I’m 100% ready for death. Anyone else feel this way?

[BipolarGrowth]

During the last half of 2020, I experienced a series of what you might call hybrid awakenings/manic episodes. The last half of that year was so chaotic, challenging, unbelievable, and amazing. I feel like I essentially experienced enough happiness and positive emotions for a lifetime if not multiple. In this way, I’m extremely satisfied with how my life has gone, but now I’m kind of at a point where I don’t see much reason to continue. It is quite clear that I will constantly be battling with my disorder for the rest of my life. I don’t see the point in going through that when life has already satisfied me.
 

I have been suicidal in the past with my most serious depressive episode occurring at the end of last year which required hospitalization and a month off of work. I just don’t see suicide as a good option as I’ll be removing myself from the lives of my family and friends. This would be a selfish decision. I just wish I would die rather soon. I can’t bring myself to make the selfish decision on my own, so I’ve just been hoping life would do it for me. 
 

Has pursuing awakening made anyone else here ready to move on? I’m just tired of being human at this point. 

[Kundalini Cataclysm]

I can't claim to have any idea of what it is like to be going through the bipolar cycles, so bear with me if I'm spewing total bs.

What came to my mind when reading your post is this: If you feel like you're fed up for your own sake, but don't really want to selfishly check out, how about working on becoming totally selfless and help others experience the levels of satisfaction that you claim to have? I myself am not at all at a point of very high selflessness, but that thought popped into my mind.

[Preety_India]

Self development is the key. 

Once you are doing it seriously, such thoughts will go away. 

 

[Blackhawk]

I'm ready for death too, but not because of enlightenment stuff.

The problem is that the body insists on surviving, even if you rationally know that suicide is the right thing to do. So life is a prison of suffering, and you don't even know how you got there. Life is so bizarre.

Edited January 31, 2021 by Blackhawk

[integral]

The thinker/dower/babbler can die any time.

[Nahm]

What about changing attitude, habits, diet, behaviors, by letting go of beliefs, misunderstandings, misidentification and misinterpretations? I was there too, but I found this to be much more satisfying. The ‘juice’ of life you might say. 

Weird now that I think back on it. Literally didn’t occur to me to try psychedelics for the suffering. So I changed a lot. My diet, relationships, attitude, perspectives, work ethic, money psychology, etc, and it worked. It worked like some kind of miracle. Just went straight into that suffering William Wallace meditation like. Direct experience & the sharing of it wise, was surprised to find the ‘manic depression’ too was just more conditioning. One more label for me from a sleeper. Psychedelics were a hell of an icing on that cake! Good times. 

[BipolarGrowth]

39 minutes ago, Nahm said:

What about changing attitude, habits, diet, behaviors, by letting go of beliefs, misunderstandings, misidentification and misinterpretations? I was there too, but I found this to be much more satisfying. The ‘juice’ of life you might say. 

Weird now that I think back on it. Literally didn’t occur to me to try psychedelics for the suffering. So I changed a lot. My diet, relationships, attitude, perspectives, work ethic, money psychology, etc, and it worked. It worked like some kind of miracle. Just went straight into that suffering William Wallace meditation like. Direct experience & the sharing of it wise, was surprised to find the ‘manic depression’ too was just more conditioning. One more label for me from a sleeper. Psychedelics were a hell of an icing on that cake! Good times. 

@Nahm Were you also diagnosed with bipolar disorder/manic depression? I’ve seen some people say that awakening has helped their bipolar symptoms or made them somehow realize it could be overcome. I’m quite skeptical of this for myself as spiritual growth tends to make things worse. 
 

The last time I took charge of my life in the manner you’re describing (changing diet, habits, exercising daily, meditating more), it triggered a manic episode requiring hospitalization. I wonder if the people claiming their bipolar disorder was helped by pursuing awakening simply did not have as severe of a case as I do. 

[BipolarGrowth]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Self development is the key. 

Once you are doing it seriously, such thoughts will go away. 

 

Pursuing self development seriously for the past eight years is precisely what got me here lol. 

[BipolarGrowth]

2 hours ago, Kundalini Cataclysm said:

I can't claim to have any idea of what it is like to be going through the bipolar cycles, so bear with me if I'm spewing total bs.

What came to my mind when reading your post is this: If you feel like you're fed up for your own sake, but don't really want to selfishly check out, how about working on becoming totally selfless and help others experience the levels of satisfaction that you claim to have? I myself am not at all at a point of very high selflessness, but that thought popped into my mind.

@Kundalini Cataclysm I like this thought. I used to be quite dedicated to this with my YouTube channel, but I’ve dropped off in regards to that in recent months. I think it is a worthwhile thing to do while I’m here though. 

[Preety_India]

13 minutes ago, BipolarGrowth said:

Pursuing self development seriously for the past eight years is precisely what got me here lol. 

If you were pursuing self development seriously, you wouldn't need 8 years. Just saying. 

Maybe you're failing at it? 

Have you thought about what's going on wrong and how to fix it? 

 

And how to fix it?

Tell me openly what went wrong for the past 8 years? 

 

Be frank.... 

 

[Nahm]

@BipolarGrowth

Were you also diagnosed with bipolar disorder/manic depression?

Speaking only from direct experience, I was clinically diagnosed with manic depression by a sleeper, and was experiencing a rather literal first-name-forgetting fragmentation, an apparent splitting of myself, very real seeming as if there were two (or more really) of me. Tried multiple therapists & pills. It was worse, like a high happy guy, and an angry maniac bouncing like a pinball between triggerings. One day I smashed a guy’s face into a wall (not proud of this just sharing) , and when I saw all that blood & that his front teeth had remained stuck in the dry wall, I thought shit man, maybe I have a problem, maybe it’s me. In hindsight, we could say I had whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’d have only been more thinking. More labeling. More identifying as what I’m not. What I didn’t have, or at least conditioning led me to believe I didn’t have, was a source of the thoughts, which was not per se, the thoughts. 

Meditated every owning, often again in the afternoon, and sometimes again at night. 

Loophole shake everyday. Did not care anymore about food. It was just life fuel. Ate for the body, not taste / pleasure. By far the biggest game changer. 

Nature solo retreats, hours and hours of meditation. 

Began inspecting the validity of every single thought that arose. 

Dove into science, led quickly to QM’s. Recognized the profundity of many paradox. Meditated, contemplated. Got very interested in getting to the bottom of reality. Organic natural curiosity and intuition filled me. Had not occurred to me what “spirituality” was, I’d lumped it into “religion”... nor to utilize psychedelics, I’d lumped it into “drugs”. I was a very ignorant fool across the board really, and yet I’d portrayed to the the world I knew so much! HA! 

 

I’ve seen some people say that awakening has helped their bipolar symptoms or made them somehow realize it could be overcome. I’m quite skeptical of this for myself as spiritual growth tends to make things worse. 
 

Speaking strictly from direct experience, I realized with absolute clarity there was no thing such as “bipolar symptoms”. It was literally just what I was thinking, my perspectives, my misunderstandings, which felt so terrible. I discovered unquestionably, absolutely, that I didn’t need help in the first place. I had no notion, thought, or concept whatsoever of “awakening”. I had no repeating thought patterns that there was “awakening”, and therefore I had no notion an “it” such as “awakening” could, would, or should, help.  I just let conditioning go. Never strived, simply let go of what didn’t feel good.

I was born into a land of confusion, ignorance, denial, and blatant hurting. Right out in the open. Like, people were proud of it. “Leaders” the most proud, the most profound, the most grandiose display of ignorance. Literally bragging about arsenals, etc. Competing to be positioned to hurt more, competing in hurt, really. Getting it deep into us, and seeking remedies to the tune of trillions. Bullets, tanks, bombs, bigger bombs aren’t the problem - just need these pills! Crazy does. 

Didn’t know what conditioning was really, until I’d let it all go. Without the conditioning, with the thought inspection I’d done, there was no longer a “myself” thought centered pattern or repetition. Just eternal silence, infinite space, awareness. Had been God all along. How funny. Made an inordinate amount of sense as to why thoughts about myself were the actual issue. Some thoughts felt bad because I was God “thinking” the thoughts. Thoughts which sucked...to God. Seems silly and obvious now. Been talking with people about this since then. Maybe thirteen or so years now. Will continue to as long I live, if you will. 

 

The last time I took charge of my life in the manner you’re describing (changing diet, habits, exercising daily, meditating more), it triggered a manic episode requiring hospitalization. I wonder if the people claiming their bipolar disorder was helped by pursuing awakening simply did not have as severe of a case as I do. 

How so?  When you say required hospitalization, in the literal, physics sense, what removed you from the cushion? I would inspect that thought, much relief and a clarity to be realized imo, just based on direct experience.  

 

[mandyjw]

I feel like I've been spending my life trying to get rid of myself. And that's the split and the original issue, I can't get rid of myself. Like Eckhart Tolle's awakening insight "I cannot live with myself anymore." Then, "What are there two of me, one that cannot live with itself?" To someone who is trying to self actualize, he knows he doesn't want to be where he is, and his hope is in the future. But sometimes you move so far away from your center or your Source that the hope for future is lost and the sense then becomes "I can't live with myself", "I want to kill myself". There have been a lot of nights post awakening that I've gone to bed and thought "I just want to fall asleep and never wake up." Also a lot of days of that I'm just so fucking grateful I could cry all day about what "I've" discovered and I feel like the possibilities could keep me living happily for thousands of lifetimes. 

Like Nahm says above so profoundly, there aren't two of you and so you cannot look back upon yourself and see yourself lacking in any way and not have it feel off. 

I've learned that none of thoughts when I feel off are worth considering. I try to remember to only pay attention to them when they feel good. Seem so simple, but I still forget and find myself where I don't want to be, (there are two of me again.)

I made this visual to help me understand how this works and to wake up when it's happening and realize when I need to disengage from thought or make a conscious effort to move my thoughts up the emotional scale closer to the center.  

It also helps to make a list of things that raise your mood, (music, web comics, comedians, walk in the sunlight, look at art, etc), make the list when you feel good. When you notice your thoughts are self referential and feel bad, refer to the list, pick a thing and do it even if you don't feel like it. 

 

[Mulky]

I've been feeling like that.  I am tired of people and also tired of being one.

[BipolarGrowth]

7 hours ago, Nahm said:

@BipolarGrowth

Were you also diagnosed with bipolar disorder/manic depression?

Speaking only from direct experience, I was clinically diagnosed with manic depression by a sleeper, and was experiencing a rather literal first-name-forgetting fragmentation, an apparent splitting of myself, very real seeming as if there were two (or more really) of me. Tried multiple therapists & pills. It was worse, like a high happy guy, and an angry maniac bouncing like a pinball between triggerings. One day I smashed a guy’s face into a wall (not proud of this just sharing) , and when I saw all that blood & that his front teeth had remained stuck in the dry wall, I thought shit man, maybe I have a problem, maybe it’s me. In hindsight, we could say I had whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’d have only been more thinking. More labeling. More identifying as what I’m not. What I didn’t have, or at least conditioning led me to believe I didn’t have, was a source of the thoughts, which was not per se, the thoughts. 

Meditated every owning, often again in the afternoon, and sometimes again at night. 

Loophole shake everyday. Did not care anymore about food. It was just life fuel. Ate for the body, not taste / pleasure. By far the biggest game changer. 

Nature solo retreats, hours and hours of meditation. 

Began inspecting the validity of every single thought that arose. 

Dove into science, led quickly to QM’s. Recognized the profundity of many paradox. Meditated, contemplated. Got very interested in getting to the bottom of reality. Organic natural curiosity and intuition filled me. Had not occurred to me what “spirituality” was, I’d lumped it into “religion”... nor to utilize psychedelics, I’d lumped it into “drugs”. I was a very ignorant fool across the board really, and yet I’d portrayed to the the world I knew so much! HA! 

 

I’ve seen some people say that awakening has helped their bipolar symptoms or made them somehow realize it could be overcome. I’m quite skeptical of this for myself as spiritual growth tends to make things worse. 
 

Speaking strictly from direct experience, I realized with absolute clarity there was no thing such as “bipolar symptoms”. It was literally just what I was thinking, my perspectives, my misunderstandings, which felt so terrible. I discovered unquestionably, absolutely, that I didn’t need help in the first place. I had no notion, thought, or concept whatsoever of “awakening”. I had no repeating thought patterns that there was “awakening”, and therefore I had no notion an “it” such as “awakening” could, would, or should, help.  I just let conditioning go. Never strived, simply let go of what didn’t feel good.

I was born into a land of confusion, ignorance, denial, and blatant hurting. Right out in the open. Like, people were proud of it. “Leaders” the most proud, the most profound, the most grandiose display of ignorance. Literally bragging about arsenals, etc. Competing to be positioned to hurt more, competing in hurt, really. Getting it deep into us, and seeking remedies to the tune of trillions. Bullets, tanks, bombs, bigger bombs aren’t the problem - just need these pills! Crazy does. 

Didn’t know what conditioning was really, until I’d let it all go. Without the conditioning, with the thought inspection I’d done, there was no longer a “myself” thought centered pattern or repetition. Just eternal silence, infinite space, awareness. Had been God all along. How funny. Made an inordinate amount of sense as to why thoughts about myself were the actual issue. Some thoughts felt bad because I was God “thinking” the thoughts. Thoughts which sucked...to God. Seems silly and obvious now. Been talking with people about this since then. Maybe thirteen or so years now. Will continue to as long I live, if you will. 

 

The last time I took charge of my life in the manner you’re describing (changing diet, habits, exercising daily, meditating more), it triggered a manic episode requiring hospitalization. I wonder if the people claiming their bipolar disorder was helped by pursuing awakening simply did not have as severe of a case as I do. 

How so?  When you say required hospitalization, in the literal, physics sense, what removed you from the cushion? I would inspect that thought, much relief and a clarity to be realized imo, just based on direct experience.  

 

@Nahm Thanks for the detailed response. I appreciate it. The symptoms I have are quite difficult to ignore or simply write off as bad thought patterns. The main problem with things is I can work my ass off to become healthier, happier, more balanced, more present, less identified with the human character, etc., but when I enter a full manic episode, I lose the majority of my control or rather have full control but what I desire to do completely changes to be in many ways almost directly opposite of what I normally would want to do in a given situation. 
 

I’ve always gone willingly when it comes to hospitalization. There are simply times when things go much too far and are damaging to my financial stability, relationships, reputation, job security, and in a few cases I become potentially dangerous to myself and others physically. It is usually after a few people close to me tell me I’m going too far that I go to the hospital. Of course, I could refuse to go to the hospital, but this would in many ways be against my best interest.  

[Nahm]

@BipolarGrowth

Yes, of course. I’m not ‘writing anything off’, just bringing the nature of what’s being written off to the surface a bit. If you wanna chat anytime let me know, I promise I’m much more gentle these days.  Text gets easily circular / ‘written off’, and really just won’t do for resolving what you’re experiencing. It is resolvable though, much more readily and easily than can be thought. Wishing you the absolute, best. ?? 

[Enlightenment]

@BipolarGrowth I've just got out a very severe depressive episode. 2 years of hell and 6 months of weaker "residual symptoms" 

I don't know how a manic episode feels like but I assume you suffer less during those times. You can learn to enter Jhana and temporarily suspend your suffering that way

[Loving Radiance]

On 31.1.2021 at 3:51 PM, Nahm said:

Didn’t know what conditioning was really, until I’d let it all go. Without the conditioning, with the thought inspection I’d done, there was no longer a “myself” thought centered pattern or repetition. Just eternal silence, infinite space, awareness. Had been God all along. How funny. Made an inordinate amount of sense as to why thoughts about myself were the actual issue. Some thoughts felt bad because I was God “thinking” the thoughts. Thoughts which sucked...to God. Seems silly and obvious now. Been talking with people about this since then.

?

[Nahm]

@Loving Radiance

Iknowright!?

[BipolarGrowth]

@Nahm I’d love to chat. What’s the best communication tool for that for you? 

[Nahm]

@BipolarGrowth

Will pm ya. ?