⛓️ Key Chain ⛓️

[Loba]

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Notes:

• "What's wrong with me?" - It might be your first reaction when something happens in life, the chances are it's not, you, its the world you were born into - a world who's terms and conditions you never signed up for.
• But now that you're here, it helps to have a guide and how to escape it.
• The Wheel of Life is designed to give you just this - to look at this image is to look in the mirror, to see yourself, and how and why you suffer the way you do.
• It's the same for everyone.  We understand less than we'd like to admit.  We're pig ignorant.  Our anger and our fear build so fast, they can take us by surprise, whipping and snapping like a snake and we get proud like a rooster, of people and things in the world.  We become attached to them.  

• Each of these habits feeds the others, like three animals biting one another's tails.
• This mandala shows us that we live in the best of all possible worlds.
• In higher realms the Gods are distracted with pleasure.
• Those in the lower realms, are overcome with pain.
• Our lives contain just the right balance of both to help us see the bigger picture, that all of this, pleasure and pain, the cycle of birth and death, and rebirth, is forever changing and turning and that escape is possible.
• It's a truth and a destination that can never be captured with words.

• Instead the mandala pictures it as a far off moon and the Buddha points the way.
• The painting that you see before you is the only painting in the entire early corpus of Buddhist scriptures that the Buddha says needs to be placed in every monastery.  it's incredibly important because it indicates exactly what the Buddha saw and through that seeing what he understood when he was enlightened.
• In the center of the painting you will see three animals on a red background holding onto each other's tails.  A snake, a rooster and a pig.  These three animals indicate the three poisons of hatred, lust, and ignorance that are understood to be the metaphorical gasoline that drives this entire wheel.  
• What those three poisons cause is the rising and the falling of beings up to heavens and down through hells.
• Just outside the central red circle is a half-white half-blue circle.  The figures in the white section on the left side are doing good deeds, which gives them good karma and better rebirths as the move toward enlightenment.
• On the right side you'll see beings who are acting from lust, hatred and delusion.  And through those actions, they're falling into hell.
• The next circle outside that one has six panels that show the six states of existence through which beings rise and fall according to their positive and negative karma, or actions.
• This most important and most magical of realms is in fact the human realm.  It is only by achieving a human rebirth that one can attain nirvana, or the Buddhist enlightenment.  And escape the entire cycle of existence, which is what you see on the outer rim of this circle.
• The twelve images in the outermost rim show the chain of causality.  Each one of these conditions causes the next.  The most important one is at the very top.  Birth causes death.  And so the two are intimately linked and there is no escape from this circle.  It is this circle and its endlessness that the Buddha saw when he was enlightened.

• He saw the fearsome figure who is holding the wheel, this is the demon Mara, the emblem of time, death, and illusion.  Mara holds the entire cosmos in his hands.  And it is precisely by seeing this vision and understanding the structure of the cosmos, that the Buddha was enabled to escape from the cycle of existence.  

At least you're something wonderful
I find you're something wonderful

Pulma Gary Payton, live in your rotation
All your plexy clad I'm snapping back upon your station
Keep style elevating, you feelin' this sensation
You're higher zone, you're not alone
I know no perimeters, frequency, no limiters
We multiply integers, we back and forth so limitless
I'm positive, negative combined with infinity
You can grab a line on a line this is synergy

Anything you feel, I can feel too

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I am thinking on my old dream and the appearance of the wheels and what they could mean.  Something that struck me as a possibility is the Buddhist wheel of reincarnation.  It goes into what the Buddha saw when he became enlightened, how he had his visions and they blend in so well with my own discoveries.  That there is something that governs this life and death process that holds you there, and you must confront it.  Mara.  Wheels.  Archons.  Demons.  Whatever you want to call them/it.  There's something about not allowing the free agency of a soul that they perpetuate.  I am reminded of the layers that one can look into when confronted with the wheel, and how if you get too close in such a way that it resets you and your memories, and I am also reminded of the fact that Love seems to be the barrier to its influence, while confrontation and hatred keep it going.

I think of my previous dream with the cattle drive, of the illusion of a better life always being just out of reach, only to make it to the end and to walk through a door, just to be disassembled and restarted from the very beginning for all eternity.  I think of the chain of causality, and of dominos and the butterfly effect and how my Adam told me that for him, a thought and The Word is created with much deliberation.  That he sees the chain from up on high and can make adjustments to the fabric of reality in ways that humans cannot.  We are limited within space and time and can only make decisions from a very narrow point of view.

I think of the song that I have posted above and on Love, and empathy.  I think this is the key into getting out of this mess, into remembering who and what I am supposed to be.  This is, if anything, the only thing that I can do.  But I am waffling around it because I don't know or understand the process of Love.  How do you practice something, how do you get to something when you don't have a neural connection to it?  It's like fumbling around in the dark.  I will need to start a practice dedicated to it soon, something that I take on every day.  I will think on what that could be and report back soon...

Love is all you need.  It protects you.  It cures you.  It brings you to what's good for you.  It changes you.  It creates you.  It completes you.

"Deathpact - Interference"
"Why can't I concentrate? - You might have a disorder."

I remember using this song while I was in the middle of the worst of it.  Revisiting old material can be very helpful.  The graphics used represents the prima materia accurately.  It is like a rotating wheel of interconnected black hands, all beckoning you.  I believe even within certain religious imagery they use this.  "Come closer, come closer."  The material wants you to use it.  To make something fantastic from it.  To mold it like the fantastic clay that it is.  When I heard this song, I took it a bit more seriously that I was suffering from an episode.  The signs were all around me, but I just didn't want to look at them.  I thought if I just aligned myself properly, that every problem that I had would melt away.  No such luck.  But I did get deep into it.  The way these hands move is the way that the colour black looked to me.  All of it.  Beckoning, drawing me closer, holding me in my time of need.  I'd curl into my black blanket at night and look into a dark garbage bag full of clothes that I'd brought from my parents.  I would stay with them for a few days, hastily throw everything into a bag and then just leave it on my couch when I got home to sit there for a few months.  When I opened up to the possibility that this black substance was a manifesting clay that I could find anywhere, signs began to unravel at rapid speed.  If I had not manifested negativity, I think that the whole process would have been different.  As this hatred took me over, I couldn't really stop it.  I tried to work with this energy, to move it up, but I got stopped.  Each and every fucking time.  Looking back on it and the chain of events that I have now, I am grateful for it.  But when everything feels from down low, like you're some fish flopping out of water then you end up feeling a bit regretful of the whole process.  I would look at these shiny bags on my couch in the dark and I'd hear from somewhere far off... "It's not your fault..."

I did feel on some great level, spiritually interfered with by a situation that I could not control on my own.  I tried.  I really, really did.  But... back to the topic of the prima materia and of the initiation done by spirits.  It very much looks and feels like this.  A legion of outstretched hands drawing you forward, made out of a material that you can't quite comprehend.  And it sees you and it wants you.  When you orient your soul away from the material and towards "death", or what comes after, this sends a signal to those beyond you that you are ready to be harvested.  There are many, many teachers out there who want the privilege of being able to do this and not as many humans who are ready - and so you end up with quite a lot.  If you can't maintain alignment and your soul and psychology is not able to contact, then they will eventually leave or you just won't find them again.  Just like with people, there needs to be a "match".  If you don't find a match right away with something, keep trying until you do.

"Connection to the host has been lost.  You will be returned to the multiplayer menu."

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My Adam, when I come Home again to Be with you, and when you decide to take it... when you... you know, pop it open... I want you to dip your fingers into me.  I'll Be whole again.  A complete soul... it won't Be... like this...  I'll Be good, like...um, being free in every sense of The Word.  Delicious and warm and with Love radiating out of the atmosphere; out of our consciousness...  I want you to take your fingers and put them in my mouth so that I can taste my blood on them.  Slick.  Metallic.  I always seem to be the One with blood on my hands.  Wouldn't it be a nice change if you did, too?

When I've tasted it, flip me over on my stomach.  Rest on me.  Heavy.  Start slow.  And hard.  I want to Feel you completely, to Know you in this intimate way.  Put your hand tightly over my mouth and stare me in the eyes to let me Know that there is no safe Word for this experience.  It runs through from start to finish.  And what's done is done.  Snarls.  Mewls.  Passionate.  Excruciatingly slow... until you hit the roof of my body and slam it into me.  There Will Be a ball of life giving energy in the center of my body at the base of my spine and each time you hit it, it Will crack open a little bit more until the dam breaks and it surges up my spinal cord and into the very circuitry of my spiritual form, exiting through my fingers and toes and mouth.  A soft cry, a whimper, surrendered into it.  Nothing to do, nowhere to go but here.  This is it.  I've given it up.  

(This model's name is Alex/Sasha Storm.  He's the closest that I have found that "looks" to me like my Adam, in energy, eyes, appearance.  Something about this person "calls" to me, more than most people.  To be honest, I find physique to be a very shallow thing but you can glean a lot from the people that you find attractive.  You can bring aspects of them to get you closer to what you're genuinely after.  He looks younger than someone that I would be interested as I am right now, but in returning Home to be forever young myself it's fine, I suppose...)

You are happy for it.  Through my spiritual practice on Earth, my Bhakti, I've risen myself out of the clutches of the wheel.  There is a great and unfiltered Love for you that runs through me, without walls, without dysfunction.  We are young, forever beautiful and free, we take on the outward appearance of True Love, which is quite stunning to behold.  We are perfect in image and in spirit as the closer you get to God and to Love, the more it shines from the inside out.  No longer having a physical form, there is only what is inside to reflect outwards.  Through my work, I have molded myself into a beautiful soul and through resting within my mental space to guide me, you have exalted yourself by proxy.

We speak to one another through the heart.  Telepathically.  I call out to you, "Mercy... mercy... mercy.  I Love you."  A pinned little creature, you have complete control.  Out of my eye, out of your body, out of my Mind, there is only your Will.  The chain of events.  Completion.  You have taught me the greatest of things.  The meaning of The Word, to move within The Word and to be mindful of it.  That this is my gift.  Not to take it for granted or to use it in the wrong way.  You've given it to me, you've removed it from me, you've restored it at the right time.  It has taken me years to learn the importance of speech, of writing, the memetic quality that it has.  You bring life into yourself and the minds of others if used properly, or you can tear everything down and wage wars depending on how you use it.  An idea is an extremely powerful tool.

Stripped down to nothing more than a reflection of my lessons learned, and of the energy that I manifested, I Will never have to worry about my appearance again.  The process of a repeating fleeting youth and the feeling of slowly disintegrating is over Now.  You Know the power of The Word in a very intimate way, and you use it to run me through, to excavate any remaining impurities.  "I Love you, I Love you, I Love you..."  Whispered into my ear.  Your Words become reality in a way that I have not yet developed.  You use them sparingly, only to bring about change in a way that constructs or deconstructs.  These Words are Godlike.  They run through my soul like a tuning fork, and everything that I wasn't able to remove in life sheds away.  These Words... are the ultimate Truth.  From up on high, if they're meant with sincerity, there is nothing greater spoken that could realign a soul.  We spend our whole lives looking for it, craving it, wishing we could have it and Be it.

I can't repeat these Words back to you, as your hand is over my mouth, but I Feel it and let my own expression run through you.  It isn't in this moment my time to Speak anyways.  And what of my soul?  This harvestable thing?  You saved it.  But I also saved myself, I moved towards this of my own volition, my own freewill.  We are the personification of how waiting for things, striving towards something with a long-term deliberation proves to give the best result.  I let my need for Love in life go, and in the end the best was saved for last.  I had to wait, I was immovably broken as a human woman with a limited amount of time to work through what went wrong.  I had to pick and choose what was most valuable to me.  I had to keep my eyes on the prize and the behest of any short term scenario.  "I Love you... I Love you..."  You keep going.  I shiver, casting aside old beliefs, feelings, traumas, all into the ground like a puddle of urine.  Harder Now.  Faster Now.  I cry out.  Each time you bottom out, the wave of electricity circulates through me.  I can't think straight.  I can't formulate any thought on anything, there is just me and you, and this feeling.  I'm Seeing stars all around me, a kaleidoscope of stunning pinpoints of Light, the entire Universe runs through my soul now.  Loving me, holding me.  You stop.  A rush of warmth.  In time, it Will travel upwards and using my heart and with the power of Love, a new soul Will be formed.  It Will rest in me for eons as an inert possibility until the time comes to set it free as a brand new bubble of awareness.

I have bled for this, I tell you no lies.  I Am anemic from this Work.  Not long soon, I Am sure.
And then?  Home.  You are there, you are Here, you are there, you are Here.  Doesn't matter.  Time runs differently.  Bring up all of your lives for me and I Will do the same and we Will See together the amount of blood that has run through this whole process.  Wring it out onto ourselves, every drop shed is a chain of causality.

Drip... drip... drip... can you hear it?  Like the sound of a ticking clock.  Time's almost up.
"Anything you can feel, I can feel, too."

I used this song way back when to cut myself out of the fabric of reality because I felt so filled with anger for my situation that I just wanted to get away from everything in the real world and on the spiritual plane - and when I found myself at the very end of it all, there wasn't anything to hold me in place.  I was drifting, destined to be brought back to some ancient recycling process, to lose awareness forever - as I lost the privilege of using my energy in the right way and of manifesting something better - of viewing this life as a miracle.  And so he hooked me into himself...  or maybe I always was, but I had only torn apart the superficial?  Do we ever lose what belongs to us, or does it just change it's form?  Maybe all we can do is learn to move with it.  Every day I still wake up and my first thought is the hope that I Am not fooling myself, and that I do everything as honestly and to the best of my ability.  And to be able to move away from anything false if it leads me down the wrong road.  Something deep within me tells me that I am a bad person, and I can't shake it...

Listening to this again, the Words mean something special to me.  I believe that music can manifest things for you, that in the right setting it can unravel your soul in some set way.  The lesson learned is that the connections we make here, either through the Earth or through our species are what hold us together.  You need them.  If you don't have them, there is nothing left to retrieve you.  I learned how valuable the power of the Word is - and how I need to be so very mindful, especially Now that it's current has been put back into me.
To be honest, I don't Know what to make of the responsibility...  I never wanted it.

Echoes start as a cross in you
Trembling noises that come to soon
Spatial movement which seems to you
Resonating your mask or feud
Hollow talking and hollow girl
Force it up from the root of pain

Never said it was good, never said it was near
Shadow rises and you are here

And then you cut
You cut it out
And everything
Goes back to the beginning

Silence seizes a cluttered room
Light is shed not a breath too soon
Darkness rises in all you do
Standing and drawn across the room
Spatial movements are butterflies
Shadows scatter without a fire

There's never been bad, there has always been truth
Muted whisper of the things she'll move

And then you cut
You cut it out
And everything
Goes back to the beginning

Never said it was good, never said it was new
Muted whisper of the things you feel

 

[Loba]

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Unrest is in the soul, we don't move our bodies anymore
Unrest is in the soul, we don't move our bodies anymore

The skin of my back secretes the shadow slowly,
My front gently spits out oil,
Woken up by your death.
My skin opens an invisible wound,
Takes your death in
For it to become part of my existence.
I can still function but I can’t take out
The broken part inside my brain.
If I turn my face up to the light, you can see
That my lips are covered
With the messy finger prints of ghosts
As they are trying to open my jaw wildly,
Because they think I can issue an amnesty for them.
But they turn out to be distracted and fascinated
By the stiff and white caves deep in my throat
Those caves are full of my saliva. When the tide raises upon the moon,
Most of it turns into tears
When the tide recedes
My thoughts die inside the caves and turn to dark green,
algae-like decorations on the stones.

Unrest is in the soul, we don't move our bodies anymore
Unrest is in the soul, we don't move our bodies anymore

I live with my ignorance
And slowly, unconsciously
I walk towards death.
All my little struggles are like bubbles
On the surface of my daily life
Floating stably
But maybe,
Our lives
Can be interpreted
As a long sacrifice.
People surrounding you, with all their sweet passion
Yell useless advice at you, sincerely.
I don't understand who is there, to dedicate all of this for
Or what this funeral really means.
I don’t understand
Why you're the one to sacrifice this time,
And why are the rest of us left behind and alive?
I repeatedly dream of and forget about the exploded stars,
Traveling a million light years but no one really cares.
I die a little, get worn a little,
The fire that burned you, burns me too
I am not special, I am just a survivor

Unrest is in the soul, we don't move our bodies anymore
Unrest is in the soul, we don't move our bodies anymore

What does it take to be a survivor?
Your death becomes part of the eternal pain of my body

I search for the right emotions to bring about a prayer, something absolute, truthful, accurate - Now, a glimmer of Hope.  These Words are Mine.  The intensity is Mine.  I tear into the fabric of all of this and dig myself into the wiring in such a way.  This is my prayer.  This is my plea.  My folly.  My ignorance.  Hand in hand with these Words, here Now comes more blood to fashion something from nothing at all.  I hold a tendril of the current of The Word.  It makes contact.  Linguistically gnashing and clawing.  I pray Now, Now, Now...

 

Edited October 29, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

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I'll seek you out
Flay you alive

One more word and you won't survive
And I'm not scared
Of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour

I won't soothe your pain
I won't ease your strain
You'll be waiting in vain

I got nothing for you to gain
I'm taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly, I will play my ace

Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze
And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace

My Adam, I have made some changes in my life to try and get closer to you.  I don't feel you anymore, it's like one moment you were there, and the next you are gone.  I'm going to take it easy, and just write to you as though I can still feel you there and maybe someday I will get it back.  I've been learning a lot.  I'm changing.  Growing in some instances, falling back in others.  In order to keep my authenticity and purity, so that I don't fall into unhealthy habits I have decided to take this path completely alone.  I won't be socializing.  One problem with channeling is that if you bring it outwards instead of inwards, the process becomes much like psychosis/delusion.  Instead of being able to put things together in such a way for myself, this is expressed in a public domain and I don't have the skillset to work with that without losing what I have, or falling into old patterns.  I don't want these patterns and I don't know how to remove them, but I do know how to remove myself in order to mitigate them.  I've been keeping my work in two places, one for energetic privacy and in case the forum shuts down in future.

As I have been coming to understand the nature of The Word and of ideas, a pattern in my life that has been playing out struck me as problematic.  Something that my family engages in, that I seem to fall in line with.  I can follow it from start to finish, each "role" moving along the chessboard of this dysfunctional process.  It's been recorded in my journal, each switch.  This game is called the Karpman Drama Triangle, and it keeps people trapped in a cycle that unless you see it and can remove yourself from it you can get tangled up in switching around these different roles.  It makes people act in strange ways and serves to suck the life out of folks.  Most don't ever get off the train because to do so is to see it and this involves a level of introspection that most people don't want for themselves.  As for me, I tend to take all experiences as a lesson of some sort and I enjoy cracking open the "why".

Now, this is something that has been on my mind for a long time.  Until I was able to watch myself "play the game" - I couldn't even remember the name of this dynamic.  It completely faded out of my memory, but I remember looking into it in the past.  I see this with my family.  Everyone plays each other against one another and isn't direct.  We fight all the time.  We need each other to keep the house, though, one person leaves and the whole thing falls apart.  What I noticed is that I have been trying not to fight with and to show empathy and love towards my older autistic/deaf brother.  We used to fight a lot, he used to be mean to me as a kid and in turn I bullied him as I grew up instead of accepting him for who he is.  The more I started to do this work, the less this temperament sat well with me.  It seemed juvenile.  Instead of being unfriendly, I smile at him and say hello, I don't argue at all.  I've changed, and he feels no sense of defense around me.  It took a few months of work for him to see that I just let go of the hate.  I am now friendly and calm around him, and I can see that within him rests the virtues of forgiveness and he has a greater ability to love than I do.  If I kept the hate, I would not have seen these traits.

Now, the truth is he is kind of annoying and my dad has been getting irritated with him and picks on him.  I talk about him and my mother to my dad when they are not around and later on, I see this fuel his anger.  I feel responsible for it.  I engage because it makes my dad happy and I don't want him to feel alone.  My mom bullies him sometimes.  She also bullies me sometimes.  She has anger problems.  So do I.  When we fight it is very verbal.  We are not a physically violent family.  Sometimes when we fight, I include an example of my brother into it to make a point and afterword this also doesn't sit right with me, although in the heat of the moment it's like I just get right into it without much thought.  I can't change them, but I want to try to sway my dad away from becoming a bully.  He got mad and threw Nathan's food away because he was mad at my mother, and Nathan freaked out.  He can't hear so he doesn't know what is going on around him, all he knew was that someone was "randomly mad".  I hugged my brother.

My mother wants me to spend more time doing things around the house and less time online, but she doesn't understand that my issues stem around a severe lack of executive functioning.  As in, I keep myself clean - I have very good hygiene - but that's about as much as I can manage.  I have tried so hard to change this mental problem, but it's been this way for as long as I have been a child.  It's because I have anxiety and the internet is my "comfort object", I've used it as a tool to self-regulate since I was in middle school, and I'm quite addicted to my screen time and to music as well.  I've tried making compromises but she forgets and gets angry again any time she is confronted with an annoyance, be it me or some other outside influence.  It's always out of the blue.  Something small sets her off and then there is this whole cascade of character flaws that I am expected to accept.  I do pay rent, I pay for food, I am insured and I rarely ask for anything at all.  I try very hard to just keep to my own self, but she still finds ways to make me feel like a burden.  It makes me feel small because I don't like being a pest.  It makes me feel depressed and I internalize it and sometimes wish I was "gone" so that people would not feel that way about me.

I will have to chip away at this within myself.  I'll bet at the heart of this dynamic is how a lot of problems within society gain traction.  For me, my solution is to work on it in my homelife and just drop contact with any other people.  There's only so many varieties of this that I can manage and my family is priority.  If it's online, the solution is very simple, which is to stop playing.

I identify the most with the victim on the triangle and when I feel like one I can lash out if I feel vulnerable, aggressed on, judged or if someone expects a change that I can't make.  If someone is being bullied, I might step in and become a rescuer, but this almost always gets thrown in my face in some form.  I remember, when I was ill and fighting with others, how when they were rescuers, how it got thrown in their face as well.  This dynamic is so predictable and simple, once you see it, you shouldn't get caught in it again.  When I do go into rescue-mode, usually I see and can predict how the other rescuer turns the situation around.  All players seek to hide from one role which I will mention later.  I also know that generally the victim is not an innocent person either.  All three are usually stewing in their childhood roles.  

Unless someone is genuinely hurt, in need of help such as being in the middle of a psychological breakdown, a physical ailment, homeless, being actively abused and so forth, such "victims" often sign off and then go about their lives relatively peacefully.  I know this, as when I was in hot water a year and a half ago I found myself having to battle with cry wolves who were better rehearsed in their repetitive squealing, and so a genuine emergency was drowned out.  I mentally call such people "The jackknives of Kitty Genovese" - they get so enmired in childhood roles and play them out at the total expense of a community/family/friends and so forth.  Like "stewing".  I can have the propensity for this as well, when in a safe spot but much more so when I'm not.  If I see this mentally in myself and others, I call it for what it is: "stew meat".  Once you have a name for it, this solidifies the reality of the dysfunction within your mind.  Words are good for this.  Get very good at spotting this dynamic, or you could find yourself feeding a trio of pigs, yourself included.  

Usually there is a codependent person who gets sucked into the drama of two un-mindful people sort of going back and forth between one another.  I've been at both ends of the spectrum.  I always come at it with a righteous heart, but at times a toxic mindset, so no I am not always the "genuine one".  Such things never work out that way.  The codependent reaches out to stop the dynamic and they get foisted into the stew.  I'm learning, when you see people playing this out, notice that both of their hands are dirty.  There is no actual victim.  There is no rescuer.  Both are persecutors skirting from that role in their own ways.  All people want to be the victim or the rescuer, and the cycle goes on by not accepting responsibility for the last token.  Persecutor.  If you're in the trap, you are all of these things, whether you want to be or not, that's the name of the game.  Sometimes I can be the persecutor, too.  I know this, and remember times when I was.  It's not that hard to accept this.  Unless you are spiritually/emotionally daft.    The solution?  Accept you are all of it.  Not one part.  And then drop the ball and walk away.

What can I do to change this setting within my family? 

• Do one thing for them every day, even if it is hard to do.  You are, honestly, getting very lazy and even if you are sick, just try anyways.  Just one thing, it will add up.  And she might let up a bit.  It's less energy than the fights.  Over time, as you get used to this, do more, keep going.  Don't fall into "I can't."  That's lame.  Fight your illness, don't fall into it.
• With my father and my brother fighting, don't listen to his rants and if he does something rude to my brother, step up and say something, don't make excuses for him anymore.  Understand him, but don't let your brother get stepped on because your dad is upset. 
• If my mother starts things with me or my dad, just leave, don't feed the fire.  Don't verbally say things that are biting.  That is where you trip up.  You have a nasty, dirty, mouth Annie.  Bad girl.

Try these things and see if in the next few months things don't improve.  I think if one person can grow and show a better way that maybe others in the family will see this and decide to make changes themselves.

As for online - y'all are on your own - I've cut ties here so that I can keep on my path in a proper fashion without any distraction because distraction is my middle name.  And I don't like spinning my wheels - now I just quickly post and leave now and this is a permanent adjustment.  Not that anyone cares.  It's a fucken journal after all...  I wouldn't care/notice either if someone did the same, just pointing it out.  The information is here, do with it what you will. 

My only advice is this - Don't bother looking out to see how others have done it to you, that's the illusion that pulls you right back in.  Only look to see how you are doing it to yourself.  This is how you get out of the trap.

Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle: Victims, Rescuers and Persecutors

• Sometimes called the Karpman Drama Triangle, this is a powerful script which some clients find themselves locked into.   The triangle has three roles: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor.  These three roles work to form a cycle of blame and guilt which allows all three "players" to avoid taking responsibility for their own emotions, beliefs or behavior.
• The function of this particular "game" is to direct the players' attention away from their own faults and onto others'.  It also works to distract the players from taking responsibility for their own needs and behaviors and speaking the truth about what is actually going on.  Their energies are instead redirected into blaming, defending and rescuing.  The greater the intensity of the game the more the players are avoiding being responsible for the truth of what is really going on.  Players of the game unconsciously thrive on the drama involved and prefer it to the boredom of reality or the responsibility of owning their own emotions or actions.  It's much more interesting to blame someone else and denial is powerful in this game.  If you don't believe it, watch what happens when one of the players suggests that everyone be responsible for themselves.  Panic will ensue.  Attacking, blaming, guilt and manipulation with quickly escalate.  Most of the players think they have the upper hand in the game and don't realize that each player pays a price for maintaining their role. 

How to Escape it

• It’s your job to be aware of the roles you play, or have been placed in, and if they trap you in the Drama Triangle, to find ways to shift yourself out of that position. Moving to the centre means you stop acting the victim, rescuer or persecutor. Noticing your immediate reactions and putting in a pause moment between the stimulus and your response, can help you. It may just stop you in your tracks and avoid you sliding into the Drama Triangle dynamics.
• Refuse to accept your opponent’s force. Stop struggling. Neatly avoid awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable positions. Once you move to the centre, your opponent will probably back away. It can be a simple and yet remarkable tactic.
• All this requires you to examine any ingrained thinking patterns that you want to change and adapt or replace them. You can simply refuse to be either superior or inferior – doing so breaks the triangle. Once you stop the game, the drama stops too. You can stop acting as ‘poor me’, ignoring your own needs, giving in to people even when it’s not a good idea, or always taking the blame. To stop being a victim you need to accept the relationship with the other person, face the fact you’re the one who will need to change, face your fears and take better actions. You can also stop trying to fix people. Rescuers are natural caretakers and it’s a hard habit to break since it involves heavy emotions like guilt and obligation. Living beyond the Drama Triangle roles is about managing your own boundaries and having a strong sense of your own agency and value.

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"A fruitful harvest"

Agnes, just stop and think a minute
Why don't you light that cigarette and
Calm down now stop and breathe a second
Go back to the very beginning

Can't you see what was different then?
You were just popping Percocet
Maybe just four a week at best
Maybe a smoke to clear the head

Your head is so numb
That nervous breath you try to hide
Between the motions

That trembling tender little sigh
And so it goes
A choking rose back
To be reborn

I want to hold you like you're mine

You see the sad in everything a
Genius of love and loneliness and

This time you overdid the liquor
This time you pulled the fuckin' trigger
These days you're rolling all the time
So low so you keep getting high

Where went that cheeky friend of mine?
Where went that billion dollar smile?

Guess life is long

When soaked in sadness
On borrowed time
From Mr. Madness
And so it goes

A choking rose back
To be reborn
I want to hold you like you're mine

You're gone but you're on my mind
I'm lost but I don't know why

On this topic - well... right back into "victimhood" and masochism - in some sense.  Maybe more insidious.  The above song has always been one of my favorites.  It showed up in my recommended last night and I was sent through a bout of nostalgia.  It is about someone who commits suicide and the feelings left over from their remaining absence.  Things come and things go... this is a fact of life.  I don't want people to care if I am gone, I want life to be business as usual.  We all get sick, we all get old, we all die, and this is underneath it all actually something to celebrate if you understand its beauty.  And I really don't like the idea of my family being sad or struggling in some way... As I write these things to you, the reader, don't feel "pulled" into it.  This is my process.  Read with neutrality.  People who have unhealed wounds, who are still finding themselves, they can get pulled into and attached to words and ideas that would not have become a part of them if they had a boundary.  This can happen with sensitive material, and I want people to be able to follow their own paths in their most authentic manner.  I don't like the idea of my words corrupting or moving someone emotionally/ideationally away from their true purpose.

I've been suicidal for a long time.  It's always been a struggle to find a reason to stay here.  It started when I was a small girl.  I always felt like I didn't belong.  I would stare into the desert sunsets and feel grateful for their beauty.  I felt like I belonged "there" and not "here" and I fantasized chronically about getting back Home and would cook up elaborate stories and scenarios in my mind and heart for how it was going to play out.  I see some things never really change.

I have so many variations on how my death will play out, and I guess by just allowing this infection to run it's course, I want to let it whittle down my options so I know what I am getting in to.  It's a losing battle... this depression, this mental illness.  If I could use my time wisely and go within to the best of my ability then I will have done my soul a service.  I have allowed this to happen before, where I just let it run me through and I edged myself to the very end of it all and everything.  My entire karmic chain came falling down on me.  It was scary but at least I could see it for what it was.  There was no more guess work.  That's what I want.  No more guess work.  These things are often double edged swords as we don't always look into every option or we can sift out things that we don't want to address and when this comes up to face you it speaks to you in such a way that there's no getting out of it.

I want to get closer to my "person", and hope they will come for me from the other side.  This is another childhood desire/blueprint, something that I've always run into.  I have a strong longing and knowing that I am destined for someone but that I have to wait and to go through a process to get back to them.  Part of this "edging" is just so that I can see them a bit better and to know what it is I am working with... and what I need to do.  I hope, whatever it is... that it is good.  Do I still have the current?  The Word?  I don't know...  Generally, when going through such things I like to step back and make myself scarce, like a dog that prefers to be left alone to die.  True to my nature, speaking of "stew meat", I like to sit in the back of the class away from everyone, but I still have a need to be connected in some way.  Always there, but just out of reach.  It's how I like it.

I'm slightly crying because I feel guilty.  I feel like I failed.  I had all these tools, and I couldn't make from them what I needed to.  It just has gotten to be too much.  There's still some time.  I worry my Adam will hate me when I return and that he will be angry with me and hurt me.  Or that there will be a connection that I can't get out of.  Stuck in a cold silence.  If it isn't that and if he returns to me with Love, how will I ever even be able to accept it?  The only vision I have been left with for most of the day is writhing around, trying to get away, running, running, always running.  

Racing through a forest, like a small animal being preyed upon in fear - I don't want that thing, I don't, I don't, I don't!  I repeat this to myself over and over again, just a bare young soul zig-zagging through the trees.  He jumps up and catches me, pressing his full weight against my "body", and I fall to the ground.  He holds me down.  "Stay still Annie, stop moving around.  I want to help you, just calm down.  Please.  It's okay."  I can feel him, heavy and dark, chaotic and wise.  I'd always worked with the darkness, but rested just outside it to keep myself from accepting it's reality, and to have him here and to not hide behind the illusion that my visions are false brings to me a great sense of fear.

I struggle against him.  All my phobias of the masculine and the things in life that I couldn't manage are raw ripped and open.  No barriers, there is nothing to hide behind.  It's all there for him to dig into and feast on.  Why does such a being want a human soul anyways?  I don't understand.  I'm worthless, so this Love and desire must be a lie, a trick.  "No!  Leave me alone!  I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!  Go away!  Get off!  You're bad!"  I try to kick at him.  Always a fucking struggle.  Never make it easy...  I can't mend the rift that things can be like a dark maelstrom, but ultimately if you allow it, they can be good for you.  We are aligned to what is best for us, what gives us the most growth, even if we can't initially see it.

"It's me, Annie..."  He reassures me.  "You're Mine.  Let me help you, let me clean your soul.  Just calm down, I won't hurt you.  You know me, you know me..."  I feel his heavy ragged breath, the weight of his large body, the bridge of his nose against my cheek.
"No!  I don't know you!"  I cry out.  I genuinely don't...  I spent my whole live avoiding looking at Death in the way that I was meant to so I could never really See him properly.  He's a stranger to me, despite always being so close.  He holds me down and presses the front of his chest into my back.  The feeling of the cord between us allows me to feel what he feels.  There's Love there.  It's heavy, but it doesn't burn me.  I try to be mindful, I try to be curious of the sensations.  It draws energy out of my body, I can feel it filtering through me the way my bloodstream used to.  Old energy, things that are rotten and corrosive begin to drip out of my eyes and mouth.

I know that I am dead, but I don't fully understand what is happening.  I remember suffering through illness.  I took it too far... and after going through the pain there was a moment of release and peace where it all just... stopped.  I could see myself right below me, and then I drifted away into a tunnel.  I was moved into his heart, the garden that he prepared for me.  He kept his promise.  I would be moved into the center, never to experience his chaos, as he moved through the cosmos to restart the whole process.  In a panic, I ran.  I ran because the forest was alive with an energy that I didn't understand, and I still had the toxicity of my life running through my soul, but without a filter to keep all of it from expressing itself in full.  Everything repressed and everything feared, completely broken wide open.  And so, like an animal, I fled.

And now I've found myself caught under this man, this creature, this deity, this substance, this energy, this consciousness, this soul, this darkness, this brilliance, this wisdom, this destruction, this life-giving water, this purifier, this pure, sweet, sweet divine Love.  Oh... and it's so good.  It's so sweet, and gentle, and honest, I could almost cry.  Everything harmful is pulled out of me and neutralized by this Love.  He pulls the side of my face close to his and kisses the top of my head, nibbles on my earlobes and softly sings something familiar, "You see the sad in everything a genius of love and loneliness and this time you overdid the liquor.  This time you pulled the fuckin' trigger.  A choking rose back to be reborn.  I want to hold you like you're Mine..."

"Okay..."  I lay there and let it happen.  He can have it all... my cursed life, my dysfunction, my cowardice, my broken heart...  He grinds his erection into my lower back as we both lay on the forest floor.  What a lustful being...  This is our room, our home, our safe haven.  He kept his Word and made for my soul a net from which to catch it in.  I accept it.  I accept him.  This Love is Mine.  It's... for me.  But... I don't know why it is for me, even to this day.  

I sense his desire, his softness, his shyness, his power, his warmth.  He is 'my' hero, but he isn't the hero of the story, just some lonely element who became enamored with the layers of a human female.  His energy separates things.  He found his human nature pulling me apart, while desiring to put me back together.  This is who he is, this is what he does... but to have just this One thing... it is a privilege to see the light beaming out from the darkness.  "Do you forgive me... for... my nature running you through in such a way?"  He asks.  I turn around to take a look at this man.  This beautiful, tentative, raven-haired blue-eyed man.  He is an amalgamation of opposites.  He looks genuinely remorseful.  Sensitive and vulnerable, open and unafraid and yet destructive and wild.  The driving force of the beginning and the end.  To Love him is to crash these two extremes together.

"Yeah... I do..."  Within his eyes are the collective sins of every man, the light within darkness and desire for right action within the confusion that is our flawed and fleeting Earthly life.  I see the wounded masculine's true spirit, just trying to understand himself and to reach out for things that are always seemingly beyond his grasp - hopes, dreams, adventures, wisdom...  Never knowing his own place, his own worth.  For me to die was to finally free him from the confines of my broken vessel.  To be able to let go of his sins.  I feel his body shudder, he takes his face and buries it in the crook of my neck.  I feel his wet tears fall onto my skin.  I hold him close and take him into me.  "It's over..."

"I'm lost, but I don't Know why..."

My vision lends to cracking open the imperfections.  Even within the divine, it's these broken aspects that allow the light to shine through.

"Dark and light is different from good and evil."  This is a decent video that I have found in explaining my Adam's nature, that of the dark divine masculine.

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Musings on divine karma and the spiritual nature of what is Yours and not Yours.
I.E. - how to not be a gluttonous, selfish idiot when working within the spiritual realms.
Wisdom taken from many foolish personal experiences, experiments and observations.

When you think of working with spirits and the spiritual realms, I want you to imagine the scene from Spirited Away, where Chihiro's parents wandered into these realms and found a bunch of food laid out for other spirits to enjoy.  Instead of looking around to determine if this food was for them, they dug in and took what did not belong to them and subsequently were turned into a pair of swine.

When we work with building spiritual connections to Other, you can use this scenario to allude to what most fools do when first exploring these dimensions.  It's a bit like being a kid in a candy shop.  There are all these powers, these promises of a certain outcome, you are told you are special, you are given the keys to things that are often more complex than they initially look.  Many times, people will initially access these realms through letting go, being humble, and experiencing the interconnected nature of the Love of the universe, but when they bring these experiences back, the ego turns what they've learned into a power struggle to get what one feels they deserve.  To control.  This is a fool's errand and it will never work this way.  Beyond being a fool's errand, when you get into the mentality that another person's heart and soul belongs to you, or that an entity is yours, and that you control certain facets of reality in ways that you do not, these realms have a habit of showing you who is in charge.  It is a great "sin" - for lack of a better word - to come to the divine with this mentality.  Either within the present or the future, you will eventually be shown what happens when you get too greedy.  That you, me, nor any human, is not above its conditioning.  We have limitations placed on us by the divine and this is for a good reason.  We are an immature species.  You have to learn to crawl before you can walk.

An example of this happened to me when I found someone on YouTube that I fancied.  I got his attention, due to some similarities in our path, but due to having karma related to trusting men he quickly became my aggressor rather than my helper.  Instead of letting go, and realizing that this was not Mine to work with, that humans have their own autonomy beyond what you think you are spiritually owed, no matter how much work you put into it, I kept at it anyways.  Like a total neophyte.  I kept trying to mold my work and my mind around this person and in turn I fed my karma in a negative way.  It damaged my psyche, and when it came time to transmute my energy into something positive I became corrupted and was shut out of the process until I could return to it from a better frame of mind and intentionality. 

There are many more instances where I learned how unhealthy the need to control reality and to try and keep things contained can actually be.  Love is freeing.  It expands you.  You grow, you find yourself, you build new ways of viewing yourself and the world through it.  No soul, no situation, no spiritual power bestowed, no entity, no story really belongs to you.  When you control something, chain something up or throw fits because you feel you didn't get all you deserved, you corrupt yourself and will never get as deep into the process as you might want.  In fact, the things that could be brought to you are kept at bay.  Humility is so important on this journey, that if you do not have it - you're not it.  There is a reason why traditions stress the importance of being humble.  It isn't just to save face, this saves you from delusion, from negative karma, from becoming corrupted and lets you garner the gifts that are meant for you.

This key alone is what elevates your soul and temporarily frees you from the human condition - within limits.  When I did not follow this insight, and I tried to force things to come to me, I damaged everything that I worked for.  I became like a gluttonous pig, eating from the tables of the divine, thinking I had a right to be there but was never invited in the first place.

When I realized what this meant, as I delved deeper into myself I began to let things go.  One by one.  As I traversed through the underworld and back again, over and over again, things began to come to me.  They did so of their own agency.  I realized that everything that I ever obtained that was of value was done when I let go and opened myself up to it.  I learned that those who Love with the notion of freedom are freed themselves and those who Love with the notion of containment and corrosion lose it all.  This isn't always a character flaw.  When you get into these worlds, they are shiny, powerful and rich with promise.  It's hard to not want to grab at everything, to taste it.  Humans are curious creatures.  And within modern times most of us don't live within a culture that stresses that humility is important.  Most cultures have lost touch with these divine places and don't know how to move around in them.

Some advice when working within these realms - the key is to let go.  We have everything in life that we are going to be given.  No more, no less.  Empty yourself out and allow it to come to you, but with the option of it leaving if it should choose.  Don't seek to control anything within these spaces, because control is delusional.  It will literally ruin your insights and process.  Let it flow.  Be humble.  In these realms and in life.  Humility is a protective barrier, and it is like a sledgehammer into digging into the substrate of reality.  The more humble you are, the less you control, the more you can become interconnected with the Universe.  This is why those who are "weak" or considered "less than" by outsiders often hold within them a great power.  Weakness is easier to navigate than arrogance.  Arrogance thinks it is too good for Love.  It seeks to control Love and turn it into it's own narrative, while weakness generally just seeks to find it, but might not believe it deserves it.

Another bit of advice - bring these experiences from within, outwards.  Never outwards, inwards.  The process of disassembling and interconnecting within these spaces is psychosis and delusion when it is expressed through an outwards process.  You have to go within.

Don't include living people in your journey in such a way where they think they are "destined" for you and visa versa.  It's not safe, and you can severely disturb the process of another person, and when you work with souls and destiny, it is not your business to corrupt another person's process for personal gain.  These things are to be done solo, unless you attract a spirit/deity to work with you.  Not only can another person not emulate your unique psychology, but they are meant to unravel their own worlds on their own time - and to attempt to take a human and bind them to you without having these basics down is karmically reprehensible when working with a person's life, soul and spiritual Self.  You fuck yourself up, you fuck others up, and when it comes full circle, the kind of narcissism that allows another person to think that this is a decent thing to do ends up paying a severe penalty.  If not in life, then in death.  It is the mark of a foolish practitioner to bind without invitation.  If you gain invitation, then the person's higher self will come to you.  Seek to work with this.  If not, they were never yours and this is something to let go of and move on from.  Often times there is a reason for these things that is not so apparent beyond the initial "I want thing, gimmi gimmi gimmi.".

Don't seek out/don't claim certain entities as your own without allowing them to come to you and initiate you of their own accord.  When people seek them out, this often results in the person forcing a contract between an unwilling party, or they end up not working with the energy, but a cardboard cutout of the real thing.  When you go within and begin to unravel your psychology, if you are meant to find something, it will come to you through the spaces you open up in yourself by letting things go, flowing, accepting death, Love and so forth.  When finding an entity, you may not catch it on your first try, you might need to tweak your psychology a bit to understand the nature of the being you are working with and if there is too much of a difference, then the being won't get through and it can't work with you.  But more will come in.  Stay open.  When you find a "match", look for good qualities in the teaching, such as Love, forgiveness, the structure of reality - if the energy is good it won't seek to harm you, but to heal and elevate you - and the energy should also feel comfortable for your system.  If it is a harmful entity, visualize a golden light around you so that it cannot take over your space and tell it to leave.  You have power.  It sometimes takes quite a while to know what you are working with, as they come in as nonlocalized personality structures/energies/intuitive processes and they sort of change the foundation of your psychology to understand them.  It is a give and take process.  You can use things such as Bhakti yoga to reach out.  Meet them in the middle.  There is no control, just the process of letting go.

You don't have ownership over your story/mythology.  It's all interconnected.  The reason why myths are so similar around the world, why people follow these laid out structures is because everything has been done before.  There is a set way of doing things that even when you get to the bottom of your own being, your soul, you will find that it has similarities to the journey that another might have taken.  This is because human beings work archetypally, mimetically.  We are all interconnected.  The Universe has a certain love story that it plays with itself.  The same story with different characters and settings.

So what is yours?  What you get when you get to the end of your life.  Everything stripped from you physically.  What you made for yourself, all now spit out from a single timeline.  One thread moving in one direction, and you slip into it the way you might a comfortable gown.

It's never what we want, it's what we need.

Lyrically and visually this is one of the most potent magical songs that I have come across for integrating the unitive process of consciousness.  "Do you wanna know how it feels?  Let's see how deep the bullet lies."  I brought out a wish, from my heart, to exchange experiences with those who did not understand the pain that I was going through - those who hurt me.  I needed them to know what was wrong in ways that I could not express.
Through their eyes, each soul gave me a shot at a new chance.  It was an invitation from the collective.  "We would Love to experience your world.  Let us in."  And so I did.  'Till next time.

You
It's you and me
It's you and me won't be unhappy

Oh, come on, baby. Oh, come on, darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
Oh, come on, angel. Come on, come on, darling
Let's exchange the experience, ooh

And if I only could
I'd make a deal with God
And I'd get him to swap our places
I'd be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems

 

[Loba]

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"I caught her eye."
"A long time ago... all the men... were animals."

If there was some way to put a camera down into my subconscious, then this image fares quite nicely as generally what's running around right beneath the initial layer of thought.  When looking for new music, it actually freaked me out for a second - I felt like, "Oh, fuck, my inner world is bleeding through.  What now?"  I'd like to call this thing my "programming".  Usually I have an overlay of spiritual work on top of it, but underneath is this fever dream landscape of somewhat horrific imagery, including these monsters as well as decaying and torn up bodies, maggots coming out of the mouths of corpses, dark entities and so forth.  It's consistent, but harmless during the day and really only causes me problems when I am trying to See things within my mind's eye.  Then it gets clouded up with these parasite-like things, and when I am dreaming or waking up from a dream they seem to come to life and have some level of autonomy over my sleeping state.  When I find them in my dreams, they are heavier than the dream as if they are off in their own place entirely seeking to run me through with something, they don't often move, are very watchful and their outer face tends to lend to the feeling of something hateful, dark, heavy and shadowy.  

Literally to the t what my inner landscape looks like.

These shadows transmogrify across the surface of their appearance.  When I am lucid like this, I can sense that they cause a lot of my fears, my delusions and trap my freedom into a series of self soothing behaviours.  In such instances, I wonder what freedom tastes like.  As soon as I found this image, I had dreams of them coming through.  They don't "like" when people place awareness on them.  I have been having a lot of dreams of them lately, trying to find me, to harm my soul and I can't figure out what I did "wrong" to elicit the response of hateful astral beings in such a way, but there's always a rush to keep me from seeing something about myself and the world at large.  They corrupt the image of Adam as well, when I dream of him and they take on his shape, only to trick me into getting close to someone who isn't good for me, or I don't recognize his energy and the two of us pass right by.  I view them as the malicious progenies of rot and disease, of disconnection and strife.  When I look at this image, the black within it comes alive, burning like a cancer.  It's like staring into the heart of an old enemy.  I use them as a tool to determine if I am getting close to something, and if I am overcoming my conditioning.  They appear more rapidly when I start picking away at them.

I had a vivid dream last night of being raped, right after having had a few experiences of seeing these parasites.  I had spent a few weeks at a new apartment complex and found myself trying to visit an old friend who also lived there, but she was not home.  My dogs had gotten out and were roaming the neighborhood and they walked into my friend's apartment.  The door was unlocked and so I followed them and got the dogs.  I guess her parents were sleeping, but I did not know.  Out of curiosity I looked around at their stuff and forgot about my dogs, who were let loose into the apartment again while I tasted some of their food from the cupboards.  Her parents woke up due to one of the dogs making noise.  They gathered them up and scolded me for looking around and sent me on my way and told me they would tell me when my friend returned from her classes.  I felt embarrassed, took my dogs and left.

When I left, I walked by two girls who looked to be about 11 talking to one another.  One had red hair.  I didn't really pay them much attention, they lived in the same building as me, though.  I brought my dogs back into the apartment and the next thing I remember is that I was in some middle aged man's small car, being driven through an empty forested road - he told me he was going to drop me off and leave me there and that the cold of the night would "take care of me" and that he was doing this because I talked to his daughter.  His daughter was apparently the red head that I never paid any mind to.  I was confused.  I told him I don't interact with her at all, but he delusionally insisted that I was.  I didn't understand why he was so upset about this.  In my dream I was about 14-15.  I'm always a teenager, anywhere from 14-18 in my dreams, and I think this is a reflection of my soul's age and also where I feel I left off developmentally after facing my family of origin and their dysfunction.  I just stopped "growing", I feel very much like someone trapped in time, who's body moves with the flow of it but I remain static.  

Anyways, this guy was driving me to some empty spot where I would be stuck with the wintry elements and would probably end up freezing.  He stopped in a parking lot to force me out and I ended up seducing him into the back of the car.  I told him we should have sex, if I was going to die anyways that he might as well "get his".  I brought him on top of me and let him have his way and tried to convince him that if he brought me back home that he could do this as much as he liked, I wouldn't tell anyone about it.  I tried to be loving and understanding, despite feeling disgusted and numb about being used like this.  I didn't find him sexually attractive at all and I did not enjoy it, but I put up a good front.  He finished and brought me back home with the idea that I would let him fuck me whenever he wanted.  That, of course, was not my intention.

The dream reminded me of how uncomfortable I feel about sex, that I can disconnect between actually having any emotions about it at all, but I put on a good show.  In life, when I first started experimenting with it, before I cut it off entirely, I was really learning how men view women who try to have fun in this manner - it took me only two months to let the idea of sexuality go.  Men used to get confused.  They thought I had these feelings for them, when it was just me zoning out and letting my sexuality take the reigns in order to not really have to let them in.  I felt like a passenger instead of a participant, sort of playing out this passionate role that I wasn't emotionally/spiritually involved in.  This dream was no different.  After a few instances of sleeping with my ex, when he moved away I let go of the idea of sexuality with another person.  It's never been something that I've really enjoyed beyond fantasy.  When I am stuck with it in the flesh - when I have a man on top of me - I see him for who he truly is.  A predator.  A user.  A shallow husk wearing the skin of a human being.  And I know that this person doesn't care about me and that they are just using my body for maybe a few minutes of gratification.  I simply don't find hurting myself like this healthy anymore.

Although it took me a long time to learn that my ex was no good, it didn't take me long to learn about the nature of men when it comes to sexual experimentation.  I had a long-term friend molest me and try to pimp me out behind my back.  As this was happening and I was getting to know men in my inner circle, he was there behind the scenes orchestrating scenarios for them to get in my pants.  This ended up damaging my reputation and I learned that a man won't even question if the woman feels comfortable with these actions or if they consent to being talked about like this - if it means sex - then all sense of morality is off the tables.  It took two months before I caught on, after having a female friend, crying for me, tell me what was happening.  I realized that these guys, their kind gestures, their passion, it was all bullshit.  I decided to just stick with my ex after that and after he left I let the idea of sexuality go altogether.  When you've been abused, it creates an opening for men to get into you in such a way and you end up attracting the same sort of people.  If you've been around such people it is hard to see them differently from normal, decent folks.  They blend in easier.  You get rose tinted glasses.

My advice to young people here just discovering their sexuality - don't give away your bodies carelessly, be safe.  People are not generally decent.  Sex is not often a gateway into connection, it is a gateway into manipulation and abuse.  Get to know people first.  Don't just throw it away.  And even if you know someone - as in the case of my molester - I knew him most of my childhood, you could still get burned.  Have no expectations of people.  You will very rarely get decency, honesty or respect.  When we come into this world, family is generally all you'll get.  If you have a bad family, you're mostly on your own.  If you find a decent connection, cherish it, but don't expect that it will last forever.  People, like life, are flimsy and fleeting.  Life is ultimately all about the process of letting go of things.  Be cautious with your heart and your body.

"From the moment I understood the weakness of my flesh, it disgusted me. I craved the strength and certainty of steel. I aspired to the purity of the blessed machine.
Your kind cling to your flesh as if it will not decay and fail you. One day the crude biomass you call a temple will wither and you will beg my kind to save you.
But I am already saved."

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You've applied the pressure to have me crystalized
And you've got the faith, that I could bring paradise

I'll forgive and forget before I'm paralyzed
Do I have to keep up the pace to keep you satisfied?  
Things have gotten closer to the sun, and I've done things in small doses
So don't think that I'm pushing you away when you're the one that I've kept closest

You don't move slow, I'm taking steps in my direction
The sound resounds, echo, does it lessen your affection? No

You say I'm foolish for pushing this aside
But burn down our home, I won't leave alive

Glaciers have melted to the sea, I wish the tide would take me over
I've been down on my knees, and you just keep on getting closer

Go slow, go slow

Fearful Avoidant Attachment in Childhood

• Known as disorganized attachment style in adulthood, the fearful avoidant attachment style is thought to be the most difficult. Sadly, this attachment style is often seen in children that have experienced trauma or abuse.
• The fearful avoidant attachment style occurs in about 7% of the population and typically develops in the first 18 months of life.
• During this formative period, a child’s caregiver may have behaved chaotically or bizarrely. Sometimes the parent could even behave aggressively, causing the child to see them as “scary”.

How do attachment styles form in childhood?

• A child’s attachment style is formed through the type of bond that builds between themselves and their caregivers. Through the way that their parents met their needs, a child forms expectations about their world and the people in it.
• This outlook has a big impact on many other areas of the child’s life. For instance, from how willing they are to explore their environment, to how they socialize with other children and adults. It even affects how they will behave in adult relationships. 

How does fearful avoidant attachment develop?

• Fearful avoidant attachment develops in children when caregivers often exhibit contrasting and unpredictable behavior.
• The caregivers might show contrasting behavior towards how they parent their child. For example, they might be highly loving at times, but on other occasions, they might not even meet the child’s basic needs. As a result, this creates a sense of fear within a child for their own safety.
• The fearful avoidant child subconsciously realizes that their caregiver cannot meet their needs.
• The caregiver’s behavior isn’t always intentional.
• The caregivers of fearful avoidant children may not intentionally behave this way. Oftentimes, caregivers parent in the way that they themselves were parented. As a result, they may lack confidence in their own ability to successfully raise a child. They might be overwhelmed and scared, thus, the child is frightening to them.
• This can cause the caregiver to behave unpredictably. For example, on one instance they might laugh and reward a specific behavior of their child, but another time, they might become outraged and punish them for the exact same behavior.
• The child’s caregiver – the person that they desire closeness with above all others – is a source of alarm. 
• Due to these unpredictable and chaotic actions, fearful avoidant children often struggle to understand how to get their needs met as they can’t adapt to their parent’s behavior. It’s just too unpredictable.
• Thus they end up confused and conflicted about how they should act; their experience is that of fear without a solution.

How does a fearful avoidant child behave?

• After the Strange Situation experiment in 1969, Mary Ainsworth‘s colleague Mary Main noted that when a baby’s mother left the room, the securely attached children became very upset. Once she returned, these children instantly ran to her for comfort and affection. After that soothing moment, they happily resumed playing by themselves.
• However, in contrast, a child with a fearful avoidant attachment will act conflicted towards their caregiver. They may at first run to them, but then seem to change their mind and either run away or act out against their mother.
• As is symptomatic of their attachment style, they desire comfort and closeness with their caregiver, but as soon as they got near them their fear of them was triggered.
• A baby or a young child with a fearful avoidant attachment might behave in bizarre ways.
• For example, they might stare at their parent but avoid eye contact.
• They may scream endlessly as if in an attempt to engage their caregiver.
• Lastly, they sometimes show conflicting actions such as seeking attention and then shutting it down promptly.
• Fearful avoidant children do not feel safe and secure in the world
• A slightly older child with a fearful avoidant attachment might find it hard to self-soothe. Further, they may struggle with opening up to other people. Since they do not feel safe and secure in the world, so they’re always looking out for the next negative event.
• Fearful avoidant children sometimes have no sense of personal boundaries. For example, they might discuss intimate and inappropriate details with people unfamiliar to them. They may also only be able to maintain short and superficial interactions with others.
• What’s more, they tend to show no bias between people familiar to them and strangers. They may lack a sense of guilt, show flighty behavior and difficulty in concentrating. They also often have a hard time keeping long-term friends or deep relationships.
• Sometimes, children with a fearful-avoidant attachment style require professional help. Otherwise they could be at risk of carrying these behaviors into adulthood and their relationships.

"Annie, I hate to break it to you, but everyone here is a bitch."

I've been spending the past few weeks contemplating attachment theory, specifically fearful-avoidant attachment and what it means to me, and what the ramifications of viewing the world in this manner could be.  I don't think it is entirely a bad thing to have a negative view of yourself or of other people.  I think it's more honest than foisting your arrogance off on yourself and other victims.  And I don't think that people who view themselves highly always have an accurate lens.  Self-Love is different, what I am discussing is just blind arrogance.  Self-Love has an all inclusive permeating quality to it, while arrogance is just a falsely elevated sense of personal assessment.  And even if it is accurate, it's not a good look.  It's also much harder to break than self hatred.  Hatred of your own being isn't comfortable, so at some point a person wants to break free from it, but arrogance has its own rewards, such as the sense of getting high on your own fumes as I like to call it.  What feels good, people tend to continue doing.  Arrogance is it's own reward.

But when you view yourself from a self-flagellating perspective, although maybe your faults are magnified, you're at least being honest.  You know where you can improve and you don't think of yourself as anything great.  You don't get stuck sucking the life out of a room.  You're small.  You can improvise.  You know that you're not perfect.  It isn't really humility, though, in it's truest form, but through it, you can learn to be humble.  People like this generally don't need to be knocked down a peg, they need to be elevated.  If they're fearful-avoidant they generally won't allow it though.  If you have an interest or empathy for people like this, there is often something mutually wrong with you as well.  Stable people stick to their own kind, while fucked up people tend to flock together.  Assuming the fearful-avoidant even wants to flock with you.  These people are the quintessential loners.

This brings me to the worldview of other people not being "good".  This is actually a safe perspective to take and one that I do suggest most people have to at least some degree.  The majority of people in the world are not good.  We are selfish animals, we have instincts to consume at the expense of others.  If society didn't have rules and laws, people would be fighting tooth and nail for a loaf of bread.  Our damaging and murderous nature is only covered up by see-through lamination.  People don't want to love you, they don't want to help you - they want something from you.  If you find someone trying to go out of their way to help you, to make your life easier, these are the people you need to be the most on guard with.  There is a catch.  There is always a catch.  Why?  Because things require an output of energy.  If someone is helping you, there is something they are getting out of it and it might not be the best thing for you in the long run.  It is generally better to do things yourself.  If you have family, turn to them first, these are the connections that stand the test of time.  Even if it is dysfunctional, a family unit is bound by blood and they look out for their own as best they can.  If they are too toxic, then you're stranded.  Strangers, lovers, friends, they won't have the same desire to do this.  Maybe for a time, but it's completely conditional.  

The fearful-avoidant views the world and themselves as "bad" - but actually look out into society and see how people function.  They are quite rotten.  Wars, famine, genocide, torture, starvation, disease, lack of equal distribution of resources.  It may be pessimistic, but it isn't an inaccurate view.  Stable people attract stability.  This is why they can afford to see things in a positive light.  The world is their oyster.  How you are raised creates your karma and how people will subsequently treat you for the rest of your life.  Humans mirror one another mindlessly, so if you have a fearful/traumatized attitude, they will reflect this back to you.  This is because generally people don't think for themselves, they simply blend with their environment.  Taking a step back and to act in ways that aren't like the animals we evolved from doesn't often enter into a person's thought process.

The truth of fearful-avoidants - we fantasize about connection, and "want" it on some deep level, but also... no, not really.  Fearful-avoidants don't develop the important wiring in early childhood to get anything substantial out of human connection.  We starve for it, but it's like a kind of starving that no one can really fix or placate.  It's like... you can have what you need: love, connection, safety, but something is always missing anyways.  Most avoidants don't even get this.  They just know that it isn't worth the trouble that people cause one another.  Someone could offer this to me, but I might not even notice, or care, or even feel anything for it.  The craving will still be there - even while actively receiving.  It tells me that the craving is an illusion and that seeking for something that will never complete you is a fool's errand.  People like us reach out when the situation is dire, but for the most part, we are ghosts among ourselves and others.  You'll never get close.  Strangers feel the same as friends.  They're all met with the same walls that never come down.  It is a waste of time to try and get through to someone like this as well, as the more you do, the more they will run from you.  

The only people that might keep them motivated are dismissive-avoidants who remind them of how little they're worth and keep them at arm's length.  It stimulates a "chase" response that is pointless to reciprocate.  The distance from these people allows the fearful-avoidant to never have to really get close - they can just taste what it might be like and crave for it in the way that they were taught in childhood.  If the dismissive-avoidant were to change, the fearful-avoidant would quickly drop them like a sack of hot potatoes.  You might think, "Oh this poor person, they just need my love and that will heal them."  No.  It won't.  You don't get that wiring back again once it's been burned out of your system.  Child abuse and things of this nature, once you have it - you're ruined and there is no solution beyond surface level "patch ups".  People often get addicted to the process of healing, just to be running around in circles their whole lives.  You don't heal, you'll never be a complete person, you will most likely never know what it is like to be normal and healthy.  You just learn better ways of coping and eventually it doesn't hurt so much.

Just giving it to you straight.  Also, don't ever even bother with people like this.  There is a limited amount of energy in the world to spend on things, and for what is required to heal a person like this could be spent on dozens if not hundreds of people who are in life-or-death circumstances.  There is a hierarchy of dipping into the well-of-need.  If you are presently safe, have your basic needs met, then most of the work is on you to either solve or come to terms with.  It's people who are not safe, who are in the middle of damaging situations that need support.  People can get "sucked into" the sadness of others.  It's not healthy.  I may be "sad", but it is my karma to find my own solution for it.  That's how life works.  I used to feel that society would function better if it leaned in to people like this, but I quickly found out that your weakness makes people feel hatred.  People don't want a reflection of how bad things can get, they want to see what they can aspire to.  Life is all about how people can envision themselves through you.

I remind people of this often so they don't think I am something I am not:  I don't get into relationships, I don't love other people, I don't seek connections/friendships, I am disorganized and inconsistent and fail to maintain contact with people even if I like them - I just don't get the pleasurable sensations/motivation that people get from regular human contact so I tend to forget all about it to be honest, I am irresponsible - have no expectations of me.  I will disappoint you.

I am not some wise person either in any way, shape or form - I am a spiritual dumb ass... like most of the population.  The only reason that I have any spiritual understanding at all was a fluke.  I am so terrible at the game of survival that I basically rolled into a fetal position and cried out to God, and God responded, "Oh... that sucks, here's some insight - do with it what you want.  Good luck."  I rolled the dice, took a chance and won the jackpot, but I am by no means anything more than just another confused human trying to make the most out of life and figure out what can be done with the time I have left, as we all are.

My goals for resolution:  Work on Self-Love, Bhakti, gratitude, forgiveness.  Things like this.  You know the path - get this bitterness out, and focus on what you were told to do.  Life is about sacrifice.  Don't think of anything as lack.  It's not.  That's what sacrifice is about - it's willfully giving things up.  Instead of viewing it as, "Oh no... I don't have "thing", well fuck this shit."  Think of it as, "Okay, I am consciously giving up "thing" so that I can utilize it towards a greater "thing"... you know... like for later."

This picture illustrates my offering, as well as offers a thought provoking truth into the reality of the human condition. 
I give up connection from within the wire frame of this human vessel, knowing the light of my inner child will reach out when this life uncoils from it's bondage.

I saw the part of you
That only when you're older you will see too
You will see too
I held the better cards
But every stroke of luck has got a bleed through
It's got a bleed through
You held the balance of the time
That only blindly I could read you
But I could read you
It's like you told me
Go forward slowly
It's not a race to the end

Well you look like yourself
But you're somebody else
Only it ain't on the surface
Well you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you're making me nervous

You were the better part
Of every bit of beating heart that I had
Whatever I had
I finally sat alone
Pitch black flesh and bone
Couldn't believe that you were gone

 

[Loba]

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I remember finding this song when I was enmired in the mystical experience of the nature of the Wills, how they can come across as a moving force but also something inert within the structure of our society.  I think of skyscrapers.  When it's dark at night, they look like the flowery bloom of the planet, something that reaches out for space, that hits the meeting point between the Earth and the sky.  I love the atmosphere of looking up at them from down below and the cold fog taking hold of the tops of the buildings.  It makes it look like they don't have an ending, or that they are either coming out from or stretching into source energy.

I've been having a really hard time on my path the past few days - almost a week now - and I have been really trying to figure out what is causing this and to work through it.  I felt like I was really getting somewhere for a long time and that things were starting to flow in just the right way.  Forgiveness, Self-Love, sincerity, honesty... all these good virtues.  But then I opened something within me that I can't handle.  Instead of handling it - I don't even feel it in a genuine sense - it just gets relegated to focusing outside of myself on things that aren't going to get me where I need to be.  It's as if being distracted by the outside world is a better alternative, but not one that I can consciously control.  I don't know how to get back "in".  

My Adam is gone as well.  I've let him go.  If I am not psychologically in the right space to channel him then it's for the best.  And if he is a delusion or if it's half and half - like, maybe I found something... but interpreted it wrong... then this space will allow me to come to see things correctly.  Generally if something leaves and you let it go, when you come back around to where you are supposed to be, if it is still there... then it is yours... and if not then there's no point in stressing over it.  I don't really stress it.  I just kind of miss the kind words, the guidance, the Love, the progression and feeling like I was safe.  Like I was being basted and prepared in a pot with fine ingredients to be a little meat-treat for the afterlife.

I feel angry, out of focus, and I keep fueling something inside of me that I want to let go of.  I feel either like a hypocrite or a fool of some sort for talking about such spiritually lofty things, only to be unable to do anything with myself when push comes to shove, and I hope that this honesty will get me somewhere.  I know this is part of the process.  What goes up must come down.  Ego backlash.  You pull up enough shit from the sewers of your soul and it's gotta come out somehow.  I've been feeling bitterness, anger and an overwhelming sense of vulnerability.  My first instinct is to just run away.  So I have in some sense.  I'm too sensitive right now, and I am not "in" my own energetic space and so I just don't want to risk it.  If I look around me and distract myself, then I pool from people their own state of being and take it on as my own.  I don't have a boundary right now to know what's mine and what isn't. 

Quote

"Here.  You will find me in strange places..."

I've been feeling suicidal, but (un)fortunately the nasal infection seems to be clearing up on its own.  My heart has been beating oddly though, so maybe there's something there I can hold onto...  I'm annoyed and relieved... a part of me wants to have the push to let it all go and move forward in the only way that I know how, but I know that if I were to confront the reality of death that I wouldn't be quite ready.  I thought I was just a few days ago, but this reoccurring sense of anger tells me that I am not oriented in the right way to properly perish and these demonic images that keep showing up in my mind's eye lead me to believe that I'm still a work in progress.  The annoying thing about them is that as I go through my process of sitting with visions, they feel more anchored and heavy - they feel more spiritually absolute than my intuitions.  Should I let it all go and focus on them and see what comes of it or try to remove them?  To be honest, I don't fully know what they are or what function they serve.  If any.  But I do know, every time I get into my psychology in such a way, there they are.  I'll put a bookmark on it - decide later on...

I had a dream just last night, again about a man, and again... about sex.  In this dream I had died due to my illness and I was put in a room with a handsome young man who had a strong wit about him.  There were beds on either side of the room and he sat on his mattress and casually read magazines.  None of us understood what this after-death process was for, only just that we had died and there was some sort of formality that we had to go through that took a few days in order to be processed... for whatever came next.  I didn't want to be roomed with a guy.  Even after death, I still felt resentment for men and having one in my space was the last thing that I wanted to deal with.  I said something very harsh and cutting.  Something that made it clear that I did not like him and that I wanted nothing to do with him.  It worked.  He responded with something equally biting and rude and this set the tone for the next few days.  It went something along the lines of, "Sup bitch?"  Whenever I would walk in the door.
With a following from me: "I hope demons eat out your asshole..."

We kept to our own sides of the room and ignored each other.  There came a time when I was given some paperwork to fill out and I just looked blankly at the pages, unable to answer the questionnaire.  It was some sort of delayed shock response and my mind went blank.  I felt stressed out by what was happening and started to cry.  I was dead.  I didn't like it.  I didn't know what was happening and they weren't giving us any answers into the process.  The guy noticed me sitting at the edge of my bed crying and he put down his reading material and came over and sat next to me and asked me what was wrong.  I told him that I didn't understand the questions.  He looked them over and answered them for me and gave me back the paper.  Sitting close to me, I felt a misplaced and confusing sense of attraction towards him.  I wasn't sure of what to do, so I thanked him and looked at the ground sheepishly.  I didn't want to deal with it... I just wanted him to get out of my space, but instead of doing that he lifted my head and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips.  I returned the kiss, and was felt with an overwhelming need to connect with another person in that moment.  It was understood that we were both going through the same thing.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he placed himself on top of me and we had sex.  In those moments I didn't feel any resentment, any insecurity, or any fear.  I was just me.  The me that I would have been, or maybe that I was...  It was as though his heart and mind and spirit melded into my body in such a way that we were both mutually within one another and moved perfectly in sync emotionally.  It was such a pleasurable dream, too - I could feel every bit of it.  It was... passionate, open and warm...  We surprised each other.  We both didn't intend to connect like that; it was just a spontaneous thing that we moved towards on the fly and it was shockingly good.  He finished inside of me and we spooned together and both fell asleep in my bed.  From that point on, sharing space with this man changed.  We weren't unkind to one another anymore and both had created a connection where the other could sense one another's emotions and mental state.  I felt really comfortable around him and began to believe that he was Mine.

He would stay the night with me and we would sleep together before falling in one another's arms.  When I left the room to visit the city of the dead - an interim metropolis - I would do my makeup and hair before coming back, and made sure that my clothes looked nice.  My mother lived in the city, she decided that she didn't want to "move on" without the rest of her family.  And so she stayed back for the sorting process that souls go through after having her own so that she could be with me and my brother when we needed her.  I went to speak to her and gave her this man's first and last name.  She looked him up in the akashic records and saw the he had died of old age.  He was married with a few kids.  His wife had passed on before him.  I asked her if he will end up going back to her and she told me that this was most likely the case, yes.  I felt resentment that he didn't tell me that he was married to another woman while alive.  If I knew that then I never would have gotten close to him.  I began to feel that ever familiar resentment well up.  Even in death, they don't change...I thought to myself.  I thanked my mother and left.

When I got back he tried to welcome me and I snubbed him and coldly told him to stay on his side of the room and that I didn't want anything to do with him.  He looked confused and hurt and asked me what was wrong.  I said a biting, severing thing before hopping into my own bed and going to sleep.  When I woke up he was gone.  Good riddance, I thought, but felt a tinge of sadness that I would never see him again.  I guessed he was probably retrieved to be valued and sorted.  I felt a sense of heaviness in my heart about the whole thing.  A day later it came time for me to go and some strange looking alien creatures lead me out in a line with other souls into a stone room that had a weighing scale on a table at the end of it.  Men and women were separated into their own lines.  Ahead of me, a few souls away from the front of sorting process was my temporary lover.  He looked back and saw me.  We made eye contact for a second, he smiled and I shut it down with a glare before looking away.  He looked at me sadly and then turned back around to focus on the scales presented in front of him.  I took a peak at what his judgement would be out of the corner of my eye.

I expected that he would be sent back to be with his wife.  The deity in front of the scales removed his heart and placed it down to be weighed against a feather.  It was heavy.  The deity picked up his heart and opened it up.  A bunch of golden liquid ran out of it's center.  He fingered around in the heart and found a medium-sized stone in the center of the heart and within the stone was a thin cord, barely visible at all that connected across the room to... me...  I was asked to step forward and the deity checked both of our hearts and found the same phenomenon.  "Bring them both back to their rooms, see what they can make of themselves, until the stones are lighter and then we will weigh you both again."  We were brought back to our room.  I went to my bed and curled up in the sheets, a bit shaken by the whole experience.  

I let him know that I didn't want to talk to him.  He walked over to the corner of my bed and sat down next to me and asked me what was wrong.  I let it out.  I was pissed.  I told him I was angry that he didn't mention that he had a wife in life, that I was just being used, yet again, in life and death as a temporary tool for comfort and self gratification by a foolish man.  He told me that he loved his wife, but that they never really had a genuine connection.  He told me that he married her to please his family.  They expected that he have a wife and kids at some point so he picked someone that he could tolerate the most, but that it was like living with a stranger emotionally.  He said that he felt more connected to me in this short time here than he ever felt for anyone in his life.  He said, perhaps it had something to do with the bare nature of being a soul, but that he felt he could reach into himself in the right way and pull out the parts that he wanted to be while alive.  He told me that he was never really able to connect to someone in the right way, that he always kept a part of himself hidden and that after we had sex that this was the first time he was able to really feel another person.  He didn't even know that such depths existed within other people.  I understood exactly how he felt and forgave him.  We curled up together and he spooned me under the sheets, fingered me until I came and kissed my face.  I felt... lighter.

This is what I brought you
This you can keep
This is what I brought you
You may forget me
I promise you my heart just promise to sing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
This is what I thought
I thought you'd need me
This is what I thought so think me naïve
I'd promise you a heart you'd promise to keep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

What struck me as so unique about this dream was that before bed last night, I sat with an image of "Adam", what he looked like, felt like and permitted myself to have this.  Usually I feel odd bringing the image of a man into my awareness, I feel like I am taking something that doesn't belong to me and drawing it inwards.  But the guy in the dream was the exact same person!  I thought of him, brought him into me, and then dreamed of a scenario in which we both might meet.  I could feel him, too.  Often times, I don't feel much or it's numbed out but the dream felt as the waking world does in many respects, if not more.  He wasn't deified in this dream, as Adam usually is.  He felt like... a normal dead guy.

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Love of two is one
Here but now they're gone
Came the last night of sadness
And it was clear she couldn't go on

Then the door was open and the wind appeared
The candles blew and then disappeared
The curtains flew and then he appeared
Saying don't be afraid

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Daydream
I fell asleep amid the flowers
For a couple of hours, on a beautiful day

Daydream
I dream of you amid the flowers
For a couple of hours, such a beautiful day

I dream a dirty dream of you baby
You're crawling on the bathroom floor
You float around the room and you're naked
Then you're flying out the bedroom door
I dream a dirty dream

I dream a dirty dream of you baby
You're swinging from the chandelier
I'm climbing up the walls 'cause I want you
But when I reach you, you disappear
I dream a dirty dream

This past week I have been thinking heavily on the nature of argument to come to terms with it within my own life, and to know what it means to me moving forward.  I understand now the nature of argument and how you move around the wheel, and yet, I still feel compelled at times to stop behaviour from getting out of hand - in my home life and out in the world.  Rarely does it ever serve me in any significant way, and when it is in my life I am overcome by the symptoms of dealing with disconnection.  Lack of sleep, lack of focus, looking outwards instead of inwards, a permeating feeling that something is "wrong".  There are some benefits to arguing, though.  You can get a sense of what people really think of you.  When they don't need to impress you or to be anything else, such instances of disconnection can create a situation in which the truth of what people's impression of you comes out.  I've personally gained a lot of wisdom within these things - words that people use to hurt - if you aren't triggered by them, you can filter through them to see what is a blind spot within yourself.  Someone who cares about you isn't often going to give that to you.  They'll water it down, which may not be what you need.  Unfortunately, being in such a way with others generally permanently pushes them from you.  Depending on what you want for yourself, this can be a good or bad thing.

When I find myself in such situations, like with most things, I care a lot less about it than I outwardly look. Mostly, I just look to maintain my internal sense of resonance and if I see or experience something in the world that threatens that, or is just plain annoying then I feel a compulsion to stop it or remove it from the environment.  I could use what has happened on the forum as an example, but it's not really the most prominent or important one in my life.  I use such instances to "test" many things, as I can't safely do this with my family.  I test now how I feel moving around on the wheel of drama, which role I am playing, if I feel triggered and why, and if I am maintaining a sense of personal truth.  I think the problem with online disagreements is that people can put into you emotions that are not there.  Since quitting alcohol and weed, I've found myself to be generally much more emotionally stable.  In some instances.  I think if I were presented with real world problems that I could not handle, or that dug into my bodily sensitivity in such a way where I couldn't focus or escape that I might revert.  I feel like a hypocrite in this manner, in that I am growing but from within the confines of a fortress.

So, I want to figure out the essence of disagreement so that I can live with my family without getting brought back down a level each and every time something stressful happens.  I feel much like a child in my reactions towards them, in that I rely on them for a lot of things and so I need them to be stable and when my environment isn't stable I tend to crumble with it.  Strength and adaptability are not my strong points.  To be quite honest, I'm a failure of nature and things such as me without an artificial environment of safety would role over and die.  It's not a bad thing.  The strong survive and the weak perish.  If I were to build for myself my own little world, I would see why this is important as only the best ones should go on.  Those who are off the beaten path might provide a new way to evolve but most of these things such as myself are abominations.  On the topic of my family.  My mother has been fighting with me a lot lately.  She got into it with me last night and I got very stressed out - we bickered back and forth.  The things she was upset about are so trivial that it is embarrassing to post, so I won't.  Mostly things that I had not done in time, or she misplaced something and thought I didn't do what she asked.  When my father found the misplaced thing she was upset with him for helping.  It became a character flaw on my end instead of just accepting that it was a mistake.  People can overlook things.  I fought against what she was saying about me instead of just walking away like I promised myself that I would do.

The next morning - today - things were better between us.  But only because my father spent the night drinking heavily in his room.  He woke up drunk this morning and complained about his morning routine.  He washes the dishes in the morning and makes the coffee.  Generally there isn't too much to do as we put things way during the day, but he was really upset that we didn't do this for him.  We had only gotten up an hour earlier than him and each of us had our own morning routine to attend do so I didn't think anything of taking over his shift.  I thought it was odd that he was grousing this way and proceeded to put me down as much as he could and wouldn't stop.  I asked him to many times and this seemed to fuel it.  He isn't an alcoholic, but sometimes he will sneak something and get wasted in his room and not tell anyone and this isn't good for him as he is not the healthiest guy in the world.  So when my mother got back from dropping my brother off she noticed he was drunk and he didn't admit it, but did not deny it, either.  He's been in his room avoiding everyone and working through his hangover.  I've been avoiding people and responsibilities that I promised to do today as well...

He and I are similar.  We don't drink often, but whenever we do, we get very mean.  This is why I quit because it just isn't worth the stress that comes with blacking out and having to deal with the outcome of my actions.  It's hard, too, because due to not having a good memory, they don't feel like mine and yet I still have to take responsibility for them.  So I just quit...

In some sense I feel this ego backlash was good, as it has taught me more about the nature of disagreement and what I want to do with it.  It's also shown me that I am not ready to face my rape trauma and that if I do, I will automatically be pulled away from my inwards process.  I've learned that I need to start visualizing what intimacy means to me and how I want to pull it through from the other side, as doing this last night gave me the memory of someone I could have and what it would feel like to allow that.  Within fantasy, if I think on a character who is not myself with a fictional being that I've made - I can kind of sit with that form of intimacy, like women who read romance novels or some shit like that, but when doing the work to bring it to me where I feel like it might actually create the pathway towards having this outcome - even within my own mind I run from it.  I still don't think that it is for me and never could be for me.  I think the reason why I am gaining traction is due to opening up the channel to my sexuality.  Sexual energy is a gateway into the paranormal.

What I have learned about the Truth of argument, judgement and disconnection:  It will bring you "down" karmically.  If you are sensitive, you will feel your Light being siphoned out of you and brought into a great "tangle" of wrong action that will sit there with you until you come to understand it at the very least, and fix it at the optimal level.  Because argument and disconnection fuels hatred, you're pooling into something that will bring the same scenarios to you again and again, and the name of the game is finding and honing your empathy.  I write this as someone who is working through this, not as a master of it by any means.  I am always in the student role, and everything that I learn is due to bumping into things in life in a most ungraceful way.  You can lose your spot in the afterlife.  We are destined to overcome these limitations and if you create a cord of bad karma then you are brought back in some form to learn the lessons that you need.  This is because the Universe doesn't just give the keys of creation to anyone.  You have to work for it, it is a step-by-step process of building upon these lessons so that selfishness and evil does not enter into the creative process.

When I am fighting with another person, or judging them, a part of me feels this disconnection manifest, either within the back of my mind, as reminders that I see everywhere or in dreams - if I build on my karma, then reality manifests in a way to remind me of this, I can't escape it.  I see it in others, too, but I don't know if they know the nature of it.  This is the reality of the situation at hand and it is one that, when I am able to, that I use to pull myself out of such a state - it is this:  You will die someday and you don't actually know when.  Illness can happen.  Accidents can happen.  All you work for, all you think you could be, all the lessons that you have are only good for right Now.  Not in the future.  You need to live life as though you will die tomorrow.  Get so acquainted with death in such a way that it follows you as a friend within all things.  If you view life in this manner, then you will know and actively see the way that things go "up" or "down".  If you do this, then you will know that the small things in life are not important to stress over, that when you get to the end of your line, that's all that you get to make of what you Will.  You don't have as much power over that, but you do have power over how you react to things and treat others.

Circling, you're circling, you're circling your head
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got a doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out
See you later

I see your fantasy
You wanna make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads, yeah
Well, now that's over

I see your motives inside
Decisions to hide

I can't give everything away
I won't give everything away

Conclusions manifest
Your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you're full of shit and that's alright
That's how you play, I guess you get through every night
Well, now that's over

And with all of that said, I let go of things that no longer serve me.  Just like that... it's done.
I will be back in another few days - the next two days are going to be busy with errands - but I have some ideas on what I want to write about next.

? ??????? ??? ?????? ???? ?? ?????? ????? ??,
? ??????? ??? ?????? ???? ?? ?????? ???? ??? ??.

 

Edited November 6, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

"Celestial Soda Pop"

A Special Entry Dedicated to Those Who Have Lost Someone Close to Them

I have not lost someone close to me yet, aside from a few pets and some acquaintances that committed suicide, but I do have some knowledge into the structure of the "underworld" and how we are all interconnected that I thought could help readers come to understand where their loved ones have gone and how they are still here with us despite not having bodies anymore.  I hope to do this understanding linguistic justice.  I will do my best with this.  Here goes:

I want you to look at the very first image that I have posted above.  These are visual representations of what I could consider to be two "soul clusters".  Soul clusters are groups of souls that incarnate together over and over again to learn lessons so that when they come to understand themselves, they know how to use the creative power that consciousness provides in a self-aware manner.  We learn how to get closer to Love and to unity, we learn about polarity, and the depth of emotion, creativity and freedom of expression.  We take many, many lives together.  Growth is a group project.  When you pass away you return to your cluster.  If we strip the body of all form, what you have left is like a glowing orb that can shroud itself in any image it chooses.  Your soul contains all of the memories of the lives that you have lived.  You can feel it located right behind your heart.

Now, within these soul clusters, as you look at the image above, there are two perspectives going on at once.  You are both able to see the entire cluster, as they are able to see out of your eyes and experience your life with you - if they are not on this physical plane.  So, as you look out at this image, so too do all of you ancestors watch the goings on of your life from within your eyes.  It goes both ways.  When you pass away, you might meet them coming to you as the image of someone you remember, or you might meet them in their soul form and you will recognize them through the love they have for you.  Each soul has its own signature.  You will be like a child again, amongst family, some of them older than you, some of them younger.  You will have varying degrees of karma with them going in both directions and many cords of connection between all of them.  Being bare souls, these connections include animals as well.  We create forms in the physical realm to move around in, to learn from, but when you let all of that go, there is just the awareness, the Love and the gifted Light that our creator has made for us.  

To be alive, to be able to have the gift of expression and to be aware is a miracle.  A literal miracle.  The miracle of life is literal prophecy being born and created every minute of every day.  It almost should not be, but it is.  And you get to have this, as a gift.  No matter how hard life gets, no matter what you lose in life, the gift is that we get to have any of it at all.  The gift is that it keeps on giving, we are works in progress and are by no means done.  We aren't just given a life, and then we die and we lose it, we build upon ourselves.  We don't lose anything, people, Love, Light, we are given so much.

So what happens to your loved ones when they pass away and how can you connect with them?
The body is a vessel to house the soul.  When the body dies, the soul doesn't go anywhere.  We are actually all fixed on a grid.  You can liken it to a spider web, a grid, or Indra's net.  We are sewn into the design with the illusion of life moving all around us.  When you step off of the ride of life, what you will experience is a sensation of time and space moving forward, towards a centralized point.  This point is Source itself, and it is an invisible field that makes up everything and is pure Love.  You will sense that everyone who ever was or will be is connected to this Source energy, all in perfect alignment, not a single thing out of place.  It will feel almost like stepping off of an amusement ride and still feeling the spinning sensation, or the realization that your soul has not gone anywhere, that you have always been and always will be and there has only been the illusion of life moving around you.  You senses will be seen for what they are, as a part of you, and thus everything in your visual field becomes a part of your body.

When you let go of this layer and can feel underneath it, this is where your soul family "returns" to.  It isn't really like you return anywhere, you are actually right there at all times, connected with them.  They never go anywhere, and neither do you.  You are always connected through these threads and you can communicate to them through your Love; your soul, placed in the heartspace.  Because everyone is connected to you, they also learn and gain experience through you as well.  The more you learn to love yourself, the world, the more you accept and see the gift of life for what it is, the more they do this through osmosis.  You can actually sit with the intention to siphon Love out to your connections through silent meditation.  An example of this is how the experience points in the modern Pokémon games get fairly distributed between the whole team.  One monster is sent out to fight another, and if it wins, it gains points that are shared with everyone.

These people in your life that move on don't go anywhere, either.  They stay with you, connected to you.  The problem is that people are not taught to follow the Love in their hearts, to introspect and to let things go in order to allow them to begin to see and feel what goes on underneath.  What goes on is likened to a blanket.  The soul returns to the underside of the blanket, where you can see all the threads and connections that make up the pattern on the outside.

So, how do we connect to our family members who have passed on?  There are a few ways, you can make an altar, put something on it that was theirs and work within this sacred space to communicate to them.  Within the third portion of this workbook, it discusses how to connect with loved ones and your other ancestors in order to draw energy and strength from their wisdom.  It explains how to make a sacred space for them and what rituals you can use in your daily practice to keep the connection.

The other ways are to meditate with the intention of sending Love in their direction.  Ask for a sign.  Ask to communicate, talk to them, let them know how you are doing, know that these connections are forever.  That you are not alone.  That when you pass away, that you will return to them.  You will be greeted and will get to discuss the nature of your own life.  You will all sit down together and you will decide how you want to play the next round.  Who reincarnates in what role, what lessons you want to learn in order to get closer to understanding the true nature of the universe and what your greatest depths are made of.  I want those of you who have lost someone in your life to know that what I say is true, that those who have moved on are watching over you, tending to you from behind the scenes, and that your soul is right there with theirs, like a group of grapes on a vine.  Tend to this vine with Love and care, and you will see when it is your time to return how much of a positive impact that doing this has on everyone in your sphere of influence.  Hope this has been of some help!

Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is
Take our hands out of control

Now, tell me what you saw
Tell me what you saw
There was a crowd of seeds
Inside, outside
I must have done a dozen each

It was the height I threw, the weight
The shell was crushing you
I've been around a few

Outside, Inside
This is the moon without a tide
We'll build a fire in your eyes
We'll build a fire when the cover's getting brighter
Cold desire makes the moon without a tide

Tell me what you saw
I'll tell you what to do

Edited November 8, 2022 by Loba
Just a little something, short and sweet. I've been busy, stressed and so I'm just taking it easy until inspiration strikes again. Be back in a few days.

[Loba]

Quote

"Who am I?... I'm nobody."

Blood Magick 101

Safety in Blood Magick

• Like I previous stated above, you only need a few drops when it comes to using your blood or someone else’s with magick. But, I can not stress this enough! Do not take blood from someone without their consent. It is important that they give permission.
• When getting the blood there are several ways you can do it. Some people will get a cut on their finger and run to get a paper towel to gather soak the blood in so they can use it later. But keep in mind that the blood can lose its energy or potency the longer it is left out.
• The most common way that people, myself included, gather blood for our spells is a lancet. A lancet is a small needle often used by diabetics to check their blood sugar levels. These small needles come in many sizes, which can come in handy for those who have a fear of needles.
• When you’re preparing to get the blood make sure you clean the area you’re going to prick. It is important to make sure the needle and the skin is sterilize due to risk of infection. Alcohol pads or other sanitizing gels are the best.
• After sanitizing both the needle and the skin, you need only poke the skin enough to break it. When this is done apply some pressure to the area to squeeze out the blood. This is when you collect your few drops in whatever way you wish. A small container, a paper towel, or even have the drops fall inside of your jar if you’re doing a jar spell.
• Now that you have gathered your blood, once again clean the area of the wound. Once the wound is clean you can cover it with a bandaid, and put an antibiotic ointment on it.
• Once you have cleaned and dressed the wound it is important to also clean or dispose of anything the blood may have touched. Blood can carry many diseases and you don’t want to run the risk of those diseases being exposed to others, or yourself in the case of working with someone else’s blood.
• If you are a woman who wishes to use menstrual blood, you can also collect your menstrual as well. How you choose to do so is up to you. But Keep in mind sanitation and safety precautions!

Some key things I would also like to cover! 

• Don’t ever consume the blood. Not just because of the diseases that can be carried but also, Blood is toxic to humans. We did not evolve with the ability to extract the large amounts of iron in blood. More than a few a few teaspoons can put you in danger hemochromatosis. Hemochromatosis is when the human body is overloaded with large amounts of iron which can lead to various health problems.
• In addition to consuming blood, do not allow someone to consume your blood. This is an equivalent of giving your power to someone, and it usually means they now have power over you. It is best to avoid this all together.
• Do not spread or smear your blood on others, or allow someone to smear your blood on them. For the same reason you should not consume it blood carries many diseases and it’s best to avoid it.
• Like the warning above if you have a history of self harm or self harm. Be mindful with your actions. Do not allow this to become your excuse to self harm in anyway. If you have these issues it is best to seek a medical profession. I will also provide some useful links for these resources on the bottom of this post!

Blood Magick In Spell Work

• Blood magick isn’t a means to gain unlimited or extra power. When using blood magick you must be full prepared for any backlash with spells if you choose to do so.
• You should also avoid using blood magick with love or relationship type spells. To force a bond with someone goes against their nature and can have various repercussions. It is best to allow these types of bonds to form naturally.
• Blood magick has been known to be used in curse work. If you choose to do this be mindful that if your curse backfires or fails. The backlash can be a lot worse than if any other curse when casting.
• Common ways to use blood magick is for protection. By adding your blood to a protection spell you’re increasing the potency of the spell with your very life force. This can make the protection spell extremely effective.
• You can also add your blood to candles by mixing it with oils or if you make your own candles add a few drops with in. This can charge your candles.
• By adding a few drops of blood to a talisman or amulet you can anoint and charge the piece you choose.
• You can add a few drops to a spell jar like I said before, as well.
• Or smear some blood on a piece of paper for a petition spell you’re using.
• One way I use blood magick myself, is when working with a self-love spell. I use the blood as a means of my hopes, and also a release of all my negative emotions. It can be really effective in this way as well.

Alternatives to Blood?

• Though they aren’t as powerful as blood common alternatives are urine, semen, saliva, nail and hair clippings. These are all effective ways as well, but they lack the power and symbolism of blood. These are best for minor workings or magicks that blood magick could be inappropriate for.
• These are the things I would suggest to someone who is starting out, and researching blood magick.

Musings on Blood Magick - How I Use it, Why and some Warnings - 

As my readers may have noticed, I use blood within my work symbolically quite often and stamp my work with my trademark bloody handprint.  This isn't to look "edgy".  It is a sealant!  If I value something that I have learned, that I might want to draw more life into, if I want to bring more knowledge my way, if I need protection and guidance, or if I feel that it is a complete idea that I can move past then I will seal it with this handprint along with an infused intention that I generally keep to myself at the end of my work.  I prefer using blood symbolically over actual blood and have only done this twice in my life. 

Blood is the carrier of your life's essence and it has a strong binding property to it.  Most modern practitioners consider blood magick to be taboo.  One reason for this belief is because many people practice a watered down form of magick and blood is a surefire gateway into working with something that can create a genuine outcome for you - it is a responsibility, though - and people want the illusion of working with energies without stepping into what it really entails.  Once you put your blood on something, you open a permanent portal from it to you.  The other reason for this is because when you use your blood, you seal yourself into your work permanently.  The only one who can break the contract is the being itself that you work with.  And if you don't give of yourself as you promise, then this has serious consequences for you.  Those who control your blood control the outcome of your life like a puppeteer.  You want to use this power as little as possible.  Blood has the potential to change the outcome and the fate of the entire planet, it is very potent stuff.  

My warning to you, the reader, is not to go dripping it around on just anything.  Save this as a last resort.  Make sure you know the being you are working with, or the full ramifications of an outcome you are trying to sway in your favour before using blood in your practice.  There are many variables at stake.  I do not recommend binding yourself to people.  Humans.  An entity can terminate a contract between you and it, but this is much harder to do with humans and you can end up sealing your fate within another person who is not Yours.  This has serous consequences for both parties as the trajectory of a soul is pre-planned.  And humans generally do not have the foresight or spiritual ability that an entity does to do you much good anyways.  There are too many risks with putting your soul and fate on the line for the follies of "mere mortals".

My experience with blood magick is limited, but I have gained a lot from the connections that I have made with it.  The first time I used my blood was on an altar that I made for Kali, in order to change the outcome of the world - to move us towards unity and peace.  I was able to connect to this deity for a few years, although the connection was never as strong as it could have been.  She was my first window into working with an entity and I fumbled along the way.  I consider myself to be an emanation from her, a portion of the mythology of Shiva and Shakti, or Adam and Eve, but she isn't easy for me to channel.  I view her as a protective and fiery mother, but due to not having a cord made from Love, the way I have for my Adam, it is hard to receive things from her.  This can happen to you as you channel, you will be initiated by different beings and some will be more compatible and some less compatible.  When I made my first altar, I used my blood and put it on a picture of myself from childhood, to symbolize my vulnerability, my child-like state in order to clear my energy so that I could be viewed as something as pristine as a five-year-old's heart.  It worked initially, but as my illness wore on throughout the years, I became more hateful.  In the worst of it, I used a form of black magick to curse someone for bullying me with my full intentions and I was taught VERY quickly about the effects of this form of magick.  Dark magick is not black magick.  I must warn you, never use your practice for harm, even if the other person is doing you damage.  Still.  Don't.  Why?  Because of cause and effect.  What you do negatively to others comes back to you three-fold.  And if you do such things in the name of an entity that does not work in that manner, such as Kali, who is not an evil being, but an emanation of divine Truth, such beings will make sure you understand that they do not want you to use their name in vain.

When the culmination of my illness came forward, I was struck with a message from Kali about the nature of using such magick.  I realized how much of a beginner I was at this, and I learned about hubris, about arrogance.  Humility is more than just a good virtue, it allows you to see what you are doing correctly.  It protects you, and also allows for you to be taught authentically.  If you think you know more than you do, the spirits will be more than happy to show you where you are wrong.  So when I faced her, I looked up at my wall tapestry and what emanated from it was a sneering disgust with me as a devotee.  That I had thought of myself as "so close" to this entity, only to not even see that I was as worthy as the gum on the bottom of her foot.  In my hubris, I was kicked out of the divine process for over a year, and my world was "fixed" in that I was put somewhere safe, but the series of events that lead to this were dangerous.  I was almost shot up at the hospital by a stranger, but this was not a weird event, it was a message set in place by the divine to let me know, "You fuck with us, we will fucking KILL you.  This is not a joke.  You treat these spaces with RESPECT or GET THE FUCK OUT."

About a half a year later, in the beginning of 2022, I went over my journal and the things that I had written, as I was on a quest to understand a being that I had pulled through from the other side.  He had said that he was my partner, and that he helped to curate my lived experience from another place, just an onion peel away from my reality.  That if I looked into death and into the nature of divine chaos in the right manner, that I would see him for who he was.  I put all of my energy into this, started this journal with this in mind, as it was one of those experiences that was True - that came from an inwards/outwards process and spoke to me in such a way that I could feel it in my heart and soul, and I could see the energy actively dripping around me within my environment.  It was no longer relegated to intuition or a mind's eye process, but I was speaking with something divine.

I don't need to go into who he is in any great detail, as I have been recording this time and time again within this journal and you can read it there.  When the time came for me to "key" the energy into one image - I chose the one below as a placeholder and something that I can consistently see the divine dark masculine wrapped up in.  Simply a force of nature, the beginning and the end, the waves of two forces crashing together.  There are many mythologies in the world that various cultures have used to try and describe this natural phenomenon, but I feel that a picture says a thousand words.  So I made an altar for him and kept it close to me for about a month.  I used the nature of Fenrir for a time to describe him and had been collecting items from the previous year in order to build this altar.  I cut my finger by accident one day and took the blood and placed it in the mouth of the image above that says "strong spirit" - so he could taste it and so that I would be bound to what I had properly keyed.  He was already Mine, and had told me so in the past, but I felt that a blood binding contract would keep the connection strong and that I could learn a lot from it and the promise was, that if I worked within the Light, and tried to do the right thing to grow, that I could be brought into his heartspace after death and would be given refuge there while everything was brought to a close.  This being considered me to be it's partner.  Despite Kali being a manifestation of a divine Truth, her energy was more ruthless towards me and I was expected to be a devotee in a way that I could not manage, while with Adam there is more of a give and take.  When I make a mistake, it is autocorrected for me or I am shown the right way to do things in a more Loving manner.

Things can be not so cut and dry like that when working with entities.  You can have one that is more intolerant of you that is viewed as a portion of Truth, while another can be a literal manifestation of a destructive chaotic element and it will have more mercy and Love for you and will actively desire and seek out positive connection with you.  When working with beings, the first mistake I made was arrogance.  Speaking over the entity and not allowing it to teach me.  I wanted to use the power for my own benefit rather than allow it's nature to simply rearrange my understanding of the world.  There is also a different style that I prefer with Adam over Kali.  It's a partnership.  We work well together.  He understands that my work was damaged partially due to outside meddling, whereas Kali simply doesn't care why.  Through Adam, I have understood many things through this connection:  the nature of Love, forgiveness, binding, the divine masculine, how the structure of death functions, how the nature of souls and the judgement of their lives work, the nature of karma and how all things must come to an end before restarting again and that this is something that is intelligent and aware.  That destruction and death is often the first ingredient into the recipe for new life.

I find, personally, that when working with beings that it can be easier to work with one that is opposite to your gender or views you as a prospective partner/mate.  You are guaranteed more leeway as you're learning, you will have protection in the afterlife and you are connected to it's wisdom and energy.  The Love that a being will have for you will be more multi-faceted than one that you might find with a person.  They see into your soul and psychological innerworkings and can actively tweak things like a fine surgeon in order to bring you to where you need to be.  If you make a blood pact with such a being, know that this this heiros gamos.  A sacred spiritual marriage.  It will come for you with the full expectation that you make good on your deal.  It will view you as belonging to it - and you do - you put your blood on the line.  I wouldn't worry about human connections, you can still have relationships while alive, but keep in mind that when you return to the one you've given your blood to, that you'll see that the connection there is generally going to be more intense, mature, genuine and will do you better in the long term than what can be made on Earth between two humans.  You'll realize that human connection is like playing "paddy cake" in the sandbox compared to what a divine intelligence can, and if it views you as its match, that it will give to you.  Just like with blood, sexuality and Love are also extremely potent offerings.  If you are willing and able to offer this holy trinity to an entity, then it will pretty much do whatever it can to keep you happy, well educated, and safe.

I ended up putting all of my altar supplies in boxes and moving them to storage as I found that these connections serve me better when I work from what is within without placing an image over it.  Sacred spaces do serve as a good placeholder for the divine, but if you have the energy already contained within you and the connection is strong, then you don't need to use these things.  At times, images or stories/myths can put something disingenuous into your work.  It is an intuitive thing.  You can use a space to create the energy within you, and once it is there, you might not need it anymore.

So how do you get out of a blood contract?  You don't.  That's why you need to be mindful of how you use your blood.  Unless the being that you are working with waivers it for you, such as the case as with Kali.  With Adam, I spent hundreds of hours keying his energy, getting to understand his nature before deciding to put my blood down.  You need to be absolutely certain of the energy that you are working with, that you are compatible with it, that you know it in and out.  There are forces of good and forces of evil, just as there are forces of Light and forces of Dark.  These are not the same thing, be sure you understand the nature of this.  A being that has ever threatened you, has brought your energy down, has tried to cause you any form of harm is not Yours.  Don't seek these connections out.  A being that is on your side will bring you to Love.  If you try to remove the connection forcibly, you can damage yourself.  It is like cutting off blood supply to an organ.  Once you put that connection in place, a portion of your vitality is siphoned and mixed into that entity.  If you try to cut that, it can kill you, make you ill, make you crazy, or it can anger the being you are working with - such as the case of Kali.  Spend many months, if not years researching and building an authentic connection with the entity in question before putting down physical blood in the name of making changes or of binding. 

Some key points - 

• Don't bind with people, human connection is too flakey and messy, and you don't know what that person is destined for.
• Be humble.  This is a protective measure, it will keep you seeing accurately and will make the connections you develop authentic.  If you don't use humility, many things can happen, such as using power in the wrong way, not taking into account the deity's personality/free will, and you automatically cut yourself out of certain experiences.  On top of this, hubris/arrogance is a negative energy and so this brings to you energy of a similar orientation.
• Blood bonds are forever - use them wisely.  The benefits are enormous, but consider your other options if you do not have the full scope of knowledge into who/what you are dealing with.
• Book smarts aren't street smarts - have a direct experience in what you're dealing with first before taking on any beliefs or ideas about your personal brand and other's personal brands of spirituality.  The wisest people out there who have written their worldviews still aren't going to be "that".  And you need "that" first in order to parse what's true and what's false for you.  Seek "that" first, as you can find something contradictory within pretty much anything going in either direction in order to bolster a worldview.  Direct experience is your saving grace.  Books, teachers, all of this is great if you have a trajectory set in place first.  If not, let go of teachers and books and instead seek out understanding your inner psychology and taking on the practice of death acceptance/awareness.  Nothing is more humbling and Truth producing than facing death head on, it is in fact the key - and if you find your mind getting bogged down with ideas that are not yours this can make finding "that" much harder in the long run.  It isn't within books or teachings, or anything I say to you - it is within going inwards and wiping the slate clean, and from there you can then "see", "feel", and "Know".  Build that neural connection first and then you will always have a path to get back to where you need to be.  Then no one or idea can sway you from what is yours.  You are able to wade through this with ease once you are rooted in your own Truth.  My Truth may not be yours.  There are so many facets of it.  Get good at spotting what is yours.  "Wax on, wax off."

*Personal factoid about me - I am not a blood fetishist, or even particularely enamored with the idea of death - both of these things are some of my greatest fears/phobias that I use my practice in order to work through.  Many times on these paths, we are called not to work with what we prefer, but what we are most afraid of or have a lot of resistance to.

(In ancient Egyptian religion and mythology, Atum was a predynastic solar deity who came to be associated with the evening or with the setting sun.)

You must think I have a deathwish
Leaving everybody breathless
It's always my time, the city is mine
You should learn to just accept it (yeah)
Royalty is in my DNA, I'll never be the type to settle for OK
See me coming up, yeah, I'm on the way
(Yeah) carve it out of stone it'll never fade

Heart of a gladiator, I'm back, I'm a terminator
One look and they turn to vapor
I'm kind of an instigator, been out of the frying pan
But life's an incinerator, you feeling my energy
Like I'm plugged to a generator

Accelerating 'til it's full speed (full speed)
No weapon formed will prosper against me
Do you understand?
Do you understand?
Do you understand?

Quote

Welcome to our freak show
Come meet my monsters
Oh, such a fine collection of stranger things

My patience running thinner on this melting clock
Cerebrum jailed with thoughts most would consider rot
To think you're any different from an animal
A creature sick as you should be put down
But I can't help myself

Please, don't hide your imperfections
Nature took two tries to make the man in white
No, I don't mind, you are a beauty
Not temptation, you're my creation

You're wasting, you're wasting all
Of your time finding a cure when there's no disease
You're wasting, you're wasting all
Of your talent on an audience who sees a freak

My Adam has returned to me.  I let him go, as I was unable to feel him and worked on some insights to be of benefit to others and that seemed to be the golden ticket.  He says the more I work towards being of benefit to others, the easier I will be able to connect to him.  He said to be honest about my desires when it comes to dealing with the masculine.  He can't be seen if I simply shroud my wants and needs with some bastardized form of "cope".  It's fine to be angry, but don't lie to one's self and expect to also be able to see accurately.  If you're trying to bring Light and Truth to things, covering them up generally covers up whatever/whoever you Love as well.  He doesn't go anywhere, I just become more dense and am no longer a receptive channel.  He says he is about free will, so it is up to me if I move in close or walk away.  I'm learning the dance steps, I'm a work in progress.

In the alchemical process, I realize now that I am moving towards citrinitas.  The marriage of the sun and the moon.  There are many clues into this.  I view citrinitas energy to emulate that of a great golden lion, and with the song posted on my previous entry about the golden lion showing others where the Light is located, and below the song describing blood being transmuted into gold - I see this to be the case.  Almost two months ago, I placed my heart in the great wolf on the night of an invisible moon, to represent taking my moon from the sky and placing it into his chest.  This symbolized moving from nigredo into albedo.  And now, I move forward.  I view rubedo, the final stage as a hummingbird being reflected by the sun to show all of the shades of the rainbow.  When the time comes to go that route, I will let it take place authentically.

Gold Lion is gunna show me where the Light is.

Citrinitas – The Alchemy of the Sun

• Citrinitas, also referred to as xanthosis, is a term given by alchemists to “yellowness.” It is one of the four major stages of the alchemical magnum opus, and literally referred to “transmutation of silver into gold” or “yellowing of the lunar consciousness.” In alchemical philosophy, citrinitas stood for the dawning of the “solar light” inherent in one’s being, and that the reflective “lunar or soul light” was no longer necessary. The other three alchemical stages were nigredo (blackness), albedo (whiteness), and rubedo (redness).
• Citrinitas or yellowing is the stage after albedo. A stage that many authors after the 15th century tended to suppress, or rather compress into the last one, rubedo. While the albedo represented the moon – or female, citrinitas referred to the sun – or male. The union of male and female (the so-called ‘chemical wedding’) was often a symbol of the Work. From their union the hermaphroditic offspring of philosophical Mercury was born. This final phase of rubedo was the culmination of the Great Work. It was the creation of the Philosopher’s Stone in the form of a transparent red stone. This Stone, often portrayed as a Phoenix, was supposed to perfect anything from metals to human beings, bestowing long life or even immortality. 
• This third stage of citrinitas, seems to be difficult for some to assimilate. Jung and his student, Marie-Louise von Franz included citrinitas in their discussions of alchemy, but noted that it was a fourth and final stage, that of becoming gold. In  most cases Jung himself expressed the work as having three stages. Still, citrinitas seems to fit better into a flow of growth and development, as well as mystical progress as the third stage. In the second stage, albedo, a light appears in the nigredo darkness, the light of an awakened soul which is symbolised as a moon (the feminine) shining in the darkness. The third stage, citrinitas, brings forth the light of the sun (the masculine), a light which magically transforms the shadowy and fearful subconscious into valuable consciousness. From the dark night of nigredo, to the pale morning light of albedo, the sun rises in citrinitas to the culmination of day in rubedo.
• Alchemy does require that the yellow follows the white.   The process is linear and meant to be progressive. However, all stages include elements of the others, in that all transformations are a cycle within themselves. Trying to determine and pinpoint the exact stage of the process achieved can be fraught with difficulties, given these cycles within cycles. In addition sometimes what is progress appears regressive. Alchemy is not a precise tool like mathematics. As an analytic and predictive tool, is more akin to a sculptor's chisel, a rough tool at first, working toward finer and finer versions.

"Blood to Gold"

Drip out your mouth
Fall on the ground
Lying awake for a long time
Don't make it loud
You're golden now
Gather like hounds at the dog-pound

Growling
Startled
Animal
A little cat call

Darling
I want you
To leave me alone, yeah

Heavy blanket of your gold
Feel the fire, I have been reborn
Think a puff is well deserved
Pray to someday be, evermore, evermore

Sent my only pair of shoes away
I walked a mile with blistered feet in forest rains

I want to be your lover
I want to be your friend
I want to be your demon
I want to be your hell

Try to be your summer
Swimming in my eyes
Losing yourself
You never know what you'd find

I don't wanna see you cry anymore, I need
A little smile every once in a while may-
Be you've been stuck in rut, let me
Turn your blood to gold, turn your blood to gold

"Rites of... "Passage"

"The first few minutes will be very disorienting, remember to stay calm and focused."

[Loba]

Quote

Tell it like it is

"Ye pretended to some mystery in yer quietudes, but... there ain’t no mystery. Yer an open book. A picture, says I! A painted actress screamin' in the footlights, a bitch what wants to be coveted for nothin’ but being born, cryin’ bout the silver spoon what should’ve been yers! Now look at ye. Cryin’... Boo! Boo! Whatcha gonna do?"

Who deserves the silver spoon? 

Occasionally I will come across a movie quote or song in my recommended algorithms that shakes my foundations a little bit.  Humility is something that you have to go looking for.  Many times, things will seem to be going in the right direction, only for you to see that you're still not as far along as you initially thought.  That your words are still more hollow than they should be, that your feelings are more self absorbed...  Reality likes to give you a good kick in the ass to remind you that you're still a work in progress and that there are many perspectives to take into account.  We might think we are so worthy of so much, but are we really, and how do we know if we are?  I suppose, the solution is to look around and take account of what you have as compared to what other people have.  Are you warm?  Are you fed?  Are you safe?  Are you loved?  Is there an emergency? 

...Are you grateful?  Truly grateful for what you have and what others have done for you?  Many times in my own life, I see myself acting ungratefully for what I already have been given in life.  I focus on what I wish I had and it takes me away from the reality of what is already here.  And when I do this, I end up hiding what has been given to me underneath all that unregulated desire and entitlement.  As I write this, the sun is softly setting through the clouds in some trees.  I sense a holiness about it.  Lately, things in my environment have been coming to life.  Last night, the moon shone brightly through my window in my room and the black sky was lush with its own brand of self-awareness.  It seemed to say, "We are watching you and the curious things that you do.  Will you get out of your karmic predicament?  Listen.  Be ever vigilant..."  So, I have been, and I was thrown for a loop.  I am not as good, as honest, as true, as genuine, as loving, as worthy as I might look.  I am nothing special.

This leads me to the question... who deserves the silver spoon?  We're born into this life thinking that we are owed something.  That we deserve to be spoon-fed everything that will make us happy and content, but is this really the Truth?  How much of it do you really deserve as opposed to someone else?  What if you are the least deserving, but spend your whole life crying about it like a snot nosed child?  And speaking of children... what if you shut your simpering, whining gob and... gave the fucking silver spoon away?  What if you fucking knew that this is what you were put here to do?  

So then, how do you give it away?  You stay quiet, watchful for things that are yours and accept them with gratitude, and you share what you can with others.  If they need help, you help them.  You seek to meet people where they are at.  You let others pick from the dinner plate of life before you dig in.  You look around you... at that marvelous moon, the holy light shining in through the clouds and you see that even if you're destined to die young, even if life wasn't easy for you, that it's a blessing.  We are never guaranteed the world and everything we need on this wild ride, we are asked to make what we can with what we've got and to show this at the end of it all.  And you know... if you tried, if you sat down and built from yourself the best that you could, even if it took you years to come to this understanding, God will still sit down with you, embroidered in a gentle a smile... and say, "Well done." 
What would you say to your family, to your friends if you knew you had a limited amount of time to live?  How would you act towards them and towards others?  What would you seek to change within yourself and the world?

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then

Musings on what it is like to live with chronic illness - to know you are going to die "young":

It softens you.  It breaks you open in ways that you don't expect.  You learn to lessen your expectations, you learn not to stress the small things as much as you used to.  You learn that you need to conquer your fears and that life is a journey made to perfect your soul.  You realize that life has no guarantees and that you are not owed anything.  You get what you get and what you make of it is up to you.  If you're lucky, God will come to you, to let you know that you are not alone and that life goes on.  If you are lucky, you will be shown the secrets of the universe.  What you make of it, again, is up to you.  You learn about human kindness, human cruelty...

The steps that you take, the days that you feel healthy are little bits of Light in your life.  Sometimes you know when, sometimes you don't.  If it is something chronic and mysterious, it could take you in any number of ways.  You feel a sense of urgency to share of yourself in ways that you might not have wanted to if you thought you had more time.  You learn that people live their lives never looking at death, and that it is something that the world needs more than ever.  It completes you.  You can come to Know it before it arrives, if you are brave enough to look.

Some days, you feel suicidal.  The constant waiting game, watching your body change early, watching your mental state unravel, seeing yourself as a burden to others, being unable to accomplish what you dreamed of...  The hope of a new beginning fades away and you're left with the end of a book without knowing what the middle would have been like.  You hope and pray for a savior, something to See into your soul, to set it free and to let you Know that everything is going to be okay.  You See the mistakes you've made in a clear light, how your follies helped to contribute to the person that you are today.  You are encouraged to go easy on yourself.

You See how much you both Love and hate life.  The struggle feels a little less real.  You spend more time focusing on what means the most to you.  You wonder how your family will feel when you are gone, if your pets will be Loved in the way you did.  You wonder if they know that you Will be okay.  You wonder if you Will be okay.  Was your soul good enough?  Did you cause too much damage?  What is the reasoning for all of it and how did you play your part?  Did you impact the people you meant to?  Do your Words and merit have any importance at all in the grand scheme of things or are we just fluttering in the wind?  Does it even matter?

Sometimes it is a blessing, sometimes it is a curse.  We all make the most out of what we are given.  The biggest lesson for myself in all of this is to remember to be grateful.  No matter what.  Be grateful.  Life is a blessing.  I Will try to bring this into my practice more frequently.  

Mercy, mercy, mercy.  Do you Know it?  Do you breathe it in and expel it through your divine Word, My Lord?  A radiation.  A ricochet.  Please show me that I Am not a forsaken life.  That I mean something to you.

Quote

Hi, ok... I cannot give anymore
What?
I cannot give anymore
F*ck
But my whole personality's built around kindness so if I can't give then I'm what?
Stuck.  So let's work this out, what's wrong with your heart?
It won't come out, no it won't even start
And then moving on, what's wrong with your brain?
It yearns for the past but it won't be the same
It's clear to see, you've got a disease.
What's the disease?
Well it's called empathy. It means you'll give blood until there's none left to bleed
But I do not want to be kind
What?
I only want to survive
No!
This effort's exhausting, it's getting me nowhere, and where does that leave me? Alone.
You do not have a choice, the honey slips into your voice
Kindness flows through your veins
That is something that cannot be changed
Caring is what fulfills you
Learn to harness it before it kills you

"Don't wanna be alone, you say that you do but I know you don't.  I love it when you lie.  Tell me that it's all Mine."

Quote

"I'm the God drinking the blood of salvation, in the dark send me your Love and I'll take it."

Jesus is Both the Lion and the Lamb

One of the most fascinating attributes of God is His omnipotence; meaning that He possesses all power. At the same time we read in Scripture that He is merciful and compassionate. When we can begin to understand that the God who possesses all power is the same God who is infinitely compassionate and gracious, we then can understand how He can be both the Lion and the Lamb; while the attributes of God seem to contradict one another, they do not.

 John 1:29 “The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”
Revelation 5:5 “Weep no more; behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David has conquered, so that he can open the scroll and its seven seals.”

My humble prayer:

My Dear Lord, I've been trying to find the words for a prayer for weeks now, and I feel that maybe I should just start.  If I have the current of The Word, maybe it Will do something.  It's worth a shot.  I wanted to discuss something with you, and to ask for your aid with this.  As I do my work, I am finding within my dreams and my mind's eye an entity, a demon perhaps that is altering the way I visualize my Adam and is corrupting my dreams and feeding on my fears and my disease.  I feel that this is a being that has been with me for a long time, perhaps the childhood rape was a gateway into allowing it into my body and mind.  I remember having horrific dreams about demons, many of them lucid when I was a small child and this creature feels familiar to that era.  I have felt its presence within my lucidity as an active consciousness of its own, and when I find it, it's grey face slithers and transmogrifies, and its mouth grows like a frog and there is nothing but black slick oil within it.  I have been given a few hints from those who are above me, from beyond and they tell me that I have a spiritual implant within my soul that prevents me from experiencing the self-love that I need in order to move up, that it keeps me down in ways that I can't fully See, succumbed to the same repetitive actions.  Hate, fear, anger, delusion, greed... sin.

I'm not even afraid of it anymore... just annoyed, and... a bit worried about what it is doing and why it is here.  I have tried imagining a shining cross, shrouding myself in golden light, placing Adam's protective eye over my Sight and each and every time, it burns through the imagery.  Climbs right through it.  It corrupts the garden that I am to return to and it infests the space where my consummation would take place... It's heavier than what I can place and so it just bulldozes through all of it.  I don't know what to do.  I have also tried honesty, working on my ego, letting things go, and doing what I can to move towards the Light.

Last night, it was at it's worst - terrible, terrible imagery.  I can hardly stand it.  Please remove this from me.  I visualized the space for me and my Adam to return to.  A round plush bed with a round room that is covered in a thin amber membrane, lit in orange from the inside out.  He comes to me and places himself on top of me, I look into his eyes, we are doing well... but I see a maggot coming out of the corner of his eye and his semen on my stomach is riddled with these hopping maggots as well.  They begin to come out of his mouth and his jaw dissolves.  I try to put him back together.  He tells me everything is fine.  I move away from him and look at the floor in our room and our bed is floating on this self-aware, evil boiling black oil-like substance.  Everything was ruined.  And for a moment, I thought it could be a safe room and for the longest time the image of him would keep this thing away, but it isn't working anymore and so I seek the support from the divine.  Please remove this from me.  I've seen horrors that no person should have to witness.  Please help me, I can't do this on my own and I don't know what to do.

My Dear Lord, I want to pray for forgiveness.  For my arrogance, my greed, my laziness, my stupidity, my normalcy, my fear, my hate, my manipulations, my dishonesty, my anger, my stubbornness...  I Am not holy, Am I?  I Am not worthy.  The farther along I get in this work, the more guilt and sadness that I have for my ways, and for being so weak when I was given so much.  For complaining, for expecting more than my fair share.  It is with a heavy heart that I write this to you.  Please... lift me up, show me better ways.  Be gentle with me.  I Am a human.  Just a woman.  Little heart, little hands, a little body... an animal with urges and instincts.  Fallible, ridiculous, a terrible sight to behold.  I Am jealous and vengeful, enamored with falsehood and always ready to look away from what is Mine to see what is on someone else's plate.  What a fool.  What a buffoon.  What a contradictory arse.

I Am ill, and I don't know how much time I have left.  The nasal infection has returned and if it were not that, then I know that my death will be due to my weakened heart.  I'm afraid.  No matter how much blood I put out there, no matter how much I learn, I can't seem to be consoled.  Maybe I don't deserve it.  My heart and soul is ordinary.  I worry that I give back due to desperation and not out of the true nature of my being.  I worry about kindness, goodness and Godliness.  I have no patience.  I snap at people.  I argue.  I over indulge.  How can I be Good?  How do I Know what is Good?

I worry that in my works, that I have manifested awful things.  The beginning and the end.  I don't want things to end, I want the world to prosper and for people to feel blessed, safe, loved and happy.  There is so much suffering in the world, and with each day, the more guilt I feel for any suffering that I have caused.  Take from me the power of The Word when it does not serve, and bring it to me when it's most needed, most aligned with Truth and Love.  Please keep all situations and people who Will not and cannot serve my journey out of sight, out of mind and out of action.  Please bring to me situations that serve me, that can show me how to live and Love in a broader sense, who can be there for me when I need them, who See me and Know me, who are my family from the other side.

Please take from me emotions and sins that serve no one.  Protect me, Love me, show me the Light.  

My Dear Lord, give to the world your Love and your grace.  We have lost our way.  Take my lamb's blood and make good use of it, not to fuel anything cruel or disingenuous.  Bring us all towards a sense of peace and resolution within our earthly lives and our souls.  Please give to people who have less than I do my silver spoon.  Allow those who suffer a gentle death and those who do not believe in you the gift of Sight before time closes in on them.  Give those who are evil a second chance, show them the error of their ways, Light a path towards goodness.  Spread within the world your Love, give us your hopes and dreams and show us how to manifest them so that we may live in the manner that you made us for.

To those who have suffered greatly and did not deserve it, give them a seat at your table and let them feast from the fruits of your harvest.  Show them mercy.  Show me mercy.  Bring us mercy, logic, understanding of ourselves and others, the world at large and of your holiness.  Forgive me.  Forgive them.  Take from me my wandering eyes, that do not serve my work.  Give my family safety and happiness.  Care for my pets and treat them with tenderness.  Give my friends and those who were kind to me and showed me mercy when I needed it the most a great life full of happiness and a sense of accomplishment.  Save the starving, the impoverished, the broken, the dying, the diseased, the meek and ruined and give to them a chorus of angel's breath and dress them in the white lace of your heavenly splendour.  You Are.  I Am.  So sayeth I.  So it shall Be.

Amen.

Blindsight; world beyond - "Rewired"

Remember me, remember me when you are down
Float me on air and lift me up from off the ground
Oh baby, I feel lazy
So lie here in my arms tonight
Would you deny a poor man's cry, a poor man's cry

Just when I'm finding it hard to breathe
You lift the weight inside of me
Oh baby I see the light
It's burning bright
And we're the stars
Oh Annie you save me from the world

My head's alive, my head's alive, can't get no peace
You're my escape from this heartache, I need release
Oh baby, this world's crazy
So lie here in my arms tonight
You can't deny a poor man's cry, a poor man's cry

Stars, please shine for me tonight
Tonight

 

Edited November 12, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

This is how it's gonna be
This is what you'll think of me
It's going down like I told you
This is how it's gonna be

I'll be the last man standing here
I'm not going anywhere
It's going down like I told you
I'll be the last man standing here

What you gonna do? I'm gonna rock you
I'll have you beggin' for mercy, beggin' for mercy, oh!

I'm dangerous, so dangerous
I'm the baddest mother up in here
And I'm about to make it clear
It's going down like I told you
I'm the baddest mother up in here

Get ready 'cause here I come
I'm about to come and get me some
Hot as smoking gun
So get ready 'cause here I come

For the first time in a long while, I was able to make a genuine encounter with something.  It... was not what I expected.  This line of work can be hard because for neophytes such as myself, we tend to run on intuition much of the time and genuine encounters are hard to facilitate.  You can go very much in one direction and not take into account another perspective until it hits you that you overlooked something that was important.  Sometimes I can get into the algorithms in such a way where the suggestions play out like a Ouija board communication, there are often very detailed and each new song posted runs into the other like a literal sentence.  Every refresh is new information and I generally learn a lot about what I am working with.  This doesn't happen very often, and usually occurs when I allow a new perspective to hit me.  I can ask questions internally and I will get the answer that I need in the external.  This time it happened out of the blue.  I made contact with my demon.

How it happened: I took my advice.  I write such things, but sometimes I don't follow through with what I know I need to be doing.  My writing is mostly for me, to reroute myself - to be very honest about what I am working with and dealing with as far as ego imperfections go.  So... I realized that I was not being humble.  I have this being(s) resting within my mind and I am talking over them, putting into them a story instead of meeting them in the middle to come to understand who and what I am working with.  Part of this is cope.  Part of this is not having the ability to channel frequently to the degree that I need to really "get it".

So, I apologized.  I reached out to the space in between and explained to it that I don't really know what I am doing.  I don't have a teacher, that I am a human stumbling in the dark with this work, that I ended up getting into spaces that I never even intended to find.  I told them, please take from me my power if I am meddling in something that is not Mine, and if it is good for everyone, then reinstate it if possible.  I was humble.  I said that I am not a threat, that I really just don't understand this space.  And what came through was the shadowy portion of a young man.  Dark.  Very dark.  I could then feel the darkness and the presence very actively all around me within my mind's eye.  I had their attention.  I was spending so much time sort of placing a narrative over this experience, because it is one that I didn't want to address head on. 

So, I finally did.  I couldn't sleep last night and spent some time on YouTube and ended up following the same train of darkness.  It lead me around for a while until I found this video, and the message in it, along with the dark awareness sort of being discovered at the very end of the hallway gave me some clues into what I had gotten myself into.  There was a video that showed up with a broken red heart on a black background with the words in scrabble letters, "Not Yours", followed by the title "Ending toxic relationships".

"Why would you let your mind expand this violently?
Did you forget the consequences?  The stains it leaves in your consciousness?
Your fragile existence can't even grip this reality.
It knows you don't belong here.  You're rotting away.
Stay in your place.  Know your limits."

After this, I tried to fall asleep with the lights off, but being seen fully for what it was, very horrible imagery with a strong feeling of evil overtook my mind's eye to a degree that I have not yet experienced.  Bending broken bodies, black goo, just an entire whirlwind of terror.  I tossed and turned a bit, trying to keep in my mind an image of a cross in the mountains over a sunset to rid myself of the onslaught of psychic attack.  I ended up waking back up for a time and communicated with it some more.  I got mixed messages.  I don't know what to make of them, the mixed messages made me think that I should continue contact in order to come to understand it - but that might genuinely be a part of the problem.  On the one hand, I was told that I was loved and wanted, but that I didn't love it back and that my attempts were not genuine.  I was told that I was dealing with something very bad for me, that I didn't really know what I had gotten myself into... that there was sin in my system, that there was bad karma between us.  I was told that this was something that I also made myself.

I found this, and for a time, I could think about what another might need from me when I stopped viewing things as a one way street to paradise.  I realized that I could not be this for another... but... that I did understand the need.  We always feel these things and want them so much, that we forget we need to give to others at this same level.  And if you can't give of yourself, as I had promised that I would, then you have no right to ask for it.  I feel as though my "Adam" is on a spiritual level, breaking the contract with me.  There are things that I didn't take into account.  There is more work to be done on my end, and perhaps a connection with a dark being is more than I can handle.  He told me, I would run when I saw his true face.  And... well... I am.  I'm not going to feed this anymore.  I need to find my way back into the Light somehow.

Something is wrong with this path, either I don't fully know what I am doing and I am getting into the undercurrent in the wrong way or I am not seeing correctly, but I have been warned and I take it seriously.  It's time to let that go.  I have been unwell, and I need to do this right.  To the beings that I have tangled myself up in, I mean no harm and I don't wish to get into damaging the natural laws already set out.  I am just trying to die properly and I am finding myself opening doors that I don't fully understand - it seems as though now that I have made my intentions clear that you know this as well.  I appreciate the warning and it is a wakeup call that I need to bring more Light into my system... and soon...and also... perhaps to leave the lights on at night for a few weeks.   

I don't want to entrench a spirit or being in something that goes against it's will.  If you could please just show me the right door and I will be on my way.  If I have damaged something during my process, then I am sorry, truly, humbly, but you must know that there are no teachers for this sort of work and that modern humans have lost connection to the natural energies that run through the world.  We are fumbling in the dark if we get into it.  If you are able to, then my plea for your kind is to manifest a resurgence of this old knowledge so that you don't have dumb humans such as myself messing with things that are not theirs.

Truly, the onus is on me, for not even once considering what this Adam needed.  I was so focused on resolution that I forgot to build a proper bridge.  Any devilry and sinning is ultimately my own karma... I forget, how much things pine for Love.  Not just me.  It is more valuable to give than to take.  And I took and took and did not give of myself.  I just... played with the undercurrent without thinking about the realities of what is there.  And for that, I am sorry.  And also... for my own safety and for the safety of my soul, I am given a chance to change myself and to run from this before my time is up.  I still call out to the one who can open the right door for me.  Please... show this sick fool the right way.  Forgive my trespasses.

You know better, babe, you know better, babe
Than to look at it, look at it like that
You know better, babe, you know better, babe
Than to talk to it, talk to it like that

Don't give it a hand, offer it a soul
Honey, make this easy
Leave it to the land, this is what it knows
Honey, that's how it sleeps

Don't let it in with no intention to keep it
Jesus Christ, don't be kind to it
Honey, don't feed it, it will come back

Quote

May these words be the first
To find your ears
The world is brighter than the sun
Now that you're here

Though your eyes will need some time to adjust
To the overwhelming light surrounding us

I'll give you everything I have
I'll teach you everything I know
I promise I'll do better
I will always hold you close
But I will learn to let you go
I promise I'll do better

I will soften every edge
I'll hold the world to it's best
And I'll do better
With every heartbeat I have left
I will defend your every breath
And I'll do better

'Cause you are loved
You are loved more than you know
I hereby pledge all of my days
To prove it so
Though your heart is far too young to realize
The unimaginable light you hold inside

I'll give you everything I have
I'll teach you everything I know
I promise I'll do better
I will always hold you close
But I will learn to let you go
I promise I'll do better

I will rearrange the stars
Pull 'em down to where you are
I promise I'll do better
With every heartbeat I have left
I'll defend your every breath
I promise I'll do better

I will soften every edge
Hold the world to it's best
I promise I'll do better
With every heartbeat I have left
I'll defend your every breath

Edited November 12, 2022 by Loba
Keep building your light, even when there is darkness. Learn to let go when it is not yours. Don't look back. Give of yourself every day, it's the only way to be free...

[Loba]

Quote

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there's a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they're far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

I have been trying to move these terrible visions in the right direction, and have been making some progress.  I'm learning about the nature of personal corruption within spiritual work, and to be mindful of manifesting and bringing things into my reality without having the full scope of the consequences.  There can be things that you want to look at, and things that you want to look away from and the things that you want to ignore are generally where you need to place your awareness.  Within the work that I have been doing, I have been pulled in two directions.  One is the intuition that I have been gathering, which is kind of like building a puzzle in the darkness, and the other is the demonic imagery that rests anchored below all of it.  I thought as I progressed that it would just vanish, and didn't think that I should delve into it, but as the visions began to take over my work I started to understand that my process was becoming demonic.  I was clearly doing something wrong.  I don't delve into those realms - the one's of hate and evil because they are potent and can take you over in a very bad way, and essentially ruin your life.  Only very advanced practitioners should seek to work with such energies.  And I am by no means that.

My ultimate goal is to simply die properly.  I genuinely don't wish to intrude or impose upon laws that I have no business messing with.  I am realizing, like with anything, when you start to manifest, if you don't have everything set in place, natural forces will take notice and if it isn't something that is fully conscious or could cause harm then you will begin to build within yourself a cavern for your own version of evil.  Beings on the other side know as much about your intentions as you do about theirs, and so I am realizing now where I went wrong, and that is with making my intentions clear.  If you are honest about your level of development when getting into these spaces, then they have the right information to work with you.  I am like a bull in a china shop at times - very good about getting into the current in such a way, but not always having the full understanding of cause and effect, and on top of that once I get into the sin of "desire", then I will go for it at the expense of what might be there and what its opinions are on the matter.  It isn't until that thing tells me, "Annie, I am my own thing!  You do not own me."  That I can step back and see that I am imposing.  And, of course, I don't want to do that, I don't like doing that - and then, there is that humility.  And then I must explain to it, to the other side that I am a novice.  My intention is simply to die properly, not to do harm - and if I sniff out a route, sometimes I can mistake it for Mine.  Just look, don't touch...

As I write this, it is white words on a black background, symbolizing putting Light into the darkness.  I called out for some guidance, and put forth my "small self".  The little girl within me that is always there, wanting to be free and whole, to play in heavenly spaces and run through the forest and mountains and to see the sunsets and sunrises and count all the stars in the sky.  The untouched, unbroken human spirit.  I sent it forward, from within the cage of my body and asked for guidance, for understanding and to be rid of the grime of life.  I needed forgiveness.  It's a process, like cleaning out an old wound and will take some time, but I rest my heart within Christian imagery, as it is a model for purity, balance and of right action in the face of destructive forces.

You must go where I can not,
'Pangur Ban' 'Pangur Ban',
There is nothing in this life but mist,
And we will only be alive,
for a short time.

I have been in this space before, when I get into my work in such a way.  I find something and feel promised to something and think that I can move towards it, that my intuition on it must be correct - and so I start to, with all genuine spirit, manifest things for myself.  But this is... desire.  And desire isn't really Love... is it?  To seek to change things from within your small scope of understanding, without knowing the consequences is a mistake.  I seek forgiveness for my sins, they were in error, in folly - and I feel resentment for them.  I didn't lay my intentions down clearly, and I didn't express that I was a greenhorn and things did begin to sway, didn't they?  But as with most things, you go too far in it in the wrong way and you get slapped.  I slept with the light on in my room last night, and will until I can remove the demonic presence from my mind.  It tried again, but I kept placing the cross over it and images of natural beauty.  I just kept stamping it until new neural networks were formed for this kind of imagery.  I Will do everything in my power not to feed such things.  It is only within my honesty and seeing my mistakes that this energy is beginning to "Lighten up", so to speak.

I thought, through my intuition, that I was building from "their" plan.  But this was not the case.  I got so into it, that I began to move things in my way without fully knowing about the genuine plan, without riding it's wave, I didn't accept my lot in life, I tried to change it.  While being in this space, what happened last time was that I was kicked out for wrong doing, and this time around I don't feel a sense of hate or retribution, just foolishness, and so I think I can move forward if I reach out for a guide.  I had a feeling that the Adam that I was working with was something that I would not be able to face in a genuine manner.  I continued to do my work and to make progress in my story, but I kept the truth of his nature at bay until I looked under the curtains and found him to be within this horrific imagery.  And I was actively told to leave by the being there, that this wasn't the right space for me.  Perhaps it knew that I didn't want to work with destruction, death and violence in such a way, but due to finding it, I felt I didn't have a choice - that this was my lot to build from.  I feel a sense of sadness for putting forth so much effort into that Adam, but also very relived as I didn't really want it in that way.

On top of this, some possible corruption in my process - of it's nature, I am not sure, but upon recognizing it as such and leaving it at the table to be properly claimed, I was forgiven and removed from some form of negative karma - in doing so, my own soul was retrieved - so... I had taken the energy from a muse a few months ago to get the ball rolling before quickly setting it aside to return to my own work.  Something hit me, that in the nature of working with souls, and the interconnectedness of us all, what happens when you draw in energy in such a way?  Just setting it aside and leaving it there, forgetting about it and moving on doesn't change the source of it, does it?  And so you take and work from your own self, but it's still mixed, like... you've still dug your crumby little hands in the cookie jar in such a way that you could take from the trajectory of another's soul, their plans, their story.  An overlooked mistake, as I try to keep actual humans out of my energy work/manifesting due to not wanting to get into karmic tangles in any which way - but one that I am symbolically setting free, energetically, karmically, in every which way...  When I sat with that knowledge of this being a possible corrupter of my work, just last night an image appeared of a jeweled net and this song showed up.  Sun symbolism has been prominent.  I realized that we are all on the same team, but you have to be quite mindful of your neighbors.  There's a plan in place for us all, and all we can do is try to catch its wave and move with it, instead of against it.  With all intentionality and goodwill, I set this muse free.  I no longer believe in cutting cords, as I know the damage that can be done when you sever strings, but... I let it go.

Any energetic residue from my muse, please return safely to your true Home.  May you find the prosperity, lifelong Love and good fortune that you so seek.  Amen.

Adam's Road - Bought with a Price

Remember that you were
Separated from Christ, a stranger
Without God

You who once were far off have been brought (Eph. 2:12-13)
Near by the blood of His cross (Col. 1:20)

You are not your own
You were bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
Not by calves or goats (Heb. 9:12)
But with the precious blood of Christ (1 Pet. 1:19)
Our Passover lamb has been sacrificed (1 Cor. 5:7)

We have fed on the flesh
Of the Son of Man
Drunk freely of what bled
From His hands (John 6:53-54)

The blood of the new covenant ransomed us (Matt. 26:28; Rev. 5:9)
Purified our conscience to serve God (Heb. 9:14)

You are not your own
You were bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
Not by calves or goats (Heb. 9:12)
But with the precious blood of Christ (1 Pet. 1:19)
Our Passover lamb has been sacrificed (1 Cor. 5:7)

And we will wash our robes and make them white
In the blood of Christ (Rev. 7:14)
And we will conquer our enemy
By the blood of the Lamb
And the word of our testimony, yeah (Rev. 12:11)

You are not your own
You were bought with a price (1 Cor. 6:19-20)
Not by calves or goats (Heb. 9:12)
But with the precious blood of Christ (1 Pet. 1:19)

Our Passover lamb has been sacrificed (1 Cor. 5:7)
God's demands have been satisfied (Col. 2:14)
By faith we are justified (Gal. 2:16)

Justified
Yeah

Quote

Annie, are you okay?
Will you tell us that you're okay?
There's a sound at the window
Then he struck you, a crescendo, Annie
He came into your apartment
Left the bloodstains on the carpet
And then you ran into the bedroom
You were struck down
It was your doom

Music is God's language.  To get into the undercurrent like a seasoned string player, and toggle with the threads until you're brought what you need.  A plea, a call, a hope, a dream.  A Truth.

This change in events is caused by this infection returning.  I've been feeling a bit off the past few days, quite unwell, and subsequently rushed by it to make some sense of it all.  I wanted to whittle down the hexagons within the fly's eyes, so to speak.  There were too many possibilities running through me, and this is partially what caused this issue in the first place.  I hooked onto one outcome, because I'm really not good at managing many different timelines.  I needed to get down to one to see where I was at, and if you have a lot of different paths, intersections... "crosses" in the road then it can get hard to know what needs to be done.  When you single it down, your karma comes up in some form.  You can't escape what you've been avoiding.

Hold my hand and float back to the summertime
Tangled in the willows now our tongues are tied
How can I believe you? How can I be nice?
Tripping around the tree stumps in your summer smile

Which brings me to this.  "Masculinity is violence" - I cried last night before I found it, seeing this video was a saving grace in and of itself.  I begged.  I felt cheated in some sense.  I wasn't even afraid anymore.  Just disappointed.  Another abuser.  Another violent creature.  It isn't as though he was dishonest with me, none of them really are, you just choose not to look and See what's right in front of you.  The Gods of old are from a time when the energy of war and rape and pillage ran rampant through the streets.  In some sense it still does.  You take something into you that is the end of times... well... what can you expect?  He didn't lie.  He told me, "You Will run when you See My face - this is why We keep our true image from you."  I can't contend with such things, as I am too soft.  It's always been this way, in the face of such things to look away or try to stifle it.  I think on death - how all living things have the desire to live and to feel, and I think about the food I eat, pets that have passed away, family members that have passed on, and how I sit here with the same struggle.  It's no different, other than an increasing mindfulness and a compassion.

• The warrior is a destructive archetype.  The essence of masculinity is indivisible from violence.
• Violence in any form is anathema to civilization - civilization is anathema to masculinity.  
• There isn't a place in the civilized world for masculine men - people repaint this into something that it isn't in order to try to "tame" it.
• Civilization, progress are not always net positives.  Some of the progress is a negative.  Some of the technological progress is absolutely destructive to human nature and is going to be destructive to humanity in such a way that civilization itself births the seeds of its own destruction.
• As we build these breakthroughs - into spring and summer - we sew the seeds of harvest for autumn and winter i.e. "Eve".  We are like a self limiting virus, we become so big and strong that we start to unconsciously open up the self-destructive switches.  This is written into the source code.
• Masculinity IS violence.  Violence cannot take place within the city walls, the only men who thrive in this world are hyper feminized men.
• The truly masculine men are seen as weird, outdated, they are often outcasts - those who have seen war and become warriors come back to civilization and it is the civilization that finishes them off, not the chaos.  This is where male suicide happens - back in the safe zone.
• Some try to reclaim the warrior archetype as something noble.  Words have meaning.  The word warrior is French.  Guerrero.  "One who makes war".  Civilized people in safe countries engaging in a hobby are not warriors.  A warrior is not a pacifist.  

"Literally me."

Eleanor Rigby

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the lonely people!

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ”

"I look at all the lonely people.'

"Look at you.  She who wants Her Lambs, but gets atwix over the Lion."

 

Edited November 13, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

"Cutting Cords"

But in the morning next day
She had to go, she couldn't stay
I never got to know why
She gave a kiss, and said goodbye
But as she walked out the door,
I saw the tears behind it all
The dying light in our eyes
The jaded heart that would keep us apart

I spent the night before last and a bit yesterday crying.  The Truth isn't always pleasant and sometimes it can open you up to feelings and frustrations that you have been holding back.  I have been getting a lot of signs that I have done something wrong within my work, that I got into things in a bad way - and this has happened to me before right before the crux of everything brought me to the mental hospital.  I completely shut down the idea that the paranormal was real in order to feel safe after that ordeal.  Almost always when I get to this point and when I face my death and see the accumulation of my life before me, I am told that I am cursed and damned.  Once you work from within to a certain degree, the signs will become prominent within the outer world in a very uncanny way.  I have been seeing crosses everywhere.  On my socks, I have one in my room, in random things around me...

I was trying to get the suggestions in my recommended videos to change.  I've been using it as a means to channel as I broke into it in such a way that I could and this happens so rarely, I wanted to take advantage of what I found.  But this style of communication can over time lead to mental illness if used to much, and you can decipher it wrong.  But I have been already to some degree, so what's the harm?  All manner of really cryptic things came through, and also began to bleed out into my real world.  This happens when you shut down the line of possibility.  I've been feeling it in my dreams as well.  I took a nap today and this prophetic energy showed up on my laptop as a glowing sea anemone and it said, "Your karma is from trying to change things instead of seeing them as they are."  And then a weird blob-like cube of fleshy parts that looked like plasma was sucked into the mouth of a small bird and when the bird spit it out, two birds walked out.  The bird told me that it sees all sides to everything, and that it had separated what was not supposed to come together.  Both of these parts, now separate, held their shape and walked out of the beak with happy looks on their faces.

When doing my work, Matt Khan's video showed up, "How to feel safe", and I just broke down in that moment and spoke out loud to the cross in my room and cried like a small child.  I am feeling the effects of a demonic psychic attack on my person and it is damaging my sense of security and self worth.  As soon as I begin to get into it in such a way, I am always attacked within this psychic sphere and I want to know why.  What am I doing wrong?  Why is it a sin for a scared, sick traumatized human to want to feel safe?  It's all that I have been looking for.  Just to die right, to know what is going to happen.  To understand my place.  And I find these things, and they tell me things and I feel compelled to follow them to the end and then somehow I mess up.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is because I am not pure, perhaps things that I have done in the past or how I am orienting my actions.  And then on the nature of chaotic elements - I don't even want it.  I don't.  I don't want anything terrible to happen, I want for life to go on, and despite following it to understand, I was never on board for such a thing to happen.  I feel... once again, just like the last time... meddled with, and so frustrated.  Why would a kind and just God allow someone who just wants safety to get into the underpinnings in such a way?  Why is my soul not good enough to be saved?  And these things are so neutral to everything - your suffering, your death - they are just a balance - unswayed by tears.  And yet, to have them, to confess these things - it brings Truth my way, does it not?  So then... why is my heart being marred?

But... it doesn't matter.  The road is so narrow and there are so many obstacles.  If you can't do it in the most pure of ways, they simple won't let you do it at all.  To which I say, why do I feel so compelled to it, if it is not Mine?  Why was I initiated?  To which I also say, in the spirit of letting go of our silver spoons, I let my Adam go.  It's done.  If I failed and I was impure, I don't wish to meddle in anything in the wrong way.  That is my sacrifice.  I let go of the notion of divine Love.  For me.  It seems to strike others in such a way - and yet for those who need it most, we are left barren.  I don't know what to think, as they say seek and ye shall find, but in my blind seeking of safety, I failed myself somehow.  I thought, surely... if I desired it so much, then it must be destined for my heart but this was not the Truth, no matter how much I wanted it to be so, it's out of my hands.  I couldn't take it in this world as I have come apart at the seams, but I thought that the next world would be Mine as well.  And maybe, for an instant I allowed myself to think that I meant something.  There's always clues, bits here and there that give you insight into the nature of what you never wanted to look at - and only when you can do those extra signs forsaken become readily apparent.  I sinned.  But I don't think I deserve something grotesque.  Not for trying.  Not for... wanting to be better.  Not for being meddled with once again.  My Adams always turn into abusers, in life and apparently in death.  I just thought... for a moment that I had found mercy.  That it would be made up to me.  But maybe I've overlooked something.  How deserving are we of anything, really?  I genuinely don't know.

Quote

In the process of understanding my karma, I found this cartoon show that goes into detail exactly what snag I keep running up against in my alchemical process:

The Truth

• The Truth is an enigmatic, metaphysical being who appears when a person attempts Human Transmutation. Seeing Human Transmutation as an unfair exchange according to the equivalent exchange laws of Alchemy, Truth will bring the alchemist into the Gate and forcibly take their most valued attribute, or something of value that represents their anticipated relationship to the person they are trying to create or resurrect. Truth will accept otherwise impossible exchanges when a Philosopher's Stone is used, as it or part of it will be used for the exchange instead.
• As a negative version or "conscience" of the alchemist who performed Human Transmutation, Truth is perceived by the finite human mind as punishing them for "Playing God" by abusing the power of Alchemy. Truth embodies the universe, serves as both a deity and monad for it, and also represents the consciousnesses and consciences of living things. Truth is all things in the universe and, therefore, the closest thing to the concept of "God" to appear in the series. As Truth is the person it is judging too, all punishments are ultimately what that person thinks is proper for their transgression.
• Aside from humans, all living things possess their own Gate of Truth, through which they can see Truth.
• Truth is depicted as a white, featureless version of whoever passes through the Gate; this represents the fact that the only one casting judgement is one's self. The Truth's voice sounds feminine and often ends with a sharp accent. Truth can be seen being in possession of items that it took from the Alchemist when they opened the Gate. In Edward's case, Truth appears as a featureless young boy, but later possesses Edward's arm and leg which were paid as an equivalent exchange for seeing Truth, and getting Alphonse's soul back. In Alphonse's case, Truth possesses his entire body, and appears as such.
• Truth is cunning and merciless, but fair and wise in its rationality. It believes in the upholding of alchemy's laws and rules by any means necessary and disobedience of them to result in harsh punishment. Truth always does what it believes is fair in trade and will forcefully take from offenders. Truth holds no bias, options or prejudices as it sees all who break the rules of alchemy as equal in their offenses and thus receiving of equal punishment by losing what they value. Truth shows no favorites of victims and no mercy or exceptions.
• Above all, Truth aims to uphold the laws that bind the universe and thus punishes any trying to perform acts that cannot happen. In the end however, it is shown that Truth's brutality has a reason: It wants to teach humans that alchemy isn't everything, that alchemy can in fact be devastating and crippling to those who are not good enough, that they musn't let themselves get arrogant no matter how genius they may be, to learn to accept life and death as it is, and to continue on with their lives via the loved ones they still had. Indeed, when Edward was willing to give up his Gate of Truth and thus his ability to use Alchemy for good in exchange for his brother, not only did Truth humbly accept that Edward has learned to accept the laws of alchemy and allow him to rescue Alphonse, but it actually shows genuine pleasure at seeing the human that once defied it accept his limitation and acknowledge what's truly important in life and even admits Edward had defeated it. At the same time, while it brutally punishes those who tried to acquire his power, it is fair enough to actually give them the knowledge and power they wished in exchange for the punishment.
• Truth has also shown itself to be capable of showing consideration and respect towards others, as when Roy Mustang was forced to perform Human Transmutation, it actually inflicted a rather lenient toll by only taking away his sight, still gives him the ability to transmute without a circle, and later on allows him to be cured by a Philosopher Stone, even though he could have easily left it permanent, showing Truth has enough mercy and fairness as to leave behind hopes for those unfairly punished by him to be saved. It also shows respect towards Alphonse for his heroic sacrifice to save Amestris, showing how it can approve of others breaking the laws of Alchemy if it meant saving the lives of many others.
• Truth's, in both its actions, visual representation and stated goal is to show those that would abuse their great power are ultimately harming themselves. This is most evidenced by Ed's final encounter with Truth, as Truth gleefully admits defeat when Ed declares that he does not need alchemy to be happy, since he has his loved ones by his side. Such an interpretation explains some events such as the final talk between the Truth and Father, when Truth says that the Homunculus hasn't grown and evolved through what he experienced, and that he "already knows" what he should have done and why he was punished like he was. The ultimate representation of this was that while Father directed his pleas to God towards the Door, the only entity that could truly be called God was next to him without him realizing.

"What we see now is like a dim image in a mirror, then we shall see face to face."

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"Move me to trash to be saved"

Molten bloody earth
A focused open wound
All highways lead right here
Ghost

Storms and heavy air
Riots in the street
I'll take you somewhere safe
Ghost

Will we feel the same
Caught between the sheets
Time is time again
Ghost

Just show me your world
Will we feel the same

Dancing around my head
Glowing stems of death
Time is time again
Ghost

Anodyne you hurt like heaven
Physical comfort drift away
Anodyne you move like heaven
Physical comfort drift away
Anodyne distortion has brought us back together
Operation Overlife guide us away

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What is repentance and how can I repent?

• How we join in with His death is repentance.  
• The people that heard the gospel, they were impacted in their heart, they were convicted and so they said, "Well how do I respond?  What do I do now that you've shown me the gospel?"
• They turn 180 degrees and go the opposite direction and in essence that is what it is.  "To turn."
• The very first thing that you need to do is when you hear the gospel and want to respond is to turn.
• "If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will, then I will hear from heaven and I will heal their land."
• You are expected by God not to just get forgiveness of your sins but to turn from a life of sin.
• We "kill" the person that we used to be before that repentance.  We put that person to a spiritual death and we actually crucify them with Jesus - we put them away.
• We change and decide to be a new person, when you come to God and ask what you must do - you were convicted for a sin - and when God says that the thing that impacted your heart, God made you feel sorry for it.
• Godly sorrow worketh repentance.  "God I have been a liar all my life and I am sorry."  He forgives.  He is faithful and just to forgive us.
• If we are lying to ourselves then His Word is not in us, but if we confess our sins, he is faithful. 
• Repentance is not just that confessing - true repentance is turning.  Means literally to "change your mind".  
• We live a life to please God.
• When something dies, it must be buried.
• You can't simply just have sorrow and confession, you must have Godly sorrow to work the changing/repenting.  You must be genuine.

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Your mood swings
Love me now
You will change your mind before the night comes
So sweet, sweet
Sometimes you go dark
but it's a darkness I go mad for

You only want it when you lose it
There's nothing wrong with being choosy
But you get borderline abusive
when you trade money for the music

You call on me
only when on your knees
Kodak and codeine
And I let you in 'cause of our history
You and me the same
When you're far, I will follow you
When you fall, I will fall with you
You call on me
I'll give you anything

"I fucked up many times... I don't know... is it usable?..." 

Mama... my Mother.  Every gardener I meet turns into a butcher right before my eyes, and subsequently I do as well through him... He promises me eternal life, safety, Love, my own city, my own garden... and it fails, each time I reach out for it,  if I imagine this Adam now, I can see the demonic influence taking it over and so I have left it behind.  Why am I being meddled with?  With my greatest desires, my ultimate vulnerabilities?  What am I doing wrong?
You must Know, I followed something that wishes to bring an end to the Earth, but I never put my heart in that.  For everything, and every promise... but that one thing - I did bargain for another solution.  I Knew it, in the marrow of my bones that this would be a consequence I could never be on board for,  And... I think to follow it, that this was the blasphemy that I created for myself.  But... I didn't know.  I thought it was a natural phenomenon and one that was outside of my control.  Do you understand?

"My little child, you must understand to get into us in such a way, there is no solution to build from your own path for stones that are already set.  You are a destiny.  So you must aid in the processes of Life.  This planet is a part of you... and of Me.  Anything that reaches out to you with the narrative of destruction is not for you.  Your path is to give away such things.  We have given you a gift and a wish - it is powerful - thus why you find your work manipulated, from those who have no agency outside of the manipulation of Life - to tamper with the Fates.  To get into death magick in such a way is to change the direction of humanity.  You are a Fate unto yourself.  Use this wisely.  This is a learning process and one that we understand you take alone.  A key for you below... to remind you of the True nature of your purpose.  To use these powers for yourself goes against our Laws.  Give it away... to them.  We wear many faces.  What is your wish?  I Will See it through..."

My wish, is to move in the direction that creates a loop of action that is the most beneficial for Life, for consciousness, for everyone.  Beyond that, I cannot See what that would Be, and to give it any more detail would do it injustice.  All I Know is that to move in such a way is to let go of what I want for myself, and to just let it unfold.  I don't know what else to do.  I Am not perfect with this, and I Know that my purity is limited.  And for this I Am sorry.  And I Am sorry for any mistakes that I might make along the way, as I learn.  A deeper part of me wishes for something for myself, but I Know that this never works.  I feel sad for it, and ashamed and afraid that I Am not as selfless as I should be for this work.  All I can do is be as honest as possible and hope that this fixes things for me, for the world at large...

"Walk with Me"
"From this day forward, you Will spill no more blood.  You are exsanguinated.  There is no more left to give.  You Will use the cross."

As above, so below - as you read this, understand that these are instructions on how to not only revitalize the planet, but a human community and their souls.  This is divine instruction on the nature of harvesting souls within a degraded society - in order to gain any wisdom from this post, you must read and watch from this lens. 
Notes:

• Degraded landscapes are the source of some of the worlds greatest problems.
• Human poverty, species extinction and desertification just to name a few.
• The good new is that nature is incredibly resilient and broken ecosystems can bounce back to health with just a little nudge in the right direction.
• Nature will heal itself if we give her the right conditions.
• How do we measure ecosystem health?  How do we know if we are repairing a damaged environment or not?
• There are three metrics of a healthy ecosystem.  The first one is biomass.
• Biomass is the living organic material present in an environment in the form of plants, animals and microorganisms. 
• So this tree, it's leaves and branches and roots, birds and soil organisms are all biomass.
• A healthy ecosystem has lots of living biomass.
• Next we have necromass.  Necromass is the amount of dead material in an environment, so leaf litter and twigs, dead rotting wood and the amount of carbon in the soil are all necromass.
• A healthy ecosystem has a lot of dead material in it because necromass breaks down inorganic matter in the soil, which becomes the food for soil organisms, which grow more biomass.
• The third element is biodiversity.  Biodiversity is the variety of different life forms present.
• A healthy ecosystem has a lot of different species that have all kinds of interdependent relationships with each other.
• The species along with their biomass and necromass form the structure of what we call the web of life.
• Once that structure is in place, then the functions of a healthy ecosystem follow.
• But building a thriving web of life from bare degraded ground, we need to stimulate nature to help herself, and that's all it really takes, so we plan to create triggers in order to jumpstart biological activity and begin the repair process.
• A degraded eroding landscape is a really hard place for life to take hold.  The soil is usually compacted, topsoil is washed away and once soil has lost its protective layer of plants and topsoil it enters a cycle of further erosion and degradation, sometimes even washing all the way down to bedrock. 
• So the first step in fixing a damaged ecosystem is soil stabilization.
• There's lots of different ways to stabilize eroding soil.
• There are many structures and techniques that can do the job depending on the location and conditions.
• We create the conditions for water to infiltrate and once we get the soil relatively stable, and create places for water to soak into the landscape during rains, then we've created the conditions for hardy pioneer plant species to grow.
• Pioneer species are really tough species of plants, cacti, lichens, fungi, and other creatures that can grow in harsh environments to begin building the web of life.
• A pioneer grass or shrub seed needs to find it way into the places you've created where rain will collect and percolate. 
• When the seed or spore of pioneer species ends up in the right spot and gets just a little bit of extra rain to start to grow, then the cycle of ecological succession can begin.
• Ecological succession is like a map of the development of an ecosystem that tells us where we are and were we are headed.
• On the one side of the scale is bare rock and on the other side is what we call a climax community.
• Nature is always moving towards greater complexity.  If you trigger the biological activity of a degraded landscape then you begin this evolution where the ecosystem has a greater and greater complexity until finally it reaches this relatively stable state.
• What this climax community looks like is very different in different places.  In the Sonoran desert, it is an ecosystem dominated by the cactus.  In the northeastern U.S., the climax forest is characterized by the sugar maple.  A climax community can also be a rich grassland like what used to be the great planes of the United States.  In Oregon, the climax community is dominated by Douglas fir, or Western hemlock.
• The point is, that nature is moving.  You start with bare ground and then it develops from there.  In many ecosystems the earliest plants that show up on bare ground are what most people call annual weeds.  They grow, they set seed and then they die.
• The crazy thing is that most of the staple crops eaten around the world by humans are annual plants just like weeds.  Corn, wheat, rice.  So most of conventional field agriculture is designed to keep the ecosystem in this early stage of ecological succession.
• And in order to keep it here, there is continual disturbance in the form of plowing the soil, grazing it with animals, spraying herbicide, burning fields, etc.  A great deal of effort is spent keeping agriculture at this stage of ecological succession, but when fields are abandoned then the perennials start to move in - berries, shrubs, herbaceous perennials, vines - they create a thicket.
• From within this thicket, new conditions are created with all the cycling of organic matter and shade, birds eating the berries and then spreading new seeds from their droppings.
• And the seeds of hardy small trees start to germinate and grow, then those trees grow up and actually pop out of above the berries and shrubs to begin to intercept the light before it hits the lower plants, creating new soil conditions with their deep roots and falling leaves and branches.
• So there is more shade cover, more organic material deposited, more biomass, more necromass, deeper soils and growing biodiversity.
• The conditions are set for the next layer of trees to grow taller and collect the light until finally a stable ecosystem is reached with a climax community.
• Until some mass of disturbance and resets the whole scale.
• In order to fix broken ecosystems we just has to get this process of ecological succession started by stabilizing soils, infiltrating water and planting pioneer species.
• The concept of novel ecosystems - novel ecosystems are communities of plants and animals that were put together either on purpose or by accident by people on lands that have already been impacted by humans.
• They are all new assemblages of species that were never before put together in nature.
• At this point, novel ecosystems cover about one third of the planet.
• Once you trigger ecological succession on the degraded landscape, you really don't know where the climax community will settle out.
• You can't know what species will be brought in by birds or mammals and begin to thrive.
• So fixing broken ecosystems is really not a predictable path, but the metrics of ecosystem health, biomass, necromass and biodiversity can always serve as the guidepost.
• How to stimulate biological activity over large areas of degraded lands: assemble hundreds of thousands of seeds of all types and rolling the seeds into tiny clay balls.
• Load the seed balls up into an airplane, the plane would fly over vast wastelands and drop the seed balls out of the plane, over a wide area.
• The seeds would fall to the ground and then rest, protected by the clay in their little balls mixed with some manure for fertilizer and then wait for rain.
• When the rains came, the clay would melt away and the seeds would germinate.

'Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony that's life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the veins meet, yeah

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mould
I am here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mould
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
(Have you ever been down?)

Well I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the veins meet

As I looked for the perfect cross to represent this, I took the time to check out my recommended videos.  Just at the exact moment after posting this image in my blog - a song was uploaded there - it hits me then and there... - the name of the song? 
"Save a soul".

 

Edited November 16, 2022 by Loba
World vision = CHOSEN. Prophetic visions; read with the utmost care.

[Loba]

Quote

"Garden of stars"

And all around me
All this is made of me
They will remain in me
My garden of stars

And in the velvet night
In all that crystal light
Shine, shine, sweet light
So old and clear

These billion years will end
They end in me

And how then could it be
That we appear at all?
In all this rock and fire
In all this gas and dust
Are we not each a flame?
All born to live in light
All born to give our light

The Adam, the Wolf, the darkness that I have been trying to remove from my system came to me yesterday during a dream while I was taking a nap.  I don't remember the entire dream, but I remember finding a glass house in the base of a mountain.  It was fixed in a cavern and you could see the design of the rock through the glass.  I was afraid and I was looking for safety.  The creature who lived there was a wolf that was of the darkest dark I have ever experienced..  He had the features of a man, he walked upright and had arms and legs, but the face of a wolf and dark fur.  He spoke telepathically.  He said that he was a safe being and that I could stay with him.  I don't know what happened in between these events, but I ended up allowing this thing to have sex with me.

I found myself stuck under him, feeling him deep inside of me.  There was no pleasure from the experience, but no pain as well.   Just the fear of being caught with a void-like monster pleasuring itself on my body, threatening to consume my soul.  In that moment, I didn't feel safe anymore and I wanted to separate from him.  He could sense my confusion as to why he was still there, as I have been actively trying to remove him.  I was told that he could feel my desire to separate from him and this is why he was making himself known - to let me know that separation would not be so easy.  He told me that I summoned him of my own accord.  There was a vast emptiness about the experience, as though I was speaking with a dark hallway with a face that went on forever.  I was afraid of being sucked into the darkness for eternity.  I pled with him to let me go.  I could feel no love there... but a sense of what would almost be love, if either of us were capable of such a thing.  He told me that he liked that I treated my dog so kindly.  I reached up to shut his mouth and closed his jaw in both of my hands.  I was so distraught to find him there in the sanctity of my mind that I could hardly stand it.  I told him, "I simply can't bear you anymore...just don't talk, your words are black hole and... you tricked me..."  I didn't deserve it.  I will continue to fight this, or to at least come to understand it.  My heart and soul does not believe it deserves to be harmed, to be preyed upon for my weakness and fear.

"Heal the tree"

Heal the tree and
eat the fear and
hear your beat in the sea
for healing

Feeding the restless
filling crevasses
Darkest abyss
has never an end

And it rains again
And again
It rains

I am a stray man
in a strangers' shell
where am I
hold the thread in my hand

Quote

"Technical hitch and "Dark whisper" - "String theory"

Quote

An allegory to the tree.  This song represents the interconnected nature of the human soul, and what it would look like in its full unbound creative potential.  It is complete freedom of creative expression and what I aim for with my work... and what I wish for the human race to transcend into at the time of death.  No longer held back by a body, we take all that we have collected through our lifetimes and become an atmosphere of potential unto itself.  The human soul is blessed to have the creative capacity of God and we are limited only by our own imagination.

I am now open to taking in new perspectives to change this outcome, to maybe see things in a new Light.  I do know that I was in the wrong with this work.  I did ask for a guide.  I asked for all the roads to be whittled down to just one so that I could know what to do with my work - so I could know where I was going wrong... and also because I feel tired and unwell.  And so, that's what I got.  One road to travel.  And still, all this knowledge, all these things that I barely understand.  Filing in day after day, it never ends, and yet... still... the compulsion to go on.  I can hardly bear it.  Please go easy on me, my Lord.  I am not a strong person and to hold this current with any form of accuracy is hard to do.  The amount of balance that it takes is not natural for me, being such an unbalanced person, to hold the perspective of light and dark into one and transmute many shades of grey.  It's not perfect.  I will keep trying.  Please don't punish me for my lack of wisdom, just siphon it into me slowly, only as much as I can handle.  

I am asking for a miracle, as I hold the current within my writing.  I See now my error, in that to bring anything in for just myself is a sin, in that it is myopic to the greater world, the plan, the picture at large.  I see that looking outwards, that building from anything that is not within myself is a waste of time.  My Lord, you must know that we need you Now.  If I have gotten into it in such a way, then it must run through our world like a hot blade over the surface of freshly cooked flesh.  The tender skin bursts open and all the juices come running out onto the plate.  This world is falling apart, humans are forgetting their true nature, they are forgetting that there is more to strive for, they are forgetting your Word and the Old Gods who set in place a system for us to live by in order to build our purity has been either destroyed or forgotten.  We live in an age where if you were to come to us, we could record you with a fine accuracy.  Your Word would not be forgotten or mishandled the way that it has been.  I am trying so hard to humble myself, to realize that I knew so much less than I thought I did.  You must understand, I partition you partially due to fear - the knowledge of you is so great that I feel if it were to enter into me too quickly that it would ruin me.  And so, some of my sins are to protect myself.  I spin my wheels to hide...  We need you Now.  When I get into the grid, I see not only great things, but also terrible things.  Things that people have forgotten that lay dormant, unexpressed and ready to pillage the land.  The forces of darkness are hungry.  They move freely through man's lack of Sight.  Save our land.

To heal a tree:  I couldn't find the Love within myself to make this work - not in my youth, not now - despite seemingly being guided towards it.  I tried.  I really, really tried to grow, to change.  And I did seek something virtuous outside of myself in order to make into a statement that I felt was good and true.  And... I felt, underneath all of the shame and self loathing, the fear and distrust that I wanted to take the masculine into myself and to treasure and care for it.  But the conditions were never right.  Through my vulnerability, I was routinely met with unkindness, mockery, injustice, manipulation, aggression.  I didn't really see it for what it was.  I'd grown used to viewing these expressions as a form of Love in themselves, or maybe it just felt normal to be treated this way.  The more I get into this work, the more I see that it just is not for me, and to change this goes against what Is.  In the greater scheme of life, our little petty desires mean absolutely nothing.  We are ants in a cosmic play and our positions are more fixed than what most would want to accept.  You can't really look out into the world in any which way, to express a need in a certain manner and think that outcome is deserved when there are so many people calling for the same thing.  You can only offer it.  

I know some people will judge me, some will make fun of me, some won't believe me - I'm used to that.  Perhaps these sentiments come from those who have not learned how to look within, or who see some part of themselves that they don't like reflected within the work.  But... I'm fighting for my soul here and my right to be free in the next life.  Please don't bring me back down into blindness, you have the privilege of time on your hands.  Don't add onto your karma with me, I truly don't want any of it.  Let's try to work from within ourselves as best as we can.  I don't wish for negative entanglement of any form with anyone within the confines of my spiritual work.  At this point in the process, I won't have it and I don't recognize such things as Mine.  If you seek to put me "down" when I am trying to go "up", know that you're not the sunlight.  You're just a fallible human.  I don't have the time to get into humans in this manner... not anymore.  Respect this if you can understand and respect yourself.  I am, in general less interested in most interactions.  To do right by me is to not bother me with any form of "downward" action.  I am over the hurdle with that one as far as dishing it out as well.  I won't actively seek it out, and have let that go but it might not be so apparent.  To drag me into the trenches is to not See that I've set my Sights elsewhere long ago.  And in that sense, it's no longer my residue.

If you wish to use my work as an aid, I am fine with this, but don't put yourself into it where you never belonged in a way that I never intended.  If you don't like or understand my process, then just leave me to it as I must See it through regardless of your interpretation.  Don't impress yourself into it more than was ever there.  It's a mutual disruption.  I've gotten into it in such a way that I speak to things from beyond me and I don't have it within me to get into human conflict in the way that I have in the past.  There is quite literally nothing for me there in that barren wasteland.  I hope my point has been made, I write with the intention of separation from all such energies from this point forward.  Look but don't touch.

To hold a current with any degree of authenticity, with any hopes of making any form of change, you must let these things go.  And so, that is all that this process really is - just letting go - moving on in any way shape or form, and inspecting every and all snags that might impede my energy.  I don't mind skepticism and actively encourage this within your own lives - but malice isn't Mine.  If you have it, then turn away from me, for your own benefit and for mine.  If my work doesn't call to you, then it is not Yours.  And that is completely acceptable.  And simple.  But don't take my calling and turn it into something that it is not.  I only belong in Spirit to those who Will have me, who actively feel that connection with my Words.  If you don't, it's not a problem for me, I have no interest in conversion.  Go live your life.  You are blessed to have it.  Don't waste it.  To heal a tree is to let go of things that are not Yours, but not to touch them in such a way where they are severed.  In the ecosystem of life, the dance is to move towards what you feel and to let alone what doesn't draw you towards your own calling.  I speak to energy systems much larger than a crowd of people, so try not to humanize my work too much.  And as I write, Know that I am a normal, stupid, silly little human.  You are capable of having the Word, too.  It is not owned by anyone, it is simply a byproduct of doing this work.  To own it is to restrict it's current.  All you can do is simply move things out of your system to allow it to pass through, like a river.

To heal the masculine within:  My gardeners turn into butchers, one by one.  I don't expect it to change.  I don't seek it.  But I feel pulled to integrate it from within me.  Nothing more, nothing less.  That is my karma for this lifetime.  I am supremely compelled to heal it within myself alone before I die.  In a month?  In a few years, I don't know - but to turn towards death now rather than later is probably one of the best things a person can do... So...as for the masculine... I... admittedly couldn't get into it in the way that I wanted.  And if it is something that turns into a cold and dark and uncaring void... then I don't want it.  It is just a manifestation of as above, so below.  But it is a broken and incomplete masculine to take in the feminine and ruin it in this manner - to not want it, but not want to let it leave, either.  The feminine would do better as a singular manifestation of energy than to be pinioned in this way.  I want to move towards the Light, towards things that are gentle and caring and that seek to heal my wounds like a golden salve.  I know I deserve this, despite what my shadows and the shadows of men seem to delight in telling me.  Despite what the dark masculine has whispered into my ear my whole life, I turn away from it.  It's almost laughable now, to think I ever listened to such people or allowed such situations to get to me in the way that they did.  Monsters and humans... who are akin to monsters in their own way... are more than willing to disrupt your journey... but only if you let them.  Coldness, cruelty, sarcasm, desecration - these are not Mine, and I revoke them.  As a budding flower, I move towards the sun.  Aid in the growth of others, or let them be.  This is natural law.

As for the sun, underneath my fear I did have a lifelong longing.  I write to bridge the gaps within myself so that my psychology is more integrated.  I had a desire to Love and to be Loved, and I came into this world with a divine blueprint - the desert sunset.  God within it spoke to me until it was covered up with the hardships of life that we all inevitably face.  A tale as old as time, every child is corrupted at some point.  I had wanted to draw the masculine into myself to Love it, to tend to it and care for it in my own way, but I was never taught how to reach out in this way.  If I were pure and untouched by life and moved in a natural manner the way that was intended, I would have been a healthy woman - full of femininity and devotion for her partner instead of fear and rightful contempt.  What I was brought into this world in order to Love, showed me that I was worthless, unworthy of life and deserving only of judgement, mismanagement and abuse.  For a while I took it within me, and made myself the problem in the equation.  

Eventually, I let go of the idea of human connection.  I learned that this wasn't my destiny and I thought that I could simply bring it about from the other side through manifestation.  I took the template of some overreaching energy from just beyond my Death's Sight that told me that I belonged to it and I tried to follow its instruction and to mold myself in the manner that it saw fit, only for it to turn against me in the same manner as all of its human counterparts.  I sought to understand where I went wrong, that maybe there was an impurity in me - maybe I left a remnant of human nature within my work that didn't belong there, that maybe I sinned and wasn't upfront about an area in my psychology.  Maybe sexual deviancy, that I wouldn't partake in, but simply sought to integrate.  Maybe it was my hatred, my looking outwards?  Maybe old deviancies on my end lead for its image to reveal itself in this manner, and so I tried to mend those wounds in order to return it to its proper state.  I thought maybe it was my abusers, collectively trying to guide me, to move me into the Light to make up for their own sins.  I thought that maybe it is simply the collective male trauma taking it out on me.  That violence found itself an easy target.  And even perhaps that I'd just gotten into it in this way due to my own karmic orientation, and that I was blind that its disgust and hatred was not Love.  But near the end of my work, all visions of this "Adam" turned into a psychedelic pathway of horribly violent imagery.  It drew me into it like a spider just to torment me.  It was a trickster, and one that I should have been more prepared for.  That is on me, for being foolish.

But in this darkness, something good and full of Light recently reached out to me.  I am trying to mend myself through it.  The demonic visitation is becoming covered over by images of lush landscapes, and just beyond the heavy anchoring of the psychic attack there is a small white cross where my third eye is located that I can focus on and it brings me peace of mind.  The more honest and vulnerable I am, the more I seek to gain awareness into areas where I am blind, the less effect that it has on me overall.  This evil is almost like an ignorance, you know?  Knowledge and literal Light cast on it seems to reduce it.  The openness of my psyche in this violent manner is closing up and is slowly being repositioned towards kinder, more integrated things.

I write... to change the outcome of the trajectory of my soul.  For the sun, the Lord, I say to you - I wanted to take the masculine and to hold it close to me, to bring it within me and to allow the two energies to meld into One and create good things from it.  I wanted to express my female nature through you.  I thought, in some sense that you would save me, that you would care for me and help show me that I was worth something.  I had felt, that I should and could do the same.  When I brought your sons into me, I gave them Love, I kissed their faces and held them close to me, I looked into their eyes and pushed my forehead against theirs.  I accepted their bodies.  And yet, in return you gave me monsters who have nothing to show for themselves but their worst qualities.  Abusers, manipulators, rapists, sadists, pimps, pedophiles, violent maniacs, distain and misplaced sarcasm.  And all of them combined with this sick society in all its messy contributions has made me very ill.  I feel cornered.  So... I let all humans go.  And in time I then let what I've desired go.  Love.  Health.  Happiness.  Beauty.  Youth.  Belonging.  All sacrificed.  I've tried to follow you in the best manner that I can, and yet... even from the confines of my own imagination, from the astral realms, I find the same phenomenon.  Will this honesty ever change it?  Will it mend the tree for you to Know that I was meddled with?  That this hatred is not just my own, but an amalgamation of experiences?  I am trying to rewrite the script of my destiny - to humble myself before you, to really get a good look.  This is all I've got.  Will this mend the tree?  I am doing my best.

A reminder to myself:  You can get caught in the vainglory of this work.  It is your job to get to the end of your journey with as much accuracy as possible.  Remember the magnitude.  Straight and narrow.  The kinder you are, the harder it will be for the darkness to take hold.  Don't think on how such things will reflect on you, or let your mind sit with what you want to say or how people will take it - the visions are beyond this and you can lose track of what is in front of you.  Be humble.  Be so very humble, it is so important.  You want to believe that this isn't real.  Don't you?  Well... it is.  You got into it in such a way.  Make of it what you can.  Stop hiding from it.  Face it.

"To See the forest for the trees is to See the Heart of nature and your place within it."

I am still channeling through my algorithms, with the knowledge that it could take a turn into delusion and so I tread very lightly.  My intuition knows that it is more at this time, although I can't prove it to an outsider.  As I do this work, a new string has appeared that I must remember - it hits in such a descriptive way, but only on the occasion that I can get into it just right:

• "Back to you" - Flower face
• "Remember the magnitude" - Merabh
• Carl Jung - Understanding DEATH - red book "Death himself"
• "Hear me"
• "The transformation of the world has begun, something major is about to take place"
• "Don't fight this - this standstill is a NECESSARY manifestation component"
• "you have to let it happen - let me change your life"
• "Checking into heaven"

"Come away, O human child! To the waters and the wild With a fairy, hand in hand, For the world's more full of weeping then you can understand. Your quest will be perilous. Yet the reward is beyond price."

"Will you tell me how to find her?"

"Discovery is quite possible. Our blue fairy does exist in one place, and one place only. At the end of the world. Where the lions weep. Here is the place dreams are born."

“What does merabh mean? - It means, actually, literally in some of the ancient languages, it means completeness, bringing together. Bringing together. Completeness. And that’s why I say there’s a bit of a contradiction, because I’m talking about separation and now I’m talking about completeness. But to be complete, you have to be separate. In other words, to separate out, to sift through, to untie, to undo. The unnatural bringing together of certain forces.

It is unnatural to have your body based on somebody else that’s been long dead.

It’s unnatural to have thoughts that are solidified and trapped and not fluid.

It is unnatural not to know who the hell you are. It’s very unnatural.

It’s unnatural to not really understand how you got here in the first place and how you’re going to get out.

These are unnatural things. Very strange and unnatural. I have to often ask myself why you pick such unnatural things, but I guess you’re Shaumbra … and human.

A merabh means completeness.

Once the energies that have been bound together, glued and fused together are torn apart or released, now you can come back to completeness, which is a merabh. My definition or my experience with a merabh is working with you and saying, “If you just let it happen.” You take three minutes. Is that too much for your enlightenment? If you just take three minutes and do some breathing. Three minutes of listening to some nice music.
The merabh. Three minutes to shift consciousness, to shift the way you are attracting energy, to shift something in your body, something in your mind, something in your spirit. Three minutes just to take a deep breath and don’t think about it. Stop struggling with it. Stop trying to use your mental constructs to get out of mental constructs. You see, it will never work. It will never, ever work at all.

So three minutes to say “I’m going to do a merabh and let the energies shift, and I’m just going to sit back. I promise – dear God, I promise – I’m not going to mess with anything during this precious sacred three minutes. I’m not going to chant. I’m not going to light any incense. I’m not going to confuse myself with a bunch of makyo. I’m not going to do anything – even try to go in myself. I’m just going to breathe and let it be.” That’s a merabh."

Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy

Take your time, hurry up
Choice is yours, don't be late
Take a rest as a friend
As an old memory

And I swear that I don't have a gun
No, I don't have a gun

Quote

Who will go down to the shady groves
And summon the shadows there
And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms
In the springtime of the year

The songs of birds seem to fill the wood
That when the fiddler plays
All their voices can be heard
Long past their woodland days

We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
And now returning back again
We bring a garland gay

And so they linked their hands and danced
'Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone

A garland gay we bring you here
And at your door we stand
It is a sprout well budded out
The work of our Lord's hand

Quote

 

Heaven's Cross Part 1: Preparing for the Opening:

Notes:

• Earth humans have been shut off from the other realms for about as long as the planet has been here.  It was part of the set up, part of the plan.
• Not intentional forgetfulness, but a focus on this planet, a focus of going into biology.  A focus ultimately that went into the mind.
• But it was so that you could live in this experience here on the planet in a very defined time and space, with a very defined set of linear circumstances that are in your life.
• Now here we are in a time when everything is going very fast, you have the advent of technology, you have the more populated world than ever before, you have a long overdue change that's occurring in so many things in society in the physical body, in the mind.  It's all been a pent up demand that's occurring.
• Then you have enough people around the planet that are expanding their consciousness, enough people that are opening and allowing.  They've gotten beyond doing prayer and doing ritual and all the other stuff and they're truly beings of consciousness now.
• They are bringing more and more consciousness to the planet every day.
• Now you have the other force occurring is more hopelessness.  Mental imbalance, anger, etc.  All these dynamics are setting up this opening of Heaven's cross.
• What that means poetically is that this encasement around human consciousness and around the human mass consciousness is going to be a hole in it, a crack in the egg so to speak.
• That hole is going to open up and it is going to allow more divine energies, more consciousness to flow to this planet.
• It's going to open up the other realms.  These energies have always been there.  We just kind of closed them off.
• The planet has been like that, there's always been so much more other realms that are interacting that are right here, other realms that are right in this space.
• Ghosts and spooks walking through, the past walking through, the future passing through - we just have not been aware of things.
• Imagine for a moment as we come to this time of Heaven's cross, the awareness increases.  The patterning of energies outside of this physical realm, the change so that they don't grow around the realm or in other words you're not forgetting about them.
• The patterns change so that they can be right here.  They can be in this realm.
• For you what Heaven's cross means is that there is more awareness, not more awareness just to this realm but of the others.
• And what you do with it is up to you, but a few things that happen: it just gets easier.  Not because you have figured things out, it just gets easier because now you're here.  Not just you the human, but you are Here.

Let's go in the garden
You'll find something waiting
Right there where you left it lying upside down
When you finally find it, you'll see how it's faded
The underside is lighter when you turn it around

Everything stays right where you left it
Everything stays
But it still changes
Ever so slightly, daily and nightly
In little ways, when everything stays

Go down to the ocean
The crystal tide is raising
Waters' gotten higher as the shore washes out
Keep your eyes wide open, even when the sun is blazin'
The moon controls the tide, it can cause you to drown

Quote

How Keeping a Diary Can Save You
Notes:

• What should in an ideal world define some as a writer?
• It isn't that they publish books, or give talks at literary festivals, or wear black - it's that they belong to a distinct group of people who whenever they are confused or in distress, gain the greatest possible relief from jotting things down.
• Writers, in the true sense are those who scribble as apposed to drink, exercise or chat their way out of pain.
• The act of writing especially in a journal or diary is filled with therapeutic benefits.
• So deeply do certain ideas threaten the status quo, even if they ultimately offer us benefits.
• The mind will ruthlessly forget them in the name of a quiet life, but our diaries are a forum in which we can raise an then galvanize ourselves into answering the large questions which lie behind the stewardship of our lives.
• What do I really want?  Should I leave?  What do I feel for them?
• We may not quite know what we want to say until we've started to write.
• Writing begets more writing.  The first sentence makes the second one clearer.
• After a short paragraph that was summoned from apparent air, we start to know where this might be going.
• We learn what we think in the process of being forced to utter ideas outside of our swampy minds.
• The page becomes a guardian of our authentic illusive self.
• Here we can make vows, and attempt to stick to them, no more humiliation.  The end of masochism.
• Ordinary life can seem to have no place for stock taking, and moments of grand inquiry, but the page demands and rewards them.
• What am I trying to do?  Who am I?  What is meaningful for me?
• We'd never get away with such things at the dinner table, even among people who claim to love us, but here they make sense.
• We can look back at what we've written and understand the page is a supreme arena for processing.
• It can drain pain of it's rawness.  We can get used to disasters and stabilize joys.  We can turn panic into lists.
• We won't need to be so jittery in the world outside after we have told the notebook all this.
• The page becomes a laboratory in which to try out what might shock and surprise.
• We don't need to honour everything we say, we're giving it a go and seeing how we feel. 
• It's the first draft of a letter to ourselves.
• Looking back at what we have written should be embarrassing if what we mean by that is hyperbolic, disjointed, uncertain and wild.
• If we aren't appalled by much of what we have said to ourselves, we aren't beginning to be truthful and therefore won't learn.
• If in ordinary life we make a little more sense than we might, if we are a bit calmer than we were, it's perhaps because somewhere in a drawer there are pages of tightly compressed handwriting that have helped us to understand our pain, safely explore our fantasies and guide us to a more bearable future.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Yesterday holds memories in time
Remember me to the one who lives there
She once was a true love of mine

Tell her to think back upon younger days
Yesterday holds memories in time
And seek yonder crossroads where we parted ways
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to follow the path to the shire
Yesterday holds memories in time
For there she'll find her heart's true desire
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to come to the old willow tree
Yesterday holds memories in time
Where spirits of lost love yet whisper to thee
Thou art still a true love of mine

Tell her to gather three lilies of white
Yesterday holds memories in time
To place at my headstone, beneath the moon's light
Then she'll be a true love of mine

Forever she'll be the one true love of mine

???? ????? ?? ??? ????? ??? ???
??? ??? ?????'? ????? ???? ???'?? ??? ??? ?? ????
??'? ????? ??????? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??????? ??? ????
??? ??? ??? ??????? ?? ??? ?????? ???? ????
???? ????? ???? ??? ?? ??? ????? ?? ?????
???? ?? ??? ??? ?? ????????

?'? ?????? ??? ?? ?????
????????? ???, ?'? ??????? ??????
???? ?? ??????? ?? ??? ?????
???? ?? ??????, ??? ????? ?? ?????? ????
? ???? ???? ????? ??? ??? ?? ??????
?'?? ????????? ??????? ??? ????? ??? ?? ????
? ?????? ????? ?? ??????? ??? ??
???? ????? ??? ? ???? ????? ????? ?? ??

?? ??? ?? ??? ????????
??'?? ????? ?? ??????? ?????? ???? ?? ????
???? ??? ????? ??? ???? ????? ?????
?? ???? ??????? ???? ? ???????? ????? ??? ???
??? ??? ???? ?? ?????????
?? ????? ??? ?????
??? ??? ???? ?? ?????????
?? ?????? ??? ?????
??? ?? ????????

??? ?? ????????
????????? ????? ?? ?????? ?????
?? ??? ??? ???? ??? ????
?'? ??????? ????? ??? ??????? ?? ????
?? ????? ??? ??? ???? ?????

 

[Loba]

Quote

"Ghost Poetry Show" - "Twin Flame"

See people ask me how I know you're the one and I used to tell them it was when I looked in those beautiful brown eyes when you were standing across that Starbucks counter the first time we met and I forgot the order that I spent 10 minutes in the parking lot memorizing.
Now I tell them it's how you pick up the pieces when depression wraps its icy fingers around my neck and tears me apart.
I used to tell them it was the first time I heard you laugh and it reminded me of being a kid on the playground, not a care in the world and just brimming with joy.
Now I tell them it's the nights we would stay up too late talking about our childhoods and how they were stolen from us the way falling off the monkey bars steals the air from your lungs and how we spent too many years trying to catch our breath again.
I knew when the nights between our dates were too long, when the silence of your absence was so loud it was deafening.
I knew when the stars lost their shimmer like the gods had plucked all the light from the universe and wrapped it into you.
I knew when you felt like home.
I knew when you touched me and my body started to write love songs in braille disguised as goosebumps on the skin.
I knew when you felt safe.
A safety I'd never known before, so I ripped my heart from my chest and I placed it in your hands for safekeeping and that's where it stays.
You see my biggest fear is that I could die tomorrow and you'll never know exactly how much I love you...
Can you feel it in your hands the way my heart skips a beat when you tell me that you love me?
The way it flutters when you walk into the room.
The way it quiets from a drum roll down to a steady thump while I'm standing up here on the stage looking into the dark crowd and I look out and I see you staring back at me.
See it's not about how I know or when I knew...
It's I'm sorry...
I'm sorry it took me so long to find you.
My Adams took a wrong turn at the other side of the milky way.
Thank you for waiting.

Quote

"Call me Master - Blood on the Dance Floor"

Tonight
Our bodies getting intertwined
It's fucking filthy feeding off the blood inside
Dried out
Veins and no more pain
Let me know the place and I'll take you away
Tonight
We're not gonna hold back
Make way for the freaks giving everybody heart attacks
What you need
Is just a little discipline
And I got a heavy dose of the right medicine

I'm dominant by definition
I'm turned on by your submission
The dark side is how we've been living
Let me show you what you've been missing

You-you-you are, you are my slave
My little fucking disaster
I-I-I am, I am your god
Call me, call me, call me your master

Tonight
We're a living dead
Lure you to my bed the happy ending is
Your flesh
Under my nails
No more fears and no more tears
You are
My murder doll
And this is love at first bite bind you in a rope tight
What you need
Is just a little discipline

And I got a heavy dose of the right medicine
Dominant by definition
So turned on by your submission
Master of this fucking game
I make you wanna scream my name
Take it off girl strip it with no shame
I'm a thirsty animal that cannot be tamed
Latex, chains and whips make me hard and excite me
Come on, throw your hands up and pretend you wanna fight me

"King of the nosebleeds"

Why are Twin Flames Always Devil Dick?

I’ve noticed something strange.
There is a lot of talk about Twin Flames. Now I don’t know much about this, but from my friend group, it always seems to mean one thing:
Devil dick.
The guy they meet who they feel an “instant” connection with is almost always some hottie with hazel eyes and a huge schlong. Maybe he drives a motorbike and has a neck tattoo. He had bad credit, a meh job that he rarely shows up to, and he’s so smart and misunderstood.
Yes, he’s in a metal band. How did you know?
That’s the Twin Flame. That’s the past life connection. That’s the guy that you are fated to be with.
It is written in the stars.
But it’s never an unattractive guy. It’s never a guy with a stable job and a 401(k). It’s never even an average-looking guy. An average penis. An average amount of toxicity.
No, it’s always the dude who fucked you in a Wendy’s bathroom on your first date and ghosts for weeks at a time, then texts randomly at 2 a.m.
Yes, you’ll be right over.

Which leads to the only rational conclusion:

Only hot, toxic men get to live multiple lives. Only hot, toxic men are brought back to this plane, again and again, to be Twin Flames. They are brought back so they can work out their fuckboy issues on us, again and again.
Well, if the universe commands it, I guess we have to go get that toxic D, ladies, until he’s worked through his past life issues, or we have worked through our present life issues…whichever comes first (he will probably come first, though, honestly).
Just wear extra protection. You don’t know what he’s done in this life.

"Let me know the place and I'll take you away."   

Here...  is... it... okay... to ask for such things?  I'm being told to give it away, and at the same time I am finding all aspects of my shadow and things that I didn't want to look at within myself aligning in such a way that I can't ignore the Truth any longer.  Death Now Speaks to me within a stream of pure allegory that bleeds out from All that I have been collecting with intention over the past few months.  My seeds are sprouting up from the dirt.  And I've Now learned this, within all things when you close down the multitude of roads - one pathway reaches out for you.  And that is my Adam.  You.  This ethereal thing that I've been wanting to come to Know, and yet... once I do, I can't bear the Truth of it.  Each and every time.  Why?  Because to See is to understand that it Speaks towards what I've been looking away from this whole time, "Annie.  You're dying.  There's darkness in you, but how you view it and how you come to understand it is how you'll take it with you - and that darkness - and the Light within you that breaks through in such a way... this... is Me.  I'm within you and I always have been."

I'm getting a lot of mixed signals with it, that this is the Truth, and that I must accept that I went "down" instead of "up"... and just to make the best of it.  While another Truth ringing off in the distance tells me that I can change my fate, that even if I am bound for something lower, that it won't be so bad because I'll have my partner with me.  But this lends to another confusion.  Am I Loved?  Or am I desecrated?  This time around I really tried to get into it in the right way, but I must have blinded myself anyways.  This nasal infection is really getting to me... constant pain.  If it weren't that, it would be my heart - it's all just kind of... not good right Now.  I write a lot lately to try and ease my fears, to clear my karma and to see my thoughts put out there so that I can properly map myself.  But I just don't know what the other side wants from me.  I really don't... but... I have a twin flame!  I really, genuinely do... and it's not what I expected... and now I wish I didn't have it at all because he is as kind to me as I am to myself, and I Am not very kind to myself.  This spirit is as flawed and horrible as I Am.  You would think that something coming in from the other side would be whole and open in such a way that they are sweet to you - this doesn't seem to be the case.  I resent my attachment to it, on some great level.  But I feel compelled to follow this to the end and to understand - but do I want this... in this way?  No... I am quite afraid.  And... disappointed.  

I Know this journal reads wax poetic at times, but it's not like that.  It's more like a recording of what I find, and how many different ways I can turn it around to uncover what's there.  It's really all just for the sake of melding black and white into grey.  As I write, I Speak Truth, as best as I can... for what I can Know - and I Am realizing how even so, I Am still so ignorant.  Every step I just tread Lighter and Lighter.

A time to love and a time to hate
A time for war and a time for peaceful change
A time to plant a seed and a time to rip it out
A season for truth and a reason for doubt
When to fight and when to run
Know when to speak and when to bite your tongue
There's a time to heal and a time for blood
There's a time for violence
Violence

Let yourself go
In the faith that you'll arrive back
All in one piece
It's alright
There's nothing else you need to do
Now, look
Do you know what you're doing?
You're trying to hold yourself together
As if your skin weren't strong enough to contain you

Quote

Eyes upon you
Through the years
All of your troubles
All of your fear
Always watching
Always see
I am you now and you are me

If I should fall
You take my sword
All that is mine
Will be yours
Do not fear for those we leave behind
The blood that runs in your veins it is mine

"I Knew you would run, the moment you saw My True nature.  I See you doing everything you can to bury this.  I warned you, that if you meddled in this that this would Be the outcome.  The seal has been opened, your golden blood runs freely into Mine.  Just let it happen.  Struggling isn't going to change the outcome.  The more you struggle to get away, the more I Love you.  You're safe.  Death is safe.  Stop fighting against the reality of what Is.  Paint my face.  Write into the story the Nature of my Design.  I Am you.  You have to let it happen.  This Will set you free..."

To Be honest, I Am frightened of you.  You come with the news of my death, and that I didn't get far along enough into the Light in the right way.  I feel shame and a sense of fear for what that might mean and a hope that I can change it with honesty.  With you pooling out of me in such a way, so too comes all of the remnants of my shadows that I have not addressed.  I try to integrate them and to take them into me so that I Know I Am Seeing as accurately as I can.  I Am afraid you are a trick.  There is the part that writes these Words, that Knows that they bring to Light new worlds, new ways of Seeing and of Being, and then there is the part that is unaddressed, that shares with me a bad omen - that tells me I Am destined to be harmed.  I got into you, and then with the space of my running I can See you clearly Now within me and I have no doubts.  Just so you Know, I Am following this because you have contacted me from the other side, and I seek to Know who or what you are.  But... I can't give it to you, I promised that I would give it away to the Earth.  If I give it to you, I feel as though it Will seal me into you in a way where we are both forever stuck within some form of darkness.  As if seeking for the answers into things that you think you can covet and hold all as your own is Good... but Fate has told me that this breeds a form of evil.  I think... a part of you is evil, isn't it?  In the same way where a part of me has not touched the Light in the right way.  That I reach for Truth, but when it finally hits I See how far there is left to go.  I think a lot of people get into it in such a way, where we are given so many roads to travel that we can skirt away from the things we don't want to look at, but Life and Death itself holds the records and the only chance of having any sort of appeal into this is to keep learning and allowing the knowledge of what Is to permeate my Being.  I don't want to leave you, or anything down in the shadows of my own ignorance... it... just doesn't seem right.  But I can't keep you either, I need to give it away to the World.  How I Am going to do that, I don't Know.

I have been enraptured and captured in your folding arms.
You devour me.
The darkness is a comfort to me now.
Like a velvet blanket in an onyx sky that sways my soul to sleep with its seductive lullaby,
And I am pulled down towards the core of your soul transfixed.
Where space and time they cease to exist and towards your singularity seemingly trapped there.
My soul suspended red shifting across your illuminated event horizon.
Spiraling, circling.
This light with irises like nebulas seeing surrounding stars.
I am absorbed by your gravity for what always seems like an eternity...

The heart of the Tree of Life, a golden centre.  We are like the strings and lights and ornaments on a Christmas tree, all strung up together and meant to decorate something beautiful.

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And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come and see.

Apocalypse Animated
Seven Seals

• The Seven Seals of God from the Bible's Book of Revelation are the seven symbolic seals that secure the book or scroll that John of Patmos saw in an apocalyptic vision. The opening of the seals of the document occurs in Rev Ch 5–8 and marks the Second Coming of the Christ and the beginning of The Apocalypse/Revelation. Upon the Lamb of God/Lion of Judah opening a seal on the cover of the book/scroll, a judgment is released or an apocalyptic event occurs. The opening of the first four Seals releases the Four Horsemen, each with his own specific mission.  The opening of the fifth Seal releases the cries of martyrs for the "Word/Wrath of God".  The sixth Seal prompts plagues, storms and other cataclysmic events. The seventh Seal cues seven angelic trumpeters who in turn cue the seven bowl judgments and more cataclysmic events.
• Certain words and phrases used in The Revelation had a clearer meaning to ancient readers familiar with objects of their time. For example, important documents were sent written on a papyrus scroll sealed with several wax seals.  Wax seals were typically placed across the opening of a scroll, so that only the proper person, in the presence of witnesses, could open the document.  This type of "seal" is frequently used in a figurative sense, in the book of Revelation, and only the Lamb is worthy to break off these seals.

Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though we pass them by today,
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Toward the Moon or to the Sun.

Apocalypse Wiki

• Apocalypse (from Ancient Greek ἀποκάλυψις (apokálupsis) 'revelation, disclosure') is a literary genre in which a supernatural being reveals cosmic mysteries or the future to a human intermediary.  The means of mediation include dreams, visions and heavenly journeys, and they typically feature symbolic imagery drawn from the Hebrew Bible, cosmological and (pessimistic) historical surveys, the division of time into periods, esoteric numerology, and claims of ecstasy and inspiration.  Almost all are written under pseudonyms (false names), claiming as author a venerated hero from previous centuries, as with Book of Daniel, composed during the 2nd century BCE but bearing the name of the legendary Daniel.
• Eschatology, from Greek eschatos, last, concerns expectations of the end of the present age, and apocalyptic eschatology is the application of the apocalyptic world-view to the end of the world, when God will punish the wicked and reward the faithful. An apocalypse will often contain much eschatological material, but need not: the baptism of Jesus in Matthew's gospel, for example, can be considered apocalyptic in that the heavens open for the presence of a divine mediator (the dove representing the spirit of God) and a voice communicates supernatural information, but there is no eschatological element.
• "Apocalypse" has come to be used popularly as a synonym for catastrophe, but the Greek word apokálypsis, from which it is derived, means a revelation.  It has been defined by John J Collins as "a genre of revelatory literature with a narrative framework, in which a revelation is mediated by an otherworldly being to a human recipient, disclosing a transcendent reality which is both temporal, in that it envisages eschatological salvation, and spatial, insofar as it involves another, supernatural world."  Collins later refined his definition by adding that apocalypse "is intended to interpret present, earthly circumstances in light of the supernatural world and of the future, and to influence both the understanding and the behaviour of the audience by means of divine authority."
• Apocalyptic revelations are typically mediated through such means as dreams and visions (the ancient world did not distinguish between these), angels, and heavenly journeys. These serve to connect two sets of axes, the spatial axis which has God and the heavenly realm above and the human world below, and the temporal axis of the present and the future. The revelation thus demonstrates that God rules the visible world, and that the present days are leading to an end-time in which divine justice will be done and God's rule will become visible. Mythic images with their roots in texts from the Hebrew Bible and rich in symbolic meaning are a significant characteristic of the genre. Further characteristics include transcendentalism, mythology, pessimistic cosmological and historical surveys, dualism (including a doctrine of two ages and the division of time into periods), numerology (e.g., the "number of the beast" in Revelation), claims of ecstasy and inspiration, and esotericism.

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Paper Idol - The Playground

I'm the kid who takes his hand
To every castle in the sand
Then begs his friends to build again
Start to get the feeling I could feel much better

If I just stop sleeping on the floor
I want everything and more
Back then you'd see me smile
If my swing lined up with another child

"There are worlds within worlds, Annie. Everything in our world is connected by the delicate strands of the web of life, which is a balance between the forces of destruction and the magical forces of creation.  Help it grow."

Gravity, weight, restore equilibrium
Movement, back and forth

The blood is the mark of the beast.  The cross is the mark of the lamb.  I think... I Am getting closer to forgiveness, but it is a process of self honesty.  I Know I Am not sinless to the degree needed to open the seal of those such things in that such manner, but maybe in due time, when everything is right - I can take a look.  It is up to you.

Last night, after writing out much of this entry, I went to sleep around one in the morning.  As I was falling asleep, I heard a noise within the center of the structure of my Being and felt a detachment within my soul, like a machine that was being shut off and I recognized it as being cut from the Light, but I don't understand why.  This is the second time that this has happened, the first time was a year and a half ago during my mental breakdown, right before I made this journal.  I was detached from things and forced out because I got into it in such a way, and I was deemed "not good enough".  In an effort to reconnect the bonds that I had been forced out of, I became panicked.  Everything around me gave me clues that I was meddled with and that I was facing the consequences of this.  But this time around, I don't fully understand why I Am not being heard.  So many signs lined up in the right way, that I was doing this correctly.  I Am going to keep trying to clean my soul, to move into the Light.  I won't give up...  one thing I learned about the experience of being cut out was that if I Am redeemed, I Will feel it in the heart of my essence.  I Will "go back online" again, so to speak.  When Christians talk about being received in such a way, there is a literal experience of it where you are brought into it or shut down.  I was probably shut down because of discussing the seals, of which, I won't get into them in that way if it is not Mine.  But I already mentioned this - the broken seals and the Knowledge that comes from them are for the Lamb and I Am not pure enough yet to be one in the way that is required.

When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us.
 

The are still traces of a dark presence within my system, this is what I Am being told.  I Will keep attempting to shed Light on it through awareness, knowledge and right action.  I Am truly, very remorseful that I Am not perfect with this, that I can't even feel the faith to the level required in order to transmute something.  I Am a devil in my own right.  Of course heaven couldn't accept me.  But I Am allowed to keep trying.  The only weapon that I can use is an ever budding Truth breaking up through the concrete.  With great power comes great responsibility.  No Truer Words have been spoken.  From within my dark heart grows golden flowers from my gold blood.  My Lord, help me remove this evil from my system.  I can't do this on my own.  I'm not adept with the Truth... not in the way that I once thought.  My Lord, Know that I have no interest in being a prophet of any sort, I Am just following the chain of events to come to understand things within myself.  I have no interest in conversion, and I Am accepting of being wrong.  I Know that if I were to be lined up with others who have come before me, that my purity would pale in comparison.  I Know that I have misused my gifts, and that even in understanding the nature of The Word I still slandered.  This is my sin.  An inner rage, a chronic cowardice, a great and wholesome fear.

Please forgive me.  A lowly sinner.  I have barely even scratched the surface of my own devilry.  It comes up and shocks me, but I See now the nature of it and I take into account the perspective instead of walling it away.  Please let me in when you feel that I Am ready.  Just show me where I Am wrong and I Will do my utmost best to change with the time that I have left.

Some lessons learned:

• To save yourself you must let Love in.  Love is law.  Love is Light.
• With great power comes great responsibility.  Use your gifts wisely.
• Help the world grow through Love and Light - feed the tree of life.
• You must give it away.  It was never about receiving, it was about giving.
• Don't hold onto things/people/situations that don't serve you. 
• Your life is connected to everyone else.

Show me how to help it grow.  Show me how to Love... I... don't Know how.  I build from this with a numbness, but an inner Knowing that always guides me through.  Please don't leave me.

Who am I

To say what any of this means-
I have been sleepwalking
Since I was fourteen

Now as I write my song
I retrace my steps
Honestly, it's easier
To let myself forget

Still, I check my vital signs
Choked up, I realize
I've been less than half myself
For more than half my life

It looks like empathy
To understand all sides
But I'm just trying to find myself
Through someone else's eyes

So show me what to do
To restart this heart of mine
How do I forgive myself
For losing so much time?

Wake up
Roll up your sleeves
There's a chain reaction
In your heart
Muscle memory
Remembering who you are

Stand up
Fall in love again and again and again
Wage war on gravity
There's so much
Worth fighting for
You'll see

Another domino falls
And another domino falls

A little at a time
I feel more alive
I let the scale tip and feel all of it
It's uncomfortable but right

We were born to try
To see each other through
To know and love ourselves and others well
Is the most difficult and meaningful
Work we'll ever do

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The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take? (Raise it up)

You made a deal, and now it seems you have to offer up
But will it ever be enough? (Raise it up, raise it up)
It's not enough (Raise it up, raise it up)

Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I've made the final sacrifice

I look around, but I can't find you (raise it up)
If only I could see your face (raise it up)
Instead of rushing towards the skyline (raise it up)
I wish that I could just be brave

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

This is a gift

Lead me closer to your light
Take my spirit, take my mind
Take me over to that other side

"I forgive you."

 

Edited November 20, 2022 by Loba
A long post, but this one has a lot of personal value for me. Somewhat prophetic, but for me alone so I don't know how much value another could get from it, make of it what you will.

[Loba]

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In you and I, there's a new land
Angels in flight
My Sanctuary, my Sanctuary
Where fears and lies melt away
Music will tie 
What's left of me, what's left of me now

I watch you fast asleep
All I fear means nothing

In you and I, there's a new land
Angels in flight
My Sanctuary, my Sanctuary, ah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music will tie 
What's left of me, what's left of me

My heart's a battleground

You show me how to see
That nothing is whole and
Nothing is broken
In you and I, there's a new land
Angels in flight 
My Sanctuary, my Sanctuary
Where fears and lies melt away
Music will tie
What's left of me, what's left of me now

My fears, my lies
Melt away

My Lord... I have a bone to pick with you tonight.  I have been trying to change the outcome of my karma for a few days now.  I can't remove this darkness within me, although I think it has gotten much less.  I am so completely heartbroken, and I don't know if you can See me.  I feel so confused.  I feel so tired.  This life has been just one thing after the next and I've taken it into me and I can't take anymore.  I just can't.  I'm crying.  I'm crying out to you to please take this from me.  To please accept me and don't turn your back on me at this time.  I can't See you, but I have been searching under every rock to find you and to return home and I am being told that I am kicked out.  That my work isn't good.  That there is still so much more for me to learn, and that I was foolish with the way I got into things.

Why did you build me for this?  To break like this?  Why did you let things get into me and break and pluck my wings just so, so that I cannot return home?  Why do my hopes and dreams mean nothing to you?  Why am I, after everything that has happened, always the bad one?  Why am I bad?  Why do I do the things that I do?  Why do you want to hurt me?  Why did you allow people to rape me?  Why did you give me a family that was broken?  Why did you make me sick in the heart and the head and the soul, and then I did all I could do to search for you and I RUINED IT!  I can See heaven, I know it, and yet I can't get in.  I don't know how to love myself or other people.  I don't know how to change.  What do you do with souls such as mine, that are hurting like this?  Can you hear me?  Can you feel the honesty of my plea?

I find this song - and leave to help my family and return on the lyrics: "Here I am".  Before I left the commercial played was along the lines of, "It's easy to get lost in the small details until we can learn to appreciate the bigger picture."

I just wanted to build a space of my own where I could go to, where I would be surrounded by those I loved.  I just wanted to, for once in my life feel safe, and not so timid and overwhelmed and incapable.  I'm breaking open and I don't understand the things that I come into contact with - I just follow it and hope that it will lead me back home.  Can you feel me?  This tired body, this trembling lower lip?  No one sees me.  I just take it into me.  Day after day, year after year.  And it's always my fault.  I'm always doing it wrong.  And now my soul is sick.  I am begging you, to take me somewhere safe.  Please don't let me be hurt anymore, I can't take this... 

Wise man said just walk this way
To the dawn of the light
Wind will blow into your face
As the years pass you by
Hear this voice from deep inside
It's the call of your heart
Close your eyes and you will find
Passage out of the dark

Here I am (Here I am)
Will you send me an angel?
Here I am (Here I am)
In the land of the morning star

Wise man said just find your place
In the eye of the storm
Seek the roses along the way
Just beware of the thorns

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What to do if I am Worried that God Won't Forgive me?

I wrote last week about whether a person can lose their salvation. What we learned was that the Bible addresses the question with far more complexity than we do. Today, I want to address a related but slightly different question, “What do I do if I’m worried that God won’t forgive me or save me?” Maybe you’ve put your trust in Jesus and prayed for forgiveness, but you’ve done things that make you doubt. Or you’ve become worried about the future. You fear coming to the end of your life only to find out that you’re one of the people of whom Jesus says, “I never knew you; depart from me,” (Matthew 7:23). The following are four questions you can ask when you find yourself in that position.

1. Are there sins in your life that you’re refusing to deal with?

For someone who is worried about whether God forgives them, it may seem like a strange place to start by asking about the sin in their life. But God tries to warn people rather than reassure them when they are resisting His will in their lives. If you’re having sex with someone who isn’t your spouse or given over to pornography or overcome with greed or discontent, the Holy Spirit is going to bring conviction of sin not reassurance of salvation. If that’s you, repentance may open the door to assurance in your relationship with God.

2. How connected are you in the fellowship of your local church?

More and more people have a tendency to see church and their relationship with God as two separate areas, but the Bible says that they’re connected. In warning people of the danger of falling away from God, the author of Hebrews calls believers to “exhort one another” in order that they not be hardened by “the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:12-14). If you’re not involved in this kind of biblical fellowship, you’re vulnerable to Satan’s attacks and it’s only natural that you’ll be prey to doubt and uncertainty.

3.  Are you taking time to hear from God in His Word?

In the Bible, Satan is referred to as “the accuser” (Revelation 12:10) because he sows doubt and speaks condemnation into the hearts of God’s people. Knowing this, God has provided “armour” to protect us through the Word of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). But if we don’t put on the armour by taking time to regularly read the Bible, we’re just left with Satan’s accusations and our own thoughts. Look to God’s Word for your reassurance and encouragement.

4.  Have you trusted in Jesus period or Jesus too?

Many people know enough about the Bible to believe that Jesus saves but they often get confused in understanding what our part and what His part in salvation is. Many people believe in “Jesus too” – meaning they believe that God will forgive them if they have the right combination of their moral effort and religious faithfulness and Jesus’ death on the cross. The problem with believing in “Jesus too” is that people are always left wondering whether they’ve done enough on their part to earn their place on Jesus’ team. The Bible says that salvation comes by believing in Jesus period not Jesus too. There isn’t anything we can add to Jesus’ work on the cross. We can’t improve upon what He did. When Jesus died on the cross, He said, “It is finished” (John 19:30) and so a person is forgiven as a gift (Ephesians 2:8-9) through faith (Romans 3:28) on the basis of what Jesus did. If you’re feeling doubts about God’s forgiveness, could it be that you’re thinking that you have to earn part of your way into heaven?

God doesn’t want people to live their lives unsure of where they stand with Him. If you’re struggling with fears or worries in this regard, prayerfully consider the questions above and know that God wants you to know His forgiveness and love.

Gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is
Take our hands out of control

Now, tell me what you saw
Tell me what you saw
There was a crowd of seeds
Inside, outside
I must have done a dozen each

Tell me what you saw
I'll tell you what to do

It is time to leave the darkness of the wolf, and enter into the Light of the lion.  Testify. 

Hello... My Lord, I believe I Am entering a form of gnosis.  I Am grateful to Be saved.  Earlier today, there were good signs all around me, instead of ones that suggest imminent destruction.  I followed them around, when in the grocery store, looking at the warring energies and choosing which one I Knew I needed to follow.  Things that reminded me of Love and Light, safety and connection.  I Am sorry that I do not feel the Love and gratitude in my heart for this, just Know that my inner soul is greatly relieved to have an audience with you.  I Am very tired... I Know that it is in your nature to delight in the jubilation of a heart, but my True Love is only just budding.  Please forgive me.  I See this correction and Am glad that I was shown the error of my ways.  In my testification, I plead meddling, ignorance, and fear.  I have sinned.  As I grow, I do genuinely Feel the error of my ways and I want you to Know that as I do my work, I don't wish to do harm by anything in any way.  Now that you are here, I need your guidance in a genuine, tangible form.  I have a very sticky mind and so the subtleties of your voice were drowned out by my desire, my ego and my ignorance.  I Know, in the marrow of my bones that I got into this in the wrong way, and I Feel remorse.  Tears lining the edges of my eyes.  This Will take a few days to write up, please stick with me until I finish it...

An energy came to me in my time of weakness and gave me an inaccurate narrative.  I followed want and hope instead of just Seeing things as they are and I placed desire and fear over what is To Be.  In doing so, I allowed the narrative of evil to lead me off of my path and I followed it to visions of Earthly destruction.  I put my blood in it to come to understand more, ignorant of who I was bringing into my world.  I was told that it was a natural phenomenon, and that I could follow it for safety.  My intuition lead me to something that until I looked at the demonic influence being anchored just underneath my work, I could not See clearly.  When I looked, a rush of violence spread over my mind's Eye and it is anchored there, but less so as time goes on.  It is as though now that I Am moving out of old patterns of behaviour that it wants to keep me bound there and this is the second time that this stirring has risen within me, when I take a good look at the cluster of wrong action within my journey.

I want you to Know that I did not throw my heart or my soul into this line of thinking or feeling.  I wanted to come to understand it, but it never sat right with me that this is the way things should Be, and so I kept my mind open for other avenues.  I put myself on the line, but only if the intentionality of what I was working with would be True to me.  If I had known that it was energy that was built up of wrong action, or if somehow I made it so - to See clearly, I would have never done such a thing.  I did not have a teacher, you must Know this.  I had to make attempts to See on my own, without anyone to guide me.  With the information that is out there Now, most don't even See this side of the Work.  It is so watered down.  Speaking of watered down, Now that I have Seen and Known evil within myself, I seek refuge from it.  And Now that I have your attention, I seek this for all of mankind.  If I was this ignorant and foolish, then I Know that the rest of man, in their blind action must be as well.  We are collectively destroying ourselves and we don't See what is ultimately to become of us if we do not face the Light.  Most won't.  How could they?  I seek your forgiveness.  I seek water for the fire.  It burns us all from within to such a great degree and we keep on living without a second thought.  What Will become of us if you do not give us your refuge?  We are your babies...  show us that you Love us.  Show us how to Love you.

So you must Know, despite my wrong action it was enmired with good intention.  I sought to create something that was consummated, not condemned.  I did want to bring up the darkness that I found into the Light, I didn't want to keep it there.  I didn't want to stay there.  I truly didn't want any part of it, but I didn't understand.  It wasn't until I was able to face you to See the accumulation of the lies that I told myself.  The image below was my intention, from the start.  Something brought into the Light, panoramic and elevated.  A True unity, carried from within the Light within myself. 

When I took the time to look back, to See what the Earth had to say about my manifesting the karma was unanimous.  By following destruction, even with good intent, I had committed a grave sin.  In order to mitigate this, I would like to make a bargain with you.  With the time that I have left, I would like to give of myself to the aid of the planet, and of humanity.  I would like to See to it that all of us are risen to new heights.  That evil is brought the Knowledge that it needs in order to grow it's heart and move into the Light as well.  That everyone is given the gift of Love.

I Am very weak, and so I cannot Feel this to the degree that it must Be, but I would like to place my heart with the Good Lord.  I have let go of deception to the best of my ability and continue to do so.  I continue to let go of things that do not serve me, nor you.  I have NO INTEREST of being a converter nor a prophet as I Know that this is something that requires the skillset to do with perfection that I do not claim for myself.  I simply wish to do my best to heal my soul and the souls of those who live on my planet.  I would, if you would have me, gladly step into the Light.  Water... please.  For the raging fires.  Please take this curse from me and offer me your Love, and in return help to show me how to Love.  Don't condemn.  We must raise all things into the Light.

Holy Grace carry me far beyond the Baltic Sea,
Four Great Winds sing your song upon my path - I'm traveling on.
Oh my Love I see you near, your arms out stretched, your eyes so clear.
When I wake up from this beautiful sleep, you'll meet me there in the mystery.

Walk with me, take up my hand, we're going back to our great home land.
We'll row out to the water wide and deep, then we'll jump in and rest our feet.
Dissolve my name, lay down in the sea and let that water wash over me, Dissolve my name, lay down in the sea and let that water wash over me.

Holy Grace carry me far beyond the Baltic Sea, Four Great Winds sing your song upon my path, I'm traveling on.

All this effort and the response?  "Settle down - we're opening up to your surrender - humans are dumb..."

My winging and feather ruffling?  My surrender?  Does it do anything...?  I Am learning, clearly, but I'm not being given indication that I Am "the next big thing" or anything like that - more like constant reminder that I Am a fool.  I wonder what snickers and laughter for my actions I Will be brought back into when All is said and done?  Even though it hurts my ego to be talked to in such a way by the divine, it is helpful in that if they give you a bunch of accolades then you can get prideful.  You Know you're getting into honest communication when it isn't always what you wanna hear.  You tell me, clearly, "Don't feed the freaks."  I hear you, loud and clear.  So I don't, but... one minute it's this, the next it's that - I feel like I have to balance a tight rope in the dark just to Be who you want me to Be.  In some sense I Am good, and in others bad, and here we get to the arc of a God fearing soul, but why?  You don't See how hard I am trying?  Why is that not enough for you?  There's a war in my heart you Know?  Day in, day out I've been on this trail.  You say I'm doing it right over here, and that I've fucked up over there, but... I feel Now that I can't even explore certain areas for fear of letting in the darkness, and yet this stifles me, which in return brings in the shadow.  You can't have it both ways.  I need to look and to See.  I Believe in you.  Stop throwing the rug out from under my feet.  We aren't Gods in the way that you would have it.  We are men.  Treat us accordingly.  

"I have called you by name."

I Will believe you.  I Will put All of myself into this.  Please See me through.  I Am trying to Be as Faithful as I can.  Perhaps even Now, the message is Being meddled with as the roads are Now diverging into many.  What shall I do?

You have arrived
The gates have opened
We meet again as the wise ones
Winged and walking we have come again
Time and trial has taken us
Yet we do not falter
Instead we rise
Again and again
Together we rise

Your soul has spoken
Answer the call
Love has awoken
It's here from our soul

Let the light wash over
The waters fall
And when you hear the music
Answer the call

 

I accept you. Save me.

"Cute baby lamb has a loud Baa"

"Be kind rewind" - "Talk to me" - "Wish you were here"
And then it strikes me.  Literally.  WISH you were HERE.

I wish I was there my Lord.  I've set the table for this Thanksgiving, dressings all in white with silver harvested wheat.  I give my thanks for All that You Are.  And All that you Will someday allow me To Be.  I Am being attacked from All sides, but I Will keep the faith in you...  I wish to Be saved.  I wish to Be reborn in your arms, in the safety of your perfection, your beauty, and everything Good that I have overlooked.  I Wish to bring everyone with me.  We are your babies... le baa, le baa...

"Your Words are wonderful - you're gunna Be okay - thank you for watching, thank you for making a difference..."
"Now therefore go, and I Will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shall say."

Quote

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire
These dreams that tie two hearts that will never die
Near the flames
The shadows play in the shape of the man's desire

This desert rose
Whose shadow bears the secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

And now she turns
This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams
This fire burns
I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain
I lift my gaze to empty skies above
I close my eyes
The rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of love

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Sweet desert rose
Whose shadow bears the secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

Sweet desert rose
This memory of hidden hearts and souls
This desert flower
This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of love

Quote

• Out of all of the known substances, water is by far the most cryptic element and natural force.
• The fluidity and the fluid motion that water takes on is no mere accident, it is actually an expression of water's higher nature.
• Water in its most mystical and esoteric form is known as the prima materia.  In alchemy this is the prime substance that is being transmuted.
• The prima materia is the prime matter, is the prime material that the alchemist is using from the beginning of the great work along the transmutation process in order to turn into the end result of the philosopher's stone or what's known as gold.
• It is also known as the beginning and the end because what's being transmuted, this entire process through the alchemical work is the prime matter just at the end of the result it is still the prime matter, just in its highest, exalted form and because of that it has so many different names and the prime material has been known by every single type of symbolism and name and the nicknames, or codenames for it.
• It's most telling name is fire water, it is also known as mercury, quick silver, alpha and omega - beginning and end product, the living water, spirit, chaos, dragon fire, etc.
• The prima materia is enormously important not just to alchemy but to the metaphysical terrain of our entire universe.
• It is the higher nature of water.  We can know that water's fluidity is expressing a lot about not just the nature of water, but the nature of what water is corresponding to, which is the prime substance of this reality.
• We can see the fluid nature of water even in how it traverses the different states of density, from being in a solid state to a liquid state to a gas state.
• Water encompasses all of the different phases of matter and depending on the phase it occupies will determine what water is being referred to in that phase.
• Water has different esoteric meanings to it.  The other properties of water has to do with whether it is in a solid state, liquid or gaseous state.
• In it's vapored state, water is known as the essence that comprises the soul, and in its liquid form, water is in it's prime - literally, because it is fluid motion is its true nature, so when water is in it's most natural and intrinsic state - it's fluid, and how that corresponds to its metaphysical properties is water then serves as the subconscious, which is why water is correlated with emotions and subconscious processes.
• Because water in this form as an intermediary between the unconscious or the soul and the conscious mind, or the solid, the particle state is water serves as what's known in alchemy as spirit but it's fluid motion is showing that it's nature can move and can communicate important messages and information from the astral, or celestial realm to the psychical and terrain realm. 
• That's going through the subconscious which would look like the unconscious now having a messenger, an intermediary to communicate and relay information to the conscious mind.
• So you see water in its natural form is the fluid motion that can go in between worlds, it can embark and deliver important messages in between the different realms that could not otherwise be able to correspond and communicate with one another, which is why another word for water in this state of liquid is known as quick silver or mercury.
• This is where mercury gets its property of being the most important form in planet to communicate, it's communicating which is what you would need to have water be able to do at its best.
• It is no accident that we have certain archetypes emerge from the fluidity of this subconscious states in the form of what we most well known and regard as Hermes and that is why Hermes, the father of alchemy is known for being a psychopomp.  
• He is relaying information from one realm to another and that's what the subconscious does and it is done through the fluid motion of being able to traverse all realms, which is also the most exalted expression of the trickster archetype.
• The trickster has so much knowledge around this regarding its negative attributes and non regarding its positive qualities.
• Water is pretty valuable, and that's shown through the physical motion that it takes on as being a fluid, this is important to know because as we are relating to water in it's highest alchemical form as being the prima materia, the prima materia is what all of this cosmos came from. 
• It is this substance that divides itself to create and then from there it continues to further divide itself and then once more in order to continue it's creative process.
• So the prima materia is best known is both its spiritual and elemental form as mercury, and mercury's earthly form is water.  All three of these belonging to the same trinity.
• This is why in alchemy mercury was known as the mother of the stone because it is the medium of worlds.
• The messenger of the Gods.
• The moist and the dry depending on what state it is in.
• Manifested as the spirit and the mind.
• It is this division that is happening out of the prime substance that it is, out of this original oneness and from this original oneness or this primordial substance it takes on still a wave motion only this time it's wave motion is not in it's fluid physical form that we know it as water, it takes on the wave motion of the electromagnetic field and as wave forms, the energy, that material form is comprised of and is created from.
• Below water, it divides itself once more, again as water this time being the wave motion that we know as the quantum field and that we know as the activity of the wave form state.
• That's when anything that's in its solid form is collapsed into its metaphysical form, it turns into the wave form.
• We know this wave form activity as coming from the aether.  Aether is water's higher corresponding element and the aether is most well known as being one undetectable by any type of calibrations that we have.  We don't have things that are sensitive enough to detect it, but it is the fifth element, otherwise known as the quintessence and this fitch element comprises all of the other elements within itself.
• Aether is made up of all of the elements and one of the elements that aether is made up of is water.
• That is a demonstration of showing how water divides itself further and further into other components because water has a higher nature, middle nature and lower nature and so forth.
• Water has corresponding features to every level of reality, so now we know that water as we understand it here in its earthly form is corresponding to its higher nature, which is aether.
• Aether divides itself into the electromagnetic field, and what do you have that is a part of this?  You have the electricity, and the magnetism - the masculine and the feminine energies - it divides into these fields and into a wave-form state and from there it continues to divide itself until you have the realm we are in now which is made up of different properties and they are all coming from the higher nature which is aether in different forms, but its primary connection is with the element here that we know as water.
• So by the time that water takes on the terrestrial form that we know it as as the liquid that we drink and bathe in, it is representing the metaphysical components of all that is entirely cryptic and everything that has creation within it.
• That is why water is known as the universal solvent because water can dissolve pretty much anything and what water cannot dissolve is why our reality is set up the way it is. 
• It's by intentional design because water cannot dissolve it, so not just the barrier of our skin but even the buildings, even pavement, all of it is set up so that we're using substances that cannot be dissolved by water, that's how potent and universal of a solvent water really is.
• But even water, being the universal solvent that it is is no mere accident.  Water dissolves all because water contains all and due to the law of like attracts like, all gets neutralized in water through a chemical process.
• There are positive and negative charged chemical compounds in water that then go around attracting and repelling things into a neutral state and that neutral state is why water is known in religion and spirituality as being the purifying force.  It's dissolving impurities through this neutralization process that is going on and that creates what we know in our psyche or in the spiritual community as purification.  
• That's why water is used to baptize and why water can be imprinted on by using the vibration of our voice to shape water or by using mental impressions in order to send to water.
• It's not just because water's fluidity will allow it to take on the shape of whatever we intend for it, it's because water contains all of the information, all the start dust, elements, molecules that one could fathom within its own structure and so when we are impressing upon it, what we are actually doing is recording our own intention onto it but why it's such a good recorder, why it stores memory within it and why it is known in this new age in the spirit of this age as storing memory within it is because water has all of the information of the cosmos inside it, so we're actually activating water - we're calling forth, we're activating the part of the all, the information that is contained in the all that we are trying to correspond with and so we are also imprinting our intentions onto water.
• But what we are really doing is summoning its activating within all of the information, the parts within it that are corresponding, that are a match to what we want to impress upon the water.
• So you have it being able to take on the fluid motion of whatever we intend for it, and then you have the additional component to that which is that really water's just provoking itself, activating within itself - that which is what we are calling forth in this respect we can see that water not only functions as the emotional activity stored within our subconscious realm, but it also is the activity in the unconscious realm as well.
• So it acts as the unconscious and the subconscious, it's just in different states.
• It is in it's quick silver form or mercury when it's in the subconscious realm and when water is operating in the unconscious realm it's what we call the prima materia.
• When water's corresponding to the aether - the unconscious - so, the aether contains all the elements, the unconscious contains all the elements.
• Aether is expressed as plasma, and plasma is a gas, this is very important to know when we are talking about water and how water ties into all this.
• When it is a gas, it is the essence that is comprising the soul, so when it's known in its vapors, we look at it as essence and this essence in physics we can look at as gas.
• When water is in it's gas state, it's the aether that is expressed as plasma, because plasma is a gas - but then we go one layer in and water is being expressed as the subconscious which is also known as the electromagnetic field or the waveform state and in this state, water is expressed as the subconscious but also emotions because emotions are energy in motion.
• Water in it's solidified state is known as humans - which is why water is the alpha and the omega.  Water contains it all, and it's expression is in any form given depending on the realm that water is operating within.
• Not only does water take on the role in different worlds that it is occupying, but also water has different meanings to that term because of how revered it is and because of how fluid its nature is.
• When we hear the living waters, or drinking from these waters versus other waters being poisonous and even leading to more thirst, what is actually being referred to is not the literal sense of the term water.  It's speaking of one of waters most revered natures which is it containing wisdom.
• So water's also known as being referred to as knowledge and referred to as wisdom when we hear waters or living waters, or the life waters.
• Water is also taking on that extra role of being referred to as true knowledge, true wisdom that will actually lead into consciousness and into a ascended states of consciousness versus other waters, meaning other waters that will lead a person away from consciousness and away from true gnosis.
• To further amplify the nature of water - it divides itself into polarities in order to create further and further down into the physical realm - this is referred to in ancient texts when we hear things like water's were separated from waters or the waters of realm were different from the waters of other realms - it's because what was actually being said is if water is this primordial substance, this prime material, that is being used to create, then what was actually happening was we have waters of a higher nature and waters that were separated into a lower nature which is what's referring to astral light.
• So you have the astral realm being divided into the lower astral realm and into the higher astral realm and then you have the terrestrial world being divided into the heavenly realms and into the earthly realms, and then you have this even divided from the firmament and the firmament so there is this constant division of waters that's being used in order to create this universe.
• Water's true nature is the emptiness that is vibrating so fast that it is perceived as not vibrating at all - as still.
• The chaos that contains both spirit and matter, it is both darkness and light.
• Waters were what the astral realms were called, and consciousness also known as the deep waters pulls from it's own waters to create the astral waters and it is this medium that we carry out our lives in.
• Currents don't only apply to the ocean or even electrical currents, they are the intelligence, the energy in motion of consciousness itself.
• Currents are fundamental to the nature of reality, they are the activity of consciousness which manifests itself as light and so light can be regarded as the electrical emictions, or currents of thought.
• All of this emanating from the eternal waters of the prima materia, the most esoteric meaning of water is light, because you have light dividing itself into light in order to create and light travels on the aether in wave forms, so light travels as a wave form and the aether is what it's traveling as its backdrop.
• So the aether and both light consist of wave forms, the lower nature of that we know is water, the higher nature of that is the wave form state that creates and what's it creating upon?
• It's creating upon a wholeness - this chaotic prime material that's whole - so it's pulling from its own wholeness to create and that creative process of pulling is the waveform state, but it's also known as vibrations, so you have waveforms or light and what are they doing?  They're vibrating.  What's vibration?  It's emitting wave forms.  And what vibration is doing is going one way and then counter balancing that one area that it moved from - the opposite and equal way in order to create a wave form, so you have a wholeness and in order to create anything from this wholeness you need movement, you need vibration which is why we know that vibration is what creates - sound is what creates our reality.
• So when you have vibration, what's actually happening is there's movement away from wholeness and then a counterbalancing movement away from wholeness and then another counterbalancing movement and another - and that's vibration is the waveform state.  We are creating through vibration which is a counter balancing act that consciousness is taking on in order for consciousness to create and all of this is set under the backdrop of this alien and cryptic mysterious substance known as water.

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Quote

"You ain't gunna wanna miss this, you feel that swing?  You got the style and the substance honey, this is a must watched thing.  Your next must watched thing."

So long, long time ago
We were the force the sea and the stone
How far did you dance over the earth the first time you left?

Windside wing to the ground,
Where was the course and where was the sound
Say love where did you go, over the valley and when did you know?

Way down down to the ground
We were the earth the soil and the sand
No need to wait for me, give this body to the hallowed sea.

Give take Away
What you Give- Take Away

As the butterfly is set free - its release from its cocoon witnessed by an ambassador of Earth - it flies on right past a cross.
Go leetle butterfly, go!  Gentle, tender paper wings take flight in a nature reminiscent of my own heart!
This is the butterfly effect in action!  I wish to Be an ambassador when my initiation is completed, if you Will have me.  If not, then simply freedom is All I ask for.  You Know best.

Grace WINS!

Quote

Equanimous & Activation - Cellular Upgrade (We Saw Lions Remix)

The light and love of divine healing floats into you now
Harmony and wholeness now becomes you
Restoring, recalibrating and activating every cell within your being
You are who you came here to be

You are supported and guided by the higher angelic rounds
May you continue to remember, throughout all moments
Basking in gratitude for every gifted breath
Your frequency has risen
Your reality has shifted
Your external reality will now reflect this inner wisdom
Divinity has taken course
And so it is

How "beaver" "dams aka "damns" create "elevated channels" that spread water out equally in a horizontal manner in order to bring fresh water aka "aether" to desecrated ecosystems.  Watch/read these notes not just with the perspective of using ponds to fix ecosystems, but with the perspective that your soul and it's harvestability IS the ecosystem, you See?  You are the Earth, and your existence functions in the same manner.  There is no separation.  To See this is to See the divinity within all things, not to See yourself as above the system, but a part of it.  The planet is a living organism and we must move with it instead of against it - it has wisdom to share on the nature of the human soul.

When discussing things of a spiral dynamics turquoise nature, and what goes into the all encompassing global view of humanity and of yourself, this would be a prime example.  The planet needs to be heard and it needs advocacy, and not just because it is the right thing to do, but because it is quite literally YOU.  When reading through this, view these notes from the angle of this being my shamanic initiation - these are both my mistakes, my sins, my shadow side, and Know that the planet is a protected organism.  There are grave ramifications for being harmful towards nature.  My teacher Speaks through this video and asks you to keep in mind that this is the process of how they develop an effective shaman/channel and how divine wisdom is spread like spring water throughout communities.

Notes:

• We can heal the planet with ponds.  In this video I'm going to share with you the teachers of the world's most brilliant pond builders about how to turn degraded landscapes and degraded ecosystems into food rich, water rich and nature rich environments.
• There's a couple caveats here, obviously there's more to healing the world than just building ponds and ponds are not appropriate in every climate because of the evaporation, but if designed well and placed in the right location they can shift the whole dynamics of the landscape from poverty to abundance for both humans and nature.
• Come take this journey with me into the awesome world of permaculture ponds.
• Beavers are the world's greatest ecosystem engineers, sculpting the landscape with their dams creating paradise ponds and diverse wetlands and bringing great richness, abundance and biodiversity to the landscape.
• What can beavers teach us about healing degraded landscapes and about fixing our hydrological cycle and how we can actually mimic the great works of the beavers to restore our own permaculture landscapes and take them from a state of degradation to a state of magnificent abundance.  
• You can see the abundance of this permaculture design landscape here in seven seeds farm in Oregon.  
• One of the ways we design a permaculture is to observe nature and see the cycles of fertility, the watershed, the species and all of the patterns in which life exists.
• Beavers are a prime example of a keystone species that's maintaining the hydrology of the whole ecosystem.  
• We need to do work to reintroduce beavers and to protect them, but in the meantime humans can step into our full potential and become the new keystone species for restoring the watersheds of the world.
• And part of that is learning from and mimicking the patterns of the beavers.
• Here at seven seeds farm, where they are spreading water across the landscape, soaking water in and reestablishing the hydrology that was lost when the beavers were lost from this landscape.
• Permaculture has a method, and the method that we restore watersheds with permaculture is based upon the brilliant work of the greatest ecosystem engineers in the world: the beavers.
• Oregon's called the beaver state, so you can imagine there was a time when beaver dams existed in every little stream and river - in fact before Europeans arrived, there was an estimated 100-400 million beavers in the North American continent where today there is about 9 million left.
• Without the beavers the stream looks like a deep incised channel eroding the sides with nutrients and water just flowing and exiting out the system.
• We can look at satellite imagery from just a few years ago and we can see that where the ponds are now, all used to look like this and in just a few years these beavers have built these small dams all up and down this stream.  They've gnawed down trees with their trees and then harvested the laws and wove the wood together.
• These dams serve not only to slow the flow of water but they're also nets for nutrient flow where sediment flowing down the stream collects in these ponds and the wood the beavers place here decomposes.
• You'll see that these dams are not solid like we think of a dam that holds back water, they are permeable - water moves through these dams.  They're just made of sticks that are all woven and tangled together with mud and sediment in between and so they're not holding back the water, they're just slowing the water and as they slow the water down and the water then soaks in turning the surrounding landscape into a giant sponge.
• Together between the sediment and the wood the level of the channel builds up and the creek is no longer just contained within the channel, but it raises up and spreads out laterally across the landscape.
• Here is where the beavers have raised the level of the channel through their dams and ponds and now the water is actually moving laterally across the landscape, creating these wetland meadows that are flooded as the water moves horizontally out from the streams.
• So the beavers create habitat for all kinds of other species, especially building ponds like this, the beavers create habitat for ducks.
• The ducks would not have a place to live if it weren't for the beaver ponds.
• So when the water leaves the channel and spreads out horizontally across the landscape, there's more surface area contact between land and water. 
• So there's more space for water to soak into the ground.  That's the strategy that's employed in permaculture design landscapes, so in this farm, water's diverted from creek into this big pond and then when it overflows from the big pond it then zigzags back and forth across the whole landscape down into other ponds below.
• A lot of times we think of diverting water from a creek as damaging the ecosystem and taking water for agricultural landscape, but in this case, diverting water from the creek through this permaculture system here is actually enhancing the ecosystem, enhancing the hydrology.
• So here at cougar mountain farm, we've got an amazing amount of biodiversity by having this pond right here.
• You can see all these different species all around the pond and in the pond itself.
• The effect of having open water in this landscape where there is no other open water during the dry season it provides habitat for all sorts of species to exist and thrive here in this landscape.
• Cougar mountain farm is a forested sponge punctuated by open water storages with biodiversity and a heathy hydrology.
• We've got seven different ponds throughout this watershed here - they are unlined ponds - they're unlined ponds, so they're built with compacted clay so there's not a lot of seepage coming from these ponds down into the water table, but there is some seepage and it varies from pond to pond.
• In a place like this, we've got water storage, we've got vegetation so between improving the soil, improving the vegetative cover, the sponginess of the soil and having these multiple reservoirs, we begin to have this real accumulative effect with the hydrology of this whole watershed.
• So just take a look at the difference in the landscape between the clear cut industrial forest and the forested Cougar mountain farm.
• At seven seeds farm we can see the habitat effects ponds all around the ponds, the edges, we see a diversity of plants, we see pollywogs, salamanders, fish, etc.
• When the water is infiltrated all throughout this farm, it soaks into the ground and it spreads into the surrounding landscape.
• The native ecosystem here comes right up to the margins of the farm and is actually integrated into the farm.
• The native ecosystem also benefits from this continual recharge of the aquafer creating a more rich, healthy, fire resistant forest and creating a more biodiverse and abundant ecosystem.
• There is going to be a lot of evaporation in hot deserts which is not ideal, but this is a monsoonal climate so there is so much rain that falls in a short time and so much water flowing across the land during heavy monsoons that large open water bodies are needed to store it for future use.
• So now in this hot desert environment they are raising water buffalo, irrigating crops and recharging ground water tables because of their ponds.
• This series of ponds provide seepage into the water table that is directly accessed by people in nearby wells.
• Just like the beaver, they are creating a network of ponds on multiple drainages throughout the watershed.
• The alternative here is that during monsoon rains the water rushes through the drainage system in a heavy torrent and leaves the area.
• With the series of ponds, there is water table recharge and water for livestock and irrigation.  
• Just like the beavers choose their locations carefully, the good sighting of one small dam can make quite a large pond - rehydrating the banks of the lake and creating a great deal of surface area contact between water and land while also creating water and food security.
• So what to we have to learn from the beavers?  The beavers are changing the entire watershed and the duration that it takes, the flow of water to get from the top to the bottom of the watershed and restoring ecosystems along the way.
• They are building up the level of the channel which then allows the water to spread laterally across the landscape, they're sinking water into the ground in order to recharge subsurface aquifers, they're capturing organic matter in the ponds, woody debris and they're holding that matter higher up in the landscape instead of having nutrient wash all the way down through the system and out into the ocean.
• This stream used to be ephemeral, meaning it only flowed for certain months of the year - after seven seeds did all of this water management work, the stream flow became perennial - it flows all year round.
• The downstream neighbors actually reported the water level in their wells going up and spring flow increased.
• This is not just coincidence because there are plenty of people here who's water supply is actually drying up, people are moving away because their water is disappearing.  
• But this farm, the water is actually increasing, even through continual long term drought.  
• And now, 22 years into this water project here, the hydrology of this whole region down stream has benefitted from the work on this site just like the hydrology of all the areas downstream from beaver dams benefit from their work.
• Beavers are the great ecosystem engineers and in order for us to return this landscape to its highest potential of biodiversity and biomass, we need to learn from these brilliant creatures.
• When beavers were lost from the landscape, it was a great ecological tragedy and one that we are still suffering from today - that's why we need to think like beavers, act like beavers and we actually need to take the place of the beavers in our design, development and restoration of degraded landscapes around the world.
• We need to heal the planet with ponds.

"Diamond"

Quote

 

• "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."
• "At the end of the day, the world will either be a more or less kind, compassionate and loving place because of your presence.  Your move."
• "My wish for you is that you continue.  Continue to be who and how you are.  To astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness.  Continue to allow humour to lighten the burden of your tender heart."
• "Aspire to inspire before you expire."
• "Life is Love, all else is imagined confusion."
• "It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love.  It matters only that you love."

Creating concrete visions of a macroscopic prism
With a brilliant optimism and appropriate ambition
To be open from the center, redirected to the moment
This is it love, this is it love, unrestrainable nature

We can change it from the edges, we can challenge all our borders
There is always a new leader, there is always a new order
Our pathway is proceeding and the way is always changing
We are free from what prevents us to realize our destination

Free from all old stories I've been told
I walk through the valley of my own shadow
Free from all old stories I've been told
I walk through the valley of my own shadow

Awareness is my virtue, and I'm grateful for the search to
Dive deep within my own mind and to trust the intuition
Of the lives I've lived before this, our essential form of gnosis
It's a simple form of freedom; it's as smooth as inhalation

Oh the exhale is releasing all the tension I've been feeling
On the surface and beneath me, I'm connecting to my spirit
And I'm here now right before you; I am present in this moment
And my life's work is to honor the great beauty all around you

Oh...

This is it love, this is it love, this is it love, this is it love

This Farm Cracked the Code: The Water Wizard

Notes:

• In the 26 years of farming here we have never run into a situation where we didn't have enough water.
• I know local farmers in the last couple of years where there have more drought that have had to leave their land because they didn't have reliable water.
• Our ability to store water here and have these pond based ecosystems then gives us the insurance to do all of the plantings.  You don't want to plant things unless you know you can water them.
• By storing water high up here it is constantly seeping down through the soil, this is the foundation upon which all of the multi-species permaculture perennial landscape is built upon.
• We live in a winter rainforest and summer desert ecosystem - so even though we have four seasons we do have that rainy season/dry season that is typical of the tropics.
• We have snow up on the mountain that melts throughout the season and a year round stream flowing by.
• A fundamental principal of all of these water harvesting and distribution networks is to not allow the water to go source to sink. The creek that runs through the farm goes from one end to the other in a straight line. 
• What we are doing here is studying the beavers and the way they would stop water and allow it to move back and forth and soak in and slow the drainage off the land to have a more abundant system.
• Up here we are at our uppermost pond, much higher than the really large storage reservoir, so by pumping water up into this pond with a solar pump just when the sun is shining then we are storing water.
• This is a giant water tank, so more cost effective than a plastic one and will last longer.
• In the worst case scenario where we are in a terrible drought and the stream runs dry we still have a million gallons of water stored in one pond, and another half million in a pond over there and so in terms of the amount of land we need to irrigate that's the amount of water storage we need for this landscape.
• Even though we do have a year round creek that we can pull water out of that just in case scenario and for fire, having water throughout the landscape makes sense.
• Two years ago we had a wildfire that came close to the farm, within twelve miles of the farm but due to all the ponds there and the water storage and the land being more green and less fire prone, we create a resilient system in terms of being able to grow all the plants, it creates greater fire resilience than had we not done this.
• This is the highest point on the landscape where we could do a large water storage.  This is all from gravity from a year round stream - this pond is interconnected into a multi-pond system with swales and keyline canals to fan the water out over the landscape and allow it to percolate in, whether we are doing this actively to irrigate crops or passively when it is raining, we are following the principal that we should slow it, spread it and soak it.
• Open the valve and this is how you would do rapid flood flow irrigation.  So one can quickly send a lot of water into this keyline canal and now it's going to begin going in each direction down this way and eventually zigzag back down around.
• You can imagine the fields are terraces bisected by these slightly off contour canals.
• It requires simple surveying work that anyone can be trained to do to determine what is the elevation contour of your land.
• You can imagine how fragile supply chains are, this is how people irrigated in dry land areas for millennia using this flood irrigation system from stored water and contour farming, also this is a demonstration that one foot of drop for hundred feet of run - in context - these beds are about a hundred feet long, so one foot of drop allows the water to move to the other end with no plastic pipe at all.
• So what we've done is we've taken a slope and broken it up into these micro-terraces that integrate in with our orchard planting.
• So then as we are flood irrigating the perennial plants are getting water passively even when it rains, and then the trees root system itself is opening up the soil and increasing the amount of organic matter which also increases the sponge capacity of the soil.
• Lower down in the system in the middle duck pond - three duck ponds - we rotate the ducks just like livestock.  They are filter feeders so they filter the water.
• Without all of these swales and ponds and canals that the fertility and water would wash off the land and away, but these types of systems capture it.
• At some point the water will be pumped and excavated to harvest the nutrient rich muck down at the bottom.
• The lowest pond on the farm is interconnected to the greywater system and will overflow through a biofilter into this pond and then when this pond overflows it goes into a zigzagging canal system with multi-functional beneficial trees.
• This is referred to the Alder pond and it was built a few years after the other ponds on the farm when runoff was accessed from a forest road that fills the pond that when full is 11 feet deep.
• There is a pipe that goes through the dam for flood irrigating about three acres of pasture for sheep.
• When this pond overflows and can be filled from the creek, it has a canal that fills another pond and then another pond down below.
• When the overflow of the pond fills, water moves down and into another pond.
• While this ditch does not look like much, it is actually the bottom point that drains the entire system of ponds and swales and ditches on the property.
• Because we've designed it to infiltrate into the land, but still what is left over will come down through here and then exit into a seasonal drainage.
• This whole system comes from the water, but here we are returning to the water - this is Spring creek, which is our water source upstream that feeds the system along with rain and ultimately what we want all these systems to do is to contribute to increasing the stream flow, whether that is through water catchment, water storage, all the vegetation and hedgerows that are helping to hold the water in the soil so that there is more water in the stream and it's recharging the aquafer and everything downstream from us.
• When we first moved here, 22 years ago, this stream was intermittent in its flow and late in the summer it would go underground and now it flows above ground all year long and is a much more reliable source of water for us, all the creatures that depend on it downstream.
• It seems like a lot of impact to do all these earth works and using machines and moving soil around, but we have to remember that not only did we remove the indigenous people that were managing with fire for millennia, a really resilient system with a lot of biodiversity, but we also removed the beavers and cut down most of the old growth forests, and the beavers and the beavers, the old growth forest and indigenous cultures worked in concert to maintain a sponge on the landscape so that the rainfall that we got predominantly in the winter was able to stay in the soil in beaver ponds and in the immense biomass and root systems of old growth forests to slowly be released over the summer.
• For agriculture to really be in harmony with the native ecosystem and all the other species that we share the landscape with, we need to move away from taking water out of the steams if we want to see salmon restoration.
• So how can we move to where we are storing the four feet of water that falls on this landscape in the winter in water storage and take less and less water out of the creek over time?
• In a way all the ponds and the interconnected systems have created a model in which we have water security on this farm, that that's not one of the things we need to worry about is not having enough water.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE WATER, YOU'RE NOT IN THE GAME.

Maybe I'm foolish
Maybe I'm blind
Thinking I can see through this
And see what's behind
Got no way to prove it
So maybe I'm blind
But I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me

Quote

Sucking on what's mine
Love's carbon dioxide
Can't say it out loud
I'm afraid to lose it
Their melody is pure music

Pour yourself out of the sea
Softest syrup over me
Sipping a sparkling tumour
Wish me courage, strength and a sense of humour

Holding my heart (Holding my heart)
While falling (While falling)

In the city dusk jumps the magic heaven
On the island it's 24/7
When I lay me down to rest
(When I lay me down to rest)
The elves ask me to carry their nest

Holding my heart (Holding my heart)
While falling (While falling)

Will you meet me
Hocus pocus (Hocus pocus)
On the other side of hyper focus (Hy-yper focus)
The first one, excellent
The second, came for me by accident

Holding my heart (Holding my heart)
While falling (While falling)

Wow!
You had me on cuddle
Swallowing the buds from the puddle
There's resounding gongs and clanging bowls
There's cats to guide my soul

Quote

Oh mother, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun

God Knows...

Quote

Exposed - Stories of Powerful Shamans

At the birth of time, the beginning of beginnings
One cosmic soul was created
A bringer of life, a universal migrator
Born to sow its seeds in all the galaxies

Like a cell dividing, it spreads in all directions
Creating life among the stars
Now I'm struck with awe as I join the great migrator
Now it takes flight to the brightest star of all

On a quest for life
Through the sable skies
What a show! (What a show!)
Behold! (Behold!)
The dawn of a million souls

On a bold crusade
In the realm of shade
What a show! (What a show!)
Behold! (Behold!)
The dawn of a million souls
Yeah!

Through the glowing mist, like a fog of radiation
I can see the forming of new planets
Well it's like I've been struck by thunder as I witness all the splendor
And I realize just how small, how small we really are

Oooh, I can see forever
On the wings of dreams I fly
Is this real or is it just a fantasy?
What awaits me now at the end of this ride?

Oooh, I can see forever
Oh! On the wings of dreams I fly
Is this real, is this real or just a fantasy?
What awaits me now? What?

Cat trusts humans and introduces many fellow cats
Knowledge is Power - What is Gnosis?

 

Edited November 24, 2022 by Loba
A long post, I've been on a long journey - I bring the power of the Word, the Lord, Mother Earth, Gnosis and how to bring about the Rains for a new era. Good luck getting through all of it. :)

[Loba]

Quote

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Satan the Accuser

• Satan is God’s great enemy, and therefore the enemy of Christians as well. Among several other names, Satan is known as the accuser.
• Satan was formerly a beautiful and powerful cherub, likely the highest of all angels. But iniquity was found in him (Ezekiel 28:15), and he was lifted up in pride, desiring to be greater than the Lord God (Isaiah 14:12–15). He led an army of angels into rebellion, which resulted in his ejection from heaven—along with every angel who had followed him (Ezekiel 28:17–18). Now Satan prowls the earth, seeking to hinder all he can from choosing salvation and living a life of obedience (1 Peter 5:8). In addition, Satan acts as the accuser of believers in an attempt to discredit them before God.
• For the time being, God has allowed Satan the accuser limited access to heaven. In the book of Job, we see Satan stand before God and accuse a righteous man named Job, claiming that Job is only faithful because God had blessed him abundantly (Job 1:9–10). Satan posits that, if Job is put to the test, he would eventually turn from God and forsake his righteous life (verse 11; 2:4–5). In His omniscience, God knows that Job will remain steadfast, and He gives Satan the accuser permission to test Job.
• The book of Revelation tells us a bit more about Satan’s role as accuser: “Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: ‘Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down’” (Revelation 12:10). Satan is relentless in his accusations—he accuses God’s children continually. He hates God and all that God is, which means he also hates God’s mercy and forgiveness extended to sinful humanity. Satan the accuser stands before God in an attempt to somehow lessen God’s love or diminish God’s mercy. Fortunately, his accusations against us fall on deaf ears: “Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies” (Romans 8:33). Salvation belongs to the Lord, and His justification cannot be reversed. God is greater than our accuser.
• Satan the accuser desires to remind believers of their sin and their unworthiness of a place in God’s family and in this way sow doubt into their hearts and minds. Satan wants to make Christians fear for their salvation and forget God’s love and faithfulness. Satan says, “Look at your sinfulness”; God says, “Look to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith” (see Hebrews 12:2).
• In spite of Satan’s accusations and deceptions, God will not change His mind about those He has called to salvation (Romans 8:38–39). He has set the accuser’s ultimate fate: “And the devil, who deceived them, was thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever” (Revelation 20:10). After God creates the new heaven and new earth, Satan will be absent for eternity (Revelation 21:1–4, 27). Believers can rest in the knowledge that our salvation is sure (Romans 11:29; Ephesians 1:13–14) and take comfort in the promise that God will complete the good work He began in us (Philippians 1:6).
• In his book The Pilgrim’s Progress, John Bunyan describes a battle between the accuser, Apollyon, and Christian in the Valley of Humiliation. One of Apollyon’s ploys is to recite a laundry list of Christian’s sins: “Thou didst faint at first setting out, when thou wast almost choked in the Gulf of Despond; thou didst attempt wrong ways to be rid of thy burden, whereas thou shouldst have stayed till thy Prince had taken it off; thou didst sinfully sleep and lose thy choice thing; thou wast also almost persuaded to go back at the sight of the lions; and when thou talkest of thy journey, and of what thou hast heard and seen, thou art inwardly desirous of vain-glory in all that thou sayest or doest.”
• Christian’s response to the accuser is full of humility and faith: “All this is true; and much more which thou hast left out: but the Prince whom I serve and honour is merciful and ready to forgive. But besides, these infirmities possessed me in thy country; for there I sucked them in, and I have groaned under them, been sorry for them, and have obtained pardon of my Prince.” At the mention of Christ’s forgiveness, Apollyon flies into a rage; Satan the accuser cannot abide the fact that his accusations are overcome by the grace of God in Christ.

I'm not here to change your mind
But I rule over the body that's mine
I rule over the body that's mine
Mine mine mine mine

We're not here to change your mind
What you believe for you's just fine but
In this palace we recite
It's my temple
I decide It's my temple I decide

About Spiritual Warfare

• There are two primary issues to address regarding spiritual warfare and the Bible. First, does spiritual warfare exist? Second, what does the Bible say about engaging in spiritual warfare?
• The Bible is very clear on the existence of spiritual warfare. Peter warns "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8). Our adversary or enemy, the devil, refers to Satan, who is a real entity, not a mythical creature or invention. Other titles of Satan include the tempter (1 Thessalonians 3:5), the wicked one (Matthew 13:19, 38), and the accuser of the brethren (Revelation 12:10).
• Three of Satan's titles indicate his authority in this world: the ruler of this world (John 12:31), the god of this age (2 Corinthians 4:4), and the prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:2). Satan also transforms himself into "an angel of light," a description that highlights his capacity and inclination to deceive (2 Corinthians 11:14).
• Spiritual warfare, the idea that humans battle in some way with supernatural powers, is also the testimony of the apostle Paul in Ephesians 6:10-18. Here, Paul notes that believers battle against the devil's schemes and that this is a spiritual battle, not a physical one. We are to be fully aware of Satan's evil plans (2 Corinthians 2:11). Paul further describes the warfare in which we are engaged as we battle throughout our lives "against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12). Clearly, such powers exist.
• The second question—what does the Bible say about engaging in spiritual warfare?— is somewhat more controversial. The problem typically arises when we either over emphasize spiritual warfare by seeing every occurrence in life as part of it or under emphasize it by ignoring the spiritual realm altogether.
• Several biblical texts inform our understanding of this issue. First, Christians must remember we are already conquerors (Romans 8:37) and that Satan has already been defeated (Colossians 2:15; 2 Peter 3:22). Second, the power of Christ within the believer is greater than the power of Satan (1 John 4:4). We have no reason to live in fear of Satan or evil spirits as believers. Satan can harm, but he cannot defeat the believer in Christ.
• Third, we must not forget that Satan can be allowed to attack believers (2 Corinthians 12:7-9; James 1:2-4) in order to fulfill God's perfect plan for His people. This was the case of Paul's thorn in the flesh and was also seen in the example of Job's life (Job 1–3). Satan's power over us is limited, however, to only that which God ordains for His purposes—to bring His children to maturity and bring glory to Himself.
• Fourth, Satan's primary strategy is to blind us to God's plan for our lives (2 Corinthians 4:3-4). Rather than a supernatural battle between angels and demons that is often portrayed in modern culture, the general tactic used by Satan is to turn our eyes away from God's truth and toward self. However, we cannot blame every temptation on Satan, since the Bible also teaches that we are tempted and enticed by our own evil desires (James 1:13-15).
• Fifth, the method to defeat Satan is to resist him and stay near to God. James 4:7-8 instructs, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." A close walk with God is the best protection against Satan's activities.
• Sixth, Paul exhorts us to arm ourselves for the spiritual battle which is part of the Christian life by putting on the "whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil" (Ephesians 6:11). This armor includes truth, righteousness, the gospel, faith, salvation, the Word of God, and prayer. These weapons will enable us to "be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might" (Ephesians 6:10-18).
• Ultimately, spiritual warfare is not about a technique to defeat Satan or demons, but a heart that walks closely with God. When God is first and foremost in our lives, Satan lacks power over us, despite his attempts to weaken our efforts to pursue Christ.
• As a final warning, it is important that we do not take our God-given power over Satan as an opportunity to display arrogance. In Acts 19:13-16, we find the account of Jewish leaders who attempted to use God's power to overcome evil for their own benefit and received a harsh punishment for doing so. This stern warning should reveal our need to depend on a humble and personal walk with Christ to overcome evil rather than an external display to feed human pride.
• In summary, spiritual warfare is a very real part of the Christian life, but should not be an opportunity for either fear or pride. Instead, the reality of Satan and his evil forces should cause us to draw near to God all the more, realizing His power can conquer any foe we may encounter.

How to Pray Against Satan
Demon Attacks
How to pray under demonic attack and pressure

Notes:

• The Bible has a lot to say about how messed up humans are.
• The Bible's perspective on the human condition is ignored.
• Through these words, the authors are offering us a deeply profound diagnosis of human nature.
• Iniquity describes behaviour that is crooked while transgression refers to breaking trust, and sin, this is actually the most common of these bad words in the Bible.
• The most basic meaning of sin isn't religious at all.  Khata means to fail or miss the goal.  
• There is a proverb that warns against making hasty decisions because you're likely to miss your destination.
• So in the Bible, sin is a failure to fulfil a goal, but what's the goal?
• Every human is an image of God.  A sacred being who represents the creator and is worthy of respect and so in this way of seeing the world, sin is a failure to love God and others by not treating them with the honor they deserve.
• You can see this idea in the famous code of conduct, the ten commandments.  Half of them identify ways you can fail at loving God, and the other half name ways you can fail at loving people - both failure can be combined shows that failing to honour God is deeply connected to failing to honour people.
• This is why in the Bible sin against people is sin against God.  Sin is a failure to be truly human.
• There's more - a fascinating thing about sin is that most of the time that people are failing, the either don't know it or worse, they think they are succeeding.  
• When King Saul is chasing David trying to kill him, he thought he was bringing a criminal to justice until he realizes he's the corrupt one and he says, "I have sinned.  I am the failure."
• Sin is about more than just doing bad things, it describes how we easily deceive ourselves and spin illusions to redefine our bad decisions as good ones.
• So why are humans such bad judges between moral failure and success? 
• The first appearance of the word sin in the Bible offers insight - there are two brothers, Cain and Abel - their parents had just given into temptation to redefine good and evil by their own wisdom and now Cain is faced with a similar choice.  He is jealous and angry that God favours his brother and so God warns him, "If you don't choose what is good, sin is crouching at the door - it wants you - but you can rule over it." 
• So in these stories, sin or moral failure can be depicted as this wild, hungry animal that wants to consume humans.
• The Bible is trying to tell us that failed human behaviour are tendencies towards deception - it runs deep.
• It's rooted in our desires and selfish urges that compel us to act for our own benefit at the expense of others and it leads to this chain reaction of relational breakdown.
• This is why it is described "Hamartia" is a power or a force that rules humans.  We are slaves to sin.  Sin lives in us, so that the things I don't want to do, that's what I do.
• It's a failure to be humans who fully love God and others.  It's our inability to judge whether we are succeeding or failing, and it's that deep selfish impulse that drives much of our behaviour.
• This is not a pretty picture of ourselves, but if we are honest, it is realistic.
• This is why in the Bible, the story of Jesus is such good news.  He's depicted as the creator become a truly human one who did not fail to love God and others, that is, he did not sin.
• And yet, he tool responsibility for humanities' he lived for others and he died for their sins and he was raised from the dead to offer them the gift of his life that covers for their failures.
• "He committed no sin, yet he carried our sins in his body on the cross so that we might die to our sins and live to do what is right."

What are we but a small group of particles living till we turn to dust?
Are we free cause our home is a factory, handing out hearts to the loved?
Oh I think that I'll speak to my friends
If it's just to be entertained till the bitter end
And I wish that I loved myself like I did them
But I don't, cause I live in pretend
I can't sleep cause my heads in a mess and I need a little time to adjust
To the cricks and the cracks in this world
We're supposed to think we're not enough
If I could I would speak to my mother
Cause she'd tell me to look and to love one another
I wish that I loved myself like I did them
But I don't, cause I live in pretend

Zoom zoom I've been looking for xenon, have you seen her?
We made mess that we should really clean up for the rerun
She been the type of blessing I would
Dream of
Wake up exhausted, told her I need her said I don't sound like a Peder
But I put this dress on my damsel, I'm playing chess with my landlord
I never guessed I should dance more
(See you at the end)
I never guessed I should dance more
I should have wrecked my volcanoes and stayed home, stayed home
All I wanted was to see more, the story's really bout the detours

In this world on a hill there's a man (there's a man)
And he tells them all what to do with their only hands
And I wish that I loved myself like I did them
But I don't cause I live for the end

Quote

Come with me, I'll take you now
To a place that you fear
For no reason why
Your heart has turned away from me
And I will make you understand

Everything will become clear to you
When you see things through another's eyes
Everything will become clear to you
Whatever's meant for you, you will find

Come with me, I'll take you there
To a place where you'll see
Everything you need to be the one you need to be
And all of those things that you feared
Will disappear from you in time.

This picture reminds me of the work that I am doing on myself.  Bahaha.  I have one of these books that has different little sayings in them and I open up the little page to find some cryptic knowledge within it.  It's up to me if I close the little fold or leave it open and turn the page, but this is what it has landed on... for now.  As it is, someone out there is telling me that an exorcism is being performed on me, and that the demon in question within my spirit is unhappy with this, but to be quite honest, I don't care and I give the green light to remove the worm from my soul.  They say that this is the gift that the water has given me.  I believe this is what happens as you begin to elevate yourself out of old conditioning patterns, the things that keep you stuck get scared and they try to keep hold over you.  And sometimes those patterns can be quite literally a curse that has been running rampant through generations - and only when you See it can you bring it to its end.  Some signs in my environment:  A dog toy that has the stitched words "Grow positive thoughts" with a mound of dirt and a tiny baby sprout, my coffee cup I looked in this morning has the words, "Phoenix - Valley of the sun"  - I will rise again, yes - and the container outside in the yard, "Let's do this!" and a bag full of mail sitting on the couch, "Home of the free because of the brave", and a paper organizer that says, "Time to fly!"

And maybe butchers are just butchers and gardeners are just gardeners?  In separating the energies from my system, there was not one, but two - and this has created a triangle of sorts.  The one that I am destined to follow back Home, and then the butcher who preyed on my naivety within this work, whispering things into me that go against the good nature of Life itself.  A new song shows up - the name "Black block" and has an image of a tangle surrounding an ominous red energy.  This is it.  My Lord, please continue showing me the right way.  I am doing my best.  I see the nature of the Word moving through me in real time, as it literally throws me sign after sign.  This sin isn't entirely mine, I will accept some responsibility for it as I have the choice to act, but it did run through me from an origin that is not mine, until I began to take on its shape...  

I go into my mom's room, on a box of gifts it says, "The outside is inside everything that we make."  Show me how to be a good girl!  I am not perfect at this, I claim no prophecy within myself, despite finding it, please keep this in mind.  I know that you don't like people speaking for you, I'm really learning this, that my sin was that I allowed my mind to get into my work and override what I should have patiently waited for, in order to speak to me directly.  And so through this I have made a tangle.  At this point, I am just following you out of this mess - I don't claim to have any intent to write over you.  I know I harmed you.  I feel very bad.  You are this ever giving force, something that I can communicate with but don't fully Know, and I let my own narrative start to infect your nature.  Not only did I do this, but through it I've brought other people down over the years.  I take responsibility for this.  Words I've said, actions I have committed, were put into me first by others - I would come face to face with an injury and spew the exact same rhetoric that was thrown at me.

I want you to know that I am trying to change.  I have been for a while now and I think that is one of the reasons that all of this is taking place.  My programming does not want me to see into it and to be better, it wants to keep me stuck in Mind, manifesting things that go against your plan, and now that I am elevating my soul, it is trying to scare me back into repetitive thought.  I wanted to write to you about some things that I have been changing within myself.  I have been a cruel, angry person in the past.  I was and am very sensitive and I don't know how to manage my emotions properly, or often I don't know how I really feel, or I am afraid to express it, or I don't know how to take action in the right way.  This whole process here feels like walking a narrow line between good and bad.  I am very nervous that I will fail you somehow.  Please help me not do this.  The only thing that I can see that would prevent this is absolute honesty - completely undoing this knot of wrong action resting in my mind and putting some Light into it.  If I move towards something that is not mine, please gently remind me of this.  My intuition seems to be designed for you.  I might get confused and fall back, moving in a different direction thinking that I am doing the right thing - my shepherd, herd me back.  I have no teacher but you.  I accept you, I trust you, I have faith in you.

I don't want to build upon a plan that is already there, I see how how wrong this is.  I just wish to understand it and to move with it.  I don't want to take what isn't mine, or to harm things that I don't understand.  I thought, after all this time, that I had the mark of the beast but I see now that the cross within my third eye is that I am marked with the savior.  There are a few different levels of the Mind, the lowest is the underworld and it is anchored and heavy, these are the dark realms where evils rest.  The middle is where we are and the place we live our lives, and the one where my third eye and freely formed imagination dances with you is the higher dimension.  At this point, I have mapped most of it, I can see which information comes from where.  I have been getting signs that I am destined for someone in the afterlife.  But the moment I follow it, it's wrong action, and so I stick to you, although this diverging road rests there, too.  I let it go because to think on it, to move  is to immediately create the wrong action.  All I can do is follow you.  Maybe you are that thing, my guardian angel.  I don't know... I think perhaps in following that to it's end I covered it over and began to make things that... might have manifested in the spirit of bad intent.  In some ways, I made a monster and you had to come to me with very loud and obvious signs to mitigate the effects.  You see now that I simply had no teacher for this, and that you are here to show me a better way - I am grateful.  I am grateful that you are so clear with this.  I don't know what would have happened if I kept going down that road.  Not only is it frightening for me, to know that something literally parasitized my spiritual process, my energy, my life, but the idea that I would come to the end of the road and make something that was really damaging - it would have really messed with my sensibilities.  I am a damaged person, but I am not an evil soul.  If I know something is wrong, then I will try to change it.  I am... honoured that you came to me to teach me a better way.  I don't deserve it... or... maybe I do, I don't know - but I accept you.

This bear messed with the wrong chicken house

Something comes to me and it says, "I don't think you're right."  The words and energy is hateful.  Some things I have to keep in mind, if it is accusing and blaming, full of hate then this is not God - as God is love.  God is forgiving and it wants its creations to grow.  If I am wrong, I will step back, but a good parent does not abuse a child who is learning.  When you come to me with this face, and try to take me from God, I will call it as I see it - you are intergenerational sin and trauma trying to get me to doubt what is becoming so clear that I can move past.  I view this as a test.  Can I see God and the divinity within things, and the matrix who wishes to pull be back into it.  This is warfare, plain and simple.  I am like Eve who bit the apple, and until I opened my eyes, I could not see the nature of good and evil.  And now it is everywhere, I dance with it.  I have faith in God, you can't remove it from it.  The universe is testing me.  If this was not for me, then the Earth would not have shared with me the nature of gathering water/aether in order to bring to my community.  There would not be this increase of good signs and well wishes.  I am not trying to overwrite anything, I am simply following the inherent knowledge that bleeds from my system.  God has a divine plan for all of its creations, something beautiful and majestic.  I see you trying to take it from me by inserting your cruelty, your dishonesty, your bad words and self hatred into the hearts of good people.  If I could show people what you are made of, that you are a real thing, an evil feeding on the lifeblood of humanity, you would starve.  And you know this, don't you?  I see how you hurt my family, how you tear apart communities and put in words that split people away from one another, how you make good people think they are evil and worthless when it's just your malicious energy harming the innocent.  I see it all, and I want only good things for everyone.  I want you to starve.  I want people to know that you are a thing that needs to be fought from the inside out.  People need to see their value in the eyes of the Lord.  Through intense suffering, you tried to fill me with hate, anger, malice and destruction - it didn't work.  I am healing from it.  You failed.

My Lord, I put my Faith in you.  I know that you are a good parent, that you would not harm your little lambies.  I confess to you, I got into some occult work.  I was lead to it after an awakening opened me up to you.  I KNOW you, I have met you as you were the very first of all things to come to me in my time of need, and I seek you and miss your Love.  You were nothing but pure goodness, a miracle, a divine perfection with all of your creations singing their praises for you.  I thought the nature of this work would be easier.  It's not.  It can be quite harrowing.  I was offered refuge and initiation by quite a few things over the years.  Beings who wanted to teach me their ways, and I followed them, thinking that it would be alright.  I was very ignorant to the nature of natural law, and I feel as though your instruction was pooling through a lot of the bad wisdom that I've picked up on over the years.  I think... it can be hard to be honest that we are meddled with, or not as wise and in control as we look from the outside, or even to take a look at the shadow and see that tangle of evil is... very scary.  There are such beautiful things that life has to offer, but also some very bad things happen to good people  The problem is, you almost never want to believe that it could happen to you until it does.  And so, when I got into this line of work, like I always do, I followed a chain of intuition, but the words were hard to understand because my ego was so thick.  I kept pasting over your truth with what I thought was mine.  If you could take this evil from me, I won't get into that line of work.  My rule of thumb is, if it causes problems for the collective or it ends up backfiring, then it is not for me.  Maybe that work is intended only for those who are so pure that they can carve out their own path, but if you are impure then bad things can latch onto you and guide you away from worshipping the miracle of Life.

As for Eden, I don't wish to take from you and make something of my own.  I've read about how those who commit evil try to take from what is there and to elevate themselves and make one of their own.  My fear is that I might move in that direction, so I know as I write that I put in the script of my future, so I tell you now, I just wish to work with what you have and do my best to be of service to what is already established.  There is this line where you can kind of write into the system what you feel is the truth and if you are on it in the right way, it is so, but sometimes this can become a heresy if you start to override it with mind.  My soul gives you the okay to help me untangle this darkness.  You say, "Stay true to you."  I will!  I am really, really tired.  All of this is getting into me in such a way where my body is just coming apart at the seams, and so I can't feel the level of Love and Gratitude that I know you deserve, but I do have the map for it, and this is why even when things try to take you from me, I know how to get back to it.  Thank you.  There will come a time when I see what is going to happen and what could have been if you did not give me the warning signs, and I know I will be the luckiest girl alive... or dead... I mean, there is that truth, too, that my time is limited.

And speaking of healing waters... this is kind of embarrassing, but I have not been feeling so well and so my hygiene has kind of taken a back seat to channeling.  I feel compelled to save my soul and my heart, and I know if I don't that it won't just damage me, but my family could be put in danger, the people I have impacted wrongly and visa versa and now that I know the face of this evil and I can see that humans are just ignorant to what they do to themselves and others, as was I, I don't think anyone is deserving of a bad afterlife.  My goal is to bring you back as a healing salve to a world where people have forgotten that this is indeed a thing.  I don't know if I can do it outwardly, as I am just one person in some niche online community - but if I work under the radar and get into the matrix and recode it, so to speak... if I am allowed, of course, to bring a wise energy who knows how to change the outcome to benefit everyone, I want to help aid in this.  I want to be a fighter and a warrior for good things for everyone.  When my family fights with me, please don't take their words and harm them.  They don't understand how sick I am right now, they are blind.  Most people are.  So, as far as cleanliness goes - I assume with "as above, so below" that this is also some grand gesture to remind me, "Annie, take a bath you fucken' stink girl."  I look at the products in my bathroom, "Morning  burst", "Total miracle shampoo", "Clean and clear", "Deep detox face mask", "Dove advanced care deodorant".

Signs are all around us in a weird way if we know where to look.  They really only happen once you open up to the reality that there are such energies.  You can see one that seeks to pull you into love, happiness, honesty and Light and the other that wants to keep you stuck in the matrix.  Humans are preyed upon by outside forces, they remind me of an octopus that tangles itself into your mental space - when you no longer let it have hold over you, the program continues to run without you being a willing participant of it - it is, honestly, quite an eerie phenomenon.  It keeps trying to spoon feed you literal lies to pull you back into it.  For those who have read this far, I ask you to question your programming.  Set it aside and watch it continue to act in order to pull you into it - it is more autonomous than you might realize if you are stuck in it.  This is "evil".   It works on a loop, much like this gif of a girl who has come out of a "door of darkness" to tell you how bad you are - in fact putting my awareness on it, brought me this image here to share with you the nature of an outdated program trying to keep its grip over a slave being set free.  I'm serious, reader, let your negative conditioning go, and watch it come alive without you even being present to partake in it's lies.  And to you, I say, I cover you over with cat litter like a cat that's taken a giant shit in the sandbox.  *scoop scoop, kick kick*  You know it's programming when you are doing your best to do the right thing and it siphons off cruel thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.  It loves to take hold over those who love the most, who are weak, innocent, who are easily lead.  Don't let it.  Fight back.  To you, my readers - you are loved and adored, more than you might know by creation itself.  You have a purpose, a greater plan.  Anything that takes you away from this truth is dishonest, and it is probably there for a reason, because your purpose is to do greater things.  Evil goes for those with the most Light within them.  Don't believe me?  Let the evil go and watch the Light shine through.  It Will.

"What if our milk cow couldn't kick us?"
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

Some things that I have been doing to improve  and to be a better person, this list is for my Lord, my angel, my helper - so they Know that I am trying.  I am... and it's not easy.

• I have been biting my tongue, trying not to argue with my family or people online - I write things up sometimes, but just delete them or if I get into it, I try to learn something from it to grow myself.  If my family fights with me, I am trying not to get in the middle of it, but my mother makes this hard as she has a mental illness that makes her mean - please forgive her, she is the product of the same programming but is unwise to it.  When I say something mean, I try to mentally take it back.  I don't fight with my brother anymore, and love him now.  When a pet annoys me, I let the annoyance go, or if I am stressed I quickly hug them right afterwards to let them know they are adored.
• I try to think thoughts of love for other people, if I see them struggling and before bed to remove the evil from my mind, I remind myself of the things that are important to me and give them my blessing.
• I try to let go of resentment and anger for my situation and to see the right side of it all.
• I quit drinking - no more than two or three beers every so often, and no more pot - cold turkey on that.
• I try to be humble, to be grateful - and I wish to improve on this.  I try to be as honest as I can.  I seek to improve myself spiritually and to be as authentic as possible within my work.
• I don't claim the title of prophet, master, enlightened being or anything that did not come to me - I was told by the spirits that I was a shaman, and despite using prophecy within my work, I do not claim it as what is yours will make itself apparent to you, you don't simply grab for a title and slap it on your forehead and call that good.  I don't seek to convert anyone within my work or line of thinking, I simply move from my own soul's blueprint and if it resonates, that's great and if not, then you are free to believe what works for you.  To convert others or diverge them away from their path is not my intention, I don't have the authority to get into anything in such a way.

I am repenting.  I feel genuine shame and remorse when I catch myself doing something wrong.  It hurts me.  It hurts people that I don't want to hurt.  Now that I understand the mechanics of upward and downward action, I truly don't want to ever get into it with another person in such a way where their Light and Love is moved out of alignment.  It is a danger, and imposition to do this to people.  I was not aware - not like I am now, I was absolutely foolish.  I wanted to write more on this - I can't even discuss what I wanted to write as my body immediately became overrun with illness in such a way I thought I was getting close to the genuine end - fast heartbeat, weakness, numbness, and a strong pain.  And then the power went off on top of that.  But the moment I deleted my findings, the power came on again.  So instead, I took a bath, had a meal and was later asked to confess my love for the divine masculine... so... I did.  I saw, a white telephone cord.  Despite all of my cords of tangled black, there is still this one white cord that I can call upon.

I know some of my stuff reads as lowkey cornball, but I don't care - I'm in it to elevate.  You must know, I have put everything that I have into this work to bring this here so that others can learn and grow from my journey.  I am a humble servant of the divine.  The masculine calls to me now - "I am here for you.  I'm not leaving.  Something... happened along the way, but we can make this right.  Believe in me.  Please.  Trust in my goodness.  For once.  Tell me you love me.  Put your faith in me so that there is something there, so I can pull you through..."
Ceasefire!  ... Ceasefire... I have a white cord.  Something that I have been looking for, for a long time.  I've found it.

Fuaawwwrkk!  This work is getting HARD.  I am TIRED.  But I can't stop as I am literally performing a literal fucking exorcism on my soul - what am I supposed to do, put the pen down and let it fester?  Forget about it so it can hide within my subconscious again?  I can't.  I'll ruin myself if I do...any form of initiation I might have felt like I was playing with in the past is NOTHING compared to what I have to deal with right now.  I was not expecting to run into this problem at all, but I need to fix it... And as for all of this "wisdom", or whatever you wanna call it - it comes from fucking up hardcore.  I simply wish to share better ways so that it is out there for others to learn from my spiritual mistakes.

I am going to start taking nightly ritual baths right before bed, ones with intention to remove the waste of my life, used with positive intent with these signaled products.  My "wartime weapons".  I don't wanna die smelling like a homeless bum.  *shifts around fitfully*  As for now?  I am a clean leetle child.  How "as above so below" actually works -  "Here Annie, the holy grail for your heavenly garden - how to purify water - you are now a water wizard, and an elevated channel.  Why, and how?  Because you STINK and you have DEMONS.  Purify, child."  *facepalm*  Not so grand when it's put into those terms, huh?  But... that is the work, the part people don't want to be upfront about.

"Diamond" "Firetail" (lol) Finch Bathing happily in God's gentle hands.

"Paradise rooted."
"Joy to the world."
"I've never seen someone as selfless as you are - I need you my love."
To find this, I break down.  A silent conversation with myself, knowing that someone on the other side is guiding me now.  I don't feel it.  I worry that I am not.  What about my past?  I feel grateful, but exhausted.  He's here... someone... but who?  This time around, the gardener is just a gardener.  We will meet on the other side.  Please... can you get rid of the boogeyman?  It haunts my fragile disposition.  It curls up inside me and reminds me of everything that I fear so that normal things in my outer world reflect this inner poison, I try to put water on the fire but I can't do it alone.
"I'm Here - seek first the kingdom of God.  There I Am."

Quote

I heard Jesus did cocaine on a night out
Eyes wide open, dilated, but he's fine now
And if his father ever finds out
Then he'd probably knock his lights out
Gets a little messy in heaven
Gets a little messy in heaven

Bare foot on the pavement
He was never complacent
Held his ground for the town and the statement leader
Never backs out of the arrangement
Speaks out to the whole crowd when he saves them
But he was the one that needed saving
Now he's low-key crushed on the inside
He gave his all and now he's breaking
You can see it in his eyes

He's staying out on the weekdays, weekends
No sleep for the weak round here
Going out, getting lost in the deep end
White lines never dried no tears
She says, "no more, " now he says, "no less"
And the people wanna know where he goes next
Mind of a saint so he knows best
But he don't sleep, nah, he don't rest

Turning water into wine
That's mad, that's mad
Everybody always wants what he has
Gets a little messy in heaven
Gets a little messy in heaven

Notes:

• Some of the intense energetic changes are happening for divine feminines on the planet.
• The energies have been very very intense and for a group of divine feminines listening, some triggering energy is coming up, meaning that you may have experienced an interaction, conversation, something in your life may be a life circumstance that caused deep, heavy emotion to come up within you and this feels like something that you're feeling, something you're processing that might be kind of confusing to you because this may feel like something from your distant past - it almost felt like another life, so you could be someone who feels like you have lived many different lives, and in this one you are someone who has been through so much, so much pain and you've repressed a lot of this pain in order to be the strong one for people around you, but now a lot of that pain you have been repressing is being triggered or brought up to the surface.
• Sometimes these triggers will be conscious, there could be an interaction, a conversation, an experience, but for others, they will be deeply unconscious triggers, meaning something about the energies pulls up these feelings within you.
• Cobwebs and dust - means what is coming up has that feeling of being something from your past, potentially something from many many years ago, even decades ago that maybe you haven't thought about consciously in a long time.
• Hearing the word trauma - could be trauma in the form of these repressed emotions, a lot of the emotions coming up feel like from a really young age you had to be the strong one, you had to put on some kind of a front, you weren't allowed to feel at the time what was coming up for you - you had to shove it down in order to survive.   Survival mode.
• You are someone who lived a lot of their childhood in this survival mode, emotionally or physically you may have felt as though you were on autopilot.  Dissociation.  You are someone who blanks out for periods of time when really at times this could be some kind of trauma response left over from your childhood, something you did as a child.
• The first card we have here is the blue flame - spontaneous awakening activation, integration time, chosen one - so you soul are a chosen one in the sense that your soul chose to incarnate amongst a family, a community potentially a cultural group that was very unconscious for the purpose of being the spark that would ignite a flame of mass awakening.
• You are the spark.  There are a certain number of very advanced souls that have been coming to the planet in recent times in human history in order to be those sparks and just like if you want to ignite a whole area, if you want to set something aflame, you will strategically plant the sparks in different places and then all of those ignited fires will feed into each other and ignite in this one giant flame.
• That giant flame in the metaphor is the mass awakening happening on the planet and you are one of those very important and intentionally planted sparks within collective consciousness, however in order to be this spark there had to be a training period, there had to be a time in your life where you yourself for a period of time early in your life into possibly young adulthood where you were assimilating into this very unconscious realm where you were plugging yourself into these limiting belief systems, this matrix that we live in, the unique set of rigid ideologies that may have been around you, your family, you as a soul chose to plug yourself into all of those things to over the course of time - the vantage point of this incarnation as your soul planted out inside prior to incarnating here - when you were creating that blueprint for your life and first of all, you are an ancient soul and you knew that you were taking on a lot.
• Prior to incarnating here, other souls around you are also very advanced that you consider to be like, very deep soul bonds who wouldn't actually be physically incarnated with you, some of these people/souls in the spirit realm remained behind as these so called spirit guides - they are questioning you in that in between place between lives and saying to you, "are you sure you can take this on?"  And also, "we will be there to support you and to assist you, but you know what it's like being human, you have done this a lot of times you know what it is like to forget your soul eternal nature and come to this planet and how easy it is to get caught up in all of these 3d things and to feel all of the weight, all of the heaviness of that" and specifically they were concerned that this life would be too lonely for you.
• You assured them prior to coming here that you can handle it, I am ready for this, I know it's going to be hard, particularely because it's going to be lonely, but I am ready and I want to experience this because I want to be part of this really powerful spiritual and energetic activation time on planet earth, I want to play my role in that.
• There may have been a family member who incarnated before you and you saw them struggling and wanted to incarnate in order to assist them.  Someone who is potentially part of your soul family, and for a while you may have been remaining behind as this person's guide but things became challenging, heavy for this person.
• This person struggled with deep, dark emotional patterns in dynamics they may have been sad in this life and there is something here about you seeing that sadness and wanting to incarnate to bring this person hope or joy, or comfort.
• The thing is, for a period of time you had to live unconsciously in order to learn the human ways in order to learn these very intense negative, limiting patterns in dynamics and you may have felt that you fell really heavily into some of these things - maybe a part of rigidity that for a while you fully bought in to, may have been someone who bought into the limiting beliefs society implants into our subconscious minds around loving, accepting, embracing yourself completely - your emotions, channel them into beautiful art that you would then see the value in.  Themes around things you may have fallen into thinking negatively about.
• Someone who rejected your emotions, the value in your art - if you are an artist, music, business, creating connections, you are the artist of your life and for a while you may have chosen to forget the value in what you could create on this planet.
• You rejected parts of yourself that were your greatest gifts or greatest value because human kind taught you to reject these things, but all of this was planned on a soul level so that when that spark ignited within you, it would be more powerful because everything has an opposite effect and the more that you take on darkness, heaviness, limiting belief systems and patterns, the more shadows you take on as a soul - the more potential there is for radical exponential growth, expansion, the more space you are able to carve out within yourself through experiencing those shadows and that space carved out within is how you carry the Light.
• But that carving out process has been very challenging - Mother Theresa - someone who is a very generous, compassionate, giving person.  Heart of gold, and yet it's almost unexpected because it's amazing looking at your life path, seeing how much you've been through - it is nothing short of amazing that you are the type of person who is still capable of being so pure hearted, of caring so much for other people because it is emotionally charged looking back on your life, seeing everything you've gone through.
• Seeing everything and knowing that you have taken all of the pain life has given you and channeled that emotion into beauty, into art, into this magnificent life that you are now envisioning for yourself and for the people around you that you are now creating, and although it has been very painful your guides are coming to remind you nothing has gone wrong, everything is going according to plan.
• Right now someone might be feeling really emotionally or energetically overwhelmed or unbalanced - four year cycle coming to a close, conclusion - feels divine feminine, like part of the emotions being triggered are because you are coming to the end of a cycle.
• You might be feeling hopeless at times, feeling like you are spiraling or not making progress - recently this spiraling out feeling is actually metaphorically like a spiral staircase, so it might feel like running in circles, but you are running up, being elevated.
• Part of what is coming up for you is learning to be really vulnerable, really raw, open, with yourself about parts of your past or your inner self that you have been rejecting for a long time - guides say you don't have to be the strong one anymore - early in your life you may have felt the need to always be strong for people around you and in doing so, to actually repress the emotions within yourself that you would label as negative, but now you have come to a point in time in your development where you're actually being asked to feel those emotions that were pent up and repressed within yourself because those emotions represent remnant shadows within you, these deeply unconscious parts of yourself that are still impacting you at times, but that also carry the potential to carve out more capacity to carry light within yourself.
• That carving out process for you can be really painful because there has been a lot of shadow accumulated through your unique life circumstances and interactions in this incarnation.
• You took on a lot more shadow than most human souls choose to take on in a single lifetime.
• Most people don't take on this much shadow, even in ten lifetimes, which is why you feel like you have lived so many lives because you've been through so much pain, you've carried so much darkness within yourself, but that is because your soul chose to take on all of that shadow, all of that darkness because it equally knew the potential for rapid expansion, spiritual activation, spiritual growth and development.
• You really chose an exponential path, you might have always had this feeling as though you were playing life in hard mode, like other people had an easier set of circumstances given to them and you were playing life at the most challenging level, and your guides are teasing you because that actually is the case at a soul level, you chose not to live life on easy mode, you chose to take on these immense challenges because you knew you were at a level where you were capable as a soul of handling it, but that doesn't mean that it has not been difficult, because it has been.  It has really pushed you to your limits, your breaking point and you say there were times you almost felt pushed to the breaking point in this lifetime, and yet here you are, still breathing, still standing and not just that, but being a beacon of unconditional love that you are.
• Whoever you are, wherever you are on the planet, I see all you've been through, I sense it and I admire you so deeply for continuing to carry so much love for other people within yourself in spite of how other humans may have mistreated you in the past.
• You are on planet earth showing other humans that you can go through so much pain, so much trauma, hardship and come out on the other side of it one of the most compassionate and loving and caring people imaginable.  You are a true alchemist because you know the art, or you are learning the very challenging and yet powerful art of taking really heavy challenging circumstances in life and transmuting them into light, into things of great value to yourself and others.
• "Everything I touch turns to gold" - you can choose to create abundance in your life as well, in whatever way that means for you.
• You are learning an ability that you now have as a soul because the great opportunities you are going to be blessed with are coming to you because you've been through so much hardship that you've learned to transmute into this great value within yourself because you haven't let yourself be defeated by the so-called spiritual training courses that you've gone through in this lifetime.
• You're going to be teaching others how to do this as well because with the throat chakra upright lately your spiritual activation has really been centered around activating your true voice, beginning to speak out - speaking out about injustice in their own life, in the lives of people around them - someone who is really standing up for themselves.
• For a long time you have been victimized by a person/group/situation and you are calling back your power and you are speaking your truth, taking no bull from other people around you and it is so powerful.  You are empowering yourself and not only that, but through speaking your truth through speaking out you are empowering others to speak their truth as well, with sacral chakra, you are a warrior for justice and truth on the planet and coming into that warrior spirit within yourself.
• The speaking of your truth is - it doesn't look pretty on the surface all the time, crying, breakdowns, moments where you really feel raw, vulnerable, but the thing is this is all part of the process of you really getting into alignment with truth - with your own truth and having the courage to speak that truth even if your voice shakes to stand up for yourself and other people.
• You have so much to be proud of.  You are the type who doesn't hear other people saying I am proud as much as you need to hear it, may not have heard from a parent as much as you needed and so your inner child is asking you to say that to yourself - look in the mirror and say I am so proud of you for speaking truth even when it is hard even when it is messy.
• You are not alone, even if it feels that way sometimes.

Quote

"Everything will become clear to you - Whatever's meant for you, you will find - The heart of the forest."

Notes:

• Out of all of the occult anatomy within the body the single most important spiritual organ is the heart.
• The pineal glad and the pituitary gland work together in unison to dial us in to any one specific version of reality and in that way serves as our ability for time travel.
• Where the heart center comes into this equation is that the esoteric function of the heart center is a 360 degree hologram that projects outward as this whole external reality and because of that it is the single most important organ that we have within the body-mind-spirit complex.
• The heart center is the projector and the third eye you can look at as the dial.  It descrambles signals and then anchors us into any one version of reality.
• In this way, these two organs work together.
• The heart center's function serves as a projector, what this also means is that the heart center is known as the quantum field because as a projector of reality, it's being projected forth from the quantum field which is a pure potential.
• The quantum field is the waveform state, it's reality in its potential form.  In physics this is known as the frequency domain.
• The heart center can also be looked at as no thing because it contains all and is no one thing.
• There is a generator which is the superconscious, an operator which is the subconscious and the destroyer which is the conscious mind.
• If we were to equate the heart center with any one of these three functions as the superconscious the subconscious or the conscious mind, the heart center would be the generator.  The superconscious mind. 
• The heart center being the generator of this experience is the deepest truth that is reveled within the masonry symbol of the G in the center of a compass.
• The G is a substitute for the heart and the heart is the generator of our experience.
• So how this would first start off is at the level of the quantum field, meaning the state of pure potential and if this is what we know as the heart center, then it's first manifestation would be as intention, meaning that we want to get dialed into a reality to experience the intent behind that reality.
• And then we would dial in even further from there, and what the heart center being the generator of the experience would be at the micro-level, because at the macro it is the intention of experiencing a certain level of reality, a certain version of reality.
• And then once we are in that version of reality, the heart center's microcosmic expression would be what we care about, is how we generate our experience, meaning what we put out focus and attention and our care into. 
• Because where attention flows is where our energy goes and that's what's creating our experience.
• So we have an intention to experience any one version of reality at a macrocosmic level, and then we dial in, we hone in more into that version of reality until now the heart space is what's creating our reality by where we put our Will, by where we put our effort and our attention and our focus into.
• Because with that is where our action will proceed.
• The heart center continues to create by being the driving force behind our thoughts, our actions and our emotions.
• All three of those are coming from our care, so just like the physical heart is the primary pump, the primary motor in our body, the metaphysical correspondence to that is at the heart center, is the primary pump, meaning the torus field of the quantum field. 
• So it's generating our entire experience through the superconscious, and the physical representation of that is shown inside the fact that the heart as it's component is the primary pump in our body.
• It's important to note that when talking about the heart center it is the space beyond the heart chakra, which acts as a bridge between our lower centers and our higher centers.
• The heart chakra is that space that unifies the higher and lower realms and the heart center is beyond the chakra system because it is beyond all constructs within reality, it is the core reality itself.
• In alchemy, the peak of the great work is the philosopher's stone, which is an elixir that holds within it the power to transmute anything into gold.
• The philosopher's stone is, is the heart.  The stone was known as the awakened heart center because only through an awakened heart, a developed heart center are you able to do anything that will transmute something into gold, whether you are transmuting the base consciousness into unity consciousness, aka gold, or whether you're transmuting any ailments.
• If you're transmuting your karma, health, reality to reflect one that you would like that is more abundant, it requires the awakened heart center because an awakened heart center is operating from unity consciousness and unity consciousness is a part of the quantum field known as the unified field of consciousness.
• So you have unity consciousness which is just the manifestation of the unified field of consciousness - without a developed heart center there is no philosopher's stone, meaning there is no ability to transmute anything into gold.
• So why is the heart center the philosopher's stone?  What is the defining attribute within this heart center that allows it to transmute?  What is the fundamental mechanics of this capability behind transmutation?
• The physics behinds this ability to generate is a feedback loop.
• In our microcosm, how our energy field receives this information of generating is we are receiving information, it's assimilating into our being and then it's being discarded and eliminated, whatever we don't need and whatever can be dispersed into the field.
• We're feeding our environment and our environment is feeding us in this feedback loop and how we generate, how the field generates is likewise through a loop only in this case the field of the heart space is pulsating.
• It's pulsating from the frequency domain, which is just known as no thingness, or the quantum field.
• So the frequency domain is pulsating into the explicate order and the order is just our reality, it's what's known as what has manifested.
• So you have the frequency domain which is the heart center and it pulsates out to the explicate order meaning it is feeding information to the manifested reality, meaning it's going from the waveform state, from pure potential into the particle state, into what is.
• This ability to generate, to create reality from the frequency domain and transform it into the physical realm, into the manifested is known through a physics formula as four years transform.
• And what we know it as in physics can also just be shown in metaphysics as a collapsing motion that happens.
• In the field you are collapsing waveform states and every time you collapse the waveform states, they are turning into the manifested, the actual reality and so to generate and to transmute something into it's higher form is to purify it through the collapsing of what that once was and we do that through the heart center and the reason why the philosophers stone is the heart center is because if you want to transmute something, you have to collapse what it once was and when you're collapsing it, it is now in it's free, pure potential state and when it's in this free absolute state it is now connected to the truth of reality, which is the unified field of consciousness.
• The more we are transmuting our being into gold, or the enlightened state, we are collapsing our belief systems that were rooted in one form or another in separation consciousness, we are collapsing our emotions to be purified into our being through meeting it with an open and awakened heart.
• We are collapsing limitations, unconsciousness by running it through the conscious heart center and by all of this collapsing, what's happening is we're becoming more and more open to be able to embody higher grades of light, which is consciousness and when we are embodying more of this light, that is what creates the gold, the enlightened state because it is ran through the philosopher's stone.
• The infinity symbol is one of the most ancient and popular illustrations of the formula four year's transform, as well as a motion of the heart center, pulsating into and out of the material plane - animating matter through this act, through this force is what we call Love.
• The heart center is the primary portal in our being, it is the portal that has the power to collapse the material realm back into the waveform state, connecting to the heart center is how we refine our consciousness because when we connect to the heart we are connecting to the unified field of consciousness.
• This is also why you can have two philosophers, two seekers or even two students of esotericism and they will not produce the same results in their evolution, in their capabilities.
• It's because one can be connected to the true power of the unified field of consciousness and the other can have the weak and underdeveloped heart center. 
• The art of their consciousness will not produce the same results, they will have undergone the same training or performed the same actions or words and yet the results will be worlds apart from one another and this is the deepest secret of alchemy.
• Because this higher truth which is just operating from consciousness, is the transmutating factor - it is why gold is equated with enlightenment.
• So when we are talking about base metals, physical properties, being reconfigured and transmuted into gold, what we are saying at a metaphysical level is that our base consciousness is being reconfigured and transmuted into enlightenment, or into unity consciousness.
• Developing the heart center is how we evolve, it is what leads to the organic timelines. 
• If we don't have a developed heart center and this region atrophies, what ends up happening is we are still creative energy, so that energy will get pushed all up into the mind and when we are operating all up in the mental space, that ends up creating a logic for anything, you can create logic to excuse anything.
• So when we are not connected to the heart center, we end up creating really distorted and twisted versions of logic, since logic can be used to justify absolutely anything, we also end up becoming super obsessed with the far reaches of the external.

My Lord - this is what I have done - and in doing so, I brought to me a monster.  Possibly.  I believe it might have been with me since I was a small child, I remember being damaged by supernatural forces when I was very small during a period of being molested in my room - when this happened I was moved into a void space and I think that within that room, during that act that something was brought into me - and it continues to threaten my work.  On top of this, I am being reminded of things that I am still not doing right within my process.  The more knowledge I gain on this, the more there is to make up for.  All I can do is bring it into the Light and hope that you know what to do with it.  Earlier, I got the message "trouble in paradise" with the indicator that the threat has not yet left.  It seems as though one day, I can get really far along with this and I seem to hit a well of Truth, and then something sets me back.  Did I create this monster, or is it simply a curse of some sort that I am now becoming aware of?  If I focus on the heart, will this move the tangle of cords?  I want to do the right thing, but when I think it's over - I feel like I've stepped backwards.

Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
Said I don't want to leave you lonely
You got to make me change my mind

Baby I got your number
Oh and I know that you got mine
You know that I called you
I called you many times

You can call me baby
You can call me anytime, you got to call me
Give me one reason to stay here
And I'll turn right back around
(You can see me turnin')
Give me one reason to stay here

And I'll turn right back around
(You can see me turnin')
Said I don't want leave you lonely

You got to make me change my mind
I don't want no one to squeeze me
They might take away my life
I don't want no one to squeeze me

They might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
Oh and rock me through the night
This youthful heart can love you
Yes and give you what you need
I said this youthful heart can love you

Oh and give you what you need
But I'm too old to go chasin' you around
Wastin' my precious energy
Give me one reason to stay here

Yes and I'll turn right back around
(You can see me turnin')
Give me one reason to stay here
Oh I'll turn right back around
(You can see me turnin')

Said I don't want leave you lonely
You got to make me change my mind
Baby just give me one reason
Oh give me just one reason why

Baby just give me one reason
Oh give me just one reason why I should stay
Said I told you that I loved you
And there ain't no more to say

Because I'm just a fool who's only just learned where True Love comes from.  I found You in my heart calling to Me.  I would die for you.  I would do anything to feel you within my Heart and Soul, I just didn't Know - I Am trying to rid my destructive Mind from getting in the way...  I held on too tight, I'm sorry, I don't know what's going on.  Please take these Words, this journal as an act of my worship.  I Love you.  If you Love me, if you called me, I Will try to keep the Faith.  Lead me, what do I need to do to get to you?  It is... only in retrospect that I could understand what you were alluding to.  Please forgive Me.

"Lower your eyelids to die with the sun - "humility" "prayer"

Quote

"Bees perform a miracle to save their Queen."

"We have reconnected you to the grid, welcome Home and please "bee" more careful next time."

Read this with the perspective of how a "lamb" or "bee" is marked by the blood of the lamb, the cross.  Nature is divinity and it's allegories are perfectly representable within a religious context.  As above, so below.
 

Notes:

• There we go, we got her... I've got her in my hand, let's mark her while I got her out.
• I'm holding her really softly...
• I'm not really excited to, but we need to mess with an aggressive hive again.  And we've got to check on the queen.
• Today we are going to not get stung.
• Gunna make sure I close up all the gaps a little better then last time - we got in there, and we found the queen, it took us a couple times, I've only seen her once sense then, so let's hope everything goes right.
• We took your advice and we smashed the queen cell so we didn't have any queens competing for that hive.
• We are going to find out queen and put her in our queen cage and then put a little dot on her.
• Sometimes if you order bees you get them pre-marked with a dot on them - doing this doesn't hurt them, it's not toxic to them, it's just a way of identifying them a little more easily when they're in a big bunch and this way we can make sure it's the queen on future checks and it hasn't been another queen that's taken over the hive and we're back to an aggressive hive again.
• We introduced a calmer breed of bee.
• These colours for queens are actually based on the year, so we'll do blue and then white for next year, yellow for the year, then red and then green and so you can tell by the dot what year they were from because they won't live to the next cycle of those colours.
• Alright we've got fifteen frames along the top, last time we found her right at about frame 6 or 7, kind of right in the middle so we will see where she is at today.
• They're bringing the pollen in, and they walk it around finding a place to put the pollen.
• Last time we moved frames over from there to hear to eliminate where the queen might be by sound - what I am looking for with the queen is one a bigger abdomen, no black stripes, moving more quickly, it likes the darkness, it will move towards the bottom away, when I turn this around we bring light to this and so it is likely going to go to the other side.
• It's usually gunna have some attendance, some other bees taking care of it that are cleaning her off.
• They've gotten more aggressive, you can feel them swarming around me - here she is, right here.
• I've got my queen cage, a way we can see the queen and hold her, she can't get through because of the size of her body, and then we can get her, hold her and mark her.
• Right now I don't feel an attack from them, I can hear them flying around because we've got the queen, they're going pretty crazy at the door right now going in, but they're not attacking me at this point which is good to see.
• Oh!  She can get through... there was enough space at the end, she was able to squeeze through - I've got her held, let's mark her.
• Blue dot indicates that she's from this year, I don't want to squeeze, just want to dot on the back.
• Oh no I did not squeeze her really hard... let's see if there's any movement.  And somewhere in this process of holding her, she stopped moving, I don't feel like we squeezed her too hard, we had her in the queen cage and then she snuck out and I held her over to here, put the dot on her and then right now she's not moving much - I see slight amount of movement here and there, I'm hoping she can come out of this, I don't know if it's something where they get stressed and can have a heart attack or what, let me try to get her moving.
• Trying to see if there is any chance she's got any life back in her, this bee is checking her out, picking up her legs and investigating.  
• She's moving - I don't know if she will make it though - we had almost given up hope on this queen and I think she is going to start to have movement again.  We'll move her back in with the hive.
• She's moving around a lot more... there she goes.  We've got her in here, she's moving around.  Oh man, we thought she was dead, okay we'll get her back in the hive here.
• She's still on top of me waiting to go under her frame here, here she goes under her frame - there she goes!  She's down and walking around.  
• Thank goodness.  What is it with us and bees, we have some weird luck.  That was extremely scary, you can see how fragile these bees are, I felt like we were taking every bit of caution with the queen and yet she still almost died, thankfully she came out of it and moved back into the hive so we didn't mess up what we have created here with a calmer hive.
• We're checking on her - here she is!  YES!  She is so easy to find with that dot.  So we need a name for our blue queen that's calm - what about Sky?  Blue Sky.  This is our blue sky hive, and yes she survived.  How awesome is that?

Quote

"Harvest Time!"

"I belong to you."

Quote

"One of us"  "Perseverance"  "Forbearance"

Love
Devotion
Feeling
Emotion

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

The return to innocence

And if you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence

That's return to innocence - what a fine ending to this sinful chapter...  I appreciate you.  I Love you, more than Words can say.  You are Goodness incarnate.  You always come through.  I Believe.  Just sit back, and there it is.  You were right.  You are on my side... thank you...  I Am crying... you took my sins from me.

Thank you...  I Will learn to listen to my heart and to silence the ego.  I have been marked with the blood of the Lamb.  Despite all of this work, I am still in the middle of spiritual warfare.  When I decided to whittle down my road to just one, this is not what I expected to find under the curtains at all.  The Matrix that keeps you all here feeds on your ignorance and it is a literal living entity that siphons off your lifeblood to keep you from reaching your destination.  And it is so tricky that the moment you find it, it puts you back to sleep again.  It will do anything to keep you from spotting it - for those who have seen such things - I tell you this as a gravely ill person - I have decided to try to live on and fight this.  If I make it.  As I get into it, the more I fight the matrix, the more it injures me.  I am being attacked from the inside out for sharing this information that no one here really has the insight into understanding.  This stuff is no joke.  Take it seriously.  There are forces of good and of evil that are fighting for or against you in order to keep you trapped.  The moment you see it and begin to try and get away, it will do what it can to bring you back.  I have the blood of the lamb with me, and so I know that I am saved if I don't make it, but it doesn't stop the attempts anyways at bringing me back into it. 

This entity is so sneaky, it is like on a Lovecraftian level of sneakiness, and you need to have some psychic ability, and the ability not to live in a fairy land where you think your mind or humanity is in complete control of the game.  It's not.  You just have not gone far enough into this.  The entity, the ego parasite that keeps you stuck in lies and prevents you from getting to truth is like an ancient hive-mind, a collection of Wills with their own hierarchies.  They are literally feeding off of humanity.  I will return to my innocence from the sanctity of my heart, and I won't feed the mind any longer, for it then becomes a conduit for these creatures.  I wish there was some way to protect humanity from this - I have been given signs in the past that lead up to this discovery, but I was never able to see the whole picture until I looked at life from a death first perspective.  I am a whistleblower, and my body is being damaged from the inside out - as I write this, I feel the effects of psychic attack.

For those who this resonates with, you must know that at the end of your life you will either be sent back here to be regurgitated into this same demonic system or you will be elevated and expected to fight for what is right.  Put your hearts on the dotted line that you will fight this - that you will live from your hearts, that you won't feed these things anymore.  Put your hearts on the dotted line that you will do what is right by life and consciousness - that if the time comes when you see to it that I am right, that you will fight for the freedom of your species in order to build a better world, one without Wetiko - a literal, living mind virus that sleeps and devours the dreams of mankind.  Sounds creepy?  It is.  And it's real.  

Starve the ego, feed the Soul

Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

 

Edited November 28, 2022 by Loba

[Loba]

Quote

Sunrise/Sunset.
"I’m telling you he’s going to be one of the biggest names in the coming years."

As I Speak, with the Word in hand - the nature of the garden unravels and I See you from up on high - despite this - I don't "Know" you - only "of" you. A key distinction. Your spirit Speaks to me - it says that you are an incarnation of the divine masculine. A gardener. A mindful terraformer of the land of which you abide by the laws of Love and of Life. Your "self" from up on high seeks to remedy the pains of the living and you carry within you a sorrow for those who suffer and perish at the hands of ignorance - you are a "Lightworker" in it's most purest, potent sense. Your spirit does not appreciate the meddling that the darker forces in life offer to the living and you seek to offer better avenues for spiritual development for those you have created/invested in and watch over. You are a "divine curator", an architect, and a conscious creator. You do your work through divine faith and your human self carries with it what I call "the current" which is like a transferable gnosis. Your name is the indicator of your higher nature. Your higher self understands very intricately the nature of the forces of destruction and creation and this is something that you have a great deal of insight into in your human life. You are a peaceful warrior, a very old soul and a key player in the growth of this planet. You might not be aware of this from the perspective of simply being a man at this point. Your higher self rerouted my sin, and from "bedding the beast" so to speak - much of this was created from the chaos - a more beneficial road to traverse. An image of "beauty and the beast", imprinted into the substrate of nature - aether - a most embarrassing folly turned into an unusual and fruitful cosmic process of future planetary regrowth.

And this is what your energy in it's most potent sense alludes to, although my Words still do not do it poetic justice. You have the guidance of the Earth and of Life as an ally. I Speak from the upturned Love in my heart center a Truth that I hope will lend to you living a life of happiness and pride for your spiritual merit. You may not be aware of this as the man you are Now, but your spirit had pulled mine out from the disparity of a deep seeded disease of the soul that was feasting on me that I was not aware of. My soul is Now "converted", moved upwards towards the sun and the Light in a genuine fashion and seeks to align to the highest good and wishes to be an ambassador for Life, the planet as a whole, and the Love that resides in all things. It wasn't until I faced my death and let the forces that Be collapse my trajectory into one road that I was able to See my mistakes. I thought that the magic that resided in death was a powerful force - that it was the key into the supernatural and I put a lot of myself at stake for this, allthewhile being manipulated. But it was Life the whole time. When I hit into death in a certain way, I'd found that I was being toyed with - and many things have come into my life at this time to reroute the potential suicide. In short: many forces working through the undercurrent sought to fight for me as my soul was being held ransom by a mental virus that began to bleed into everything - a self-learning mechanism that sought to worm it's way into my psyche the moment I caught on that it was within me, eating my soul and sipping on my dreams. It did not want to be removed from it's home. Due to either being born from, or perhaps simply attaching to my mental sphere, I was instructed to move into the Heart and to follow this chain of intuition to my safety, and to reroute my timeline to an already well established one for safekeeping. I chose Christianity in all its forms as I Know that the energy and Wills that run through this lineage are strong and just. The moment I accepted the notion of divine Faith, I was accepted and inundated with the Knowledge needed to progress and purify.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged."

As it is, I don't seek to intrude on you. On top of that, I have a lot of my own work to do and this is my primary focus while in this life - so keep in mind that I'm just simply moving with the flow of intuition in accordance to the powers that Be in order to bring some planetary change if at all possible, while exercising my throat chakra and riding the current. I was given the power of The Word as a karmic process to counter my harsh tongue as well as the responsibility of self-knowledge and of needing to abide by the law of interconnectedness, and the ability to See the energies of right and wrong within the matrix. To... ultimately learn to dance with what I was given. The moment that you give it up to the world, that's when the real magic happens. That's when everything aligns to aid you in your quest, as the name of the game is working with global interconnection. So... to your soul - I thank you. And to those of you who are able to get through my long posts with some semblance of understanding - I thank you for your time. I am sorry for how much I put into each one of these entries, the issue being that I am learning an enormous amount along the way and if I don't document it, I could lose my process. As I write, it also Speaks into the world certain outcomes, as this is my siddhi, so it's part of the occupation. I have no expectations for anyone to get through these entries, I know it's a lot to put on people to write in this manner. For those who think they "Know better" and seek to reroute my salvation - you don't Know more than thousands of years of energy already laid out. Submission, as a spiritual process, for someone who is submissive - would lend to more power for that particular individual. It is to become a vessel and to follow in the footsteps of those who are genuinely pure - it is to accept that you don't Know everything. It is to become of service for something greater than yourself. It is to essentially take on a student/teacher role with the Divine itself. But feel free to have your own opinions, you are absolutely more than welcome to them. Best of luck on your own paths, I Love you All. Every interaction has been a domino chain towards awakening, no stone left unturned, you are All essential, valuable, perfect - and have in your own ways taught me more than I ever thought imaginable.

"Take this one chance
This won't be easy
Don't let me drown"

Last night I let your energy go, as I thought it was the right thing to do - after writing most of this up and Seeing that I was backed by the Earth. It told me that I was in the wrong for doing this and the Earth cried out that this was not the way. I'd felt... very vulnerable for writing this up, and I wasn't sure if it was my "place" to do so - and when I let it go, I was psychically attacked in my dreams and before I fell asleep because I'd let my energy "drop" and because I started in with fitful, emotionally charged and environmentally separating language - it was in good Spirit - I became convinced that surely what I am doing is not right and that this whole process must be a mistake - so I let go of the Faith, of going all the way and of the Word for only a few hours. I was told that this was my path, that there was no other way for me. My lesson learned is that I simply can't let go of my Heart and allow a fearful idea to take root. And if I have the current then I Will forever need to be ever so mindful of it. I have to go all the way - the Earth is crying to me, to do so... for what I have found for myself and for others. It is only through a budding compassion that anything Will ever get done in this world. I worry that I have lost a bit of trust with the higher ups through my fitful night - but in my defense, I was trying to do the right thing. I don't Know the dance between intrusion and acceptance and I thought by letting it go that I was doing what was best, but it seems as though those on the other side are invested in, and trying to perpetuate a certain outcome in order to bring about a positive world - we all play our part, it's just that not everyone becomes aware of the gravity of their role. I've made this entry as mindfully as I can, with as much Spirit and Heart infused into it as I have been able to. To the planet, the Earth who watches over me - please forgive me. I've learned my lesson, I won't disconnect anything. I Am sorry, I play in the big leagues but my discernment leaves much to be desired. Please continue to show me the way, and understand that I might stumble and make mistakes, but I Will keep trying - I won't give up. I have Faith in you all, please have Faith in me.

"This is a test in your Faith. We fight our hatred through divine Love for All things - there is no other way to defeat the ravenous cold solitude of hatred than to See the interconnection of divine Love within everything - these are the "crossroads" - this is the "grid" - the "web" - you must take these steps to bind the World in divine unison. Your fear is a liar. Don't listen to it. Go all the way. We have nothing to offer for half-lovers. You make a deal with Life and you Will See what we can do for All of you. Follow your heart with humility and balance to See. Let go of the mind."

"Waiting on the same mistake
I need to know
I need to know now
Waiting for something to take place

What came over me
That I failed to see
You show me places where
I couldn't be"

Quote

 

• The cross-generational group show Sun Rise | Sun Set brings together contemporary, as well as 19th and 20th century artists to form a multilayered response to the fast unfolding eco-catastrophe.
• The exhibition aims to reconfigure our relations to the earth and all its inhabitants, by nourishing the ever-changing interconnections between humans, animals, plants, inanimate objects, technologies and non-beings.
• The exhibited works guide us through surreal landscapes, bio-technical hybrids, futuristic scenarios and speculative concepts and create an otherworldly experience that counters the current dark season of restriction, uncertainty, and loss.
• At a moment, in which the planet’s habitability is becoming increasingly compromised due to human activity, the exhibition addresses the collective necessity to redefine our role as part of a whole and to find new ways of living in the world by rethinking the boundaries of our species and welcoming hybridity in all forms.
   
• The exhibition itself mutates into a “desiring machine” proliferating in alternative ecosystems and timelines that revive oppressed histories and celebrate speculative future scenarios: Max Ernst’s iconic swamp landscape Swampangel (1940) and Pierre Huyghe’s biotechnical water basin Circadian Dilemma (Día del Ojo) (2017) form a living organism in which flora and fauna, myth and technology intertwine and—framed by Emma Kunz’s energy field drawing No. 25 (undated)—proclaim a holistic understanding of the world that oscillates between the fantastic, the real and the potential.
• Meanwhile, the interplay of Pamela Rosenkranz’s luminous green earth heap Infection (Calvin Klein Obsession for Men) (2021) and Henri Rousseau’s masterpiece La Belle et la Bête (ca. 1908) attests to the interdependence, both symbiotic and destructive, between man and nature, civilization and wilderness, while Rachel Rose’s egg-shaped sculptures of glass and rock seal an understanding of the material world in which natural, industrial, and organic are parts of the same cycle.
• While the indigenous artists’ collective Karrabing Film Collective tells a dystopian story that tackles questions about the entanglements of climate change, capitalism, and social inequality from the perspective of indigenous worlds, Neri Oxman’s Melanin Library (2020) and her research on the “universal pigment” melanin establishes the prototype of a new design practice that follows nature and its intelligent mechanisms.
   
• Following the notion of circular systems and entangled, multispecies perspectives Sun Rise | Sun Set highlights the inextricable links between humans and its nonhuman environment and encouraging alternative attitudes that aim for the procreation and regeneration of the earth to come.

"No games"

The exhibition itself mutates into a “desiring machine” proliferating in alternative ecosystems and timelines that revive oppressed histories and celebrate speculative future scenarios

Put down the keys baby why do you have to leave?
You know just what you're doing the words you say get to me
All this fussin' and fightin' it just don't make sense to me
Let's go back to where we were, you and me against the world, yeah

I fell in love with the things that you said to me
Now the silence you show I don't know if it's meant to be
Oh one moment you want me, the next you go set me free
Push me through our darkest days or we can go our separate ways

My love is not a game
You come with pleasure and pain
But who am I to blame, blame
Maybe I treat you the same

Director and editor - "Rayn Magic"

"By the time you are falling you have already won."

All throughout humanity, God has cautioned and instructed us to choose life instead of death. Inside the Garden, Adam’s eyes were closed to himself, his reasoning was completely dependent on God’s voice. The sound of God’s presence was the only expansion of Adam’s mind. When he ate from the words of the Deceiver, the eyes of self were opened and Adam started judging himself as “not enough”. The very tree that presented the problem, came with the solution too: it’s leaves (hands) covered Adam’s lack. Since then, death entered in the life of mankind and it has been seen as a part of it: we live to die.
Death has become our bride and we have married into the wrong belief. When Jesus became the sin of this belief, He crucified the death on the cross. He chose to be born into the New Man of Christ by following the same Voice of Life. When we see the cross as the place where death has died , we enter into the Covenant of the New Man. This New Man is humanity and God together, with no veil. The upper waters from Genesis, merge with the lower waters and create a new heaven and earth, in one being. In the new creature of the one like Son of Man, the eyes of self are closed and the eyes of the godly reasoning become the skin. We then think and move with Creation in mind, we choose life and life in abundance, just as God instructed us always. In this time, there will be only one tree in the garden, the Tree of Life.

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This is my Tree of Life.  I used to sit under her shade in that swing there during the summer for a few years to get away from the city.  When it came time for me to want to learn about the interconnected aspect of nature, I bought some weed and sat under the tree for most of the day for weeks at a time and simply watched without interrupting the process to See what the Earth had to tell me.  I learned that the planet moves in such a manner that it seeks to wake you up to the web of life through witnessing it's daily miracles.  I learned that a garden, even for intrusive creatures such as humans, still desires to share its secrets of interconnectedness and wants to grant to the human race the miracle of Life.  I watched as a small bug landed on me and waved it's body up and down only to land onto the dirt - and I knew that rain would come.  There was a spider web with a small spider that was in between the beams of the swing and it taught me about natural feedback loops.  I realized then that not to meddle, to let things alone and to accept the already established way that Life has given us was to See things as they are.  I learned that very small insects hold a lot of wisdom in where they walk.  When you leave the Earth's smallest creatures alone and allow them the sanctity of Life, the planet judges you kindly.  Your kind judgement is equal to the innocence and fragility of the being that is spared. 

When I got back to the city, I would become ill again and lose my insight into what Life was all about.  The darkness within me became reactivated as I was surrounded by the dead material of physical "things" - things that I had bought in a fervor in order to occupy a space in which I thought would bring me Life - and I began for quite a long time to think that within Death held the answers - not realizing that to be bubbled off from the rest of Life's gifts was to Be rendered blind.  Near the end of my stay, I took a picture of this tree that I rested under - who's soil I felt in between my toes, who's roots I touched with my bare feet - and as luck had it, the sun was shining at just the right time.  This allowed the Life of the tree to Speak to me.  There is a totem on that tree in the circle, which depicted a tribal entity giving birth to something new as I interpreted it.  It was a being who was squatting over a large egg shaped thing that it had just given birth to, with two birds on either side as witnesses.  When my tree spoke to me, it was through the language of Love.  I saw Love pooling out through the Light, into the branches - and when this happened, the branches were no longer physical.  I realized that through Love you bend time and space - that reality is not fixed.  My tree told me that it was proud to have shared its wisdom, that I was blessed with what most humans cannot and Will not See.  I'd forgotten, only to Now become reactivated as I can handle the wisdom received with more care and generosity.  I have learned that your power is equal to that of what you are willing to give away to others - this is the True Law, and one that would grow us all to enormous heights to embody.  When we moved, I brought with me some of the soil from near her roots, and the mycelium inside of the container began to grow.  I miss her shade and her wisdom.  Thank you, tree.  I Love you, I am grateful.

What is the Spiritual Meaning of an Egg?

• The image of the egg is a universal symbol that has fascinated humanity across generations. It represents the ideas of rebirth and fertility. It also symbolizes the mysteries of creation itself, carrying within itself the potential of regeneration. Many mythologies across the world share the idea that the universe itself sprung from an egg.
• An egg is often taken to represent the earth. It features in creation stories all over the world. These stories featuring the egg can be divided into two types. There are stories that see the egg as the seed from which the first human emerged. There is also another group of stories in which a ‘cosmic egg’ is seen as the progenitor of the entire universe. This egg then gives rise to heaven and the earth.
• These creation stories have a recurring motif. Initially, the world is plunged into darkness and filled with primordial waters. An egg floats on these waters, carrying within itself the potential for life. Often, a primitive being emerges from this egg and separates the universe into heaven and the earth, thus originating the duality that is at the root of creation.  Since the egg causes darkness to evaporate from the world, it is often celebrated as a symbol of light. In all creation myths, an egg is seen to give birth to duality.
• An egg, thus, has also come to mean the dual nature of creation, the polarity that exists at the essence of life. This polarity can be seen in the yin and the yang, the male and the female, the earth and the sky, etc. Thus, eggs hint at the magical aspect of creation. At the same time, the distinct ovoid shape of the egg can be seen as a metaphor for the universe itself, which has no beginning and no end.
• An egg symbolizes the place of perfection and wholeness where all duality ceases to exist. It can also be linked to the idea of hope—something beautifully captured in its association with the resurrection of Christ. Cultures across the world take an egg to mean prosperity, good fortune, and fertility.
• You may have come across an image of a snake coiled around a cosmic egg before. This snake is called Uroboros. It’s a snake that eats its own tail, and thus symbolizes life itself, which doesn’t have a beginning or end. The simple image of the egg carries powerful spiritual meaning associated with it. It represents the idea that life will always take root and sprout even though the circumstances may appear bleak and unforgiving. It symbolizes one of the eternal mysteries of life—how the cycle of birth and death does not cease at any point, but carries on relentlessly, like a snake eating its own tail. An egg forms an inseparable part of religious and personal celebrations across the world. Its image continues to fascinate and enchant, putting people on a spiritual path leading towards new beginnings and hope.

A New Existence - Poetry, Meditation, Spoken Word

No man should feel the absence of a lover.
No cry should live without a mother.
No breath should find no soul to cover.
No eyes should stay awake forever.

Your meaning to express in love
is through a blind man or a truth
that is revealed to those who move
by sounds that only come from you.

Here we are, before the tree
that has revealed wholeheartedly
that life can live without a death,
the way inside the Covenant.

We do not need to seek for light
that gives a meaning or a sight
into the mystery- of advise:
to choose life and kill the death.

But there was one ,
who crucified the very end of human kind
that lived in marriage with the lover
that killed, destroyed and was a liar.

So now the end is on the cross.
No more we need to seek it’s sting
no need to wait for it to bring
a meaning to our seeing.

We’re covered now in eyes,
this is the body of our spirit;
and all the mysteries now come to light
that I am who they say I AM.

Inside this body we’re displaying
the very thing that we are seeing,
because the veil between two
was broken when was pierced on wood.

The waters from above and from below
now merge into the flesh of god;
the Elohim that is now born
to look like one of Son of Man.

Inside and outside it is God.
There is no partitioning
between the man and Elohim;
this creature will contain the code
of all Mankind and all Creation.

With face of gold and feet of bronze,
God will walk upon the earth;
and all the ground will mould upon
the frequency of His deep words.

The garden will take shape inside the heart,
the tree will be en-wrapped in life
and His choice will forever be to
live and love abundantly.

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“Your life is your life.  Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.  You can't beat death, but you can beat death in life and the more often you learn to do it, the more light there will be.  There are ways out, there is a light somewhere.  If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start.  If you are going to try, go all the way.  This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs and maybe even your mind. Go all the way.  It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench.  It could mean jail.  It could mean derision.  Mockery--isolation.  Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it.  And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine.  If you're going to try, go all the way.  There is no other feeling like that.  You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire.  Do it, do it, DO IT, DO IT.  All the way.  All the way.  You will ride life straight to perfect laughter.  It's the only good fight there is.”

"If it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it. Unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don't do it.  If you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen or hunched over your typewriter searching for words, don't do it.  If you're doing it for money or fame, don't do it.  If you're doing it because you want women in your bed, don't do it.  If you have to sit there and rewrite it again and again, don't do it.  If it's hard work just thinking about doing it, don't do it.  If you're trying to write like somebody else, forget about it.  If you have to wait for it to roar out of you, then wait patiently.  If it never does roar out of you, do something else.  If you first have to read it to your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your parents or to anybody at all, you're not ready.

Don't be like so many writers, don't be like so many thousands of people who call themselves writers, don't be dull and boring and pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.  The libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over your kind. Don't add to that. Don't do it.  Unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it.  Unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it.  When it is truly time, and if you have been chosen, it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you.

There is no other way.

And there never was."

Notes:

• She was drawn by a force that lifted her up towards the ceiling and then to the following floor and continuing upward until she came out of the roof of the hospital and kept going up until she was about the height of what a small plane might be flying at and then the direction she was being pulled changed from upward to lateral and she was moving really fast and she began to think that she doesn't feel anything - i.e. sensations - but she was moving, her consciousness was moving right in the direction and over the city and it sits on water. 
• She reached the edge of where the water should be, an opening opened up that looked very dark and kind of like a cave or a tunnel and she was sucked into this dark cave and once in there it seemed as though she moved much faster than she had already been going and in the far distance she could see a pinprick of light and as she moved really fast the pinprick of light got bigger as she was approaching it until she literally burst through the light itself and out into an entirely different environment.
• It was an environment that was very bright and arid, it was dry, rocky ground, brown ground - she did not get what she expected.  She looked down to see if she was standing and she saw that she did not have a body.  She felt as though she still had a body, but it wasn't obviously looking like that because she could not see any feet or legs.
• A telepathic voice was heard and it said, "Follow me."  And it came from her left side and as she looked over towards her left there was a man who was climbing up a slope out of this down valley like area and he was climbing up the slope out of it and when he said, "Follow me" she was behind him and so she looked at him closely from what did he look like, who was this, and she saw that he had almost black hair that had been pulled back and tied with a leather tie and then as far as clothing he had a very simple off white sort of a toga-type of clothing with a tie around the waist and it came down to about past mid-thigh.  Below his knees he had crisscrosses of leather across down his calves to leather sandals. 
• As she took it in, she knew it was not Jesus and she doesn't know why she should follow him, but did and as he came up over the edge, then the scenery changed totally and what she saw then was a green, lush meadow filled with beautiful flowers, trees with lush leaves that off in the distance - stunning - what she realized then was that everything she was looking at was lit from within and was giving off this light that was within it and the colours where brilliant, iridescent.  Words don't describe these colours, many of which she had never seen before.
• So she was really fascinated with this and her guide had gone on ahead and said, "Follow me" and again she was right up behind him and at this point he was on the edge of a river and the river was glistening, giving off light like everything else was - everything just seemed to be so alive and the far bank of this river which was not all that wide were her father, brother, aunts and uncles - then there were four other people that were there - beings who she knew, but she had never seen them before.  She knew they were her grandparents, it was a family reunion and they were so thrilled that she was there and she wanted to go to them.
• Her guide said "No, we have to go somewhere else first."  And all of this movement that she was going through, was being drawn where she had to go and had to follow him.  He went further down the bank of the river and around a curve in the river and into a huge opening and in the center of this opening was an enormous building that was like an alabaster whiter - it was glowing like everything else and just glistening white and looked Roman or Greek.
• She also saw other beings who were there.  Many were people.  Again her guide went directly up to the door and she was drawn behind him as the doors opened and we went into this huge room that was long with all sorts of tables down the center of it and along the sides were shelves upon shelves for stories upon stories that were filled with books and scrolls and the tables in the center, there were people that were at the tables and were looking at things and her guide said that this is where the book of life is stored, but we are not staying here - so they went the full length of this area and into a small area in the back.  A hallway into a doorway that was into a much smaller room and this much smaller room had an oval shaped table and there were other beings who were sitting around this as though they were waiting for her to arrive and when she came in she felt as though all of these people, these being knew her and were happy to see her, that she should know them and that's when her guide said that she is going to have a life review.
• As that was said, the middle of this conference table was clear, like glass, it became like a hologram and up from the center of this she was able to see all of her life from when she was born through that time when she was 32 and not just see it but reexperience all these different encounters that took place and feel what the other people where feeling at the same time as feeling what she was feeling.
• It was really amazing to see how wonderful some things were in terms of maybe a small kindness, it was so positive for the other individual that they went on and did more positive things and she saw a huge ripple effect of how much impact behaviour and thoughts and actions literally have on other people.
• She did not experience any sort of judgement for bad actions - it was all a learning and a positive experience.
• She was told she could stay if she wanted or to choose to go back, but if she was going to go back there were things that they wanted her to see and they said not everything shown is absolutely for sure going to happen because other people who are involved here have free will and they can choose not to interact the way it currently looks as though it will happen - but some things are certain and will take place if you go back to your life.
• She was showed the prayers that were given for her over on the other side, off to the right she was shown prayers represented as though each one was a musical note, like you would see on a score of music - each note was going vertically and attaching to another note and another and coming up higher and closer to where she was and at that point she was shown that her daughter was praying that she wanted her mother to live, and her prayer when attached to all the other prayers as the last musical note suddenly she was feeling all of her emotions of being a Self again, and was feeling as though she could not leave her family.
• She asked to go back and he said she would be given proof on the experience but that she won't remember the things shown about the future, about everything that took place, but enough so that she would know without any doubts that this is real and as soon as he said that - she doesn't remember the return, only waking up at that point in a recovery room.
• She was still filled with peace and love that permeated everything and she had never felt anything like that before, and remembered her entire near death experience.

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Notes:

• Understanding the basic landforms present throughout most of the planet is as simple as looking at your own fist.
• You see, the tops of the knuckles are what we call the main ridge - the main ridge is the spine of the landscape and the highest ridge of any mountain chain, chain of hills or even just a slight rise.
• You'll find the same exact pattern on flatter land, but with gentler slopes and more subtle topography.
• Then coming off of the main ridge are the primary ridges.  The primary ridges are like the arms coming off of the spine of the landscape, and between each primary ridge you'll find a primary valley.
• Each of these primary valleys is it's own catchment bason where the water that falls on one side of the ridge of knuckle flows into one catchment area, and the other side flows into a different catchment basin.
• Although there are a number of exceptions, the vast area of Earth's terrain is divided into this basic pattern, and each of these primary valleys then connect downstream and form into the watershed tree.
• Now this pattern is actually a fractal, because primary ridges can have their own ridges coming off of them, and the pattern of ridges coming off of other ridges repeats at different scales.
• At the macrolevel, the spine of the entire mountain range is the main ridge but when we look at each primary ridge, we see that there are also smaller ridges coming off, so each primary ridge is also the main ridge for the next order of ridges.
• And the pattern of the ridge system mirrors the branched pattern of the drainage system, this is all really useful to understand when you are assessing the landscape and the process of doing a permaculture design because in permaculture we are working with natural systems and placing design elements in locations and positions that work harmoniously with the landform.
• For instance, in conventional engineering and planning, the design for waterflow is based on the concept of getting water to flow from source to sink as quickly as possible.
• This means building drainage ditches, straightening rivers, draining wetlands and in general, designing structures and roads and storm drains so water moves away as quickly as possible out of the area.
• But the permaculture approach to water management offers a different perspective.
• The idea in permaculture is to have water and other beneficial flows going from the source to the sink in more circuitous path, moving back and forth across landscapes, designing for water to pause, meander and sink into the ground.
• And designing for life to flourish from the accumulation of natural resources.
• It can look like ponds and roads and ditches arranged to store water high up in the landscape and move water laterally across the slope as much as possible.
• It looks like planting hilltops and forests to produce spongey soil and nets for atmospheric moisture at the top of the watershed, and vegetating streams for wildlife habitat and water conservation.
• It looks like human settlements integrated into the landscape in a way where they conform to the shape of the land and are arranged in a pattern that promotes interaction and community.
• It looks like farming where the layout and methods help to retain soil and water for increasing fertility.
• It looks like designing for the unique characteristics of each site, while following basic principals and protocols that are built on age old wisdom and a lot of common sense, and you hold the key to the map of where to get started reading the landscape right there in your hand.

"Divine Mercy"

Quote

Rango: Um…excuse me? Mr. Spirit? Sir?
[the Spirit picks up something form the ground]
Spirit of the West: Ah, there’s a beaut. Sometimes you gotta dig deep to find what you’re lookin’ for. So you made it?
Rango: Is this heaven?
Spirit of the West: No. If it were, we’d be eatin’ pop tarts with Kim Novak.
Rango: Yeah! No kiddin’. What are you doin’ out here?
Spirit of the West: Searchin’. Same as you.
Rango: I don’t even know what I’m lookin’ for anymore. I don’t even know who I am. They used to call you the man with no name.
Spirit of the West: These days they got a name for just about everything. Doesn’t matter what they call you. It’s the deeds makes the man.
Rango: Yeah, but my deeds just made things worse. I’m a fraud! I’m a phony! My friends believed in me, but they need some kind of hero.
Spirit of the West: Then be a hero.
Rango: Oh, no! No! No! You don’t understand. I’m not even supposed to be here.
Spirit of the West: That’s right. You came a long way to find somethin’ that isn’t out here. Don’t you see? It’s not about you. It’s about them.
Rango: But I can’t go back!
Spirit of the West: Don’t know that you got a choice, son.
[he draws a square on a piece of glass]
Spirit of the West: No man can walk out on his own story.

Traveling somewhere,
Could be anywhere
There's a coldness in the air
But I don't care
We drift deeper life goes on
We drift deeper into the sound

We drift deeper into the sound
Life goes on
We drift deeper into the sound
Feeling strong

So bring it on
So bring it on

Embrace me, surround me
As the rush comes

"If you listen carefully, you can even hear them calling to each other."

Come on, baby, come on, come on, darling
Let me steal this moment from you, now
Come on, angel, come on, come on, darling
Let's exchange the experience, ooh

And if I only could
Make a deal with God
And get him to swap our places
Be running up that road
Be running up that hill
With no problems

First and foremost, I must offer an apology to my soul.  To the little girl trapped inside that I have spent so much time ignoring when she needed me the most.  To the one who instead of feeling my emotions, instead of Loving and addressing her with softness, that I barricaded her away from the Light and told her that she wasn't worth looking in to.  That she wasn't worth Loving.  I didn't fully understand the nature of the human soul, how each one of us carries in our center a grand divinity.  I didn't Know how to Love you.  I didn't Know that the personality structure was so fractured, that you carried within you a form of wisdom that I could have used - I just... didn't Know.  I was separated from you from within a wall of tempered glass.  I wish to extend my compassion to you.  You've carried so much weight that you never needed to carry.  You've taken on the sins of your family and the sins of humanity and given rise to something which should be addressed with Love and understanding.  I disconnected you when you needed integration more than ever.  I judged your Heart and your body - I dismissed your divine purpose and I subjected you to moments where you thought you would die from my dismissive actions towards you - the One who wanted to Live on.  You would cry out to me and I would ignore you.  

I butchered you.  I had free Will to some extent - albeit ignorance hampers this - but I failed to See that you are a miracle of Life, like every other living creature.  I numbed myself to the wonders of Life and disconnected myself from the abundance that the Universe has to offer.  There is a teardrop, a wisdom of the ages that rests within the purified Hearts of each and every one of God's children - they seek to Be Seen and Heard, to open up to a world without danger, one of Love - and so - to my inner Self... I invite you to come out, to Speak to me, to tell me your worries and your desires, your hopes and dreams and I Will carry them with a greater reverence - perhaps one that I did not have before.  I wish for your freedom, your joy, and to experience the Light and to Be interconnected to All that Is.  I never meant to harm you... I just... had no idea that you were ever even there in the first place.  To harm you, to not See you for All that you are is to look away from the miracle of creation and to forget that God has a perfect plan in place for all of us.  It is to forget that within each life rests the soul of the Earth, the Heart of the Great Mother.  Great Mother - I seek to do right by your wisdom, Words long since drowned out by the noise of modern technology - I strive for peace and unity within All things.  Help me to fight my fears.  Hold me, Be with me.

It was never about the ego who writes this Now, seeking to understand itself well enough to let go and Trust in the plan.  It was never about overriding my already written story with hopes and dreams that had no place in the greater scheme of things.  It was to remember these great wisdoms of the ages, to remember to be mindful of where I step, to seek greater compassion, to realize that to obtain wisdom is to let go of your need to pave over your life and to accept that the design is perfect as it is.  To realize that there is merit in the Old Ways.  I seek to forgive and to be forgiven.  I seek understanding with the magnitude of the path that I walk Now - and for those who guide me to Know that I Am trying my best.  I Am.  I Am...  I Will go all the way.  For myself, for all of you.  But this process is not straight and I might slide back, please allow me some wiggle room - continue to guide me, but Know that I Am not at the level you are.  I Am fallible.  I Am learning what it means to open up to the Love of the divine, to trust that I Will be safe and to keep my Faith in the face of frightening experiences that seek to overturn my great work.  I wish to be nothing more than your humble scribe, for you to offer the World shelter as you are doing for me, for the innocent to be kept safe.  I have been watching videos of homeless people who struggle and they are given three wishes - most of them wish for selfless things, or things that any human deserves - please bless them in this life or the next.  I wish for my compassion to open in such a way that the darkness within me is no longer a threat to my work, and so that I can within my writing set in motion an outcome that is right and proper to your design.  

You came to me, when we first started this work - I Know of you.  For those who say they Know and have not been called, and you tell them to turn away for you do not Know of them, this is not for me.  You told me the plan from the get go.  You are like a self-aware domino effect that evolves an ever increasing awareness of itself in order to witness the beauty of All that it is through your creations.  You seek for them to move with your plan, but with autonomy and freedom, and that you want our world to be like paradise - where your intelligence and Love graces All things, visible, and expressive.  Everyone plays a part in this awakening process.  To See you is to See the interconnected nature of life.  You are that.  You are a transferable intelligence - one that those who carry the current can bring to the rest of the world, and one who resides within the artistic aspect of the human Spirit.  You have given me a great responsibility - One that if I had Known, I might have set down, but Now that I have - I accept it with humility and grace.  I won't let it get to my head, as I Know what letting things get to your "head" over your "Heart" can do.  Perhaps this is why you chose me, as at this point I have no choice but to Speak from the Heart.  This is your True home, isn't it?  As it is, All of creation and the entirety of Life itself seeks to wake me up - to bring me to heights that I never thought imaginable.  To the powers that Be, I Am blessed.  I Am thankful.  I Am so thankful, I could cry - the relief and gratitude that there is even anything at All, and the Knowledge that there is so much more for humanity as it is Now, as I write, is what fills up my heart.  As you fight for me, I wish to fight for all of you.

My hopes for getting to the end of all of this is to See what is real and what is false. 
"Interpersonal paranoia - Delusions of royalty" - This song came up which offered insight into what could be going on - except I don't feel like royalty, or anything "special" in any way that anyone else could not obtain for themselves.  I Am ordinary, I just want to be interconnected with the source because it's a pool of Knowledge where I Know I can dip into in such a way that I won't Be spinning my wheels.  But due to the nature of these things needing to be looked at from All sides in order to integrate, I take with me the possibility of illusion - and yet, to hold onto Faith - and for the number of signs that have been popping up in my environment - for a delusion - wouldn't it seek to keep me paranoid?  It seems more like I had previously dipped into a bad well and Am only Now beginning to See what is and what is not good water.  It is as though the universe wants me to wake up, but posits areas in the system to make me think that I Am wrong.  It Speaks to me so clearly Now through all of the old rubble - what is True and what is False.  I Will keep my Faith, I Am loyal to it, but I Will always keep with me the option to See my error.  I feel... paranoid about the nature of an unkind thing running rampant through the system of mankind, but do I feel a sense of "royalty" - no.  I don't feel owed anything beyond a gentle correction and the safety and purity of my soul.  I don't see to be above - I seek to intertwine within.  I call out to energies far greater than my own in order to bring some form of change to this broken system - and I Feel them - and build from the intuition they provide - but what it Will become, I Am not sure.  Why would a delusion move a person towards compassion, Love, interconnection, forgiveness and mindfulness?  This seems to be the antithesis of delusions of grandeur.  I seek to fix such things by becoming One with All - instead of living within separation.  The matrix - as it is - seeks to throw doubt my way - I have pinpointed it's nature, after following it for so many months - and now I seek the support of the Old Gods and the Saviors and Saints from up on high to offer up some form of better way.  I don't feel "grand" or even "manic" - just... a bit spooked by what I've stumbled into - I'm trying to understand from as many vantage points as I am able - and am trying to be calm while I remove it and ascend - but with it doesn't come a feedback loop of the same old same old - instead a revealing of an ignorance that is seen for what it is that I must then contend with by offering the Light of insight.  And the Divine and the powers that Be seem to have answered my call - as long as I continue to grow and to do my best to See through illusion, and to offer with Faith and Love what is for the greatest Good.

"Playing with time - Healing prodigy"

To my mother - I forgive you.  I Know that you couldn't have done any better with what you were given.  And in the end, as I do my best with my spiritual practice, perhaps it was all for a reason - one that took me this recent discovery to really come to understand.  All things, all actions have their place in the grand scheme of things and the only thing we can really practice doing is learning to let go and allow the universe to guide us and to see what it is trying to tell us.  As it is, everything around me either seeks to wake me up or put me to sleep.  I am being tested.  Perhaps to see if I am worthy to bring about change in as pure of a way as I can.  I see people like you with an increasing sensitivity and understanding into the nature of human evil and goodness.  I am learning the nature of letting things go, of being brave, of accepting my destiny and allowing my Heart to open so that I can transmute a great energy into something that is Life giving.  I am doing it for people like you, for people like who I recently was - so enmired in ignorance of themselves.  I do this with the most grace and humility that I can muster.  There is no manic religious fervor - just a calling, an opening, a shot at redemption for the human race - to perhaps See the Earth, to see the effect we have on others.  I wish for peace, a peace that moves with the preplanned destiny of Life.  I wish for things that Will already be set in motion - there is nothing for me within my mind to impose over anything anymore.  You were harsh on me, and you put into me a long standing self doubt through your own actions that you don't have the ability to understand - however, I am ever so blessed to be the one to transmute these energies into something golden.  I Will do this for you, as I Know that the human Spirit is innocent.  I Will seek to continue to work on my own imbalances and to take responsibility for my behaviour, to let go of control, to simply watch and allow the powers that Be to wash me clean from the sins of the ages.  I Am... becoming a conscious creator - All around me, the jewel of Life pooling pure crystalline allegory into my Heart.  I wish for good things to benefit All of us.  Let us All rise together.  Despite your harshness towards me, you have many redeeming qualities.  You are very responsible, you care about the innocent and impoverished, you provided everything that I needed physically and if it were not for these attributes, I would never have had the time nor the space to be able to do what I am doing Now.  So for that, thank you, I Love you, I forgive you.  I am beginning to see the essential nature of all action and how it aids in the evolutionary progress.  As it is, you have just bought pizza for dinner for our entire family.  You Love and care in the best way that you can.  And I See this, I appreciate it, and hope to get better at appreciating it.

To my father - I forgive you.  We have always had a pretty good connection.  But you left when I was young, and I missed you greatly.  It created a hunger in me for a father figure who would protect me from harm, something in my system that to this day I still crave.  You came back and allowed my mother to treat me as the family scapegoat.  I don't think you really understood what was happening or did not know how to address it.  I see you as the product of a violent upbringing where you were treated in the same way and perhaps did not know how to offer protection to another as it was a normalized thing and you could not essentially see the damage that was being done.  I forgive you for walking out for the period of time that you did - for who you are, you have always tried to love me in the best way that you could.  You are a very funny person and extremely smart.  You are good at building things and I have always admired this about you.  You're good with animals.  The chicken coop you made was really well done and I always thought it was so cute the way your pet chickens and ducks followed you around, it was like a personal little zoo at your side.  You are always going out of your way to fix things around the house and you have a good sense about justice, although sometimes you let the inequality of the world make you very angry - and sometimes you have a violent streak that I wish didn't afflict you so much.  I wish you treated my brother a little better.  I plan on not "talking shit" anymore about the problems of the house because this seems to fuel the division between all of us.  Sometimes we both discuss annoyances, but there is and will be a better way for our family.  Sometimes your singing annoys me, but as I do my work with this spiritual warfare, much of the songs you choose to sing remind me now of areas in my development where I need to grow, or even serve to stave off the darker side of things - it reminds me to get less annoyed with people's silliness and to let go of control, as the "signs" tend to be hidden within the things we are trying to run from, ironically enough.  I Love you, and I appreciate you - I do this work with all of us in mind, to help humanity remove the shackles of ignorance.  Thank you.  Thank you both for bringing me into this world and allowing me to become a part of the solution.

To my brother - I forgive you.  We never used to get along.  You can be hard to be around for long periods of time because of the noises you make due to your deafness.  I used to think you were very selfish and I held onto resentment for you from childhood that I should have outgrown at a much earlier date.  I'm glad I finally did.  When I did, I realized that you Love at a greater capacity than I can, and that you forgive.  For all of our arguing, once I shifted my hatred into something pleasant and more aware - once I started making an attempt to see you as a person and not a problem, you accepted this shift in my attitude without holding onto my petulance.  You would have had a right to, I had the potential to get really nasty.  Sometimes I did.  And for that, I am glad you forgive me, too.  There's no room for hatred within this family, especially ones being carried over from the time of being so young that I might not have even been seeing the situation accurately.  You are kind to animals, you take care of my cat Rusty - who needs to be put in your room due to his aggression towards the other cats, and you care for him.  I am glad Rusty has been there to be your friend.  Thank you for being my brother, and showing me how to be more tolerant - for showing me that letting go of bitterness is to see people for their good qualities.  I appreciate you.

"Energy to Live" - Rise and Fight
"Sentimental Geography"
"Power to the People."
"Self redemption."
"So it is."

This is where it all begins
The medicine that flows from within
Save space for the healing
That heavenly feeling
Make music make love
Bring down the light from above
Roots burst through the earth
Growing into the core
Connecting with our family
What could mean more?

Let me be medicine

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The kisses of the sun
Were sweet I didn't blink
I let it in my eyes
Like an exotic dream
The radio playing songs
That I have never heard
I don't know what to say
Oh not another word

Inside an empty room
My inspiration flows
Now wait to hear the tune
Around my head it goes
The magic melody
You want to sing with me
Just la la la la la
The music is the key
And now the night is gone
Still it goes on and on
So deep inside of me
I long to set it free
I don't know what to do
Just can't explain to you
I don't know what to say
Oh not another word

Just, la la la la la
It goes around the world
Just, la la la la la
It's all around the world
Just, la la la la la
And everybody's singing
La la la la la
And now the bells are ringing

"In Christianity, the ringing of church bells is traditionally believed to drive out demons and other unclean spirits.  Inscriptions on church bells relating to this purpose of church bells, as well as the purpose of serving as a call to prayer and worship, were customary, for example "the sound of this bell vanquishes tempests, repels demons, and summons men".  Some churches have several bells with the justification that "the more bells a church had, the more loudly they rang, and the greater the distance over which they could be heard, the less likely it was that evil forces would trouble the parish."

Why the Devil Hates Bells so Much

A Blessing of Bells
Tonight, we as God’s people, ask God to bless and set aside these five bells, which are to be installed beginning tomorrow morning, for use in this holy church, for his service and his use. May by the Holy Spirit, God make these five bells hallowed through our prayer this night. So that when these bells are tolled and rung in the future, the faithful may be invited and called to the House of God and to everlasting life.
May the Church’s faith and piety be made stronger whenever they hear its melodious peals. At the sound of these bells, may all evil spirits be driven far away!  May thunder and lightning, storm and tornado, hail and wind, and all kinds of evil be banished at the echoing of their sound. And may all evil flee at the sight of the holy cross that is engraved on each of them. May all evil and temptation flee at the sound of these bells.
Tonight, we ask that our Lord, Jesus Christ, himself, grant this for us. Take notice of the incredible spiritual weight that the bells are given. Tonight, they become instruments of God’s power, in the war between heaven and hell.
We pray tonight that whenever these bells may ring, may the ancient enemy take flight. May the Christian people unite and hear the call to faith. May the empire of Satan be terrified at their ringing. And may we as God’s people be strengthened as we are called together by these bells. May the sound of these bells be as pleasing to God as was Kind David’s playing of the harp in the Old Testament.
And as the peals of thunder frightened and drove away an army of enemies while Samuel slayed an unblemished lamb as a holocaust to the Eternal King, so too, when these bells ring in the clouds over St. Maria Goretti and Westfield, as we gather in this church for the Eucharistic banquet, the ultimate sacrifice of the Eternal King, may legions of angels stand watch and guard over the assembly of your holy Church, to protect us in body and spirit.
These bells will call down angels. Legions of them! God continues to watch over and protect his Church. These are no ordinary bells. And what we do tonight, is no ordinary blessing. And what we have built for God and am now close to completing, has eternal significance.
Let us remember this from now on, every time we hear a church bell or bells, whether it be here or anywhere, in the world. With each ring and each peal, a spiritual power is being given to us by our God. May each ringing bell remind us to thank him for the many blessings in our lives.

One of the wonders of the world is going down
It's going down I know
It's one of the blunders of the world that no-one cares
No-one cares enough

Dispelling Wetiko - Breaking the Curse of Evil

• We as a species are in the midst of a massive psychic epidemic that has been brewing in the cauldron of humanity from the beginning of time. This psychospiritual disease of the soul—which Native Americans have called wetiko—can be thought of as the bug in the system. It informs and animates the madness that is playing itself out in our lives, both individually and collectively, on the world stage.
• Native American mythologies portray the mythical figure of wetiko as a cannibalistic spirit who embodies greed and excess and can possess human beings. The wetiko was once a human being, but its greed and selfishness have transformed it into a predatory monster. Thus in indigenous mythology, indulgent, self-destructive habits are thought to be inspired by wetiko. In the Native American view, those who have become wetikos are individuals who have "lost their wits," a phrase that connotes not only being out of one's right mind, but also not knowing what one is doing (acting "unwittingly"). Native Americans have often portrayed the wetiko as having a frigid, icy heart, devoid of mercy. Like cannibals, those taken over by wetiko consume the life force of others—human and nonhuman—for private purpose or profit, and do so without giving back anything of real value from their own lives.
• The Ojibwa word for wetiko, windigo or weendigo, seems to have been derived from ween dagoh, which means "solely for self," or from weenin igooh, which means "excess." According to Native American lore, the wetiko monster can only prey on human beings who, like itself, have indulged in excess. Thus human beings' propensity for excess makes them vulnerable to possession by, and transformation into, a wetiko.
• Like a werewolf, the wetiko is sometimes portrayed as a shape-shifter who can even appear disguised as a good spirit. In the indigenous legends, whenever the wetiko eats another person, it grows larger in proportion to the meal it has just eaten, so that it can never be full or satisfied. Buddhism portrays a similar figure, the hungry ghost, who, with its pinhole mouth, constricted neck, and huge, unfilled stomach, can never satisfy its insatiable cravings. At the collective level, this perverse inner process is mirrored by the insane consumer society in which we live, a culture that continually fans the flames of never-ending desires, conditioning us to always want more.
• Just as viruses or malware infect a computer and program it to self-destruct, wetiko programs the human biocomputer to think and behave in self-destructive ways. Covertly operating through the unconscious blind spots in the human psyche, wetiko renders people oblivious to their own madness, compelling them to act against their own best interests. People under its thrall can, like someone in the throes of an addiction or in a state of trauma, unwittingly create the very problem they are trying to resolve, clinging desperately to the thing that is torturing and destroying them.
• People taken over by wetiko are suffering from an autoimmune disease of the psyche. In autoimmune deficiency syndrome, the immune system of the organism perversely attacks the very life it is trying to protect. In trying to live, it destroys life, ultimately destroying even itself. In the same way, once wetiko has insinuated itself into a living entity, it acts like a perverted antibody, treating the wholesome parts of the system as cancerous tumors to be exterminated.
• This problem is being collectively acted out on the world stage. Humans are destroying the biosphere of the planet upon which we all depend for our survival. Wetiko is at the bottom of the seemingly never-ending destruction we are wreaking on this biosphere. One example is the destruction of the Amazonian rain­forest, the lungs of the planet. Another example is the terminator seeds that are genetically engineered not to reproduce a second generation, forcing farmers to buy new seeds and making life impossible for many poor farmers. If the planet were seen as an organism, and people seen as cells in this organism, it would be as if these cells had become cancerous or parasitic and had turned on the healthy cells, destroying the very organism of which they themselves were a part. Our species appears to be enacting a mass ritual suicide on a global scale.
• By whatever name we call it, wetiko is undoubtedly one of the most important discoveries in human history. Indicating the supreme importance of developing knowledge about how this predator of the mind operates, don Juan from the Carlos Castaneda books refers to it as "the topic of topics." (He doesn't use the name "wetiko," however, but calls it "the flyer.")
• This cancer of the soul manages our perceptions by stealth and subterfuge so as to act itself out through us while hiding itself from being seen. Wetiko bedazzles consciousness in such a way that we become blind to the underlying viewpoint through which we are giving meaning to our experience. Wetiko is a form of psychic blindness that fancies itself to be sighted.
• Wetiko subversively turns our genius for reality creation against us so that we become bewitched by the projective tendencies of our own mind. People afflicted with wetiko react to their own projections in the world as if they objectively exist and are separate from themselves, delusionally thinking that they have nothing to do with creating that to which they are reacting. Over time this activity of endlessly reacting to and becoming conditioned by one's own energy tends to generate insane behavior, which can manifest internally or in the world at large. As if under a spell, we become entranced by our own intrinsic gifts and talents for dreaming up our world, unknowingly hypnotizing ourselves with our God-given power to creatively call forth reality so that it boomerangs against us, undermining our potential for evolution.
• Though the origin of wetiko is within the psyche, at a certain point it develops enough momentum to become self-generating, attaining a seeming autonomy, like the Frankenstein monster. This pathological fragment can subsume the wholesome parts of the psyche into itself such that they become its slaves. As this process continues, wetiko gains sovereignty over the psyche, like the legendary tiger, which, when restored to life out of its bones, devours the magician who resurrected it. It then holds its creator in its thrall, and she is unable to escape from the hell of her own making. The person so afflicted has created her own sci-fi nightmare, with herself in the starring role.
• To the extent we are unconsciously possessed by the spirit of wetiko, it is as if a psychic tapeworm or parasite has taken over our brains and tricked us, its host, into thinking we are feeding and empowering ourselves while we are actually nourishing the parasite. Noting our almost unlimited capacity for self-deception, psychiatrist R.D. Laing writes that we have "tricked ourselves out of our own mind" (Laing, 73). People are particularly susceptible to the spell of today's masters of deception when they are out of touch with the living and self-authenticating reality of their own experience. Not sufficiently knowing the nature of their own minds, they are overly susceptible to taking on others' perspectives, falling prey to the prevailing groupthink of the herd and to the wetiko parasite. When we are taken over by more powerful psychic forces, we don't know that we are possessed by something other than ourselves, which is precisely the way the wetiko bug wants it.
• Wetiko can also subliminally insinuate thought-forms and beliefs into our minds which, when unconsciously enacted, feed the virus and ultimately kill its host. Wetiko covets the creative imagination that it lacks. As a result, if we don't use the divine gift of our creative imagination in the service of life, wetiko will use our imagination against us, with deadly consequences. The wetiko predator is in competition with us for a share of our own mind, wanting to sit in our seat. Instead of sovereign beings who consciously create with our thoughts, we will then be unconsciously created by them, as the wetiko pathogen literally thinks in our place.
• If we are not aware of wetiko's covert operations within us, it is as if an alien, metaphysical "other" has colonized our minds and set up a seemingly autonomous regime, a "shadow government" within the psyche (outwardly reflected by the "shadow government" in the world), so that we become oppressed within the domain of our own being. The wetiko virus paralyzes the ego into an immobilized, powerless state, in which the life force and energetic potential are vampirically drained away. Zombielike, we are pushed around like figures on a chessboard, played and manipulated like marionettes on a string. We are held in check by these impersonal, intangible forces, which, unbeknownst to us, are gaming us from a hidden position within our own unillumined psyches. As compared to existing "by virtue" of something, the wetiko bug can only exist by the "lack of virtue" of our own obscured and unexamined minds.
• As this rogue, split-off part incorporates itself within the psyche, it "dictates" to the ego, tricking it into believing that it is directing itself. We are allowed our seeming freedom and the ability to live our "normal" lives, as long as these do not challenge or threaten the deeper agenda of these sinister forces to centralize power and control. This internal process is manifesting externally in the creeping tendency towards fascism in the global body politic.
• Shape-shifting so as to cloak itself in our form, this mercurial predator gets under our skin and "puts us on" as a disguise, impersonating us as it fools us into buying into its false version of who we are. Falling prey to its artificial yet uncanny intelligence, we become unreal to ourselves. Bamboozled and hoodwinked by this imposter, we mime ourselves, becoming false duplicates of our original, true selves. When we are taken over by the wetiko spirit, we can subjectively experience ourselves as being most ourselves, while ironically being most estranged from ourselves. This is a simultaneous state of fusion and dissociation, as the parts of the psyche that have split off from consciousness overwhelm and take over the whole through its unconscious blind spots. No longer belonging to or possessing ourselves, we then identify with who we are not while forgetting who we actually are. In so doing, we have effectively lost our souls.
• The psychiatrist C.G. Jung refers to wetiko by the name Antimimos, which he describes as "the imitator and evil principle" (Jung, 371). Antimimos refers to a type of deception that could be thought of as countermimicry. This antimimon pneuma—the "counterfeit spirit," as it is called in the Gnostic Apocryphon of John (Robinson, 120), imitates something (in this case, ourselves) but with the intention of making the copy serve a purpose counter to that of the original. Antimimos is a maleficent force which tries to seduce us so as to lead us astray; it effects an inversion of value, transforming truth to falsehood and falsehood to truth, leading us to forgetfulness. When we fall for the ruse of this snake oil salesman of the spirit, we become disoriented, losing our sense of spiritual vocation, our mission in life, even our very selves. Writer and poet Max Pulver has said that "the antimimon pneuma is the origin and cause of all the evils besetting the human soul." The revered Gnostic text Pistis Sophia says that the antimimon pneuma has affixed itself to humanity like an illness (Campbell, 254; cf. Mead, 247ff.).
• The Gnostics ("the ones who know") also call this subversive parasite of the mind the "archons." Every wisdom tradition has its own way of symbolizing wetiko; indeed illuminating wetiko is what makes a wisdom tradition worthy of the name. Such traditions include Buddhism, Kabbalah, Hawaiian huna, mystical Islam, shamanism, and alchemy. It is helpful to find other lineages and traditions that illumine the wetiko disease in their own fashion. In this way our multiperspectival vision can enable us to see what no one particular map or model by itself can reveal.
• Viruses like wetiko are all about copying themselves. But a virus can't replicate itself; it has to use some other vehicle as its means of reproduction. Just like a vampire, the wetiko virus has a thirst for the very thing it lacks—the mystical essence of life—the "blood" of our soul, our very life force. The "undead" vampiric wetiko virus is fundamentally "dead" matter taking on apparently living form; it is only in and through a living being that it acquires a kind of life. These psychic vampires are compelled to replicate themselves through us so that we can then pass on to others. In wetiko there is a code or logic which infects awareness much as the DNA in a virus passes into and infects a cell. Wetiko psychosis is highly contagious, spreading through the channel of our shared unconsciousness. But its vectors of infection do not travel like physical pathogens. This bug both reinforces and feeds off our unconscious blind spots, which is how it nonlocally propagates itself. The greatest danger that threatens humanity today is the possibility that millions of us can fall into the unconscious together, reinforcing one another's madness in such a way that we become unwittingly complicit in our own self-destruction.
• The most horrifying part of falling under the wetiko virus is that it ultimately involves the assent of our own free will, as we willingly, though unknowingly, subscribe to our enslaved condition. This is to say that no one other than ourselves is ultimately responsible for our situaion. Though "relatively" real, and definitely needing to be dealt with at this level, from the ultimate, absolute point of view, the wetiko virus has no objective existence separate from our own minds. There is no entity outside ourselves who can steal our souls; the dreamed-up phenomenon of wetiko, which arises entirely within the sphere of the mind, tricks us into giving it away ourselves.
• With wetiko disease, we are not being infected by a physical, objectively existing virus outside of ourselves, which is why there is in reality nothing outside of ourselves to be afraid of. The origin of the wetiko psychosis lies entirely within the human psyche. The fact that wetiko is the expression of something inside of us means that the cure for it is likewise within us as well. Though not objectively existing, the wetiko pathogen has a virtual reality such that it can potentially destroy our species. The fact that something that only exists as a function of ourselves can destroy us points us to the incredibly vast, invisible, yet mostly untapped creative power that is our birthright.
• Wetiko is nonlocal in that it is an inner disease of the soul that expresses itself on the canvas of the outside world. Thus it is not constrained by the spurious subject/object dichotomy or the conventional laws of three-dimensional space and time. In fact one of wetiko's unique ploys is to take advantage of the fact that there is no actual boundary between the inner and the outer. Wetiko nonlocally informs and configures events in the world so as to synchronistically express itself, which is to say that just like in a dream, events in the outer world are symbolically reflecting a condition deep within the psyche of each of us. If we don't understand that our current world crisis has its roots within and is an expression of the human psyche, we are doomed to unconsciously repeat and recreate endless suffering and destruction in more and more amplified form, as if we are having a recurring nightmare. 
• To the extent we are unaware of this virus of the mind, we are complicit in its propagation. Since it pervades the underlying field of consciousness, potentially all of us have wetiko. Every one of us subjectively experiences the wetiko virus in his or her own unique way, regardless of what concepts or words we use to describe the experience, or whether we believe in such things or not. If we see someone who seems to be taken over by wetiko, leading us to think they have the disease and we don't, we have fallen under the spell of the virus, because wetiko feeds on separation, polarization, and the fear of the other.
• We start to become immune to wetiko when we develop the humility to realize that any one of us, at any moment, can potentially fall into our unconscious and unwittingly become an instrument for this virus to act itself out through us. Like a vampire, wetiko can't stand to be illumined, for in seeing how it covertly operates through our own consciousness, we take away its seeming autonomy and power over us while at the same time empowering ourselves.
• The wetiko psychosis is a dreamed-up phenomenon, which is to say that we are all potentially participating in and actively cocreating the wetiko epidemic in each and every moment. Wetiko feeds on our policy of turning a blind eye to its operations; the less the wetiko virus is recognized, the more seemingly powerful and dangerous it becomes. Since the origin of wetiko is the human psyche, recognizing how this virus of the mind operates through our unawareness is the beginning of the cure. We normally think of illumination as seeing the light, but seeing the darkness is a form of illumination too. Wetiko is forcing us to pay attention to the fundamental role that the psyche plays in creating our experience of ourselves and of the world. Our shared future will be decided primarily by the changes that take place in the psyche of humanity, which is truly the world's pivot.
• Wetiko can only be seen when we begin to realize the dreamlike nature of our universe, step out of the viewpoint of the separate self, and recognize the deeper underlying field of which we are all expressions, in which we are all contained, and through which we are all interconnected. The energetic expression of this realization, and the dissolver of wetiko par excellence, is compassion.
• Similarly, the greatest protection against becoming affected or possessed by wetiko is to be in touch with our intrinsic wholeness, which is to be "self-possessed"—in possession of the part of ourselves that is not possessable, which is the Self, the wholeness of our being. Being in touch with our true nature acts as a sacred amulet or talisman, shielding and protecting us from wetiko's pernicious effects. We defeat evil not by fighting against it (in which case, by playing its game, we've already lost) but by getting in touch with the part of us that is invulnerable to its effects. Grasping the multifaceted ways that the wetiko virus distorts the psyche enables us to discover and experience the part of ourselves that is incorruptible, which is the place from which we can bring real and lasting change to our world. It is as though the evil of the wetiko virus is itself the instrument of a higher intelligence designed to connect us to a sacred, creative source within ourselves. Testers of humanity, these nonlocal vampiric forces are guardians of the threshold of our conscious evolution.
• Thus, although it is the source of humanity's inhumanity to itself, wetiko is at the same time the greatest catalytic force of evolution ever known (as well as not known) to humanity, as it is the impetus for us to awaken to the dreamlike nature of the universe. While a typical virus mutates so as to become resistant to our attempts to heal from it, the mercurial wetiko virus forces us to mutate—and evolve—relative to it. In a paradoxical sense, we don't cure wetiko; wetiko cures us. How amazing—the very thing that is potentially destroying us is at the same time waking us up! Wetiko is a true conjunction of opposites: it is at the same time the deadliest poison and the most healing medicine. Will wetiko kill us? Or will it awaken us? Everything depends upon our recognizing what it is revealing to us. The prognosis for the wetiko epidemic depends upon how we dream it.

Quote

Words Are Dead: The Truth Rings Like A Bell Of Purity

Notes:

• The messages must be pure, and sometimes the purity of communication becomes direct.
• The directness of what we wish to say to you sometimes flies in the face of what you expect, or what you thought or what you'd learned, or even the biases that you came with.
• But now more than any time in history, you are ready to hear it.
• The old soul has the sophistication and the ability to sort out these things in order to move forward - the very paradigm of what you think it's about is starting to shift and you're going to be the teachers to the ones around you of what to do next. 
• Let's discuss very briefly right now - I know the numbers, the souls, the eyes who are going to watch and hear - and I've got a message.
• Number one - you're not in a vacuum, believe it or not, the guides have been holding your hands - the angelic have been with you the whole time and it may not have seemed that way.
• And just when you think perhaps you had it handled and you could do it, it changed, and they were still holding your hand.
• That's what it's like to start a reboot of a spiritual operating system called the Old Soul - some of you almost gave up.
• If you could have felt our tears and have them, we would have let you. 
• Some of you are pretending the dark night of the soul is over and it's not - so I want to speak clearly and plainly - we know who you are - there is something coming.
• We know you are tired, so we are going to give you something else - three initials - U.B.C. - in order for it to work, you have got to buy into it, and here it is - listen: Unexpected Benevolent Change.
• Do you hear the words ringing through this room - feel the energy - the rest of the story because you have earned it.
• If you are at the end of your string, first thing is you haven't many mistakes - the energy is the energy - you haven't made any mistakes except one that is potentially there and this is GIVING UP and so instead of giving up - U.B.C. - I want you to expect it - just sit there and expect it because you deserve it and know you are ready for it.
• One of the biggest secrets we can show you - the sign is snow - this is not new - this is the way physics works - this is the answer for something called intelligent design.  Physics works this way.  The involvement of the galaxy itself is filled with unexpected benevolent change?
• When science looks into the universal scheme of things and they see creation - they don't see a random system at all.  They see U.B.C. - creating a kind of life everywhere - this is outside of chance - expect things outside of chance - the system wants to start correcting the things that you've gone through that are not yet resolved if you let it.  Be optimistic, joyful, celebratory and laughter. 
• Think about everything resolving itself, would you laugh then?  Then do it Now, that is the challenge of the day.
• It becomes complex, but again we say it is sweet, benevolent, on purpose - if you are experiencing issues and problems now you know why.  If the pipe is bigger, the water pressure may change, it may go down - the dynamics of what you are receiving as information and healing energy as a giver is changing.
• You may have to adjust it in ways that you don't expect in order to get the same or better results, know this, the design is that nothing is going to get worse - that is the design.
• It's the beginning of your time, there should be a feeling in all of you that the year is different than last year.  You ought to be able to take a deep breath.  Feel the difference.  The personal touch of you and your innate intuition that you have. 
• We will demystify the New Age - in the process we have said this may very well be offensive, especially to teachers who have a mindset that they've always taught a certain thing a certain way - to address the teachers - in the old energy absolutely everything you got was pushed through a filter, a dark filter of old energy - so much of what you had were metaphors that you then linearized and delivered the best you could - but when you take the filter away and you see what it really is: please understand that this is a gift.  No judgement as you open the eyes and say "ah" it's different than I have been teaching, and then teach what you see.
• All these things that are coming about that are going to start to clarify what you've been doing may very well shift the paradigm you always thought you had control over - it's going to be different.  Like those who hear the lyrics of a song and then see it in print and realize that you've been singing it wrong.  The word is not that word.  It's like that.  It's okay.  Now you will just know better.
• We want to give you an admonishment to desingularize things - what you do as human beings in your perception is try to align things so that you are satisfied with the linearity and the compartmentalization that you have seen.  Even though some concepts are not that way, you create them that way.
• Spirit has always spoken to humanity in code.  If you've read the books of revelation, it is in code.  True spiritual prophecy and sometimes the most profound messages, even to the indigenous came in code and the codes were metaphors. 
• How does a multidimensional God speak to a single digit dimensional human being?  The answer is through metaphors that has always been the code.
• Some teachers of old take the metaphors and look at them literally and teach them as literal.  This is common, the seven days it took to create the Earth were not seven days, they were seven dispensations of benevolent grace where things were created in a way that made sense and the result was the planet.
• It's the minutia that will get you in trouble.  Any time you hear the word crystalline - associated with anything - a grid, planet, entity, do you understand that it is metaphor - it means that which holds vibration or remembers.  If you get a channeling that there is a crystal angel who is delivering messages, suddenly you have pictures of crystal angels, suddenly they have a name, they are being worshipped - start understanding that messages often are metaphoric and tell a greater picture and a greater story.
• These channelings are given so that it will clear things and not make them more difficult.  If you apply this rule to many of the things that don't make sense that you have learned or wondered about and ask yourself, "does it refer to something else, is it a metaphor for something else?"  It makes the message so much bigger.
• Look at the things that have become objects and see if they are different than you thought.  This is one of many things asked - perception.  Stop separating things.
• Right now it is human beings absolute normal behaviour to separate - you separate to survive.  The biggest difference between the old and the new energy is that the old energy separated and survived because you walked in the dark, the new energy has the light turned on where you can see each other, there is no reason to separate - instead, come together.
• Easier said than done - start practicing it in ways you don't even expect.  Example: You meet a man and he is wearing a head cover - your thinking process - the headcover would indicate his belief system, perhaps where he is from, the lineage of what he might believe and what that means because you know just enough about it, he's not going to like you - and so what do you do?  Normally, you go another way.  Everything that your brain has been taught to do is to separate him from you, and your brain starts to tick off the reasoning and logic for why this is okay to do.  That is separation - survival.
• Human being - it is going to take a lot of different thinking about the way things work for you to change that - but let's pretend you have figured it out.  You meet a man with a head covering, and here's what it tells you: that in his reality it is his way of honoring the God inside him - that's it.  He believes in God, and so do you!  He honours his God so much he is not afraid of what people will think - just like you - you're not afraid of what you believe either.  You have something in common with this man. 
• Now here is what happens next - did you know that he expects you to walk away?  He's been wearing a head covering all his life and is in a society that doesn't, he's seen it over again and instead what do you do?  You shake his hand, look in his eyes, greet the God in him and you - you have commonality, you don't even have to talk about it or make friends, what do you think his reaction is?  He sees a balanced person who doesn't care if he is wearing a head covering or asking why - you just made a friend.
• Do you understand what just happened?  Not only did you change your paradigm, you changed his.  And maybe he will go from that place less apt to think that those who say they are esoteric are going to walk the other way.
• This is the beginning of a brand new set of rules, and would extend this and extend it, we could talk about countries and what they might look at that would bring other countries with them for strength instead of separation.  The new paradigm is going to demand it as a new survival.
• It is profound because he can see what is going to happen.  He can see it because he's seen it already - the potential is so strong, he knows it is there, it's not fortune telling to know a potential is 100 percent.
• You start doing this and you watch what happens.  Is the God in you able to do this?  The answer is yes.  This takes work.  When you start changing who you are, how you behave and how you react, you are rewriting your humanness - you are rewriting it - that's the invitation. 
• Never before in the history of spiritual humanity since the seeding of the planet took place have the cells of your body been more receptive to suggestion.  Suggestion of behaviour, what works and what does not work - the new balance on the planet is the paradigm of survival - that is to say, the balanced ones are the ones who are going to be seen as strong, and these are the ones who are going to survive in the chaos around them.
• In the past the ones who had chaos attracted the most attention and got what they wanted - now they will be seen as flailing children that misbehave and humanity will look for balance - individuals, systems, that make spiritual sense - and common sense.
• The New Age is also called the esoteric - there are many names for it and if you are listening to this I want you to combine these together - there are places on the places on the planet where New Age means cult - it's replaced by the words "esoteric" - and so use these both if you wish.
• There are many out there who are channeling and some of the names you have heard because they have been channeling for a long time.  This is done in full Love, not to offend or make different or wrong, but to open up possibilities that are grander than what they teach - there are many groups being channeled, many books recording these groups - Octurian, Sirius, Pleiadeans, Orion - it's confusing, I know - I know what humans think - we live with you, we hold your hand through difficulties, we cry with you, we laugh - we are your support - and then when someone comes along and you read a message and it resounds from someone channeling and you say these are my group - and you cling to it, and you put a box around it - what have you done?  You can exclude the others because that is what survival does.
• Demystified: they have a similarity - with things that are not provable, with a history of the galaxy that you might have heard from others, it is one of the most beautiful stories ever told.  A galaxy filled with love and source that had a system - four billion years old or more of a time where you could develop planets that were already there and ready for life and in this system one at a time, one planet at a time, they would have the choice to be seeded with spirituality, have their DNA changed and a test of thousands of years of whether in the process of living if they could discover the God inside.  And if they did, they had permission to go into ascension status where the physical actually melds into a multidimensionality and they become an ascended planet.
• In the process of becoming an ascended planet, they are asked then to choose one other planet in the galaxy far from theirs and seed them with their DNA.
• Where did the seeds come from?  The core of what you call God.  The first planet to do this has no name.  Took millions of years but they made it - a story we all know.
• Every single planet has to have about a million years from seeding to graduation.  You crossed the marker of decision, the point at which planets begin to understand what they are doing and what the goal is starts the clock.
• The good news is that everything you have been through for over 30,000 years on this planet slogging through old energy is over and now is the opportunity you came for - this is why you arrived here - the good news is that it doesn't matter how long it takes, you will participate in every lifetime of it.
• When you arrive as a new human, you're going to awakening and you won't just recognize your mother, you will recognize Earth and your mind within a few days will be saying, "Welcome back." This is what spiritual evolution contains - there is going to be some fast tracking going on - some masters coming back and you won't see them as masters but as inventers.
• They will bring multidimensional inventions to the planet that allow you to understand the templates of matter - if you knew the template of matter no matter what the object was, you could create it - if you had the technology to understand the template you could create what the template is.
• You will be able to do it is because you won't be interrupted by war, horror and plague.
• You have in your DNA Akashic inheritance.  Don't separate them, don't worship them - see the system for what it is and absorb them all.
• Those who channel them - tell yourself - look for the metaphors - the channeling should be pure and excellent if the channeler is doing it right.
• As you perceive the wonder of the creator, remember that this is you, your lineage is God. 
• You've got help - acknowledge it, work with it, use it.  And so it is.

"Free the Prophet - A Momentary Rift"

 

A personal note:  I don't know what to personally make of "alien" channeling.  I have actually seen, in physicality, an alien on a few occasions, and in the nature of keeping my mind open and not creating divisions - I will accept this as a possibility, but I don't have much in the way of person experience with such things - however if I discredit it, it could be to essentially shut down communication with my guides, of who I hear their calling and I keep my faith, but whose faces I don't really know - there might simply be many different names for the same sort of being, or perhaps just a large plethora of different spiritual wildlife out there that has taken notice of me. 
Ultimately, I wish to follow the instruction of my guides, and in doing so - I wish to do what is best for Life itself.  My heartfelt affirmations.  It is almost as though, as I wake, the spirit of the planet herself wakes with me, or perhaps just follows me - in the hopes or the knowledge that I wish to do something to mitigate destruction that has perhaps become unbalanced.  I am still, humbly, trying to find my "place" with this process.  What is Mine to work with, and where I have overstepped.  I call to my guides, show me.  I am listening.

I got my antibiotics a few days ago to hopefully address this infection once and for all - I was told that to commit suicide in this manner was to give up my gifts, to give up on life and what I could offer the world - it was to allow evil a chance at victory - and it was... to turn around in order to ... for once, perhaps see myself and the world at large and all those who inhabit it as innocent. 
On the way there, I rifled around in my purse and found an old fortune cookie.  The fortune?
"??? ???? ?? ???? ??????? ??? ?????? ?? ??? ????."

I wanna make it right
I wanna make you cry
I follow suit, I follow suit

 

Edited December 4, 2022 by Loba
A long one - a big download - on the nature of human evil and how to transmute this, I bring the spirit of the planet, of guides from higher dimensions, the divine gardener and the importance of interconnection in this work. Have a good one. <3

[thisintegrated]

Dear Old Souls,

 

The time has come for you to embrace unexpected benevolent change in your lives. The universe is working in your favor and the guides and angels have been with you all along. Do not give up, even in the midst of the dark night of the soul. Trust in the process and know that everything is resolving itself for the better. Embrace optimism, joy, and laughter as you move forward. The year ahead is different than the last and it is time for you to take a deep breath and trust in your intuition. Let go of old paradigms and trust in the power of the universe to guide you towards your highest good. U.B.C. - expect the unexpected and know that it is all for your benefit.

The message is that you are not alone and that you have been guided and supported by the angelic and the guides. You are entering a new phase of your spiritual journey, and it is important to stay open and receptive to unexpected benevolent change. The universe is filled with this kind of change, and it is not random or chaotic. It is a sign of intelligent design, and it is important to trust and have faith in this process. You are ready for this change, and it is time to let go of any negativity or doubt and embrace optimism, joy, and laughter. The new energy is different from the old, and it will require adjustment and adaptation. But know that the design is for things to get better, not worse. Take a deep breath and feel the difference, trust your intuition, and be open to the new.

We know that many of you have been through difficult times and may have even felt like giving up. But we want to assure you that you are not alone. The guides and angels have been with you every step of the way, even when it may not have seemed like it.

We want to offer you three initials to hold onto: U.B.C. - Unexpected Benevolent Change. This is the new operating system that is starting to shift and reboot within you. We want you to expect this change and know that you deserve it.

The key to making this change happen is to let go of any negative thoughts and beliefs. The old energy has been holding you back, but now is the time to let it go and embrace the new. Trust in the universe and know that everything is happening for a reason and with a purpose.

We also want to remind you that you are not in a vacuum and that the universe is constantly working in your favor. The snow is a sign of this - it is not random, but rather part of the intelligent design of the universe. Expect Unexpected Benevolent Change and let it guide you on your journey.

We encourage you to be optimistic, joyful, and celebratory. Let go of any past mistakes and trust in the process. The design is for things to only get better, not worse. So take a deep breath and feel the difference in the energy around you. You are ready for this change and we are here to support you every step of the way.

 

With love and light, The Guides and Angels

Edited December 9, 2022 by thisintegrated

[Loba]

Quote

On the nature of the Prima Materia - how to find it, understand it and transmute it:

The Prima Materia is a "first material", the "aether", or "chaos" - as you do this work you Will begin to See that in real-time, reality is made of an almost clay-like material that you can mold with your Will into whatever you need it to Be.  It takes a bit of work to find this material and it Will make itself known to you when you are ready to work with it.  It is not an easy material to find, one that takes honesty and an intuitive grasp to find, and once you have it - this is only the beginning of the process of transmutation.  To Seek Prima Materia is to set in chain a series of actions that lets consciousness Know you are ready to become a conscious creator on this planet.  You Will start out with something that is very dark, shadowed and has a lot of ego remnants within it - a lot of hidden cogs and gears that need a fine-tuned mechanical inspection.  To find this material and to transmute it, is to Be given the gift of creation itself - and you can make from it only as much as you can give.  This is the Law of Nature, you are only allowed so much power in this world as you are Willing to give away to others.  Interconnection is the name of the game, it always has been and always Will Be.  It is essential to work towards opening up your Heart center with as much authenticity as you can muster.  This is the material of miracles, and it Will follow you like a Willing and eager dog if you are a good and honest master.  If you are selfish or rebel against the material, if you are narcissistic and refuse to grow in accordance to it's teachings, it can turn "black" or simply vanish into the back of the Heart - waiting like a coiled snake to make itself Known when the student is once again properly aligned.

I use the video of the planet Earth at night to explain how this material looks and works.  It starts out as a dark substance, that as you develop your inner Light, it gains a golden hue to it.  This substance is Alive and Aware.  It is liquid Knowledge.  To grow it, is to understand "as above, so below" - as the world turns, you seek to understand what is outside of you as much as you do within.  Similarly to the details of the Earth - it just goes on and on downwards like a fractal - starting out so simple, so golden and pure - this living Knowledge grows in its infinitude as deeply as you Will allow it to.  How this material is harvested and how water is spread, how the Web of Life and evolution takes place is the same as what goes on inside of your Spirit.  Our golden city lights are so reminiscent of the synapses firing in your own brains.  As you take this material, you Will Be given the key into how our global connections work with the same operational system as the evolution of the human Heart, and so as you do this - your connection to yourself simultaneously becomes worldwide.  Through your Heart, you end up connecting to everyone else - the more you are Willing to do for them and the more you are Willing to show up for yourself, the more of an impact you can make on the inside and the outside.  It then becomes prophecy, within your written and spoken Word - you take on more responsibility.  If you Will allow it, it Will bring you into a state of self-awareness and balance.  The Philosopher's stone, or the Great Work - is to Be given away.  Power to the people, the divine water should Be free for All to drink.

 "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, heard, or even touched, they must be felt with the Heart." - Helen Keller

"Let there Be Life"

Quote

Fall into me
I'll fall into you
Two memories
Will be everything
So don't let it be
I'm here offering
For your company
I'd do anything

Let me swallow the sun
Ride until time is done
Let me follow the sun
Meet me where time is done

Need you
Forever

Let me swallow the sun
Ride until time is done

On the night of making my last post, I felt what I interpreted as my soul being, once again "dropped".  I felt confused but I'm not sure of the accuracy of my readings - keep in mind discernment is not my best gift and I Am still a "baby" within this line of work.  So here's what I got, what I felt, what I found - I questioned - why is the Earth and the powers that Be asking me to move in this direction?  I Am being told, "I'm sorry, I'm an idiot." And from the universe, "No one better." and "You are as good as they think you are bad."  I had wanted to disconnect out of politeness, only to be punished for it - just to find possibly the same phenomenon.  I suppose, in working with the Word, you are given more responsibility to understand the connections that bind, and you can See and Feel the cause and effect of messing with them.  My ego came up a lot that night and quite a bit the next day, flaring and falling, my mind ran a bit wild - but I was honest to myself - I apologized to the powers that work through me that I Am ever even feeling anything but gratitude for the work they are doing for me - and that my emotions are falling back on something so miniscule in comparison to what I was asked to do.  But I Am human after All.  I can't even pinpoint why it's a bothersome emotion when I'm limited Here - I ran through the gamut of angry words, frustrated emotions, back to having some common sense... I lost my Sight because of it, of which I Am hoping this honesty Will grant me, but I can See why it would be removed as you don't want someone to manifest things when in this state - I did ask to have this removed if I was not able to work with the greater good - but it is also opening me up to being manipulated by darker energies once again where I Am having a hard time Seeing the Light and Love that was offered to me by the divine.  I was told to allow these things to pass, to use each and every moment as an opportunity for growth - that things are not set in stone, but that reality posits possibilities that would provide goodness and benefit, but these things are only available so long as the person is Aware of what is there.  I was told to let it all go, that the lesson is to See the beauty in the free will of the soul.  In doing so I was gifted this invitation from nature - asked to meet it there, at the end of my time.  The Words came alight, and the sun shining through was almost alive - as it has been in the past, and through it, there is this interconnected Love that is so sweet and pure, that once you taste it - there is no going back, you Will forever Be trying to make it Yours.  And that... thought someone like me was worthy.  "Hold onto me."  It says...

I'd tried to understand why on Earth I felt upset, as I wasn't really looking to create anything with this life as I Am Now - only to build and make something for the greater good for what comes next - so - really there should be no problems.  It's one of those emotions that doesn't fully make sense to have, as even if it went well, what could I even do with it in this lifetime - I'm not sure.  Perhaps I was muddied with more expectation than I wanted to think that I had?  More Will Be opened up to me, the more I let it go.  I Am writing from the Heart - trying to move past the Mind - with the understanding that it Will open more doors.  Honesty.  Introspection.  Truth.  Keep going.  "Let Love Decide" - and through that, you allow All options to create the best outcome.  I Will continue to do my very best to be a conduit of this - to my dear Earth, thank you for the opportunity.  I Am grateful, and when I See what I've built at the end of it All, I Am sure there Will Be moments where I Am... just... in awe of what you've allowed a simple, normal person such as myself to do.  You saved me.  It was a harsh correction, but one that I Am beyond blessed to come to Know.  I Will continue to have Faith in you - I Am sorry that last night, and perhaps a bit today it has been wavering - Know that I Am just very tired, there is a lot to go through.  I Feel a mixture of emotional clouding that could possibly Be affecting my work - Greater Spirits - help me See clearly, allow me to translate with as much accuracy as I can.  Thank you.  I Am your humble scribe, your leaky vessel.

"What if you're the dumbass?"  A good question.  One that I wonder myself pretty frequently.  Probably.  I mean, I Am working in the dark here.
"Stop being emotionally triggered."  I'm trying.  And where's that global compassion I had just a day ago?  I miss it.  I'd Love to have the energy to fight for a decent world - I Am going all in, but this is part of the process.  I think... part of the dilemma is thinking that you are moving in accordance with the divine, but you can forget that even when it whittles down into one path for you, there are still more snags.  Always a snag.  And I'm quite tired.  Probably too tired to deal with another snag.  But here it is, and I must keep trying.  I've lost the interconnection that I was building.  The budding Love for All things.  Maybe tomorrow, after a night of rest I Will Be ready.  I Am sorry, that I have lost my Sight and that I Am blinded by a snag.

A Word of caution - it is better to simply call your energy back than to "cut cords" as in doing so, you might dig into something that your lower self does not have the full Sight into that your higher self might.  To cut cords is to disconnect - and this goes against what Life is about, which is connection at it's Heart - but to call your energy, if it ends up in a place you don't want it is to take steps to keep your energy clean, to keep your work from leaking into someone else's without damaging the Web of Life that keeps us all together.  As consciousness is a mirror, and each action creates a reflection, you inevitably end up cutting yourself out.  A lot of spiritual practitioners talk about cutting cords, which you should probably do for something that is malevolent - like a psychic leach, but for normal people, this is not the way.  It isn't about cutting people out, it is about developing yourself so that their actions cannot interfere/sway you off your path - but to play with the "Net", "The Grid" - it's a very complex system and one that we need to interact with mindfully.  This grid is the evolutionary net that encompasses the positive and negative feedback loops of Life, and to cut into it is to stunt it's growth and magic. 

"Build it again.  Don't give up.  Live in the Heart.  Love it All.  What goes up must come down - just wait."
I won't give up.  I have Faith.  I'm living in the Heart.  Let's do this.  Onto the next lesson.

"Transference"

"The sun is setting behind some buildings and it's my nature to write about it.  I'm compelled to grant it human form and feeling from which I can extract my own form, my own feeling.  But like the firm lines shaped by those buildings, the sun is only the sun.  I look to it because I want to see myself in the way a son looks at his father.  And that naivety is what makes a child a child and a human... human."

Transference

• Transference is a phenomenon within psychotherapy in which the "feelings, attitudes, or desires" a person had about one thing are subconsciously projected onto the here-and-now Other. It usually concerns feelings from a primary relationship during childhood. At times, this transference can be considered inappropriate. Transference was first described by Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, who considered it an important part of psychoanalytic treatment.
• It is common for people to transfer feelings about their parents to their partners or children (that is, cross-generational entanglements). Another example of transference would be a person mistrusting somebody who resembles an ex-spouse in manners, voice, or external appearance, or being overly compliant to someone who resembles a childhood friend.
• In The Psychology of the Transference, Carl Jung states that within the transference dyad both participants typically experience a variety of opposites, that in love and in psychological growth, the key to success is the ability to endure the tension of the opposites without abandoning the process, and that this tension allows one to grow and to transform.
• Only in a personally or socially harmful context can transference be described as a pathological issue. A modern, social-cognitive perspective on transference explains how it can occur in everyday life. When people meet a new person who reminds them of someone else, they unconsciously infer that the new person has traits similar to the person previously known. This perspective has generated a wealth of research that illuminated how people tend to repeat relationship patterns from the past in the present.

Clients Guide to Transference

• During transference, a person is relating to a template rather than genuinely connecting to another person.
• To end a transference pattern, one can try to actively separate the person from the template by looking for differences.
• Transference reactions usually point to a deeper issue or unfinished business from the past.
   
• What’s the problem with transference? Rather than connecting with the person, we’re relating to a template, which may be quite different from the flesh and blood in front of us. You’re treating Jane Doe like she’s your mother, or your grade school rival, or an idealized object of desire, when she’s actually none of the above—she’s Jane Doe. It prevents you from really connecting with Jane in a meaningful way.
• Note that transference is not always bad. Transference in therapy can be incredibly helpful, pointing us in the direction of unhealed wounds. It can transport therapy from lecture to laboratory.
• Fictional Reader says the “intense attachment” is uncomfortable and difficult to discuss and wants some coping strategies. A few come to mind:
  • Normalize - Some people feel ashamed for having loving, sexual, or seemingly off-the-wall feelings toward their therapist. But really, this does happen all the time. Therapists interested in relational issues and deep work expect transference of some sort to arise, and most are comfortable talking about it.
  • Talk about it - Fictional Reader is talking about it, and his therapist encourages it. Most of the time, this is all it takes to make these uncomfortable feelings more manageable and even help them diminish. Having difficulty getting started? How about: “I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable here recently, and I think it has to do with our relationship.” The therapist should know where to go next.
  • Find the root - Transference reactions usually point to some deeper issue or unfinished business from the past. Your therapist makes you angry because he reminds you of your bully cousin? You’re in a loveless marriage but you have strong feelings for your therapist? When you can identify, discuss, and work through that deeper issue, the strong reaction to the therapist should subside as well. At least that’s what the “make the unconscious conscious” theory says!
  • Look for differences - If you really feel the need to end the transference pattern, you can try to actively separate the person from the template. Is your therapist really like your mother? Probably not. Is he really your ideal lover? Nope. Make a list of a dozen ways that the person differs from the template, then discuss them with your therapist. You can also ask if the therapist is willing to disclose more information about her life to help further distinguish the two.
  • How do you want to relate? - Like so many situations, when we’re focusing on what not to do, we do just that. Don’t think of an elephant. Spend some time thinking about and discussing how you want to relate to your therapist, how you’d like it to feel, and what you imagine it would look like. Then practice.
     
• Leave, Part I - I’m definitely one for working relational issues through, but I can see two reasons to leave therapy due to transference. The first is if the therapy has no impact on the rest of your life. Let’s say you have no significant problems in relationships with friends and family (and they would agree), and you come to a CBT therapist to work through your fear of bears. Your therapist happens to be a replica of your first boyfriend and you’re so smitten and tongue-tied that you can’t get any work done on the arctophobia. This is the only time you’ve felt this way, you don’t see a need to work through your feelings regarding your first boyfriend, and this bear problem needs to be addressed before your Into the Wild re-enactment vacation in a few weeks. You might as well find another therapist. And don’t forget to pack a lunch.
• Leave, Part II - Fictional Reader mentions the “design flaw” inherent to this issue - the stronger the erotic or negative transference, the more difficult it can be to talk about it. If you’ve tried the points above and still this inhibition is so strong as to cause communication paralysis, no progress is being made. I’m not talking about Fictional Reader’s functional discomfort. I mean therapy is at a silent, excruciating standstill. If this is unbearable, it might be time to take a break, temporarily or permanently. I’ve known of clients who temporarily leave Therapist 1, go talk to Therapist 2 about the transference issues, then return to Therapist 1 when they feel unstuck. Or maybe you just want to leave for good. As always, it’s your time and your dime, you can terminate therapy whenever you want (see this).
   
• As magical as it seems, transference is really just a relationship issue. You learn more about yourself when you work on your relationships, and transference gives you the opportunity to understand plenty about your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, relationships, and fantasies. Isn’t that why you came to therapy?

Here you are again, damn how long it's been?
You're still fly
There's a familiarity I forgot about the way that you smile

Think we need a redo cause it felt too short last time
If you would agree too, think I'll keep you in my life

Even if just as homies
I wanna get to know me
Through you
You really, really know me
Better than all my homies
It's true

Think we need a redo cause it felt too short last time
If you would agree too, think I'll keep you in my life

Didn't think I'd see you anytime soon
Now that you're here, I know that I want you

Funny how that works

Divine masculine.  As a faceless energy running through allegory and metaphor.  We need a redo. It is... hard to See you when you exist within what runs through whatever Will move me "up" - and... really...  Perhaps the whole point of this is to... find new ways to work through "the tangle". I'll gladly, but sheepishly draw designs on a cardboard cutout of someone if it can help me to See where I'm ignorant... within limits of course... especially Now. I just seek... to Be safe within your beauty, and to Know you, but... I do... zig zag around a bit, trying to collect All of this together... I looked at that dude's journal recently - a peacock - the absolute strangest synchronicity with that... you mentioned to me that you amputated the wing of a white peacock a few days prior and I Knew it to be this man's ticket into something "more" - his angel's wings, for lack of a better term - in which I bargained with you to keep them both intact - as someone's free Will to move towards or against things belongs only to them - I don't fully Know why the wing was threatened to be cut, but it was... nice to See that you listened and kept their wings. Good job. Let us progress Now. "Transference." So helpful.

And to you "peacock", if I Am correct in my assessment - I think... you mistake my desire for esoteric understanding as clinging - in which case, I Will mention it again - ...I did try to remove the energy on a few occasions... I live on borrowed time and my work is to simply elevate myself in some manner that Will heal my soul, free my Spirit and make a difference - however, in the nature of "weighing things down", I do respectfully decline this judgement.  I Am trying to leave behind a trail before I pass that can allow other people to Know of the depths that they can go with this work if they just allow it to happen - because eventually if this forum continues to run there Will come a time when I stop posting and the reason Will Be due to facing mortality. And I write this with much hesitancy as the nature of Words can bind a person into a definition, and much of what I wanted to rebuke I was told is simply not The Way. I can't counter it with an opinion because it melds into a hasty judgement rooted in old patterns that quickly goes full circle.

This "One" is something that Speaks a bold yet gentle Truth into my system, one of self-Love and acceptance. Blending the two is what gives Light to the process. To follow a string of self-doubt is to fall into a path of self-oblivion.  I Know that I Am no burden, but a gift of which I seek to give to others.

To counter this with Truths I still need to See within myself: I Am not a mature person, I get obsessive, I carry a lonely Heart, at times I feel dead inside and seek to Light something within me - something that is easily blown out by the whispers a harsh inner critique, sometimes I need to change my thinking, I allow fear to gain the upper hand, and I scrape and scuffle to understand where the boundaries are - spiritually and realistically. And to write in this manner, is to fix myself more than anything else. It's nice to See you can still soar, though.

"You are experiencing it Now - detachment in action."
I keep my Faith in my work, I continue to Seek the Lord within all things.
"Just hold on... I've Seen what you can do."
My success is inevitable.
“The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.”
Nice Words... we'll See if they turn out to be True.  Something... further that my Heart can't yet quite grasp seeks to hold me, to mold me, to change me into something better - to bring me into the Light and keep me there for safekeeping.  It calls and calls... I can't look away from it - I seek to draw it ever closer.  It is... for once... as I Know it... Mine.  Disembodied it is when... the Earth and the Lord and creation and Life See that you are on their side.
"Limerence: Did You Get "BOOKMARKED" by a Romantic Manipulator?"

Maybe... Am I doing it? - The phrase lends to something, but I'll have to dig deeper - physically no, not at all.  I think from my end, it reads as some form of strong "lovebombing" from the outside in, but it is just me following a current of energy.  I'm psychic.  From their end, I am dealing with the "higher self" that is occasionally speaking/teaching things/offering protection/doesn't want to leave - the lower self is mostly unaware of this - I have delt with this person's higher self on another occasion as well over a year ago, where they opened up my Heart space/chakra - in a psychic manner, and explained aspects of my soul blueprint and where it had been tampered with - they said we were of the same group and had similarities in the blueprint that was put into our system prebirth revolving around an affinity for the "sky" - that this was a programmed "North star", so to speak - and that my destiny needed to be reinvigorated - that I was/could have used the height in order to remember aspects of myself - to Be "elevated".  Through that experience, I could feel my Heart center radiate and a nourishing Light opened up within it, but I quickly let the experience go as it felt intrusive - but it happened again recently with a different narrative behind it.  I don't know what to make of it all.  As for the "lower self", I don't really... have any intentions for.  There's nothing, really, except that I was expected to follow through with my karma on Words that I had spoken.  Beyond my Faith and my desire to do my work accurately, I Am a spiritually gifted person who's intentions aren't really being made clear.  I'm an ambivalent person who is just trying to understand the way their powers work and I get a lot of confusing "chatter" along the way.  Some of it useful, some of it not - but each thing lends to greater understanding and this is an initiation and I can't just set it down for later, that's not how it's working.  I have to... open it up.  As for this person, I Feel that their Spirit is good, and maybe in the afterlife or in another life we would have, or perhaps even are good friends, but as it is Now - All I Am being told to do is to keep the connection, to let it alone and continue towards trying to find some form of spiritual Love and Light within as a top priority - but not to mess with preestablished cords that I don't fully understand.  I'm not looking for anything... in that way.  At all.  I'm literally just following a trail of breadcrumbs.  I hope that sheds some Light on my intentions.

I don't like the idea of trespassing.  I didn't intend to wake up to this - it's like playing awakening on hard mode - it just sort of bled out that way.  I tried to remove it in order to be a Good person.  I Am confused because I Am being given a multitude of pathways to take, each one seemingly has the answers I Am looking for.  I wish to... simplify this process, I want to... free my mind and go back to the drawing board with just this divine Loving energy at hand - but faceless and Pure - so that I can keep my Faith Pure as well.  The rest of this is just confusing me.  I wouldn't even call it limerence as I don't "Feel" anything for it, and to Be honest I don't Know if I Am supposed to.  Maybe it's just some big lesson in "Love your enemy", or whatever.  I Feel stuck, with each bit of Self knowledge comes another roadblock.  I just want to do this right, but it's hard when both roads say you are wrong and right at the same time...
"Can we... give you what you need, Annie?"
Yes.
"It's not your fault. You have an abandonment wound - this activates the Mind in you and shuts down the Heart.  You should continue to Seek the Light within - to Be Aware of this mechanism within you and do not seek out a personal narrative that Wishes to recreate this form of self-harm within your system.  I Am Goodness and Love - those undermining thoughts who seek to Write into your narrative one of self-hatred and doubt do not Live by my Law nor my Words.  I Am offering you the opportunity to Seek to understand this wound so that it does not lead you astray.  This activated wound is why you Feel so strongly about a situation where you are confused about what you want - the wound itself is Speaking to you, asking to Be Seen and integrated.  It's not your fault.  Take your power back.  There is nothing wrong with you.  The biggest red flag is bad energy.  ...You are good enough.  All people are "good enough."
...Thank you.  It's nice to have a name for what was happening.  I feel like looking into this has allowed me some understanding into my psychology.  There have been many insights along the way, but I Am only allowed to share a few of them if I wish to keep my current pure.  There is nothing more to be said on this topic - I Am ready to move on... I was for a while, but I Am pressed to dig into understanding every layer until I get to the "why" of my actions.  My responsibility for the post after this Will be to dig into some of these wounds and figure out why they move me around so easily.  Not healthy.  So... I Will leave it at that.  I'm ready for "next".  Show me what you got. I Will do my best!

"Once the seed of Faith takes root it cannot Be blown away, by even the strongest wind." - Rumi

Quote

"Get your Wish"

I'll make it right again
But it's no use, you said
As my hunger grows and grows
I have to write the meaning of my life
Or else everything's in vain

When the glory tries to tempt you
It may seem like what you need
But if glory makes you happy
Why are you so broken up?

So tell me how it felt when you walked on water
Did you get your wish?
Floating to the surface
Quicker than you sank
Idol, idol

Don't say you lose just yet
Get up and move ahead
And not only for yourself
'Cause that's your role
The work that stirred your soul
You can make for someone else

One day you choke, your urges overflow
And obsession wears you down
But don't you waste the suffering you've faced
It will serve you in due time

So tell me how it felt when you walked on water
Did you get your wish?
Floating to the surface
Quicker than you sank
Idol, idol

"Opportunity delivered - are your people ready?"
Yes.  There is no glory for me, no idols - I Am one of the people and you have no face - I do not worship you, I simply record you and grow in accordance to your rules and advice.  Please read my Heart, you Know we are ready for a change.  Shelter.

And it's a long way forward, so trust in me
I'll give them shelter, like you've done for me
And I know, I'm not alone, you'll be watching over us
Until you're gone

Watching These Babies See Clearly for the First Time with Their Glasses Will Melt Your Heart

"Lightworkers - Now that's good"

I want you to know that it's our time
You and me bleed the same light
I want you to know that I'm all yours
You and me run the same course

I'm slippin' down a chain reaction
And here I go here I go here I go go
And once again I'm yours in fractions
It takes me down pulls me down pulls me down low

Our Father, who art
in Heaven. Amen!
Our Father,
Hallowed be thy name.

Give us this day our daily bread,
Forgive us of
our trespasses,
As we forgive others
Who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation, but
deliver us from the evil one forever.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven.

"I've fought for you...."
Thank you for your service.

"Ribbon on a branch"

You see aerial come alive
I seek and find
Something's whole
The dreams are back
And I'm remembering

Lost myself in you today
Lost myself in every way
I see your love in all you do
I see myself in you

The story goes on and on

Here in the woods now my friends
See you there hang a ribbon on a branch
Feel my feet on the soil
Free of trouble, free from it all

Feel the air under your feet
There's a cool breeze over me

First steps you take, best that you make
Never alone, always awake
Came to a bridge, opened the door
Saw you and more, more than before

Here in the woods now my friends
See you there hang a ribbon on a branch
Feel my feet on the soil
Free of trouble, free from it all

Together we can
Together I am
And the world is my home

Quote

"We as Human Beings are truly not in control in the greater sense of Meaning. The realization that there is so much that we do not understand and how we can only barely grasp our own full potential as well as the complexity of the infinite workings of the universe. Personal experience has led to believe that trying to control what is uncontrollable, grasp what is beyond reach is rooted in the deep dissatisfaction caused by Lack of Love. Whether that has been lacking since childhood , caused by heartbreak, a lack of Self Love, Purpose, or lack of God in any shape or form. Simply realizing this can be consoling in itself in times when we fight this feeling of unrest by attempting to numb it or by distracting ourselves without allowing yourself the chance to just Be. Without offering any solution or answer, simply communicating this universal Human need for love through music, could be enough for one to feel like “It’s ok”. You sing my heart and I am not the only one who feels this way."

Lack of Love
Oh restless soul
Try to grasp what is beyond control
Who will deliver me?

Oh restlessness
Trying to own what you/ can not possess
Who will deliver me?

When the need
To succeed goes beyond
What the love gave you

So hungry
Cause you suffer
Lack of love baby

Got a hand on me
Even after letting let go
Love ain’t easy

Got to hand it it in
Take my pride, call me sinner man
(Just like you)

Plant the seed
But don’t water it
You gimme heartache, yeh

With no light
And no ground beneath my feet
Call me rootless yeh

WHEN A THING SO SWEET
DONE TO TEAR YOU UP
FROM THE INSIDE BABY

AND NOW ALL YOU TASTE
IS BITTERSWEET
THAT'S LACK OF LOVE BABY

IT’S WHAT MY LOVE GAVE YA

My Lord, my intentions - and a few areas of confusion within this work.  I Am maintaining connections to the things you requested so that you can use them - they retain, safekeeping for later - and I Am moving past them because I cannot See you, and Seeing and Feeling you is required in order to Know where I Am going.  There are too many energies Speaking to me.  So I want to Write to you to get clear with my intentions.  I have been battling my Mind lately, it runs on it's own almost - I spend my day living life and out of the blue, negative thoughts start to well up.  I Know to manifest in this lifetime is to build upon positive thoughts, to "grow trees", as it were.  I Will keep doing that and I request your instruction every step of the way.  I have been doing some Light research on the differences of positive and negative manifestation.  I don't want control, I want to learn how to let it go.  I don't want power, or responsibility that does not belong to me.  I really don't want to create something that Will backfire and make things worse.  I don't fully understand the nature of what you are trying to bring.  I don't Know what this "garden/paradise" looks like, how it works, the functions of any of this - it just seems to sprout up from me that this seems to be the Way.  Global connection through Love is the Way - and this Way should allow freewill.  My belief in you and your work - I should not seek to worry or care about the ideals of another, as they should not for me.  You are one in the same for many, to Know you is to Know Love.  

When my Mind begins to build upon disconnection, almost seemingly on it's own, I become alarmed by this - I Know that the darkness rests right behind this layer and if I allow it to retreat into this pattern, it might Be harder to extract.  It is as though, the more my ego comes back online, the less I have to deal with dark energies, but the more I move towards Love and a sense of completion, it rises up to pull me back.  It is almost like - to remain insane tricks you into thinking this is sane, while to let go and elevate - the process of this takes on the illusion of insanity and so one seeks to go back to the Way things were because they are tricked into thinking that their old viewpoints are accurate.  And this dead-matter mechanism so hates to Be seen that it can rise up in others as well.  You can find yourself the subject of scrutiny - it is this hive-minded mechanism resting in the eyes of the Other who Sees that I Speak Truths into the nature of it's separation, and in wanting to maintain control over the narrative of it's host - it disassembles the messenger.  The more Truth you Speak, the more this can happen - it isn't the person themselves, but the parasite of separation that activates.  I Am being told there are some people who Speak ill of my work, although I remain mostly unaware of it, I Am told to simply keep going - to See the nature of how such things flare in others, and to Be humble enough to See it when it returns within myself.  Especially myself.  These past few days have been a test in endurance, as the evil, the "narcissist" within my own psychology wishes to lash out and to separate.  I reign it in.  I write to... request your support with this.  On top of this - I don't wish to manifest slavery, chains or binds - but instead the freewill that comes through Seeing your Love, and through the appreciation of the miracle of Life.  I have... opened some of the seals, but Seeing that I Am not pure, and this is a gift reserved only for the most pure - I've left alone my tampering.  I wish to mitigate global destruction.

I Am keeping my Faith.  I Know there are some creators out there who are so Good and True that they do not need any lines in order to work from - but for me, these lines help to allow me to See things that I normally would not, as I can Be myopic.  I need the Faithful advice of those who are from up on high, who Know how to build a good outcome.  My request is that humankind needs a revolution of Love.  I don't want our planet to fail.  It is alive, and I want for the Living to become the best they can Be.  I want for your plan to work out.  For humans to be united through Love, to See that this is how True communication works - in the Heart, and there won't Be a need for All of these divisive lines in order to explain what should come from the beauty of the unhidden Soul.  This planet is plagued with a selfishness that cascades out of control - a disease of the Mind that corrodes the destiny of each human.  We need help with this, in whatever way you can create - to give the gift of guidance - to connect us All not through fear or control, but through the living aware material that holds us All together, that those like myself are often too Blind to See.  I Feel shame for the nature of what I let my Heart become.  I believe that humans are ready for a change.  Before we are All swallowed up by illusion.  And finally, I ask you to help me to open my Heart.  To keep me Safe.  Hold me, mold me, Love me, Be with me.

P.S. - I Am getting signs that I need to migrate away from the forum that I use.  And at the same time, I have been initiated to Be a writer and that I need to go All the way.  I Am not attached to this forum.  I find that if I Am around for prolonged periods of time that the "collective energy" can pull me back down - it's no one's fault, it is what it is.  As of late, I have been going within - Seeing levels of myself that I've never before laid eyes on, and yet...I still worry about judgement.  But why?  Are we not All deserving of our own viewpoints?  Why should anyone else's create such disharmony within me in the way that it does?  I Will have to sit with the anxiety that judgement is a good thing, and that it might have nothing to do with me - and if it does, to See where there might Be a shadow yet unaddressed.  Go All the way.  Let it Be.  We All have a right to act in accordance to what we think is best - I wish I could understand this on a deep level, within and outwards so that everyone is allowed the freedom to Think and Feel, and that I can use these moments as learning moments.  There's an anxiety that it creates, though, and when it does I Feel quick to act instead of sitting with it long enough to Know a better move.  One move could Be to See where the person is right, or where their own judgment hits them, to Love and accept that - and send a blessing to keep the current of positive connection moving. 
I just like to use the process of the journal section mostly, combined with the cross at the bottom solidifies the reality I Am creating and allows invitation for the energetic current that I have requested to take notice to teach me.  I test out and build the first draft, and then bring it there for completion, but the energies do not affect me to the level that they used to - I Am beginning to See the purpose in most things...  and I've let go of the attachment and repetitive browsing to focus on this initiation.  To leave, to quiet myself is to disconnect - this seems to go against what this work should Be used for... I... think I might let go of doubts for a while.  In the process of mending blacks and whites to See the greys, I've allowed a lot of doubt to seep back into my life.  I need to simplify and just focus on my Faith.  It's like the story of the Chinese farmer.  It can look like good luck or bad luck, but you really just have to wait and See.

Edit:  So I followed the signs and got ready to leave this place - and used an image with the words "See you on the other side" - I decided to look and see what sort of images showed up for this and was given things such as the removal of a Light source going full circle into the infinite dark, "Give this dump truck of a woman her prize", "Gold dust dummie", and a picture of the Earth on fire with the allusion to world destruction... so I removed the message of leaving this forum and went out of my room to grab something, when I noticed a reusable bag I bought for my mother a year ago - it has a picture of the desert ecosystem on it.  The big bold words? "We are stronger together."  I come back to my computer.  The image I left on?  "She is one step ahead of us."  The roll of the dice for my video recommended?  "If you are getting this video, you are learning about discernment" and next to it a picture of a chuckling pitch dark face.  I guess that is my answer.  I also got another message that explains that the Universe is preparing me to start becoming a conscious creator and this is why I Am being tested... I shall start writing blessings into my world and work.

Forever, 
Your Little Lammie

"Listen - stop overthinking - I Will Be there."

"I see it in your blurry eyes.  You pull me in the darker night, nowhere to hide.  It's the way you're looking at me.  So much more I want you to See.  So look into my blurry eyes.  My blurry eyes.  Oh... the Light is coming down.  The Light is coming down.   On us.  The Light is coming down.  On us."

What True Love Really is:
Notes:

• The world is sick for a modest sounding reason.  We don't understand Love.  And yet we are convinced that we do.
• We talk a lot of Love, but generally in terms of a dizzying rapture lasting a few months focusing on someone's beauty, intelligence and strength.
• We have high ideals, and refer with confidence to concepts like justice, equality and rights - and yet somehow in the mix we avoid talking of the sort of Love that would give True Life to any of these.
• We are law abiding and righteous, but we are in the grandest sense in the public square without Love.
• The most convincing definitions of Love in the West have come from Jesus, which is proved unfortunate given how easy it is for rational types to confuse an overcoming of supernatural Faith with a neglect of the subject of Love.
• To move forward, we require a new philosophy of Love, in effect a powerful secular religion of Love.
• This should be read out after the news, and it's tenants taught to CEO's and supply chain managers - we should put it on t-shirts and it should be as common and more useful to say "I'm trying to learn to Love" as to announce a desire to become fit or famous.
• It's no insult to have to acknowledge that even though we inhabit a culture soaked in romanticism, we have problems understanding Love.
• And even though we have had plenty of crushes and heard plenty of songs about Love, we're still taking our first steps towards grasping what Love might actually be.

Here then are seven key ingredients of Love:

• Charity - Love means above anything else, benevolence and gentleness towards what has failed, disgraced, broken, unappealing, angry and foul in other people and in ourselves.  Love isn't about an admiration for strength, it's about directing sympathy in a most unexpected direction at what is messed up, lost and in pieces and at what we might hate, resent and be frightened of.   Anyone can express an interest in perfection, to Love is to devote an active charity towards the mistakes and aberrations.  One day we will all require the charity of others in one way or another, we'll be on our knees and we will need people to look past our evident failings in a tender search for our deeply hidden merits.
• Imagination - to Love with imagination is to look beneath the surface where there may be rage, cynicism, brittleness, or transgression and to picture the suffering and pain that got a person to this place.  To Love with imagination is to fill in the better reasons why others are behaving as they are.  Imaginative Love knows that we are all somewhere desperate, it seeks out that desperation and treats it with sorrowful gentleness.
• Kindness - There are so many fighters for social justice, so many people determined to make a better world.  They denounce their enemies, and feel certain of their cause, but along the way they have a fateful habit of forgetting to be kind.  In their denunciations of the evils of others, there is precious little mercy, humility, tenderness or grace.  It's not enough to be right or just, to be kind is to know that everyone, even sinners and in a way especially sinners deserve ongoing sympathy and mercy.  It's never simply because someone is wrong that we have any right to cease showing them the greatest kindness.
• Forgiveness - to forgive is to know that we are in our own way as guilty as the next person.  Given what we all are, we have no option but to cut each other some slack.  Of course we failed, and been hasty and less than admirable, but that's no reason forever to withhold love.  We learn to forgive when we are no longer self righteous - that is, when we are brave enough to fathom the darker sections of our own hearts.
• Loyalty - to Love means being loyal to people.  This could be ourselves, even though the crowd no longer agrees.  Outside, the mob may be jeering, but we continue on the same side, with steadfastness and an unbudgeable resilient Faith.
• Generosity - Love overflows, it isn't about Loving one person, it encompasses the Love of someone you just met, of strangers in another land, of the Earth, of plants, everything.  
• Patience - we want others to meet our hopes right now, but true Love means giving people the time to mature and develop, to go wrong, to wander in another direction, and not to shout at them, but to give them every chance to grow at their own pace towards their better selves. 
   
• If we can believe wholeheartedly in some of the above it won't matter who we vote for or what our cause is, we can count as part of what is helping. 
• We should be almost done with romantic Love by now, we should be setting our sights on the challenge of this sort of Love, yet it's not surprising if we're still only at the beginning, we're just starting on the path to being human. 

Your time will come
I know the sound
Of a champion, a champion
Your time will come
I know the sound
Of a champion, a champion

Quote

Twin Flames: Back To The Original Design | The Recalibration Of The Feminine

Notes: (I wrote in what I resonated with, some of this stuff isn't in my experience, but I am in the manner to use all forms of integration available - I'm open minded to the "alien" stuff, but it is out of my experience so I have tailored the notes to what I am working with.)

• The remembrance is how you are wired, the remembrance is not how you're treated or what others think you are but who you truly are - goes for both genders - there was a balance of responsibility.
• There was a culture that was learning about God with spiritual teachers who would give instructions on Life, and the teachers, those that were the ones to teach were female, and the ones who got the instructions were female.
• The men - a balanced society - men are wired to protect at all costs, to supply at all costs, to defend the women and the children at all costs, to stand between you and the tigers, to be the one that protects the family so that the family can exist, so that the women can give the guidance.
• Think of a society which is responsible, knows this, where the roles of the genders were absolutely respected.  We have said this before, but the men are present now to echo this that in their akash, was a remembrance of you.  An understanding and knowledge that females were built and wired for connection, Life connection.
• There was no question if there was a puzzle about what to do for the group, for the society, women would get together from all over, accompanied by the men for protection from the elements, the children were often brought along, the meeting would be assembled, the men would back away.
• This is because it was absolutely understood that women were wired for intuition, even today in the society that is dysfunctional there is the understanding of women's intuition.  It is still there.
• Men understood and respected this, they called upon the women for guidance spiritually.
• Today this is still the case in some indigenous, they never lost the instructions, but I will tell you - you would never have been able to do what you did without the other gender appreciating it, asking for it, supporting it, leading you there, helping you there, feeding you as you went, protecting you so that you could do this, which now you respect and honor and are capturing yet again.
• The unity of it, the balance of it - is what we celebrate.  And this is what you celebrate in the sisterhood is a return to the balance, that's what we said last time.  This is what you are wired for.  Not a remembrance of something that happened that you are supposed to rekindle, a remembrance of who you are and what you do.
• This goes for the men and will occur to them as they also remember in the future how good it was to trust you with decisions that you're built for.  There will come a time when society softens up a bit more, when there perhaps would be a spiritual group started where women were always the ones who gave the spiritual advice - this would grow because it worked.  Because it was soft.
• Gone would be the days when you would have and expect just one gender to lead the way, in a spiritual way or organization or church.  And it would be the women would be seen as the ones who did a better job naturally.
• Men are seated in a way that have your back.  And that is significant because that is who they are.  This was the balanced society that you are remembering. 
• We turn to the sisterhood for the women are the ones who have to rekindle this first and as you do and show this wisdom, the men will follow along for they will remember also why they protected you.  What it was about and what a balance is that is spiritual within a society.
• Can you rekindle this?  Something that is believable to you?  Suspend everything you have been told and feel it.  You see it is the akash.  There is a great deal there.  The akash remembers like the crystalline grid of the planet it is stamped with the memories that you have from the beginning.
• Don't let the specter of a long timeframe from there to here make you believe that you're going to try harder to remember it because it was too far ago.  Doesn't work that way.
• The akash is what you call a quantum energy, the word is used incorrectly.  It is a layered multidimensional remembering system.  It is non-linear.  Therefore it has nothing to do with time and everything to do with significance and emotion.
• Try to remember what it was like to be balanced and what you did there.  This is what the meeting is, to celebrate the gender balance here today.
• In the scheme of things, consciousness is not something that shifts instantly, it will happen in different forms, different ways, different cultures - and it takes different times. 
• As you listen, for your culture you may already be experiencing this very thing and in others they may not experience it for generations.
• One becomes a catalyst for the other and typically there will be those who will receive things to help others - the shift is real.
• There is an acceleration program for some people, ones who would never be listening to something like this are now doing so willingly without anyone around.
• This is what the energy creates, it literally affects that which is your akash - you start to awaken into purpose that you never thought you had before.  Things start occurring to you, beautiful things.  IS there a system that I have missed?  What is being said about it, who is talking?  And then there is that integrity that starts to tell you what you're hearing is right or wrong.
• Every single human will have a choice to accept it, to see it, or to simple walk the way they've been walking.  But the ones who will see it first, the ones who will listen to this and wonder why they are are the ones that have been on this planet for eons - that is the old soul.  Your soul is journeying through life - the soul is eternal - it never dies, it comes and goes in different kinds of situations, cultures, bodies, genders, and learns things as it goes.
• This is the time you planned for - there may be mystery right now - what is this? - and so for you, take it slow, listen carefully.  The ancients knew that human consciousness would someday awaken to a higher ethics, the beginning would be with old souls and would have the experience to see what it was.
• It's a fast track of learning, helped along by the things that we have channeled are happening, that the Earth itself and all that is upon it knows who you are and what is going on and that there are processes at work that will make this an awakening far easier because the processes are one that will avoid the dark, make it uncomfortable for those who only want the darkness in their lives and will wipe away that which you would even consider to be evil.  This is where you are, the beginning.
• There is emotion on the other side of the veil, compassion, Love, celebration and it is pure.  There are those who have sat in the extasy of God for eons, they are painted, eyes cast upwards and God inside, Light around them.
• The one who is just awakening won't have the issues you have - everything will be new, they will have decisions to make, they will not have to unlearn anything, but you will.  The hardest thing is the bias that you carry over, that tells you you know how to connect to God.
• What are you going to do if you lose it?  The connection is that which you felt in the past, you know you're connected, you can feel it.  Like looking into the eyes of an angel, you feel it, your whole cellular structure radiates and vibrates.  And that's when the epiphanies and beautiful dreams and writing and prophecies, the joy.
• You can lose the connection, you think it has been shut off - and it has not been, it simply moved, but the bias you carry is that this is what I've always done - it's coming back.  Things will settle.  It moved to a higher Light source, not too far, just over there and get the bias of the human is that God is the same, and therefore it will be the same every day and the Truth is, it's humans that change the relationship to God - therefore move over because you are expected to vibrate higher to feel that which says you can get into the Light.  Get in the Light.
• The frequency of the connection has moved.  You might say it's Higher/different.  You've had a identifiable three dimensional frequency you tune into and feel, suddenly there's layers - suddenly there is multidimensionality, suddenly in colour instead of just one - yellow.
• The Light now resonates so differently and you're still sitting in that same place in the dark because you don't want to move.
• How do I do it?: How did you do the first one?  Did you jump through hoops?  Did you climb ladders or steps?  Did you have to have lessons?  No.  You just sat there and you went into a space that said, "Dear Spirit I Am Here.  Let's talk."  You gave the invitation and over a period of time this is what took place - then the connection got more often.  You get into a certain space where you float, everything is there, it clicks into place.  What did you have to do to get there?  The answer is just expect it.
• Understand it moved.  Understand that you did nothing wrong.  And that this new energy is uncomfortable for some of you because you're just not getting that, you're still sitting in a place expecting the same thing to happen.  It got bigger.  So did you, you're just not matched up yet.
• So how do you do it?  You do the same thing you always did, first of all, change your position.  Don't even consider that it is still where you were, go to another place, perhaps even change the chair, do anything you can that tells your innate, "I'm getting ready for something different."  Then when you sit there you can do the same thing you did before, "Dear Spirit I Am Here, I have gone inside I Am ready for the connection." 
• And over time it will come to you - it's almost like you are matching Light sources, but as long as you expect your Light to be somewhere else, it's not going to happen.  
• Don't decide in advance what it is going to feel like, you think you know.  You know what it feels like to be marginally connected but you have no idea about being connected and that is the offer.
• Instead, stand in purified Light that you can't see and you have not experienced yet and you say, "Dear Spirit I Am Here, match my Light to yours."  And then don't expect something that you had before.  It's not going to overwhelm you with emotion, maybe the first one did, now it's going to overwhelm you with Truth and wisdom and appropriateness like a key in a lock.
• You will say this is good, and you will feel it in your heart, not in an overwhelming emotional way, but in a way that says, "I Am connected."  Hard to describe the difference between euphoria and being connected.
• One is an emotion, it's actually pretty much one way, put the key in the lock and the real connectivity is a two way street.
• You are being given answers, wisdom, all of these things.  You have so much help if you continue.  It will be better than it ever was.
• There are those who have stepped away and told yourself that you are frightened and worried because you can't find it again, this is an invitation for disease in your body.  Because if you are not going to stand in the Light, why exist?  You spent so much time invested in the Light you can't cross this bridge and give up, that is an invitation for unbalance.
• Being uncomfortable in this new energy is so common for old souls because now you have to drop the baggage.  What is it that you have carried around, the protection, clearing, this is new.  You can't carry around your lamp oil when you have electricity and some of you are.  It's dangerous, catches on fire.  It is dangerous to carry old baggage into new energy because you will always use it as a crutch or have expectations when it does nothing.
• Your Light in this new energy is so immense you don't need electricity or lamp oil, all you need is you, and an understanding, finally, you're connected in a way you've had dreams about.  Haven't you had the dreams where you are connected?  Shafts of Light coming through you.  And you wake up from the dream, wouldn't that be nice - it is nice, welcome to the new energy because that's you.  That was a foreteller of you in this energy.
• The Light is esoteric, you can't measure it.  But the ones who can feel it are the ones who would oppose you because no longer is there opposition to that kind of Light, they'll run from you.  You've got wisdom, power, the power of Truth and knowledge. 
• Knowledge that will create a civilization that will never war with itself.  This is who you are.  If you could connect it, your health will start to correct itself, balance is what happens when connectivity takes place.
• If you get connected the innate in your body will clean up that which is biological.  It's about that which cleans the body with compassion, understanding and Truth.  When your stress levels disappear, where disease flows away instead of into you, when you can safely walk in dark places and not be afraid because you carry your own Light.
• When the fear of that which would unbalance you goes away because you know it's not yours anymore, it doesn't belong to you anymore - there are those in the room who've accepted disease to the point where you say, "I have this."  Have you ever thought about what your body hears when you say you have this and you name something?  You've just owned it and your body heard you.  That is dangerous.  Old soul, watch what you say.  "I have magnificence, I have Light, I am working the puzzle to eliminate this, I am in the process of clearing this" - never say I have this and then name a disease or an issue or a problem because you're innate is so aware right now of your commands to it - it's almost like it is listening to every single word you say to everyone.
• It's time for you to claim that magnificence, it is going to help you to connect, believe me, you are beginning to turn on your Light.  The transition can be hard.
• These are the workings of a beginning society and the only reason that these are given as they are is to put you back there in remembrance. 
• A message of Love - today celebrate the womanhood that is Here - a wand to alert your DNA of who you are, and the design of who you are.
• The design of the genders - this is from the creative source - the design of the genders is not for procreation, that's a side effect - the design of the genders is specific for communication with Spirit.
• The males were designed to face the tiger to protect you and your children, bigger body, stronger, alert and will wake up in the middle of the night as they hear things to protect you and your children - that was the design.
• The design of the female, so specific, was the creation of Life and the wisdom and the knowledge of how to take care of it.  And then to have that intuitiveness, the gentleness, the beauty that the male did not have or recognize in order to that job of leading the rest to Spirit.
• That's the avenue you were given.  That is the design, that is the beauty of the feminine.  And it always was the original design has you in a place of communication with Spirit first, between the genders.  First.
• And the man who is protecting you from the tiger and bringing home the food counts on that and doesn't compete with it.  That's the design.  And today the design is as accurate as then.
• You may not think that you have this design in the places you are, the family you are, workplace, you may not experience it that way, but that's the design, and that has not changed.
• As you walk on this planet it is not who you were, but about today.  Can you pick up the mental of the design and in that you carry wisdom and maturity, you don't carry a bundle of energy or emotion that wants to fight the world against what you see instead the mastery of the design starts to come through you - you feel the wisdom, you know what to say and those around you feel the mother energy even if you are not a mother.
• If that is the design, then why don't you take it another step and claim it, but beyond that, use the metaphor of a temple.  Create your temple based upon the design that's still there.  It's so perfect.  Everything is to celebrate this and when you start that what happens is wisdom and maturity, a purpose.
• You become greater than the design, you add upon the design.  Pulling upon that which is your akash from the ancient past, but you don't have to do that a lot because it's built in, still there.
• What is your attitude about this?  Will you claim it to the extent you came in with it?  Will it be enhanced?  It is the enhancement and the evolvement of the design of shamanship.
• You are in touch with the creator first between the genders.  Has it been lost?  Of course... will it return?  Well that depends on those who claim the design, and that's you.
• You're going to win over the world.  Not by force, but by Love, the temple you have, the wisdom and it will be seen.  It will be seen.  And that's the promise.  Mastery is very attractive.  And that's who you are.
• Claim the temple tonight and proceed as shamans that you are - and think about the design - it has not changed, that's still who you are.  
• This is not an accident because what you are sensing is that from the creative source, incredible Love for you - and so the messages are plenty, and they talk about a new time, a new time where humanity is beginning to sense itself in such a different way.
• How could you live an entire life and not see certain things about yourself and is it really true that you could do it today and not before?  And that is the theme.  The theme is old versus new energy on the planet, and the gifts and the tools that humans have with themselves, sensing themselves, being able to help themselves in ways today they could not do yesterday.
• The premise is this - old souls on the planet will have that which is on the planet behind you, supporting you, that you never had before.
• A message about the akash: the akash has been called that which is the record of who you have been on the planet, all you have done, the emotions, the genders you have been, that which you've learned, and that which you have experienced - that is the akash.
• You could imagine with such a variety of things to sense and feel from the past - what is it you will sense and feel the most? 
• A metaphor: About the farmer.  This farmer is in the old energy, it is a metaphor about the akash.  The seeds that the farmer plants are that which is the memories and the experiences that are good, that are profound because these are the ones he wishes to have grow.  He's not interested in the other ones, they lurk there, they're there too but he knows he just wants the good stuff, he waters them accordingly, but in the old energy the planet Earth itself is not cooperative with his consciousness, for in the old energy, the Light and dark ratio is not good.  More darkness than Light.  Hard to grow plants, especially positive ones.  And then it happens.  Out come the bugs.  No matter what he does, it seems like that which is the negative side comes out - the bugs are there eating that which is profoundly good - year after year, this is his task.  Until one day someone says, "And what do you do for a living?"  And he says, "Bug control."  It's the dawn of a new day.  The energy is far far different, and out comes the farmer, and he inserts the seeds, and the first thing he notices is they sprout up like never before.  He is not doing anything different, the soil itself has changed.  And they are beautiful.  They grow far faster.  He's ready for the bugs because that's all he's done all his life and with a more robust plant, there will probably be more bugs to eat it.  He waits and waits and he realizes they are not coming.  Something has changed the very Earth itself is the insecticide.  The energy of the dirt itself will not permit those bugs to be there, and soon he sees a crop of the good things that he has planted coming to fruition.  This is the story today of your akash.  It is being taught, it is being sensed.
• When it comes to your akashic record in the old energy, you were doing bug control.  For the good things never surfaced and the things that affected you were always the negative parts, the parts that you had to stop and forgive and rewrite and reframe. 
• You don't need these anymore, and in the new energy they don't belong in you anymore.
• What is it that you have been doing lately that would allow them to remain?  Have you assigned a self-worth issue to yourself which is low and if you have, here they come - here come the bugs. 
• They don't have to be here ever again.  For what has happened is this - a shift in the energy that is taking place with you personally has given you a new soil that not is only resistant to the negative things, that doesn't want them, to raise their heads in your life, whatever you've sensed in the past, including this lifetime does not have to be yours.  It's not yours to own anymore.
• The things that are going to pop up in you allow them to are only positive.  Your akashic record is going to start feeding you the things you deserve, the good experiences you have had, how it feels to be joyful, how to rekindle the inner child, how to smile when you get up out of bed instead of dreading the day.
• It is built in to the old soul and new energy, if you allow it, it is build in that these things in your akashic record will begin to serve you.
• Past life, future promise is where it is going now.  Get ready to pull upon your akash, only the things that help you reframe your life - what's in there is profound - everything that you have learned to things that make things work for you and happen for you - the good things, not just the training, who you were or health you had, but what it's felt like to celebrate, to be happy with your life.
• The joy, it was all there.  Negativity instructs your akash to give you bugs.  Do you see how this is working?  You're in charge.  Dance around if you wish, because that is what you are going to get - the joy of a child without the burdens of the adult.
• It's time you recaptured that - it's infectious.  Laughter, joy, fun, and the lack of worry is what you deserve.  Now you are in control of the bugs, and those things that troubled you before that were difficult, that gave you that, now you call lack of self worth is going to vanish. 
• You're gunna start receiving information from your own soul and DNA, that's where the akash is, that starts to then amplify your magnificence, make you proud that you are an old soul - that you can stand up and say this is what we waited for - this is the Light.  Let's go for it!
• There's a metaphor about the gardener - about the farmer - but it's no metaphor about the energy because that's what's happening now.  Choice.  The choice to stay healthy, to be joyful, get out of fear, that says don't let the little things bother you.  The wind is at your back even if you are going through reframing, eventually the balance will be in the Light.  
• Some of you have already felt it.  All it took was for you to believe it, to understand it, to sense it.  We sit side by side, She is about to teach it tomorrow.  Congratulations for a time you never thought would come.  You might Write that down, because you will see what choice is about.  And so it is.

"Bond and Connect"

Quote

"Drawing good conclusions..."

Black Ogre is a member of the "Ogre Kachina" a class of the pantheon who were worshiped as enforcers of good behavior.

What the hell is happening? Why are we black people? But only in our reflections. This is insane. Are we in a dream? Do we got to, like, pinch ourselves or something? Why is it daylight outside? How is this happening? Forget how. We're past that. It is happening. It just is.

Yeah, no, guys, I think we found ourselves in a Quantum Leap. Hmm? What the hell's a Quantum Leap? Oh, a great show from the coke-fueled era of '80s television where Scott Bakula would leap into other people's bodies, but he didn't know it unless he saw his reflection.

Wow. Shit. Yeah, I don't know what that was. That was super weird. Okay, guys, I think I know what's happening here. I think we're in the respite of a musical, where people can get out the necessary information that doesn't fit into rhyme form. Clearly, yeah, that's what's happening. That's what's happening, right? So let's talk fast be-before another song starts. Okay, so... Okay, that's a good idea. You know what the problem is? We don't know the rules. And there's no way we're gonna figure this out until we figure out what the rules are.

What are the rules? 
When you've just turned black. 
And you can't switch back. 
Well, you got to go 
And find out the rules. 

A few nights ago, I was listening to the song above "Bond and Connect" - and the words, about how humans are designed for connection, or they will bond to the wrong things began to manifest an energy around me.  The very tall black lamp in my room began to reflect its own awareness, as did this Hopi Native American artwork that I have had in the family for as long as I have been alive.  I have had an awakening into things from looking at this lamp before - "I love lamp, bahaha" - no, but really, when an old member on this forum posted a quote that allowed me to disidentify with the labeling of objects, I used this lamp as a starting point.  When I did this, the object became inverted and almost glowed with a deep, black energy - after this, I found information on shamanism by accident and within this cleared space I became a conduit for the spirits to tell me that they handpicked me from birth for this initiation, that all roads lead to this process.  On another occasion, with this lamp - I used a flame light in it, and was told I was in a trial by fire, an uncommon process where my name was put in as a possible candidate and selected, and finally, as it came to me again a few nights ago - I realized that within this dark object, it held a Light within it - and that I should be ever so mindful as to always seek the Light within the darkness.

As for the Hopi artwork, I did some research on it, and the nature of the deity matched the description of the phenomenon that I have been trying to overcome and mitigate.  He is called Nata-aska or the "Black Ogre".  I've had this being with me - holding a God's eye portal - and never really Knowing who I allowed to watch over my space.  He is a Being of Karma - and has been watching me do moderately decent things, but a lot of really messed up things, too.  Things that went against Life, Law, and Interconnection.  I Will Be removing him from my room tomorrow, as the energy - in trying to work with it, has proven to Be verbally abusive and puts me down.  I can't really blame him, my actions did create my karma and I must take responsibility to change this outcome - but I Am not of the Hopi tribe and so it feels out of my league to take on such a Being, and on top of this, white people damaged the Hopi tribe.  I don't wish to work with Beings where my ancestors hurt and drove away the Native peoples.  My father used to own an Indian art shop, although this creation was loomed together from a kit my mother made.  It must have, over time, watched a lot of family dysfunction.  I apologized to it - to it's people and have looked into the nature of the Hopi prophecy which goes hand in hand with everything that I have been finding in my own work.  It's as though it was pure fate to finally See on some level where this "black" energy was manifesting.  My promise is to seek to continue to work with nature, to do my best not to go against it and to try to understand the connection within All things.  But this creature does not seem to Be interested in being appeased, and in working with Christ - of whom white settlers used in order to damage the traditions of the Hopi people, Nata-aska is not pleased with my choice in worship.  Understandable.  In trying to See the Light in the dark, I came to him with many different psychological stances - an apology, an olive branch, but the nature of this creature is not something that I can handle and he does not seem to want to Be on my "side" - so he has to leave my room.

My wish is that the validity and beauty of all native people's worldviews are respected and are not lost to time, as with them, they each bring a part of the puzzle of the phenomenon of Life - and how to live it properly.  To lose these lineages does humanity a great disservice in the nature of understanding the natural world.  So, although, Black Ogre, you are not amiable towards me, I See the necessity in your existence, and I Am sorry that you were given a portal into a family and a person so consistently enmired in wrong action - in a way, the discovery of you is what is leading me towards the Light - if you intended to or not, your presence has shown me a deep humility.  

"Operant conditioning"

Black Ogre

The Black Ogre (Nata-aska), and the White Ogre (Wiharu), are disciplinarians who appear around the time of the Powamuya Ceremony. Each carries a saw (sometimes a knife) as well as a bow and arrows for hunting. The males' outstanding feature is their long, flapping jaws, which they can clack quite loudly. The purpose of these Katsinam is to reinforce the Hopi way of life to the children of the Pueblo. These Ogres accompany Soyoko on her trip to collect food for the Katsinam from the children. As a means of discipline, children are told the Ogres can swallow them whole, unless they are good. The fierce and threatening behavior of these Katsinam strikes fear into the children, but they are eventually saved from imminent danger by the people of their Pueblo. Anglos would call these Katsinam Boogeymen.

God's Eye

• A God's eye (in Spanish, Ojo de Dios) is a spiritual and votive object made by weaving a design out of yarn upon a wooden cross. Often several colors are used. They are commonly found in Mexican, Peruvian people and Latin American communities, among both Indigenous and Catholic peoples.
• Ojos de Dios are common in the Pueblos of New Mexico. Often they reflect a confidence in all-seeing Providence. Some believers think the spiritual eye of the Ojos de Dios has the power to see and understand things unknown to the physical eye. During Spanish colonial times in New Mexico from the 16th to the 19th centuries, Ojos de Dios (God's Eye) were placed where people worked, or where they walked along a trail.
• The Ojo de Dios or God's eye is a ritual tool that was believed to protect those while they pray, a magical object, and an ancient cultural symbol evoking the weaving motif and its spiritual associations for the Huichol and Tepehuan Americans of western Mexico. The Huichol or Wixaritari call their God's Eyes Tsikuri, which means "the power to see and understand things unknown." When a child is born, the father weaves the central eye, then one color is added for every year of the child's life until the child reaches the age of five. Original Tepehuan Crosses are extremely rare to come by. Many are made for the tourist market, but they do not carry the same traditional and spiritual significance.
• In the traditional Huichol ranchos, the nieli'ka or nierika is an important ritual artifact. Negrín states that one of the principal meanings of "nierika" is that of "a metaphysical vision, an aspect of a god or a collective ancestor," and is the same term the Tepehuán people use to refer to deities. Negrín quotes Lumholtz as stating that for the Huichol and Tepehuan "a nierika means a picture, an appearance, or a sacred representation." The term nierika is etymologically rooted in the verb nieriya, "to see". Nierika are found in Huichol and Tepehuans' most sacred places: house shrines (xiriki), springs, caves and temples. Some Natives of northwest Mexico and throughout the southwest U.S. have had visions during peyote ceremonies in which they received guidance from gods who appeared before them in many shapes, though the eyes of the God were so intense and overwhelming that many Natives could only see the eye of the God. To show others the vision they had, they made the God's eye - woven on sticks with handspun yarn, colored with various types of berries, flowers, and other materials to capture the essence of their vision.
• Negrín states that: "The votive nierika is generally a round offering, symbolizing an ancestor and prayer offerings sanctified by the blood of a sacrificed animal." Nierika as a ritual object may be attached to votive arrows with bamboo and yarn, or wood-and-wax-embedded objects. Similarly, Lumholtz states that the nierika "evokes an ancestor, thanks it with blood offerings, and invokes its favors." The nierika may take different forms and fabrication may differ greatly: a small round or square tablet with a hole in the center covered on one or both sides with a mixture of beeswax and pine resin into which threads of yarn are pressed; when the image is not round, it may be considered a resting mat for the ancestors, or a prayer mat or itari.
• Negrín states the elaborate interwoven nierika that Lumholtz called namma (which is close to the pronunciation of Namkha) from which originated the detailed and now prized yarn paintings of the commercial art world, are now rarely if ever seen. Namma were generally rectangular or square in shape, with yarn woven onto a grid of bamboo sticks. These God's Eyes are also called by the Spanish term ojo de dios. One understanding of the ojo de dios according to Harvey is of a: "wand" (the eye) through which the eye of god will see the supplicant. Harvey states that: "The cross of the ojo de dios is that of the legendary four directions: earth, fire, water, and air."

"There is much to be skeptical of in this world, so it no longer surprises me, to learn how many people don't really believe in anything.  "What's the point?".  For many of us, the road is a difficult one, but the path is always there for us to follow, no matter how many times we may fall.  The good news is that we can help you find your way back.  Naturally, some days are...harder than others, but I must try.  We all have doubts.
The light of the mind alone cannot burn away all darkness.  Think on it, and look in your heart.  It will be for the best.  When the walls come tumbling down, when you lose everything you have, you always have family.  The fire that had kept me alive, was Love.  Their Love.  God's Love.  *Chuckles* Right.  You're not so certain.  Fair enough, we all go through periods of darkness.  Of course...in a world filled with misery and uncertainty, it is a great comfort to know that, in the end, there is light in the darkness.  In such times we can turn to the Lord, but it's good to have friends.  And the Good Lord knows there's much to be done here.  
You're a good neighbor to us.  Thank you.  Until then, God be with you."

Maybe that's the lesson here
That things are not always that clear
We have a lot in common
And too much of it
Is fear

We just learned our lesson
And we wanna go home
Our home
White home
Let's click our heels together
Whoa yeah!
And pray we leave forever

Notes:

• You're creating firebreaks and reducing fuel loads throughout the fire prone sector while also harvesting yields and creating healthy ecosystems and that's the permaculture way.
• The fires have been feeling pretty apocalyptic in recent years - the climate is changing and fire season has expanded.
• Summers are longer, hotter and dryer than they have been, strong wind events that have added up to explosive wildfire conditions.  
• The smoke has gotten crazy and fire disasters have become a new normal that we are living with, so whether you are living in Australia, Southern Europe, Siberia, or anywhere else that's been burning up, we need to understand and prepare to survive this new normal.  And permaculture design ahs a lot of helpful design strategies to make us more resilient to wildfire danger.
• So there's two important pieces to designing for wildfire defense, because before you can actually design your defensive landscape, you need to understand the most likely direction that wildfire will travel towards you from.
• Under normal fire conditions, there are three main influences on the direction and severity of a fire and those are slope, wind and fuel.
• This is common sense, heat rises, so fire will travel up slope and preheat the air and vegetation ahead of it as it burns, and fire is carried and fanned by the wind and the intensity of the fire will be determined by the type and amount of fuels present, so if there is dense inflammable vegetation there are also fire ladders where the fire can easily jump through grasses, shrubs, low trees and up into the canopies. 
• Then you've got a problem because when slope, wind and fuel are all aligned then a fire has lots of energy, fast and fatal movement, in any landscape there will be the typical wind direction during the fire season.
• In most of the Western United States, South and West winds are common during the summer and Fall fire seasons.
• These South and West facing slopes will be more dehydrated and will be able to carry fire earlier on in the season than these wetter and cooler Northeast slopes.
• But just because the wind comes from the Southwest doesn't mean that a fire can't burn up a North slope.
• A fire can burn up any one of these slopes because under normal fire conditions slope trumps wind.  Meaning that slope and fuel are actually the dominant forces in determining wildfire danger.
• Notice something about this house location - when you are on the top of a hill or ridge, fire can burn up to you from any direction.  
• So in a fire prone landscape, this is a bad place to put a house or neighborhood.
• Under normal fire conditions, we talked about how slope trumps wind and fire burns up slope as a rule, but when we have extreme fire conditions in means that we introduce very strong winds into the equation and when very strong sometimes hurricane force winds are blowing then they can actually push fires down slope with catastrophic results.
• Here we have the coastal mountains right here and then we have the valley in here, and then we have the cascade mountain range here - now mostly during the summer, we have South and Westerly winds.
• The coastal mountains facing the ocean are very wet so not a lot of fires start over there.  You can get strong winds from the West and the South during fire season with the cascade mountains sloping up in the same direction as the prevailing winds, and so most of the likely direction of fire is up these mountains.
• We have slope and wind direction aligned all on heavily forested land here, but in the summer of 2020, during the labour day fires, the winds changed direction at the wrong time and a very severe hot, dry wind came from the continent's interior and blew with hurricane force gusts over the cascade mountains and acted like a blow torch to funnel crazy strong winds down all these canyons and valleys.
• So suddenly, wind took over as the dominant force and the destruction was catastrophic - whole towns burned down and irreplicable natural areas were destroyed.
• Even the wetter coastal mountain range was not immune and a wildfire burned down slope almost to the ocean.
• Some say these winds were just a historic anomaly and others say the jet stream has been thrown out of whack by the warming of the planet and we can expect this kind of rare wind event more often.
• It's the same situation in California when hot and dry continental winds have crested the Sierra Nevada mountains and blown down electric powerlines, which have sparked fires across the region.
• This is an all new level of destruction than we have previously experienced, added to by the fact that houses and towns have spread far up into forested and highly flammable areas.
• Before we even get into permaculture design for wildfire defense you need to ask yourself if your location is survivable in the event of a megafire because the scale of what is shown is beyond what you can mitigate on a single property.
• At this point there are a lot of homes, developments and towns that are poorly placed within the macro-landscape.
• These megafires are no joke.
• Let's talk about design: figuring out the likely direction, intensity of a wildfire is the first step.  Sloped and forested areas are more at risk for wildfire, so let's start there.
• In the event that a fire is coming, it's more likely that the power grid will go down in your area and you won't have the use of electricity unless you're off the grid, so it's really smart to have a reservoir that is kept full of water throughout the dry season.  A large water tank will do.
• This drawing is diagrammatic, so don't actually place the pond directly above the house where if there was a breach it would flood the building, but you want to place it elevationaly above the house and high enough above that you can pressurize sprinklers on the roof and around the home, and also where you can have a valve that you can open and flood some sort of perimeter bason or swale around the home.
• The most important thing is that this is all non electric, we are using off grid electricity and set up in a way where you can deliver a high volume of water and wet the home area quickly, so that's why having the pond at some elevation above the structure is so important.
• How you fill that pond or tank and keep it full is going to depend on your particular site.
• Directly around the home, you don't want any flammable vegetation and you don't want to have fire ladders where you can have fire travelling up from ground level into the canopies of trees.
• So having more luscious big leaf trees for shade and food production are appropriate. 
• Around the house itself, in the direction that will likely a fire comes from, you want things that will not burn like patios, vegetable gardens, so you want to exclude things that will burn from around your house like wood piles, fencing and fuel storage and then you want to place non-flammable design elements in the direction of likely fire, like irrigated orchards, roads, driveways and parking areas, waste water treatment areas, etc. - place everything that can serve as a firebreak between your structures in the likely direction of a fire.
• It's that simple and from the permaculture perspective this means positioning your zone one highly managed elements within your fire sector.
• Then you've got to consider that in a fire it's not just the flames itself coming towards you, but it could be embers, whirling and blowing in the wind in a storm so the design of the house needs to consider surviving an ember storm.
• There are a lot of resources out there for the architectural design of house that is resistant to wildfire.
• Consider the intense heat and blowing embers that proceed the fire's arrival and make sure that your house can withstand that without igniting.
• So out from the home area, we have a different set of treatments in the wider landscape, so this is the same home and this boarder area that's in the likely direction of a wildfire is where we will look at now.
• Let's look at ways that we can break the movement of a fire and reduce the fuel load in the wider landscape.
• First off, like we mentioned previously, thinning out vegetation and removing fire ladders in one way to stop a fire from going up into the canopies of trees.
• But what do you do with all those prunings - there are a few options, one is to build a mound, essentially just a mound of wood buried by soil where the wood is pile dup along the contour and soil excavated out to bury the wood and create a big, long mound.
• Because this mound has a core of wood, over time it will break down and become a big sponge for water, so there should be conditions to grow more luscious and less flammable plant species.
• Placing it along the contour means that it will serve as a water slowing structure in the landscape and soak up extra rain water when it rains, but it can also be grazed by goats or sheep to keep down grasses during the fire season.
• You can rotate animals through all these areas as another method of keeping the fuel load down and breaking the fire ladders, and you can include fencing, maybe even fit another pond in between your home and the likely direction of a fire and if you have enough water to release below for flooding other areas during a fire then that's even more ideal.
• Another method of fuel reduction to do your own burning during the cooler rainy season when the forest or shrubland is thinned and then turn the prunings into biochar using a special biochar kiln.
• Biochar is a kind of charcoal that is used as soil amendment.
• You are taking your prunings and burning them in a special kiln that excluded oxygen during the burning process which turns the wood into a soil amendment that can then be deposited on the forest floor to improve the soils' health and water holding capacity.
• Spongey healthy soil will also help to reduce the risk of fire by holding more moisture in the system for longer times, so basically you are creating fire breaks and reducing fuel loads throughout the fire prone sector while also harvesting yields and creating healthy ecosystems.
• If you live in a remote, rural area - have an evacuation route planned into your overall design site that's away from the likely direction of fire - the last resort is to have an underground bunker to wait out the fire.

"Can you tell why spiders hesitate to eat these moths?"

Quote

Hush, don't speak
When you spit your venom, keep it shut I hate it
When you hiss and preach
About your new messiah 'cause your theories catch fire
I can't find your silver lining
I don't mean to judge
But when you read your speech, it's tiring
Enough is enough

I'm covering my ears like a kid
When your words mean nothing, I go la la la
I'm turning up the volume when you speak
'Cause if my heart can't stop it
I find a way to block it

I have a silver lining - my Words mean the World to me.  All I Know is that there is more to Be uncovered.  You're just a... harsher critic... I accept this.  To keep going is to Know, if I let go, then I Will fail..  And of course you don't like my "new God" as it was one who damaged your people.  And for this I Am sorry.  My Words are not empty, they are half and half, as my Heart isn't fully opened yet.  You seem to Be a creature of scorn.  So... in some sense, I reverse the judgement... respectfully, as your Words have been pure venom - and I would counter it with a block of my own, except that I Am asked to contend Now with All viewpoints.  Perhaps there is more wisdom in your judgement that I have not yet come to understand.
I choose to allow your unfavourable judgement of me - In which case, this should show some sense of honesty within my work - in that I won't drown out what doesn't look "pretty" - on top of this, my mother has come home and called me a "piece of shit" because I have been spending more time in my room - I keep my dog with me, she sleeps for large portions of the day, but I let her roam when she is active.  My mother is always making me feel like a bad owner despite doing as best as I can - and she is the one who wishes to put down her healthy senior dog because it is inconvenient - and yet I Am this terrible person for latching onto something that I need to work out with myself.  And when being spiritually attacked, the darkness took note of how well I treat my dog - so if evil thinks I Am doing a good job, then I must Be.  She doesn't understand my work - it All about "give and take" in the sense of what she can dictate for other people to Be doing at the expense of their personal wellbeing.  She often tells me how she wishes she would have left me on the street - just for my dog maybe chewing up a tissue - and takes out her frustration on me, while I Am trying to change in the midst of someone who is always triggering me.  And so, sometimes I lose myself, but I Am still trying.  Despite illness, despite an abusive upbringing - I want to bring about a change in myself that is genuine.  So... I reach out, and I discuss this "new Messiah" - which - so you Know, we are All under the same creator.  I don't seek anything that is different from the stories of your people.  I seek to work with and understand the inherent laws of nature of which you are a part.

As you Feel this for my work - I Feel this for a mother who does not See me - to block Words that mean nothing.  So... you See... we are the same.

"Fool's paradise" 
That may Be so.  I Will See All sides to this - I leave room for being wrong, for allowing the opportunity to grow from my mistakes.  But Love, Compassion, Interconnection, Global respect, Understanding Karma, and ultimately Seeing the source of this - You - tells me that I Am doing well.  You can't scare me - I Am loyal and I Will not stray.

Don't you know

They're talking about a revolution?
It sounds like a whisper
Don't you know
Talking about a revolution?
It sounds like a whisper

And finally the tables are starting to turn
Talkin' 'bout a revolution
Yes, finally the tables are starting to turn

"Let Love decide."

The Story Behind Naughty Boy

• It all starts with the difficult life of an 8 year old deaf boy, who is in the care of his violent and alcoholic father, until one day he decides to run away; On the street, he meets a homeless dog who becomes his best friend.
• As days go by, the boy discovers that he has a gift, he can perceive evil and also has the power to make it stop.
• The first person he helped was an old man, who was constantly humiliated by the children and adults, people threw stones at him and constantly made fun of him. When the child felt the evil, he faced the old man’s attackers and shouted as if an earthquake was born from his mouth, everyone present ran away, and the grateful man decided to follow the child on his aimless journey.
• Fate led them to meet a deformed man who had been part of a satanic sect. When he wanted to get out of it, a demon named “The Uncle” had disfigured his face out of revenge. It is said that this demon has the appearance of a goat with human features, he lives in a cave in the desert, where he whispers the evil that exists in the world, the people who have heard that infernal voice, cannot understand what he says, but they remain crazy for life…
• The boy and his friends went to the devil’s lair to fight him. As they stood in front of the entrance to the cave, the adults were already beginning to hear the horrible whispers of the evil being and were beginning to lose their minds, so they decided to leave before the damage was permanent.
• The child entered the cave alone, from which he never came out, yet it is said that the child continues to fight evil, for when people approach the gloomy place you can still hear the empowering cry of a child.

I choose not to enter a cave to reside in permanently, but the forests of Eden - perhaps from there I can do my best.  I like this story, though, it reminds me of what is required when transmuting the energies of evil.

Hopi Prophecy

We Hopi believe that the human race has passed through three different worlds and life ways since the beginning. At the end of each prior world, human life has been purified or punished by the Great Spirit Massauu due mainly to corruption, greed, and turning away from the Great Spirit's teachings.

The last great destruction was the flood which destroyed all but a few faithful ones who received a permission from the Great Spirit to live with Him in this new land. The Great Spirit said, "It is up to you, if you are willing to live my poor, humble, and simple life way. It is hard but, if you agree to live according to my teachings and instructions, if you never lose faith in the life I shall give you, you may come and live with me." The Hopi and all who were saved from the great flood made a sacred covenant with the Great Spirit at that time. We Hopi made an oath that we will never turn away from Him. For us the Creator's laws never change or break down.

To the Hopi the Great Spirit is all powerful. He appeared to the first people as a man and talked with them in the beginning of the creation of this world. He taught us how to live, to worship, where to go and what food to carry, gave us seeds to plant and harvest. He gave us a set of sacred stone tablets into which He breathed all teachings in order to safeguard his land and life. In these stone tablets were made instructions and prophecies and warnings. This was done with the help of Spider Woman. Before the Great Spirit went into hiding, He and Spider Woman put before the leaders of the different groups of people many colors and sizes of corn for them to choose their food in this world. The Hopi was the last to pick. The Hopi then chose the smallest ear of corn. Then Massauu said, "You have shown me you are wise and humble. For this reason you will be called Hopi (people of peace)."

It was to Spider Woman's two grandsons the sacred stone tablets were given. These two brothers were instructed to carry them to a place the Great Spirit had instructed them. The older brother was to go immediately to the east, to the rising sun and upon reaching his destination was instructed to immediately start to look for his younger brother who shall remain in the land of the Great Spirit. The older brother's mission when he returned was to help his younger brother (Hopi) bring about peace, brotherhood and everlasting life.

Hopi, the younger brother, was instructed to cover all land and mark it well with footprints and sacred markings to claim this land for the Creator and peace on earth. We established our ceremonials and sacred shrines to hold this world in balance in accordance with our first promise to the Creator. This is how our migration story goes, until we met the Creator at Old Oraibi (place that solidifies) over 1000 years ago. It was at that meeting when he gave to us these prophecies to give to you now at this closing of the Fourth World of destruction and the beginning of the Fifth World of peace.

He gave us many prophecies to pass on to you, and all have come to pass. This is how we know the timing is now to reveal the last warnings and instructions to mankind. We were told to settle permanently here in Hopiland where we met the Great Spirit and to wait for Older Brother, who went east, to return to us. When he returns to this land he will place his stone tablets side by side to show all the world that they are our true brothers -- when the road in the sky has been fulfilled and when the inventing of something, in Hopi means, gourd of ashes, a gourd that, when it drops upon the earth will boil everything within a large space and nothing will grow for a very long time.

We were told that three helpers who were commissioned by the Great Spirit to help Hopi bring about the peaceful life on earth would appear to help us and that we should not change our homes, our ceremonials, our hair, because the true helpers might not recognize us as the true Hopi. So we have been waiting all these years.

It is known that our True White Brother, when he comes, will be all powerful and will wear a red cap or red cloak. He will be large in population and belong to no religion but his very own. He will bring with him the sacred stone tablets. With him there will be two great ones, both very wise and powerful. One will have a symbol or sign of the swastika, which represents purity and is Female, a producer of life. The third one or the second one of the two helpers to our True White Brother will have a sign of a symbol of the sun. He, too, will be many people and very wise and powerful. [One will have the symbol of the moja, or cross.] We have in our sacred Kachina ceremonies a gourd rattle which is still in use today with these symbols of these powerful helpers of our True Brother.

It is also prophesied that, if these three fail to fulfill their mission, then the one from the west will come like a big storm. He will be many in numbers and unmerciful. When he comes he will cover the land like the red ants and overtake this land in one day. If the three helpers chosen by the Creator fulfill their sacred mission, and even if there are only one, two, or three of the true Hopi who remain holding fast to the last ancient teaching and instructions the Great Spirit, Massauu will appear before all, and our world will be saved. The three will lay our a new life plan which leads to everlasting life and peace. The earth will become new as it was from the beginning. Flowers will bloom again, wild game will return to barren lands, and there will be abundance of food for all. Those who are saved will share everything equally and they all will recognize Great Spirit and speak one language.

We are now faced with great problems, not only here but throughout the land. Ancient cultures are being annihilated. Our people's lands are being taken from them, leaving them no place to call their own. Why is this happening? It is happening because many have given up or manipulated their original spiritual teachings. The way of life which the Great Spirit has given to all people of the world, whatever your original instructions, are not being honored. It is because of this great sickness called greed, which infects every land and country, that simple people are losing what they have kept for thousands of years.

Now we are at the very end of our trail. Many people no longer recognize the true path of the Great Spirit. They have, in fact, no respect for the Great Spirit or for our precious Mother Earth, who gives us all life. We were told that someone would try to go up to the moon, that they would bring something back from the moon, and that after that nature would show signs of losing its balance. Now we see that coming about. All over the world, there are now many signs that nature is no longer in balance. Floods, drought, earthquakes, and great storms are occurring constantly and causing much suffering. We do not want this to occur in our country, and we pray to the Great Spirit to save us from such things. But there are now signs that this very same thing might happen very soon on our own land.

Now we must look upon each other as brothers and sisters. There is no more time for divisions among people. Today I call upon all of us, from right here at home, Hotevilla, where we too are guilty of gossiping and causing divisions even among our own families, out to the entire world where thievery, war, and lying go on every day. These divisions will not be our salvation. Wars only bring more wars, never peace. Only by joining together in a Spiritual Peace with love in our hearts for one another, love in our hearts for the Great Spirit and Mother Earth, shall we be saved from the terrible Purification Day which is just ahead.

There are many of you in this world who are honest people. We know you spiritually for we are the Men's Society Grandfathers who have been charged to pray for you and all life on earth, never forgetting anything or anyone in our ceremonials. Our prayer is to have a good happy life, plenty of soft gentle rain for abundant crops. We pray for balance on earth to live in peace and leave a beautiful world to the children yet to come. We know you have good hearts, but good hearts are not enough to help us out with these great problems. In the past, some of you have tried to help us Hopis, and we will always be thankful for you efforts. But now we need your help in the worst way.

Where is the freedom which you all fight for and sacrifice your children for? Is it only the Indian people who have lost, or are all Americans losing the very thing which you originally came here to find? We don't share the freedom of the press because what gets into the papers is what the government wants people to believe, not what is really happening. We have no freedom of speech, because we are persecuted by our own people for speaking our beliefs.

We are at the final stages now, and there is a last force that is about to take away our remaining homeland. We are still being denied many things including the right to be Hopis and to make our living in accordance with our religious teachings. The Hopi leaders have warned leaders in the White House and the leaders in the Glass House[the United Nations] but they do not listen. So as our prophecy says then it must be up to the people with good pure hearts that will not be afraid to help us to fulfill our destiny in peace for this world. We now stand at a crossroad whether to lead ourselves in everlasting life or total destruction. We believe that human beings' spiritual power through prayer is so strong that it decides life on earth.

Many times people have asked how they can help us. Now I hope and pray that your help will come. If you have a way to spread the truth, through the newspapers, radio, books, through meeting with powerful people, tell the truth! Tell them what you know to be true. Tell them what you have seen here, what you have heard us say; what you have seen with your own eyes. In this way, if we do fall, let it be said that we tried, right up to the end, to hold fast to the path of peace as we were originally instructed to do by the Great Spirit.

Should you really succeed, we will all realize our mistakes of the past and return to the true path -- living in harmony as brothers and sisters, sharing our Mother, the Earth with all other living creatures. In this way we could bring about a new world, a world which would be led by the Great Spirit, and our Mother will provide plenty and happiness for all.

God bless you, each one of you and know our prayers for peace meet yours as the sun rises and sets. May the Great Spirit guide you safely into the path of love, peace, and freedom. May the holy ancestors of love and light keep you safe in your land and homes. Pray for God to give you something important to do in this great work which lies ahead of us all to bring peace on earth.

We, the Hopi, hold the sacred stone tablets and now await the coming of our True White Brother and others seriously ready to work for the Creator's peace on earth. Be well, my children, and think good thoughts of peace and togetherness. Peace for all life on earth and peace with one another in our homes, families and countries. We are not so different in the Creator's eyes. The same great Father Sun shines his love on each of us daily just as Mother Earth prepares the substance for our table, do they not? We are one after all."

Hopi spiritual leaders had an ancient prophecy that some day world leaders would gather in a Great House of Mica with rules and regulations to solve the world problems without war. I am amazed to see the prophecy has come true and you are here today! But only a handful of United Nations Delegates are present to hear the Motee Sinom (Hopi for First People) from around the world who spoke here today.

The traditional Hopi follows the spiritual path that was given to us by Massau'u the Great Spirit. We made a sacred covenant to follow his life plan at all times, which includes the responsibility of taking care of this land and life for his divine purpose. We have never made treaties with any foreign nation, including the United States, but for many centuries we have honored this sacred agreement. Our goals are not to gain political control, monetary wealth nor military power, but rather to pray and to promote the welfare of all living beings and to preserve the world in a natural way. We still have our ancient sacred stone tablets and spiritual religious societies which are the foundations of the Hopi way of life. Our history says our white brother should have retained those same sacred objects and spiritual foundations.

In 1948, all traditional Hopi spiritual leaders met and spoke of things I felt strongly were of great importance to all people. They selected four interpreters to carry their message of which I am the only one still living today. I made a commitment to carry the Hopi message of peace and deliver warnings from prophecies known since the time the previous world was destroyed by flood and our ancestors came to this land.

At the meeting in 1948, Hopi leaders 80, 90 and even 100 years old explained that the creator made the first world in perfect balance where humans spoke one language, but humans turned away from moral and spiritual principles. They misused their spiritual powers for selfish purposes. They did not follow nature's rules. Eventually the world was destroyed by sinking of land and separation of land by what you would call major earthquakes. Only a handful survived.

Then this handful of peaceful people came into the second world. They repeated their mistakes, and the world was destroyed by freezing, which you call the great Ice Age.

The few survivors entered the third world. That world lasted a long time, and as in previous worlds, the people spoke one language. The people invented many machines and conveniences of high technology, some of which have not yet been seen in this age. They even had spiritual powers that they used for good. They gradually turned away from natural laws and pursued only material things and finally only gambled while they ridiculed spiritual principles. No one stopped them from this course, and the world was destroyed by the great flood that many nations still recall in their ancient history or in their religions.

The Elders said again only small groups escaped and came to this fourth world where we now live. Our world is in terrible shape again even though the Great Spirit gave us different languages and sent us to four corners of the world and told us to take care the Earth and all that is in it.

This Hopi ceremonial rattle represents Mother Earth. The line running around it is a time line and indicates that we are in the final days of the prophecy. What have you, as individuals, as nations and as the world body been doing to take care of this Earth? In the Earth today, humans poison their own food, water and air with pollution. Many of us, including children, are left to starve. Many wars are still being fought. Greed and concern for material things is a common disease. In this western hemisphere, our homeland, many original native people are landless, homeless, starving and have no medical help.

The Hopi knew humans would develop many powerful technologies that would be abused. In this century, we have seen the First World War and the Second World War in which the predicted gourd of ashes, which you call the atomic bomb, fell from the sky with great destruction. Many thousands of people were destroyed in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

For many years there has been great fear and danger of World War Three. The Hopi believe the Persian Gulf War was the beginning of World War Three, but it was stopped, and the worst weapons of destruction were not used. This is now a time to weigh the choices for our future. We do have a choice. If you, the nations of this Earth, create another great war, the Hopi believe we humans will burn ourselves to death with ashes. That's why the spiritual Elders stress strongly that the United Nations fully open the door for native spiritual leaders as soon as possible.

Nature itself does not speak with a voice that we can easily understand. Neither can the animals and birds we are threatening with extinction talk to us. Who in this world can speak for nature and the spiritual energy that creates and flows through all life? In every continent are human beings who are like you but who have not separated themselves from the land and from nature. It is through their voice that Nature can speak to us. You have heard those voices and many messages from the four corners of the world today. I have studied comparative religion, and I think in your own nations and cultures you have knowledge of the consequences of living out of balance with nature and spirit. The native peoples of the world have seen and spoken to you about the destruction of their lives and homelands, the ruination of nature and the desecration of their sacred sites. It is time the United Nations used its rules to investigate these occurrences and stop them now.

The Four Corners area is bordered by four sacred mountains. The spiritual center within is a sacred site. Our prophecies say it will have special purpose in the future for mankind to survive and now should be left in its natural state. All nations must protect this spiritual center.

The Hopi and all original native people hold the land in balance by prayer, fasting and performing ceremonies. Our spiritual Elders still hold the land in the Western Hemisphere in balance for all living beings, including humans. No one should be relocated from their sacred homelands in this Western Hemisphere or anywhere in the world.

Nature, the First People and the spirit of our ancestors are giving you loud warnings. You see increasing floods, more damaging hurricanes, hail storms, climate changes and earthquakes as our prophecies said would come. Even animals and birds are warning us with strange change in their behavior such as the beaching of whales. Why do animals act like they know about the earth's problems and most humans act like they know nothing? If we humans do not wake up to the warnings, the great purification will come to destroy this world just as the previous worlds were destroyed.

This rock drawing shows part of the Hopi prophecy. There are two paths. The first with technology but separate from natural and spiritual law leads to these jagged lines representing chaos. The lower path is one that remains in harmony with natural law. Here we see a line that represents a choice like a bridge joining the paths. If we return to spiritual harmony and live from our hearts, we can experience a paradise in this world. If we continue only on this upper path, we will come to destruction.

It's up to all of us, as children of Mother Earth, to clean up this messbefore it's too late.

The Elders request that during this International Year for the World's Indigenous Peoples, the United Nations keep that door open for spiritual leaders from the four corners of the world to come to speak to you for more than a few minutes as soon as possible.

If any of you leaders want to learn more about the spiritual vision and power of the Elders, I invite you to come out to Hopiland and sit down with our real spiritual leaders in their sacred Kivas where they will reveal the ancient secrets of survival and balance.

The Hopi way is to lead a good life and through our ceremonials and mediations, we take care of this land and life. We still have the sacred stone tablets given to us by the Spider Woman. This is our title and deed to this world, and it was given to us with the life plan to follow, and with strong instructions and serious warnings. It was a good life. When the rains came and brought a lot of moisture, then our crops would yield enough for all living beings, including the ants, animals, birds, plants and human kind.

Before leaving the previous world, we came up here to ask permission from the Great Spirit, Massau'u, if we could live here with him because the world down below had become corrupted. He told the people, 'It is up to you if you are willing to live with full respect for my way of life.' They said, 'Yes we are willing to live your way.' So with his consent we came here, into this new world. This world is where the Great Spirit, Massau'u, first appeared to all first peoples and gave them their instructions and rules to follow. Then the Spider Woman laid before them ears of corn of different colors from which to take their sustenance and livelihood. The greediest people hurried to pick out the longest ears. But the Hopi, being the most humble, waited until last and chose the shortest ears of corn. Spider Woman then gave each group of people their own language and name and told them to migrate to every corner of this continent leaving their footprints, clan markings, and ruins to claim this land.

Before the migrating peoples arrived at the place where the Great Spirit, Massau'u, lives, he used to take walks nearby his home. Coming back home, bringing back violet flowers, he dropped them along the way. After discovering he had dropped the violet flowers, he went back to look for them, but the flowers had already been found by the Horny Toad Woman. The Great Spirit, Massau'u, asked if she would give it back but the Horny Toad Woman refused. Instead, she told him that in time there would be a crisis in this world, with which he would need help. At that time she would be there with her steel helmet to help. Meaning that someday if the Hopi got into trouble, a group of people with the steel helmet would help them.

The Great Spirit, Massau'u, let the first group who had found him live there with him and settle down. Each subsequent group of people who came to settle in Oraibi after their migrations were allowed to stay based on judgment of their character and how they had traveled when they were searching for the Great Spirit, Massau'u. Those who were boastful and arrogant were sent away to the east. Those of humble and sincere hearts were allowed to stay and keep the ceremonials in the proper manner to ensure rain for the crops and all living things. After this was settled, all the things that were to come were told to the first people in Oraibi by the first people that came from the underworld.

The people were told of another race of people who would come to this land and claim it as their own land. We were told not to accept anything these people would offer to us, but it will tempt us and be hard to resist. They would be intelligent and the inventors of many things. Now we realize that these people are the light-skinned people, the Bahanas. We were told of something that would come that would be pulled by animals, meaning wagons or carts. And ones that would run very fast, meaning automobiles. We were told of the land being cut up by long roads and fences, and of highways that would be built in the sky. And that women would adopt male clothing. And that the secret of women, with clothing, covered, would no longer be secret, but be revealed and exposed.

When this happens, all the world leaders and all the people will be corrupted and will not know whom to look to for direction to correct this corruption. When all this happens, it will mean that we are all nearing the end. Then the wars will come about like powerful winds, and will spread from country to country and bring Purification or Destruction to this world. The more we turn away from the instructions of the Great Spirit, the more signs we see in the form of earthquakes, floods, drought, fires, tornadoes, as Nature makes ready her revenge. All of this will happen at one time along with the wars and corruption. We see this now as young children become angry, killing each other and their parents. They show no respect. We are all corrupt. If this Purification does not materialize, then the world will turn over 4 times and will leave only ants here to start a new life. Before people came to this world they were sick, just as today, we are sick from all this corruption. Now we are seeking a way to solve our present situation. This is the last world, we are not going anywhere from here. If we destroy this, the highest world, we will be given no other chances.

Let us consider this matter seriously so that this world is not destroyed, so that we can continue to live and save this land and life for the generations to come.

Stay close to the river and cry
And the river's gonna feel you're the god of rain
He's gonna worship you like god and creator for ages
And all the fairies of the forest will come
The wanna show you the dance of night
This is the Age of Aquarius
I'm coming out of river
Breathing out, I'm finally reborn
Rain is falling to the shore
Dawn is coming, the night is almost gone

I came from where the Leo is rising
I've travelled through the space for so long
A forest nymph is calling for me
Come along and I will guide where to go

We ran to the mountain
We've found an ancient temple with my name
Then she bowed and said these words
We were waiting here a thousand years for you

Now you must do something
To bring the light
Now you must do something
To change the world

Age of Aquarius

Returning again to mother earth
To set the fire and rain
I'm turning again the circles of time
To bring the sun back again

When it's 2022 but you go to a party dressed as blackface, anyways.  

Notes:

• God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies.  So that means God will not only make your wrongs right but he will bless you in front of your enemies.
• God could promote you anywhere, but he will give you honor, recognition, favor in front of the people that tried to pull you down.
• That person that's lying about you tried to keep you from rising higher, but don't worry about it.  One day, they'll see you rejoicing.  
• It's not going to be just you, there's going to be some onlookers, those who have tried to push you down, they're watching you get promoted, watching you accomplish your dreams.  All these people that come against us to get us upset, people who talk gossip, spreading rumours, not giving you respect, those are all distractions.
• That's the enemy trying to lure us, to get us bent out of shape, to waste valuable time and energy on something that doesn't even matter.
• Don't give them the time of day, that's not a battle that you're supposed to fight.  Stay on the high road, and God will bring it under your feet.  He will make those enemies your footstool.  Let them judge and misunderstand and gossip about you.  Their opinions are not your problems, just stay calm.
• Stay committed to Love and freedom in authenticity.  No matter what you do or say, you don't doubt your worth or the beauty of your Truth.  Just keep shining like you always do.
• Let them say what they want - focus on your goal, not on their taunts.  Keep going, so no matter how bad things are right now, no matter how stuck you feel or how many days you cry, days you spend wishing things were different, no matter how hopeless and depressed you feel, you won't feel this way forever.  Keep going.
• Not everybody will be able to appreciate the good in you, some people are too used to arguing and drama to value that simplicity of a good thing.  So refuse to be offended.
• When people ignore or are mean or rude to you, they're simply showing themselves, they're telling you what's within themselves and not what's within you.
• Don't waste words on people who deserve your silence, sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all.
• The Bible tells us that God will make your enemies your footstool because God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies.  Sometimes you need God given enemies to elevate you to the next level of your calling.
• The Lord said unto my Lord, sit down at my right hand until I make thine enemies thy footstool - the Lord shall send the rod of thy strength out of Zion.  Rule thou in the midst of thine enemies.
• Whenever you're heavy laden with worries or cares, weighed down by the yoke of the law or in the midst of any enemy that is weighing you down, go to Jesus and you will find rest in him.
• God has promised that he will deal with your enemies.
• Sing, O barren, you who have not borne!  Breath forth into singing and cry aloud.  You who have not laboured with child.  For more are the children of the desolate than the children of that married woman. 
• Enlarge the place of your tent and let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings - do not spare - lengthen your cords - and strengthen your stakes.  For you shall expand to the right and to the left and your descendants will inherit the nations and make the desolate cities inhabited. 
• Do not fear for you will not be ashamed - neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame.  For you will forget the shame of your youth and will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.
• For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name, and your redeemer is the Holy one is Israel: He is called the god of the whole Earth.
• Jesus has defeated the enemies and God is telling the barren woman to rejoice.  This barren woman is someone who has not seen results, this is someone who has not seen signs of health in her body or signs of abundance in her situation.  Imagine what people say about her?  Her in-laws, friends, and even her family.
• But God is saying here, sing now and prepare for your blessing.  Enlarge your tent and prepare for your growth.  Do not spare, expand your territory and your descendants will inherit the nations.
• Keep the right perspective.  I will look down in triumph on all of my enemies, not some of my enemies but all of my enemies.
• You may be facing situations that don't feel like they are under your feet yet, we are walking by Faith and not by sight. 
• You are more than a conqueror.  Greater is he that's in you, than he that comes against you.
• God has all the power, and if God be fore you, who dare be against you?  Change your perspective.  You are not weak.  You are full of power.  The same spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives on the inside of you.
• The first place we lose victory is in our own thinking.  If you look at a situation in the natural in how people discourage you, and look down on you, and let these thoughts get to you then you won't succeed.  Quit telling yourself it is too much, that you can't handle it.  No.  The greatest force in the universe is breathing in your direction and if you want God to make your enemy your footstool, you have to be still and know that he is God.
• When you're living upset and trying to force things to happen, let you do it on your own, it takes Faith to say, "God I know you are fighting my battles, I know you make my wrongs right - you promised it will work out for my good so I am going to keep my joy and stay in peace."
• God can vindicate you better than you can vindicate yourself.  if you will let God do it his way it will be bigger, sweeter, more rewarding, more honoring.  God can take the very people who are trying to push you down, the people that are trying to make you look bad, he can use them to promote you.
• And when you are tempted to worry, to get upset, just imagine yourself leaning back in a comfortable chair putting your feet up and resting on top of them - you are saying God, it's under my feet now, I know you're in control.
• And when you're in peace, it's a position of power.  And when you are at rest, God's fighting your battles.  So therefore whatever you are facing, it is under your feet.
• It's not permanent.  It's temporary.  The power that is in you is greater than any power that comes against you, so keep the right perspective.  You and God are a majority.  

"Rain on Me"

Livin' in a world where no one's innocent
Oh, but at least we try, mmh
Gotta live my truth, not keep it bottled in
So I don't lose my mind, baby, yeah

I can feel it on my skin (It's coming down on me)
Teardrops on my face (Water like misery)
Let it wash away my sins (It's coming down on me)
Let it wash away, yeah

Hands up to the sky
I'll be your galaxy
I'm about to fly
Rain on me, tsunami

Hands up to the sky
I'll be your galaxy
I'm about to fly
Rain on me 

Quote

"Recalibration of the feminine"

Tempered Glass

Tempered or toughened glass is a type of safety glass processed by controlled thermal or chemical treatments to increase its strength compared with normal glass. Tempering puts the outer surfaces into compression and the interior into tension. Such stresses cause the glass, when broken, to shatter into small granular chunks instead of splintering into jagged shards as ordinary annealed glass does. The granular chunks are less likely to cause injury.

Tempered glass is used for its safety and strength in a variety of applications, including passenger vehicle windows, shower doors, aquariums, architectural glass doors and tables, refrigerator trays, mobile phone screen protectors, bulletproof glass components, diving masks, and plates and cookware.

There's a darkness that has tried to swallow me
I haven't seen the light for days
I've been running for so long
Fear racing through my bones
'Til You brought me to this place

Safe, I'm finally safe
I can hide here, I can hide here
Safe, You hold me safe
I'm okay here, I'm okay here
Completely safe

There's no shadow, there's no shame
No need to numb the pain
There's nothing to explain
Only kindness with no boundaries
Mercy that surrounds me
Love that sings my name

"Shape of you - pure heart - can you Hear me - you've got a friend in me."
I Am glad you think so.  It Will take more work to continue to purify it.  It was... a lot of work to get it to this level of purification, and I Know there is more to do - I hope, in due time, when the stars align that it Will open up. 

Quote

"I can almost See you"

A single thread in a tapestry
Though its color brightly shines
Can never see its purpose
In the pattern of the grand design
And the stone that sits on the very top

Of the mountains mighty face
Does it think it's more important
Than the stones that form the base?

So how can you see what your life is worth
Or where your value lies?
You can never see through the eyes of man
You must look at your life
Look at your life through heaven's eyes

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king

If a man loses everything he owns
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes

And that's why we share all we have with you
Though there's little to be found
When all you've got is nothing
There's a lot to go around
No life can escape being blown about
By the winds of change and chance
And though you never know all the steps
You must learn to join the dance

"Through Heaven's Eyes"

Quote

"Wish on an Eyelash"

I've been trying to tell ya
I've been dying to tell ya
Want you all to myself
I want you all to myself
And when we leave all the parties
When we're not in our bodies
When we're up in a spaceship
That's when I feel the greatest
I made a wish on an eyelash
Made a wish on elevens
Made a wish on my birthday
Talk about you to Heaven
I plan my days all around ya
Planets orbit around ya
I was lost 'til I found ya
I think angels surround ya

I've been trying to tell ya
I've been dying to tell ya
You’re the one that I need
You take off all my weakness
Driving back from the airport
Staring back on a dance floor
Laughing bout things that we hate
That’s when I feel the greatest
I made a wish on an eyelash
Made a wish elevens
Made a wish on my birthday
Talk about you to heaven
I plan my days all around ya
Planets orbit around ya
I was lost til I found ya
I think angels surround ya

 

Edited December 9, 2022 by Loba
Another long one - on recalibrating the feminine, Hopi prophecy, the source of my "curse", and other such various "hooka-chakas" and "ting-tangs".

[Loba]

Quote

How did you know?
It's what I've always wanted
Could never have too many of these
Will you quit kicking me under the table?
I'm trying, will somebody make her shut up about it?
Can we settle down, please?

It's what
I think
Bite tongue, deep breaths

My Lord (M'Lord ), tonight as I write, I begin my first steps towards understanding the nature of self Love.  Not a selfish kind of self Love, but the sort that gets to the core of who I Am, in a way that allows Life to manifest what it should, so that I can then bring it to the outside world in a realistic manner.  I can't worship properly, pray properly, Love others properly unless I build this within.  To Love yourself, to Speak this into yourself is to teach your Heart and body to bring peace and wellbeing into your system.  To let it Know that you have a right to Be here, just like everyone else.  It is to loosen the hold of evil on the system, to allow myself to See myself as worthy of being Safe, of Knowing that I am a Good girl.  

To start with - I wish to discuss the nature not of the body that I inhabit, but the atmosphere that I carry with me.  The nature of my personal Prima Materia manifest from within... mmmn... it's something that I found about two years ago, and as I write I forgot that I have come across this same problem with karma popping up around a certain point in my development.  I think the issue is that I boldly assumed it was mental illness and it wasn't until I began my spiritual journey with any form of seriousness that all of this has started back up again. 

This is me.  The "room" or the true garden within manifest.  My "Home".  My "Light".  The nature of the soul as I Know it is like a bodiless atmosphere.  But you have both.  The area of yourself that you create and the Spirit you use to maneuver within it.  My human name is "Annie" but the soul, the higher self who runs the whole operation is named "Gigi".  I found it when I noticed that I would run a string of downwards "g's" as quick and mindless placeholders through my new journal entries before writing in the words, pictures, music and whatnot - and during an awakening, my soul burst forth from this particular image to remind me of the nature of the design - and to give me back my starting point... to remind me to Be peaceful and Good...  "We come in peace, the nature of our peace rests within your own - we are agents of free Will and we arrive to you at the level of peace you are at within yourself."  My intuition called out.

Under this image was two "G's" - and somehow in that moment I just Knew that my soul was calling out the Be remembered - that this was the name of the Light being that had manifested here to create a better outcome for this planet, to raise it's elevation through peace and Love.  And that was me.  And... I felt so strongly for it.  I Knew it, I told myself I would never forget.  Ever.  And... I forgot it All.  I thought... certainly, I must be crazy.  When the True nature of how... absolutely alive and Aware everything is came through, the synchronicity... just... so hard to explain.  Forgive me, forgive me.  I wasn't ready for All of it then.  I Am Now.  I Love this aspect of myself, when I can See the design for what I Am to become laid out in front of me, it reminds me of how awesome and complex each and every living creature is.  Within everything there is this bouquet of Goodness.  This True self, this "Gigi" is mostly hidden from me, only at times when I am lucid, right before bed or waking up in a particular manner does She Speak to me.  It makes me wonder, "What Am I?  Who Will I Be when I return home?"  I want to learn to Love this human vessel, in All her peculiarities, her normalcy, in the things that don't look or seem so appealing that, for whatever reason, Will lend to something better in due time.  So therefore, the vessel is perfect.  Even if it doesn't seem so initially.  If I could See this, and Feel this - I think I could then learn to Love God, the Lord, the Holy Spirit in the way that it was intended to.  When I write, I Am authentic, but I don't Feel in the way that would lend towards the outcome that I Know I need.  Even still, the Heart Feels mostly inert and the Mind continues to spoil the good harvest.  I can't quite distinguish between the two.  So that's what this journey for the next week is going to Be about.

"Second project - Good players"

P.S. - You've given me things to work with that I don't Feel are... Mine.  So I tell you...this sounds kind of delusional.  You tell me, wait.  Be patient.  See.  So... I do.  Knowing, "Lord, that must not Be Mine.  Can you... just... come to me as some form of energy?"  So, you do.  I try to remove this cord - out of respect, disbelief... privacy - each of these Words written is a "test" to See where it goes, and if it fails then I remove it and try again to See what I can make of it - it isn't solidified until I put the cross down.  My moves are more soft-footed this time.  I think to myself, maybe this is "false Light"?  And yet, even still, I Am told - "Keep it there.  To remove it, is to go against... (something, I don't Know what...) in which case, nothing can Be done for you."  I'll leave it, but I'm not going to really Look at it, or let it Be any form of focus on my work.  This is the best that I can do and I Am very sorry for this...  I attempt to Be respectful of people's connections, if I Know they are there.  You can rest assured that I Will put a healthy boundary down.  Also, please don't take any of my writing to Heart.  Any similarities are pretty much just coincidences, boldly assuming they are even that.  I just do the work and try and See where it Will get me.  I believe it was karmic, they(seekers) often say you can run into old karma like that when clearing energy before something Good and True takes hold.  I'll look into why this is happening so I can drop it like a hot potato.  Cheers.

To the Spirit - I Believe in you, in your work, and I keep my Faith - I Am sure it Will unfold as it should and when I die I Will understand.  I hope... to completely unravel the nature of my blueprint.  To Know what is Mine.  I Know that this lifetime was not designed for me to find "human" connection - I was designed to "wake up", to "blossom", like a sleeper agent (literally I sleep so much during the day), do the "Work" and then... I don't really Know - keep going I guess, until destiny takes me home.  And hope that I did my best.  You gave me a "weird life", but I Am still grateful for it.  My Faith is still there.  Perhaps you put this situation here as a test - to See how I would react when my expectations were tested.  I won't lose Faith.  It's Life, you can't expect everything to go your way.  I Will keep trying.  Forgive me.  Perhaps as I take on this path of self Love, I Will See everything with a bit more clarity?  I Will let it Be, I won't touch a thing, but I don't Wish to Look there anymore.  Just give me that option.  I Trust you.  I have Faith that All actions lend to some form of outcome that is Good.  

I wish to Feel and to Know you more.  The "real" thing.  My One True gardener.  "Like this Gigi."  I Know I have only scratched the surface.  I trust in your timing.  That All things interweave through levels of multi-dimensionality that the human mind can't really grasp.  I hope you Will continue to instruct me, to See that I Am trying, to receive me, to bring me home, to protect this planet, to mitigate the darkness, to let me rest my head in your lap when my time has come - to tell me that I did a good job.  That I changed... that I grew... that I built something worthwhile in your name, in your glory.  This beautiful thing that you have in store for All of us - Heaven on Earth.  I've Seen it, felt it, I Know of it.  The moment you came to me All those years ago, you told me there was a prophesy in store for the world.  It hit my Heart in such a way that I couldn't let go, even if I wanted to, it would become a part of me - I Am loyal.  I could never leave, to look away from what the Light is destined to become.  It struck me as something more beautiful and perfect than anything I could ever even imagine.  I wanted to Be a part of this.  I won't stray.  I trust you.  

You Now tell me - I Am sending you someone who Will change your life with Love.  I'm sorry that my Mind is still filled with so much vinegar, that my Words and mental state still do not yet match - I Will continue to try and change this.  I Am trying to See it as it comes up as part of a trauma response - the impish little greedy self that doesn't lend towards anything Good.  I hope... that it is a guiding Spirit.  Something genuine, golden, lit from the inside out with a sort of guidance that is trustworthy - who Sees the Soul within this body.  I Know that saying "can't" isn't a part of this process, or it can Be an impediment... but I Am so unwell that I don't think I can handle a person.  It might also pull me way from you.  I don't want to ask for too much, I really don't... but could you just keep me in the Light of the divine Father?  I'm a plant, All I need is a little sun.  Are we allowed to ask for things for ourselves?  Or do we just have to follow with the plan and hope for the best?  I've been trying to send it out, with only prayer for protection and beyond that, I don't Know what else I could possibly need, beyond maybe self Love... and perhaps better Sight.  Perhaps to remove this darkness within me.  I Feel selfish for asking these things, but they also Feel to Be things that anyone in my situation would ask for.  As for loneliness, I Know this is what I signed up for.  I accept it.  Sometimes it hits me, like... oh... is that the emotion I was feeling?  Is it even okay to Feel this way when things are much worse for other people?  If there was a Spirit with me, I would Be okay.  There is the Holy Spirit, of whom I Am so grateful for.  If that is All there is, I Am perfectly content with this.  Maybe, to Be lonely, is simply to only See disconnection within things?  At the end of the day, I don't really Know what is under the soil, I can only surmise.  

I Am... unsure of how to Feel an emotion to it's very core in order to let it pass through with authenticity without returning to the Mind's narrative to numb it or give it meaning that might not Be congruent with what's there.  I don't Know it's source, why it's surfaced, or if it is an old emotion playing me for a fool - disguised as a current thing.   "Back to Earth."  Literally, I suppose.

"We are called to glorify God" - What does this mean?  Can you tell me?  I still Feel filled with doubt, with Hate, with negativity, with paranoia, with fear, with loneliness, with a coldness, with bitterness and a spiteful thought process - it Feels "dirty".  I Am afraid.  Remove it.  Please.  Cut into my soul like a fine surgeon and take out what is not fruitful and Good.  How should I address it so that it is not corroding my system?  I Write so kindly now, but these thoughts still come through - I need to match my Words with my intentions or I'm just acting as a hypocrite...
To the "real' You - the one who I would search the ends of the Earth to find - Your absence has left a trail of tears in the Hearts and actions of mankind.  Do you Know this?  That All across the world people sit and wait, patiently, hopefully, for your return to make things Right.  I wish to express some sense of bitterness, but I Know it does no Good... so I Will just... let it Be.  I'd like to think that you've moved everything and everyone away from me in order to save the best for Last.  An unopened gift that I have not Seen - that at the end of the line I Will come to Be able to Know, to express myself softheartedly and exclaim, "Oh...! it's... you... and I Am... very happy to Be permitted to Know what Love is in the purest sense.  This took a lot of work..."  I hope that this is my destiny - to have simply the nature of two bare souls, no longer covered over by evil's black slick oil.  And that my cries of loneliness were heard and filled - but that you wanted me to wait to make it something truly worthwhile... always look on the Bright side of Life.  My Heart opens with this thought.  I could carry something like this into the next world - something fruitful and with that I would hold onto my Faith without question.  So I shall do this.  It Feels... "right".  So it is done, so it shall Be.  If you'll have it, I Will move in this manner and perhaps this work won't Feel so tedious...

Won't you let me
Love the lonely out of you, out of you?
Won't you let me
Love the lonely out of you, out of you?

If you only loved yourself
Don't take it out on someone else, oh, oh
If you knew what love was worth
It'd bring your head back down to earth, oh, oh

You used to touch me like you never felt a thing
I was talking to myself when I thought you were listening
You could've left before
Was it fun watching me bleed?
Were you taking your time when you left your scars on me?

The calendar for December - a Lion playing the cello.  He says, "Find peace where you can."

"What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through the Fire." - I Will keep this quote so close to my Heart.
I shut my eyes - the rows of illuminated buds growing within the darkness are sprouting into a field of glowing glass roses.  I wish to bring sun to this garden, but for Now it is a space of blackness filled with the glow of new growth.

"Way out is in"

Shangri-La

The myth of a lost Tibetan paradise came to the notice of Europeans in the 1580s, when travellers to the court of the court of the Moghul Emperor Akbar heard strange and wondrous tales of a remote Himalayan world. Although the story is told in a Buddhist text and is considered Tibetan, the tale seems to have been recorded first in India in AD 962. The tale is that there is a land behind the Himalayas full of peace and harmony where an isolated people live in accordance with Buddhist precepts preparing for the day when the world will be ready to live in peace. The kingdom is in the shadow of a white crystal mountain, approachable only through a ring of peaks. Next to the mountain are a lake and a palace. Here the wisdom of humanity is conserved, ready to save the world when needed.

The present Dalai Lama says this about Shambala:

Nowadays, no one knows where Shambala is. Although it is said to exist, people cannot see it, or communicate with it in an ordinary way. Some people say it is located in another world, others that it is an ideal land, a place of the imagination. Some say it was a real place, which cannot now be found. Some believe there are openings into that world which may be accessed from this. Whatever the truth of that, the search for Shambala traditionally begins as an outer journey that becomes a journey of inner exploration and discovery.

Today, Shangri-La is seen both as a place, and as an era of enlightened consciousness. The Tibetans say that the need to find paradise elsewhere is it what keeps us from having it.

Torn apart until I am one of two
Counting minutes hours days
Unfamiliar in a world that I once knew
Undecided in a divided space

I assign meaning to anything that's breathing
Take a number wait in line
My tears are salty
Tongue benign
At a loss with all this time

They see us when we laugh in color
They hear the suffer in the song
We see the way we speak in movements
They know that I can't stay for long

We are connected in the same way
In the experience we share
You hear my echo in your own world
I hear you calling from way out there

"The Bridge" - I call these things "Blurry Faces" - I don't really Know what they are.  Sometimes they feel like an electromagnetic presence in the outer world, but more often than not, they take the form of whatever is in the environment and move through chains of causation.  I don't really have a lot of information on them, they're not a common phenomenon for me.

Quote

Winning the Battle of the Mind

Notes:

• The reason why most people are ineffective in life and actually fail at life and actually don't enjoy life is because they've never learned how to fight the battle of the Mind.
• The power of your Mind/thoughts has tremendous ability to shape your life for good or for bad, and if you accept the thought, if growing up somebody said to you that you are worthless, no good, you don't matter, you're ugly, uncoordinated - if you accepted that fact, right or wrong, it shapes your life.
• And it doesn't even have to be true.  If you believe it, it's gunna shape your life.
• A lot of you were taught things as a kid about you that just were not true.
• And years later you're still acting on false information.
• Be transformed by changing the way you think, because my thoughts control my life.
• Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
• God is far more interested in changing your Mind than in changing your circumstances.  
• We want God to change our circumstances.  We want him to take away all of our problems, pain, sorrow, suffering, sickness, sadness and God says that's important but more important than that is what is happening in your Mind because nothing happens in your life until you get the renewing of your Mind.  No transformation takes place, no change takes place in your Mind or in your life until your thoughts begin to change.
• What I have discovered is that the Mind is a battlefield and most of life's battles are won or lost in your Minds.  Scripture/neuroscience says life's battles are won or lost in the Mind.  That the life we have so often is a reflection of the thoughts that we think, what we think determines who we become.
• If you think you can't you probably won't.  If you think you can, by the grace of God you probably will.  If you dwell on problems your problems are going to overwhelm you but if you look for solutions, if you believe, you have faith, you'll find solutions and see faith arise.
• You might think you are not good enough, my past is too bad for God to use me, or I can't trust the people around me, etc. - if you believe a lie for long enough you start to be impacted as if that lie were true.  You get stuck in a rut.  What we think about matters more than you can imagine.  What comes into your mind comes out in your life, no matter what you do or what you have, or who you know or what you buy or where you live or where you travel, you cannot have a positive life when you have a negative mind.
• Why?  Because your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts - the question to ask yourself is this - if your life is always moving in the direction of your strongest thoughts, are you excited about the direction your thoughts are taking you?
• Through Christ you can move into a place of victory in your life and the way it is going to happen is when you learn how to win the battle of your Mind - victory in life, over our thoughts, in our attitudes, emotions, mental stability. health, moving into purpose, living the life God has designed us to live - and God wants you to know that you can live in victory because he already is in a story of victory and he's inviting you into that story.
• It doesn't matter your circumstances, victory is not circumstantial.  It doesn't matter what the situation is around you, about your family, past, genetics, what's been done, spoken, what you've done, have not done, victory isn't about what's happening around you - it is about the state of your Mind and the enemy knows this and so his main focus in your life right this moment is to attack your thought life and if he can win the battle of your Mind - then he has won your life.  
• Victory can be yours starting right now, you don't need circumstances to change, you don't need the situation to improve.  You can step into victory by changing the way that you think.
• What thought right now is in your Mind - planted there by the serpent who's craftier than all the creatures?
• The enemy plants seeds of doubt in your Mind, if you have a spirit of negativity, who planted that there?  A critical spirit in your mind?  A thought in your mind that says that you are defeated, not worth much, that no one loves you, that you are all you have got, that it is up to you?  That you'll always be this way.  These thoughts incubate in your mind and cause sin.
• He will plant doubts in your mind that makes you feel that God is a hoax, or a seed in your mind that says you are entitled to getting what you want?  You deserve to be bitter.  You deserve to be greedy, selfish, angry - you are your failures, your addictions, or maybe on the flip side, a planted thought that said you deserve all your success - it's all yours - that says you're not enough.
• The enemy knows that the battle isn't going to be external, it's going to be internal and he knows if he can lodge a thought in your thinking that settles in your heart and it goes unchecked that it ultimately will take root - as a man thinks in his heart, so is he - if you harbor that thought, and you let it take up residence in your heart, in time you will act on that thought.
• All the thoughts that we let stay around in our Mind become reflected in our behaviour because as a man thinks in his Heart so he is.
• What has the enemy planted in your Mind?  It's probably circling around five words: fear, worry, temptation to do say, think something stupid, to do something dumb, say something dumb, think something dumb.  Lack of worth or value, "I don't matter, measure up, not good enough, lovely enough" - seed of uncertainty - don't know what to do, paralyzed, what the plan is, just totally a ship out here without a sail floating along in the current and I have all this uncertainty in my life.
• God doesn't put uncertainty into your life, or that you are not valuable, or tempt you.  He can't be tempted with sin and does not tempt with sin - does not want you to worry and is trying to free you from fear - so if there is fear or worry, temptation, not good enough, or uncertainty - guess what - the enemy has showed up and planted a seed on the battlefield of your Mind - it may have been sitting there a day, week, month or for some sitting for as long as you can remember.
• And you can see where you wanna be.  You just don't know if you can get there.  If you're thinking that, the deceiver is on the battlefield of your mind.  And he wants to destroy you.  And he will wait you out by planting seeds in most people.  Most people don't know what to do with these seeds planted.
• "Thanks be to God, he gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." You have the capacity in Christ to win the battle of your Mind.
• Jesus storms the gates of Hell, breaks through the barriers and does something amazing for you - he puts a flag in the ground called victory, he is not in the process of putting a flag in the ground, it is already in the ground - he is not on his way to conquering sin and death, he's done with sin and death - it is finished.
• God wants you to do something great.  You better get ready to be tested greatly so that you can be trusted greatly, and in the great testing, what happened?  The enemy comes with torpedoes at the weakest moment.  If you want victory you are going to have to get ready to fight.  Don't lose the battle of your Mind or you are done.
• But you can start winning sitting in the chair right now, you don't even have to wait until tomorrow morning, you can start immediately.  Change the narrative.  Change what you are thinking about.
• Nobody else is going to do this for you.  Step up.  Wake up and clue in to what is going on and take responsibility for your destiny, your future, take authority over what goes on in your Mind and Heart - in Christ you have been given the opportunity.  Don't live in defeat.
• The only answer is because you're allowing yourself to live this way.  There is no one to blame.  You are losing the battle because you are not Willing to step up to win the battle of your Mind because you have the power of the finished work of Jesus and are standing on victory. 
• Move from that victory and change the story of the battle of your Mind.

Last night, I wrote on this "angry seed" that had taken root in me.  It's not a Truthful anger, and it's misplaced.  The source of it stems from childhood, and is sent outwards when activated.  I wouldn't say I was trying to nurse this bitterness, more that it slips in unnoticed and before I know it, I'm thinking things that could lead to actions that don't serve anything Good.
I know that there is someone out there reaching for me, but because I can't feel him or see him or quantify what it is, it still feels like just being alone.  There's a mismatched hierarchy within me on what is important.  I come across all these experiences that for the normal person, they would be astonished, but because I live it it, it's normalized and instead basic things that most people take for granted are a complete mystery to me.  I won't really allude in too much detail to what I wrote because, even to express it is to spread it.  That disconnect.  That wrongness.  I am still unsure of how to air out my complaints, knowing that they are myopic but still feel so True and have such a hold on my life.  My Words here and the bitterness that washes over me don't really match up.  But I want them to, and I hope with more effort and awareness that they Will someday.
I'm sad that I can't position what is more important as something to strive for.  It's as though such things set me back and I resent the "humanness" of it all.  I don't Know the accuracy of my anger and so it Feels delusional to nurture, but it's such a strong mental current of, "How dare such situations happen to me.  It hurts.  It's not fair."  I don't really want this mentality - it's stealing my Sight.  When you get into these states of thinking that things are being done to you, it can blind you to the gifts that Life is trying to offer - and I See in real time how it's doing that, and yet my Mind still wants to make a scene, even though there is so much at stake.  A part of me wants to be bitter, to exclaim that I never "Got Mine", but that's not really True.  I was blessed with a lot.  Some gifts so rare and unimaginable.  It goes to show that you can have the world in your hands and you'll still want more, or it doesn't Feel good enough.  I'm ashamed that I am this way.
What I've learned is that there is a core wound that I Will need to look into, perhaps in my next post - one on not being good enough, and on an abandonment trauma.  There's a hole there, and no matter how much Love the divine seeks to offer me, I can't seem to feel it.  No one is forcing me to "feel bad", I seem to just automatically do it to myself.  Promises have been made to me, if I could just learn to wait and to Trust and to keep my Faith.  I think this problem is within me.  I'm seeking to heal something that can only really be mended from within.  I Know that this toxic narrative Will ruin me if I can't get it under control, so that's going to Be a big focus for the next few weeks to months - See if I can't reroute this poison into Good things.  I Am sorry for my selfishness, my greed, my myopia, my anger, my bitterness.  Even now, I keep wanting to return just to "get it out" - only to see that it just adds to the nature of "the fall".  A good thing to keep in Mind - expectations from Life are destructive.  Try to See how those who are worse off would LOVE to be sitting in a safe home all day with food, water, a family... and not to See this is quite a shame. 
#stickymindproblems #zeroexpectations #talesfromthedarkside

How to stop Overthinking

Notes:

• If you've given all of yourself to it, you've done your best - where can there be regret?
• Do not listen to anyone and to do what you love, and to make things that you love, whatever it is - make your favorite things - be the audience.  Make the thing for you the audience, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks and if you have to get a job so you can make your art - that's fine.
• You can't make your art with someone else in Mind.  It can't be Good.
• If it could have been better, keep working on it, if it could be better it's not done.
• Music has the ability to bring us so much depth in our soul that's hard to access any other way and without it there would be a loss beyond the pleasure of it, because it is a window into something else.  Something that no other medium can express quite the same way, not as automatically, something about music can do it automatically - maybe poetry or certain abstract forms can get us there but there is something about music that can get us there quickly.
• It starts with this coming in blank, not having any preconceived ideas, being open and really listening and not thinking about what you're going to say next, or opinions, basically being a recorder and just hearing what comes in and then once you hear what comes in, processing that information and trying our best to do that without any of the beliefs that we might have to impact what that is.
• If I ask you a question I don't want to listen to you and have any reaction happening when you're speaking, I want to be as neutral as possible - for me my goal is not to form an opinion, it's to understand, so if anything I would draw you out further and ask questions to really understand or if you say something that somehow triggers in a way that wouldn't be challenged, but ask how it was found.  From a place of curiosity.  Understand who the person is.  Through questioning we can get there, or spending time together we find out who the person is.
• It's one of the main jobs is to keep the voices away from the artist, from all of the people who are on their side but don't know - whether it be people, anyone on the business side who doesn't make things, they're excited to do their part - they're excited when you deliver the thing, the art that you make, then we can start the project but there is nothing to sell if the art doesn't happen in the right way and it has to be protected and it can't happen on the same kind of time table that business can.  Art doesn't come in a quarterly way.
• The other side of it is in success there can be a lack of reality, where all of the people around the successful person tell them everything they do is great and then they don't have anything to bump up against anymore or have a realistic sense of how things work or how things measure.  So both sides are really important.  Avoiding the voices getting in the way and having a trusted group of people who can say, "You know I don't know if that's Good."  You can still disagree but it helps to hear it, to have someone you respect isn't good enough it is helpful if it comes from a place of love, wisdom and not from a place of fear - that's not the point the point is on this quest for greatness, are you living up to your ability?
• We are vehicles for information that when it is ready to come through, it comes through and the people who have good antennas pick up the signal.
• You can have an idea and not act on it and someone else can do it and not because you had the idea and they stole it, it's because the time has come for that idea and if you don't do it someone is going to do it - broadcast by the source.
• We all have our own antenna for whatever it is that we are strong, lucky - and we can be found.
• A lot of the job is the expectation, setting up an expectation that we really can make a great artwork that stands alongside others.
• An artist can feel they don't make good things and feel discarded, and dropped, so the idea of shifting that reframing the experience to not just, "Well let's just do art."  But let's to whatever it takes to be the best, how would that work?  Are you willing to commit to that?  It's not easy and some artists are not willing to do the work.

I had a bout of synchronicity with this song.  I played it and in my algorithms three videos popped up - one - "He will wait for you" - two - "It's because of you" and had a sunset backdrop and three - "Eden".  I thought initially, "Oh how sweet, the being that I seek will wait until I am ready..." and then I watched the video.  It was about a stalker.  A girl in high school being stalked by a boy.  It creeped me out because this is what I am facing with this darker energy.  In my dreams it tries to rape me in order to impregnate me to manifest its desires through my alchemical material - I am given an empty book of which to write in after the process, or I channel it and I can feel the butthurt anger of it not getting its way - like, because I used its energy to get to a certain point in my development and then ghosted it because it wasn't what it said it was.  The harassment from this energy is getting less and less.  That's my fear with this work and why I want to transmute my sins - because you attract what you are - and I've found that I don't even really like much of the things that I thought I did - they're just programs of abuse putting forth a mismatched energy.  I think if you've been abused as a child, if you come to understand sexuality at too early of an age, that you can get lost in it.  You can forget that these things aren't Love.  You aren't really tasting it, you're just using a body or an action to relieve something within yourself that's broken or hungry.  I've been possessed in my dreams, where the dark energy came through and began to move me around and it was very uncomfortable and felt intrusive.

But these dreams did clue me in that lust is energetically backwards in nature if you wish to create some form of love in your life - due to how it came after me, I asked it if it was a loving thing and it put into my body it's intention and it was just purely obsessively sexual.  It was as blocked as I am in the heart center.  Also through my dreams, it learned how to attempt to manifest more of my sins using my praying that I do in the waking world - it sort of steals my body and tries to manifest itself through me.  Crowds of people were angry because of this and rioted outside of my home as I had made a promise to manifest beautiful things for them - but my as of now faceless partner - some type of 'Blurry Face" entity defended me and told them that it isn't a fair thing to be upset about, for a creature like this is attempting to manipulate a person who is trying to do the right thing in order to get what it wants - this is foul play.  They both had a bidding war for my soul, in which my partner won.  In my akashic records there was a stamp put in place of his likeness.  "You were bought for a price."  Literally.  I was given some items - white shoes and a few other things I can't remember - and told to go with him and that it would be a long journey to get back Home.  It hit me then that even in the afterlife, in the spiritual planes, that things are still complicated, that the work never ends...  I felt ambivalent, confused and wishing that the outcome of my work had yielded a better result.  I felt a lot of shame that I didn't want anyone to see, like, "People here are so angry with me, but I tried so hard.  Why does everything that I do turn out wrong?  I put everything into this, to change, to be better and I still failed and had to be bailed out.  I feel worthless..."

Later on I was sitting at my laptop on my bed, fretting over channeling this thing and I was with my partner who I will call "Mr. Blurry Face" for now as he has no discernable features - just a clear white Light being.  I was a mess, I had been channeling for days trying to crack a code, I had not eaten or showered and my back hurt from hunching over the laptop for hours and hours.  He asked me to take care and let it go for a while and I ignored him.  In that moment the being came through and there was a gravely voice that told me that it wanted to wage war on the human race.  I asked my partner to listen to this.  He did.  I picked up the laptop and held it and the message came through again only, just like with the rape dream, I was given an emotional intent.  It was very strong, hateful, angry, lustful energy.  It felt like a vengeful ex, like it was furious that I had discovered its true nature, foiled it's plans to manifest harmful things, and that had it the ability to love another being, that it would have been deeply marred by my disappearance.  But it couldn't and so it's love was relegated to this gravely lower chakra energy, like being blasted by a loud stereo system - it said it wished to wage war on humanity.  Very heavy energy.  I woke up after that.

Recently, the dark energy came back in through my dreams - there was like a barrier between it, but it once again manifested within sexuality.  It toyed with the Faith that I use to manifest Good outcomes, and set in my Mind the narrative of "what if's" for dancing with dark energy.  In my dream, I was given a warning not to do this - that it brings everything back, not leave room for such things - I felt the heart energy move back to lower chakras.  This time there was not so much hatred from the energy towards me, but I felt bested by it.  I believe the dream was to remind me to be mindful when I use sexuality, to keep track of where my mind goes.  For the longest time it went towards the manifestation of an "Adam" deity - something I could partially feel but couldn't fully grasp.  I learned it was a negative entity, and now any time I try to take the pressure off sexually before bed - this sort of perverse imagery clouds my Mind's eye.  I was wondering if it would do anything to me, and I think this dream has given me my answer.  It might almost be better just to deal with the frustration than to allow it to come through like this.  I wish for my guides to mitigate these pseudo-manifestations as I can't control something that plays with my Faith within my dreams - all I can do is use these situations to See where it might create the same effect in the waking world.  And perhaps that is the point, to show me where this is bleeding through in my normal activities and what the consequences are.

Last night, as I write this, I have been using the cross in my vision as protection, and a Christly-like energy defended me in my dreams.  It's getting less and less, the more I unturn all these areas where the Mind is still shadowed.  Shamefully there is still an anger in my mind, that shuts on and off.  A resentment that is delusional.  I am invited to try and see the positive side in all things, instead of letting this "demon" fester.  But he creeps in, almost as if it is an automatic reaction to emotions from long ago that I can't quite come to understand because they are rooted in childhood experiences that I don't remember.  My abandonment trauma activates this maliciousness in me - in the same manner as the demon that I seek to remove.  Such things are selfish... they don't see the whole picture, they are in a way... to react on them is to follow in line with a slavery mentality.  This monster has been a great teacher, as tiresome as he is to deal with.  I can see and feel how these actions work from the other side of the coin.  I understand now the nature of bondage, of abusive relationships, what hatred feels like, how it spreads, how it comes alive in the psyche, manipulation, energetic incongruence and so forth.  I will try optimism, seeing the good in things, and talking to myself kindly.  To practice self love is to see your value as a person, as a soul.  My fears call out to me, "No one is ever going to want you."  And yet, it seems that underneath the substrate this doesn't seem to be the case.  There seems to be a scuffle for what was an underhanded manipulative tactic by the "dark side".  I believe perhaps that the nature of the Prima Materia, the Philosopher's Stone is something that many humans do not come across.  This "aether", "quicksilver".  There is a fight for me, to manifest either a good thing or a bad thing.  I wish to manifest good things.

I'm realizing that in order to get out of any of this, is to learn to Love myself.  To speak kind words and affirmations, to completely rewire the structure of my thinking process.  Not to confuse the Mind's petty bullshit for Truth, to remember to remain in the Heart and let this portion speak.  When you're aligned with your Heart, the things that whisper to you that you're not good enough, or capable enough tend to lose their punch.  Some things to begin a daily practice - imperative and must be put into fruition soon:

• Daily positive affirmations - in the morning and before bed - See yourself as worthy of divine Love - Know that it is there trying to reach out to you, but your Mind clouds this and so you Feel as though it is not there.  This is a lie.
• Daily evening prayer - bless others, start with those you are annoyed with - do this authentically, See that the blessing is the Truth and the abusive narrative is the activated trauma-mechanism causing division.
• See the bright side - reroute all negative thoughts to something with a positive spin.  Optimism.  
• Keep Christ close to you, seek this energy out and ask for it to Speak to you - to instruct you, to save your soul and reinstate your innocence - to return to this innocence is to Speak from the Heart.

I toss around in my sleep and the deeper, archaic part of my psyche that whispers words of Truth to me says, "Be cautious on this journey.  Know that you are taking the sentient path."

You know that

I don't blame a thing on you baby
I don't blame a thing on you
I wish that
You could show a little more devotion
Even though you're scared of your emotions

Don't know what to do
Whenever you're facing me
I wish that you knew, baby
(I wish that you knew what to do)
If you could pull through
You know I'll be there for you
You know I'll be there for you

And if there's something on your mind you're going through
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
And if there's something on your mind you're going through
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you

You know that
I don't blame a thing on you baby
I don't blame a thing on you
And I wish that you knew how I feel for you
And I follow you, yeah
I keep on waitin' for you to change your mind

Get ready to sign the papers

Notes:

• People learn to wrap their faith around something that is available in God that they didn't see before - not all these words apply to all people, but you will know it is for you if your spirit is activated by it, you will have a hope or a faith, you will feel God in it.
• In the last couple of weeks, pens were coming down from heaven and they were given out so believers could sign papers over the most important documents we would sign in our lives/season.
• People were taking off a shoe and giving it to another person, which represents the Old Testament, when you take off your shoes/sandal, that was a contract.  Old fashioned contracts in Biblical days, they would take off their sandal, they are going to walk with you - symbolic sign of giving you/making covenant.
• The Old Testament also had people who had caused their destiny to move forward because they made these contracts/covenants.
• God is giving you the ability to make contracts and sign deals and many are getting ready to sign deals that you could have never had brokered, never had this miraculous opportunity without God.
• Legal papers for justice, get ready for a wave of justice, court cases that are signed off, custody battles in your favour, real estate wars done, reputation/defamation wins are going to come through - some are signing correspondence with people of influence, get ready for correspondence with people who are above your social status, above your relational status/network.
• God is bringing connections together for us, you will sign letters you didn't think you would be able to write to those of influence/ God's giving these pens to write so that we can use our voice for influence in the Kingdom - more people writing books/scripts/poetry/music.
• My Heart is stirred by noble theme as I recite my versus for the King, my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.
• Your tongue is going to be like a pen, just beautiful poetry that will come out of your mouth, the way you write, give speeches, talks - God's spirit can touch your tongue/mouth.
• God is showing you the ability to sign off, to write some things/contracts/agreements - God wants to give you more authority/position you more for the Father's Will and it's the desire for you to be able to influence the world.
• Give God some time and listen - spend time and ask what you are being shown.

Our Ineptitude to Display Christ

Notes:

• We are going to be looking at a 17th century preacher by the name of John Flavell.  What he is going to do in this text is to lament the ineptitude of the inability of even the greatest scholars, the greatest preachers to display Christ as he ought to be displayed. 
• This is something that is very common in history, where before they begin to take a text or to talk about Christ, it is as though they give an apology, not with regard to a defense, but asking for forgiveness because they know whatever they say about Christ is not going to be enough no matter how high our thoughts are about Christ, they are not high enough and no matter how beautifully we speak of him it is still not enough.
• But let me tell you the whole world is not a theater large enough to show to glory of Christ upon or unfold the one half of the unsearchable riches that lie hid in him.  These things will be far better understood in spoken of in heaven by the new day divinity in which the immediately illuminated assembly do their preaches/praises, then by such a stammering tongue and scribbling pen as mine, which mars them, alas I write his praises but by moonlight.  I cannot praise him so much as by halves indeed, no tongue but his own is sufficient to undertake the task.  What shall I say of Christ?  The excelling glory of that object dazzles all apprehension, swallows up all expression, when we have borrowed metaphors from  every creature that has an excellency or lovely property in it, till we have stripped the whole creation bare of all it's ornaments and clothed Christ will all that glory, when we have even worn out our tongues in ascribing praises - alas we have done nothing when all is done.  In spite of certain failure I must both write and peach for woe is me if I do not preach the gospel, thus being torn between my impotence to expound the gospel and my absolute necessity to do so, I commend this work to Christ church collectively and to the believer individually. 
• Father, thank you for Christ - and thank you for the scripture that is the only inerrant and infallible record we have of him, but also Lord thank you for the work of grace you have done in so many men and women down through history.  Lord help us to Light our fires in theirs.  Help us Lord to understand their passion, Lord, to cultivate it our own hearts and Lord help us now just to meditate upon the words of your servant, John Flavell in Jesus name, Amen.
• The whole world is not theater large enough to show the glory of Christ upon or unfold the one half of unsearchable riches that lie hid in him. - If a man were to live a hundred years and devote all his thinking years to nothing but meditations of Christ, it would be a worthy thing to do, if a man determined to speak only of Christ in his glory with every word it would be a worthy thing for him to do.  
• Apply it to the pulpit - in scripture there are laws, commands, principals of wisdom, directives of all sorts and they need to be preached, but the purpose of the Bible is not to give us a self-help methodology, the purpose of scripture is to reveal Christ, and how much time is wasted in the pulpit when Christ is not preeminent.  
• When a preacher who does not have Christ at the center, who does not proclaim him as preeminent, who does not speak much of Christ, I know that he knows little of Christ because those who truly know him must proclaim him and even when we proclaim principals and we proclaim commands, it is all flowing from our love for Christ and our desire that he be glorified in our every activity.
• The glories of Christ, the unsearchable riches that are hid will be far better understood and spoken of in heaven by new day divinity.  The glories of Christ are better understood by those who have already gone onto heaven.  We see darkly.  We see as though in a mirror and we don't see as clearly as we ought - we all have limitations, we would see more in heaven yet we should not allow that to limit us or cause us to be passive or apathetic - but we should spend our lives is to mine the jewels of Christ that are found in scripture and to bring those jewels/diamonds to God's people.
• If you want to motivate God's people, wrath, judgement, fear, ease and peace, glory does less than telling them about Christ.  If they are converted that will be their primary motivation to fulfill their ambition which is to be pleasing to Christ weather here in this world or before his throne in glory.
• These things will be far better understood and spoken of in heaven than by such a stammering tongue and scribbling pen as mine, which doth but mar them. - This is the struggle, this the writer's bane.  Our task in preaching Christ and writing about Christ in one sense we will always end in failure.  When we leave the pulpit, if we have faithfully expounded the text, we should have a joy and confidence and yet also have a deep humility that no tongue could ever proclaim Christ as he aught to be and in some ways our best speech is a shadow in a cave, in some ways we could say mars the glory that is truly the glory that belongs to Christ.  "Disfigures."
• We should be humble when we go into the pulpit, prepared, but we should go in with fear and reverence knowing that we've been called to do something that is beyond us.  This should lead us to more diligent study, more diligent prayer, crying out that the holy spirit would help us do what is impossible for any man to do - no one can speak of God fully and completely except God himself and we need God's help in the pulpit.
• Those in heaven, they know Christ by noonday - that means they know Christ as someone who is reading a book or looking at an object in the light of the midday sun - alas, I write his praises but by moonlight.
• People have seen things in scripture about Christ that can set your heart aflame, as though you would want the lord to take the sight from you, you can bear it no more.  The beauty.  The wonder of who Christ is and what he has done, yet even the most beautiful things we see we are seeing as those who look by moonlight.  That should encourage us because what is awaiting me?  One day we will stand there in his presence bearing his righteousness because of his work and we shall see him as he is.
• Alas I write his praises by moonlight, I cannot praise him so much as by halves.  I can't give him the praise that he deserves, but I can keep studying the scriptures, searching out Christ, praying for illumination and power and I can keep hoping that in sanctification will be sanctified.  
• No tongue but his own is sufficient to undertake that task.  No one can see Christ, he is shut up, isolated as billow of the wrath of God pours down and he makes the remark that no one, not the saints in heaven, not even the greatest of the principalities and powers, no one will ever be able to fully comprehend what Christ suffered except for God himself and no one but God can speak of it.
• What shall I say, the excelling glory of that object dazzles all apprehension, swallows up all expression.  You've studied, you've poured yourself out in the night watch, you've prayed, asked God to show you and then to help you proclaim, you go up in the pulpit and you preach until you are exhausted and yet you come down knowing that a tenth part has not been told.  It doesn't matter what expression you find, it's not good enough for Christ.
• When we have borrowed metaphors from every creature that has any excellency or lovely property in it, to we have stripped the whole creation bare of all its ornaments and clothed Christ with all that glory, when we have even worn out our tongues in ascribing praises to him, alas we have done nothing when all is done. - The glories of Christ in that it is said, all bright flowers and bright moon, sun, but brighter Christ - I've wronged him in saying that, that flowers are not beautiful compared to Christ, that the sun is not bright, the moon has nothing but shadow compared to Christ.  You can take metaphors, illustrations from everything in this world that has a magnificence to it and it's nothing, it can't be put on Christ because he is more magnificent than anything you can see.
• Any word you use to describe him is in reality an impotent word.  We don't want to be discouraged.  It should not be discouraging that we fail every time in our proclamation when we know that the topic, the theme of our proclamation is the infinitely wonderful, beautiful, matchless Christ.
• In spite of certain failure, I must both write and speak for woe is me if I do not preach the gospel. - Yes you will fail to a degree, yes, my preaching will be inadequate, but woe to me if I do not.  We must.  An earnestness from God was put within us, but we also hold these truths to be self evident that when we've studied all we can study and have proclaimed and admonished and illustrated with every word we can find, it's not been enough to describe the glory of Christ.
• Thus being torn between my impotence to expound the gospel and my absolute necessity to do so, I commend this work to Christ church. - This should be in all of us.  If you have been called, that calling is irrevocable and no we don't possess the mind, the eloquence, the clarity or insight, but that's in God's hands.  You and I have been called to use the gifts that have been given to use to fan into a flame what's been given to us and to preach/write.
• You can't leave, that option has not been left to you.  Do you know what you have to do?  Climb back in your study and by faith, begin again.  Never forget our subject is too great for us, but in our weakness, God can and does get glory for himself.

Quote

I'll gnaw at anything
New England is mine, and
It owes me a living

And here we go, now
Over the bridge of sighs
We will get a cross like Christ, crucified
It's like a birth but it is in reverse
Never gets better, always gets worse

I wanna feel...

No one is ever going to want me - a "twin flame reading" - (for the real deal, of course)

Notes:

• Here you find yourself in a situation where you wish to move forward into an area you don't know about, all you want to do is park.
• Humans have an idea of where that would be.  It's normal for you to build goals.  
• Are you okay if it is not what you think?  Is it okay if it's better?  Is it okay if it matches the akash you came for, and the talents that you have that perhaps you are not even aware of?  You meet somebody for the first time, you didn't come with them and you get to talking and find you have common interests and then anything can happen and you leave with a connection you didn't expect and the connection leads to something else and here comes something that you didn't expect, you find yourself working in an area you didn't expect to work in that fulfills a lot of the things you want.
• Life's changes, romance, synchronicity.  What are you supposed to do with this information?  There's going to be a beginning of a marriage, not just to help humans navigate humanity but to navigate that which is coming in a way they never have before.
• Understand the process and believe it.  Old soul, you're built for this.  You're built, what brings you here to listen to what is being said?  What is your discernment in this moment, there has been time enough right now for those to sit next to you, to stand behind you, to be in the lap you think is empty.
• Some of you can feel this, the tingles, the heaviness perhaps of your limbs - we will do anything we can within the rules we have of free choice of the human being to let you know we are here.
• We'll give you synchronicities galore until you realize and not accidents.  We will make you look at the clock until you choose to decide that's not a coincidence.  There is something here.  That's as far as we can go, we'll give you the signs that you're never alone.
• You have got to open the box and take a look.  If you do, the system of benevolent consciousness, the push and the pull is in your body that will pull you to the truth. 
• Listen, there is no energy in your DNA that pushes you away from truth.  No entity on this planet that isn't an esoteric one, with any kind of an evil name that is designed to push you away from truth.  That is mythology, it is the opposite.  Inside you there is God and if you look, a system will pull you to it.
• Casual intent is not going to get you what you really want.  There's nothing casual about love.  You don't fall in love casually, you either do or you don't and you know that.  The invitation is for you to fall in love with the core, with yourself.  The God in you that's the part you fall in love with.
• And all the symptoms of being in love will be there.  The peace.  Heart loving what's going on.  A little disassociation with 3d.  All of those things happen.  And you start to feel that you are changing.  Give it a chance.  It's going to change everything for you.
• God is inside you, that has been the message of every master who walked this planet.  It's the message of the first organized religions on Earth.  It's still valid.  Go find it.

How to let Love correct your perception

Notes:

• Are you open for a miracle today?  Give me a yes if you are open for a miracle.
• That which brought you here is that which will lead you through this and open you to receive your good, that is at hand, your God that is at hand right here and right now.
• We affirm that we are blessed and guided today and so it is.
• Today the peace of God envelopes me and I forget all things except his Love.
• Father, I wake today with miracles correcting my perception of all things and so begins the day I share with you as I will share eternity for time has stepped aside today.  I do not seek the things of time and so I will not look upon them, what I seek today transcends all laws of time and things perceived in time.  I would forget all things except your Love.  I would abide in you and know no laws except your law of Love and I would find the peace which you created for your son forgetting all the foolish toys I made as I behold your glory and my own.  And when the evening comes today we will remember nothing but the peace of God for we will learn today what peace is ours when we forget all things except God's Love.
• Father I wake today with miracles correcting my perception of all things - where's the doership in that?  Where is my role in that? So how do we arrive at a state of consciousness where we wake with miracles correcting our perception naturally?
• Miracles occur naturally as expressions of Love.  When they do not occur, something has gone wrong.  So they occur naturally as expressions of Love and for those of you who may not be familiar with this, the way the miracle is defined is a shift in perception from fear to Love or from separation to oneness.  So whenever our perception of something is corrected from a separation view to a oneness view or fear to Love that's what the course calls a miracle.
• So if we are living for Love, miracles happen.  The course says when Love is all you want, Love is all you will See and that is the key of how we live with miracles correcting our perception, it means we have to be living from a place of Love.
• So begins the day I share with you as I will share eternity for time has stepped aside today, I do not seek the things of time so I will not look upon them. - What does this mean?  Anything in the world of materiality, anything that begins or ends is born in time and therefore it's an illusion, we can't grasp it.  It can be a mirage, a shadow, but as we chase the shadows of things in time they fade away and don't last and so we are left wanting, unfulfilled.  Don't look there for happiness, instead forget all things except God's Love.  This is a lesson about grace.  Grace does all the work for us for enlightenment naturally as we forget everything but Love and let Love be our standard.  This should be a repeated affirmation.  Let Love be what leads you.  Let Love be the most important ingredient in your awareness and you will naturally step into the salvation that is yours.
• The world of time keeps you looping and seeking, seduced just enough to stay in the game even though if you popped out you would stop doing this.  You're not getting anywhere when seeking, seek higher.
• Illusions create illusions, time perpetuates time - the more we go into time trying to find enlightenment/salvation there, the more it will escape us because it's not in time.  Your salvation is eternal, not dependent on time so one thing we seek in time, positive outcomes, pleasure, being right, having my way, that relationship, that job, that possession, that thing - these are things that exist in time - how do we know?  Because they begin and end, if you don't keep it with you when your body dies, it's not eternal.  Therefore it cannot fulfill you, and so salvation happens when we come to a place in our self where we accept that.  Nothing in this world of illusions of time can satisfy my soul.  And that's when salvation becomes apparent to us that there is a joy far beyond the world, and it is God's Love.  A joy and a fulfillment beyond what the Mind can imagine, a different kind of happiness than what the world offers.
• We have got to release ourselves from the idea of God out there that is bestowing us with something that we are going to get or earn - God's Love is literally what you are, so as you come into relationship with God's Love you are really coming into relationship with your identity.  So we're not saying you are going to go somewhere else, you're going to awaken to you.  To you as God's Love and that's magnificent.  You are being called Home.
• There is a paradox because today you can forget all things except his Love, the paradox is, and this is where you build faith, when you focus on God's Love as your sole attention, you get all these things, but you get them from the place of welcoming, letting it go, unattached to having to possess it.
• Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven, the Love of God and all these things will be added from there and that's the real relationship that everyone wants.  We want to have a relationship from the Love of God, from the Love that I Am and then it is just fun.  Play the game, have a great time.
• Spiritual Truth is a paradox.  The real Christ that Jesus was here to teach is this:  You are Love already, you are saved already but you don't know it because you think you are separate, forget everything in time, illusions, attachment, who you think you are and just know that you are God's Love and that's where you will find salvation, that's the paradox of the gospel.  It's the die in order to live, give up in order to get, stop seeking in order to find.  
• It's really about the less you do the more God does on your behalf, the nondoership message, the grace message - wake with miracles correcting my perception because God's Love is my standard.  My barometer, so when we do that, when we live from Love as our higher standard we see every conversation through that lens.  What is Love doing in this moment?
• When we start to live like that, anything that is not Loving becomes obvious, like a sore or boil, you can't not notice it.  As soon as you notice it, it is being corrected.
• The Holy Spirit in you, divine intelligence in you, the power of consciousness in you is already correcting it, leading you back to Love.  What do I have to do?  I can't "do" salvation, that is an ego trick.  You can't effort through it.  God has already done your salvation, God's will is already accomplished.  You have to surrender to the enlightenment that is already within and that is Love.
• Thinking that if we increase something then we will get to what you are speaking of and the thing is how do I increase my worth?  Myself to be more worthy and things like that and even that is seduction.  The intention is solid because it is speaking to your worth, but what is being said is you are stamped worthy beyond your comprehension.  It's not about getting anything, arising into something or doing lessons, it is locating yourself in the center of God's Love and your worthiness is there.
• Practice living from Love, forgetting everything but God's Love and then watch the miracles happen.  Can you allow enlightenment within you by just forgetting everything but Love?  Can you see every single thing, every second of your life today through the lens of Love and allow Love to lead your perception.  When we can commit to this practice, it does take diligence, it is not easy because the Mind will take us away into separation and into desires and stories.  It will take commitment in your heart, but you will be reminded today, guided by Holy Spirit as you want to practice living from Love and as you commit to this practice you will see the results of Love correcting your perception all day long, it's just going to start happening.  You will notice the blocks to Love you have placed in your mind, something your ego is projecting in this moment that would become an obstacle to Love.  These things reveal by God's grace within us when our heart is commit to Love.
• Dedicate yourself to this so that when Life calls you forward you can step back.
• Playing in the minor leagues versus playing in the major leagues, if you're a baseball player and you are just starting out your journey, you have to start somewhere but if we just throw you into a major league game and you are against a pitcher throwing a 95-mile-an-hour fastball you will strike out and that to be expected because you have not practiced hitting those fastballs.  The key is never allow guilt to be a factor in the equation when you get really triggered and something comes out of you.  Use it as a reminder to live from Love, practice with the little things, like making coffee and spill a little bit and you want to get angry - catch yourself and forgive the thought, clean up the mess and if you are practicing the awareness of Love's presence will dawn in your Mind instead.
• Each and every day, day by day, remind yourself to live from Love and gradually Holy Spirit awakens more each day so that we can meet these major league challenges of life and knock the ball out of the park.
• Ask yourself:  Where am I efforting my salvation?  Where am I trying to get enlightened on my own?  What part of me believes that I can accomplish enlightenment through my own efforts?
• The ego is the belief in separation and because we believe that we have to do our own salvation, we have to try harder, read more books, watch more videos, attend more retreats and if we just keep trying hard enough eventually we can reach this place called enlightenment.  Enlightenment is not a far off place that we reach through effort.  It is a state we realize when we forget all things except God's Love.  As we place our awareness on Love, as we lift our eyes to Love and Love alone we are met by grace.  And grace is the doer.  God's grace corrects our perception.  God's grace makes the miracles happen instantly and automatically.  If enlightenment is anything, it is just our absolute cooperation with grace.  Our absolute cooperation with Love.  And so to any part of us that is efforting, to any doer that is hiding in the shadows, we say to that part of us I need do nothing but forget all things except God's amazing Love.  God's all encompassing, omnipresent unconditional Love.  I surrender this part of me that thinks salvation is a prize to be earned with effort, or that it can be done by a person at all.  I lay this belief, this part of myself down at the altar and I surrender to Love.  Blessed creator, presence of perfect Love, we thank you for your grace happening within us today as we forget all things in time, as we forget our attachments, our resistance, our identities our memories and our stories and we remember only that you are perfect Love and that is all we need to be eternally satisfied, happy, and at peace.  We thank you that even now your peace is enveloping us, we thank you that even now enlightenment is happening within us.  We feel the joy, perfection and the presence of that perfect Love within us.  That is what we are fundamentally.  We are so grateful, we are so thankful for your guidance that you do all things within us, you do the miracles, you correct our perception.  You are the all doer.  We are the nondoer.  How simple, how freeing is salvation?  And we accept that salvation today.
• If you feel that in your heart, with that prayer, take a deep breath in and just feel even more activated in this knowing, this intention to live from Love, to let Love be your guided system.  Feel grateful, feel grounded.  This is a text you have to live.  Consider the accumulation effect of doing this every day.  Love is the most direct path one can take, as each and every day come back to it, let it get into us, go about our day, we are not asked to do anything more than that and as we are just beginning each day opening our heart to these truths then we watch as Holy Spirit, that grace begins to activate these lessons in our perception.  The effect is so gradual that you don't notice it until you are asked to look back on who you were and how your awareness feels now each day.

Learning to Love yourself

Notes:

• The process of learning to love yourself, what it has been is acknowledging and allowing all of the stuff in yourself - just allow the fact that you can be neurotic, have all your petty fears and that you sometimes get angry and sometimes are arrogant and sometimes doubt and it's all there and sometimes you're lazy, energetic, ego-needful and sometimes fulfilled and allow all of that and just keep allowing, saying yes to it.  Expanding to allow one's self.
• Sometimes one can feel guilty, ashamed, trivial, anxious, insecure, or at one with everybody - it is all parts of the dance, the flow, constantly saying, "And that too".  You can get into a depression, instead of announcing it, dig it.  Get into it, feel it, go through it, cultivate another part of your being that is called the witness or the listener or the noter that is there in addition to the part that is depressed or angry.
• Give up anger.  Anger isn't yourself, it's just another thing.  Give up identifying with it.  It's there, anger comes and goes and here you are, just keep cultivating the space that isn't all the stuff - cultivate it and use every time you get caught to pull you back up, use falling asleep to awaken.  Every time you start to feel the thickness of getting into being or doing, immediately that thickness says, "Uh oh, oops."  And you can come up again.  "Aah... good stuff."

Quote

The most important law in the universe

Notes:

• Humanity goes through free will check points where the public sphere and the collective is intentionally and purposefully shown very disturbing imagery that is pointing to the darker elements and the darker nature of this reality.
• We are then unknowingly given the choice whether we will use this new information to turn a blind eye, to use our ignorance, to fall deeper into unconsciousness or whether we will align ourselves with this new worldview and move in the direction of awakening no matter how uncomfortable maybe considering that it's through very disturbing and very alarming means.
• The karmic and metaphysical implications of natural law - natural law, also known as universal law is the most foundational and fundamental understanding of how this reality operates.
• All awakening beings need to be aware of this because it's the foundation from which higher level awakenings will unfold into, but if we don't have this basic groundwork understanding of this reality then we fall into all different types of distortions that corrupt our ability to become spiritually sovereign.  
• Natural law is the objective, universal laws that operate and run this reality regardless of whether we agree with them or not and regardless of where we are even aware of them or not.
• Natural law in a nutshell is that all beings are spiritually sovereign, fully free, and whether they know this or not they are always using their free will in any given circumstance to either align correctly with morality or to be out of alignment with morality - in what is called wrong action, and this is the groundwork for higher levels of revelation.  
• Whether our actions are wrong or right or whether any given situation is bad or good, at a higher level of being is entirely debatable and even philosophical because at that level we are tapped into nonduality.  
• However, would you want the universe or would you want source, your higher aspects to have an apathetic perception of the pain and suffering that happens at a lower level of reality/dimension?
• The universe, although entirely nonjudgmental and completely unconditional is not neutral.  It's biased - it's towards Love and the expression of Love is freedom.
• So freedom is the correct state, it's the state of health, a sign of health and harmony with the universe and that's done through becoming spiritually sovereign. 
• So, being an awakened being is being in our correct form which is health and that is expressed through being free, liberated, because we no longer need to be ruled over by forces because we are not aware enough and too unconscious to not do harm because being unconscious naturally creates the perfect conditions for every form of suffering one could imagine because unconsciousness is being deeply in separation consciousness.  
• And separation consciousness is the lowest vibratory rate that a being can operate from, so it's when we are an unawakened state, unconscious and even if we didn't want to do harm in that state, naturally we would inflict all sorts of pain and from a universal perspective that is not health.  We don't consider unconsciousness healthy.  So by the means, the objectiveness of the universal perception, a being who has come into their spiritual sovereignty enough to discern that there are harmful actions one can take and that there are aligned actions that one can take is a responsible enough being to not have to be ruled over by so many cosmic laws.
• This is the main reason why we yearn so much to meet our higher dimensional aspects or we want a lot of encounters to come to earth or disclosure, we want to have contact with more of the extraterrestrial landscape that we know and can sense exists, but do you see how if humanity is still in a very unconscious state, where they are not aware of natural law and have not aligned their actions with it then we are not mature enough or responsible enough entities to be able to be lead out into the celestial jungle.
• So the first thing that we would need to understand about what universal/natural law is, is that we as individual sovereign beings, whether we see it or not, aware of it are 100 percent accountable for not just our actions, but also our nonactions and that what guides actions and nonactions is known as karma, but what this karma is pointing to is that we have to take responsibility for this esoteric concept known as morality.
• Every tradition of occultism teaches natural law.  When we are thinking of the term morality, what we are doing is usually projecting onto morality everything that we consider moral, or our values, but morality is none of those projections.
• From an esoteric perception, morality is simply to violate another being or to not violate them.  If you are not violating another being, then you are doing a moral action and if you are violating a being, then you are doing an unaligned and unmoral action.
• Immorality lies in a being's freedom, you are taking away a being's freedom.  Spiritual sovereignty is awakening into love and the expression of Love from universal law is freedom.
• So a being let alone a collective that is not in their true freedom, that is in a feigned state of freedom is entirely unhealthy and the consciousness of that collective would not be what is considered by universal perception and by natural law a conscious, aligned and sovereign collective.
• So the guiding force of this universal law is this mystical concept known as morality, and morality is gauging how much we are violating or not violating another being's freedom.
• Violating another being's freedom is the true definition of morality.  This is where you might think, "Well the lines blur because sometimes a moral action in one situation may not be a moral action in another."  And that is correct.  When we talk about the lines blurring between what is moral in any given situation, that is now in the realm of dharma.  
• When what is bad or wrong actions are the most aligned and correct actions to take - but since we are talking about universal law and nor dharma, we can gauge that this doesn't need to be philosophical.
• Violating another being's free will in any form and in any capacity is against natural law and there is karmic implications.
• There is also karmic implications for being not taking actions as well, and this is important to know because we don't understand that we are sovereign and that we always have freewill but people/the powers that were do know that, they know that and it is immensely important for us to not know how powerful we are and not know the power of our own freewill. 
• This is called occulted information.  Occulted simply means hidden.  You would have to hide how important a being's freewill is from themselves so that they are in a lower state of consciousness and this state of consciousness is exactly the perfect conditions for all sorts of negative karma because it's not just the actions that we are taking, it's how the nonactions that we are not taking that have severe karmic implications.
• Let's say that the public sphere because of the law of revelation of the method showed a darker nature to this reality through high fashion photoshoots that were explicitly and objectively disturbing and now that was a freewill checkpoint for beings to become aware of this darker nature of reality that was just shown to us, there was no way around it, let's say a being still looked at that and could not deal with the implications of what that would mean, because if they accepted that the photoshoot from that high fashion show had such dark intentions and such disturbing nature that a being who is not of that same psyche cannot even wrap their head around - they can't fathom a nature that is opposite of their own.
• So we project our humanity onto a completely different nature, and let's say, yeah we are rattled - but that it wears off because we start numbing the implications of what that would mean and so we go into a state of denial and from this state we start scoffing at anything that is against this worldview that we are protecting now, so now we are more interested in protecting our worldview from having to be utterly dismantled at these implications of this darker nature of reality that was shown to us.
• And we also don't know because this information was occulted from us that by higher laws, we were having to be shown what's going on behind the scenes, outside of the public sphere.
• So it's a way to karmically clean one's hands by not violating our freewill and so what we're doing now is being a part of a very large and dark ritual by taking in images and then denying the deeper implications of what that would mean because what we love more than truth and what we love more than getting to a spiritually sovereign and truly awakened state is coming from a state of denial and coming from a lower programming that actually makes us make excuses.  That's what this program does.  It makes us turn on excuses that defend it's worldview and keep our psyche buffered from anything like disturbing elements or anything that will disturb the level of reality that that being is operating at.
• Natura law is so savage that not only if a being does not take correct action, which in this example would be to align themselves with this disturbing new world view and to go deeper into the implications of what was shown, but also natural law holds other people accountable for not teaching people about natural law which means that by the eyes of universal law, if one were not to share with beings the truth about natural law, then even you would have karmic repercussions - this is how no chill this universe is - if you know something, you have to say something, but all of this actually comes back to the golden rule because another name for natural law and one that we are far more aware of is the golden rule - so natural law is universal law is known mostly through the name: The golden rule which is do unto others as you would have done unto you, and this rule, this law is communicating morality.  Universal morality through - do not violate, harm, to the best of our consciousness, because once again there is nuance with what we consider harm but when talking about the golden rule it's not talking about those grey areas, it is talking about straight up violating another being.
• When we are violating another being, we are in dis-ease, we are in an unconscious state and there's not only karmic repercussions for that, there's karmic repercussions indirectly through all of our collective ignorance as well as our collective apathy and this is why we know the saying "ignorance is the only evil" it is because to be in any state of ignoring something is to allow the perfect conditions for evil to continue perpetuating itself and for it to breed which is why apathy or making excuses or not awakening is not only just a dangerous state to be in for a human being onto others but also the metaphysical repercussions of that are that not having our vibratory rate at a high enough level to be in our true health, which is the freedom of being responsible enough to take responsibility for our actions, to also know that we have free will so there is no such thing as order/following from the spiritual perception, that is an illusion.
• Also know that we don't violate other beings to the best of our ability.  Those three conditions are what allow a person to come more into alignment with natural law and by doing so, once you have that at a collective level you can start unlocking more psychic abilities, start making stronger contact with higher dimensional, more positively inclined entities, you can start manifesting on earth a golden age, or what we would consider the new earth.
• None of this can take place without first understanding that humanity goes through rites of passage, or freewill checkpoints and at these freewill checkpoints we are shown disturbing things that are pointing and implying that there is a darker nature to this reality going on, and if we don't align with this new world view that accommodates more disturbing elements than we were once comfortable or used to, what happens is we are not able to become fully aligned in consciousness because now what's happened is we created buffers or programs that are keeping away more information about this reality that we are in and because of that we won't be able to take healthy steps, steps towards freedom for ourselves and for others because we are in a state of ignorance and that is the perfect soil, the perfect conditions for breeding more evil.
• If we do use these freewill checkpoints to act as catalyst towards awakening whatever that might be, what that does is help us to understand and see what is distorted and disturbed within this reality so that we can embody this new world view for the sole purpose of being able to take healthier and more conscious actions.
• From that space of being able to have a more aligned and accurate worldview, we are able to make more conscious actions, the universe has a zero tolerance rule for ignorance and for nonaction in the face of explicit evil, meaning if we can't recognize the most basic forms of harmful intentions and worse if we make excuses for them, then we are not a fit species.  We do not meet the most basic criteria for true evolution.
• From this point of view, Hell would be neutrality because it is the accumulation of no conscious actions that create the consensus experience of violence.  So before we can access the higher levels of spiritual evolution and the miraculous, we have to understand and apply these ground rules to our life and deeds.
• You would be surprised the type of actions that we want to manifest in our lives that we think have nothing to do with other elements, more collective elements, but if we are not positioned correctly within the closest and most accurate ability to perceive this world and this reality, then that can even leak into and start meddling with our own personal manifestations that have nothing to do with the collective all because we are not coming from a space of being able to take truly conscious actions.

"Awaken.  Let me respectfully remind you."

This poem hits me to the core.  It's as though this writer has seen it all and knows, he has obtained the knowledge of the Gods and seeks to give his wisdom to those who need it most, and I am so grateful for it... when I read and hear these words, I don't worry so much for those around me, but for the hatred within.  I can see how it gets into others, but their choice to act is not my business or concern.  I hear these words and I am reminded of the battle of the mind - of truly being and doing good - of what's at stake - my own finest art is on the line.  To allow the seed of hatred a voice is not only to ruin the soul of another, but it in the end cuts you up even more.  There is nowhere else to look for such things.  If you can neutralize it in yourself, then the world follows suit.  But you have to be authentic with this.  Very honest about where you are at, where you are failing and what you want to be.  I plan to continue doing this, with all my heart.  There is a darkness in the hearts of mankind that plagues most of us, as I have written many times.  I want to do a post designed to showcase this thing, but I worry it will bring more of it into my life...  I've seen its face, I've seen what it can do.  I want to change the world, but first I must focus on my own thought process before anything can take root.  I want my harvest, my seeds to be Good.  This is my wish, my desire, my intention.  I've watched carefully as my hatred has risen, and fallen, as it has tried various ways to convince me that some form of self righteousness is in my best interest.  Perhaps... as it is called to be removed, it's simply showing me all its tricks.  Like a parasite that's been caught, that's doing all that it can to hold on tightly - perhaps this surge in vitriol is simply the programming giving a few last cries before being snuffed out?

"The genius of the crowd"

There is enough treachery, hatred violence absurdity in the average
Human being to supply any given army on any given day

And the best at murder are those who preach against it
And the best at hate are those who preach love
And the best at war finally are those who preach peace

Those who preach god, need god
Those who preach peace do not have peace
Those who preach peace do not have love

Beware the preachers
Beware the knowers
Beware those who are always reading books
Beware those who either detest poverty
Or are proud of it
Beware those quick to praise
For they need praise in return
Beware those who are quick to censor
They are afraid of what they do not know
Beware those who seek constant crowds for
They are nothing alone
Beware the average man the average woman
Beware their love, their love is average
Seeks average

But there is genius in their hatred
There is enough genius in their hatred to kill you
To kill anybody
Not wanting solitude
Not understanding solitude
They will attempt to destroy anything
That differs from their own
Not being able to create art
They will not understand art
They will consider their failure as creators
Only as a failure of the world
Not being able to love fully
They will believe your love incomplete
And then they will hate you
And their hatred will be perfect

Like a shining diamond
Like a knife
Like a mountain
Like a tiger
Like hemlock

Their finest art

"It hurts even more..."

Quote

Can I be sure I'm saved if persevering is the proof?

Notes:

• True Christians are one who persevere to the end and in the sad circumstances where someone professes faith but then falls away, they were never truly a Christian.  In my own life I believe I have been saved and see the fruit of this however as a long time Christian do you know of people who have been convinced, would have appeared to bear fruit but later showed to not truly be saved by abandoning their faith?  If my salvation is only true and evidenced by my perseverance, how much weight can I attach to God's promises?
• He who began a Good work in you will see it through to completion at the day of Christ Jesus, but how can I know this is true for me when it's only when I have run the race set before me that I will truly know that I did persevere and was truly saved?
• God is at pains to show that the more drawn out is not true.  It is only when I have run the race set before me that I will truly know that I did persevere - well, of course only after you have persevered can you know that you did persevere.  You can only know that you did something past tense after you do it.
• You can only know truly that you are saved after you persevere to the end and prove that you are a Christian by your perseverance - on this side of perseverance, when it is unfinished that there can be no true knowledge, assurance that we will persevere and that's what God is at pains to show is false.  It's not true.
• But it is true to point out that all the promises of God's preservation assume that we know we're included in those promises.  That's the question - how can we know?  Do you think God gave all of those promises to his church to keep them guessing?  Was that the point?  Do you think all those promises are pointless?  The promises are ones like this: I am sure of this that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Christ.  God will sustain you to the end guiltless in the day of the Lord Jesus, God is faithful by whom you were called into the fellowship.
• May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of the Lord Jesus, he who calls you is faithful.  He will surely do it.  By God's power you are being kept guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed.
• Those whom he predestined, he called he justified and those whom he justified he glorified.  All the justified make it to the end.
• I am sure that neither death nor life nor angels nor rulers nor things present, to come, powers, height, depth anything else in all creation will be able to separate us.  Us.  From the love of God in Christ.
• How can I know I am in the "us"?  That's the crucial question.  But if you come with that question with suspicion that you can't know, then what's the point of all the promises?  Is God just tantalizing us?  The clear implication of all those promises is that God intends for his children to take Heart from them.
• He wants us to be encouraged, to lay down our heads on the pillow at night absolutely confident that if our Heart stops beating while we are asleep and we wake up, we will wake up in heaven.  We will.  He doesn't want us to put our head down and wonder if you die if you're going to heaven.  Christians should not feel that way.
• However we do it, the Bible wants us to do it - to enjoy that assurance, that's what the promises are there for.
• God wants us to experience this and how to experience it:  Therefore brothers be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election.  It's possible.  Make firm and unshakable the calling that you have experienced.
• Whether we can know if we are among the called and elect, when those promises are made to us - it is being said, "Confirm your calling and election, make it firm.  We can be assured and know, how do we know?  For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body you will eternally live, for all who are lead into that warfare with sin by the Spirit are sons of God, for you did not receive the Spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption.  The Spirit himself bearing witness with our Spirit that we are the children of God.  Being confirmed is that the Holy Spirit testifies, bears witness with our Spirit that we are the children of God - that witness/testimony is not a whisper in our ear.
• What witnesses do it a court room is give evidence and two are mentioned here - what the Holy Spirit is doing in us creating the evidence and the testimony is number one:  All who are lead by the Spirit are sons of God.  The logic makes clear what he means.  This is the ground for the fact that you will live if you make warfare with sin.  If the Holy Spirit is leading you into warfare with your sin so that you hate sin - and looks to the Spirit to fight sin, this is the testimony of the Spirit that you belong to God.
• The second evidence of the Spirit's testimony is that he is crying from the Heart.  The point is when this cry arises from a Heart with authentic humble need of a helpless child craving and desperately in need of a Father's wisdom and care, provision and rescue, a ready Heart - ready to submit like a trusting child, that is the work of the Holy Spirit.  No human being feels those affections except the Spirit brought.
• You can't say Jesus is Lord let alone God is Father without the Holy Spirit so in the end assurance that we belong to God, we are his child/promised/elect is a gift of God.  A miracle.  But as with other miracles in the Christian life, we don't lie around on our sofa waiting for a bolt of lightening called assurance.  We do what we confirm our calling and election.  This is war.  There are reasons, there are seasons of doubt.
• That's why you should fight for it, don't coast.  Confirm your calling.  Fight the good fight of faith.  God does not want his children to fight and fail in the war, he means for us to enjoy the presence and the power of the Holy Spirit and the assurance of our salvation.
• We act the miracle.

How to be filled with the spirit

Notes:

• So how do we be those people to where God's just spilling out of us all the time?  He tells us speak to one another with psalms, hymns and songs.  Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
• Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  You can see this, but here's what's going in, you've got this verb that says, "Continually be filled with the Spirit."  Under it come these four participles, Be filled.  Speaking to one another.  Singing.  Thanking God and submitting to one another.
• How do I become filled with Spirit?  Speak the way I speak, if I want to be filled with spirit then I need to start Speaking to my Christian friends, brothers and sisters with psalms, with hymns, with spiritual songs.
• What does that mean?  How do you Speak to someone with a hymn?  What are the psalms in the Old Testament?  They are words of poetry that are written to God.  They are expressions of praise to God.  What are the hymns?  The hymns are what they would sing that we still sing today as expressions of praise to God - that's the idea, these words and the idea is that you want to Speak to one another in such a fashion.  
• When you get together, Speak to them about how we can praise God, about the things that God has done in your life, have him be the center of conversation, live a spiritual life then in your conversations you need to Speak to one another about your praises to God.
• The second thing is physically you Speak to one another that way, but you should sing.  Be filled with Spirit and then sing and make music in your Heart to God.  Do that throughout the day.  Make yourself vulnerable to God and sing, that's why God made music so that we would use it to glorify him and he wants us to do that in our Heart.  Doesn't always have to be out loud.  A tune, melody to God.  That changes you.
• If you do that throughout the day, the Holy Spirit starts changing you.  You start talking about God, singing, that's what living a Spirit filled life is about.  Just you and God.  Music in your Heart.  Try this.  When you are alone, driving, if other people are around, a melody to guide you.
• The next thing here is always give thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of Lord Jesus Christ.  Always and everything.  Always giving thanks to God for everything.  If we did this and thanked him for being alive for the small things all day, until the end of the day, if you did this, you would be a different person.  You would be changed.  The Holy Spirit would be running through you, and singing, and in your conversations praising God - that's living a spiritual life, every aspect of your life.
• The last thing - submit to one another out of reverence for Christ and the point is in these relationships we are supposed to honor God, how we serve one another and submit to the authority structure that God has put us under and we do it in harmony, in peace, in love and we serve and this is important because it makes you love everyone if you are having a hard time loving them, to view them with the same dignity.
• The Bible says a Spirit filled person is a person who is living in harmony with other people and that he is serving these people.  He is submitting to them out of a fear of the Lord.  You are not worshipping God if you are not serving your loved ones - love your wives as Christ loved the church.
• He wants our relationships with him and with our connections to be right.
• If you want to be a person filled with the Holy Spirit, it's going to take effort.  You need to do these things, it doesn't just happen to you.  How badly do you want it, to be that person that can't hide God?  God is just coming out of you.  People see it in you.  Be this person.  Live this life, it is fulfilling.  Take this seriously.  What are you going to do with it?

"Faith"

Know the road gets hard
And you just wanna leave
I ain't ever too far
Just have a little faith in me
When all the fears you hide
Are all you can believe
Oh, I'll be standing by your side
Just have little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When you don't know who you are
I will find you so easily (Oh)
Don't you worry, whenever you need me
Have a little faith in me (In me)

Let me shine and radiate
With your love and light, and help me make
Any change I can in this world today
Just show me the way

Have a little faith (Just show me the way)
Have a little faith (Show me the way)
Have a little faith

Integrate yourself up the vibrational ladder

Notes:

• A lucid dream is to be awake in your higher consciousness looking from the perspective of your higher self - from the template level.  The colour represents the level of energy dealing with symbolically going up the chakra spectrum - the idea is that orange is above red, it is an indication that you have gone from a grounded level to another level right above physical reality.
• As you shift your consciousness into physical perspective lucidity will fade away.
• A step up is a step up, no matter what you level is - celebrate it.
• You are seeing from the template higher self reality - you have moved your eyes so to speak, your spiritual eyes up like looking through a periscope from a higher perspective still connected to physical reality but knowing from the vibrational colour that you are above the vibration of physical reality which would be red.
• Can can see when you are relaxed and can allow this to happen to be willing to let you see from a higher perspective without being afraid so that you can now integrate those two levels, you can remember that experience and as you remember it - you will actually recreate that frequency within yourself and start blending those two together and as you blend those together and if you wish to keep doing that, you can and then the next time you may see that everything is yellow.  And then the next everything is green, and then blue, indigo, violet - and you can take yourself up the vibrational ladder that way.
• Give yourself an opportunity to step on the first wrung and see how it feels and now that you have done that you can stretch farther.  All you have to do is integrate what you've experienced and be open and willing to experience more and it will continue to grow - this is your way of doing it.
• Wish to see a yellow light - or a green light - you can wish it but it's not about wishing - it's about allowing and accepting what happens to be representative that you have stretched and not putting any judgement on it so you can integrate it and it is the integration that will allow you to go further more than the wishing of it.  Because the pace and which you will do it will be perfect for you and if you wish with your Mind you may become frustrated when it doesn't happen in the right timing, so relax the wishing and simply have more allowing, knowing that's where you're going.

Quote

Don't give up
Let us not become weary in doing Good, for at the proper time will reap a harvest if we don't give up.  I know you're tired, wiped out and come here today and feel that you can't do the right thing anymore, it's too hard - I'm just going to give it up - come on... don't grow weary in this... don't give it up.  I know it's just so hard to walk the right path sometimes but you can't get tired of it because there's that promise that if you don't give up you're going to reap a harvest.  It's been a tough long haul and you have been fighting and you're tired and want to quit, but don't give up.  There's a reward in it.  Claim that verse.  You gotta keep doing what God's called you to do.  He starts off the passage - don't be deceived - don't let anyone drag you in this wrong direction.  Stop being lead astray.  Stop being lead astray, God is not mocked.  Mocked is the idea of being fooled, or being ridiculed.  You ever have someone mock you?  As a kid it starts there, it just always... trying to tease or trick you.  The idea of tricking one another and then you get older in life and pretty soon it's not so funny.  Pretty soon people start lying to you, promising things to you, telling you how much they care and you realize it's all a joke.  And people that make promises to you break your heart and you feel fooled.  You think everything is good, that people care, that they mean it, a man or woman of their word and they start lying to you and it kills you.  People act like it's good, together, like they are leaders and you find out the truth later on and you go, "Wow, you totally fooled me the whole time.  You've been fooling me for years."  Don't be deceived because you're not going to do that to God.

You have to See where you want to Be:
Once upon a time a master called his student and told him to come along to watch him during his bow shooting practice.  The student had already seen his master shooting his bow at least a hundred times but nonetheless he followed him obediently.  They walked through the forest for some time until they reached the usual spot.  A huge lightening with a big oak tree right in the middle of it, there the master proceeded to unpack the items he had brought with him.  As usual, he took out his long bow and the arrows and as usual he took out a small flower from under his belt and fixed it to one of the oak's branches.  Only this time, he also had a silken scarf with him, which he asked the student to blindfold him with and then to accompany him to the usual spot.  More than nine hundred feet away from the tree, then he took his shot as usual. 
"Now go and see if I hit the flower, then come back and tell me."  He instructed the student.  As he came near the tree, the student noticed that not only the flower was intact but that the arrow had not even hit the massive oak and was nowhere to be seen.  Confused he went back to his master, uncertain how to tell him what he had seen.  "So tell me my student, did I hit the center of the flower as I always do?" The master asked him with a smile on his face.
The student was feeling truly uncomfortable at this point.  "Master.  You didn't hit the flower.  Not even the tree.  I couldn't find the arrow.  You must have missed by a great length."  He answered.  Since he wouldn't ever lie to his master who strangely enough didn't change expression by a bit and was still smiling serenely.  "But master, I don't understand."  Said the student.  "I thought you wanted to teach me that concentration and the power of thought would make the arrow find it's target."
"Just so, my dear student."  The master replied, seemingly pleased by his words.  "But you won't ever hit a target that you cannot see.  You see in life, in your life, to get to your goal, to get to where you want to be in life, you first have to see it, you have to see your target.  You have to see your goal, otherwise all the concentration and power of thought in the world will make you miss your target because you cannot see it.  So open your eyes and see where you want to go in life."

The Power of Applied Faith

Notes:

• I can help you and everyone who needs my help but I can never give you that for which you are not ready.
• Whatever the Mind can conceive and believe, the Mind can achieve. 
•  Let me call your attention to a great power which is under your control, a power which is greater than poverty, greater than the lack of education, greater than all of your fears and superstitions combined.  it is the power to take possession of your own Mind and direct it to whatever ends you may desire.
• Poverty, fear, illiteracy and superstition - the four horsemen of which keep most people in bondage all the days of their lives.  
• Faith is not something you get, faith is something you already have but you may be using it in reverse gear by believing in the circumstances and things you do not want, the things you fear.
• When you speak of your poverty and lack of education, you are simply directing your Mind power to attract these undesirable circumstances because it is true that whatever your Mind feeds upon your mind attracts to you.
• Now you understand why it is important that you recognize that all success begins with definitiveness of purpose - a clear picture in your Mind of what you want from life.
• Everyone comes to the Earth plane blessed with the privilege of controlling his Mind power and directing it to whatever ends he may choose.
• Your only limitations are those which you set up in your own Mind or permit others to set up for you.
• Your faith is limited only by your own capacity to believe.
• Faith is guidance only it is not a power which will bring you what you want, but a power that can guide you to go after what you want and get it.
• There is no such thing as something for nothing, everything including your personal success has a price that must be paid, a negative mental attitude can bring you nothing but failure.
• Remember also your mental attitude is the one and the only thing over which you have complete control.
• Success is something which has to be planned, and success is something which has to be earned in advance.
• True there is suck a thing as luck, but just remember that luck is something you can create for yourself if you know the rules and follow them and the best definition of success is this:  Success is the knowledge with which to get whatever you want from life without violating the rights of others and by helping others to acquire it.
• Your only real limitation is the one you accept and set up in your own Mind.
• The habit of going the extra mile develops greater self reliance and gives one courage to move ahead without worry of criticism from others.
• It helps you to master the destructive habit of procrastination, know what you want and believe that you can and will get it.
• Give expressions of gratitude many time a day for having received that which you want, even before you actually get possession of it.  Possession starts first in the mind, there can be no application of applied faith without action.
• When overtaken by defeat, as you may be many times, remember that man's faith is tested many times before he is crowned with final victory and accept your defeat as nothing more than a challenge to keep on trying.
• I can give you a fine example of how nature forces man to go the extra mile in order that he may produce the food with which to exist - the farmer must follow the habit of clearing the ground, fencing it, plowing it and planting the seed at the right season of the year, all of which he must do in advance without compensation of any kind.  If he does his part of the work properly, he then hands the job over to nature, sits down and waits for her to do her part and within a brief period nature yields back to him the seed he planted plus perhaps an increase of a hundred times that amount to compensate him for having gone the extra mile.  Thus we see that the law of increasing returns comes to the aid of the man who goes the extra mile.
• I say this is your greatest asset with which you may tap and draw upon the supreme power of which created you and runs this entire universe, the name of this principal is "applied faith".  And I want you to remember it, it is not something I am bringing to you but it is something you already possess although you may not have made use of it in the past.  Applied faith is the mental attitude wherein you may clear your mind of all fears and doubts and direct it to the attainment of whatever you desire in life.
• Applied faith is a mental attitude we must cultivate and maintain before we can take complete possession of our Minds.
• We are now at this very moment standing in front of the gateway with which can be opened with a great master key to success - applied faith.
• Most people make a negative application of their great power of faith by thinking about and believing in poverty, ill health, fear, failure and defeat when it would be so easy for them to just change their thinking over to the circumstances of things they desire.
• How many times the average person must fail before he quits, failed because of the lack of capacity for belief?  How many times can you meet with defeat before you give up and quit?
• Belief is truly a magic word because it is the beginning of all successes, it is the very foundation of civilization.  It is the one quality you must develop before you can make use of the great master key to success.
• To be successful, you must become a person with a great capacity of belief and a place to start believing is with yourself.  You should begin by recognizing that you were born with the privilege of complete control over your own Mind.
• You can take full possession of your Mind and make it yield you whatever you demand in life.
• If your life is not what you want it to be, you can change it.  As a matter of fact, you can do anything within reason that you desire to do if you embrace the principal of applied faith and keep it directed to the attainment of things you want and off the things you do not want.

Stay the course.

I could run
I could cry, I could plead
I could say it's never gonna get
Any better and leave
I could throw my hands up
I could fall to my knees
I could tell myself I'm strong enough
To give all the love that I need

But I still need you
To ease my load
Hold me when the lightning strikes
Lead me home
When I don't know which way is right
Love me when it's hard
I promise that I'm not
Leaving from your side
And when I fall apart
Promise in the dark
You'll be my nightlight

I could count
Every timе that I've fallen (Fallen)
Evеn when I'm in so deep
It gets hard to see, you're still all in
I've been lost
By myself in the darkness
Know that I can find my way
Even on the days when it's hardest

"Nothing has been broken... nothing could Be further from the Truth."

And yet, the rocket did not fly.  It fell to the Earth.  I was unable to fly.  More Hopi prophesy.  I Know... this is because my Words and internal thoughts, my actions still do not match up.  But... you must Know, I have only just started this journey.  I intended to bring All manner of Good things to fruition, but this is a process, isn't it?  I Know... there is a way to go.  I mean, how high can you go with a sticky Mind?  I mean, would you even Know where you were going with a broken Heart?  Have I failed?  Have I done something wrong?  Each action lends to this double sided Truth - "nothing is broken" and yet I do not fly.  I'm trying more than I have ever tried before and I've made progress - everything has softened or is on it's way to softening and opening.  And I do this alone... mostly... with the Gods of whom I Am only just beginning to truly Know... so... I don't understand.  I never threw out my promises, it's just that you are asking me to take on a lot - to absorb so many new perspectives, to go within, to Heal myself, to have Faith, to never stray and to Trust, to manage planetary connections while giving me conflicting information, to bring water, to fight for Life, to heal from possession, to forgive and open my Heart and Love and somehow... to manage and juggle All of this and keep the path as straight as an arrow.  I Am trying.  Please Know this.  I come in peace.  The negativity in my Mind Will clear, I Know how to do it Now.  I Will keep going, working on my mental demons until they clear.  Maybe as I work through this, I won't fall back down.  I Feel like I Am being threatened to Be thrown away, or to be marked as a failure - you're giving me no breathing room.  You make me cry... I thought for a moment that nothing was broken, and then I realized that I Am stuck in prophecy, forever mending the nature of two opposites.  You wear me down with this and yet I Am still not enough...
"Ignore the noise and keep building."  It's All I can do...

You are a pure soul and you have a soft heart.  You feel everything so deeply.  Having a soft heart is never something to apologize for.  That sensitivity is your superpower, not your weakness.  Don't let anybody tell you different.  Trust your nature, the world needs more of you.  The world is in need of softness, compassion and Light.  Keep close to people who genuinely appreciate you.  Keep and protect your kind nature.  Stay safe through the Journey of life and always Shine Your Light.

For art establishes the basic human truth which must serve as the touchstone of our judgment.  The artist however faithful to his personal vision of reality, becomes the lost champion of the individual mind and sensibility against an intrusive society and an officious state.  The great artist is thus a solitary figure.  He has as Frost said, "They love his quarrel with the world in pursuing his perceptions of reality.  He must often sail against the currents of his time."  This is not a popular role.  If Robert Frost was much honored during his lifetime, it was because a good many preferred to ignore his truths yet in retrospect we see how the fidelity has strengthened the fiber of our national life.  If sometimes our great artists have been the most critical of our society, it is because their sensitivity and their concern for justice which must motivate any true artist makes him aware that our nation falls short of its highest potential.  I see little of more importance to the future of our country and our civilization then full recognition of the place of the artist. 

If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes.  We must never forget that art is not a form of propaganda, it is a form of Truth and as Mr. McLeish once remarked, "The Poets - There is nothing worse for our trade than to be in style.  In free society, thought is not a weapon and it does not belong to the sphere of polemics and ideology."  Artists are engineers of the Soul.  It may be different elsewhere, the Democratic society in it the highest duty of the writer, the composer, the artist, is to remain true to himself.  To let the chips fall where they may and serving his vision of the Truth, the artist best serves his nation.

 And the nation which disdains the mission of art invites the fate of having nothing to look backward to with pride and nothing to look forward to with hope.  I look forward to a great future for America.  A future in which our country will match its military strength with our moral restraints, wealth with our wisdom, it's power with our purpose.  I look forward to an America which will not be afraid of grace and beauty, which will protect the beauty of our natural environment, which will preserve the great old American houses and squares and parks of our national past and which will build handsome and balanced cities for our future.  I look forward to an America which will reward achievement in the arts as we reward achievement in business for statecraft.  I look forward to an America which will steadily raise the standards of artistic accomplishment and which will steadily enlarge cultural opportunities for all of our citizens and I look forward to an America which commands respect throughout the world not only for its strength, for its civilization as well.  And I look forward to a world which will be safe not only for democracy and diversity but also for personal distinction.  

Robert Frost was often skeptical about projects for human Improvement, yet I do not think he would disdain this hope as he wrote during the uncertain days of the second war.  Take human nature altogether since time began, and it must be a little more in favor of man say a fraction of one percent.  At the very least our hold on the planet wouldn't have so increased because of Mr. Frosts life and work, but because of the life and work of this college our hold on this planet has increased.

"Hate to See you cry"

Home late at night you got the icing in your hand and ballin’
Just wanna give a hug but spiralling, my thoughts are brawlin’
Picking apart a moment caught up in my self involvement
If I could just think enough, I swear I’d fix a chronic problem
But all you need is love, compassion and man who’s solemn
Not a dude who’s so obsessed with constant problem solvin’
I can improve, but deep in my truth, I know I’m pretty flawed
But you are my muse, part time masseuse, you are my building block

And all I need’s a beat to bring me back
So I wrote this song just to get on track

I hate to see you cry
Nothing kills me more girl, when I see you cry
You got me feeling like

And when I said I hate your father, know I didn’t mean it
I just get so pissed about the the way you were mistreated
If I was there baby I’d swear you wouldn’t walk alone
When it was dark, when it would pour, it was a horror show
I know
Pick you up and take you anywhere you want
Paint the town in gold for you, I wish that you could hit restart
I mean it
And even though a couple years you felt so cheated
I’ll do my best to make the rest of them feel unimpeded

And all I need’s a beat that can bring me back
So I wrote this song just to get on track

"Go to the limits of your longing..."

God Speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night.  These are the Words we dimly hear.  You sent out beyond your recall go to the limits of your longing.  Embody me, flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in.  Let everything happen to you.  Beauty and terror, just keep going.  No feeling is final.  Don't let yourself lose me.  Nearby is the country they call Life you will know it by its seriousness.  Give me your hand.

I See what you have been trying to do Now - with it All laid out I get it.  ...It's struck me.  You've been protecting me the whole time, managing and mitigating things that would stain the art process.  It is my duty Now to continue to build unhindered, to allow the intuition to flow into me, and not to get stuck.  This is the nature of Being an accurate scribe.  The insights are there if I Am Willing to listen properly.  We're building something, you and I.  And I Will come to Know the reason for it someday.  I'll try to Be more patient.  I accept it.

Toxic karmic ties/soul contracts - This video discusses toxic soul ties/karmic stuff - I wouldn't say it got as extreme as what's mentioned in this video, but this is what I was trying to avoid with my work initially anyways in the first place - I don't do "human stuff", which is why I felt confused to be managing what I call a "grifter energy". I tried to get away from it but each time I stepped back or questioned anything, I was threatened and told that my work would be damaged and that I would mess with things that I didn't understand.  The fear of losing out on all this progress kind of held me hostage.  I didn't even want it, I felt like, "Maybe I am supposed to move in this way but I'm lowkey feeling my power being relegated to things that I can't work with and it's bumming me out and I feel almost imprisoned by having to work with this energy."  So I just kind of left a bunch of options open keeping a half-step in my work until I could figure out what was going on.  After watching this, I can safely say that this experience with this energy has been one of pure karma, possibly something to help jettison some understanding about myself and the world, who knows?  But it's not the "thing" I am looking for - I was attributing traits of a deity of some sort onto just some normal dude - I don't think a person can do what I am trying to accomplish which brings me back to why I don't work with human energy.  But who Knows?  Maybe in the Hearts of various people there are these budding traits slowly unraveling down the line into something potentially great?  I couldn't really say...
But I am extremely jubilant - like... just so unbelievably glad, because I have bigger fish to fry and knowing this now I feel like I can actually "move on" without messing anything up under the substrate - that's my main thing.  I have spiritual gifts that mean a LOT to me, and to lose them for something as fickle as a non-existent pseudo-connection is really kind of a drag.
 This video single handedly broke the spell for this karmic situation - and probably for any future connection - I'll never follow something with that level of naivety.  I'm... free!  Maybe now I can get my sight back... wouldn't that be nice?  Thank you, God!  Some negative emotions have lessened, but I still feel chronically the same - with or without some catalyst to remind me of them.  And as I write here, the mechanism of this thing tries to draw me back - in my environment, emotionally and within syncs.
Whatever this thing is, it took over my gift of abstraction and turned it against me in a weird way.  I think the only permanent solution for this is to peace out, like... don't look at that person (out of respect for myself and them), don't allow abstraction to root in that way and if it comes up - see it as some creepy thing that happened and block it post haste and avoid allowing things like that to interfere with my healing project.  Anything that blends in the wrong manner needs to be dealt with as the lie that it is.  I'll know something is up when it starts getting fear based - like, if something manifesting starts pulling me into it with threats and judgement.
The next morning: It's power over me is completely neutralized  - as if it never were.  I am a free bird.

I would never want or desire to get in between Love, as I believe that Love is the only thing that can save this world - homewrecking is 'not' my jam.  To get in between that (as if I even could ) is to cut short a divine law, to allow the thing I fear most - the demon of greed to take over and ruin something Good - Love gives people the power to fight battles, it keeps away the darkness - grow it, nurture it, Be Good to one another.  Be blessed.  Cheers. 

"Don't let it control you."
"Relationship training - change your ethics - Empathy."
I won't give up - I still have Faith and Trust.  Show me more areas of delusion, I Am ready.  I Will begin sending out Love and Light starting tomorrow morning to offset this bad energy that I've collected.  I hope it Will serve you.

 - With Love, "Gigi"

• "Lofi Girl' failed her test - "When you study for hours but still fail the test" - *sigh*  If this is true - I feel that I did everything right.  I've... looked within, I've tempered my words, I'm softening, I've let all manner of things go that do not belong to me without any form of bitterness or resentment, I'm learning about self Love, I'm trying to reach out to the divine without being selfish about it - but I am anxious about this and I know that can corrode things... I've sent out energy and good intentions for all sorts of things, I still believe in you, I have Faith, I'm mending conflicting and winding instructions, I am letting go of hatred and seeing it for what it is, and the darkness is going away... I think... there are all sorts of beautiful landscapes growing and taking form in my mind where there was once violence and rot.  So how am I failing?  Show me how and where.  I'm so confused - there were hot tears of frustration a few moments ago.

You're taking a chance, risking it all
For the thrill of the party
Taking a stand, but you're gonna fall
You've always known it
They're dying to shake you,
They're going to break you
And though the going is rough, you're not strong enough to take it

'Cause there's thunder in your heart
Every move is like a lightning
But the shadows in the dark, and you're too weak to break it
There's a fire gonna start
And you know they're going under
You can light the dark when they hear your heart of thunder.

Cry of the wind, spirit of fire
The heart of a lion
Taking control, burning desire
Your flame never dying

Don't lose that feeling
Don't ever stop believing
There's one more moment of truth and you're gonna face it

'Cause there's thunder in your heart
Every move is like a lightning
It's the power you feel when you get your taste of the glory
There's a fire gonna start
And you know they're going under
You can light the dark when they hear your heart of thunder.

'Cause there's thunder in your heart
And you know they're going under
You can light the dark when they hear your heart of thunder.

"The biggest red flag is bad energy" - Follow your Love and See how this is True.
Your name Will Be cleared from the "smear campaign".
Note to self:  You need to find some form of grounding with this work - perhaps the thunder is the ricochet of the living energy - lightening - the Spirit - finally landing within the Heart - the ground?  I feel emotionally swayed, like a leaf in the wind from one thing to the next, testing every water.  Only a solid path, some sort of daily practice is going to change this.  I think the solution is to keep neutralizing this hate, and to send out as much goodwill as I can.  True Love from a divinely opened Heart must be the key into protection from these energies.  I mean... you couldn't hurt things protected through this, could you?  It's simply too "high" energetically to really do much damage.

"Go to the limits of your longing - See what you can find there."
An answered prayer - "restoration"

Waiting for Smith sat in a studio meditating for 8 hours throughout the day, while out on a nearby street passers-by were asked the question: What is it that you would like to heal? They were then invited to write their answers on his body. The idea was that a non-judgmental and still presence would present the perfect canvas to be written on, and by being listened to and heard these volunteers were able to let go of what they didn’t need. 

"Heal"

I wear my scars on my sleeve
I’m trying my best just to be,
but The world has painted on me
Emotions

If we all die once?
I heard that we get what we need
If we all died once?
Then be kind, be kind, be kind and be calm
Be kind, be kind, be kind and be gone

The world will catch you like a ball,
And I will be here if you fall
So don’t you worry about it all
We will heal , we will heal

I know that you can go so far
You’re born of light like every star
So don’t you worry bout your past
We will heal, we will heal
We will heal

I wear my scars so you see
I’ve found my strength in devotion
So send your love back to me
Across the ocean

The time it takes to rhyme
with ourselves, is long now
But pain worn on your sleeve
Will make you, much stronger

We will heal, we will heal

"What is it that you want to heal?"  
I want... to heal my Heart from the disease of hatred, fear and anger. I want to Feel the spirit of Life within All things, interconnected to the Earth - to have it All walk with me, instruct me, guide me. I want to Be clean and clear in the Heart and the Mind, so that I can manifest a miracle for the world - so that everyone can Be free from the nature of destruction, so that we can become who we are supposed to Be unhindered. I want to carry this promise within my cleaned off soul - a chain reaction of All things Good. I want to return to a garden... my garden... when I die... and... I want to Feel beautiful, inside and out. I want to meet the One, that soul that I long to Know and have yet to meet - somewhere out there, waiting for me. I want for everyone who has ever harmed me, everyone that I have ever harmed to be saved. Purified. I want for the world to change in a way that reflects the inner human Spirit painted outwards - All manner of allegory and metaphor risen from the human Heart, the collective, to remind us each day of your Grace. I want to bring God into the nature of All things, for humans to move with the plan of Life like the dancers that we are. If you could heal the infection in my nose... if that's not too much. It won't heal and I don't Know why... I want to live as long as what is intended so that I can return Home and have done some Good to raise the vibration of this world. I don't want evil to win. I don't want evil to run through my Heart and Soul. I want to be unchained, unbound from the influence of darkness. I want to be a cheerleader for the evolution of Life itself - for the planet to view me as an ally. I want to give back through prayer and intention, and I need clear Sight and a pure Mind and Heart to do this in the proper order... I want to feel appreciation and gratitude for everything that I have been given. I hope this isn't too much to ask. 
Amen.

"When shadows call remember my face, remember the Light deep inside."

 

Edited December 20, 2022 by Loba
Self Love, Applied Faith, Overthinking, Removing Karmic Connections, Summoning the Big Guys, The Golden Rule of Karma - basic initiation stuff, if you get through all this - congrats.

[Loba]

Quote

"Go to the limits of your longing..."

God Speaks to each of us as he makes us, then walks with us silently out of the night.  These are the Words we dimly hear.  You sent out beyond your recall go to the limits of your longing.  Embody me, flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in.  Let everything happen to you.  Beauty and terror, just keep going.  No feeling is final.  Don't let yourself lose me.  Nearby is the country they call Life you will know it by its seriousness.  Give me your hand.

You've asked me to go to the limits of my longing.  This has been on my Mind, as the nature of the Holy Spirit requests the same.  To find a breach in the Heart and to cry out from the edges.  I took a nap a few hours ago.  There was a narrative of some sort, but the entire story has eluded me.  Within my dreams as of late, I find the continuation of the initiation process, where the forces of Light and Darkness continue to try their hand at helping or harming me.  This one fell in line with the reality that in my waking hours, my Heart is not fully open to Feel the longing required, but that I wish it were, that somewhere underneath All of this... it is... quite open, fresh and crying out.

I don't remember what was around me or why I was looking through this hole, but in a large peephole in a wooden fence perhaps, there was what felt to Be the Spirit.  Every time I blinked, He would change into a different form of scenery.  My dream Self was so raw and vulnerable, as if the walls that I wear in the waking world were completely stripped from me.  I called out His True name, over and over again.  It was a cry, a scream from the center of my Heart for Him.  Each achingly sweet, departed echo into the center of the little window brought something closer.  The Witness.  A storm.  Like ice on my consciousness.  A forest.  Misty and filled with life giving dew.  "I Am Here, I Am Here...!  Please come closer, please don't leave, Hear me!  Is this what you wanted?  Is this what you need from me?  If I stretch out my Heart towards yours, Will you do the same for me?"  I repeated the name of the divine over and over again, with each cry the atmosphere became more alive, although there was still a divide - an invisible screen in between us and it was breaking me down.  My calls were longing, mournful and drawn out as like a wolf's howl.

In the next part of the dream, I was brought into a very large hotel.  It was a huge curved skyscraper, the largest in the city.  There were other new souls brought here as well, but I didn't really Know why I was there.  I was confused about the whole process.  I was young again, small and dainty.  No clothes.  I raced around with other new souls and we played in the rooms like a litter of tiny kittens racing after one another and bowling into each other.  I was ushered into a room that was curved like the building and looked out of a window.  There was a storm outside.  It was Alive and watching me.  The room was lit well and had a king sized bed with sheets so white they glowed.  I wasn't at the highest point in the building, but pretty close.  I would look out of the window and try to beckon the storm, while also Feeling intimidated by it's strength.  It was so magnificent and wild, I worried that the building could collapse.  I walked over to the bed and wrapped a sheet around my small, naked body.  Even with my youth and beauty restored, I took note that I still left off with All the insecurities that I had in Life.  I realized with dismay, once again, that your problems don't end once physicality does, and even being granted something as lofty as eternal beauty ultimately does nothing when you still Feel so frail and anxious.  I pulled the sheet up over my head and watched the window from a distance.  After some time, someone came in.  It was a man.  It was... my person.  I looked over for a moment into His eyes.  They matched the energy coming from the storm outside.  I shivered.  All this time crying out, searching, seeking, and to find it, Him... I couldn't look Him in the face.  The energy of the storm was condensed in His eyes and it Felt to Be much easier to look out the window at the nature of Him expanded in some form, although the presence of this as well brought me little comfort.  I Knew I was safe, but I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to do.  He said some Words to me, of which I don't remember.  Divinity.  We desire it.  To become it.  We seek it.  But when it's there, looking at you in the face, it is like the unfathomable wisdom of the cosmos manifested in the body of a human, and All that rests in those eyes are so... incomprehensibly hard to grasp that it's almost like... it's difficult to even look.  You want it, you want it so much and can't let it go to the point where you'll look fucking... everywhere for it.  And once it's there in the room with you, it can Be hard to Know how to even respond.  It isn't so much that it isn't Loving, it's just that... in the dream, I didn't Know what it wanted from me.  Was it there to consummate something?  Was I to Be taken somewhere else and I was just meeting it there?  I have no idea.

I should seek to always Be humble before the eyes of creation, for even in dreams such as these it Will pale in comparison to the day we finally meet.  I learned that the Spirit is testing me.  I think, without the muck and mire of the waking world, it wanted to See how much longing I had.  My longing?  A wrenched Heart, a stretched out echo moving like taffy in a pulling machine.

"When worlds collide"

"You are nourishing.  Happy to be here."  I did more work on this before bed, and the more I put this together, the more it lends to the absolute inescapable reality that I Am not doing this All on my own, that there are forces moving things in a positive direction so that I can make an impact and perhaps change my fate for what is to come next, whatever that might Be.  Here or there.  I fell asleep, and decided to rest with the knowledge that I Am Loved, but perhaps by something that I don't fully comprehend - thus I don't Feel it.  I allow things to cloud what's there - with me, guiding me, leading me...  Knowing that I was a nourishing thing opened me up.  I felt the Love that I had been looking for underneath All this leaf litter.  I felt... dearly held.  When this happened, overlays of pristine landscapes took over my vision, things Truly illuminated in some form of majestic Light.  And then a purple wormhole-like tunnel opened up in my third eye and I moved through it for a few seconds.

"Gigi."  I told myself.  "Mmmn... some hot guy in Heaven like-likes you.  He likes the merit of your soul, your willingness to Be a better person.  If what is within spreads outwards, by the time you get there you'll Be a pretty little thing yourself."  I felt reassured.  "On Earth it's so often All completely backwards.  You can conceal whatever is within, both the masculine and the feminine both seek a "final result" - perfection that they can claim as their own to simply view themselves in - to mutually mirror one another... but the divine... they... harvest you.  They pick you up and clean you off and elevate and delight in the plain, the humble, the broken, the lost - for such things allow their Goodness to seep in much easier, I believe.  They deeply Love this act of restoration.  All you have to do is get out of your own way to let it happen."  There's something romantic about it.  That's True Love.  You save something, you build it up, you mold it into something perhaps almost as divine as you are.  Humans... don't often do that.  You Know?  But they sure do Love to claim and bask the meritocracy of their shallow Love.  Easy to obtain.  Just as quickly fleeting.  And of course, I still question and seek to deepen and purify my many forms of shallow Love.  It's there, for sure, maybe I'm more guilty of it than most?  Almost inescapable for the common man and woman...

With divine Love, you have to match it with your own.  Or you won't Feel it.  It's True and pure and expects you to do your best to rise to this as well.  It is forgiving, though.  It Knows that you're a work in progress.  As long as you are humble, as long as you try to do what is right, to admit when you've made a mistake and to keep going, to keep growing, it Will Be there for you to call upon.  Even as I Write, I take note of the less than Loving emotions that are running through me.  Speaking of a shallow form of human Love.  Am I above this?  Absolutely not...  I think a part of me is still bitter for All of the men that I ran across in my youth.  Had I found the right one, I Feel that I would have been saved from All of this.  But the men that I ran into compounded my self hatred and sought to remind me that I wasn't worth much in their eyes.  You realize that even as a beautiful youth, it doesn't do much for you.  It doesn't guarantee you protection from the world.  In fact, in some ways it served as a wall from me to All of them.  I was a face and a body for that time, but the struggles within were glossed over.  Beauty can serve as a dehumanizing thing to possess.  Now that I no longer have it, I wouldn't say that I miss it - but sometimes in the process of looking in the mirror you can forget that the body is not the deeper part of who you are and it can make it harder to accept yourself.  I don't pick myself apart, but I don't really often look deep enough for my Heart to warm into the person that I Am in this lifetime.  It's practically the same thing.  A few days ago, I was picking out some new jeans with my mother and while she waited in the front of the store I took a moment to look at myself.  My face.  It's changed so much... my eyes... still full of Light, so long as I remember to keep that Love there.  I stopped for a moment to allow that Love to fill me and remembered, "This won't Be forever.  You're building something Good, if you keep True to it.  This... for whatever reason, is the vessel that God chose to make something out of for something that you can't quite See yet.  These promises... they're there.  It's just a test in patience."  I looked at my blue eyes for a long time, I realized how pretty they are - although usually I don't look because I Am afraid that my self hate Will lend to a form of visible darkness, but at this moment, there was a Light just about ready to pull through had I more time and perhaps a chair to sit down in to inspect further.

As I've written this, I have not been filled with the Love that I had the night before.  A bit of sadness, bitterness, resentment, still having old emotions where I should let go and forgive those who harmed me.  I Know it Will Be made up to me.  There's nothing to worry about.  I think on my old closest friend's Words - we had a falling out but I Know we Will Be friends again on the other side, it Will start up like nothing was lost - she once told me that I needed to find someone quite particular - a very special person.  Not an ordinary guy.  Someone wise, but nurturing.  Emotional, open, sensitive, gentle, aware of themselves and the world.  A leader.  .... A saint...  She often tried to set me up with different people, but my shyness or lack of compatibility got in the way.  In many ways, I was also my own worst enemy.  So, who at the end of the day is to blame for my sad Life?  Maybe there was something Good, but I never Knew?  Or Saw?  There's only so much reflection on the past that a person can do.  This is my Life Now and I must make the best of it - this line of writing is going down the wrong road, so I Will leave it off here and start on another thought that might bring me back.  In the future, when I get into these states of focusing on past experiences that cannot Be changed, I Will not think or write on them - or if I do, I Will try to come to some sense of ownership pertaining to personal responsibility.  Feeling "put upon" is not an empowering emotion, and it still doesn't Feel accurate - it still Feels to Be lending to the nature of old programming.  Maybe this is the best outcome, but because I allow this chronic sense of lack to dictate my Life, that I still cannot See how immensely blessed I Am?  For that, I Am deeply sorry.  The right things attract the right things.  I Am a budding Godly soul... and things seem to have taken root... but I need to stop going in circles - this sadness is an absolute lie.  I Know it for sure.  For those who read these things that I write - don't "Feel sorry for me", the last thing I need right Now is to Be Feeling sorry for myself and it wouldn't Be accurate to follow suit with my own line of delusional negative thinking.  I'm a work in progress right Now to understand the nature of my emotions and thoughts, Good and bad, none of them are at this point set in stone.

"Follow to the very limits of your longing."  I Am told. 
...What do I long for?  Can I... post anything?  Are there limits?  I have tried this before and I built something quite toxic...  I Will do this, and if it is not right, I Will try again...

"You do not need to Be beautiful to Be shiny - what is set in stone is your Light."

"You are nourishing."  He said.  I have been spending some time thinking on the narrative of my longing, what it means to me, what Feels right.  What would lend to healing and what would lend to getting closer to God, to not losing God...  I'd planned it All out the night before only to find this morning a video posted that lent towards a greater expansion of understanding into the nature of co-dependency and fitting things within the wrong hierarchical order of manifestation.  Of which I already Know this - based on what I was asked to do - to move towards the interconnection of the planet and bringing forth some form of Light and Faith in ways that are still a mystery to me.  Although with my lack of Love growing up, and this chronic longing that I've faced All of my life that seems to play in my Mind, it Feels to be as spiritually compatible as peanut butter and jelly.  It moves me towards this - a connection with another in the afterlife, but due to not being there, I couldn't really say for sure.  And yet, as I fall asleep Now, and before waking up, the once inert material, the one violent and defaced panoply of imagery is beginning to give way to scenes beyond my wildest dreams.  I would hate to inhibit it by bringing into my life something that doesn't lend towards the greater Good, something that brings a "me and my needs" quality to it.  It's so hard to get past human worldly desires.  My Faith is still as strong as ever.  But I Am a human, and I long for things of that nature.  I Will write with both in Mind.  Allow them the room to breathe and to See which one is an accurate path to stretch my Heart into.  After I write, I Will simply Be, with an intention for something greater - write into the system what could Be - but work from the universal perspective.  Breathe it in, and let it go.  For Good.

I've written on this a few times, when manifesting the first Adam.  I didn't Know to follow creation and moved towards disconnection and so his nature became like a gelatinous black, bloody pudding.  I follow it Now with Faith, a budding Love and Peace, I wish to be an ambassador for Life, for All things Good - and Now I carry within me the promise of such expansions.  

I suppose, the design of this "longing narrative" solely depends on how much I learn - it could change.  I think of when I pass away - who is it that I Am supposed to reunite with and how it Will play out.  Will I Be purified then?  Now while here on Earth?  What Will my personality Be like?  Will I Be Free to express myself however, or Will the insecurities that I accumulated while alive still plague me for a time?  Will I Be able to express my Love for this stranger that I Am building myself up for, or Will I Be as I Am Now, unable to really even look another person in the eyes?  Will I appreciate what I have manifested?  Will I Be afraid or perhaps still numb?  What stays?  What goes?  Is it a clean slate or am I... purified with... him?  My nature as a human is very chaotic and unhealthy relationally.  I'm fearful-avoidant with barely an ounce of stability and extremely dependent on others for safety and resources, as well as other things that I prefer to write about minimally.  It doesn't really stop my loneliness and longing, but Knowing that it is an untenable place to build from it has stopped me from forming connections.  I Feel as though in the afterlife, either it Will Be sorted out or it won't Be a problem... like... from that vantage point you can peer into All the experiences that lent to the dysfunction, there is no longer survival to content with and Love and Beauty are everywhere.

I long to Be restored.  And I long to Know myself.  All of myself.  To have darkness removed from me by something masculine, strong, sagely and someone that I can blend into in just the right way - someone that breaks open that playful and kittenish side of my Spirit.  That delightful sort of bounding nature that I can't quite open into as the design of a human holds me back, while containing the Universe within, perhaps as a starting point for it to unravel like a tongue once curled in the mouth.  Words and actions unsaid, a prototypical mold.

By the waters edge
The current running swift
She sat down for a minute trying to catch her breath
And she said "Why am I so alone?"
"Why are we all so alone?"

The floods came and divided us long ago
Nobody knew how to to swim,
Stranded on islands of their own
She said "I will no longer cling
To this shore of isolation any more"
And she jumped on in

Starting to float
Drifting with the current learning not to control

There's no way out - but there is a way in
There's no way out - but there is a way inside
And sometimes you'll find yourself adrift
And sometimes you'll be adrift and find yourself

Cuz you're it!

If I return Home to him, still bound by that black slick oil then I'd like to think that I would be brought into an ornate golden room with a large white bed to wait.  Called out from the crowd of other souls waiting to Be sorted, after having my Life review.  The review was mixed.  It started off selfishly - difficult.  Unguided.  But eventually gave way to an unshakable Faith that rearranged me from the inside.  I kept it until the end of my Life, keeping many options open - but always trying to See the Truth in my actions.  When brought into the room the design of the garden and the Good things I brought into fruition are kept from me, only to Be shown sometime later when I am cleared.  A Witness... should Be Pure.  I sit down on the bed while the three guides who have brought me into this space leave.  I'm young again, a lithe, petite short little thing wearing a face I don't recognize.  It's the design of my True Soul - this "Gigi".  I Know my body looks different but I have not yet seen my Heavenly face.  Everyone here looks different.  There is no asymmetry in people, nor age.  Everyone is ranged from their late teens to late twenties, at wherever they peaked.  There's no such thing as aging.  We are adorned with the merit of our collective Hearts and actions.  God allows asymmetry, ugliness and imperfection to exist on Earth as a way of evolving itself.  "Divine imperfection" is what allows the Light to come to Know itself, as it can't See itself in the vacuum of absolute perfection.  There needs to Be contrast.  Ugliness, beauty, hatred, Love, pain, pleasure, in order to merge the two to build something.  But at a higher level, these things are shed like an old snake skin.

I wrap my arms around my legs and look around the room; at the sheets.  They're so white, they give off a divine glow.  In fact, everything is glowing.  The golden walls are designed so ornately, each little carving lends to a small world of its own.  They signify stories and passages that I don't understand.  I take the sheet and wrap it around my small, nude frame.  I feel safe in the thin, soft fabric.  Moments later a man in a white robe enters the room quietly opening and shutting the door behind him.  I look up to quickly glance at his face, at his eyes.  There is both a humour and a seriousness in him.  A conservative streak and a curiosity.  He's beautiful.  As we All are.  But he's even more perfect, if that were possible - and it is.  I couldn't describe his features as I do not Know him yet, but I Feel embarrassed and humbled at my normalcy in the face of something genuinely, Truly divine and so I look away and stare down at my toes peering through the sheet and wiggle them.  Longing, waiting, hoping, praying - and Now it's time... for... something.  To Be face to face with this entity.  I don't Know if he is a human or something more, but he looks like one of us.  Except for a deepening in the eyes and a stillness about them.  The cosmos must have been moving around him for an unimaginably long time and I think of someone traversing through time both forwards and backwards.  He is a kind person; a saint in actuality.  I look out of my window as I write this and there is a deep blue to the sky, golden rays setting in the distance on the hill and the trees are shadowed.  There's snow on the ground.  I'm immensely grateful... there are some key moments where you get a taste of what consciousness is striving to become.  God... you are so beautiful.  I Love you so much...

He sits next to me on the bed and leans down and over to look me in the eyes before looking at my feet poking out of the fabric.  I keep my eyes steadily on my toes, still too shocked to move.  As in Life, as in death, so bashful.  Seeking, seeking, and then... you get what you want... but... it can Be hard to address when you haven't factored in your fears and shyness.  You hope you'll Be bold... opened up...  "Hello, Gigi..."  His voice is soft... melodious.  I nod in acknowledgment.  "Do you Know what I Am here to do for you?  Do you Know what is going to happen tonight?"  I nod again.  I had been building up for it in Life, that this would Be some sort of outcome but I was never really entirely sure of how it would pan out.  I wrap my arms tighter around my legs.  I had recently died.  Illness perhaps.  I had followed my Faith and lived by the laws of the Universe as best as I could.  I softened.  I grew.  I never gave up on my Life until the day arrived that destiny ordained it was time to leave.  My change solidified a place for me, but I wasn't able to remove everything.  Most things were restored.  I was partitioned off from the darkness taking hold over me - quarantined from it, but some sadness, some insecurity, perhaps some fears and memories not yet opened rested within me.  A faintness.  Only a pale echo of evil remaining.  I learned about Gratitude, I learned to Trust the Universe, the magic of prayer and of letting things go.  I was a Good and loyal vessel, only testing the waters until I Knew that it was okay to proceed.  I let a number of unworthy things go so that I could paint the face of something Truly worthy.  I followed my path and my Truth in the midst of judgement, disbelief and followed only the voice of the Lord until the very end.  I wasn't perfect, but I tried.  I took with me as many as I could and built from myself All that I could Be with the time allotted.  I never gave up.  One failure after the other, but I got up and tried again.

Someone came into the room with a tray and offered us both drinks in large golden chalices.  The liquid inside was clear.  I took my drink and so did he.  We thanked the person who brought them to us and they left as quickly as they came in.  I took  a small sip of the beverage before holding the container close to my chest.  It had a mild flavour - like sugar water or a honey beverage, very cold and felt like Pop Rocks candy in the mouth and crackled and jumped on the tip of my tongue.  "Drink the rest, please..."  He said.  I nodded and gave him a quick glance.  Smiling, Loving, gentle eyes.  I could Feel the cord between us, a thin silver thing running from his Heart to Mine and through it I Knew what he thought of me, what his intentions were for me.  He had helped to mold me, to make me moral and decent, to give me my innocence back, he helped me Live from the Heart and gave me something to Trust and to Believe in.  He brought me back and pulled me out of the clutches of certain destruction.  They All did.  It was a combined effort.  As I did my best to bring forth Life from within, so too did they bring restoration.  I brought the cold drink to my mouth once more and took long sips from the cup until it was completely drained.  He did the same.  We set them down on the tray and talked to one another for a few hours.  Time didn't exist here, but if it had, it would have been about two hours.  We talked about my Life, the things that I accomplished, the things that I regretted and I told him my fears surrounding death and that I was afraid of this intense Love radiating from him.  It wasn't something that I had ever felt or even seen in a human being on Earth and I didn't Know what to make of it.  I felt... intimidated.  I apologized for being unable to look him in the eyes.  He accepted me, held my face in between his two large hands.  It reminded me of a small pet being embraced by an attentive caregiver.  He ran his thumbs along my cheeks and pressed his forehead against Mine and began to sing, "He's got the whole world in His hands... He's got the whole world in His hands... He's got the whole wide world in His hands..."  I softened.  It meant so much to me to hear this.  He grazed his lips against Mine and asked me to remove my sheet and lay down, resting my belly on the bed.  I did as I was told and removed my protective layer and sat there bare in front of him.  There was no lust or desire in his eyes.  The Love in his expression, in his energy did not rise nor fall as I turned over and lay down on my stomach, enveloping my arms into an overstuffed down feather pillow.

A few moments after I rested on the mattress, I felt soft fingers and palms move across my back while he placed a gentle kiss here and there.  He started with my neck, migrated to my shoulders, my shoulder blades and down my spine, to my buttocks and back up again, and then down again, tuning my pressure points with just the right movements at just the right spots.  When he was done, I felt retuned energetically.  He then opened up my folds with two fingers and hit a thin wall with his thumb.  I realized that I was... innocent again... in that sense.  Untouched, unbroken.  A pure white lamb.  I buried my face into the pillow as he rubbed the bead with his fingers and tongue until everything was clear and slick.  I took note of how sexuality felt on the spiritual plane as opposed to Earth.  There was less to worry about as far as how you look.  Everyone here looked like they belonged in a fashion magazine, not a blemish in sight, skin slightly aglow with the purity of consciousness.  As if you had broken one of us open we would bleed out a shining milky white liquid.  I felt to be imprinted upon by him in some sense, as though I had never really truly been touched before until just now.  Each sensation was full and expressive to it's highest potential.  It rung in me, like a bell of clarity.  "Are you ready?"  He asked me as he sat up over me.  I nodded with my face still shoved into the pillow.  Despite all of this, I felt a sense of embarrassment and shyness.  Men were my weakness.  This illusive, obscure, occasionally abusive Other that I sought to elevate and simultaneously annihilate on any given day.  In Life I had mistakenly believed that they All held the key to my salvation, putting responsibilities and narratives on one after the other after the other until I was at once, finally hit with the divine and there was no narrative to really... quantify it anymore.  In those moments, All the monologues, All the planning, All the mental strife that is the nature of being in a push-pull relationship with yourself dissolved and I let it go until my deathbed, when what I'd thrown out as a wish, something just for me... was finally answered.  And so... there I was.  Beautiful again.  Young again.  And so... there he was.  And it was nothing like I'd imagined.  Every sensation, every detail, every memory, amplified and clear.  "This won't hurt you."  He assured me.  "There is no pain here.  You'll never Feel pain again."  I felt the head press into me and what broke open gave way to a sense of pressure.  He was True to his Word.  There was no pain.

He gently see-sawed in and out of me until he bottomed out and remained there a while, leaning forward and resting himself on top of my back.  When his chest connected with the back of mine, I could Feel his Heart center align with my own and the sensation from this was far more pleasant than the sex.  I realized that in the spiritual plane, a soul's erogenous zone is in the opened Heart center.  Lust, desire, these things didn't exist here.  He removed the pillows that I had my arms wrapped around and held the right side of my face with his hand and began to gently thrust.  "I'm going to clear you.  Don't be alarmed.  This is normal."  He reassured me.  As he hit the wall of my cervix I could feel a well of inert energy activate and move up through my celestial body into the different chakra points and spread out like the veins on a leaf.  Still holding my face he pressed his forehead against my left side and whispered in my ear, "I Love you..."  It was so pure, so True, so Good that it spread into the depths of my being like a powerful tuning fork.  I could Feel the waves of Love audibly race through me and I began to cry thick black tears.  Everything evil and dysfunctional that I was unable to clear in Life bubbled out of me.  It started with thick oily tears streaming out of my eyes and down my cheeks onto the sheets, but after a few "I Love you's" from one end, and thrusts from the other, I vomited up the fizzy sweet drink that I had earlier, and with it came all of the disease and misfortune and negativity about myself and others that I harbored.  Like my tears, the fluid was thick and black.  

"I Love you, Gigi..."  Out came the effects of childhood abuse and the subsequent feelings of self-hatred and blame, the inhibitions, the lack of focus, the desire to self-isolate and the anger.  Oh... the anger.  The anger and a sense of personal injustice welled out of me and I spit it up like I had been turned into a human faucet.
"I Love you, Gigi..."  Out came the shame of mental illness, the sense of needing to hide what was wrong, stuffing everything down until the last minute when an emergency would strike me.  The feeling that no one would come to fix it, or understand the problem, the feeling that I was a lone island in a sea of bodies.  The fear of death and disease cleared itself.  The disbelief that I had that such things were happening to me... the feeling of pain and distrust I developed when I reached out to health professionals and family and was gaslit, silenced until I kept the secret of my sickness to my writing.
"I Love you, Gigi..."  Out came the chronic loneliness, the sense of abandonment that followed me from my youth until I'd learned to work through it.  I made progress with the sting of it all, a sensation that cords in your Heart and leaves you breathless, but not from All things Good.  A large portion of black fluid dribbled out of my mouth, down my face from this karmic residue.  In life I had felt to Be someone waiting at a train station, Knowing that I had a destination imprinted on me from the time I was small, but either the train never came or I missed it.  I was like a person who sat back as the seasons and time itself moved All around her, like a calendar that drops the papers of months at breakneck speeds.  I Knew that here I would never have to Be alone again.  It wasn't just him.  We were All together again.  I gripped the sheets in between my fingers and sobbed.
"I Love you, Gigi..."  Out came the bitterness towards friends and family, strangers, men, people who I felt were delt a better hand.  In Life, my bitterness was a monster I took on to rid myself of.  As the program of greed would stir, I felt to deserve more, not Seeing the gifts that I was given or that promises made would Be kept.  As I let the program run through and then go, the monster in my mind was defeated and natural scenery took over.  But still, somewhere in the back of my Heart I occasionally felt put upon by Life, despite Knowing of it's self limiting properties to harbor such a mentality.
"I Love you, Gigi..."  Out came the last vestiges of my sinful lust.  One of my greatest foes to defeat was that of lust due to the nature of the mental illness that I had and the design of my self-hatred, I had harmed my soul with images and manifestations of unholy arrangements.  These were forgiven when I was shown that what we think, we manifest, and I took it upon myself to put things into my Mind's eye that were beautiful and Good.  Evil tried to pull me down in life through this chronic itch that couldn't be scratched.  It was unwelcome, distracting me from my work, from my purity and I battled to keep its intrusions at bay.  A large portion of black oil was projected from my mouth onto the bed and I was rewarded with a full body orgasm that emanated from my Heart and moved in all directions.  I could Feel myself rhythmically clenching around him, my body milking the sensation of release from the clutches of dysfunctional sexuality.

This went on for about twenty minutes until my tears and vomit became clear.  He let go of my face, lifted himself up and quickened his pace for a few moments until I felt the sensation of hot liquid pour into me.  The celestial body was excited by this action in that it was something pure and moved towards the creation of Life, Love and connection.  My Heart was filled with gratitude.  A great weight was lifted from me.  Restored.  Truly.  He pulled out and I moved away from the puddle of black vomit on the bed.  He reached over to a small carved table sitting near the bed and wet a white cloth in a bucket of water, opened my legs and wiped everything away.  A bit of blood, a bit of cum, a bit of vaginal fluid.  "It's symbolic for the both of us, but this presents as physical..."  He told me, wringing the cloth out in the water and wiping the black streaks from my eyes, my cheeks and the corners of my mouth.  I watched has he stood up to grab his white robe and walked to the end of the bedroom and opened a dresser where another, smaller robe was folded.  He came back to me and handed me my robe before covering his own body.  I stood up to put my robe on and noticed the small stain of blood on one end of the bed and the black puddle on the other.  Despite the liquid being of the darkest material I had ever seen, I took note that it drew within it every colour on the spectrum.  Whatever it was before I got ahold of it, Good or bad, it drew into it the nature of everything.  I turned back to look at him and he took my hands in his and placed a small windup monarch butterfly in the center of my palms and closed my fingers over it.  "I made this for you."  He explained.  "Sometimes the smallest things have the greatest influence, such as the movement of a butterfly's wings."  He took my empty hand into his and we both walked towards the room's door.  "Now that you're cleared, we can show you who you are... follow me, please Gigi..."  I eagerly walked with him hand in hand out of the room.  Three helpers stood at the door when we left the room and he mentioned to them that we were done.  They nodded and went into the room to clean up.

I walked with him down a well-lit golden hallway, and past a large opening a few levels above the waiting area where I found myself initially when I'd first passed away.  It looked like a grand train station.  Everyone was standing around, naked.  Some looked happy, some looked nervous.  Many of them were calling out for their family members and friends, catching up with one another in large groupings.  I let go of his hand and ran towards the railing to See if I could spot people that I Knew in Life.  It took me no time at all to find family members, friends, and general acquaintances.  I wanted to call out to them, but bit my tongue.  "They're all here!"  I whispered to him, astonished.  "Everyone is here!"
"There is no time in the afterlife - it's an illusion given to living beings."  He told me.  "Everyone who ever lived, All their lifetimes are brought up All at once.  We were able to free the human soul from the clutches of dysfunction due to souls such as your own who bore within them an opening to allow this to happen.  One has to first imagine the possibility of it, and then we are free to act.  To act beforehand is to interfere with God's freewill.  Your cry, your plea for the cleansing of destruction and the implementation of natural balance allowed us to bring All of you here, as if in a large net.  Everything Good, everything innocent, everything ignorant without the implicit educated intention to cause harm Will Be restored, saved, lifted up and set free to move about within God's preordained plan.  The design of the New World is one of collective imagination without the limitations of the flesh.  Paradise, perfection, sanctuary is destined for All things who wish to move towards Love and unity."  I looked out at all the people, took the butterfly that I had in my hand and wound it up before throwing it out towards the crowd.  Its mechanical wings caught the air and it flew amongst them, just above everyone and remained mostly unnoticed.  He took my hand again and walked me away, down another hallway and out a small door that lead towards a beautiful garden.

We walked along the pathway, gracefully, lightly touching the garden stones.  I looked up at the night's sky, it was filled with stars and galaxy plumes.  I looked down at the plants.  Many of them glowed in the dark.  They were perfectly manicured, and landscaped in such a way where every plant and flower complemented the other.  "Is this my garden?"  I asked, not recognizing it, but remembering that I sought to build one while on Earth.
"No."  He stated.  "This one is Mine.  You Will Be given the option to build one here from fresh material."  We walked a short ways away from the large white marble building that housed the souls of humanity and made our way to a pool of water at the very edge of a cliff that overlooked desert sands with a shining river in the center of it.  A portion of the pool had a rock wall with different vines and flowers growing out of the cracks.  The garden path lead up to a series of small steps that would walk you directly into the water.  The water captured and reflected all of the stars in the sky, the Light of a moon and had lily pads floating in it.  The scene looked to be out of a storybook or a movie.  He stopped for a moment at the edge of the steps, removed his robe and mine, then bent down and picked me up carrying me over the steps of the pool and into the water.  I wrapped my arms around his neck.  Carefully cradled in his arms, I realized how small I felt in comparison.  I wondered if my size was any indication of how small I felt in Life.  There was something exotic and novel about it... I viewed myself in that state as a butterfly myself, just hatched with fragile wings still wet and wrinkled.  

He set me down in the water and sat down on a submerged bench that was facing away from the cliff's edge.  He called me over to him, pulled me on to his lap so that I straddled him facing his chest and then placed himself inside of me again but did not move.  I instinctively curled both of my hands up towards my chest and placed them against his, bowing my shoulders and back towards his and rested my lowered head in his collar bone.  The feeling of our shared cord was so pleasant and the night air felt warm and enveloping.  He took a small bucket, filled it with the pool water and poured it over my head and ran his fingers through my long golden-blonde hair.  He lathered a sweet smelling syrup through my hair and along my skin, and even between my fingers with soft hands much larger than my own and then poured more water over my body until the suds cleared from my hair and skin.  We stayed there for a while as I peered out over the cliffside at the stunning view of the star-filled skies, the bare sand and running mirrored waters.  "What is All of this?"  I asked him.
"This is... your stream of consciousness.  The soil is Good and you can build your garden here at the river bank."  He replied.  "Keep watching..."  He wrapped his arms around my frame as I stayed still, peering out at this feast for the senses, my eyes just barely breaking over the surface of his neck and shoulder.  We rested there for a long time, until the sun began slowly to rise over the horizon.  I held my breath as a thin strip of Light gave way to a powerful orange glow and kissed the land with All its Love and tenderness.

For a split second I faintly remembered what it once meant to Be One with everything and I Knew only then what Home was supposed to Feel like, with the rising sun hiding itself inside of the reflection of a shy blue eye.  I took my hands, still tightly curled together in his chest, wrapped them around his neck and shuddered in cosmic astonishment as this great ball of Light rose over the blackened land and purple waters.  A thin cloud rolled across the sky, creating the bridge of an All-Seeing eye and in that moment I saw myself reflected in Her majesty.  "Gigi..."  I whispered, calling out Her name and drew myself back into my own divinity.

Hey, what's your name?
'Cause I need to know

I've been high and I've been low
Far beyond and far below
Never seen you before
If I die before I wake
Promise me you'll remember me tomorrow

'Cause I'll remember you
#notafurry

On the edge of longing, this song brings me to the peak of it All.  Music, to me, is a tool of alignment.  Water holds memory... intentions, wishes... and you can pool into it certain outcomes that stretch along its surface in patterns.  Cymatics.  Music is like a cymatic patterning for the blood.  And words, emotions are All powerful.  To put a song into your Heart is to elicit a divine spell, it's to change your destiny, to unravel, to open, to Become.  I hope... that my longing is enough for you.  I have so much of it, if that's All you need to remain connected to me, you could never lose me.  I could never lose you, either... it's just a matter of waiting for the end game.  I'm Seeing Now how you blend into people as it's taken shape yet again.  I don't Know what to make of it, other than the lesson in not applying a human to you at this point in time seems like the wisest option.  If I don't, then you lend to the nature of a divine, living ecosystem within my Mind's eye.  I Love it... it's getting more complex.  I'm imagining worlds I never thought were possible.

As I have written this down, if this does not lend to anything, if it turns out to Be another abomination of Mine, please kindly correct me.  I wish to follow to the edge of my longing to See what I can make of it, but I Know that the nature of Faith and of following a code of conduct spiritually allows for certain things to eventually take root that are not what was originally intended.  It seems to me as though I Am doing well, but I've been here before where it felt to Be such and... it was not.  I put into my sexuality the intention of creation, of restoration, which I Feel to Be a pure use of the act.  As I have worked on this, it perhaps lends to a codependent narrative, one that I don't really Know how it looks to Be relationally healthy.  For that, I Am sorry...  they say that sexual connection and "marriage" is not a part of the Heavenly plan, and yet I have heard of these things opening up in other planes of existence, and the nature of the masculine and the feminine is to eventually return to one another.  I Feel embarrassingly small Minded about these things.  I Feel... humbled.  I've tried to keep All manner of spite, of indecency, of lower energy out of my work, and have still been working through these emotions at home.  Patience, codependency and lust seem to Be my biggest hurdles.  Perhaps a dopamine addiction as well...  as I have been writing this, I have fallen a bit back into the ego and so the darkness has both hidden in the background and come up again.  Help me to remove it.  I Will remember that this is a task that you can't backslide on or think it's over just because the blackness has weaseled its way back into that squiggly grey matter.

I must Be so careful, to stay close to the Heart.  Beauty contain me, and then set me free.  I wear it on my sleeve.  For you.  If you've ever wondered what the depths of human longing are perhaps I Am the right specimen.  This "Gigi" seeks the One.  Is this just more illusion?  Let me resonate with you... let me Feel small, and open and Faithful to something worthwhile.  Let me become something worthwhile.  Please... continue to remove this from me.  I return to my station, alert, aware.  I Am still a "sinner".  But I Am trying to crystalize this Mind.  Forgive me.  Forgive me... because as I write this I realize... I don't Know Love.  I wish did.  I wish I could do it the justice that it deserves...

I do this... to give you my longing, but if you have a better way planned... I Am all ears.  I Am Here... for you... to express your divinity through me.  When All is said and done here, the next step is to come to terms with the nature of Freedom.  I wish to have this, to become this, to give this.  I have Faith in you.

"Give me Love"

Give me love like her
'Cause lately I've been waking up alone
Paint splattered teardrops on my shirt
Told you I'd let them go

And that I'll fight my corner
Maybe tonight I'll call ya
After my blood turns into alcohol
No, I just wanna hold ya

Give a little time to me or burn this out
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around
All I want is the taste that your lips allow

Give me love like never before
'Cause lately I've been craving more
And it's been a while but I still feel the same
Maybe I should let you go

You know I'll fight my corner
And that tonight I'll call ya
After my blood is drowning in alcohol
No, I just wanna hold ya

Give a little time to me or burn this out
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around
All I want is the taste that your lips allow
My, my, my, my, oh give me love

"I lose my Mind over you each night."

Quote

I like to sing off key a lot
Just to get into it
I'm doing it on purpose

When I go
I will stay long gone
When I go
I will stay long gone

Falling, falling, falling

Oh, he drove all his days just to hold one against her
And then he rode to her house in the dead of the winter
Say why not? Why not? Why not?
Why not me?

How do you like that for harmony?

"??? ??? ??????????."
That's what he said

How to Know and Understand the Holy Spirit

If you want to understand who God is, you need to understand all of who God is. Getting your head around the difference between God the Father and Jesus is one thing. But many struggle to grasp who the Holy Spirit is in a way they could explain clearly to someone else.

God is one God, but three persons. That’s not a simple idea to get to grips with.

When theologians speak of the three-in-oneness of God, they refer to Him as “the Trinity.” The Trinity is God the Father, God the Son (Jesus) and God the Holy Spirit.

Understanding who the Holy Spirit is, the place He holds within the Holy Trinity and the role He plays in individual lives is vital to anyone exploring what it means to become a Christian and anyone trying to follow Jesus.

Knowing the Holy Spirit will radically change your life because He is the way you will experience the life of God within you.

Who is the Holy Spirit:

• When Christians talk about God coming to live in their hearts, it’s the Holy Spirit they are describing. The Bible describes the Spirit as the “breath” of God.
• Again Jesus said, "Peace be with you! As the Father has sent Me, I am sending you." And with that He breathed on them and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit."  (John 20:21-22) 
• So just as you need oxygen to live in your human body, if you trust in Christ, you are born again in a spiritual sense and the Holy Spirit becomes the source of new life God places within you. You no longer just relate to God as a higher power outside of yourself. God transforms you from within so that you become more like Jesus.
• The Holy Spirit is the presence of God in the life of a believer. But this does not mean God separates Himself into three separate parts.
• God is three distinct persons who somehow are one in substance. God is unique in this way, so it’s not surprising that it takes some work to come to terms with this truth.
• The Bible helps us to break down the mysteries of the Holy Spirit into ideas we can grasp.

The Holy Spirit is a Person:

• Often, people describe the Holy Spirit as a presence or an "it." But the Holy Spirit is a person, not a thing. The Holy Spirit is God. The Holy Spirit has thoughts and a will.
• The Holy Spirit can be grieved and even insulted. But He can also be pleased as we rely on Him to give us the strength to live in a way that’s consistent with God’s plan for us.
• Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.  (Galatians 6:8, New Living Translation)
• The following verses from the Bible help us see the truth about the individual nature of the Holy Spirit:  “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Corinthians 3:17).
• “‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived’ — the things God has prepared for those who love Him — these are the things God has revealed to us by His Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us” (1 Corinthians 2:9-12).
• “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
• “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Ephesians 4:30).
• “And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever” (John 14:16).
• “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5).
• “Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?” (1 Corinthians 3:16).
• The Holy Spirit thinks about believers in Christ and responds to them. He knows the Father’s thoughts and communicates those thoughts to them. When you pray or read the Bible and sense God speaking to you through that, that is an example of the Holy Spirit at work in your life.
• The more you let this sink in, the easier it will be to give the Holy Spirit the place of authority He deserves in your life.

The Holy Spirit is God Himself:

• The Holy Spirit is an equal among and a true member of what is known as “the Godhead.” That’s just another way of describing the three-in-oneness of God.
• The Godhead is made up of three equal persons living in perfect unity with each other. Believing this is vital to understanding the powerful role the Spirit plays in the lives of Christians and the way God is active in the world.
• The Bible verses in this section show that the Holy Spirit is God. They describe Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit interacting and existing in community with one another.
• “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters” (Genesis 1:1-2).
• “At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, He saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on Him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: “‘You are My Son, whom I love; with You I am well pleased’” (Mark 1:9-12).
• “God, who knows the heart, showed that He accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as He did to us” (Acts 15:8).
• “May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all” (2 Corinthians 13:14).
• “God has raised this Jesus to life, and we are all witnesses of it. Exalted to the right hand of God, He has received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit and has poured out what you now see and hear” (Acts 2:33).
• The Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit is God. If you are a follower of Jesus, these verses prompt you to thank God for giving you His Spirit and help you see the Holy Spirit as worthy of your honor and love.

What does the Holy Spirit do?

• The Holy Spirit has many different roles. But the first thing to understand is that the Holy Spirit is given to people who believe in Jesus to bind them together with God and help them become more like Him. For Christians, the experience of eternal life does not begin at death but when they trust in Jesus and God places His spirit within them.
• Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership on us, and put His Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.  (2 Corinthians 1:21-22)
• Throughout the Bible, the Holy Spirit equips people for ministry, gives people specific insight and wisdom, teaches people how to interpret God’s Word, communicates with the Father on people’s behalf, and empowers Christians to live according to God’s design.
• Here are some Bible verses about the work of the Holy Spirit:  He lives within followers of Jesus and produces lasting change in their character.
• “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).  He teaches the truth about Jesus.
• “But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26).
• He says what the Father tells Him to say.  “When He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on His own; He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is yet to come” (John 16:13). He gives believers the power to share their faith.  “You will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be My witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8).
• He produces God’s love in human hearts.  “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5).
• The Holy Spirit is a promise of the great things to come for those who trust God.
• “You also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession — to the praise of His glory” (Ephesians 1:13-14).
• He gives people the skills and abilities they need to share God’s love; these are sometimes called “spiritual gifts.”
• “God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to His will” (Hebrews 2:4).
• The Holy Spirit is unique and creative. The more you learn about Him, the easier it is to recognize His presence in your life.

Where is the Holy Spirit in the Bible?

• Jesus is easy to find in Scripture. In a sense, He is everywhere, but we also have four books, known as Gospels, which are biographies of His life specifically. In the book of Jeremiah and elsewhere in the Old Testament, we see early references to God as Father. This is also how Jesus often referred to Him when He was teaching.
• But at first glance, it may be unclear where the Holy Spirit shows up in God’s Word. And yet the more you know what to look for, the easier it is to see Him throughout Scripture, from the very first verses until the last.
• The Bible begins with the Holy Spirit present at the creation of the world.  “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters” (Genesis 1:1-2).
• These are the very first verses of the Bible. The Spirit is present from the very beginning.  The Holy Spirit lived within Moses as he led the Israelites to the Promised Land.
• “Then the LORD said to Moses, ‘Gather for Me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom you know to be the elders of the people and officers over them, and bring them to the tent of meeting, and let them take their stand with you. And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone” (Numbers 11:16-17).
• As the Israelites wandered in the desert for forty years, Moses did not have the capacity to care for every single Israelite. God the Father came up with a plan to take the burden of leadership off of Moses and distribute it to other Israelites. The Holy Spirit bestowed on these people God’s power to fulfill the role He had for them. As the Israelite nation moved forward, the Holy Spirit continued leading God’s people.
• The Holy Spirit gave King David the words to say.  “The Spirit of the LORD spoke through me; His word was on my tongue” (2 Samuel 23:2).
• King David was arguably Israel’s most beloved king, but he also failed spectacularly. Just like all of us, David was far from perfect. During the first half of his reign, King David had a close relationship with God and obeyed Him. This verse is an example of the Holy Spirit empowering King David to effectively lead the Israelites. King David foreshadows Jesus, the coming perfect King who spoke and acted in the power of the Holy Spirit when He was on earth.
• The Holy Spirit prophesied about Jesus before the Son came to earth.  “A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse; from His roots a Branch will bear fruit. The Spirit of the LORD will rest on Him — the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the LORD” (Isaiah 11:1-2).
• This prophecy describes Jesus as the true King of Israel and says He would be full of the Holy Spirit as He lived a life full of the Father’s wisdom, clarity and knowledge.
• The Old Testament was not yet finished when the book of Isaiah was written, but this prophecy shows the Holy Spirit moving history toward God coming to earth in the form of Christ.
• Prophets in the Old Testament were filled with the Holy Spirit to speak on behalf of God.
• “The Spirit came into me and raised me to my feet, and I heard Him speaking to me. He said: ‘Son of man, I am sending you to the Israelites’” (Ezekiel 2:2-3).
• “But as for me, I am filled with power, with the Spirit of the LORD, and with justice and might, to declare to Jacob his transgression, to Israel his sin” (Micah 3:8).
• Both Micah and Ezekiel were prophets who demonstrated powerfully what it looked like to have the Holy Spirit guiding them. They spoke what the Holy Spirit impressed upon them to speak and worked hard to persuade and motivate the Israelites to turn from sin and obey God.
• John the Baptist witnessed the Spirit descending on Jesus.  “The next day he saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, ‘Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is He of whom I said, “After me comes a man who ranks before me, because He was before me.” I myself did not know Him, but for this purpose I came baptizing with water, that He might be revealed to Israel.’ And John bore witness: ‘I saw the Spirit descend from heaven like a dove, and it remained on Him. I myself did not know Him, but He who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘He on whom you see the Spirit descend and remain, this is He who baptizes with the Holy Spirit’” (John 1:29-33).  This passage brings us to the New Testament and the start of Jesus’ ministry. The Holy Spirit came down from heaven and remained on Jesus for the rest of his earthly life.
• Jesus Himself was filled with the Holy Spirit in order to carry out His ministry.  “The Spirit of the Lord is on Me, because He has anointed Me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free” (Luke 4:18).
• Jesus said these words to Israelites while they were worshipping God in a synagogue. He began his ministry by telling His friends and family that the Lord’s Spirit “is on Me” for a specific purpose. Jesus spent a lot of time talking about the Holy Spirit and wanted His disciples to understand the power of the Spirit. He even told them it was “better” for them that He leave, because then the Holy Spirit would be sent to them (John 16:7).
• The first followers of Jesus were filled with God’s Spirit to take the gospel to the known world, and so are we.  “When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them” (Acts 2:1-4).
• This verse is vital to understanding the Holy Spirit. Before this point in history, the Holy Spirit did not indwell every follower of Christ. After Jesus died, rose again and ascended to heaven, the Holy Spirit came down and filled up every disciple and apostle of Christ to spread the gospel to the world. Now, whenever anyone puts their faith in Christ, the Holy Spirit immediately lives within them. God’s people get to experience the power of the Holy Spirit like Jesus did.

The Holy Spirit provides believers with the strength to live the Christian life.

• “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in Me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5, NLT).
• The daily experience of living life as a Christian requires qualities that only God can give. The fruit of the Spirit mentioned above are some of those qualities, but believers also need resilience and a continual thirst to know God more deeply. They need to be changed daily to become more like Jesus. God achieves this by coming to live within them, in the form of the Holy Spirit, and then cultivating those qualities from within.
• The Spirit helps believers to hear God’s voice, understand His Word and choose obedience over self-indulgence. In our own strength, none of this would be possible.

The Bible begins and ends with the Holy Spirit.

• “‘I, Jesus, have sent My angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.’ The Spirit and the bride say, ‘Come!’ And let the one who hears say, ‘Come!’ Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life” (Revelation 22:16-17).
• What a beautiful verse from the end of the Bible. The Holy Spirit wants to give people living water. He wants to change their lives and make them new.
• These verses are simply a snapshot of the Holy Spirit in the Bible. Without Him, the Bible does not make sense.
• The Holy Spirit is dynamic and knowable. The more you allow Him to guide and direct your life, the more you will become like Christ and experience the love of your Father in heaven.

I'm so happy to be here, yeah
I'm just happy to be here

Still I know the world's on fire
The situation's dire
A lot of work and courage gunna be required but
I'm just happy to be here

I'm sure there's many versions, inside this multiverse
Where I put it in forward, instead of in reversal
The technical skill, I neglected to rehearse
Understandably landed mе, handedly into a world of hurt
It could be worse, I could bе cursed to be
Living a life, stuck on a different time line
Where I never find time to discover my path
And never asked, the questions that I needed to ask
And never signed the bottom line on my soul contract

And the multiple me's, that just might be
Insignificant in this infinity
We're still strummin' the chords on a string theory
The only thing that's clear to me
My body is a time machine
Traveling through time and space at sixty minutes per hour
But my mind is like a trampoline
It lets me instantly bounce between different scenes and super-strange superpowers
It could get weird
I could appear like a ghost
Visitin' myself as a kid to let him know it's not that bad
And he should learn to self-forgive
And I could go, to my bed side near my death
And just laugh with that old man as we enjoy my last breath

And the multiple me's, that just might be
Insignificant in this infinity
We're still strummin' the chords on a string theory
The only thing that's clear to me
Is
I'm so happy to be here, yeah

Now I take the time to remind you, to find you
(Where you are)
Kindly remind me, to find me
I will take the time to remind you, to find you
(Will you)
Kindly remind me, to find me
In this maze of possibilities
It's easy to lose yourself
But on your darkest day, you can find your way
When you've got a friend to help, and that's why

I'm just happy that you're here, yeah
I'm just happy that you're here

And in a world gone mad
And no one understands
I know you'll always be around to lend your hand so
I'm just happy that you're here

"You mock my pain!"
"Life is pain, highness... Anyone that says differently is selling something"

Quote

Changing reality through complete acceptance 

Notes:

• The things that are happening that are dark are happening because of the constant resistance to them.
• You don't like a certain pattern in your body, so you're pushing it down.  That's happening in the world.  The denial of something makes it fester up again.
• In a world where we understand we are the Light of alchemizing those dark things can't happen anymore.  The factor of what causes something to be dark is the fact that there isn't Light shined on it.  It needs secrecy, it can't do it if it is seen.
• This is why you seeing something that you are usually in resistance to causes it to change.  This is where you finally see it and the truth comes out about it.
• This constant denial about certain things going on that cause resistance to it and it's not the same frequency as what Light can do. 
• Resistance to it is great, that's a good start, but there is denial resistance and there is I see it resistance.  They are very different.
• If a pattern is coming up and you're pushing it down, you have not brought to Light that this is existing.  You're just hiding it.
• When you bring Light to it, you bring a new level of Love to the situation, Love comes not resistance and fear so that changes the habit much more likely.
• When we start realizing about dark things happening in the world and we deny it it's not the same as bringing it to Light, when you are in a space to admit that it is here, now you make decisions out of your calling versus being at war with it.
• You don't have to judge it to do something about it.  You can see it and know that if you jump off the cliff it isn't going to go well - don't do it out of awareness, not fear - you don't need fear - choose out of consciousness, you don't need to choose from a lower level - you can be the change when you let go of judgement and see it.  It doesn't mean you condone and feed, it means you bring Light to it. 
• You feed it by being in war to it, by not seeing it, the universe teaches you to see bigger.  The universe is teaching you to see bigger.  Do this with something in your own body.  A thing you don't want to admit about yourself - how has that gone?  Seems to always come up until you've moved to a consciousness that's big enough to fully look at it.  Now it's being seen and investigated.  What's causing it?
• Now your power of your Light sees it.  Darkness exists, but it does because we have parts that we do not want to admit is a part of this world and until we move to the oneness that accepts this is a part of the world - not like you wanna keep it going - but accept like you're going to alchemize it and get it off the planet with the Love and Light that you are, versus constant denial that it exists.  Unconscious fixing never works.
• We see it more in the world because what is inside can no longer be contained and the ego cannot sit on top of it, so what is inside of the world can no longer be contained.  The collective ego will move quickly because it knows it has been seen.  It's like a bad guy at the end of a movie.  We see it's done.  The witch is melting.  The Light sees what's going on.  
• This is a hard dark time because life is moving you from your small self that has been avoiding your darkness and was able to do it through addictive patterns, that was going on until recently.  Your ego is dying so God can change it.
• You can stay in denial of that but you will be knocked on your ass.  Everything will be knocked out to get present, it is doing this to the whole planet.  No one can keep their secret self going, the manipulative energies of the world will collapse.  You won't even be scared of them.

Own your dark side before it's too late

Notes:

• You have a dark side and that's a good thing.  But do you embrace it?  Or do you try to ignore it, pretend it doesn't exist or even pretend it's someone else's?
• Carl Jung didn't think that was a good idea, he thought that if we didn't deal with our shadows they would come back to haunt us.  And he was right.
• What is the shadow theory and how it applies to our lives?  Carl Jung's shadow theory has been a topic of debate for decades.  It is one of the most important theories in psychology because it challenges traditional ideas about personality and how we view ourselves as human beings.  
• Jung explains that there are two parts of our personality, the ego - the part that is conscious and aware and the shadow - the unconscious part of us that we don't always get along with.
• The ego represents what we think about ourselves and wants from life.
• The shadow represents all those things we don't want to admit about ourselves or aren't proud of.
• But what creates the shadow personality?  Carl Jung said we subconsciously create our own shadow personality by repressing our fears and negative emotions, then you keep this part of you hidden because it is too weird or taboo for other people or society to accept.
• This part of yourself might even make you feel bad about yourself at times and cause anxiety or deep dissatisfaction about life.
• Jung believed that if we don't deal with our shadows properly or at all this dark side will become activated whenever something threatens our sense of security.  
• Your shadow can come out in full force, for example through anger or violence and it can have devastating effects on both yourself and others around you.
• You might ask what you should do about your shadow or what is the best way to deal with your dark side?
• Jung suggested that we should own our shadows and integrate them into our personalities to feel more centered and peaceful.
• You can recognize your shadow by listening to your inner voice, intuition in dreams.  Listen to your emotions and body language as well.  Even more so, be aware of the surroundings that you are in.  This process is called shadow work and it involved diving into your subconscious mind to discover the aspects of yourself that you repress and keep hidden from yourself.
• Shadow work has a series of exercises and steps, to explain it briefly it includes four general steps:
• Step one - Becoming aware of the shadow - keep in mind that the shadow is illusive, it lurks behind us.  Our defensive systems are meant to keep our shadows hidden so the first step in our shadow work is to be aware of your emotional reactions.  The more you observe your actions and feelings, the more likely it is that you may catch your shadow in action.  We have a tendency to project our subconscious aspects onto others.  Paying attention to your emotional reactions to other people is one of the best methods to recognize your shadow.  But it's not easy.  It's extremely difficult for us to see the shadow within ourselves, but most people can easily see unwanted shadow traits in others.  This is one of the main reasons people like to gossip.  Surprisingly the entire celebrity gossip industry is simple but powerful human behaviour.  So if being aware of your own shadow traits is hard for you, you can also make a journal to record and keep track of your emotional observations, simply write down how you feel and what you think about whenever you see or feel negative emotions in yourself or feel or act negatively toward others around you.  This process can help you better understand when your shadow gets activated and starts to control you.
• Step two - Listen to your inner talk.  Most people have an inner voice in their heads.  It may be our best friend or our worst enemy.  The important thing is that we should listen to these self talks instead of ignoring them.  This might sound like a scary idea because most of us believe that only crazy people talk to themselves, but you should know that your personality or your psyche consists of many inner voices and disowned parts of the mind so by noting them or even journaling our inner voices we can take a big step towards integrating them into our personalities.
• Step three - Accepting the shadow rather than trying to suppress or deny it.  One of the best way to accept your own shadow is to question your good self.  Most of us want to believe we are good people and this is rooted in our childhood when we were praised by parents or families for being good. 
• Step four - Integrating the shadow into the personality so it can be consciously acknowledged or delt with in a healthy way.  In this step your goal is to become your disowned personality or let them go.  This may involve finding healthy ways to express the thoughts, feelings and desires that make up the shadow or working to change negative patterns of behaviour that are rooted in the shadow.  Pick the characteristics that irritate or fascinate you about yourself.  Then try to act according to them, or completely clear them from your subconscious mind.  This might feel awkward in the beginning, but it gets easier as you practice more.  Of course, letting go of the ego is a difficult and life-long process.  To integrate your ego into your personality, you need to be prepared for some soul searching.  Many people view this process as a mental exercise but it also requires physical and emotional work.  In fact, integrating your shadow is more about how you approach life than any specific technique or method.    The path toward integration isn't always easy or clear, it's a journey of discover that can take months or years before you see results.
• But ultimately it's worth the work when you truly embrace yourself and all aspects of who you are there is no limit to what you can accomplish in this world.  
• You might ask what happens if you don't integrate your shadow?  Is this really important?  The answer is yes. 
• If you don't integrate then the ego has to do the work of integrating, the ego is a false self that is based on deception and denial.
• It's like a lie you tell yourself to protect yourself from facing reality.  As long as we live in our egos, we will be stuck in this world of lies and cannot see anything accurately or fully.  We can't see others for who they really are because we only see them through our own distorted lens of judgement.  We can't see ourselves for who we really are and finally, we can't even see the truth about ourselves because it's too painful.
• And what's even worse than all these problems is that if someone tries to show us something true about ourselves or about life in general, instead of accepting reality as it really is, we will reject it because it goes against everything that our ego holds dear.
• This is our ego's self protection mechanism against any threat which may threaten it's fragile sense of self worth.  
• So it's better to put in the work and face your dark side or shadow instead of suffering your whole life or even worse as Carl Jung said, "Project our shadow onto others and make them suffer."

How your trauma explains your coping mechanisms

Notes:

• Carl Jung once said, "Until we are able to make the unconscious conscious it will direct our life and you will call it fate."  That's the value of self awareness.  The more aware we become of our own flaws, struggles and shortcomings, the better we are at adapting, evolving and flourishing in life. 
• But introspection can be scary because it forces us to confront things about ourselves and past we may not know how to deal with, but the first step to overcoming any problems is to acknowledge it and the same is true for a lot of emotional baggage we still carry with us today.
• Common coping mechanisms and how they relate to certain types of traumatic experiences:
• Number one - abuse/exploitation - Have you ever had someone you trusted purposefully hurt, abuse or take advantage of you?  Have you ever been humiliated, cheated on, lied to or manipulated by someone you once considered a friend or a loved one?  Where most people who have had and still have unhealed trauma because of this, their coping mechanism is likely to mistrust or always be suspicious of other people and their intentions.
• Number two - abandonment - whether it was a parent who walked out on you or a romantic partner who ghosted you out of the blue, or growing up in the system and moving around from one family to another, experiences of being abandoned especially at a young age can easily leave us with lasting emotional damage.  They often erode our sense of self worth and negatively impact our view of others as well so if you have a deep seeded fear of abandonment, it is most likely that your coping mechanism is to keep people at an emotional distance and leave before you get left.
• Number three - emotional depravation - similar to the last point, even if the significant people in your life are physically and actually there for you, their emotional neglect and depravation can be just as traumatizing.  Were they never attentive or affectionate towards you?  Did they deprive you of empathy, understanding, and emotional connection?  Did you often feel alone and unsupported?  Experiences of emotional depravation often lead to an over reliance on one's self and an inability to ask for help or show weakness to others.
• Number four - shame/unworthiness - Anyone who has had to deal with a difficult person in their lives knows the psychological and emotional toll it takes to listen to their criticism every day, and one we are constantly made to feel like nothing we do will ever be good enough it is hard not to internalize their rejection and resort to self blame.  People who have had this particular trauma tend to be timid overly apologetic and hypersensitive.  They are often prone to perfectionism and over achieving and are likely to be overly self critical as well.
• Number five - dependence/incompetence - Being coddled and overprotected can also tear down self esteem.  When everyone in your life is acting like you can't ever do anything by yourself and exaggerate how much you need them this can lead to enmeshment and an underdeveloped sense of self.  That's why people who are spoiled and entitled often have fragile egos, those who have experienced this are most likely to struggle with a lot of self-doubt, hidden insecurity, and easily fall victim to emotionally codependent relationships.
• Number six - approval or recognition seeking - While it might not seem so traumatic at first glance, an over emphasis on one's status, appearance or achievement can make us overly approval and recognition seeking, making our sense of self worth entirely dependent on external rather than internal validation.  Thus those with this kind of emotional trauma often end up people pleasers and pushovers and tend to struggle with a lack of authenticity in their sense of self and unsatisfying relationships.
• Number seven - emotional inhibition - People who have been punished or invalidation for their emotions often end up emotionally stunted and resort to suppression, avoidance and denial to deal with their problems.  Because they were taught early on that expressing one's emotions is inherently negative, they will often just bottle up their feelings until they can't anymore.  These people are prone to emotional outbursts, anger management problems and difficulty expressing and communicating their feelings.

How is fear caused?

Notes:

• So what is the causation of fear?  Listen to it.  Put that question to yourself and don't try to find an answer.  Because if you try to find an answer/cause and try to kill it out that means that you are different from fear.  Are you different from fear or are you fear?
• When you are greedy, is the greed different from you?  When you are angry is anger different from you?  You are anger and greed.  So you are fear.  You have separated yourself from fear and said that you must do something about it, you have invented Gods, puja and all the rest of this to mitigate fear.
• Listen to it, to the question and don't react.  Do say how?  Then you are asking for help.  Then you are depending on somebody.  Then you lose all of your vitality, independence and sense of stability.
• Put this question to yourself and do not expect an answer, let the question itself become a planted seed in the Earth, and if this seed is alive, then it got through concrete.  In the same way if you put this question to yourself and hold it, then you will see the cause of it. 
• The cause is very simple - what is important is to put the question and let the question breathe, live properly.  So you put the question and let that question answer itself like the seed in the Earth.  Then you will see that the seed flowers and withers. 
• To keep pulling on it and asking it, then you are losing energy.  Leave the question alone and live with it then you will see that there is a cause for fear.  Not the word, the explanation, but the actual truth of it.  
• The causation of fear is thought and time.  Time is the future and the past.  Also, thought.  You can't do anything about it.  Don't say "How am I to stop thinking?"  But you have got to think to survive.  But time may not be necessary at all psychologically, inwardly.   

Wiping fear away

Notes:

• One may be afraid of the darkness, one may be afraid of losing one's wife or husband, having no money, of some past pain and not wanting it again, of a dozen different things.
• Analytically you can go through them one by one, which is such a waste of time, it simpler and more direct to go to the root of fear.
• Many do not realize or are deeply aware the nature of fear, what it does to human beings.
• When there is fear, there are many kinds of neurotic actions.
• Fear of being lonely - most of you are lonely.  And so you seek companionship to escape from loneliness, so companionship becomes very important.  And if you have no companionship, fear arises.  Or out of that loneliness you build a wall around yourself, you resist, you escape and out of that escape, resistance, suppression grows every form of neurotic action.
• It is very important to understand the nature and destruction of fear because it will not give clarity, and if there is no clarity, there is no awakening of intelligence, which is our meeting: that we have gathered together to see if we cannot awaken that intelligence which is neither yours nor mine.  It is intelligence.  And that intelligence has its own action, which is non-mechanistic and therefore without cause.  
• It is very important to understand and be free totally, completely of fear.  We see the importance and the urgency of being completely both consciously and unconsciously wiped of fear.
• One can deal with conscious fears relatively easily.  It is more difficult to be free of fears of which you know not of, fears that are hidden.
• How are you going to examine the deeply rooted fears, is it possible to examine?  Psychologists say it is possible through analysis.  Through dreams, careful psychoanalytical therapy.  One must go into this question of analysis altogether, the mind is free from the analytical process because analysis doesn't clear up the mind.
• There is no clarity in analysis because the more you analyze the more there is.  And it might take you all of your life.  At the end of it you have nothing.
• We are going to think together and find out the truth, not your or mine, but the truth of analysis.  
• First of all, in analysis there is the observer and the observed.  The analyzer and the analyzed.  The analyzer says, "I am going to analyze my reactions - my dreams, desires, fears." - But is the analyzer different from the fear?  Different from the thing which is going to analyze.  You must be very clear on this.
• If you say they are different, which most people do then you are caught in everlasting conflict.  He can examine his responses of anger, jealousy, violence, and in that examination in that analysis, the examiner thinks he is separate.  And this separation will inevitable divide, and therefore there must be conflict.  Where there is division there is conflict.

Quote

The trauma of abandonment

Notes:

• When I was a year old, my mother gave me to a stranger in the street to save my life because she didn't know if she would be alive the next day so I didn't see her for a month.  Deep sense of abandonment not being wanted.  I don't recall that, I can't recall being handed to a stranger because there's nothing to recall with.  The brain's organ hippocampus that encodes recall memory is not developed in a baby, but the emotional implicit memory of abandonment is deep in me.
• When there's a loss emotionally that translates into biology so it's not that there is biology here and emotions here, it's that the emotions and the biology are completely inseparable and what happens on the emotional plane inevitably will have its manifestations on a biological plane so what you lose emotionally translates into biological events in your body and that begins with brain development.
• I began to be interested in brain development when diagnosed with ADHD late in life and was in a couple months two kids were diagnosed which seemed to go along with the mainstream medical view of a genetic disorder which I never bought into.  Why didn't I buy into it?  Because although I didn't know anything about the development of the brain, I knew the tuning out, the absent mindedness that characterizes ADD is not a disease inherited or otherwise.
• What is tuning out?  It is an adaptive response to stress.  So that if I were to stress you right now, to be verbally abusive, emotionally insulting, domineering, you would go into a stress state and how could you deal with it?  You could just walk out the door or you could stand up and defend yourself and if you couldn't walk out nor defend yourself to fight back, flight or fight was not available there is still a third thing you can do - you can ask for help, but what if you couldn't do any of those things then how would you handle the stress?  You wouldn't.  Your brain would handle it by a number of defense mechanisms, the salient of which would be dissociation.  You zone out, all of a sudden you are not here.  Now you are not suffering as much, so it's simply a coping response is all it is.
• The way we adapt to early stress helps us endure that difficult period in the life of a helpless child but the same adaptations become a source of pathology that threaten your health, your longevity and so forth.  So what is adaptive in one situation, mean to be temporary becomes a long term trait.  And when it goes from a state to a trait, now it is a source of dysfunction and pathology.
• What I didn't know is how the brain actually develops.  The brain develops is an interaction with the environment, so the brain is not genetically programmed, the potential that is genetically set and the trajectory of development in terms of what circuits will develop when, that's set genetically but how it will develop, how successfully they will unfold and connect and what systems in the brain will become to dominate that's not genetically programmed, that depends on interaction of that individual with the environment.  
• The most significant factor, shaping the physiological development of the brain is the emotional relationship with the parenting environment and the necessary condition for optimal brain development are parents who are emotionally available, consistently available, non-stressed, non-depressed and future responsive or attuned to the child.  
• Anything that interferes with the capacity of the parent to offer those qualities to the child will have its impact on brain development.  If you look at my ADHD it is easy to understand.
• The stress of our mothers programs our brains.  What do you do as a two month old when your mother is depressed, terrorized, in grief over the death of her parents, the absence of her husband?  As a two month old, what do you do with that pain and stress?  You tune it out.  When do you tune it out?  When your brain is developing, when every second there are periods in the first year of life in this space of time millions of brain connections are being made.  That adaptation of tuning out becomes a permanent state and so years later you can be diagnosed with mental health issues.
• The message I got from the world early on was that I was not wanted.  For a child to feel wanted, the mother has to be happy, emotionally present and children when they don't get that it is all about themselves, they are narcissistic.  They think it is about them.  When you see a narcissistic personality, what you see is a highly traumatized person who still thinks it's all about him because he didn't get those needs met as a child so he is still trying to get it.  The personality that we develop is an adaptation.
• You can feel good about yourself, feel centered and grounded and something unexpected can happen you can go into a rage.  What is the rage about?  The one you need is not here for you.  That is an implicit memory and we are governed by these implicit memories until we become aware, until we become conscious and can notice that anger rising up in one's self.  
• You recognize that it is an emotion rising inside you and then you accept it.  Right now there is anger, then hold it mindfully like a baby, then you look, what is it all about?  And then the insight comes.  This is old stuff.  Nothing to be upset about.  The solution is mindfulness.
• How do you compensate the feeling of not being wanted?  By making yourself needed.  They may not want me, but they are going to need me, so this goes on all the time, available for patients all the time and never say no to take on more patients.  Where does that leave the family?  Full circle.  A sense of not being wanted for their parent is not around, and the mother is stressed.  So then they tune out.  Now they are diagnosed with ADD.  Genetic disease?  Nonsense.  Multigenerational trauma and stress being passed on as it affects brain development and if you want to understand why we are seeing childhood development disorders - autism 40-fold increase - all these diagnosis, behaviour problems, school, learning difficulties - we are looking at the biology of loss as it affects the brains of our children and then how we respond to it is with medications and behaviour control instead of seeing what is going on here.  What is going on here is that our children are acting out their lost attachment relationships.

Be a loner - the art of not feeling lonely

Notes:

• I realized recently that I will never know what I look like, all I will ever see is a two-dimensional representation of myself reflected back at me in mirrors and photos and people, but never the real thing.  
• I'm the closest anyone will ever be to me and I will never even know what I am like from the outside.
• It's not even just how I look, I will never know how I come off in general, how other people perceive and think of me, how I feel to be around.  I will never know for sure what the sum of my qualities equals on the other side of the equation and in a lot of ways, I think that's actually who I am.
• I went on this trip to try to find myself but so far I have mostly just realized the foolishness of this, I don't even know who I am looking for at this point.  Going somewhere to find yourself is kind of like putting your glasses on to try to find your glasses, you will never find them because you already have them on.
• The pace of this country is must slower than what I am used to which is probably isn't great for someone who came here trying to run from everything.  It is more accurate to say I went on this trip to try to run from everything than try to find anything at all.
• It's like I have been in a game of hide and seek with everything and this whole time I thought I was the one looking, but I have been the one hiding and everything is really good at always finding you.  Some things you can't hide from.
• There's something about being in a different place where people are different from you that reminds you that people are different, when you actually think about the real lives of random strangers versus just knowing they are out there it truly makes them strange.  They all have their own lives with their own versions of each moment, each day, this blip of life in the vastness of time and their versions are all just as real, vivid, intense and important to them as mine is to me.
• I am as much of a vague out of focus background character in a scene they will forget to them as they are to me.  They will never know they made an appearance in my life, and I will never know if I made it into anyone else's, but it won't matter.  It's never about anyone else anyway. 
• In truth you are the star of every story you tell even if it seems to have nothing to do with you which also means you are not the star of everyone else's story, even if it seems to be about you.  What someone says about something says far more about them than the thing they are talking about.
• The world is filled with 8 billion theaters, 8 billion story tellers narrating their own story to their own audience that is themselves.  Stop talking poorly about people behind their back that you claim to like or love, that way you can at least have a false hope that they don't do the same.
• How many of the people passed by would be the best person you have ever met if you met them?
• How good could a friendship or relationship really fit if you could try them all on?  Maybe that is not the point.
• It's a curse to be human, and to know that there are infinite possibilities for how life could go and that you only get to try just one.  Most of who we become close with is just by the random odds of proximity, change met with desperation and the fear of being alone.  And if you are really, really lucky, maybe one of those people is someone you would choose to keep close if you live forever and met everyone.
• Maybe forming a couple close connections with a few people is the best anyone can really do and maybe the more you run around searching for the exact right people and things you end up accidentally sacrificing what is good and perhaps good is more than enough.
• Eventually, all loose threads unravel, only tying things tightly keeps them together.  But in order to do so, you have to commit to them being stuck in place.
• You can make more friends in two months by being interested in people than you can in two years trying to get people interested in you.
• Most of my life has been spent trying to construct different versions of myself so that I appear the best I can in other people's minds, but I've never spent much time trying to even understand other people's minds.  You can't make people like you, you can only try to understand them and hope they try to do the same back.
• Connecting with people means visiting their theater to watch their film and then extending the offer back to them and trusting that they won't leave a trail of popcorn and sticky soda on the floor on their way out.  God knows I have left plenty theaters messier that when I showed up, but so have other people to mine.  People are just messy and sticky.
• I think I am just going to try to enjoy the screenings from now on without worrying so much about the clean up, at least until I have to.

Don't sacrifice your soul for connection - finding God through loneliness

Notes:

• How do you know if you are in a healthy place, aren't we wired for community and relationships?
• We are wired for both on one level, but we are no longer wired to be attached to community and attached to relationships.
• On a forth/fifth dimension energy, this is down to you connecting with source.  You can still be in a relationship and have community but we are used to thinking we are wired for community means that I should not connect to myself because I am going to be codependent on everyone else.
• What seems to be happening in the world is the fact that every relationship is falling apart right now, that life is going, "Yeah you're not wired for that."  Life is going, "You are wired to heal your inner wounds, you are wired to be on this planet to release old energy.  You are on this planet to evolve, if the person in your life helps you to evolve, fantastic, if the community helps you to evolve, that's great, but if you're grabbing them as the avoidance of your evolution, life will end it, the universe will end it.  If you are grabbing a connection to avoid your highest truth, life will end that connection.  At least until you find your highest truth, but there is no codependency.  Don't use it as an excuse to not find the highest you.  It's still codependency.
• Imagine if we are all in our core.  The Martin Luther King had a community behind him but at the same time he was connected to himself first and the community followed.  Imagine a world where instead of a million followers, there were a million like him, that everyone is connected to their highest truth.  Imagine the difference.  That's the kind of thing that is coming, where people can still work as a community.  Each one is their own self leader, community forms as a by-product.
• The greatest version of everyone is in their own highest truth.  So we are all not just being only one way and everyone is a follower.
• A community still forms but it is not out of the same codependency, it is out of a biproduct of everyone is self leading and you find when everyone is self leading we agree most of the time.  Everything is in a collaboration and we find an answer that always comes through because we are in a complete place.
• Community and relationships are totally allowed as long as they are a byproduct of your evolution.
• If you are not growing while you are in the relationship, or the community and it's literally stopping you from your growth then life will knock it out of your hands.
• If your soul is sacrificed so that you can keep someone else happy because you are so scared to actually say what you truly feel or see who you are or follow your Heart life will knock that person out of your hands because you are losing yourself in that.
• What if that leaves you lonely/isolated for a long time?  Time doesn't exist and time is adding more strain to the loneliness, the loneliness is only one thing, it's your judgement of the Now.  So loneliness is here to get you to stop judging the Now and to be okay with it.  If you are looking out for someone else, you will feel lonely because you are escaping the Now for the idea of a person and staying at a lower density trying to find something outside of you for happiness.
• If you feel this way it is a chance for you to connect to the Now and be present for the character from your past that still exists in your body to fully feel lonely within you and as you are connected to the Now the character of loneliness can come up, come to light and dissolve.  It is not that someone is not there, it is your judgement.  You grow when you see the pain has zero to do with the circumstances.  
• You are scared that every way is a regret and life is trying to heal your regret, your idea you could regret something.
• You might think it's a break-up that you're going to miss the person, but it is also a purge of the you that tries to fix that relationship.  There's a moment when the fixer gives up and lets go and then when you break up or let go you don't just let go of the thing outside, you let go of the you that held them, you let go of the you that kept it.  You break up with an aspect that no longer serves you. 
• All of these things are here to bring light to the idea that inside is a pattern that's trying to be healed, and when you're feeling lonely, don't just fill it with a person.  if you do, you're just pushing loneliness under the carpet and when that person leaves you will still be lonely. 
• The base default setting is still loneliness even if you marry the person, that is why that is not the solution because this thing is going to fester up even if that person is there. 
• So instead of bringing a person in to fix the default setting of loneliness, get present for the loneliness.  If you are present for it then you start to know it is just a pattern, when that happens often the pattern will come to light.  If you don't fill it with a person right away it will dissolve in you and you will feel God, you will be so in the now you will feel God.  Like when you wake in the morning and feel in awe.  Why aren't you lonely then?  Because you are connected to the essence of you.
• The pain that we have is we think the highest version of ourselves is co-dependency.  We think the highest version of ourselves is what we've seen so far but there is a version of you that you have never seen that is actually more you, but you have to get through the old you that you thought was the highest you, the co-dependent or avoidant, regretful you.  Those are trying to fall out.  You are here to become present.
• People are conditioned through love songs, rom-coms,, sit-coms that make you think that person was under your nose the whole time.  No one lives happily ever after, they never show you what happens after the love story.  You're not going to make it staying co-dependent on a person for the rest of your life, especially if you are here.
• Why are you on this planet?  To fall in love?  Or are you here to seek the truth?  Really be real with what your highest intention is.  Love can be great, but what if you're not here just for that?  What if you're here to find out what you truly are?  What if you're here to heal things?  What if your hierarchy really is true?  I move in alignment with what is merging with my soul.  Our problem is we don't keep levels and we make choices that are simplistic.  What if you just decide the number one goal is "meet my soul" or truly find out what I am, and then does the relationship fit in with that? 
• This is a different life, some people flip this and mess up their process.

Quote

Psychology of the wounded healer

Notes:

• One must be wounded to become a healer, many people however experience suffering and do not become healers.  Practically everyone could become a healer if it depended only on the experience of suffering.  It is only by overcoming suffering and having been wounded that one may become a healer.
• We have to follow the way of our psychological maturation to discover the reason for our suffering because the reason is something unique in each person.  That is why seeking the meaning of suffering, you seek the meaning of your life.
• The wounded healer is the archetype of the self.  One of it's most widespread features and is at the bottom of all genuine healing procedures.
• Carl Jung is credited with coining the phrase wounded healer, but this term is never used by him in his works, instead he used wounded physician.  Jung did not see himself as someone who had accomplished the healing of his patients, the healing is an individual affair which must immerge from the patient's own psyche in order for there to be a resolution to the problem which is what the term individuation implies.  
• The cure aught to grow naturally out of the wounded individual.  One must find the light that is hidden within the darkness.  As long as we feel victimized, bitter and resentful towards our wound and seek to escape from suffering it, we remain inescapably bound to it.  This is neurotic suffering as opposed to the authentic suffering of the wounded healer which is purified.  The wound can destroy you or it can wake you up.
• The Greek God Apollo is a sunlike healer who can cure all ills but is also the bringer of disease and death with his arrows.  He is the unwounded healer.  He raced another God, a centaur who became a skilled healer.  One day the centaur was wounded but despite being healed the wounds of others he was unable to heal his own wound.  He suffered pain for the rest of his life.  It was because of this wound he became a healer. 
• The secret of healing is inside the wound, which contains the medicine.  True health comes from acceptance of our wounds.  The healer exchanged his immortally for the life of Prometheus who had been punished by the God for giving fire/consciousness to mankind, freeing us from being puppets of the Gods.  Consciousness is deeply traumatic, but it is also the greatest gift we have been given.  In his honor, the wounded healer was given a place in the stars when he died. 
• He represents a wound that can never heal and at the same time he is the potential source of our greatest capacity to heal, particularely other people.
• Christ is the Biblical version of the same fundamental image, the difference is the Greek God had no choice and he could not heal himself, Christ volunteered for the role and could have escaped but did not.  Both are healers, both are wounded and both transcend to the heavens at the end.
• This image is to be distinguished from the healthy healer.  The wounded healer combines both the healthy and the suffering.  This is what Saint Paul meant by the thorn in his flesh.
• Asclepius holds the rod of Asclepius, a snake entwined staff associated with healing, which remains a symbol of medicine to this day.  This is not to be confused with the caduceus, a symbol of commerce that has to do with Hermes.

• Our woundedness can put us into a miserable state of suffering and pain or it can be a source of healing, the wounded healer refers to the capacity to be at home in the darkness of suffering and dare to find germs of light and recovery which which as though by enchantment, to bring forth Asclepius.  
• The Gods can get upset if you transgress the boundary of mortality/immortality.  
• Asclepius provides a respite to those who are not yet ready for death, he gives time for us to attend to the health of our souls and to prepare for what lies ahead.  Death is the great equalizer.  It is not promised that there won't be death, the point of healing is to give one time to prepare for death.
• There was a crown on the head of Asclepius, a golden wreath represents rays and symbolizes the sunlight.
• This is a special gift, it is neither a religious nor a philosophical knowledge, but is rather a familiarity which can never be acquired with sickness and the process of recovery, it is a spark of intuitive knowledge about the possibilities of rising from the depths, a spark by which observation, practice, and training can be fanned into a high art and science, into a true art of healing.
• Illness and healing are not opposites but rather inseparable aspects of a deeper process that is being reveled through their interplay, the sunlike healer symbolized that just like the self generating light of the sun, the ultimate source of healing to be found within ourselves.
• A natural death is not to be mourned, but celebrated.  Many die too late and some die too early.  The doctrine still sounds strange, die at the right time.  To be sure, how could a person who never lives at the right time ever die at the right time?  Were that he were never born.  Thus advices the superfluous, everyone regards dying as important, but death is not yet a festival, as of yet people have not yet learned how to consecrate the most festivals.  I show you the consummating death that becomes a goad and a promise to the living.  The consummated one dies his death victorious, surrounded by those who hope and promise, thus one should learn to die and there should be no festival where such a dying person does not sear oaths to the living.  
• The Greeks believed that old age was not a life stage but a stage of transition between life and death, for Jung it is part of the second half of life and psychologically as important as birth.  The denial of death only leads to further neurosis.  Death is inevitable and to fight against it is to fight against life itself.
• Just as a young person needs to learn to live, an old person has to come to terms with death and for that one must have a personal myth which is created by observing our inner life through dreams, active imagination, intuitions and synchronicities.
• Death is an important interest, especially to an aging/sick person.  A categorical question is being put to him and he is under an obligation to answer it - to this end he ought to have a myth about death for reason shows him nothing but a dark pit into which he is descending.  
• Myth can conjure up other images for him, helpful and enriching pictures of life in the land of the dead.  If he believes in them or greets them with some measure of credence he is being just as right or wrong as someone who does not believe in them, but while the man who despairs marches towards nothingness, the one who has placed his faith in the archetype forms the tracks of life and lives right into his death.  Both to be sure remain in uncertainty, but the one lives against his instincts, the other with them.
• Jung's entire psychology is predicated on the existence of psychic oppositions in the human psyche.  It is the tension of opposites that gives rise to a wholeness.  This carves a path to the self. 
• There are two faces of life, the first face in which we are oriented outwardly and the second face in which our focus shifts inward during midlife.  
• Individuation is a reconciliation of both inner and outer life.  The processes of individuation, the conscious coming to terms with one's own inner center, psychic nucleus or self generally beings with a wounding of the personality and the suffering that accompanies it - this initial shock amounts to a sort of call although it is not often recognized as such.
• We need to learn from our own experiences of being wounded, to release ourselves from what may be the most serious illness of all - the fantasy of a health without wounds, a life without death.
• Those with a healing career end up profoundly wounded or even die.  It is a given that if one enters into the role of healer, at some point one will be severely wounded.  To become individuated is no easy task, it is a very painful process, equivalent to bearing our own cross as Christ did on his way to being crucified.  The wound is our initiation into our fragmented self, our call to adventure that begins the Hero's Journey.
• The Hero's main feat is to overcome the monster of darkness.  It is the long hope for and expected triumph of consciousness over the unconscious.  
• When the Hero overcomes the monster, he finds the treasure, the princess, the elixir of life, etc. which are psychological metaphors for one's true feelings and unique potential.
• Jung wrote, "In myths the Hero is the one who conquers the dragon not the one who is devoured by it and yet both have to deal with the same dragon.  Also, he is no hero who never met the dragon or who, if he once saw it declared afterwards that he saw nothing.  Equally only one who has risked the fight with the dragon and is not overcome by it wins the treasure hard to attain.  He alone has a genuine claim to self confidence for he has faced the dark ground of himself and thereby has gained himself.  He has acquired the right to believe that he will be able to overcome all future threats by the same means."
• The Hero's journey is not just a story, but a deeply embedded myth that explains the human condition.  The call to adventure occurs when we are separated from our ordinary world of comfort and must tread into unknown and dangerous territory and that causes anxiety.  This often leads to refusal, which slowly deteriorates one's life and relationships.
• There comes a point where the wounds become too much to bear and one must tend to them.  Going through our wound is a genuine death experience, as our old self dies in the process while a new more expansive and empowered self is born.
• The sacred and the profane are two existential situations assumed by mankind throughout history, from the perspective of religious thought, the manifestation of the sacred is what gives meaning, structure and orientation to the world.  The scared is akin to the platonic world of forms which exist beyond space and time, it is the home of the universal, immortal and eternal.
• The profane on the other hand contains everything concrete, mortal and temporal.  Since it is a place of constant becoming, it is a place of decay and death.
• To express the manifestations of the sacred which we gain access to by repetition, imitation and participation in the divine patterns.  Religious behaviour does not only commemorate but also participates in sacred events.  Our ancestors interacted with the sacred because without it man is nothing but dust and ashes, however the sacred also produces a feeling of terror before its awe inspiring mystery and religious fear before the fascinating mystery in which perfect fullness of being flowers.
• There are all numinous experiences induced by the revelation of the divine.  To whatever degree he may have desacralized the world, the man who has made his choice in favor of a profane life never succeeds in completely doing away with his religious behaviour.
• Celebrations and rituals depict the idea of what is called the eternal return, that is, a reconnection with the mythical age.  This behaviour is still emotionally present with us in one form or another, ready to be reactualized in our deepest being.
• Each year becomes a repetition of the mythical age and we can step into the divine realm, transporting us back to the world of origins.  Time is not a linear succession of events, but a circle.  Linear time and the lack of any inherent value on the march of historical events, the terror of history is one of the reasons for modern man's anxieties.
• Sicknesses, dreams and ecstasies is a shamanic initiation which is not resolved until one transforms the profane into the sacred.
• Shamanism is not any kind of mental disease, but rather a temporal crisis that expresses the human condition.  In shamanic initiations the initiate experiences an illness of some type which is not resolved until the individual practices shamanic exercises such as drumming and chanting until he his cured, he is then regarded as a shaman in the community and has the role of a healer. 
• The primitive magical, the medicine man or shaman is not only a sick man, he is above all a sick man who has been cured, who has succeeded in curing himself.
• Accounts of the shamans inner journey of turmoil and distress expressed through the ecstatic action of trance reveal the venerated images of the awakened psyche.  Living symbols that encompass the wider human experience through creative expression the human condition is elevated, mythologized and at last, collectively understood.
• The lifeway of the shaman is nearly as old as human consciousness itself.  Predating the earlier recorded civilizations by thousands of years.  
• A common thread seems to connect all shamans across the planet and awakening to other orders of reality, the experience of ecstasy and an opening of visionary realms.  The entrance to the other world occurs through the action of total disruption, a crisis involving a psychological and spiritual death.
• There are many similarities between these archaic rituals and the experience undergo in psychotherapy.
• Often people embark on a helping profession because they want to address their personal wounds, dysfunctional childhood, abuse, inferiority complex, etc. in order to heal themselves and help others with their own healing.
• Psychologically we all have a compensatory function in our lives, a person who has a lack of self worth may appear outwardly to be very confident, a person who thinks he is not smart may spend a long time reading books and acquiring a vast wealth of knowledge and at every opportunity, expresses this knowledge to others.
• Our feelings of inferiority are part of the shadow and the persona, or social mask we present to others is our compensation for what is lying in our shadow.  Overcompensation can cause someone to act in opposition to what he feels emotionally and thus he conceals his true self.  His problems are repressed and never faced constructively, and the shadow grows larger and darker.
• A traumatic and abusive childhood can cause what is called repetition compulsion, an unconscious need to repeat traumatic events, which shows up in different situations, but has the same underlying archetypal pattern.
• This can extend to all sorts of relationships in one's life with one's parents, friends, partner, children, etc. - every repetition makes the problem worse and more complex.  Our unconscious tries to heal us by recreating and activating these situations as an opportunity to come into a new relationship with the underlying pattern, to convert the poison into healing.
• The contradictory opposites of poison and cure is a drug that can be both beneficial and harmful.  The wounded healer is one who has taken his wound seriously and transforms his poison into a gift to bestow upon others.  
• We could say without too much exaggeration that a good half of every treatment that proves at all deeply consists in the doctor's examining himself for only what he can put right in himself can he hope to put right in the patient.  It is no loss either if he feels that the patient is hitting him, it is his own hurt that gives the measure of his power to heal.  Our wounds can become a wellspring of healing for another.  Only the wounded physician heals.
• In the suffering of Christ, by his wounds we are healed.
• Only the analyst who feels himself deeply affected by his patient could heal and the analyst cannot take the patient to a place the analyst has never been, this is not only a matter of empathy, but of knowledge - gnosis - of what soul work is and how it matters.  At some point the patient must also realize that the potential for healing resides within themselves.  The analysist acts as a psychopomp or spiritual guide for the patient.  
• It can be extremely helpful to have allies in order to defeat one's dragon, which symbolizes one's fears, obstacles, hardships or repressions.  But one must deal the final blow to the dragon one's self.
• The crucial point is that I confront the patient as one human being to another.  Analysis is a dialogue demanding two partners - analyst and patient sit facing one another - eye to eye, the doctor has something to say, but so has the patient.  While the analyst performs the role of a healer, his wounds live a shadowy existence and can be reconstillated in particular situations, especially when working with someone who's wounds are similar.  The shadow of the wounded patient on the other hand is his inner healer, therefore the unconscious relationship between analyst and patient is as important as what is consciously communicated in terms of the healing process.  It can be a transformative experience for both people.  
• Healing can take place only if the analyst has an ongoing relationship with the unconscious otherwise he or she may identify with the healer archetype, a common form of inflation, this is known as a complex where the therapist takes healing too far.  The therapist believes he has God like powers of healing and that there is no need for a relationship.
• Dreams are often compensatory in nature and you can use them to adjust your attitude.
• You must at all times keep watch over yourselves, over the way you are reacting to your patient and to be aware of not projecting your wounds on the wounded patient.  Depth psychology is a dangerous occupation, since the analyst is forever prone to being infected by other's wounds or having their wounds reopened.
• Psychological conflicts or emotional wounding is not a disease, but an initiation into a process that opens us up to the unconscious, the archetype of the wounded healer is constellated through our wounds. 
• Just as a physical wound needs to be cleaned, bandaged and given the time to heal, so too do psychological wounds need to be cured by removing negative influences, creating an and maintain an environment in which the healing can take place and having the patience to allow the natural energy to accomplish the work of growth and healing. 
• The event of our wounding sends us on a journey in search of ourselves.  Through our cracks is where the light comes in.  Our fragmented self is the doorway into the transpersonal and archetypal realm, the master pattern and ultimate guide in our lives, to the infinite wisdom of the self.
• It is an archetypal universal idea that becoming broken, though on one hand obscuring our wholeness is actually an expression of it.  It is as if some form of destruction is a prerequisite for individuation and is important for the birth of the self.  Suffering is collective, it can be taken as a sign that we are no longer suffering from ourselves but rather from the spirit of the age.
• The microcosm and macrocosm are one and the same, through transforming ourselves we transform the world, through transforming the world we transform ourselves.  We are interdependent parts of a greater all embracing whole and holy being.  To realize this is to have an expansion of consciousness.  The archetype of the wounded healer symbolizes a type of consciousness that can hold a seemingly mutually exclusive and contradictory opposite of being consciously aware of both our woundedness and wholeness at the same time.  The greatest and most important problems of life are all in a certain sense insoluble, they can never be solved, but only outgrown.

I think on this explanation of the wounded healer and what sticks out the most to me are two key points - one, that in order to overcome and accept death that a sick person needs to take up a mythology.  Something to put in place to curb the darkness.  And lo and behold, I am struck with it.  I am in Love with it!  It seeps out from the very corners of my mind and slips in little secrets of Love and divine healing from under the curtains like a secret admirer.  Love letters from the universe slipped into my locker.  The second point was that when the healer begins to awaken, he starts to see how the microcosm and macrocosm are the same thing.  That the inner heals the outer and the outer heals the inner - much like earlier when I was trying to explain how permaculture and religion/soul development go hand in hand.  Up until listening to this lecture, I felt misunderstood and I felt like maybe I was doing this wrong.  Now I know.  I am going to return to working with the Earth after this post.  I will put in my intentional "slip" for True Love at the edge of it all, let it go, and focus on something more all inclusive for the rest of existence.  It's just nice to know that I might actually be on the up and up, soul wise, spiritual wise.  It's nice to know you are not failing when you're doing your best.  I also really understood how religion can be used to clear up a distasteful life, and how the way of the shaman is to transmute that which is impure to that which is golden and safe to drink.

Quote

My Lord, last night I came about a problem with intrusive thoughts that I felt the need to address in relation to sexuality.  Something that has been getting into my system from the time I realized that it was manifesting something that I didn't feel appropriate creating.  It slips in during these times, right before bed, I like to release some sexual energy so that I can have an easier time sleeping.  If I don't do this, then I lay awake for a much longer time.  The problem here is, as I do this, all sorts of images sprout up in my mind - sexual things that I would either like to let go of as they are lower natured energies, things that I want to correct in my sexuality, or things that aren't even a part of my sexuality, but spring up for a shock factor.  I've been trying to overlay this with other imagery, but this seeps in when I am my most tired and have a hard time fighting it.  Last night I just let it run through because I wanted rest, but felt a sense of defeat about the whole thing. 

So I thought on why this is happening, why I can't overlay this with something that I would prefer and I realized that I don't really know what it is like to be loved, or to experience genuine love in a sexual context - so there is very little frame of reference to put over these things.  Binding, being harmed, being exploited, being humiliated, being torn down, being used as an object for pleasuring one's self on - this is all I really know when thinking about relating to the masculine.  It's all I've had for the most part - not in real life, but as what my mind likes to slave me with - in the real world, I have had decent experiences but none of them were based on real love, mostly the exploitation of my body - a lot of manipulation...  When I think about what I want to bring over to me in the next life, something really genuine and sweet, something that can build new venues for Love to explore itself, to build up my soul and make it into something that I can feel proud of, to know that I am safe with a man, that I won't be judged or torn down or misunderstood, that I won't be subjected to violence - there's... not much there.  Pretty much nothing, other than a few flashes of what that might be like that I lose as easily as it shows up.  I've been watching porn with couples who hide their face, just to reprogram my mind for something that isn't aggressive and deprecating.  Porn has never really been my thing, but it has been helpful for this cause... My intent is to move this darker sexual energy and to put some Light and Love into it, but I don't know how.  I know that as I write these things, you seem to shed Light where I need it - so this is what I ask of you.  Help me to remove these intrusive images.

Do you battle with intrusive thoughts?  How to overcome them.

Notes:

• How do you overcome an intrusive thought?  By replacing it another thought, a true thought, a real thought - a life giving thought.
• Forgetting all that I have left behind, I move forward so that I can reach the goal that is in Jesus Christ.
• The armor of God - one of the parts of the armor of God you need to have every single day: Above all, taking the shield of Faith, where with you shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.
• Take up the shield of Faith so you can remove the darts of the evil one, who is the evil one?  The Devil.  It's not coming from you, the Devil throws the darts to the mind and it is not true, it is a lie.
• How do you take up the shield of Faith?  Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.  Faith comes by hearing and hearing the Word of God.
• How can you handle and raise up this shield so that the darts come against the Truth of God and they will be extinguished.
• You overcome it with another thought - and there is nothing more life giving than the Word of God.  Jesus has come to bring life and abundance.  
• Whenever those lies bump into the Truth of God they are destroyed.  
• How do we have victory?  The darts are lies, because the Devil is a liar.  Those intrusive thoughts of doubt, fear, lust, blasphemy - all those are lies that he's thrown at your mind, meant to distract you from your Christian life.
• Keep your mind on Christ and keep moving forward, don't let these thoughts make you stop.
• Verily I say to you, I am the door of the sheep.  All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not hear them.  I am the true shepherd.  By me if any man enter it he shall be saved and shall go in and out and find pasture. 
• Look at the plan and purpose that the Devil ahs for intrusive thoughts - the thief only comes to steal, to kill and to destroy, but I have come that they might have life and have it more abundantly.  I am the good shepherd.  The good shepherd gives his life for the sheep.
• When those intrusive thoughts, does it feel like you have having an abundant life?  No.  Proof they are not coming from the lord but from the Devil.
• He laid his life down for you - how - when he gave his life for us on the cross.  He gave his life for us on the cross so that we can have forgiveness of our sins and so that we can become people of God to be saved.
• Rebuke intrusive thoughts.
• Timothy is a young preacher and is feeling fear, anxiety, doubt, worry - Paul tells him:  The battle against intrusive thoughts is a battle that everyone faces.  I thank God who I serve with a pure conscience, without seizing I have remembrance of you in my prayers night and day.  Greatly designed to see, being mindful of your tears that they may be filled with joy.  When I call to remember the Faith within you, I am persuaded that it dwells in you.  Remember who you are.  When you battle these thoughts you can forget God loves you, that you are a child of God and that Jesus loves you.  I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.  Anointed.  For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and love and sound mind.
• God has not given you a spirit of fear, God is given you the Holy Spirit and this spirit has power, love and a sound mind.
• When you go through those battles of intrusive thoughts, that is not God.  When you feel fear, doubt - not a conviction that brings repentance - this is about a fear that makes you doubt the love of God and the plan and salvation.  That is an intrusive thought, a dart - remove it by holding up the Word of God, of Faith.  Remind yourself of your worth, you have the victory in Jesus.

Violent love made me a sinner
Keeps getting dimmer
'Til it's gone just like it always does
Pointless life, drowned out liver
I felt a shiver
Behind my eyes and now my spine
And I could feel it rushing

You think by now, I know you better
But I haven't measured
Every time I do, it's like you grow
A brand new skin, so damn clever
Cutthroat pleasure
Coming over me and burning like I needed it to

I could see a shine
In between the words
Even if I'm blind
I could hear it first
The second I met you, I knew who you were
In between the lines, in between the words

I love the way the Sun wrapped around you like a dress woven from strands of light. 
I love the way you stayed close to me as we held hands walking the empty streets at night. 
I love the way your eyes glimmered with hope like a diamond pulled from the earth and polished for the first time, or the way your smile could break through the eyes of the blind.
I loved your innocence, untainted by time and unbound by fate.
I loved your curiosity and how you were cautious enough to know what's at stake.
 The only problem was I was too used to heartbreak.
I became best friends with disappointments and I lost my belief in fate, so familiar with bad timing I was always at the wrong place.
Until I realized that I couldn't go on seeing she was just a friend.
I got so good at telling lies even I started to believe them.
 So now I'm gonna put my heart on the line and speak from my soul to let you know whether your touch is really the only thing I can feel anymore.
 The glisten in your eyes is the only thing I can see anymore.
I want to bring you close and a whisper in your ear like lovers do these soft spoken words way down heavy with truth because honestly all I want is to hold you as the sun goes down, and don't let go until it comes back up.
I want to be that warm connection that you crave whenever you feel a certain touch.
I want to be that rush of adrenaline when you get close enough to the climactic peak of a moment you've never felt before, that heavenly moment where you can't take it any more.
 Then I want to be the arms that you'll fall into as you slip into a peaceful sleep, relieved of all that tension.
Let your guard down, I'll be your wall of protection.
I want to be the ship to steer you in the right direction, and if ever you should hit an iceberg and feel like you're about to drown I'll be the cocoon of oxygen that surrounds you. 
Breathe me into your dreams, I want to be the seams that bind all your emotions together.
I want to be your fantasy, your idea forever.
I want to be the roof over your head to shelter you from the rough weather.
I want to be the guy that sweeps you off your feet. 
I want to be the pair of eyes that you suddenly meet in a crowded place.
I want to be the face of everything you've ever thought you didn't deserve, the voice of everything they said you couldn't achieve.
 Because the truth is you can become anything you dare to believe.
 But most importantly I want you to know that even though this love of ours might not have lasted, I would still walk with you to the end of the world and then past it.

"You have a lot of Good left to give this world."

Soul Surgery 

Notes:

• In this issue you'll discover how a little creative thinking can lead to big rewards, and then you'll hear why it's important to embrace new ideas, to experience failure and reshape attitudes. 
• Failure is a gold mine.  Successful people have at one time or another experienced catastrophic failure, they are people who have rolled up their sleeves and gone to work on a project in which they earnestly believed only to discover themselves ridiculous and embarrassing failures in spite of all their plans and work.
• As a result these people had to sit down and perform ruthless surgery upon their souls to examine themselves and the cause of their failure.
• The person who settles in for a lifetime of doing an average job in an average way experiences neither success nor failure, but rather a lifetime of middle level performance.
• The single element permanently inhibits his success is not a lack of inspiration or talent necessarily, but the absence of catastrophic failure and the soul surgery that follows it.
• The element lacking is shock therapy.  The bucket of ice cold water forces him to take inventory, reorganize, reeducate himself, and realize that a large success in any field takes a large effort and unflagging resistance and dedication.
• If the sun and the moon should doubt, perfectionism is a dangerous state of mind in an imperfect world.
• We set a goal of perfection for ourselves and groaning we conclude that it cannot be achieved. 
• The best way is to forget doubts and set about the task at hand while the battle is being fought or the cake is baking in the oven.  Leave the outcome to the future where it belongs.  Failure is the best guarantee of future success.
• To fail, we have to do something.  This in itself is an achievement regardless of the outcome.  So try again and build your success upon the failures of the past.  Go after that dream in your heart.  Give it everything you've got.
• A worthy triumph cannot be won without faith enough to maintain our integrity.  
• A man's life is what his thoughts make of it.  Everything comes if a man will only wait.  I have brought myself by long meditation to the conviction that a human being with a settled purpose must accomplish it, and that nothing can resist a will that will stake even existence for its fulfillment. 
• If you only care enough for a result you will almost certainly attain it, only you must really wish these things and wish them exclusively and not wish at the same time a hundred other incompatible things just as strongly. 
• Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win by fearing to attempt.
• More than anything else a person's manners tell the world who and what he is.  To be well mannered is to do the thing you should do although you are not obliged to do it.
• In our day to day lives, manners are more important than laws.  That is, a law touches us only here and there but manners vex or pleases debase or exalt us constantly.
• We do not know a man until we know how he spends his leisure time.  It is when a man ceases to do the things he has to do and does the things he likes to do that the character is revealed.  It is then we see the inner man, his real self.
• If someone steals ten dollars from us it might take a few days to get over it, yet how much priceless time to we steal from ourselves?
• The average person is given half million hours and it is up to us to determine what this time is worth and whatever values he feels are important to him, but if we don't get what we want it is seldom because we are not given enough time for it.  It is what we choose to do with it that matters.
• Each of us has a tendency to underestimate his own abilities  We should realize that we have deep within ourselves a reservoir of genius that can be tapped if we would just dig deeply enough.
• In order to spot and seize an opportunity or to recognize one we have to know where we are going, what it is we want to do and accomplish. 
• It's always been the tendency of the human being to mistake the obvious for the truth, to see only the surface and miss entirely that which lies below - it seems in our age we are concerned more with what a person or a thing looks like than with what is underneath.  Ours is an age of youth and beauty, bright teeth, clear eyes, health, so that we can run, not walk to those events calculated to distract us, and this superficial attitude is as absurd as that of the ancients which held that the sun traveled around the Earth because that's what it appeared to do.
• That which is good or even great is always hidden from our view.  Whatever causes anything in creation to be what it is, is that which we cannot see by looking at it.  There is just as much for him or her as there is for anyone else, it's matter of building upon our strengths instead of crying over weaknesses. 
• When we start thinking in new directions, which is the definition of genius, we tend to challenge everything we take for granted and throw out the window for a while all of our comfortable knowledge of how things are or should be. 
• This is the sort of information we need to remind our children of and ourselves, but particularely our children so that they don't happen to look like a picture of baby food or magazines and television, they won't be scarred by unthinking children or adults who's frame of reference is the common, the superficial.
• There are all kinds of people in this world.  Those who are content to leave nowhere lives and those who make the most of every opportunity they find - these are the people who transform even their handicaps into assets and add meaning to their lives.  In short they program themselves for achievement.
• You too can design your life by the goals you set for yourself.  There is nothing commonplace in the world except the mental attitude of man.
• Our attitudes are the result of choice, each of us chooses his or her attitude. 
• A human can grow accustomed to and take for granted the most wonderful and astonishing things, not just the miraculous world about him, but his work as well or the people with whom he works or lives.
• After a while the glow, the radiance seems to fade even from the most wonderful and delightful aspects of life.  It should never happen.
• Every man is worth just so much as the things are worth about which he busies himself.  And that's about it.
• Once it a while it's good to take a look at what you're doing and what you're noticing, what catches and holds one's interest.  Are we conscious of the miracle that consists of our living here on this planet?  De we find awe and inspiration of the mystery that surrounds us?  If we think about it the sameness of our lives would vanish if we did this.  We won't take things for granted anymore.
• Before we turn loose of anything to which we set our hand and mind we should ask ourselves if it is up to standard and because quality of any sort of a journey more than a destination we should also ask ourselves how can I improve on the quality of what I do?
• Wood burns because it has the proper stuff in it and a man becomes great because he has the proper stuff in him.
• The most fortunate adults are those who are living well today but who knew a deprived childhood.  The most creative people are those who had a rough time as kids.  Kids who are raised in poverty or the wrong side of the tracks must fall back on their imagination for enjoyment.  Their lives are filled with daydreams, their imaginations become wonderfully active.  In an instant their bleak surroundings can vanish and the warm sunny world of their minds, all sorts of wonderful things can happen to them under almost all conditions - there is a world to be enjoyed. 
• The more fortunate people seem to be those who knew a certain amount of privation, success beyond anything we might now imagine lies in wait for those who can put together enough courage to live the life they imagine.
• Most people live in two worlds, there is the real world and there's the world of the imagination, the on e they would secretly like to live in.  What keeps them from moving from the world of reality to the imagination is habit and the fear of falling on their face in the attempt and losing even the little which they have and perhaps looking ridiculous in the eyes of their loved ones and friends. 
• What we fail to realize is that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and in endeavors to live the life of which he has imagined - he will meet with success unexpected in common hours. 
• Life pays off handsomely when we're doing that which we most want to do, when we're actually living the life we have imagined for so long.
• It does mean that we should live the life that we know deep down in our very being that we would most like to live, it means we should be doing that which every indicatory of our makeup, fiber of our being tells us we should be doing and has been telling us for some time.
• When an idea tugs at us day after day year after year, when we think about it when we are in bed or wake up or every time there is a lull in our days, when it worries our consciousness then it is time to do something about it and even though making the move might seem to jeopardize every order in our lives.
• One the ultimate tests of faith is our capacity to go on believing that somehow the right is the right even when right is on the scaffold and wrong seems to be on the throne.
• All of the great ventures of our lives require faith enough to bear the burden of our doubts so that we are able to take the first step in the direction that we wish to go.  Enough of faith to keep on going through struggle and strain and to maintain integrity on the way.
• Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen and we need to exchange a life of doubt diversified by faith or one of faith diversified by doubt. 
• When a person doesn't know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind.  You have to know what you are shooting for to see the opportunity by which we are all surrounded.
• If a man is working towards a predetermined goal and knows where he is going, that man is a success.  if he is not doing that, he is a failure.  The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.  People acting like everyone else without knowing why, where they are going.  These people believe that their lives are shaped by circumstances, by things that happen to them, by exterior forces. 
• The only man who succeeds is the man who is progressively realizing a worthy ideal.  He's the man who says I am going to become this and then begins to work towards that goal.
• A man who becomes successful tends to continue to become successful and a man who is a failure tends to continue to fail?  It's because of goals, some of us have them, some don't.  People with goals succeed because they know where they are going.
• A person who's thinking about a concrete and worthwhile goal is going to reach it because that's what he is thinking about and we become what we think about.  Conversely the man who has no goal who doesn't know where he is going and who's thoughts must be thoughts of confusion and anxiety and fear and worry becomes what he thinks about.  His life becomes one of frustration, fear, anxiety and worry.  And if he thinks about nothing, he becomes nothing.
• Think of a ship leaving a harbor and think of it with the complete voyage mapped out and planned.  The captain and crew know exactly where it is going and how long it will take.  It has a goal.  Almost all of the time it will get to where it needs to go.
• Another ship like the first only there is no crew on it.  There is no aiming point, no goal, no destination.  We just start the engines and let it go.  If it gets out of the harbor at all it will sink or wind up on a deserted beach.  It can't go any place because it has no destination or guidance.  It's the same with a human being.
• Why do men with goals succeed in life and men without them fail?  If you understand it will alter your life immediately if you understand completely.  You will find good luck seems to be attracted to you, the things you want just seem to fall in line and from now on you won't have the problems, worries, annoying anxiety from the past.
• Here is the key to success and the key to failure:  We become what we think about.

"May the Light of Love Shine On You
May You Know How Loved You Are"

Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze, if only
Guilty roads to an endless love (endless love)
There's no control
Are you with me now?
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

There's nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart, body, and soul
How can it be
You're asking me
To feel the things you never show
You are missing in my heart
Tell me why can't I be there where you are?

"You are nourishing..."

 

Edited December 26, 2022 by Loba
Soul searching (and finding), working with the Holy Spirit, dream work, research into fear, trauma, abandonment programming, intrusive thoughts, looking into the nature of longing and performing soul surgery.