I am a piss poor creator ( I will not die this way)

[Thought Art]

So, I have been on this self actualization channel for a few years. Recently is has become obvious to me that, though I am doing well in a lot of ways considering where I was when I started that I am still very naive, unprofessional, ignorant and lack the skills/ skill level I need to achieve anything big in life. I have been foolish in so many ways in my life the past 2 years. So many mistakes, poor judgements and a lack of strategic planning has set me back. I feel frustrated but know I must accept reality of my situation. I was torn between making my project Youtube channel and journal coaching Thought Art and my musical project Engramn, OBC and was dealing with a lot of fear and resentment.. I also had a some media project making videos for other music artists called OBC which has some really exciting minor successes. Though, personality problems caused it to fail.

I feel sad because I want to be a powerful creator in the world I am 25 years old now, and I feel the creeping of old and age death is just around the corner. I have been cleaning up my mind and my habits over the past few years and feel I have come a long way.Not without set backs of course. But, still I am just so fucking naive it is really frustrating. I know I am smart, I am reading a lot and have watched Leos videos. However, both my parents are uneducated and I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and sometimes I feel like I am just a blind idiot stumbling around in the dark. My family has also abandoned me because they don't understand my spiritual pursuits and I think me working on myself threatens them. I also did try to change them in some ways, that never works. I guess I just wanted more love from them I never got as a kid, and honestly still have some PTSD from things that happened as a kid. I have been cleaning up a marijuana addiction (thank god what a waste) and I am thinking clearer, getting my finances in order and maintaining a really healthy set of habits. I am returning to school to study an 8 month accounting program because I think it will give me a comfortable job and a foundation for future business as I continue to develop myself to be a powerful creator.

Smoking weed chronically is antithetical to self actualizing. Clear, rational and pragmatic thinking has to be the foundation. Then the transrational stuff can we built. What in my models of reality is real? What is delusional? No one knows.

Thought Art was a channel I was using to share my journey,I was talking about e-ink tablets and other things however tonight I had this big realization as to how shitty the content quality was and I decided to delete the channel. I felt scared doing it but I think it is important. Though i was fun, and I had like 1 super fan who actually offered me money for a course I was giving on journaling....it was overall a waste of time and focus. Youtube is not worth pursuing. Also, seeing as I am not really a genius at living life I am not someone who should be giving advice. I am just really collecting as much as I can so I have a solid life long learning foundation. I feel sad in some ways letting it go. But, in life I am realizing you really can only do one thing. My mind had been jumping back and forth. I realize now that If I can't put my focus all on one thing then the products I create will suck hairy ball sack. 

Engramn is my music project, which has seen some success. I have played some Youth Showcases and festivals in my home town. Which is honestly a lot more than I ever thought possible when I started. I've made an album I am very proud of. Though I know if I want to take it to the next level there is going to have to be some big changes. I want to take my music to the next level but this ringing in my head is really scaring me. I feel trapped. I feel it in my heart that it is something I want to take to the next level and it was even my life purpose statement: To make deep insights beautiful to ignite the spirit of humanity to self actualize. I want to make music that helps guide people out of hard life situations, etc.  When I look at my heros playing like Fleet Foxes, Arcadefire, Jose Gonazlez my heart lights up and aches so badly because I know that is what I am supposed to be doing. I feel a fear because I know the universe doesn't care about me.... It feel really scary sometimes I just want to kill myself.  When I play open mics always get a lot of compliments and other artists really seem to respect my work. I love singing to people, I love creating the music and I love creating unique feelings and ideas. When I study poetry, psychology and music theory my heart lights up.  I want to be the best singer song writer in the world and contribute something the world has never experienced before. I feel this great sense of urgency and fear. I also have so many fears around being famous sometimes I feel crippled by the weight of it all. Find my music here....https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzntACYqCzlbPIE0icZ1sMw

I felt so scattered the last year, doing lots of meditation, yoga, psychedelics, reading, journaling etc. At times music seems like it would be a fruitless pursuit, and what if my tinnitus worsens? I have no hearing loss at all, but the ringing is always there... It generally doesn't go away. I had a lot of time on my hands because of the pandemic this year. I think I put a lot of time into myself, reading, listening to audiobooks, cleaning up, attending Tantric festivals. I think I was a bit foolish in my psychedelic use which created some setbacks though....  Though, I didn't put as much time into music as I have into spiritual pursuits which felt really important to me because I still had all these old traumas coming up from the past. 

Sometimes I think I will become a Qigong, Yoga Teacher... Or I will integrate Yoga, Qigong, shamanic practices and Reiki..... but really I just want to use these spritual practice to become a better singer song writer.

I just, I don't really want to do anything else but music... but then my tinnitus makes that feel like its impossible. It's all in my head. Might just have to accept it and keep putting in the work.  Also, the whole slave labour thing, the grinding nature of it all. Apparently this world owes me nothing.  What kind of loving God would create this? Like seriously if you have infinite creative potential? 

In some ways I have come further than I ever though I would, but at the same time I am honestly still a piss poor creator and my current results in life make that glaringly obvious. It is a cause of some guilt and shame, self disgust in this present moment just looking at myself. I am overall happy, and I see my potential and the growth I can have in the future. I have been a piss poor creator all my life and this will not be how I die. I will die a powerful creator, I will realize God and I will life a rational, practical, creative and spiritual life. I will not let my parents mental illness and victim mindset ruin my life like it has theres. I will not die a piss poor creator.

I still lack self trust, though it is developing over time. I love Leo's work and his content. It makes me feel like I can really figure this whole thing out. I realize that what he is teaching is some of the more hardcore and challenging things to ever figure out in life and I can congratulate myself for trying and for how far I have come. I haven't come far at all though at the same time. I want to inspire the hearts of millions of people with my song. I don't know if I will, and that scares me a lot. It won't happen as I was, the piss poor creator I have been. I will improve.

 

Question: People who are powerful creators now, how did you get that way? What challenges and lessons did you learn and overcome?

TLDR: I have been successful in some ways, but foolish and piss poor creator like in other ways. 

 

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

"I would rather be wrong,

than live in the shadows of your song

my mind is open wide

and now I am ready to start"

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[WonderSeeker]

@Thought Art It sounds like you're on the right track.  Hold on to your hunches about your secondary life purposes (e.g., being a spiritual teacher) - those visions will grow over time if you truly believe that you want that. 

I suggest that you have fun every day for the rest of your life. Nurture the fuck out of yourself, and your creative visions should automatically strengthen. Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself to preform. Aim for 75% performance each day; on your good days you'll naturally exceed that. 

Just keep on reminding yourself how AMAZING the payoffs will be. Hope this helps ~

[Leo Gura]

@Thought Art Good... those are painful but crucial lessons. Becoming a solid creator is a very humbling experience as you confront your own lack of discipline and ability.

Why do you think most people are leeches rather than great creators?

Becoming a great creation requires lots of experience and deliberate practice. So roll up them sleeves and get to work.

Quote

"If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it would not seem so wonderful at all."

-- Michelagelo

https://www.actualized.org/articles/no-growth-possible-without-training

Immerse yourself in the training process and build up momentum.

[Thought Art]

@WonderSeeker Thanks mate! It does help feeling heard.

@Leo Gura Thanks Leo. There isn't really much else to do but to create the good life. I am seeing results from the inner work I am doing. but, God it feels terrible to not be great.

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Thought Art said:

God it feels terrible to not be great.

Forget about that. Focus on the joys of the creative process.

You will never reach a state of "being great". It's a dumb idea. Drop it.

Don't try to be some great person. Just be creative and enjoy it.

[StarStruck]

You need to go of self-limiting beliefs. If you are capable of writing such a long text you don't have ADHD. I recommend schematherapy. You need to work on your self-image first before anything, so put everything like spirituality and shit on the backburner for now and concentrate on what is important.

[mandyjw]

10 hours ago, Thought Art said:

 

I still lack self trust, though it is developing over time.

 

Re-write this post, except from a perspective that is trusting yourself, looking forward and speaking about what you want, not about what you don't want or how you're judging yourself and failing yourself and working against yourself. 

Heck, reread this post now and tell me how you feel.

10 hours ago, Thought Art said:

So, I have been on this self actualization channel for a few years. Recently is has become obvious to me that, though I am doing well in a lot of ways considering where I was when I started that I am still very naive, unprofessional, ignorant and lack the skills/ skill level I need to achieve anything big in life. I have been foolish in so many ways in my life the past 2 years. So many mistakes, poor judgements and a lack of strategic planning has set me back. I feel frustrated but know I must accept reality of my situation. I was torn between making my project Youtube channel and journal coaching Thought Art and my musical project Engramn, OBC and was dealing with a lot of fear and resentment.. I also had a some media project making videos for other music artists called OBC which has some really exciting minor successes. Though, personality problems caused it to fail.

I feel sad because I want to be a powerful creator in the world I am 25 years old now, and I feel the creeping of old and age death is just around the corner. I have been cleaning up my mind and my habits over the past few years and feel I have come a long way.

 

I know I am smart, I am reading a lot and have watched Leos videos.  I am returning to school to study an 8 month accounting program because I think it will give me a comfortable job and a foundation for future business as I continue to develop myself to be a powerful creator.

 

Engramn is my music project, which has seen some success. I have played some Youth Showcases and festivals in my home town. Which is honestly a lot more than I ever thought possible when I started. I've made an album I am very proud of. Though I know if I want to take it to the next level there is going to have to be some big changes. I want to take my music to the next level but this ringing in my head is really scaring me. I feel trapped. I feel it in my heart that it is something I want to take to the next level and it was even my life purpose statement: To make deep insights beautiful to ignite the spirit of humanity to self actualize. I want to make music that helps guide people out of hard life situations, etc.  When I look at my heros playing like Fleet Foxes, Arcadefire, Jose Gonazlez my heart lights up and aches so badly because I know that is what I am supposed to be doing. I feel a fear because I know the universe doesn't care about me.... It feel really scary sometimes I just want to kill myself.  When I play open mics always get a lot of compliments and other artists really seem to respect my work. I love singing to people, I love creating the music and I love creating unique feelings and ideas. When I study poetry, psychology and music theory my heart lights up.  I want to be the best singer song writer in the world and contribute something the world has never experienced before. I feel this great sense of urgency and fear. I also have so many fears around being famous sometimes I feel crippled by the weight of it all. Find my music here....https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzntACYqCzlbPIE0icZ1sMw

I felt so scattered the last year, doing lots of meditation, yoga, psychedelics, reading, journaling etc. At times music seems like it would be a fruitless pursuit, and what if my tinnitus worsens? I have no hearing loss at all, but the ringing is always there... It generally doesn't go away. I had a lot of time on my hands because of the pandemic this year. I think I put a lot of time into myself, reading, listening to audiobooks, cleaning up, attending Tantric festivals. I think I was a bit foolish in my psychedelic use which created some setbacks though....  Though, I didn't put as much time into music as I have into spiritual pursuits which felt really important to me because I still had all these old traumas coming up from the past. 

Sometimes I think I will become a Qigong, Yoga Teacher... Or I will integrate Yoga, Qigong, shamanic practices and Reiki..... but really I just want to use these spritual practice to become a better singer song writer.

I just, I don't really want to do anything else but music... but then my tinnitus makes that feel like its impossible. It's all in my head. Might just have to accept it and keep putting in the work.  Also, the whole slave labour thing, the grinding nature of it all. Apparently this world owes me nothing.  What kind of loving God would create this? Like seriously if you have infinite creative potential? 

In some ways I have come further than I ever though I would, but at the same time I am honestly still a piss poor creator and my current results in life make that glaringly obvious. It is a cause of some guilt and shame, self disgust in this present moment just looking at myself. I am overall happy, and I see my potential and the growth I can have in the future. I have been a piss poor creator all my life and this will not be how I die. I will die a powerful creator, I will realize God and I will life a rational, practical, creative and spiritual life. I will not let my parents mental illness and victim mindset ruin my life like it has theres. I will not die a piss poor creator.

I still lack self trust, though it is developing over time. I love Leo's work and his content. It makes me feel like I can really figure this whole thing out. I realize that what he is teaching is some of the more hardcore and challenging things to ever figure out in life and I can congratulate myself for trying and for how far I have come. I haven't come far at all though at the same time. I want to inspire the hearts of millions of people with my song. I don't know if I will, and that scares me a lot. It won't happen as I was, the piss poor creator I have been. I will improve.

 

 

How did it feel to read that? Learn to speak, think and focus on what you want, not what you don't want. Not because you should, but because of how it feels. This is minimalism at it's finest. It's ok to write out the bad stuff but do it with the intention of getting it and out so you can focus on the good, on what you do want. Abraham Hicks is a powerful teaching for retraining yourself to do this. 

Edited January 29, 2021 by mandyjw

[Thought Art]

@mandyjw Thank you so much, that was really powerful to re-read. That means a lot to me. And nice channel by the way! I watched some a your videos years ago when I as forming my opinion on actualized. Great stuff! Thank you for your kindness and attention! I will keep re-reading it. Maybe even journal that out.

@StarStruck Thanks a lot. ADHD is complicated, and like autism differs from person to person. I was diagnosed when I was like 7... even a small tick sound would completely throw off my focus. Hyper sensitive nervous system. Also why I am introverted and a musician. I was diagnosed with adhd but also had some genius level apititudes from my childhood testing.... Couldn't learn to read in a classroom to much stimulus. Couldn't read till grade 4, but then jump to a grade 12 reading level in grade 4.5/5 with the aid of a tutor. As an adult I suffer from the emotion regulation elements more than not being able to focus... in fact part of ADHD is a hyperfocus at the expense of other things. I am working on my limiting beliefs. 17 years being raised by shame ridden victims has taken its toll, I am making a lot of progress. Shamanic breathing brought up a lot this week.

@Leo Gura Thank you Leo. I needed to hear everything you and others shared with me today. I think doing the Shamanic breathing, getting sober from pot, and my daily Qigong and musical practice routine brought up a deep fire on how badly I want to spread love around the world. I want to create the most beautiful creation possible, and I will remember that everything I am going through is part of the design of reality. I will persist, I will create and I will love. I will learn to be grateful for the experience I have, and become unattached to outcome, I am warrior.

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

I ordered some book list I think will help with this.

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[StarStruck]

@Thought Art good to hear that you are working on limiting beliefs. It really has to do with self-image. If there was 17 years of bad conditioning as you say, it is hard to tackle that at your own. You will be running around in circles if you don't raise your consciousness.

Edited January 29, 2021 by StarStruck

[Thought Art]

@StarStruck Aha, yeah. That is why I am here.

[Intraplanetary]

16 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I feel a fear because I know the universe doesn't care about me....

Are you out of your mind?!! The universe got your back all the time your job is to surrender to it and follow your heart. 

Continue doing spiritual work and realise that all-encompassing Love, Support and Protection 

[StarStruck]

5 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@StarStruck Aha, yeah. That is why I am here.

If you childhood was messed up like you explained and you didn't get the things you needed, you need to sort that out by somebody professional. This forum and the internet can only do so much. Have you tried therapy?

[Thought Art]

@StarStruck Yeah, I have had therapy.. not asking for therapy on the forum. I am studying shame and family systems in a lot of depth to make sense of it. All the yoga, reading, Qigong, Shamanic Breathing, Tantric festivals, journaling, therapy have gotten me pretty far. On LSD and 5meodmt I felt safe for the first time in my last summer. It really helped, and now Qigong is allowing me to do the same sober. life I still have set backs and models of reality to improve upon. It bothers me less, but there is a lot of orienting to do to become the creator I want. I posted this because I was hoping to talk to more self actualizers and get their help. Therapy is great, but not many get my drive to be of the best in the world, spirituality, God etc...

I feel like yall delivered ahah

@Intraplanetary I think when I said that I was meaning, clearly the universe can be brutal and not everyone gets everything they want. But, I am still learning. I don't want to expect to be given things. I know I have to work for it.

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[Thought Art]

 

[UNZARI]

2 hours ago, Thought Art said:

I want to create the most beautiful creation possible, and I will remember that everything I am going through is part of the design of reality. I will persist, I will create and I will love. I will learn to be grateful for the experience I have, and become unattached to outcome, I am warrior.

I know this feeling, keep going man I wish you the absolute best

[StarStruck]

35 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

@StarStruck Yeah, I have had therapy.. not asking for therapy on the forum. I am studying shame and family systems in a lot of depth to make sense of it. All the yoga, reading, Qigong, Shamanic Breathing, Tantric festivals, journaling, therapy have gotten me pretty far. On LSD and 5meodmt I felt safe for the first time in my last summer. It really helped, and now Qigong is allowing me to do the same sober. life I still have set backs and models of reality to improve upon. It bothers me less, but there is a lot of orienting to do to become the creator I want. I posted this because I was hoping to talk to more self actualizers and get their help. Therapy is great, but not many get my drive to be of the best in the world, spirituality, God etc...

I feel like yall delivered ahah

@Intraplanetary I think when I said that I was meaning, clearly the universe can be brutal and not everyone gets everything they want. But, I am still learning. I don't want to expect to be given things. I know I have to work for it.

Don't make spirituality an ego-thing. It is a trap that a lot of people fall into. No therapist needs to understand what you learned on actualized org. She is getting paid to help you with your traumas, and she won't be able to help you if you have a massive spirituality-ego.

 

Edited January 29, 2021 by StarStruck

[Thought Art]

@StarStruck I wouldn't be using all the sources at my disposal if I had a spiritual ego problem. Maybe I do as part of my ignorance. I like any human desire to be able to speak openly and be understood. 

And if I do have ego problems, traumas etc... a therapist would be useful. You don't go get a therapist who focuses and specializes on woman if you are a guy. I want the right one.

I think what I was saying to you is I see therapy as part of my larger inner work system, and one of the many tools I have at my disposal.

Edited January 29, 2021 by Thought Art

[StarStruck]

edit

Edited January 29, 2021 by StarStruck