Finishing a strategy game mod as short-term life purpose

[Hap E-Boi]

Hi folks,
 

This is my first post, or better said my ego's first post as I still have a long road to go.

Perhaps a little introduction:
I was diagnosed with Autism early on, as well as several commodities.
I've been able to mitigate most of the symptoms as well as some physical health problems like allergies, acne, joint pain, etc. with a low-histamine low-glutamate diet, high zinc, high omega 3 diet.
I don't want to go into detail about that right now, nor take this short summary as advice as it omits most of the important details, I will probably do so later in another section of the forum. This is purely to give some background.
In short I eat lots of fresh vegetables and fatty fish and no gluten, processed foods, dairy, etc.
Some of my sources for this diet are from Dr. Katherine Reid PhD and Dr. William Walsh, PhD. Rather google their research instead of taking this summary as advice.

That said the first days I started this diet I got an ego death, gradually diminishing to better general functioning, higher empathy and emotional intelligence than before and feeling alright most of the time for the first time.

Now comes the actual post-introduction part:

I developed a passion for strategy games around the age of 13 or so (I'm 25 rn), thanks to my ego death and Leo I know that there is no point in video games, but the same goes for anything except observing I guess.

If it was just for the gaming itself I'd had already thrown this habit away, in fact I mostly did, like I game only 1 hour a week or so, sometimes not at all for months.

However I started modding only a few weeks after and at the moment I probably have way over 10.000 hours spend on modding, more than anything else in my life, since I dropped out of school at the age of 15 and I'm now on benefits so I'm a master at modding (even though I had to make a lot of low quality content to achieve that), the problem is that I'm not good at finishing my own mods, well not yet and started many projects while only finishing a handful of small ones, nothing major.

A lot of my work is part of other people's mods and people in the modding community value my efforts, yet criticize my inability to finish my own stuff.

Since the diet change I made more progress than ever before on one of my projects.
The Project in question is a campaign of Alexander the great for a total war game.
I'm highly aware modding is a manifestation of the ego. It feels like it wants to finish my flagship project, and probably nothing else after that for the following reasons, not sure if they are excuses of the ego to continue with low awareness habits or not or they are good intentions to grow from the 'expert' level to the 'achiever' level of ego development.

* My ego death and Leo gave me some insights into the post conventional levels, but I feel like I gotta work on getting a large project done first before I can move on since I feel something is missing in my self-esteem otherwise which I used to out in toxic ways. I want to feel like I can get shit done, not just one task but a whole project. I want to use this as a stepping stone for further development.

* To have one less thing one my bucket list, and stop have a feeling it's done, so my ego doesn't feel like I have wasted 10 years of my life on making mods while never finishing anything major. If I still have some form of ego when I die I'd regret I never have finished my teenage dream.

* My mod is intended to be insanely hard, beyond almost any game or mod that's out there, to the point of nigh-impossibility of success on the difficulty hardest level. I want to use it as a stepping stone to actually play it and 1) have fun getting my ass kicked 2) trying out risky strategies without risk 3) eventually conquering virtual Persia on the hardest difficulty, again to grow some feeling I can get things done against all odds (not sure if this is an excuse of the ego, well it is, but is it a healthy one).

I want to discuss with you if this goal is a trap or not, I'm highly aware it's just a manifestation of the ego since I lost all interest in this during my ego death. Nonetheless, the same is true for Leo's goal of becoming a Yogi, even tho it's a desire of a more mature ego than mine.

To be clear: I don't feel this is my end goal just one chapter of my life I want to complete to move to the next, and forget about modding, thinking about a next goal.

In short: I'm wondering if it's a trap or is it a healthy desire, which will allow for personal growth.

Next if I have set a strategic intent, I want to apply the other 6 pillars of strategy to this. I might post about that later.

I'm aware my ego is just bullshitting here about a autism and a video game mod in a forum of spiritual development and it feels insecure about that, I'm also aware there is no need for shame as spiritually developed people won't judge anyway tho, but what would you tell my monkey mind to do?


Thanks in advance!

Edited February 8, 2021 by Hap E-Boi

[Chosendeer]

Why so self judging about it?

Imo peopl get alot wrong about spirituality and ego by following rules someone sets up as "the path" like being a yogi is better then modding games.

reality was created to expirience itself. Everything in it. If you are drawn to the creation of your mods then this is yout current path of spirituality. And one day you will change this path or maybe stay on it for the rest of your life. It will depend upon which part of reality you are to expirience in this existence.

Sure you need to be aware of traps of the ego. But right now you are creating something and is not the path of creation considered spirituality?

 

[Hap E-Boi]

On 13-2-2021 at 9:36 PM, Chosendeer said:

Why so self judging about it?

Imo peopl get alot wrong about spirituality and ego by following rules someone sets up as "the path" like being a yogi is better then modding games.

reality was created to expirience itself. Everything in it. If you are drawn to the creation of your mods then this is yout current path of spirituality. And one day you will change this path or maybe stay on it for the rest of your life. It will depend upon which part of reality you are to expirience in this existence.

Sure you need to be aware of traps of the ego. But right now you are creating something and is not the path of creation considered spirituality?

 

Thanks for showing you another perspective. My ego I kinda felt overwhelmed by the fear of regretting not realizing my childhood dream on my deathbed, even though I know there is something beyond. They are just about to release a remaster for the game which is oven more moddable, this helps a lot helps with motivation.

Maybe the achievement finishing my modding project can create a sense of contentment in to my ego to not being pulled back when looking for awakening, enlightenment or beyond. I have heard of some yogi's reaching an 'avatar' level/third tier spiral dynamics. I don't know whether this holds any truth or not, but I have a strong desire to see what's there out of curiosity. I truly wonder what beauty can be seen outside Plato's cave.

[Dlavjr]

Don't worry so much about ego and spiritual death and all of that if you're so new to the work. Focus on practicing personal development and self-love. 

Playing and modding games is fine, do it for passion if that's what you enjoy. The whole point of self actualization is to see what it is that you can offer this world and to explore your own existence with love and passion driving it. 

Don't listen to spiritual people with a stick up their ass, you don't need to sit around and do nothing all day to be awakened.