I hate myself for considering murder

[trenton]

I have suicidal thoughts related to a difficult situation I used to be in.  After my grandfather died, my step father moved in.  He was abusive for about 5 years before finally being evicted.  My money was stolen, he punched mom in the face yelling "stupid fucking whore," and destroyed the house.

Meanwhile, mom blew money on drugs and lied to all of her children constantly.  She told me to stay out of everything that was happening and focus on myself.  She told me that there was nothing I could do, but I refused to accept what would continue had I done nothing.  I did not listen to her because I did not my step father to hurt her.  She tried calling the police multiple times and they did nothing.

While considering suicide, I sometimes told myself "I don't care.". I recognized that these words were not congruent with my actions because I acted like I cared about the safety of my family.  By recognizing that this was a lie, I was unable to convince myself to kill myself.

I continue to have suicidal thoughts because of how I handled this difficult situation.  I felt that I was powerless, but refused to accept the situation.  I now have thoughts of killing myself because in the process I became addicted to anger.  I told myself I should hold onto it because there is otherwise nothing I can do.  I hurt myself a lot in the process.  When directing this anger toward my step father I considering killing him or myself.  I noticed that my thoughts stopped making sense when considering killing him.  This is similar to murderers whose motives can't be understood because they sound perplexing when explaining What they were thinking.  This could be a consequence of lying.

What happened actually is that I moved out of the house and in with my grandma where I live today.  I then made a power point presentation for language studies.  I explained everything I had planned and the entire situation at home.  I did this because I knew that my mom and sister could still be hurt if I did nothing.  I put the subtitles in English and translated it Spanish for about 100 people from many different language courses.  My older sister thinks I'm inconsiderate because my younger sister continued going to school with everybody knowing what was happening in her house.  I knew I could not calculate all of the consequences of my actions, so I followed my intuition.  If mom is forced to be checked for drugs, the situation at home can't be kept out of the courts forever.  My society would have the power to change the situation and potentially prevent my family from being hurt anymore.  Eventually my step father was evicted and more students at school started writing about domestic violence.

How should I approach the strong emotions surrounding this situation?  I am having a lot of strong reactions during my meditations and I have a hard time handling them.  "I hate myself" is still a repeating thought.  I don't feel like changing the situation made me happier.

[snowyowl]

Sorry to hear you're going through all this, I totally sympathise as I can recognise some of your story in my life too. You're the innocent victim of domestic abuse and violence, your feelings of anger, suicide etc are the result of the trauma you experienced. My advice is to seek professional help, it sounds too intense to deal with by yourself. If necessary, your family owe it to you to pay for it too. 

[trenton]

@snowyowl I am talking to a professional every Monday.  I write about things that could cause suicidal thoughts.  This site has also been helpful in many other emotional problems.  The combination has made my suicidal thoughts slow down.  Thank you and the others on this site for their help.

[Javfly33]

What really means for you 'hating yourself'?

 

[Florian]

@trenton Yesterday a lot of anger from abuse in my past came to me suddenly, not randomly but the why is not important here, and I sat in a chair in my room alone at night and could barely breath cause my muscles in my belly were so tense and my face started to hurt cause I couldnt stop tensing my muscles in my face either. I thought maybe I can't get rid of my anger ever and I will end up killing myself sooner or later.

Luckily I knew about forgivness from Leos video and read some books about emotions and letting go so I was constantly trying to use these techniques but it was so fcking hard and I just couldnt forgive but after some time it got so intense and I connected the dots, like I am the same like the person who abused me, in the way that I am also selfish and ignorant and I just have another background and that this is life and the world is not fair but it is what it is and I was able to have some mercy for myself and the one who abused me and I noticed that I can hold on to this anger but I will always be little powerless me and if I am able to forgive, I grow and become more of my higher self and that also helped me forgive more.

In my case it was a very ignorant and narcistic mother who completly fucked me up emotionally and put so much shame in me about myself that I couldnt have any kind of success (in any aspect) in my life or really enjoy anything if I had some kind of little success and I think I will still have to fight with that in the future but yesterday I learned that the only way to truly grow out of such situations is propably consiousness and forgiveness and I was able to at least let go of some of this shit. 

So what I am trying to tell you is that you will have to face all this and truly grow bigger then it and only then you won this battle. But you will have to REALLY face it and maybe for you it is a lot more then for me and it might be a lot harder and you CAN lose but you also CAN win and if you win you get rewarded by true emotional peace and freedom.

Leo's video about forgiveness helped me and can propably help you a lot as well. Breathing also helped me as well as the letting go techniques from the book The Sedona Methode. You can check all this out and hopefully it helps you with your situation. 

 

[Preety_India]

You will need to work on abuse and trauma healing 

 

 

[BipolarGrowth]

Hating yourself rarely ever does any good. How I personally have self-love even when I’ve had homicidal thoughts is to develop an understanding of myself. What led me there? What was the chain of events that specifically made me have those thoughts? How much of that was actually under my control? Is a mental illness playing a large role in these thoughts? 
 

I personally have developed to a point where I generally don’t judge anyone for any “wrong” or “evil” action. There are clear things that led that person to act that way. Figure out what makes you do the things that lead you to hate yourself, and give yourself sympathy. You know that you’ve been trying to do what you can for this whole life, so pay attention to that truth. There’s no need to judge when you can see the clear cause and effect of the situation. 

[trenton]

@Javfly33 good question.  This is harder than I thought.

Hating myself either means I am disgusted with my past motives of I dislike the trajectory of my life given a current pattern.  This pattern can include hating myself as a counter productive active.

A major component of hating myself is a failure to live up to my ideals of who I should be.  I don't like it when I engage in petty squabbles in which I try to get people to see my way because it benefits me.  It sounds like I think I'm supposed to be peaceful and self aware enough to not shift the blame to other people.  Some of this formed because I thought my family was a terrible example for me when I was a child and I didn't want to be like them.

I also think that my life should be more significant than it actually is.  When I see myself as insignificant, it can lead to suicidal thoughts if I don't matter and my talents are completely under utilized.  If I am unable to prove myself worthy in my own eyes then I hate myself.  This is supposed to stop me from getting comfortable with mediocrity.  In this way hatred is supposed to be good.

So far im better off without it.

[trenton]

@BipolarGrowth I had a very limited control over the situation described.  The only thing I could have done was call the police on my mother, father, or step father.  Without that I could barely do anything without resorting to convoluted plans which set off a series of reactions ultimately benefiting the family.

As for metal illness, I try to stay away from this topic because this website does not want to see it.  Since it may be relevant here, I am on the functional end of autism spectrum disorder.  I am also taking anxiety pills which my doctor said is probably linked to racing thoughts and autism.

I usually avoid judging others harshly.  I don't apply this to myself because I want myself to be better.

[Nahm]

@trenton

Is there anything more valued, anything that you feel or believe you want more, than to feel great? 

[BipolarGrowth]

@trenton It’s good to want to improve, but hating yourself will likely never help more with that than it hurts in the long run. Try to focus on things you want to change while simultaneously giving compassion and understanding to yourself for not being there yet. If you ever want someone to talk to the more heavy aspects of mental health that aren’t much discussed on here, feel free to shoot me a message on here, and we can try a call or something if you want.