Anxiety in the body and neediness

[Javfly33]

I absolutely can't believe how powerful neediness is to change your body reactions.

There is this girl who works at a venue , and I go there about 2-3 times a month to deliver some packages.

Well, the first few times I went there, idk why but I was in a good mood and I just started to talking to her and I saw how he became attracted to me. 

But here's the thing. My mind started to become needy and thinking about how I could ask her number. And from that moment I FUCKED UP.

The next times it's been worse and I've been feeling super anxious and having 0 game . From that moment I go into the venue and I my hands start almost trembling and I can't even talk to her.

This is INSANE. The first few times I had 100% game and I was so cool talking and "playing" and having fun seducing her. But once I started having thoughts of neediness, it's literally like I am another person 

The problem is i don't know how to change this. How to go back to having 0 expectations and trying to impress? Lol. I hate my needy mind.

[Globalcollective]

@Javfly33 This is interesting I have have been in this situation many times. One example was I use to go into the cafe near where I use to live and this gorgeous girl started working there. One day she started speaking to me and it turned out we had loads I'm common. there came a point where she probably expected me to ask for her number but I didn't and pussied out because I thought I could just go back in there again. Because of how well the interaction went and how hot she was I totally romanticised about the situation and her. This put massive pressure everytime I went into the cafe and she was there and I was always just to nervous from then on to ask her number. This happened so many times that I eventually understood the point. In an interaction with someone you have chemistry with there comes a point as a man where you have to take the initiative and lead it forward, if you don't seize the moment you basicly go back to square one, the girl with never tell you directly she wants you to ask her number you have to vibe the situation and just be a man and ask her. Once you miss that opportunity you basically rejected yourself. could the real problem be that you didn't ask for her number when out had the chance ? 

Maybe the neediness is actually related to you not putting yourself forward as a man. From here on in because you have Built it up in your mind it will be hard to get the attraction back. Take this as a lesson when you get another opportunity again like this and seize it. Grab the bull by the horns ahah. I remember I got into another situation like this with a girl and just said to myself as I was talking to her because I felt the same vibes that there is no way Im not asking her out and I did.

Btw one good way of asking a girl out is prime it half way though the convo if the vibe is there and you sense attraction. You can drop in something like say you like going out in a certain area near where she lives and its super fun ect and shed love it then change subject. Then later on in the interaction you can causally say, are you should come check it out with me sometime whats your number? 

In terms of neediness, its basically just your mind fantasies about someone that isn't real. It requires mindfulness to overcome it. You don't know this girl, she could not be right for you at all. You have to train yourself to catch you mind wondering off fantasying about her, become aware its happening and just see it for what it is. 

[Javfly33]

@Globalcollective Amazing post man, that makes a lot of sense, and lots of juicy insights there. Thank you!

[SamC]

@Javfly33

I think it is reletad to low self esteem and the thought that you don't deserve her as the man you are.

Right now you only sometimes deserve her ( when you're cool and chill or in other words when you manage to play and hide your true self.

It sounds to me that you don't feel like you deserve to assert your will ( that you want to fuck her) cause you're scared that what you are Is not enough to attract her.

[aurum]

@Javfly33

It's a good experience to have. You're gaining consciousness.

This is where the inner work comes into play.

Why are you so needy? What's the root cause?

Dig on that for a while.

[Javfly33]

7 minutes ago, aurum said:

@Javfly33

It's a good experience to have. You're gaining consciousness.

This is where the inner work comes into play.

Why are you so needy? What's the root cause?

Dig on that for a while.

@aurum It's impossible my friend.

What I experienced today, are actually the same "symptoms" that I had +7-8 years ago with a girl I used to like.

In the meanwhile, I have done some psychotherapy , lots of contemplation, introspection + quite a few times psychedelics.

The character

just

won't 

Fucking

Die

So I'm basically done with why's, roots, and etc.

I'm just going to burn approaching girls and pick up once covid wears off

And that's it 

No more feeding the character. The mere activity of "Trying to find the root cause" it's actually feeding more the problem, which is the belief that I am something that needs to be fixed. And the story of the "I" keeps going. 

18 minutes ago, SamC said:

@Javfly33

 

It sounds to me that you don't feel like you deserve to assert your will ( that you want to fuck her) cause you're scared that what you are Is not enough to attract her.

But how come when I was not needy I was behaving like an alpha???

 

 

[WonderSeeker]

1 hour ago, Javfly33 said:

The character

just

won't 

Fucking

Die

What character?

Maybe you need to meet more women. My hunch is that when your mind became concentrated on just her, and you committed to that mindset, then the pressure was on to be smooth and perfect. As @aurum said, you learned something valuable and you can use that experience for the next opportunity.  

[SamC]

2 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

 

But how come when I was not needy I was behaving like an alpha???

@Javfly33

Because behaving like an alpha is not you. That's the role you play becuase you feel like you need to play that role in order to deserve the girl.

Behind your alpha playing is a need to be approved. If you felt like you was enough,  you wouldn't even try to come of as cool and chill. You would be yourself and don't care what other people think...

But you do care what other people think and that's why you're concerned of not being alpha and that's why you're scared to assert who you really are, cause when you do - you think you will be rejected.

For that reason, you probably don't even know who you are deeply cause you self sacrifice for other people and therefor play different roles.

I have the same problem for me mate, you're not alone. I have also experienced the same thing so many times. When you play a role and succeed you know all of the sudden is pressured even more not to fail to play that role.

 

[Javfly33]

7 minutes ago, SamC said:

@Javfly33

Because behaving like an alpha is not you. That's the role you play becuase you feel like you need to play that role in order to deserve the girl.

Behind your alpha playing is a need to be approved. If you felt like you was enough,  you wouldn't even try to come of as cool and chill. You would be yourself and don't care what other people think...

But you do care what other people think and that's why you're concerned of not being alpha and that's why you're scared to assert who you really are, cause when you do - you think you will be rejected.

For that reason, you probably don't even know who you are deeply cause you self sacrifice for other people and therefor play different roles.

I have the same problem for me mate, you're not alone. I have also experienced the same thing so many times. When you play a role and succeed you know all of the sudden is pressured even more not to fail to play that role.

 

Sorry, I didn´t explained myself correctly.

The first time I did not play a role, really. That´s why she became clearly attracted.

I´m saying, after that, I actually started to put pressure on myself and neediness started to happen.

I want to go back to that 

[SamC]

3 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Sorry, I didn´t explained myself correctly.

The first time I did not play a role, really. That´s why she became clearly attracted.

I´m saying, after that, I actually started to put pressure on myself and neediness started to happen.

I want to go back to that 

@Javfly33 Investigate it further! I wasn't there so I can't know. Every single time when I have been alpha, acted cool and attracted some girl to than become super anxious however - I have been playing a role.

It's super easy to fall into the alpha Male role trap and than fail to keep up that illusion the next time you talk to the girl. What I am proposing is that the reason you put pressure on yourself was because you where scared of losing her by not being that cool chill guy ( which you desperately want to be) + neediness.

Not saying that's the case here, but it sure sounds like it. You need to draw your own conclusions though - I may be wrong, but atleast investigate if there is some substance as to what I am saying.

[Javfly33]

4 minutes ago, SamC said:

@Javfly33 not being that cool chill guy ( which you desperately want to be) + neediness.

 

Damn that was actually pretty neat @SamC

You killed me there Lol.

Yeah I´m trying to show a character of coolness.

 

[SamC]

10 minutes ago, Javfly33 said:

Damn that was actually pretty neat @SamC

You killed me there Lol.

Yeah I´m trying to show a character of coolness.

 

@Javfly33 That's my zone of genius right there - giving people direct deep insights about themselves. I am glad to help

Also.

You don't know who you are because you self sacrifice yourself for others. That's your core problem - you think you need to become something else to get what you want and need from other people ( alpha for example). Thus - you people please or in different words PLAY ROLES to get approval, love, acceptance and belonging from people who will " save you" ( neediness)

Learning ( which includes daring) to assert who you are is your next step to resolve this problem. I wish you the best of luck!

 

Edited February 3, 2021 by SamC