Finding and maintaining a relationship with a woman who 'gets it'?

[Brandon Nankivell]

I'm feeling the call to connect and build a deep relationship with a woman or women after being single for 3+ years.

I have a slight concern that there aren't many women in the dating pool who understand that traditional love is based on BS expectations. I'm also assuming that the biological wiring is deep in women such that they will want a relationship that lasts long-term, will eventually get the maternal call for kids etc.

It's no wonder Osho outright said that every couple in the world should divorce.

For those who feel they've reached a high state of consciousness and experientially understand that love is unconditional, how do you navigate the dating world or an existing relationship?

Is an open relationship or polyamorous relationship the way to go? Be single and just hang out with women and always keep expectations clear that you aren't looking for a traditional monogamous shit-storm?

Early on in taking action on this but interested in your thoughts.

[bejapuskas]

It seems to me like you just need more experience in order to know better what you want

[Preety_India]

My siblings have a traditional monogamous relationship. And they couldn't have been happier. 

So I don't understand the negativity directed at long relationship couples.. 

In fact I see many many couples who have retired as couples and are now enjoying their company in their end days and they're proud of it. 

Anyway back to the subject, if you don't like it, it's ok and you can always be upfront about it with the person you meet. Be sincere about your potential plans or lack thereof to the person who you choose to share time with. It saves a lot of time and disappointment for both sides. 

 

[Brandon Nankivell]

5 hours ago, modmyth said:

@Brandon Nankivell So you want a long term relationship without the standard commitments? Is the issue specifically with the idea of traditional love or marriage and the cultural associations with it? Is it about having kids, and a family, and "settling down"? The idea of being shackled to one person for the rest of your life?  What bothers and sets you off the most and why?

Best be open about that from the outset, but you might get women who have the expectation or desire to change your mind (mostly subconscious or not). Or they themselves might change their minds later, it's possible.

Poly is generally about having other people but also being committed to them, and an open relationship is usually about sexual variety plus the benefits of having a long term, stable relationship. In practice, it might not work out so cleanly haha.

So you want a long term relationship without the standard commitments?

My subsconscious screams YES. But upon further meditation, I feel I want both.

Is the issue specifically with the idea of traditional love or marriage and the cultural associations with it?

The issue is a relationship where love is rooted in expectation either consciously or subconsciously, like most relationships I observe.

Is it about having kids, and a family, and "settling down"?

I am not ready for kids, or having a family. But I have concerns that most women will want that soon after hopping into a committed relationship. That seems to be the story of most relationships. I don't know that for sure.

The idea of being shackled to one person for the rest of your life?

People should be together for as long as it serves them. If that's the rest of my life, then so be it. But it can get complicated when/if the idea of kids comes around, and if my potential partner doesn't embody that truth. I feel like there aren't many women out there who would also embody that truth, but it may just be my lack of 'getting out there'. I'm aware of a conscious community here in Australia that I'm considering moving closer to, gettin' involved with the kind of women who'd be on this forum.

What bothers and sets you off the most and why?

Feeling like there's nobody out there who would be okay with no kids and embodies unconditional love. Sounds silly writing this out loud. I'm making alot of assumptions.

---

Great questions.

[Preety_India]

What's your idea of unconditional love in terms of relationships and marriage? 

 

[Arcangelo]

On 1/30/2021 at 1:05 AM, Brandon Nankivell said:

Be single and just hang out with women and always keep expectations clear that you aren't looking for a traditional monogamous shit-storm?

Exactly

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, Brandon Nankivell said:

So you want a long term relationship without the standard commitments?

My subsconscious screams YES. But upon further meditation, I feel I want both.

This is a bit confusing. You say that you don't want standard commitments. At the same time you say that you want a long term relationship? 

What sort of a commitment are you looking for in a long term relationship? 

Also the survival agenda of women is just as important as that of men. 

A lot of the times it's not deep wiring but pure biological instinct that creates the need for motherhood in women. So I wouldn't blame them for that, just like a man can't be blamed for his biological need for sex. Both have needs that need to be met which are perfectly met in a monogamous relationship as long as its running smooth. 

On the other hand, if you don't want kids in the equation, you could be very clear about that part right from the get go, yet not expect the woman to accept your conditions if she has her own conditions for a relationship, she only has one lifetime to achieve the ultimate in terms of love, affection, motherhood, family and I don't think she needs to compromise on that as long as she finds suitable partners who can fulfill her lifelong needs. 

 

[bejapuskas]

Yeh I think you are making a lot of assumptions. Have you ever actually tried a poly relationship? I am confused about whether you are actually asking without the background experience or with some degree of experience...

[Brandon Nankivell]

On 31/01/2021 at 6:20 PM, Preety_India said:

This is a bit confusing. You say that you don't want standard commitments. At the same time you say that you want a long term relationship? 

What sort of a commitment are you looking for in a long term relationship? 

Also the survival agenda of women is just as important as that of men. 

A lot of the times it's not deep wiring but pure biological instinct that creates the need for motherhood in women. So I wouldn't blame them for that, just like a man can't be blamed for his biological need for sex. Both have needs that need to be met which are perfectly met in a monogamous relationship as long as its running smooth. 

On the other hand, if you don't want kids in the equation, you could be very clear about that part right from the get go, yet not expect the woman to accept your conditions if she has her own conditions for a relationship, she only has one lifetime to achieve the ultimate in terms of love, affection, motherhood, family and I don't think she needs to compromise on that as long as she finds suitable partners who can fulfill her lifelong needs. 

 

1. Welcome to my world 

2. Blame is an interesting word to use - I'd use the word acknowledge, acknowledging that that seems to be the case for women, which in my mind makes things challenging

3. Great point

[Brandon Nankivell]

12 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

Yeh I think you are making a lot of assumptions. Have you ever actually tried a poly relationship? I am confused about whether you are actually asking without the background experience or with some degree of experience...

1. Agreed

2. Very little background experience, been 3 years since I was in a committed relationship and back then I was a completely different / less developed person who didn't know my values etc.

[Brandon Nankivell]

On 31/01/2021 at 6:07 PM, Preety_India said:

What's your idea of unconditional love in terms of relationships and marriage? 

 

Unconditional love: Love without expectations.

Common expectations:

• He can't have sex with X
• He can't have emotional intimacy with X
• He should put a ring on me because of all I do for him
• I want to travel, he should come with me because he's my boyfriend
• Etc

[Leo Gura]

@Brandon Nankivell Just go date a bunch of girls and see what happens. Too much theory.

The notion that you are doing this out of unconditional love is laughable. You are a selfish devil looking for low hanging fruit under the guise of "unconditional love".

You can easily find girls who are not into kids or marriage. But they will still want some commitments from you. They are not gonna let you use them like your personal Fleshlight. They got survival needs too and you will hear them whining about it to you. So get used that.

[Emerald]

7 minutes ago, Brandon Nankivell said:

Unconditional love: Love without expectations.

Common expectations:

• He can't have sex with X
• He can't have emotional intimacy with X
• He should put a ring on me because of all I do for him
• I want to travel, he should come with me because he's my boyfriend
• Etc

There is unconditional love... but there is no such thing as unconditional relationship.

Being with someone in relationship involves a lot of logistics and boundary setting.

So, you'd need to actually test the waters and see what feels right to you AND to do this with a woman who has compatible goals for the relationship. 

There are plenty of women who are polyamorous or who are not looking for a serious commitment. In fact, I'm sure there are dating sites for people who are specifically not looking for anything too serious or who are looking for an open relationship.

But remember, there is no such thing as unconditional relationship. So, it is best to look for a partner whose conditions and relationship expectations don't clash with your conditions and relationship expectations. 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Emerald

[Preety_India]

8 minutes ago, Brandon Nankivell said:

• He can't have sex with X
• He can't have emotional intimacy with X
• He should put a ring on me because of all I do for him
• I want to travel, he should come with me because he's my boyfriend
• Etc

If you want love without these so called conditions, then your love is also  conditional love. 

Do you see it? 

Only this time the conditions have been stealthily tailored to suit you 

Unconditional love is only unconditional in the absolute sense when you want nothing in return, absolutely nothing. 

But you want something. ... Sex 

 

Edited February 2, 2021 by Preety_India

[bejapuskas]

3 hours ago, Brandon Nankivell said:

1. Agreed

2. Very little background experience, been 3 years since I was in a committed relationship and back then I was a completely different / less developed person who didn't know my values etc.

I suspect your values might have developed over those three years, but perhaps not so much in the area of relationships. I think if you only imagine things from the state of not being in a relationship, it is like imagining how to play sport vs. playing it. If you actually enter at least one relationship and get a new experience, that by itself is going to teach you way more than any response you get here. You might be overthinking this idea of relationships too much, trying to create some sort of moral code, plan or whatever without understanding what you want.

[Brandon Nankivell]

4 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

@Brandon Nankivell Just go date a bunch of girls and see what happens. Too much theory.

The notion that you are doing this out of unconditional love is laughable. You are a selfish devil looking for low hanging fruit under the guise of "unconditional love".

You can easily find girls who are not into kids or marriage. But they will still want some commitments from you. They are not gonna let you use them like your personal Fleshlight. They got survival needs too and you will hear them whining about it to you. So get used that.

As far as relationships go, this has been becoming more apparent to me over the last 36 hours.

[Brandon Nankivell]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

If you want love without these so called conditions, then your love is also  conditional love. 

Do you see it? 

Only this time the conditions have been stealthily tailored to suit you 

Unconditional love is only unconditional in the absolute sense when you want nothing in return, absolutely nothing. 

But you want something. ... Sex 

 

I do now - Glad I made this post.

[Flowerfaeiry]

Conscious partnership absolutely exists. It is rare though because so many people are after the wrong thing and get caught up in exciting feelings. But I've seen it and it's beautiful. I dont think it's a mistake to expect sex bc I mean, thats a part of a beautiful relationship, but don't make it your focus. Work on yourself enough to the point where you will attract someone at your level of desired development: ) and it is an ongoing process but I think there's a certain amount of completeness that can come from a conscious partnership. Good luck, I believe you will find the one

[Elisabeth]

There's a book called "designer relationships" which is supposed to be good, could read that. 

I don't think you know what you want from a relationship. You only know that you don't want marriage or kids (yet).

Being honest with yourself and upfront with her is always the most ethical strategy.