Seeking Outside Perspectives on Obstacles to My Potential: Live and Work Alone?

[Clarity808]

Dear Leo actualizers,

I write this because I have a burning contemplation haunting me for months that I’m wondering if I am missing a blindspot. And this contemplation is so vitally important to the evolution of human potential. Mine and others. And of the universe.

I have tried working and living alone for almost a year now and it has been this big claustrophobic/sometimes debilitating fear and low vibe feeling that has hindered my ability to work. I have so much desire to leave my house and not be there. So I have been traveling around working in my car and working at other people’s homes. Currently my solution has been to stay with this guy I’m seeing and work in his place and for whatever reason that has provided me great relief and allowed me to make serious progress with my work. I am building my own production company crafting marketing videos for businesses. 

I have so many questions around this phenomena of my feeling safe and psychologically, energetically optimized so that I can put in consistent work. Is it the circumstance? Is it in my head? Is it just biology and the natural flow of life or am I just not being tough enough? Maybe the answer a little mix of everything. But I’ve been struggling with this for almost a year now and I have such a great desire and need to actualize better that it needs to be innovated and improved. Because I am so connected to Leo and his orientation with life, because he can see from so many different perspectives and can pierce through so much bullshit, I directed my contemplations to this forum.

Is it possible to live and work alone and reach the peaks of progress I am aiming for? Or is this something that I’ve been trying to force that just isn’t right  for me? I honestly have been trying to figure this out for the last year and it is still not clear to me why its not fully working and if I’m missing something. I still wake up so many days with such a sense of dread and aloneness and have a hard time seeing all the possible realities I wish to actualize. Is it possible to work alone in a place consistently to where these little fears and sensations are not an obstacle to what you really want to do? I’ve experienced working in another person’s home where I work so effortlessly without a second thought about it. And there have been times in between my traveling that I can work in my home with total focus. But day after day? No way…haven't had a two-three day period whatsoever working in my home. Something is not right in the architecture of my work and life. 

I have this sense that the highest growth will be me building my own company developing my own skill. Crafting my own work. And that is really the only way to develop my skill in the highest. And that If I worked under anyone else my time would be restricted to develop and I would be doing their work instead of crafting my own, and would affect the kind of lifestyle I desire of making my own time and schedule as much as possible. Developing my own edge. Because you really can’t confine creative genius. And I worked for a production company where I had to be there at a certain time and wander around talking to people and I wasn’t anywhere near as productive innovative or growthful as I am now, even with the home situation. But my experience as described kicks up doubts as to whether or not this is actually something I can do. 

I listen to Leo videos about building and working hard. And I have that in me. But have not been able to do it consistently because of this fearful, dark cloud, aloneness, claustrophobia, feeling of stagnation that overcomes me in that home alone (and trust me I do all the practices to pump myself up) that I have been working with and through for nearly a year, so I promise as much as I try to mentally break through it it always comes back.

 

QUESTIONS EXPLORING THE STRUGGLE:

Is it the home? The feeling of it? But is is clean and super cute but feels just sort of dark and empty. Could it be the neighborhood? It’s a nice neighborhood in Anaheim but sometimes feels empty and depressing like lack of energy.

Is it just a depressive pattern that needs to be broken? Well I have with force broken through it some days and was like wow that was in my head. But it keeps coming back with a vengeance and some days I just don’t have the mental power to ninja it away, and sometimes I think there is legitimacy to getting out and going to be with people. Because the urge to leave is just so strong I just find the only relief I get is when I leave.

Is it because I am alone and just biologically my system thrives better in the presence of another person, one especially that I feel close to and supported by especially in the work intentions? Why this guy that for now that connects with me intellectually, spiritually, romantically, and supportive of my career intentions, feels so good to work in his home? How I work so effortlessly in his home sometimes without a second thought…what the heck is that about??? And yet I fear that such a relationship is not something to depend on long-term for my own progress.

Is it because working alone is not for me and I should re-engage my business partner that fell away? Or find a better one? That maybe that could provide me some more structure and sense of camaraderie? Or that maybe I should have more shoots more or more filmmakers of the next level to be working with? Or maybe working for another production company altogether?

Or is it just a natural human need to need to be in new places and see new peon and not want to live and work alone? Should I honor that and find a pace to live with someone nice to see if I can uplift that sense of confinement and fear? I also really enjoy looking and cleaning for and with someone. Something about it feels better.

Or should I just go do a bunch of activities and travel and see people and fill myself up socially and then I can work alone? Something about that doesn’t feel completely true, how often I feel more depressed doing activities when I know what I really want is progress. 

Because I’ve done some experimentation, and I’ve actually ben living in this guy’s home for a few days at a time. And there is no question of fear. No questions of feeling bad for the most part. I just get straight to work and get so much done and feel so all possible. What the heck? Could it be because I like the feeling of his home better? Or maybe just the sense of his presence and not being alone that puts me at ease? Maybe he provides me a sense of containment and human form and connection that otherwise I feel too disembodied alone woking on a computer in my home. That I really do prefer and enjoy cooking and cleaning for and with someone and feeling supported in their space?

 

Am I asking the right questions? Am I focused in the right and relevant way that will get me to more of that which I want: more consistent work progress and actualization? Am I overthinking it? I want solutions to figure out how to best optimize my life structure so I can plug into developing more of my highest potential and the visions I wish to bring to life with my company and my work. 

 

POTENTIAL SOLUTIONS:

For now my solution is to keep experimenting and living with this guy and see how my work flows. So far is better. And then after that maybe see about moving in? Could come with more issues. Or finding a different roommate situation that’s supportive of my intentions? Or find an apartment by myself somewhere else that feels more uplifted in a better area? Or bring on another work partner? Or just get. Job working for another company? Or just keep trying to focus past my mental fears? Or just keep more in motion and see more people do more activities maybe that will fill me up so I can be alone in that home? So many potential questions and answers I feel quite unclear what is truly happening that is preventing me form getting in as much progress as I desire and how I can better optimize and architect my life to get this. 

I need an outside perspective at this point.   This struggle and desire for better long-term solutions is literally burning inside me because I know how much potential is here and will do anything to better focus and actualize it. Thank you so much for all your work as it truly has helped me to even get to this point. 

Because I am so committed to my highest potential actualization and realization, could never tolerate mediocrity ever again, and have experienced the levels of intelligence and embodiment and breakthrough that could truly benefit more of human evolution, beyond mind-blowing to say the least. I am so incredibly excited to bring more of that next level reality more and more into my experience. How undeniably exciting it feels to be a high-level creator choosing deciding creating crafting my own life and my own skill and my own service to others and at the same time explore the nature of reality and consciousness and alter my experience, of myself and develop myself into higher stages of evolution, shifting my reality experience and re-programming my operating system. How I’ve had mind blowing weeks and days that have been out of this world different from anything I could ever imagine as far as selflessness and all-accomplishing action and creativity and experiencing myself as the universe and having different experiences of embodiment and consciousness and so much heart-wrenching love and passion and connection that feel highly authentic pure direct no thought expansive and incredibly productive and powerful versus my usual and past paradigms of being a person in a world trying to think and figure it out and bump around in the physical material surviving kind of experience. The visions, the insights, the talent, the teachings, the contemplations and meditations and then actualizations, it’s accumulating to a point of no return. Breakthroughs of creative progress. Of workflow progress. Of tremendous insights into what I want to do and how I’m going to do it and I have accomplished 8 videos in the last 4 months that have refined my storytelling and shown me what is possible for me. I want to develop my unique talent to craft an impactful story that will bring you to tears, with beautiful cinematic rhythmic footage and editing, providing companies with great missions an impactful piece of marketing. I want to work with high-end ceos making a difference in the world and tell they story with my unique style and craft. I want to also develop my art in dance videos and create powerful pieces that capture dancers authentic energy and skill. I have a high-level production company CEO mentoring me weekly that is completely in alignment with my vision of also scaling the corporate video niche and wanting to make a million dollar production company and he is giving me more shoots and I have connections to business across the nation though my main client that does leadership coaching for businesses and so the potential, the possibilities the path is all here. But now I am running up against some issues that are hindering my ability to walk that path more consistently, more deeply, more progressively that would really take the evolution of the universe to the next level.

 

Much infinite love,

Claire

 

Edited January 31, 2021 by Clarity808
I wanted to provide a little more clarity.

[aurum]

@Clarity808

I don’t like living alone and I don’t know many people who do.

Social species and all that.

Not to mention, it’s going to be challenging to actualize your vision alone. You’re going to need a strong network, even if it’s only digitally.

[Abdelghafar]

My outside perspective is that you're a normal human being who has doubts about what they want to do in life. I think all the feelings of alienation are completely normal. Don't overthink stuff, just do what you want to do. You wanna work with a partner? do so. You wanna work alone? do that. You want to mix both? by all means. You wanna get a job? great. You want your own business? marvellous. You can do anything you wanna do if you have the resources. I honestly can't advise you to do a specific potential solution which you've mentioned because that's not my life and I wouldn't presume to tell you how to live it. Just go and experience life. If you feel doubt, that's normal, if you fear failure, that's also normal. Just go fail and start from scratch, experience life. Enjoy your time with people, enjoy your time alone, be happy, be sad. Live life.

Peace & Good Luck.

Edited January 31, 2021 by Abdelghafar
Edit

[Clarity808]

@aurum @Abdelghafar Very helpful perspectives thank you. I am seeing more clearly that yes I don't do well living alone either. The network is critical you are right. Thank you so much.