Alpha Ego – a big but a finite game (+ few song qutoes).

[Kuba Powiertowski]

Hello Everybody?

 

I have a very human dream… I dream that “someday”, at the end of this journey we’ll sit all together with God at some fireplace in some forest, or wherever, have a bottle of good cold lager, and we’ll all laugh. Bringing back all good memories of how it was with You or You, then or then…

(“if we make it, we can all sit back and laugh” – King Crimson “Epitaph”)

But now I start again from the ground floor. Once again. After hundreds or maybe even thousands of beginnings in the past, being dragged back by ego backlash, here I go again. Now I know there’s no other way, nowhere else I can go and I need to move. Thanks to Leo’s dedication and devotion in pursuing the truth, and his amazing gift to share all his experiences and wisdom he has gained, in a very genuine, gentle but precise way it’s all WAY easier… I have no words to thank him for his job.

Anyway, I’ve found few ideas that I’ve incorporated in my work, they’ve seemed to work well for me so far, so I want to share them with You Folks. Maybe it will be helpful for some of You.

At the beginning, where I’m still in, of course, there’s fucking dark and scary. The realization of the sizes of my ego is frightening...

(“our shadows taller than our souls” – Led Zeppelin, “Stairway to Heaven)

It’s like a thick rubber balloon-like costume pumped to the maximum pressure it can hold. It feels claustrophobic. It smells like a used condom. I know. Lack of acceptance. Lack of understanding. Lack of love. But it’s not so easy, You know... Years took me to make a tiny tear to look outside to see this scary darkness. WTF am I doing? Doubtful thoughts start to grow. Then I realize that the reason I see darkness is because I keep my eyes shut. It’s so fucking scary that I fear to even open my eyes. I need to quit for a while… It’s overwhelming. I cannot do it. No way. It’s too heavy. Lots of tears. Waiting for a backlash but this time it’s not coming. Maybe later and, surely, stronger.

At last, I force myself to open my eyes and see what I saw in the past, this minefield. Set of traps, set of mazes, mazes of traps. Trickery of mind seems to be infinite and I never manage to even “walk a 5meters”...

  (“up and down, and in the end it’s only round and round” – Pink Floyd “Us and Them”)

Time out. Need a break. This is pointless. I’ll fool myself once again, gain nothing, except pain and disappointment. But time Leo’s words of Wisdom resonate from all these episodes of awakening somewhere in my head. I listen to them once again, see Leo dealing with some similar shit, we smile at each other. Is this real? Is this telepathy? Fuckin’ hell!! WOW!! Thanks, Mate! Thank You very, very much. The sort of solution appears.

I’ve been playing chess for a long time, but my next obsession started when I joined chess.com

The diamond profile, direct access to all chess openings, defenses, and strategies sucked me like a black hole. Discovering layer after layer the inner structures of the game, hours of games in quick and blitz mode with other players, and with boots were both very satisfying and very frustrating. It’s like every process You start with, whatever it is. In the beginning, you make fair quick progress, your ego pumps. Then the ladder begins. The core. You have to realize, that there are no shortcuts. Focusing on gaining points and classification leads You to nowhere. Frustration overcomes THE FUN You should have with the process itself. Its ups and downs. It will take years, thousands of hours to improve. Sometimes You’ll be losing poorly with some brilliant newbies who are classified few levels lower than You. So?? That’s THE PROCESS ITSELF.

Do You Guys notice such things as AlphaGo, AlphaGoZero, AlphaZero, or MuZero? Brilliant AI networks made by Google’s Deep Mind Team. AlphaZero took a 100 game challenge against the most powerful chess engine Stockfish. All chess Grand Masters, commentators talked then about AlphaZero superhuman chess performance, which it certainly was.

But no matter how brilliant it may look like, how brilliant it is, how complicated it may look, IT IS FINITE. Check the Shannon Number on Wikipedia. Complexity in chess goes in BIG number but it’s all finite.

That’s my point. This AlphaEgo Maze of Traps is of course much much more complicated than chess or any other game, even the game of life?. But it’s finite. As its source is. As the ego is. And dealing with ego is something like a game of chess. In some way. So I take an approach to have some more fun. Not to worry too much when it defeats me. Ok, that’s the part of the process. I start to study these traps as I study openings or defense strategies in chess. See the patterns, see the structures. Watch out for the next trick. And try to like my opponent?. 

Love You All

God Bless You (and keep this cold beer for us:)

 

 

[kag101]

5 hours ago, Kuba Powiertowski said:

Focusing on gaining points and classification leads You to nowhere. Frustration overcomes THE FUN You should have with the process itself.

??????

[Kris Kolecki]

Yea, that`s a good one! Life is but a play. Futile, if You wish only to score, but so much sweeter if You immerse yourself into the process. You like to taste the ice cream not to "have" one (or more).  Ego is finite, consciousness - infinite. So to tell one from another is "relatively" easy (go to self-inquiry meditation).  Thank God!

[blackchair]

On 02/02/2021 at 9:06 PM, Kuba Powiertowski said:

Hello Everybody?

 

I have a very human dream… I dream that “someday”, at the end of this journey we’ll sit all together with God at some fireplace in some forest, or wherever, have a bottle of good cold lager, and we’ll all laugh. Bringing back all good memories of how it was with You or You, then or then…

(“if we make it, we can all sit back and laugh” – King Crimson “Epitaph”)

 

 

this. beautiful. thank you.