Porn, persistent problems & confusion

[Joshuas]

The story

I have been struggling with addictive porn behaviour for 6 years now. At times my mind is obsessed with it, but it has caused me a big pile of suffering and it affects my intimate relationship, overall mood and energy.

Two years ago I went to counseling for it, and some other issues. The other issues have been solved and although my porn usage is at a better place, it is still causes problems and suffering. There are times when I'm able to stay of it, times where I am able to manage it and times where it gets out of hand. So although at times it goes well, I feel that I'm not getting at the root of the problem. 

my mind is obsessed with it in a way, which brings me suffering — I haven't been successful in properly solving either side of that equation.

I had a meditation where sexual images came up in my mind, which I kept labelling. Eventually the images stoped and I was left with utter confusion, to the point where I was even confused with what I was confused about. It felt penetrating and persistent. Eventually that calmed down and I felt relieved.

Porn doesn't feel like a healthy form of entertainment to me, it feels like an unhealthy coping mechanism that I can't stop for coping with feelings that I don't know how to deal with. The tricky thing is that my mind is sometimes hijacked by an impulse to look up sexual things in a matter of seconds (sometimes even so suddenly that I surprise myself with it). 

How do you integrate deep feelings of confusion and struggle when those feelings so quickly trigger behaviour that numbs you from them? I feel like I can't get a proper hold of the behaviour nor the root of the issue. I'm trying, but I could use some advice. I'm not at the worst place in my life with this, but I just feel that I'm not solving the root of the issue here. 

Concrete questions

• How do you develop a healthy relationship with porn?
• How do you get a hold of behaviour that is very impulsive and hard to control?
• How to deal with persistent, penetrating feelings of confusion?
• Any advice on solving this problem?
• Is porn a problem for you? Or do you enjoy it without any issues (emotionally, sexually and in relationships)? 

[eggopm3]

If you struggle with porn addiction you really just have to cut it out of your life completely. It's as simple as that. Many people can use porn without it becoming a detrimental aspect to their lives, for some people it can even be a positive thing. But if you find that you aren't in that group of people then you pretty much have no choice but to let the habit go.

If you struggle with impulsively going to websites then install an app that restricts your use of certain websites or whatever. Put some sort of barrier between you and the porn that forces you to go "oh yeah i'm falling down this rabbit hole again" before you actually fall down the rabbit hole.

Some people will recommend a no-fap type of approach, and that can be good for some people. However I found that the pent up sexual energy would become too distracting and overwhelming if I didn't masturbate at least a few times a week. However I did set the rule for myself that if I get horny I cannot allow myself to act that impulse out in front of a screen of any kind. The connection between arousal and looking at pictures on a screen was something that needed to be decoupled in my mind.

[Joshuas]

@eggopm3

yeah I definitely agree with you, there have been some times where I didn't watch it for about two months and it was great, I felt really at ease and sex was a lot better. It always works well to live actively for me, and do different things everyday. That's a bit tricky right now with covid.

But I guess I could go for long walks and see the nature in my area a bit more, that would be good.

It has been such a thorny addiction for me. I live pretty sober for the most part (healthy diet, working to minimise distractions, spending time alone on a regular basis, working on learning art), but it feels like this bad habit has been with me all the way the past 6 years with all it's ups and downs (although there have been times where I was off it).

[Evil Raccoon]

1 hour ago, Joshuas said:

How do you develop a healthy relationship with porn?

You can't because porn is unhealthy.

Toxicity or health, take your pick.

1 hour ago, Joshuas said:

How do you get a hold of behaviour that is very impulsive and hard to control?

Watch Leo's vid titled Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause Of Every Addiction.

1 hour ago, Joshuas said:

How to deal with persistent, penetrating feelings of confusion?

By developping your intuition through mindfulness and meditation.

1 hour ago, Joshuas said:

Any advice on solving this problem?

Get rid of porn asap.

1 hour ago, Joshuas said:

Is porn a problem for you? Or do you enjoy it without any issues (emotionally, sexually and in relationships)? 

Porn was fucking up my life so I got rid of it.

Now my life's better.

[Preety_India]

8 minutes ago, Evil Raccoon said:

You can't because porn is unhealthy.

Toxicity or health, take your pick.

Watch Leo's vid titled Overcoming Addiction - The Root Cause Of Every Addiction.

By developping your intuition through mindfulness and meditation.

Get rid of porn asap.

Porn was fucking up my life so I got rid of it.

Now my life's better.

I remember one time you being very supportive of it. 

 

[Evil Raccoon]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I remember one time you being very supportive of it. 

If you send me a screen of me saying I'm pro-porn anywhere on this forum, I'll cut my dick.

[Preety_India]

Just now, Evil Raccoon said:

If you send me a screen of me saying I'm pro-porn anywhere on this forum, I'll cut my dick.

Lol. I've heard people saying "I'll cut my nose." You took it to another level. 

[Joshuas]

@dflores321 I've tried to practice mindfulness around it. Several times I came to the point of overwhelming desire and than just said 'alright, but first lets do at least 10 minutes of meditation'. It was very strange to do it after that, I suppose I should build that habit.

A lot of people give the answer of 'just cut it out' which I agree with, but in practice I'm not succeeding. It is clear to me that will power is not gonna cut it, nor will it for any addiction. I've tried tens and tens of things, but the habit is very tricky. 

Let me know how it goes for you. I can come to a good place with it every now and then, but I want to make it consistent.

[Globalcollective]

@Joshuas Hey man, I can definitely relate to your post. I have also had similar problems with porn and also sex addiction, I feel they are both linked. A game changer for me was looking into the work of Gabor Mate, his book in the realm of hungry ghosts is really good. Basically when certain a behaviour is out of control its normally entered around trauma.  You can try everything you want to try and stop the behaviour patter but if its an act because of trauma it will be very hard unless you actually look at healing the trauma itself. Its worth really looking into why you are using porn and what is it that you are trying to avoid inside by using it. 

Some really helpful steps that I took to solving this issue is 

- complete domaine and habit detox, allow the mind to fully get back to its baseline state then asses what behaviours you want to start adding in and ones you want to cut out. The problem with things like porn is it messes up your baseline emotional regulation system so your always slightly deficient if your using it a lot. 

- Start investing if you have trauma which is causing the problem. Im sure you problem are already. 

- Use mindfulness training whenever the urges come up to obsess over porn. Stay aware and allow them to come up then relate them without attaching yourself to it. 

- Write down why your behaviours towards porn is harmfully to yourself and others and put it close to your computer so you can see it anytime you might get the urge. 

- Doing meditation retreats are also very helpful in changing habits, say a 10 day vipassana is great because when you come out your clean for the time being in a way thats very hard to get to in normal world. 

- Start looking into healthy views on sex such as the multi orgasmic man or tantra ect. Models by mark Manson is quite good also. 

- and of course if you find a good quality relationship that can be a great catalyst in making you realises that using porn can mess it up and its worth avoiding. I messed up a great relationship because of my constant need for sex or porn usage and it only ended up hurting her and myself. 

Ultimately sex is good thing, porn also can be used in a healthy way, but some people can definitely start using it to cover up wounds or in destructive ways and if so that needs to be addressed first before you can start trying to see sex in a healthy way.

This can be a hard thing to over come because sex is a natural urge so it can be hard to tell the difference between a natural urge or a destructive behaviour. 

 

[Evil Raccoon]

8 hours ago, dflores321 said:

This nofap stuff is a lie

Lol.

[Evil Raccoon]

11 minutes ago, dflores321 said:

@Evil Raccoon yup, ur gonna bwust ur nut eventually. 

Speak for yourself.Sexual energy can be mastered and many people have done it.                                       

[peanutspathtotruth]

20 minutes ago, dflores321 said:

@neutralempty I'd strongly encourage taking up a spiritual practice. 

Anytime you are avoiding a behavior, you still have a relationship with it. The point is for the relationship to dissolve altogether.

That second point feels very true, it resonates with what I feel this constant relapse to be rooted in. 

I'm meditating and doing other practices for years now, and they do help, and I agree that without them it's just an escape without letting the behavior dissolve in awareness/love. Love truly is the best remedy I found for any kind of behavior

[goldpower123]

Anyone know of good ways to replace PMO and transmute sexual energy? And any recommended practices?

[Evil Raccoon]

14 hours ago, dflores321 said:

Nofap is dangerous

Lolz.

[Preety_India]

Nofap is not at all dangerous, it is good. 

Although I know too little about it. 

[Evil Raccoon]

12 hours ago, goldpower123 said:

Anyone know of good ways to replace PMO and transmute sexual energy? And any recommended practices?

Sexual desire is the most powerful desire we have therefore if you don't have a strong reason why you want to give up porn, you can kiss goodbye to NoFap.

You need to have a vision of who you want to be and what you want your life to look like.This shit has to matter to you more than ANYTHING!

Your real mission is not to quit porn but to become a more powerful version of yourself.

[Nomad13]

PMO acts as toxic drug like combo on your brain. Like any drug, your brain builds a tolerance for porn and you will need more and more. The good part is you can just decide to quit cold turkey and never look back. 

[Evil Raccoon]

58 minutes ago, neutralempty said:

Btw, the intention of no fap is not to stop if for your entire life.

 

[goldpower123]

On 28/01/2021 at 4:27 AM, Evil Raccoon said:

Sexual desire is the most powerful desire we have therefore if you don't have a strong reason why you want to give up porn, you can kiss goodbye to NoFap.

You need to have a vision of who you want to be and what you want your life to look like.This shit has to matter to you more than ANYTHING!

Your real mission is not to quit porn but to become a more powerful version of yourself.

This. This is key. It's what you are living for, you are either living for what truly matters to you or living for pleasures. Heart is the only thing that will shine through mind, in MY opinion.

[Preety_India]

On 1/27/2021 at 8:57 PM, Evil Raccoon said:

Sexual desire is the most powerful desire we have therefore if you don't have a strong reason why you want to give up porn, you can kiss goodbye to NoFap.

You need to have a vision of who you want to be and what you want your life to look like.This shit has to matter to you more than ANYTHING!

Your real mission is not to quit porn but to become a more powerful version of yourself.

Bruh, that was the best advice so far on this topic.