Please help!! Relationship issues

[MoonJade39]

Before I met my fiancee I ate super healthy, did yoga EVERYDAY in the woods whether it was snowy or not. I would meditate like a full time job and I was SO happy. I distinctly remember the awakening I had one day in the woods and I felt so at peace, so whole. I could have died right there. I didn't need anyone to fulfill me. I loved myself and that was more than enough. I enjoyed being alone so much. I have since I was a kid. But lately I feel afraid to die alone. I cannot for the life of me imagine a future with her thats not miserable, but when I imagine a life without her I feel scared and lonely and empty.

That is just one example of how I have changed since I've been with her. I've gained 75 pounds in the last 3 years. Not motivated at all to do anything I want. I now hate myself. I'm miserable. I've wanted to leave on and off for a couple of years but I am so terrified that she will kill herself... She doesn't straight up threaten it but she has had many past attempts. I know shes miserable. She doesn't have a job (hasn't for about a year now) im so behind and in debt my credit is ruined because of her. But I cant tell her its her fault. If I did she will fall down a deep well of self pity and self accusation and give me the silent treatment. I havent been able to really go into the woods and meditate peacefully since weve been together because anytime I choose to have alone time she sees it as I dont want to be around her. And quite frankly I dont.  Every morning I wake up excited to start a new day and its quickly dulled because if I get up when she isnt ready to get up and I leave her in bed she throws a huge fit and acts like I dont love her. If i stay in bed and try to relax I cant and she gets mad and yells at me for keeping her up??? Like wtf am I supposed to do... Ahes always getting mad at me no matter how hard I try. She doesnt respect my personal space and will pinch my nipples and squeeze me and tickle me even when I tell her no and when I blow up on her she tells me im being irrational and cant handle "joking around". I want to end it. Ive never been in such a toxic situation. How do I leave someone who has no family, no income, and no will to live? It breaks my heart and I still love her despite all of this but I cant stay with her. I know its her decision if she takes her life but how can I do that to someone I love? I wish there was a win win but there doesnt seem to be. Im sorry for such a long post as I tried to cram 3 years of history into it but any insight would be greatly appreciated! I just want to be happy again.

[Danioover9000]

   First of all, slow down and give yourself some time to reflect and process the feelings and emotions you're feeling. I'd start there first, before doing anything else.

[Chew211]

"How do I...?"

I suggest you bite the bullet and do it, and find out how to deal with it afterwards. 

This situation is unfitting for a self-respecting human being, and you know that. 

Once you break free, then you can get over your fear of dying alone. 

[Preety_India]

You need to break up with the person because it's toxic. 

 

[How to be wise]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

You need to break up with the person because it's toxic. 

 

Too quick to jump to that. All relationships have problems. You can’t just ‘reset’ all the time.

[Preety_India]

17 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

Too quick to jump to that. All relationships have problems. You can’t just ‘reset’ all the time.

The relationship that causes you to gain a weight 75 pounds should be broken immediately. 

 

[At awe]

@How to be wise

39 minutes ago, How to be wise said:

Too quick to jump to that. All relationships have problems. You can’t just ‘reset’ all the time.

Why wouldn’t you reset if the relationship is clearly dysfunctional?  

[How to be wise]

29 minutes ago, At awe said:

@How to be wise

Why wouldn’t you reset if the relationship is clearly dysfunctional?  

Or maybe you’re confusing ‘dysfunctional’ with ‘difficult.’ It could be either, which is why you should take preliminary steps first. Conversations are the best way. If your partner doesn’t want to talk, then you end it. 

[At awe]

@How to be wise Where is the line between difficult and dysfunctional? 

[RendHeaven]

Break up.

[men_up]

dude how would some one describe a disaster ?

[SamC]

Brake up. I know it's hard but the longer you stay the more you will suffer.

[Origins]

@MoonJade39 you may find my post recently made here useful y0

https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/60987-higher-sophistication-less-effort-the-patterns-of-humans-what-works-best/#comment-834118

see post just above it as well peace bra

[Roy]

Ultimately from every aspect you've described and hinted at in your post this relationship sounds like it's going to destroy you if it hasn't already, so logically it would be best to leave and I think you already know that @MoonJade39. Take some time to contemplate on this but do NOT put this off or fail to make a decision.

Yes it will also destroy her, but this will be temporary. It will provide her with the radical shock she needs to get her life in order and to actually live. Some of the things you've described about your credit card debt, her not getting up and trying to keep you in bed, the guilt tripping....... these are signs of someone who is desperately co-dependent. Maybe you have been able to heal and protect her to some extent in the relationship up until this point, but you can only do so much for a person before they MUST start helping themselves. You do not need to feel obligated to stick around if it is literally causing both of you to suffer, in fact it's a weakness on your part that you are perhaps so fearful of being alone you're willing to carry on something that you know if your heart needs to end. Do not ignore those signals from your higher self.

If you really love her consider the best thing you can do for her is to cut off that umbilical cord so she is forced to go it alone. You are worried that she will kill herself and that is a scary thought to have I know, because I have been through it myself, but through the haze of the emotion it's actually highly unlikely and a very convenient thing to say on her part to make you imagine the scenario and retreat into fear again. What you can do about this is provide her with some guidance, a few resources, and some basic ideas about what she can do as you separate (make sure you are gone for some time as you both process the future, being together after breaking the news can be highly toxic and open the decision to a reversal). Where can she go to stay after, friends, family? Where can she get a job? Are there any unemployment or welfare benefits she can get to survive? Where will you live? These logistics are the kinds of things you need to think about but only worry about them immediately AFTER you've broken up with her to help ease the pain and make it more real as you both move on.

You mentioned that it's not a win/win but actually I believe that's just because you're stuck in the thick of it right now and can't see. It's a win for her because she will finally start creating a life from the ashes of this, and a win for you because you will be free again from a toxic relationship that is hurting and weighing down your health, your wealth, and your happiness. Are all those massive sacrifices really worth it so you don't feel "lonely" and "empty", even though you were happy and fulfilled before you met her? 

I'll also add with blunt candor that this person you've described is your fiancee? That makes this somewhat of an emergency as the potential of your life is at stake here. I know you can't see it know but if you don't end this before the knot is tied and then decide while you're legally binded that you want to leave, she can absolutely FUCK you and essentially ruin your life making the misery you could experience magnitudes higher than what you're feeling now.

I wish you both all the best and I hope you have the strength for whatever path you choose.

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Roy

[Preety_India]

I say break up immediately. 

No more wasting time on such unhealthy things 

Time to take charge. 

 

Edited February 9, 2021 by Preety_India

[Nahm]

On 2/6/2021 at 5:00 PM, MoonJade39 said:

Before I met my fiancee I ate super healthy, did yoga EVERYDAY in the woods whether it was snowy or not. I would meditate like a full time job and I was SO happy. I distinctly remember the awakening I had one day in the woods and I felt so at peace, so whole. I could have died right there. I didn't need anyone to fulfill me. I loved myself and that was more than enough. I enjoyed being alone so much. I have since I was a kid. But lately I feel afraid to die alone. I cannot for the life of me imagine a future with her thats not miserable, but when I imagine a life without her I feel scared and lonely and empty.

Awesome that you experienced that awakening. It’s like seeing what life can be like with clarity, with no dirt on your lens. Now do the emotional ‘work’, clean the lens by understanding your emotions. I use quotations on “work” because it’s effortless, it’s letting go of what does not resonate.  

On 2/6/2021 at 5:00 PM, MoonJade39 said:

That is just one example of how I have changed since I've been with her. I've gained 75 pounds in the last 3 years. Not motivated at all to do anything I want. I now hate myself. I'm miserable. I've wanted to leave on and off for a couple of years but I am so terrified that she will kill herself... She doesn't straight up threaten it but she has had many past attempts. I know shes miserable. She doesn't have a job (hasn't for about a year now) im so behind and in debt my credit is ruined because of her. But I cant tell her its her fault. If I did she will fall down a deep well of self pity and self accusation and give me the silent treatment. I havent been able to really go into the woods and meditate peacefully since weve been together because anytime I choose to have alone time she sees it as I dont want to be around her. And quite frankly I dont.  Every morning I wake up excited to start a new day and its quickly dulled because if I get up when she isnt ready to get up and I leave her in bed she throws a huge fit and acts like I dont love her. If i stay in bed and try to relax I cant and she gets mad and yells at me for keeping her up??? Like wtf am I supposed to do... Ahes always getting mad at me no matter how hard I try. She doesnt respect my personal space and will pinch my nipples and squeeze me and tickle me even when I tell her no and when I blow up on her she tells me im being irrational and cant handle "joking around". I want to end it. Ive never been in such a toxic situation. How do I leave someone who has no family, no income, and no will to live? It breaks my heart and I still love her despite all of this but I cant stay with her. I know its her decision if she takes her life but how can I do that to someone I love? I wish there was a win win but there doesnt seem to be. Im sorry for such a long post as I tried to cram 3 years of history into it but any insight would be greatly appreciated! I just want to be happy again.

The only relationship occurring is the one between you & You, you experiencing and You, the source of it all. 

Stop making how you feel about anyone else!!

Five minutes of reading and you will see & feel This clearly. 

Having An Inner Smile

Emotional Awareness.

Equanimity

Pay attention to what you’re thinking, and how it feels. ☺️

Awareness Of Thoughts

Be aware of how thinking ‘pulls you back in’, and change the thinking! Thinking is The Hook! I ain’t tellin you no lie! 

 

 

[men_up]

On 2/8/2021 at 11:04 PM, men_up said:

dude how would some one describe a disaster ?

although yo might want to stay away from attachment. these are some of the attachment styles and the ways you can stay clear form them is also stated . hopefully this will help you get passed this