Unravelling my dark side and suppressed emotions

[lmfao]

I was journaling to myself because I yesterday I spent time in a social gathering, and something felt very off. I felt negative during it…. I feel more lonely in the company of people sometimes, and that confuses me. Why am I setting myself up for failure to desire having company and then hate it? 

And I realised I had felt this feeling before as a theme throughout my life, as early as when I was 4 or 5 years old. 

Okay, so I put the pen down, sit down with myself for a bit. Just brooding and thinking about it all, what’s going on. Then I realised best tangible example or thing to investigate and look at.


I have this friend who I talk to, I’ll just call them “X” here. I enjoy talking with them about philosophy and psychology stuff. Why they’re a good example to investigate is that it shows how my mind is self-contradictory and doesn’t know what it wants and can never be happy, despite talking to this person who I vibe with. 
I realised that even though I enjoy talking to them, very often I still feel uneasy and dissatisfied. The truth is I regard this person as different and an outsider from “my tribe”, which has a population of 1, me.
I think they’re too mundane, happy and satisfied with unimportant things. I judge this person as not hardcore, and as fundamentally different from me.

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I then contemplated a fallout I had with a close online friend some time ago, although it’s not really comparable to the previous example. This online friend guy, who’ll I just label “Y” , is normie and not into any of this intellectual or intuitive psychology/philosophy or spirituality crap at all. But, it was still an example I thought 

I also thought about my old close high school friend who’s normie and boring to talk to (again, not comparable to X). I then started contemplating more generally about my entire life. 
-

And then suddenly a breakthrough. I realise, I hate and despite all people who I judge to not be on my level! I judge them all as inferior and beneath me! I need to inflict my wrath and vengeance upon them all!

As I dug deeper, I found a desire for revenge and payback. Payback for being ignored and ostracised, laughed at and ridiculed. Anger and wrath for not being accepted. A desire for mindless destruction and murder of everyone!

And I let myself just get possessed and express this all in written form to myself. Violent fantasies of wanton murder and destruction. Accompanying the spite of “I’ll shoot you all and chuck you off cliffs”, “I’ll slit your throat you stupid cu**”, there is anger of not being accepted and loved, self-hatred.

The hatred and the spite, it's juiced for a twisted sort of pleasure. For some reason, there's a sick and twisted enjoyment to negative emotions and positions, as hard as that is to believe whilst you're under the influence. But it takes honesty and humility to drop it , since you feel self righteous, indignant and  justified. And I'm yet to embody this or dig deep, I've only scratched the surface.

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And then I realised a different point. Why is it that as a society people are so averse to their dark side? Why don’t people accept themselves and accept others? Why the taboo around any of this? 

From reading this, 99% of people will get worried, scared, concerned that I’ll act up and be violent. Well I won’t! I feel quite good and friendly instead! 

It’s that false interpretation that allows “the shadow” to ever exist in the first place. Because of all these taboos, and then we suppress and hide our true selves and get miserable. 
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Fundamentally, the ego wants to kill and desecrate all enemies that disagree and disrespect it. BUT. Such intense severity is like a child temper tantrum, or an angry dog which wants to bite everyone. Almost sounds cute when you put it like that.
I'm sceptical of anyone who disagrees and I call you a liar. I accept the possibility that I'm projecting. But I'm strongly convinced that you're a liar.  

This doesn't mean that I reject perspectives around positivity which might be judged as lovey-dovey, for then I am at the equal and opposite delusion. 

Edited January 31, 2021 by lmfao

[Gesundheit]

Thanks for the interesting read! I can relate.

[kag101]

the problem with shadow work is that it is endless. when you slice one head of the hydra, two new ones appear.

[lmfao]

1 hour ago, kag101 said:

the problem with shadow work is that it is endless. when you slice one head of the hydra, two new ones appear.

Very true. As well as "tackling one problem at a time" with whatever tools one has, one's curiosity will naturally lead them trying to discover a 3rd or meta-perspective since problems seem to be endless. Easier said than done and I've yet to be/see/do. 

Edited February 3, 2021 by lmfao