Long post about my dark night.

[Tarzan]

I've thought about posting about my experiences with 5MeO, kriya, and heck, my whole journey for awhile now. Usually when there's an inclination to share my thoughts I just contemplate what I expect people to reply and then whatever was behind the intention to post dissolves. Some difficult times atm and I am a crossroads and feel like there has to be some change, I have my intuition but would like some outside perspective. English isn't my first language, and my ability to express myself isn't great aswell - I fly all over the place, you can let me know where to clarify myself. Don't even know where to begin so I'll just share everything.

I'll try to concentrate everything into one paragraph and follow it up with separate posts: My journey in a nutshell - 6 year old me becomes self-aware, but doesn't take self-awareness for granted. Puberty with shit social life, didn't relate well with others at all and didn't fit it, but good grades, parents brake up, existential depression with video games and other distractions. Question of existence keeps popping a few times with lots of confusion. Fast forward to university - acid trip - awakening experience - discover actualized.org, learn about enlightenment, psychedelics, 5MeO, meditation. Now self-actualizing and on the path towards Truth (caps T ofc) - practices kriya, trips acid, now 5MeO. Feel intention to focus more time and energy on enlightenment and Life Purpose course. Massive progress with kriya and some progress with LP course, but also with massive side effects that have culminated in, I guess, a major ego backlash or dark night, or both.

[Tarzan]

I'll write about my experiences with 5meo and kriya, and baseline daytime changes in awareness. My first trip was in the beginning of September followed by another one 3 weeks later that was a breakthrough.

15 mg  was extraordinary, utterly amazing, but felt not like a breakthrough. But still, a strong sense of 'wow', 'how the fuck', and the like. Falling asleep I had recurring events  when I started to fall asleep at night that mirrored the peak of the experience, my visual field got very white. I should also mention that some days I used melatonin to help adjust sleep schedule when it felt I wanted to wake up earlier than usual or to re-adjust to an earlier time-schedule. Melatonin for sure has a potentiating effect for me on these recurring events that mimic 5MeO peaks.

As for my consciousness level during the first week I didn't feel much of a difference, but somewhere during the 2nd week after my trip I started noticing something weird  and new during kriya pranayama - I felt as though my arms started to grow apart, like there was huge distance between them, at the same time not really feeling my body, almost like it was super silent, and diffuse. I was aware of the progression described in Ingram's MCTB from effortful one-pointedness, effortless one-pointedness, to diffuse peripheral attention and later a synthesis of both. I felt prana moving but weakly, and sometimes I feel that I am not moving anything at all but my 'intentionality' along my spine. I also noticed a shift in consciousness during my daily activities when walking around, commuting etc, aware of awareness, like a lightless light and I guess this is where self-inquiry points towards? On some mornings after waking up during the first weeks I struggled to kickstart my day, journal-meditate-go-to-gym-to-study etc and would just sit at my computer listening to music videos, and there was this utter astonishment that anything like this was possible, profound, painful gratitude and disbelief, like the fact that anything at all is, is too much for me, I would basically just listen to music eyes wide-opened and cry in disbelief. I didn't like it since I had other plans (I as in me, the ego) for the day than to sit and do nothing but be.

18 mg felt very silent at first, was still in a fractal space, but felt very detached. After some time when the peak started to arrive there was a sense of 'lol, this is crazy, undescribably insane, and how insane can this go?' and a concentration into one point, and I remember that there was a falling sensation and it was very white aswell. It felt like nothingness, 'undefined'ness. It was a long time ago now, I don't really have adequate words for it. I remembered as I was 'falling' I began an extremely loud moan, like holy shit here I come! Pretty much an existential orgasm lol. After the peak though immediately fear, confusion, and a sense of 'holy shit, I think I'm in hell and I can't even imagine the terror and pain I am going to go through', and then idk, it seemed like I began to 'chase' after something, I started to vocalize words that didn't mean anything, but were astonishing all the same, it kept me curious, and distracted, which I felt like I needed to keep me away from the intense feeling of fear. After sometime of this I was back to ordinary state, but really fucking disturbed to the latter part of the trip, disturbed but equanimous at the same time, like whatever, that was an interesting turn of events. It was also very interesting how fast and how abrubtly ignorance set in after the peak and I was completely confused as to what the peak experience was. Looking back at it, I was still aware of this existential terror, but pushed it far away and was in denial of what it meant, I didn't understand it anymore.

I read SantataGamanas books on Kriya and Kundalini and started to adopt his simpler pranayama along with breath retention practice and kriya bow aswell as maha mudra. My practice consisted of breath retention practice (avg 60-90s), kriya bow, maha mudra 3x, pranayama (108 reps at first, later dropped to 72 and 36) and yoni mudra and also being in the after poise for however I felt like. I should also say that my technique was more organic-inner guru than doing everything specifically correct. for example during pranayama I would feel like I want to focus on crown chakra for some time and then follow up on third eye again for the remainder and felt a difference. It's as if focusing on third eye had more of an emptiness-nothingness feel to it, while focusing on crown was very white - energetic, and orgasmic in a calm and peaceful way.

This is where I stepped into some freaky and spooky territory and started having strange experiences. When going by my day, aware of awareness, sometimes it felt very expansive, enormous, peaceful, full of joy but equanimous. Like my field of experiences was filled with a blazing lightless light. It lasted how long it lasted until I fell back to usual consciousness. It seemed as though my kriya experience took off in its own directions aswell, I remember once when I felt really horny and was curious and focused in on this during pranayama and yoni mudra and felt really fucking evil, like I would fuck, destroy, and do anything to get what I wanted to, whatever it was (scary as fuck, but I enjoyed it). Another time I managed to experience samadhi. Walls crushing the objects in my field of consciousness and sense of self together, whatever 'I' was disappeared, best way to describe that was that 'I' simply wasn't there, or that everything was 'I', like everywhere where you looked, heard, felt, was a mirror reflecting 'me'. The freakiest experience was a few months ago during yoni mudra out-breath when it was as if I started 'falling into nothing', very reminiscent of 5MeO experience.

Also some dreams felt like awakenings, the first time it happened there was a sudden surge of fear and terror with immediately waking up to it, but I soon realized what had 'happened' and shrugged it off laughingly. In another dream I was riding my bike along a beach balcony or something an had the same shift of consciousness, but this time I let go of my bike and fell arms wide as the dream collapsed into me, kind of like a wall would accelerate and smash into you. Also a dream of me chasing a volleyball I accidentally kicked into the forest, only that the volleyball never seemed to be where I thought it would be. I mean like looking back at these dreams they seem so cartoonishly obvious as to what they point towards lol, at the time I dreamed they seemed very serious.

It's not all sunshine though. Some days were quite up-and-down aswell, after kriya session sometimes it took a while to readjust to whatever I had planned for the day. Work, even just cooking food, talking to other people felt really shit, I would feel like doing absolutely nothing during the day. And it was noticeable as people commented on my state. Other days I felt super resistant to doing kriya but pushed myself into it and usually would feel great afterwards.

The last two months though have been especially difficult. Some days I felt really fatigued psychologically after gym and kriya session that I basically did nothing but procrastinate on it. I have a low effort job connected to my Master's thesis that covered my basic financial needs and saved some aswell, but it felt like it didn't matter if I showed up at all or did anything at all. Going there and doing anything, talking with anyone around there felt psychologically fatiguing. I did LP course aswell during the months and managed to get some success and insight about myself, and what I wanted to do, though it got more-and-more difficult to focus on figuring out my desires, and do the exercises. I've followed up on everything except vision board, I am not sure anymore whether or not I feel resistant to it, or that my goals and desires feel meaningless, even though. I also feel like my me-sheet was adequate, but still not quite right.

[Tarzan]

It's pretty bad at times, very strong need to change, but with absolutely no clarity as to where. Turns into meaninglessness beyond anything I've experienced yet. Suicidal ideation (been a theme throughout my life, but usually passive, meaning I have never actively pursued it, but right now I've actively thought about how to do it, but not yet taken any action towards it). Some days I'm basically handicapped. Also took a break from Master's program for 1 year, but that's okay. Right now work on LP course pointed that my domain is personal dev, but specifically where idk yet - my best progress has been in fitness and nutrition, most passionate and interested about enlightenment and spirituality. Figured I should give a try becoming a PT and see whether or not a 1-1 coaching medium fits for me, and if the domain itself fits and grows onto me, and that's the main reason to move cities for me (bigger city and better market). I like working out, and focusing on phsycial health and aesthetics, but at the same time it feels meaningless compared to other things like emotional and spiritual lines of development. My top priority is enlightenment, but most of time I've kept a balance between self-actualization and enlightenment. Lately, though, with dark night and etc I feel as though nothing else matters other than enlightenment work, and that I should structure my lfiestyle with it - basically a monk/hermit lifestyle, turning my life into an enlightenment retreat for as long as it feels necessary. And when it gets worth even that doesn't matter anymore.

Just holy fuck, how in the hell do I balance enlightenment with everything else. It's a full time job. If I seriously want to pursue enlightenment it feels like everything else has to stand aside, there's a strong inclination to just take the red pill, not half ass, nuke my life and come what may. But then there's the perspective that this is a trap, and a 'middle path' approach actually works best, an integrated life, focusing on all lines - Life Purpose, Interpersonal, Spiritual etc. I will ponder on this more-so, but feel like I value Truth too much to care about other lines of development. At a crossroads.

[Tarzan]

Fyi I wrote those paragraphs like a month ago without posting, lol. Right now I'm doing a lot better, I started to 'vent' or share parts of this to people, being more open about it, and began to restart some habits I dropped for some time (basically all I did some days was just distract myself with yt, streams, etc). Kriya again slowly (from 3x maha mudra - 12 pranayama - followed by self-inquiry-contemplation (intuitive 'feeling' investigation)) to now 2x45min (36 pranayamas) and I feel a lot better at times, but still some disturbing times aswell.

I remember like two days ago when I was asleep dreaming, whatever the dream was about, Frank Yang's character appeared and I guess I 'remembered' 5meo trip as suddenly it felt like I was tripping on it, borderline breakthrough, that was pretty wtf. Some periods I am filled with eternal gratitude with everything, just a few days ago before sleep this was so strong I felt like I could love everything, last night during my evening kriya before sleep I tried to force myself to do the session while crying, with intense sadness and confusion, I have never felt this intense sadness in my life. It felt like I knew within my bones that all my dreams and desires are 'dead' and I was going to hell, there was no escape, the only thing to do is to accept this fully, I cried through my eyes and my mouth, but it felt strangely 'pleasant', maybe beautiful in a very depressing way, in a falling-into-the-abyss kind of way. But today is a new day and I'm feeling better than ever, an even stronger taste of 'no-self'.

Thanks for reading, If you guys have any insights about me then I appreciate whatever you write back.

[Moksha]

Hell is the iron maiden of the mind. 

So, let go of the mind and embrace heaven.

[Tarzan]

@Moksha Balancing letting go of the mind and survival / self-actualization is a challenge

[Moksha]

25 minutes ago, Tarzan said:

@Moksha Balancing letting go of the mind and survival / self-actualization is a challenge

It's more synchronous than you might think. Living Consciously not only reduces suffering, but it greatly refines surviving. Your mind is more clear, your words more concise, and your deliverables are of higher quality. Doesn't matter if you are a musician, a scientist, or a carpenter; anything you do becomes better when it is born out of presence.

[Tarzan]

I don't know, it feels more unstable and bipolar in a sense. Highs-lows. And last few months I've been going through an existential crisis - ego backlash - dark night. I guess there's light at the end of tunnel and I am slowly starting to see that. I guess periods like this are expected at some point, such an emotional rollercoaster...

[Moksha]

41 minutes ago, Tarzan said:

I don't know, it feels more unstable and bipolar in a sense. Highs-lows. And last few months I've been going through an existential crisis - ego backlash - dark night. I guess there's light at the end of tunnel and I am slowly starting to see that. I guess periods like this are expected at some point, such an emotional rollercoaster...

It's all about vigilance. Don't let the ego out of your sight. It is always stalking, in the grass, looking for the moment when you are distracted, so it can strike. Realize that the ego will never give you peace. It is your worst enemy. It knows every weakness, and it preys on you relentlessly. Defeat it by loving it. See it for what it is. Be the light that you are. The ego is only a shadow, and it can't stand up to You.