Seeing the Ox and forward

[still_pulsating]

Welcome! This will be the journal of my spiritual path, which depicts progress from nothing to seeing the Ox in 3 years.

 

It all began 3 years ago, when I tried 500ug of LSD, having never experienced a psychedelic before. This was risky, considering that I have bipolar I, and taking lsd is like playing with fire. But, nevertheless, I made a leap of faith, and the trip was magnificent. The pinnacle of it was experiencing ego death.

The whole thing lasted 35 hours, and I went to work while being pummeled with awareness and seeing red-green shift + moving images which I knew were static  . Not the wisest desicion I've made, but I remember feeling awed by everything happenning around me, which was pure magic.

As that experience was fading out, it made me wonder:

- What the fuck was that?

- How can I get more of this?

- There is something more to reality than I used to think. I don't know what, but I'm gonna find out.

 

And that gave me motivation for researching this stuff. I began browsing the internet, talking to friends, and then, after some time, found three high-quality sources of information: Leo, Ken Wilber, and Alan Watts. I've started listening to Alan Watts, watching Leo's videos like crazy, have read all major works by Wilber. And, later, started regularly practicing meditation.

 

I've filled my head with all these concepts, but wasn't feeling anything from meditation practice except for a minor alteration of consciousness. Later, I came to a point where I couldn't even remember a single statement out of these teachings. This was an episode of stagnation.

 

About 2 years after I had taken LSD, I've had another peak experience. Initially, it gave me a motivation to start sitting again, and I entered a more altered state of consciousness every time, but after some time I stopped again.

 

And now, after 3 years of the journey, I have stumbled on Leo's video "Guided Exercise For Realizing You Are God". It produced a minor peak experience, and a lot of food for thought. Based on this and several other videos + memories from the past, I have built a decent general model of spirituality, and noted it down. Then meditation became blissful, and I continued the habit.

 

After some time of meditation, thought, and weed, I've had a day with 5 major peak experiences, a bag of minor ones, and a noticeable shift in baseline level of consciousness. That day I took 1 small hit around morning, and that stimulated the whole thing. After a few days, I've realized I can enchance connection with Being at will, producing a plateau-experience (prolonged and less intense version of peak experience).

 

Right now I am aiming to increase the baseline level of consciousness in everyday life. The problem is that "The power you've built up through samadhi on a meditation cushion is [...] shattered by the sights of the outside world". That is a marvellous description of one of my current problems. It is easy when you sit, or go around your room, but when there are people around, cars are passing by - it's harder.

Also, when a major peak experience hits me, I cannot fully surrender to it's intensity and grandiosity, and it closes down. These are two main vectors of practice:

- maintaining raised consciousness in everyday life

- surrendering myself to the fullest

 

For conclusion, I'd like to say that I have never, ever, thought that life could be so fulfilling, and every experience so vivid and intense. Everything is so fucking beatiful it often brings me to tears. Sometimes ordinary experiences are so intense it almost hurts. I wonder what the future will bring.

 

And thank you, Leo, for making all this possible! You are making really high quality, no-bullshit content that, at least for me, is a huge source of motivation.

[still_pulsating]

Lied down listening to Leo, and have had the most powerful experience of my life yet. The most stuff was ineffable, but I felt as like the intensity of experience has shattered the ceiling, and then, for 5-10 minutes I was experiencing a "second level". I have never heard of it, but it was there. A calm, peaceful place, with a smoother,  intensity, pulsating and giving me Love. And then I finally understood what the heck Love means!

Also, I started to catch the whole life of thoughts, from beginning to end. And being aware of that is super weird, but also extremely interesting. Maybe that was "witnessing position". Wilber had some verses on different stances, afaik.

There was also a feeling of death approaching once, and I realized that I have to give up everything. And this pretty daunting, considering how much shit ego is producing all the time.

The goals for now:

- have a deeper peak experience by letting go of ego stuff, beliefs, and, fear of death

- reach higher baseline level of awareness and plateau-experiences

- contemplate on worldcentric view, and love

Edited February 1, 2021 by still_pulsating
formatting

[still_pulsating]

TL;DR

I have had an Awakening experience, resulting in a permanent expansion of consciousness, a drastic shift in perception of reality, and awareness of constructs (ego, models, concepts). When connection is strong, desires and egoic thoughts arise and pass away with equanimity.

How it happened

I realized that in order to not "close up" when peak experience hits you, you need to:
- become aware of the experience with equanimity
- let go of resistances and fears. Ultimately, of the fear of death.

Considering the first one, the mistake was that I used to be in awe, feel the intensity as something highly positive, and try to prolong it with will and body contractions.

As for the second, man. You have to let go, dissolve all cravings, expectations, and fears. And, in the end, I have accepted my death. I have accepted that I may not feel affection towards my parents, friends, and other people ever again. I have also accepted that I may not go to the world of bliss, but to a world of indifference and equanimity. Finally, I have accepted that I may die as a result of that.

And after letting go of fear of death, intensity started going up, and up, and then... I don't remember what happened next or how much time has passed, but I emerged from it experiencing everything in a RADICALLY different way. I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams that even not full Awakening could be anything close to this.

What happens now
The main thing I want to do right now is to chill in Being - either at home or when walking in a park. Just being aware. That's what fulfills me the most. Other stuff, like making music, smalltalk with friends, working, achieving something - does not matter that much anymore. I can do it, or not. It doesn't matter.

The main source of my suffering right now is the Dark Night of the Soul. I suppose, this is a consequence of becoming aware of ego's thoughts and thought patterns. To move forward, I need to let go of the mind.

But generally, life has become more like a fluid flow. The flow gets interrupted when ego takes over, but more and more interruptions get dissolved - worries about self-image, micro-suffering, boredom, anxiety towards future.

The current practices are:
- chilling in Being
- moment-to-moment mindfulness throughout everyday life - being aware of sounds, touches, smells, emotions, pain, suffering, thoughts, thought patterns, etc.
- developing a capacity for disinterested awareness (strong Witness) - dissolving egoic cravings and desires

- introspection of self-deception mechanisms
- dissolving mental constructs - models and concepts

- not expecting anything, but also have faith in the process

Edited February 6, 2021 by still_pulsating
detalization

[still_pulsating]

Present feeling
Life feels much more effortless and fluid now. There is a sense of overall relaxation - physical and of the psyche. Much less random thoughts, and when they occur they are generally seen through and let go of.

Detailed experiences 
awakening experience happened, after which:

- feeling awoke and conscious more intensely than ever before  
- inner peace and tranquility mostly independent of circumstances  
- moment-to-moment mindfulness  
- prolonged moments of no-mind

- almost no resistance to experience  
- acceptance of life  
- almost no problems  
- less random thoughts  
- little to none anxiety  
- brain signal patterns changed (measured with Muse EEG)

What I do every day
- work  
- go for a walk  
- meditate  
- lie down and listen to music  
- read spiritual stuff, like Wilber or Streams of Wisdom  
- get peak experiences, some very weird, some very profound

Current problems
- loss of motivation for anything except connection with IAMness and Present
- sense of self is fuzzy  
- occasional boredom  
- some suffering is still present, though it's more subtle

Progress analysis  
So, based on Wilber's model of Waking up (gross, subtle, causal, nondual), I have started disidentifying with gross realm (physical world and thoughts) and starting to disidentify with the subtle (space-time) Form.

Based on Steams of Wisdom state-stages model, Awareness has gone beyond thought and personal identity.

  
Current practices
- Get into meditative state  
- Observe every experience with disinterested awareness:  
    - Observe and work with energetic contractions  
    - Observe space-time, turning it into object  
    - Observe IAMness  
    - Observe that every gross and subtle Form you experence is arising in this Vast and Open awareness (which is itself IAMness now).

[still_pulsating]

TL;DR
Had a second major awakening experience, and some time later learned to merge with the Ox and sustain this connection throughout daily activities.

Present feeling
The state is filled with equanimity, bliss, and peace. There are almost no random or emotionally charged thoughts - and they arise and pass away, like clouds in the sky. I realize that this is not the final destination, but for now this is a very peaceful and joyful way to be.

Second Awakening Experience (some time ago)
I have had a second major awakening experience. I have looked the Ox in the eye, and it was the most magnificent experience of my life. The intensity was overwhelming, but relaxing into the experience was the key to ascending.

Now comes the part where I tame it - to follow me everywhere I go, and to purify me of selfishness.

But this was a temporary experience, and the next day the Ox, although being much more tamed, was still hiding throughout engaging in daily activities.

Merging with the Ox for the first time
I have merged with the Ox - we became one. And this was fucking magnificent. Peace, wonder, shock and awe. This is so beyond words, much more than I've ever imagined it to be. When I try to become aware the Ox, I realize it's me, and the experience gets more intense.

Sustaining the unity
Today I've merged with the Ox, and been in that state since, throughout daily activities. 

The starting point is the Ox being separate. Then, I sustain awareness of the Ox, and this invokes a steady ascend towards higher state of consciousness. When it becomes so intense that it's almost unbearable, suddenly stillness occurs. After that, I look at the Ox, and I see myself.

The state of being is now inconceivably more intense, pure and luminous than I could ever imagine. This is fucking unbelievable.

Current practice
Taming the Ox is now the main direction of practice.

Another potential direction is Dzogchen.

For now, the fruits of the Ox are more than enough, but later, another type of practice may be needed.

[still_pulsating]

TL:DR

Received Dzogchen oral transmission.
Became aware of Awareness itself, which is Empty, Boundless, Vast and ever-present.
Started entering nondual state of consciousness.

Progression

Received Dzogchen oral transmission.

Turned on the music, and started ascending.

After the first plateau, there was no sense of self. I tried to sense IAMness, but in vain. This may correspond to the stage of "Self and Ox transcended".

There were 6 more, radically increasing in intensity.

Then, after focusing awareness on itself, realization came.

I have become aware of awareness itself. This realization is in fact so incredibly obvious, but, paradoxically, it's hidden in plain sight.

Very hard to speak of this.

Awareness of Awareness is now only available when things are relatively still, but it is clear that this is trainable.

Now I know what I am, and what I have always been. Empty, Vast, Open Awareness. It is indeed Nothingness. It is also not located anywhere in space.

The mind is still.

I do not experience any intense bliss, or feel an alternation of consciousness in the previous sense - this is not necessary.

This is a place of no desires, no needs, and no suffering.

This is the first fruit of Dzogchen. Now, this state of knowledge has to be explored and sustained throughout movement of Form.

This to me is the ultimate path. This is a place of true happiness, peace, and tranquility.

How do you go from realization to confidence? It's by entering into that flow of pristine awareness knowing itself, and then sustaining that.

Sustain the flow of mindfulness and awareness without distraction, without grasping.

Maturity and confidence arises as the practice continues.

Awareness is open like the clear sky. The moment I try to conceptualize or grasp it, it is contracted. But when I looked at the sky, it became clear that this Vastness is the true attribute of Awareness.

Sometimes, I get spontaneous bliss, arising from moments of clarity and equanimity.

Every experience is arising in this Emptiness.

Awareness is not located in space, much like emotions and thoughts.

There is often a strong knowledge that reality is a dream.

When you identify with Awareness, there is no suffering. Pain and pleasure are seen as the are - without labelling them as good or bad. They are just what they are. There are degrees to this knowledge state - the more you practice sustaining rigpa, the less suffering you experience.

Way to enter this state

Relax into the Vast, Empty, sky-like Awareness, which is IAMness.

Rest in IAMness without grasping or clinging.

Further investigation

Rigpa brings inner stillness, peace, equanimity, confidence, and freedom.

I am slowly starting to disidentify with the mind and body, and identify with Empty Awareness. Because I know that this is my True Self.

It is so fucking vast.

You can take as much bliss as you want from it, but it is not that desirable anymore.

When in rigpa, good and bad fade away - there is just a play of Form. Every experience is seen for what it is, without background conceptualization and labelling as good/bad.

Old egoic habits are seen through, and slowly dismantled. That includes self-image, judging, resisting and looking away, demonizing, grasping/clinging.

Every Form is, and has always been impermanent. On the other hand, Emptiness is unchanging and ever-present.

Obstacles

BUT, currently:

Awareness is still restricted by individual consciousness

There is a duality of Emptiness and Form

This state does not arise in sleep.

 

That will come later. For now everything given is more than enough, and the practice continues.

 

Dzogchen could be defined as a way to relax completely.

And this is true. This is the way to the ultimate relaxation, under all circumstances.

Pristine Awareness is much like a mirror. A mirror reflects objects, but it is not affected by them. Pristine Awareness can be aware of an infinite number of forms, and it remains unchanged.

I also realized that reality I experience is completely arbitrary.

Over the last week, when abiding in rigpa, when I am aware of thought, sight, feeling, it is seen it for what it is - a form - and it doesn't move me, because it is neither good or bad.

Glimpses of nonduality

There is an ability to see Awareness as clearly as ever before. Now its effortlessly seen as Vast, Empty and present in every experience. Also, it is clear that every Form is reflected in it.

What is different is that now, the boundary between Emptiness and Form can be dissolved. In this state, instead of awareness of form, there is just seeing/hearing/touching. There is an experience, but no experiencer. In fact, this duality is constructed by the mind, an can be stopped.

Woke up and immediately relaxed into awareness of Awareness. And then slipped into nonduality, by stopping producing duality.

Next steps

Abiding in nonduality, and seeing what happens. By now, it is rather restricted in the sense that I am one with what I currently experience, and the knowledge comes after experience. But there are further stages to this process.

The main practice is to explore nonduality, and look where it leads me.

[still_pulsating]

TL;DR

The Witness has dissolved into nonduality, leaving only experience. There is no more sense of Witness experiencing Form, only the experience itself.

There is a dramatic reduction in suffering. It is almost non-existent.

The speed of recognition of nonduality has increased. As soon as some experience happens, it is almost immediately recognized as nondual, through all six doors of senses.

It feels like falling. There is nothing permanent to cling to. But the good thing is, there is no ground

P.S. Desire to jerk off has ceased 

What happened

First prolonged nonduality experience

Got a prolonged (but temporary) experience of nonduality.

The Witness dissolves into nondual state, leaving only experience. There is no more sense of me experiencing the Form, only the experience itself.

There is a dramatic reduction in suffering in nondual state. It is almost non-existent.

You can taste the sky, just as Wilber has pointed out.

There are peace, tranquility, and joy.

When duality creeps in, there is a subtle contraction. When looking for a Witness, it is recognized, and dissolved with effort.

A walk in the park

I had a walk in the park with an intention of sustaining nondual state. As a result, there was no suffering. Although the threshold of pain level when resistance and ego start to kick in is dependant upon the degree of realization, it is clear that when pain (sensory/mental) is below it, there is no suffering.

This is the case because there is no resistance to pain or clinging to pleasure in this state. Cold, bliss, pain, beauty, ugliness. There is just experience, and it is neither good nor bad when seen as it truly is.

Moments of compassion for other beings arose, though not that strong yet. It is still hard to realize that I am not separate from other beings.

Understanding of suffering

Experience is only good or bad in relation to that with which you identify.

If you identify with the body on some level, then bodily pains (injuries, aches, tirededness) are seen as bad and bring suffering, and bodily pleasures (relaxation, sex, food) are seen as good and bring clinging, which brings desire for permanence, and thus suffering when they disappear.

If you identify with the ego, psychological pains (humiliation, fear, sadness, boredom) are bad, psychological pleasure (domination, achievement, wealth) is good.

All that is viewed as bad brings suffering, resistance, and desire to run away from it.

All that is viewed as good brings clinging and desire to prolong it when it is there, and suffering when it is no longer there.

When every experience is viewed as neither good nor bad, and viewed instead as it really is - that is True Liberation and True Freedom.

Right now, I struggle with falling back to judgement, opinions, hatred, demonizing, lust, idolising, and general ego-related stuff. But, with time, it fades away, as nonduality takes over.

Work day
I struggle with separation when:
- reading
- thinking
- speaking
- communicating

Have noticed that clinging to good or resisting the bad produces state of duality. I wonder if that recognition will lead to a more total liberation.

Intention: Be mindful, and see experience as it is, without clinging or distraction.

Going deeper

When in nonduality, every phenomena is seen to be permeated by Spirit.

More and more phenomena are recognized as nondual, faster. Though only after they have happened, yet.

The big contractions and falling back to Witness happen when I think, read, or there is a lot of movement of Form.

By reflecting on my own ignorance 3 years ago, compassion to others arises.

Intention: Sustain the flow of mindfulness and recognizing nonduality without distraction or grasping.

Nonduality breakthrough

Had a series of convulsions in the middle of a day, for around 5 minutes, and then hit a plateau of stillness.

Since then, the recognition of nonduality has become much swifter. Thoughts, sights, sounds, emotions, touches, bodily sensations, emotions, intentions, actions, pain, pleasure - virtually every phenomena is mindfully seen as nondual, and not giving birth to either clinging or desire to run away (tanha).

The state is indeed very much like a mirror.

Seeing intentions and actions as nondual is also very interesting. It is like being in tune with the flow of life.

I have fallen back to the Witness maybe 2-3 times this day. All of the rest has been recognized as nondual.

Current problems
I don't know what to do with my life except for practice. Maybe I should practice more, and see what I can do after deeper realizations.

Are other sentient beings conscious? How does their consciousness relate to mine? Can I become conscious of what they are experiencing? In what way am I not separate from them, beyond seeing, touching, smelling their bodies?

Following practice
Read books.
Abide in nonduality throughout everyday life, and see what happens.

Edited March 11, 2021 by still_pulsating
P.S.

[still_pulsating]

TL;DR

Have experienced and been sustaining rigpa, and feel that embodying it is the path to heaven.

Glimpsing the empty nature of phenomena

I have glimpsed the empty nature of phenomena, and what this means. As I understand it, emptiness states that any object or event has no inherent existence outside of your perception of it. Objects and events has no substance, no 'physicality' to them. What gives them inherent existence is the conceptual constructions of the mind.

For example, when I'm holding a cup and looking at it, the mind creates an illusion of inherent existence of the cup by conceptualizing it into a model of a material object, and everything else as "appearences". However, when this is analyzed non-conceptually, it is seen that the cup is an aggregation of phenomena, and has no inherent existence apart from you being conscious of these phenomena.

Glimpsing rigpa

After watching a few videos on Dzogchen, I have glimpsed rigpa, and been in it for about half an hour. Well, this has been deeply peaceful, relaxing, joyful and profound state, even in the first glimpse.

But still, the Ground is rather vague, and the knowledge is quite shaky.

Sustaining rigpa

Now, Ground is taking form. It is boundless, empty and luminous. Every phenomena arises in it, and passes away into it. And I've had a shocking realization that it has always been there.

Being in rigpa is peaceful, deeply relaxing and joyful. The trick with it is to relax into the recognition of the Ground/Buddha-nature, without clinging or distraction. If you try to grab it or cling to it - won't work.

There is a dramatic reduction of suffering in rigpa. I can easily see why, with deeper embodiment, all suffering and troubles will vanish.

The three main components to this realization since the last post have been:
- stabilizing recognition of nonduality
- realizing empty nature of phenomena
- Dzogchen pointing out

I feel that embodying the Ground is the path to heaven.

Practice: Sustain rigpa.

[still_pulsating]

Disclaimer: All of the previous insights were just a shadow of what's possible. But, of course, the path was true.

So, by investigating Dzogchen and practicing Trekcho and Togal, realizations came.

The most fundamental and mind-bending ones are:

- Suchness/Absolute Truth
- Non-differentiation
- Nonduality
- Imaginary, dream-like nature of reality/Emptiness of phenomena
- Reality being fully constructed by Divine force/Infinite Intelligence, right now
- You are Alone

Thanks to Leo's videos and conceptual framework built over watching them for couple of years, these facets have presented themselves as obvious aspects of Suchness and Emptiness.

When this is realized, it is such a staggering amount of Freedom that you can do and are open to literally everything. Resistance fades away, leaving you Open and Free. Physical reality, fears, desires and egoic cravings fade away.

Suchness permeates every experience, and by knowing it you no longer try to control everything, make everything as you wish, identify with thoughts as though they are you and they control what happens.

The Aloneness insight has been the most difficult yet. It is utterly unbelievable and shocking. You are literally Alone, as God.

Considering the process:
- There is always something more, something deeper. Integrating the insights and deepening them is a work of lifetime.
- By trying to grasp nonduality or trying to force it, you lose it. By letting go, relaxing and opening up, it reveals itself.
- Insight into Absolute does not extinguish the Relative. In fact, Absolute contains Relative. The process of coalescing them is a work of lifetime.

30 Facets of Enlightenment are very relevant here, because this video shows that there is more to the work than merely realizing nonduality and Suchness. There is a whole bunch of facets which can be known after, and the whole process of integrating these insights into daily life.

And, in a sense, Suchness has always been the case, so the goal of Enlightenment is to simply *being where you already are*. But you have  to recognize that which is always present, regardless of the state you're in and what phenomena you are experiencing.

Feelings:
Frankly, this has been so radical that it blew my mind out of existence. Suddenly, it all made sense! This is the way things truly are. This has been the most real thing I've experienced yet.

Next steps:
- Integrating these insights into daily life, sustaining Presence and merging the Absolite with the Relative.
  I started to notice when the Presence is lost, and in these times ego takes over. The goal is to sustain presense in all circumstances.
- Dream Yoga by means of WILD
- Reading teachings and practicing to open up more of reality, deeper.

[still_pulsating]

So, all these meditative experiences are nice, but they come and go, leaving behind nothing but faint memories.

I got into Dzogchen a while ago and recognized rigpa. This is real. Now practicing trekcho (sustaining rigpa in everyday life) and togal.

[RuthLew]

The post turned out to be interesting, I read it with pleasure. Good job

[still_pulsating]

The visions are starting to creep into  the  everyday life.

Visual  snow has amplified with trekcho and togal practice. Moreover, the visual noise in everyday life (in half-light) has become semi-structured, shimmering and sparkling. I've occasionally seen colourful checked patterns, circles and dashes.

The main theme that goes through all this as that: you have to let go. Let go of clinging to the visions. And only when you let go of the clinging and remain in natural state, they present themselves. And when they do, boy... Reality starts to dissolve.

Being in natural state regardless  of the phenomenal content is the main focus right now. Excited to see what the future brings.

[still_pulsating]

Also,  the Beauty that is here is... ineffable. I've started to appreciate the beauty and profoundness of existence much more than before.

[still_pulsating]

@RuthLew Thank you!