up. 

He would compare me to this model who was like actually an actress working in movies and stuff. She had this perfect ideal body. She had many followers on Instagram. 

How in the world could I compete with her when I was just a regular girl, looking like other regular women, I didn't look ugly but not the type that you see in movies. 

Then I told him if that's what he wanted then why be with me? And his answer would be because he can't get her. 

I was like "why are you comparing me to her constantly if you love me, go fuck her then  go have sex with her" 

I felt trapped in that relationship.

These days I experiment with anything. I don't care what a man likes or doesn't like. Why should I? Why should I trap myself in a body or structure that is supposed to be pleasing to him? 

If he can't love me for who I am, then fine, go, leave me, I don't want such love anyway. That's not real love, being a pawn for his pleasures and being his perfect trophy girlfriend that he can parade around.. 

I want to be loved for who I am. I want to be free. I want to feel liberated. I don't want to feel humiliated for the natural beauty that God gave me. 

All my uniqueness, all my quirkiness, all my natural traits, why should I compromise and turn into a dumb doll or mannequin that follows all orders that are given to it. 

Today tears came to my eyes because my current boyfriend tells me that he loves me for who I am and not for who he wants me to be. 

I'm fed up with the whole attraction bullshit. I want to be me and I want a man who allows me to be me and I allow him to be him. I love him as he is, with all his flaws and problems and uniqueness and he loves me for who I am. 

I don't expect perfection either out of myself or him.. It feels like liberation and like a new birth to no longer have to be perfect for someone. 

Important lessons learned. 

 

Edited February 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I would appreciate a response from @Emerald. @Keyhole, @Etherial Cat  and many more.

 

Edited February 8, 2021 by Preety_India

[Dancer]

You are beautiful as you are.

But of course you want to look pretty for men.

I want to look nice and clean for you. Even for cats. When they look at me, I want them to see the most beautiful shining being.

 

When I was younger I had a period for a couple of years when I didn't care at all about my appearance.

I looked like a bum. (Nothing against beautiful bums).

Then I realized that it's not me that's looking at me. It's you.

And I want to be beautiful for you.

 

Edited February 8, 2021 by Dancer

[mandyjw]

Some women dress to impress men, others dress to impress other women, others try to dress to impress everyone at once, others dress to piss off everyone, but really you should dress only for you.  

[Dancer]

Just now, mandyjw said:

Some women dress to impress men, others dress to impress other women, others try to dress to impress everyone at once, others dress to piss off everyone, but really you should dress only for you.  

[Keyhole]

Quote

?That's so sweet that this happened!  How thoughtful.  Your boyfriend sounds to be considerate and good for you.  Blessings.?

Edited February 8, 2021 by Keyhole
I made this pretty for you though, I'm in a high vibe state. Good vibes.

[Preety_India]

@Keyhole that's awesome. Thank you so much. 

Love the responses.

Agree with @mandyjw

 

[Preety_India]

27 minutes ago, Etherial Cat said:

I think you are perhaps throwing away the baby with the bathwater when you say you don't want to be attractive to men. Its not uncommon to swing too far the pendulum in the opposite direction once you've caught yourself at the mercy of a toxic pattern, whether it is something that you've caught on your own, or is deeply rooted in the collective. What I have found for myself is that I love being attractive for those whom I've got plenty of potential to resonate with, and I'm very content when those who do not resonate with me aren't (ax-murdering type, bigots, narcissistic type...)

I totally see the place you are coming from when you talk about suffocating from the social expectations, projections and narratives of what is the ideal female. During my late teens to my very early 20s especially, I was torn both between wanting to reach that ideal and feeling the angst of living a superficial life; one of objectification and pretenses. A life where I would conform to other people's standards but where my individuality would slowly vanish for something more plastic, out of wanting to be validated externally. Retrospectively, I know know that what I wanted was acceptation from my peers, and getting the adoration of the most validated alpha guy out there, so I would be feeling worthy by proxy. I just didn't manage back then to validate myself internally, because I had little self-love and self-esteem.

Up to this day, I see that a lot my friends from that time have been going through this sloppy road. I had pretty girl friends who were botched by age 25 because of wanting to be "more", using their bodies sometimes as commodities to further their position and have better leverage on men. Others are natural 8-9s, but even if not the self-aware/socially aware type they couldn't help but share with me the displeasing experience they had to be living in parallele realities where their thoughts, emotions, and agenda weren't perceived by the guys they were dating. Which by the way, tells me that it goes both way. 

To me, it's clear that the reason why this happens is because both are into each other for mutual gains and they neglect the importance of having a genuine intimate connection based on authenticity, integrity, genuine compatibility, similar life views, interests and so forth. It is primarily based on survival. How they get together is often based on their biggest insecurities/neediness and the relationship is holding through codependency.

What happens in all case is that all of these people are operating mostly through society's standards and mainstream narrative which they fail to question in all their toxicity (aka, they refuse to un-do their conditioning and work on their trauma). They haven't even started a work of deconstruction and reconnection with their authentic self. Self-Love, truth and consciousness are often quite foreign concepts to them, so they keep on attracting stuff that do not correspond them.

Regarding being female, the most common narrative about femininity is that our value depends on our looks and how cooperative we are in subserving and enforcing the dehumanizing depiction of what we are supposed to be. And that is a huge trap, because if you operate through this paradigm you will be nothing but an empty shell who gave up its authenticity for security and conformity. 

In order to avoid this trap (which punishes both female and men btw), the best way is to get to know yourself and put yourself at the center of your life. Not in a narcissistic way but in the way of self-love and self-esteem. 

When I read you telling us about how far you've let yourself abused by this guy, I can't help but feel sad you've left yourself mistreated that way. People treat us the way we let them treat us, and in this case, you should have run for your life at the first sign of abuse. You should have clear and solid boundaries so you aren't likely to be fucked with and disqualify men as fast as possible when they aren't clearly fitting your standards.

If he makes you feel physically, emotionally, intellectually or even sexually unsafe, tries to get you to compete with other girls, mess up with your integrity, tries to diminish you, or try to push his agenda over yours, you should perceive him as a mismatch and stop it there. And this regardless of his status, good looks, or whatever skill he's got. A good benchmark for that is to keep track of how he makes you feel. For instance, each time you find yourself crying due to him that's a bad sign. Also, if it isn't "easy" and you've got to put a lot of effort or manipulation to hold the relationships, then it's a bad sign and you should call it quit.

On the contrary, look for a man who uplift you, genuinely feels comfortable with females, someone with whom you can grow. A man who is secure and healthy in his masculinity won't need to kick you down to feel manly and won't be interested in having an object girl, as his girlfriend. He'll actually be over the moon to have found a partner with whom he can bond on a deeper level and have intimacy. A lot of men are afraid of intimacy because toxic masculinity teaches them to distance themself from their emotions and those of others, but I think they really want a woman they can trust and who can love them almost unconditionally. A bit as per the love they've received or didn't receive by their mother. It seems to me like they always keep on researching it (consciously or unconsciously) and a lot the resentment that bubbles up towards women as a group find its roots on the feeling to having now to "earn" this affection. 

What I've found is that since I've been on the self-actualization/spiritual path, and that I've freed myself (at least partially) from toxic tutelage, my life is weeding itself out from the consequences that came with it. I attract in general people with whom I am resonating with and we resonate well, on a deeper level. Also, my "unique" perspectives on things have made me quite the object of attention and it's not rare that I am perceived as high value by both female and male. 

The rest, I don't care. I am actually glad those who aren't into my authentic expression have other fishes to fries because like this we all save time.

So yeah, for all these reasons, I would encourage you to assert yourself (while not overstepping on other people's boundaries, of course, you want to be as conscious, respectful and delicate as possible). The more you become genuinely healthy, loving, and conscious and the more value you have, for real. Develop your true unique self, the one that is hiding under the mountain of fake conditioning, and you'll increase drastically your odds to find the person who corresponds you.

Wow that's awesome. Thank you so much for the great insights.. Lovely. 

 

[charlie cho]

@Preety_India i don't know what response you want. But I'll speak from my personal experience. I used to think accomodating to society, lying about myself and not "being myself" was the most atrocious thing one could do. But you gotta think a little more deeply. I watched Schindler's list 2 years ago, and I saw Oscar Schindler calling jews scrubs and prostitutes in front of the nazis. He once held a hose in front of the generals and splashed them on the Jews face laughing at them, calling them names unimaginable, smirking at the fact that with his hose he can hit them with the pressure of water. But what he really wanted was to let the jews drink water. He also asked one general to give him 500 jews for his factory. That he wanted to use some of them as his sex slaves and occasionally shoot them with a rifle. The general and him bonded with the fact that they loved shooting them with a rifle after they woke up in the morning. And then I imagined in my head, when there were some Germans who didn't give a fuck about society and hid some jews in their attics, and when SS officers would visit, they would not be themselves, lie their asses off, pretend they are devoted to the Nazi party and later save those jews until the end of the regime. 

So, my point is, truth and lies seem to compliment each other. And you can be scientifically accurate all the time. Say all the historical facts correctly, but that does not guarantee you are truthful at heart. I'm telling you right now, those German angels were the greatest hypocrites who denied being themselves to do what was natural and beautiful. 

I feel the energy in you where you hate men. I hate women too. I hate many people. I really don't give a shit about anybody in here. I only care about myself. But I do want to say this to you. 

I used to hate my father to the T, and to some extent, I still do. He tried to buy dinner for me, do anything to just apologize to me, but I just couldn't stand him even though I wanted to. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to just NOT BE with someone. I believe everyone has the right to just NOT BE with someone. I wanted to cut him off my life, and really destroy his existence in my mind. So to do this, I hated him, bashed him, tried to humiliate him, and tried to physically beat him. (that's why he stated avoiding me) 

Until I realized one of the things I read, where Buddha says that if you really want to end the relationship, you shouldn't even hate the person. You are secretly still in love with the relationship if you hate him. Buddha said, only true love, universe, existence is able to break off the relationship completely. IF you love him deeply, only then he does not have any impact on you. IF you don't want to be influenced or pressured by someone, you need to break off the relationship. So don't even hate him. Don't even love him. Just be normal. 

I don't know if it's working out for me. But since then, I never thought of hurting my father ever since. 

I write this because maybe, we both need to get over the hate we have for someone else. And you know, we gotta help each other out when we can 

[Preety_India]

@charlie cho

I don't hate men but I'm against the social paradigm of being a certain way in order to be considered worthy of love. 

I don't want that social conditioning and I'm rebelling against that conditioning where my worth is judged on my looks and my being is not valued or loved. 

Love should be about loving a person for who they are, loving them inside out and not about buying objects. 

 

[Emerald]

I think it's good that you've found someone who appreciates you for you. That's very important in a relationship.

It seems like the guy you were with before had a lot of difficulties with fixating upon women who embody some kind of ideal in his mind. And then trying to use his own fixation to disempower you.

It's most likely that, underneath that desire to disempower and poke at your self-esteem, that he could have been dealing with insecurities about his own sexual/romantic value. So, if he could make you feel insecure, it would make him feel more secure... because if your self-esteem is shaken, maybe you'll value him more and stick around. It is often that this type of abusive behavior is a front for insecurities and fears.

But my biggest advice would be to look inward at what a relationship to a man means to you. It is often, that our attitude toward romantic relationships reflects earlier traumas. And we often try to recreate patterns from the past to play through old traumas and find resolve.

And beyond that, if I were in your shoes, I'd ask myself how I really want to look beyond the expectations of others. So, neither would it be about conforming to what it seems men want you to look like, nor would it be about rebelling against what it seems men want you to look like.

Creating a look has so much to do with persona creation and self-sovereignty. Attraction is one faculty of the look we present. But it's so much beyond that. It's about who we want to show up as and what we want to express. 

I've found it very helpful to have my own style that showcases my unique preferences.

And this makes me stand out... meaning that fewer men will be attracted to me, and I won't have quite as much mass appeal. But also, if I were seeking to attract a man, I'd be more likely to catch the eye of one who resonates with something about me and my personality in particular. I'd be more likely to find somebody looking for someone like me... and not just any woman. 

So, the question is, how do you like to be, and how do you like to look? And to think about this separate from conforming to men's tastes. AND to think about this separate from rebelling from men's tastes. 

[Preety_India]

5 minutes ago, Emerald said:

I think it's good that you've found someone who appreciates you for you. That's very important in a relationship.

It seems like the guy you were with before had a lot of difficulties with fixating upon women who embody some kind of ideal in his mind. And then trying to use his own fixation to disempower you.

It's most likely that, underneath that desire to disempower and poke at your self-esteem, that he could have been dealing with insecurities about his own sexual/romantic value. So, if he could make you feel insecure, it would make him feel more secure... because if your self-esteem is shaken, maybe you'll value him more and stick around. It is often that this type of abusive behavior is a front for insecurities and fears.

But my biggest advice would be to look inward at what a relationship to a man means to you. It is often, that our attitude toward romantic relationships reflects earlier traumas. And we often try to recreate patterns from the past to play through old traumas and find resolve.

And beyond that, if I were in your shoes, I'd ask myself how I really want to look beyond the expectations of others. So, neither would it be about conforming to what it seems men want you to look like, nor would it be about rebelling against what it seems men want you to look like.

Creating a look has so much to do with persona creation and self-sovereignty. Attraction is one faculty of the look we present. But it's so much beyond that. It's about who we want to show up as and what we want to express. 

I've found it very helpful to have my own style that showcases my unique preferences.

And this makes me stand out... meaning that fewer men will be attracted to me, and I won't have quite as much mass appeal. But also, if I were seeking to attract a man, I'd be more likely to catch the eye of one who resonates with something about me and my personality in particular. I'd be more likely to find somebody looking for someone like me... and not just any woman. 

So, the question is, how do you like to be, and how do you like to look? And to think about this separate from conforming to men's tastes. AND to think about this separate from rebelling from men's tastes. 

Yea that's a wonderful perspective on the subject. 

I need to explore more on the subject of how I want to express myself to the world in terms of appearance because I haven't figured it all out, because cultural and social conditioning is so heavy in terms of looks and presentation that it never occurred to me to look outside of it, so I always grew my hair long because that's what most girls around me did, or that's what my mom always told me to do, at least rebelling against it was one way of breaking out of an established paradigm so that I could explore more and you're right that I should not be making it about either conforming or  rebelling against a certain way but finding my own unique way of being and learn to reject those who try to put me back in a box where I am made to conform to their standards or made guilty for not conforming. That is something that I need to look out for.