Can't have sex unless I'm in love

[Leo Gura]

[aurum]

5 hours ago, WonderSeeker said:

I've heard you speak about that book in other threads before. It must be pretty good

It is if you’re in the right place to receive it.

Me in my early 20s would have laughed and thrown it away.

[ivankiss]

@LessonsSavesLifes Yeah, nah... I find that whole scene quite repulsive right now.

 

8 minutes ago, aurum said:

Me in my early 20s would have laughed and thrown it away.

I'm 26 now. Might seem like it's 'too soon', but I feel like I've extracted everything I had to extract when it comes to sex. I've had quite a few partners, tried quite a few things and I feel like I just know what it's all about now. I got the message. The only thing that can take things to another level now is true love. 

[Surfingthewave]

14 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I'm disappointed in myself for getting involved with this girl that I didn't even like really - just for the purpose of busting a nut

There's your problem. You're an enlightened guy, you know what you need. 

Quote

I'm unable to just have casual sex with random girls. 

Maybe consider the girls point of view a bit more and you may meet more suitable like-minded women? 

[ivankiss]

6 minutes ago, Surfingthewave said:

Maybe consider the girls point of view a bit more 

That's a good advice. Thanks.

What I noticed is that the girls that I dated so far were not even nearly used to the amount of love that was radiating from my being. Also; being so transparent, genuine and real. 

The girl that I hooked up with the other night almost broke down in tears just because of a few things that I said and did. Being kind, warm and loving is natural to me... but I keep forgetting that not everyone is used to that. I got the feeling that her ego started melting away in my presence and she did not know what to do about it. How to act or respond. I experienced this with pretty much every girl so far, in one way or another.

So the 'mistake' I've been making - I think - is that as soon as I'd notice them becoming uncomfortable I'd turn things down a notch. In extreme cases; shut down completely, even. Hence the sense of not connecting truly.

The Devil is I. These girls are doing nothing wrong. It's just that I wanted to satisfy my sexual needs, even at the expense of shutting down my heart. I should clearly know better and not get involved with girls that are not really a match.

I tried, it didn't feel right, must reorient.

[Surfingthewave]

@ivankiss

Yes. Sounds like you're incongruent with what you really want. Perhaps think about aligning yourself with what you do want. 

17 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Being so transparent, genuine and real. 

Are you? Be careful here. And below it sounds like you are using your self awareness/enlightened beingness to get laid. 

Quote

I'd turn things down a notch.

[At awe]

On 30/01/2021 at 4:40 PM, ivankiss said:

So last night I had sex with this girl...and it was pretty bad. Empty, boring and kinda awkward.

There was no real connection. It was just flesh rubbing against flesh.

Now I'm left feeling unsatisfied and kinda dirty. I'm disappointed in myself for getting involved with this girl that I didn't even like really - just for the purpose of busting a nut. (Which I didn't. Could not cum. Was struggling to remain hard, even)

I've been contemplating a bit and came to a conclusion that I'm unable to just have casual sex with random girls. It might've worked in the past; but now I'm looking for something deeper. 

I don't want to have meaningless sex. I want to make love. I want to feel that connection. To merge with another's soul.

However; finding a partner for that is a bit more challenging than just picking up random girls. 

I ended a pretty serious relationship not that long ago. And I had this idea that I'd be single now and fool around with girls for a while. In my mind the idea seemed cool. But when it came down to actually doing it; it didn't feel right. 

I don't feel ready for a new, full-blown relationship now. And I also cannot just have random sex. So I'm guessing the only right thing to do is...to just drop it all for some time. Focus on other areas of life. 

It will most likely be challenging. I'd say I'm very sexual by nature. But I know it's the right thing to do. No sex until I fall in love with someone again. 

Curious if anyone here went through something similar?

Speaking mainly to men... but maybe even some women went through a similar transformation. Do share your experience, please.

Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Believe it or not, I’ve been like this since I can remember ? Consider it to be a big plus.

[vladorion]

Sounds like you just weren't sexually attracted to her.

[ivankiss]

@modmyth @Etherial Cat @SurfingthewaveGood points. Thanks!

9 hours ago, At awe said:

Believe it or not, I’ve been like this since I can remember ? Consider it to be a big plus.

In a way; I was too. Always preferred having a girlfriend that I loved over hooking up randomly. Still; this is not the first time that I put myself in an awkward situation just because I was...khm...desperate for pussy.

7 hours ago, vladorion said:

Sounds like you just weren't sexually attracted to her.

At some point I was. Then it all died out once we got going. I noticed I was comparing her to my ex in my mind, and that's a huge red flag. Obviously; I rushed things.

Edited February 1, 2021 by ivankiss

[WaveInTheOcean]

this thread is gold, gotta bump it-- sry mods

[Bob Seeker]

On 1/30/2021 at 10:40 AM, ivankiss said:

No sex until I fall in love with someone again. 

I wonder if this is too rigid. Maybe part of the issue is that you were trying to cover up feelings by diving back into sex. Maybe if that weren’t the case and you were genuinely horny you’d be more turned on during the sex. -just a thought worth investigating.

[ivankiss]

On 4/29/2021 at 2:09 AM, Bob Seeker said:

I wonder if this is too rigid. Maybe part of the issue is that you were trying to cover up feelings by diving back into sex. Maybe if that weren’t the case and you were genuinely horny you’d be more turned on during the sex. -just a thought worth investigating.

Definitely some truth to this, yup.

I was horny but I also rushed things. As I said; I do love sex, very much. lol. It was always a source of good feelings for me. And I wanted to feel that again.

But it quickly became obvious that things have changed since the last time I was single. I've changed. My values, boundaries and priorities got stronger and more defined.

So since @WaveInTheOcean brought the thread back to life (thanks btw!) here's a little update;

Saying 'no' to sex was harder than I thought it would be haha. I really had a pattern. An addiction even - one could say. 

So I ended up 'relapsing' pretty damn fast. I got into a 'FWB' situation. And it was as good as such a situation can be - I guess. Everything went pretty smoothly and it was some pretty damn good sex. But again; no love. Pure physicality. I did smoke some weed before we'd hook up. So that contributed to me relaxing a bit and getting more into it. Weed can make me pretty horny lol.

But anyways; even though the sex itself was good... I ended things pretty fast. It just didn't feel right - on a soul level. I really felt like I should focus completely on myself and go through this transformation with as little distraction as possible.

So that's where I am at now. No sex ?

Do I dream of pussy nearly everyday? You bet I do. But I know the work I'm doing now is much more important. And it's going to allow me to meet a much better match in the future. 

 

 

[Shin]

That's a blessing in disguise you have right there, cherish it

[ivankiss]

Long time no see, @Shin ?

Love ya too ? 

[JJfromSwitzerland]

I can totally relate to your post, at first you're excited because you think picking up women brings you joy and then you do it and you feel like it was for nothing.

[Shin]

14 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

Long time no see, @Shin ?

Love ya too ? 

I hope not, I'm not ready to see if I'm bi or not

[ivankiss]

@JJfromSwitzerland Yup. It can be hella frustrating haha.

The thing that was fascinating to me was that it happened so fast and so effortlessly, but it was so...not right. It's like God was like; 'You wanna have some empty, meaningless sex? I got you Son!' And then BAM! A nymph manifests itself in my bed.

Me: 'Yeah, this isn't what I actually want. It feels wrong...'

God: 'I know, Son. I know...'

*girl disappears* ?

@Shin No worries. I know I don't like peepees. But I sure know how to love a man ?

Edited May 2, 2021 by ivankiss

[Shin]

12 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@JJfromSwitzerland Yup. It can be hella frustrating haha.

The thing that was fascinating to me was that it happened so fast and so effortlessly, but it was so...not right. It's like God was like; 'You wanna have some empty, meaninglessness sex? I got you Son!' And then BAM! A nymph manifests itself in my bed.

Me: 'Yeah, this isn't what I actually want. It feels wrong...'

God: 'I know, Son. I know...'

*girl disappears* ?

@Shin No worries. I know I don't like peepees. But I sure know how to love a man ?

I'm in the same boat as you, had a very sexy woman in bed, not caring one bit.

I could literally feel it was pure lust and it felt so empty and shallow that I stopped pretty quickly.

I love you too

[ivankiss]

@Shin I knew you were a slick player ?

Alrighty then! Let's do this thing! 

Never thought I'd be so excited about not having sex ?

[Shin]

2 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Shin I knew you were a slick player ?

Alrighty then! Let's do this thing! 

Never thought I'd be so excited about not having sex ?

You will as soon as you meet a woman with similar interests, it shouldn't take ages since you're hot and smart 

Edited May 2, 2021 by Shin