Growth And Intimacy With Primal Loss

[Salaam]

I seem to have a strong distrust of power and greatness. I feel the limitation and pitfalls behind them... behind my reactions to them... but, I feel my rejection is because I know there is another way, another version of those two things that comes instead from this core of who I am, deep inside me.

It seems to be the case that uncovering those other versions will be the current focus of my next growth pattern... maybe.

It's kind of fitting because, my soul has been grinding against so much loss and pain. It's been very hard for me, but I gain so many precious things when I make it out the other side. I liken it to opening up Pandora's box and enduring everything that comes out in order to find that precious wisp of hope underneath it all.

Everyday, I've opened that box and endured. And now I have such an intimate connection with what is for me, the raw primal feeling of loss. I feel it personally with every death and disability, every flaw I come across, see, or read about. It's mixed into everything, every bit of pain, every time I look in the mirror and see my face, every time I look inside and see my soul, and every time I look outside and see this brutally beautiful world I've been born in. There is an ocean of loss that hurts so deeply, and as far as I can see it spans the breadth of the universe.

We're almost friends now, me and loss, but I know better than to truly believe that. My scars and wounds are too fresh. I am only in this position, because of all that is inside me, that endured being buried over and over again, and somehow found a way to respond and adapt and get back on it's feet in the face of such a massive force of nature.

Loss, scarcity, death, pain... the wasteland. I am blessed and incredibly thankful to have experienced that even in the depths of such things, my soul can adapt and respond and build who I am.

I'm incredibly thankful for the way such pain matures me. Burning and flaying away shallow numbness, hollow allure, and false glories, while bringing me closer to the fires of reality. I hate it too of course, and how it can get so bad I want to die. But... not so much right now. I'm on the other side of this threshold's intensity of loss, so my heart and character can wrap around it and breathe without being consumed.

I guess I get to do the same thing now with abundance, power, and greatness, which will have it's own unique pattern and Lazarus curve that will mature and change me as my soul flows in response. And then somewhere along the line I'll do it over again for a new threshold level of loss... coils of the pattern repeating and building on top of itself, over and over again till I get to insane level environments, that I refuse to let myself think about too deeply (for self-protection).

Who knows? Either way, I'm thankful and more deeply connected to the substance of who I am, than I've ever been.

I guess what I'm truly most grateful for, is having imprinted inside me from the force of all this pain, this deep abiding trust and inclination to endure and face these things with the core of my soul. To even know what that means, let alone actually do it, is something I never would have known if I didn't open those boxes and doors along this long hard road.

I touch and am taught by both sides of this world. The light and the dark, the brutal and beautiful, the oasis and the wasteland.