Difficult psychedelic insight - could use help integrating!

[emenasche]

I had a guided psilocybin journey about 3 months back. During the deepest part of the trip I meditated deeply on the duality of good and evil (pleasure and pain). I imagined the war for my soul as a chess match between god and the devil. My first insight was a realization that god would always win, and that even when my fearful ego (the devil) thinks it's winning, I'm really just playing into god's hands, it's just another vehicle I've created to show myself love. But then I went a little deeper and realized that there is no chess match, that there's no distinction between god and the devil. Now I thought I finally had realized the deepest truth of the universe, but in my arrogance I fell another level down, realizing that there is no truth or untruth. I feel through the bottom a few more times. I would realize that my previously imagined duality was a myth but would quickly become attached to this new level of consciousness. Ironically I guess that these "plateaus" are tricks of the ego to imagine I have some footing in the infinite soup of nothingness.

Now, a few months later I'm still wrestling with this difficulty of "not knowing." I emotionally struggle some days and I search for rules to live my life by (eg: I just need to focus more on action, I need to feel my feelings more deeply, I need to go with the flow, I need to plan my days more, etc.) I suppose the paradox I'm struggling with is how can I both create and surrender at the same time? How can I have free will but also be at the mercy of the intentions of the universe. I know that I "am the universe" but this is very hard to remember now that I'm a few months out of this elevated state of consciousness. 

How does one live one's life simultaneously being in control and out of control of everything we do? Would appreciate some feedback, thanks!!

[mandyjw]

18 minutes ago, emenasche said:

I suppose the paradox I'm struggling with is how can I both create and surrender at the same time?

You know the dance like no one's watching cliche? Ever experienced a "dance like no one's watching" kind of moment when you were "on" or in flow or inspired? It's a sort of surrendering to a flow that's intensely creative and aware but not aware OF itself, like we are when we are concerned about our performance. 

[Forestluv]

50 minutes ago, emenasche said:

I suppose the paradox I'm struggling with is how can I both create and surrender at the same time? How can I have free will but also be at the mercy of the intentions of the universe. I know that I "am the universe" but this is very hard to remember now that I'm a few months out of this elevated state of consciousness. 

“At the mercy of the intentions of the universe” is intense imagery. It’ sounds like you got kidnapped by the Universe and are now locked in his basement at the mercy of his intentions. . . The Universe can be a cool dude. You are going to live the rest of your life with the Universe. You might as well become friends.

Another way to look at it would be co-creation between you and the Universe. An example of surrender and creation is falling asleep (surrender) and dreaming (creation). If you became aware you were dreaming, it’s a lucid dream. Being in a lucid dream and creating the dream is amazing. Yet you don’t have full control of the dream. You are co-creating with your subconscious and everything you carry from your life history. You aren’t fighting your subconscious or at it’s mercy. The two of you are One, creating the dreamscape together. If you tried to cutoff your subconscious and take full control, it’s over. You wake up and are now detached from your subconscious. 

[Tim R]

42 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

You know the dance like no one's watching cliche? Ever experienced a "dance like no one's watching" kind of moment when you were "on" or in flow or inspired? It's a sort of surrendering to a flow that's intensely creative and aware but not aware OF itself, like we are when we are concerned about our performance. 

@mandyjw That's a nice answer

 

@emenasche

1 hour ago, emenasche said:

How does one live one's life simultaneously being in control and out of control of everything we do?

Well, you're neither in control not are you being controlled/determined, so your question has no meaning

You live as you breathe. Do you control your breath? Or is it controlling itself?

Do you live your life? Or is it living itself? Both are the same of course! 

So basically you just keep living your life and drop the illusion of being in control or being controlled. Both are nothing but meaningless ideas.