Need immunity to my environment

[Mulky]

So I have not attended super well to my situational circumstances in life.  I have been doing jobs that allow for contemplation time but as such I have not made much money.  It came as a surprise to me that almost none of the other people working or living around me had ended up in the same place for the same reasons.  As I look around me I realize that almost everyone I interact with on a daily basis is considered mentally ill, some severally, including my schizophrenic sister who now lives with me. 

At one point, several years ago, I had found really nice inner peace and openess in my body and heart, and then started getting slammed from all directions by human insanity.  It got so bad that immense vivid  pain in my emotion started happening through exposure to almost any person, having any sort of conversation.  Then my sister moved in to avoid her being homeless, and it got ever worse.  Now I feel I have almost completely lost my way, having blocked myself up to endure the constant bombardment of the incredibly harsh energy of where I live.  I felt my inner self was ready to jump tracks, to a place that matched how I felt inside, but my circumstances didn't match up, and overwhelmed me.  

I feel very odd around my sister sometimes, and we both live in a pretty small house.  Sometimes while I try to sleep she will walk up and down the hallway outside of my door over and over again, or go in and out the front door which is also nearby over and over again.  She will not go to any kind of doctor.   I am trying to figure out if I can overcome her presence or if I need to not live with her.  Is it really like she is putting off a wierd energy that is hitting my body and making me feel wierd, or can I overcome it through acceptance or something, cause maybe the bad feeling isn't really caused by energy she is radiating but by my minds reaction.

Almost everyone I ever see in my town has a horribly ugly presence, this may sound mean but it is oddly true.  They are all completely getting their ass handed to them by life so much that they are completely asleep, most of them for generations.  I want to leave, but in order to I have to work so hard to overcome all the bad conditioning trying to force its way upon me all day.  I feel like a really nice plant that was planted in the wrong soil.  I hope someone knows what I need to do, I feel sort of hopeless right now.

[mandyjw]

You have the power to change your focus and your perspective. The magic of life is that until we change this our outer circumstances won't change, and if we force change they follow us wherever we go. Start to see others and yourself as you want to see them. You can't expect yourself to do this all of a sudden. It starts with basic self care, which means making your mood and happiness the priority. Make a list of things you really enjoy doing (they can be small things, like reading a web comic, looking at art you love, music, etc) and make a point to do three a day. Notice how you see your sister when you're in a fantastic mood. Notice how you see her differently when you're not feeling good. Notice that your sister hasn't changed but your perspective has. Train yourself even when everything seems bleak and miserable to find one thing of beauty and focus on it. I guarantee you that there is some quality in someone in your town that is worth focusing on and truly appreciating. The better your mood and the more you look out for your own mood the easier and easier it is to find these things. 

[Nahm]

@Mulky

How do you feel when you are unconditonal, in regard to your self? 

What does freedom from judging your sister (and “almost everyone in town”) feel like?

[Mulky]

@nahm it feels really great, but I have been having trouble doing that as of late, not sure why.  When i first start to fully accept my sister though, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and putting myself in danger.  Its like sure, I can accept this and that, but it's against the rules to accept my sister, I know its silly and I'm starting to get better at it.  I will accept her and let everything go, but then the next day I get this tidal wave of resistance in myself, and back and forth it goes.  

Also Mandy I appreciate your advice as well, i do agree there is quality in the people in my town, it may not be my exact vibe but they are mostly nice people who are just having a very hard time.