Psychosis developing out of severe depression

[Ensho]

So it feels like I'm developing psychosis (maybe schizophrenia) after a prolonged period of depression and anxiety, which like it's been made worse by deep meditation because I feel so ungrounded and unable to integrate my experiences. I feel my mind slipping away and thoughts are getting crazier.

The symptoms are getting debilitating and it's progressively harder to "act normal" around my partner or family. I sometimes feel like my body is almost shutting down (walking slowly and muscles seizing up). What sucks is I don't have the means to just go and live by myself, I'm dependent on other people for money which means I have to act "sane" and be able to perform work.

I'm starting therapy tomorrow but I'm not sure it will help, I have been prescribed and and considering taking an SSRI to help "stabilize" things. I guess my worst fear right now is that I'm heading for hospitalization and a life of mental illness and being managed by other people in a system that seems inept to deal with it.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting here, as it seems things are too far gone for me now, but has anyone else been in this kind of situation or similar? What helped/got you through it? Sorry if I didn't make some things clear, I'm having trouble thinking straight and struggled to type this out, but I really appreciate any replies.

Edited February 2, 2021 by Ensho

[Abdelghafar]

I feel you. I found letting go is truly helpful. If you really comprehend and master the art of "Letting Go" in a practical sense. Then you can be impregnable.

 

[Preety_India]

What are the exact symptoms that make you think that this could be psychosis (be detailed)? 

 

[Ensho]

@Preety_India Well, I'm not having any visual or audio hallucinations. But I find my mind goes into overdrive and start feeling overwhelmed. I feel like I'm trapped behind a veil watching my life, which could be described as depersonalisation/derealization more than psychosis, I suppose. Maybe extreme anxiety leading to paranoid thinking/dissociation.

I just feel like I'm on a ride that I can't get off, and it's getting worse and harder to function. I'm also getting a lot of intrusive thoughts. I feel like I'm a dead world and I can barely feel my body. My heart feels empty and numb.

Edited February 2, 2021 by Ensho

[Ensho]

@Abdelghafar thank you.

[AtheisticNonduality]

You are not psychotic. You are just seeing that the world is in emptiness but failing to see that the emptiness has a permeating loving quality, thus leading to dissociative depression.

[Ensho]

@AtheisticNonduality yes, I think you nailed it there. I can't feel or find the love in any of it. I'm wondering whether I need to dig deeper, or just stop trying to find it for a while, then maybe it will arise in its own time?

 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Ensho

[kag101]

Are you taking weed or psychedelics?

[Ensho]

@kag101 No, I smoked weed for a while in my adolescent years but it just made me paranoid. Never done psychs.

Edited February 3, 2021 by Ensho

[kag101]

25 minutes ago, Ensho said:

No, I smoked weed for a while in my adolescent years but it just made me paranoid. Never done psychs.

Good! Those substance are widely known for amplifying psychosis. 

 

Are you still meditating? 

[Ensho]

@kag101 Yes, I doubt psychs would be a good thing for me, at least at this stage in my life. I'm practicing mindfulness more than formal meditation. My mind feels burnt out from focusing too much. I feel exhausted overall, my head hurts almost constantly, like there's a ton built up pressure (that alone contributes to the suicidal thoughts ("I have to release this energy but I can't", "this is too much to handle", etc.).

[kag101]

3 minutes ago, Ensho said:

I'm practicing mindfulness more than formal meditation

what do you mean by mindfulness? you try to pay attention to the thing you're doing? 

[Jacob Morres]

i've never had this issue before but i've heard things about non dual therapists? like therapists specializing in non duality and these issues. on psychology today there are tons of therapists you can sort through (in their descriptions). what you would do is google "spirtuality therapist psychology today" and then use the search to filter by city. but most therapists do online help through zoom so city shouldn't matter so you have the whole america. and then what I do is i look in the descriptions for certain key words, or an indication that they may have some understanding/expertise in your issue 

then you can email them and call them further to see if they understand what you're going through and if you like their approach with it 

Edited February 3, 2021 by Jacob Morres

[4201]

If having a psychosis is to no longer be able to distinguish the true from the false, the real from the unreal, how do you know your psychosis is real and not just imagined?

The emptiness you feel is not a "proof" of psychosis or schizophrenia. It feels bad to believe things that are false.

Whatever you do, I highly recommend having an open mind to therapy. If you go in with the idea that it's not going to work, you might be turning that into reality by yourself.

I wish you the best. 

[Ensho]

@Jacob Morres thanks, I could look for someone like that here in the UK, or online through Zoom.

[Ensho]

@4201 Good point. I feel like I'm trapped in this loop where nothing means anything, I can't enjoy anything really so why bother even to live. But dying is pointless too and things could get better, though I'm doubtful. My girlfriend told me I never developed a strong sense of self or achieved what I wanted to, so I've gone into spirituality to solve all my problems. Maybe instead I actually need a stronger ego in a way, to restructure my life, get my financial situation sorted out.

 

Thanks for the advice on therapy, I'm going to see if it can reveal any patterns about why I have such low self-esteem and other issues.

[Michael569]

@Ensho I think your condition woulod benefit if you work on 2 fronts. 
1. work with a mental health specialist, someone open enough to spirituality and to help you unblock and deep shadows or traumas
2. secondly also work on your diet and lifestyle. Psychosis and depression can be complicated through poor diet, inflammation in the brain, lack of plants in the diet lack of physical activity etc. So getting as close to Mediterranean type of diet as possible can definitely help. Also, consider getting your vitamin D checked, there is a huge huge link to depression in deficiency. I'm also in UK and from what I've seen most people are vitamin D depleted (not deficient but completely depleted) and the diet in this country is hideous 

[ryuzaki]

I have a psychosis background and Risperidone is working great for me. It could help you with your crazy thoughts and other symptoms. I have no side effects too.

[Tal]

@Ensho

 

 

I reccomend TLC( THERAPUTIC LIFESTYLE CHANGE) for dealing with depression:

1. Omega 3 EPA 2000mg every day with meal.

2. Exercise- best aerobic every day 

3.Engaging activity/stop rumination

4. sunlight( personally recommend being in nature)

5. get quality sleep

6. social connection with loved ones

here's the book:https://www.amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without/dp/0738213888

 

you can use a psychologist also.

good luck! 

my most practical lesson I learned from the book is "Don't think, do". tell this to yourself whenever you are ruminating. You can transform, you are capable of anything! Never Give up!

 

 

[Tal]

@ryuzaki I took it and experienced vision loss, fatigue, headache so I would not recomend it.