I feel like I will be forever single

[Leopold]

Hi everyone, name's Eric, 25 years old. want to share my strange issue here, any opinion will be appreciated.

I am a type of person that everyone tries to be around me, I'm getting a lot of respect by almost everyone I know, I don't drink or take drugs, anyone who knows me would describe me very positively and lot of girls are also attracted to me, I get lot of Tinder matches and I can see lot of girls like me in the streets and I don't want to go on but I have lot of things that many other guys would love to have, but I still manage to make my life miserable.

I tend to isolate myself all the time, I make the life decisions that move me further away from my loved ones, I live in a foreign country now, don't even speak a local language and I don't even try to learn it, I have 0 friends in this country and I never text or call with my friends back in my country unless something is happening that needs to be discussed. I am ghosting pretty much everyone I know, I almost never text anyone on Tinder and if I do, somehow the conversation almost never begins.

The problem is that I would love to be social and have a girlfriend or just friends but I somehow act against my own will and I don't know how to fight this.

If anyone had this kind of problem I would love to hear about how did you beat it because it's already getting pathological. I used to have a pretty flatmate who was also single and I spent 4 month of the lockdown, living with her, craving for any kind of social interaction and I COULD NOT MANAGE TO TALK TO HER EVEN ONCE, while she was dropping the hints every day and I even liked her very much. I think I harmed her self esteem terribly and I also feet bad about it.

Thank you for your time

[Chew211]

You literally just need to DO the opposite of what you've been doing. 

Text your friends, learn that language, talk to chicks. 

You'll feel resistance to doing all this, and that's fine. You might do it a little, and then give into the resistance for a few days before doing it again. You just got to keep at it. 

[Nichts]

Hey Eric,

I recognize some of these tendencies in me too, although less severe.

What you're describing fits a lot of the checkboxes of the avoidant attachment style (avoiding closeness and intimacy, not relying on others for support)

I'll attach a checklist here so you can check to what extent it fits your experience:

I took it from this website which I highly recommend reading: https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/

I used to struggle a lot (and still do to some extent) with connecting with other people, socially and romantically. I tried many different things to work with this (Radical Honesty, Nonviolent Communication, Pick-up, psychedelics, visualization, meditation, etc.) and they all helped a little bit but I felt they didn't quite address the underlying issue. What really changed things around for me was learning about my attachment style, and what's behind my tendencies to pull away from others. What I realized about myself is that I actually was afraid of closeness because I expected that if I let anybody close to me, they would hurt and abandon me. I was basically putting on a band-aid before I could even get hurt; rejecting others before they could reject me. That's my experience. I don't know if that is what's going on for you. To get more clarity on what your individual sticking-points are, it might help to take a quick test to get clear on your attachment style: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/ . Although online tests are of course not super accurate, but it's better than nothing.

What I do practically to work on this is the Ideal Parent Figure protocol developed by Daniel P Brown. It's been a life-saver for me; maybe you'll find it useful too. I'll attach some links here:

Introduction to the exercises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMtS8DUmdwM

The actual exercises: https://www.integralsomaticawakening.com/resources

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Even though it might be hard to see it now, there are VERY god reasons for your behavior, and beating yourself up for it is just going to make everything worse.

Hope that helps.

[NatureB]

I was going to say it sounds like you have a dismissive attachment style (welcome to the club) but @Nichts beat me to it ?

[Leopold]

On 1/28/2021 at 4:27 AM, Chew211 said:

You literally just need to DO the opposite of what you've been doing. 

Text your friends, learn that language, talk to chicks. 

You'll feel resistance to doing all this, and that's fine. You might do it a little, and then give into the resistance for a few days before doing it again. You just got to keep at it. 

I tried but that resistance has beaten me each time.

I will do that again in the future and will try to remember what you said.

Thank you!

[Leopold]

On 1/28/2021 at 10:16 AM, Nichts said:

Hey Eric,

I recognize some of these tendencies in me too, although less severe.

What you're describing fits a lot of the checkboxes of the avoidant attachment style (avoiding closeness and intimacy, not relying on others for support)

I'll attach a checklist here so you can check to what extent it fits your experience:

I took it from this website which I highly recommend reading: https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-style/

I used to struggle a lot (and still do to some extent) with connecting with other people, socially and romantically. I tried many different things to work with this (Radical Honesty, Nonviolent Communication, Pick-up, psychedelics, visualization, meditation, etc.) and they all helped a little bit but I felt they didn't quite address the underlying issue. What really changed things around for me was learning about my attachment style, and what's behind my tendencies to pull away from others. What I realized about myself is that I actually was afraid of closeness because I expected that if I let anybody close to me, they would hurt and abandon me. I was basically putting on a band-aid before I could even get hurt; rejecting others before they could reject me. That's my experience. I don't know if that is what's going on for you. To get more clarity on what your individual sticking-points are, it might help to take a quick test to get clear on your attachment style: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/ . Although online tests are of course not super accurate, but it's better than nothing.

What I do practically to work on this is the Ideal Parent Figure protocol developed by Daniel P Brown. It's been a life-saver for me; maybe you'll find it useful too. I'll attach some links here:

Introduction to the exercises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMtS8DUmdwM

The actual exercises: https://www.integralsomaticawakening.com/resources

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Even though it might be hard to see it now, there are VERY god reasons for your behavior, and beating yourself up for it is just going to make everything worse.

Hope that helps.

Seriously, I was not expecting the effect which I am having from implementing those things. I went very deep in my past and discovered few things that were eating me alive from very deep inside. Somehow I still have not managed to do the exercise and I will force myself to do it today but what you said there, has already helped me to get free from some very bad things and I thank you for that!

You helped me a lot

[Nichts]

Glad to hear it helped. Wish you all the best! 

[NatureB]

On 1/31/2021 at 5:41 AM, Leopold said:

I tried but that resistance has beaten me each time.

I will do that again in the future and will try to remember what you said.

Thank you!

The subconscious mind controls 95%+ of behavior. If you want to change, you cannot simply will your way to change. You have to go deeper and heal the traumas that are holding you in place and that continue to drive your behaviors.

[Logan]

@Leopold It sounds like you have experienced some trauma. Were you bullied, neglected or abused as a child? Whatever the case, you have to uncover the limiting beliefs you hold about your self-worth... and about other people. Learn to transcend them:

Learn about Shadow Work. Leo has a book about it in his book list.

!Watch Leo’s video on Self-Love. 

!If you have Leo’s book list, check out the second book down in the consciousness, enlightenment & spirituality section.

Download the Duolingo app on your phone and learn the language.

Start a daily Journal and write about why you distance yourself from people and what you can do to overcome your limiting beliefs.

Read Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson if you think you need help with that dating. It also helps with socializing and being comfortable in your own skin and expressing yourself.

[Arcangelo]

4 hours ago, Peter Miklis said:

I guess there are a lot more people like us out there.

Yes me. I check ALL the boxes.

[Leopold]

On 3/7/2021 at 5:55 PM, Logan said:

@Leopold It sounds like you have experienced some trauma. Were you bullied, neglected or abused as a child? Whatever the case, you have to uncover the limiting beliefs you hold about your self-worth... and about other people. Learn to transcend them:

Learn about Shadow Work. Leo has a book about it in his book list.

!Watch Leo’s video on Self-Love. 

!If you have Leo’s book list, check out the second book down in the consciousness, enlightenment & spirituality section.

Download the Duolingo app on your phone and learn the language.

Start a daily Journal and write about why you distance yourself from people and what you can do to overcome your limiting beliefs.

Read Models: Attracting Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson if you think you need help with that dating. It also helps with socializing and being comfortable in your own skin and expressing yourself.

I will try to take those steps because it's not getting better by itself, thank you so much!

I decided several times to do a shadow work but I forgot that every time. Another way of self-sabotaging I guess. I wouldn't say I was abused as a child, but I was grown up in a family where everything was terrible and there was no love among family members whatsoever. 

[Logan]

@Leopold Sounds like you were neglected growing up.

There is such a thing as emotional abuse as well. Look into it if you think you may have experienced it

[Leopold]

On 3/20/2021 at 10:31 PM, Logan said:

@Leopold Sounds like you were neglected growing up.

There is such a thing as emotional abuse as well. Look into it if you think you may have experienced it

Thank you for your support man, I appreciate it a lot.