Considering suicide

[Dunnel]

Been meditating quite often now for a few months and the desire to off myself just keeps getting stronger and stronger. You could argue that I should take a break, but I cant even enjoy anything anymore. You could say im going through the dark night of the soul. All I do is distract myself from not killing myself, like browsing the internet all day. After I have meditated for like an hour the motivation to do it is even stronger. I know that this is the process of the whole spiritual work, but I dont even see a point for existence. Whenever I was happy, that didnt matter. It was actually a satisfying point of view. It was freedom. But now I almost need a reason for living or I dont see the purpose anymore. You guys are probably gonna reply with something that im already aware of, but usually when its get reminded im more motivated to get my shit togehter. Problem is though whenever I do try to get my shit together, I just crawl back like a fucking moron. Done this for years. 

[Preety_India]

@Dunnel hey tell me what's stopping you. 

Maybe I can offer you some help on what can be done. 

The post is kinda vague. 

Can you be more specific about your issue so I can tailor my response accordingly. 

 

[Nahm]

@Dunnel

I experienced this as well. If you would like to talk with me, know that I would like to talk with you. Have hope, have faith. Peace & clarity are never too far away. Be mindful to take note, the thought about a conversation is not the direct experience of that conversation. If you’re interested, click the link below, then click request a session. Copy & paste this thread into the request, so I can recall who it’s from. I charge for sessions, but if you can not currently afford to pay, no worries, that is ok, we can chat anyways. There is a Light at the end of this Dunnel, you will see. 

[Dunnel]

@Preety_Indiayeah so I have been suffering from OCD for most of my life. Way more uncouncious than you can imagine a normal person can be. Spent a huge chunk of my time just thinking as a matter of getting control. This would to an extent distract myself from the fact that I was depressed which is something that got more clearer when I started meditating. Ive tried for many years, but only recently has I been able to a lot more. And I have never been this miserable. This is a whole new level of terror. I can barely pay attention to what im consuming in terms of television, reading unless it actually matters to me. And now that all my activities is meaningless to me, its pretty hard to look forward to anything besides enlightnement which is inconceivable right now. I have a hard time actually feeling my emotions. It feels like im rather repressing them. Feels like im being controlled by a puppeteer. I dont really know what you can help me with. Im basically just bitching online so that people can feel sorry for me. I know that I should fix my diet, but I have huge gag problems. There are times when I can confront it and get more used to eating stuff that im dissgusted by, but other times I just get ego backlashes and go back to normal. Same goes for exersise. Been going back and forth like this for years. All I want now is peace and quiet. I dont give a shit about life purpose anymore. I basically just wanna go full eckhart and commit mental suicide. But If I cant do it mentally, might as well do it physically. I need some fire lit inside me that makes me wanna go and explore the world despite the meaninglesness of it all. Huge reason why havent yet done it is becasue I cant stand the fact that my family would have to go through my suicide. But that dosent really matter either when im dead. Im not that selfless. 

[Dunnel]

@NahmI would like to talk to you, but im not comfortable doing so when I live with other people. Dont wanna concern them too much if they hear me. 

[kras]

25 minutes ago, Dunnel said:

@Preety_Indiayeah so I have been suffering from OCD for most of my life. Way more uncouncious than you can imagine a normal person can be. 

Ok that make sense. 

I am suffering from OCD for maybe 12 years right now. I know what is like. The past 10 years i am constanlty having suicidal thoughts.

What still keeps me is hope that i will get beyond suffering one day. And also when i think about it where would i go if you commit suicede. There is nowhere to go..

[Preety_India]

@Dunnel

Suicide is not a solution. Be proactive about your situation. Reclaim your life. 

If you have OCD, talk to a doctor. 

Don't think about your OCD. It can reduce significantly if you accept it.. 

Suicide is easy. Be a hope for others. 

Live hard. You might think that nobody misses you. But millions of people miss you even if they don't know you 

Deep down we're all connected. 

I hope you take positive action. 

I've been suicidal all my life. It's not easy. I know it's not easy.. 

But I'm changing gradually one day at a time. 

 

 

[Dunnel]

@Preety_Indiafuck it. Too scared to die anyway. Thank you. I will think about what you wrote whenever I consider it again. 

Edit: just forget, just had a cringe moment. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by Dunnel
being cringe

[Nahm]

3 hours ago, Dunnel said:

@NahmI would like to talk to you, but im not comfortable doing so when I live with other people. Dont wanna concern them too much if they hear me. 

No worries. If one day you want to maybe go for a walk and chat, hmu anytime.  

I feel that I understand your response, yet, putting other peoples’ thoughts, feelings & peace of mind ahead of your own might be more of a reaction than a response. You might have learned this ‘way’ from people around you who are reluctant to inspect their own emotional reactions to discover how they are actually creating them. 

That apparent lack of comfort, likewise, might be from a misinterpretation of intelligence, as fear. That is, when I think of myself in a future situation and feel discomfort now, in the present, I might react to that feeling... and label it ‘fear’...and believe that feeling to be about the future...without stopping to inspect... what I’m thinking right now. The discomfort in feeling might be the very happiness which is ultimately & most sought-after ... the very feeling which “saying”... ‘I’m not in a future though, I’m right here, right now’. 

In the olden days, when people thought something about themself which didn’t feel good because it wasn’t actually true (you’re not actually in that ‘future’, you are here now...you’re not responsible for how someone else thinks or feels either) they had a word for that, they called it sin, or, to speak ill against the self. 

When they would get too serious, they would recognize the feeling, and would even help each other recognize this too. They would address the thoughts, and the ‘seriousness’ of the feeling, by inspecting what they were thinking...and thus they would shine the light of awareness upon themselves, or be sin-seer, and the truth never failed in setting them free. 

[NatureB]

Find a way to talk with Nahm man. He's good.

[Blackhawk]

I don't understand why everyone think that life is better than death..

[Seeker531]

Hey Dunnel, that's very sad to hear and I feel with you, but there is still hope. It might feel as if there is no way out and that it is undoable but you can do it if you take the time and build it up slowly by growing and by feeling it and a change in the way of thinking. I know that its harder done than written. Do you have a therapist and medication? Might be tough without it.

I've been there and I know how hard it is. There was a time when I had to distract myself constantly to avoid those horrible feelings and thoughts. I couldn't sleep without medication and alcohol or Marijuana. It was terrible and lead to catastrophy. But I came to a point when I realized that the only problem is avoiding these things. It's been 2 years from that time and I've grow so much that I literally have more life quality than everage people. You can't meditate them away. Start giving those feelings room during your meditation and be mindful during the day. Mindfulness was the only was that helped me to go through that even though it felt freaking horrible. Start noticing your thought patterns and repeating negative thoughts and write them down. Then replace them with a positiv. Then start using them when you have negative thoughts and repeat the positiv a few times. After you have a few positive sentences make a practice of repeating them every morning or evening. After a while those sentences will feel more and more positive and bring you into a positive mood. You have to be careful to not let your negative mood stop you from doing it. Those pattern try to stick and there will be arguements that thats bullshit. But just do it. It will take you min 4-6 months to notice differences. The negative stuff has to be felt to grow lesser and lesser every time. Nahm has good advice (thx?), didn't speak with him though.  

Don't give up. There is still the possibility to overcome those things and create something beautiful. The thing is that you have the god given power to overcome it in yourself and it would be a pity to lose this opportunity to find out how amazing you are. 

My English isn't the best but I think you've got the point. 

Warm regards

[Dunnel]

@NahmIll let you know if need to talk to you. Thank you. 

[Dunnel]

@BlackhawkIf so that is the case, what is the justification for bearing through suffering. I get that if you enjoy life that you want to keep living, but for me that has rarely been the case. So fucking pointless. 

[impulse9]

I would try escaping this type of mindset by being grateful. For anything. If you have a table, great, be grateful for that table and try to feel and meditate on this feeling of gratitude. Then move to anything else that you have that you can be grateful for, whether it's physical or otherwise. I know it sounds cliche. But it is actually very helpful. Might jolt you out of that corrosive mindset. Best of luck

[Ensho]

Hey, I can totally empathize with what you've said here. I'm there right now too... finding hope seems impossible, I never knew life could be this bleak, etc. Perhaps that alone is a sign that something equally as joyful is also possible? Don't really have any advice for you, but at least it might give some small comfort to know you're not the only one going through such a thing.

[Nahm]

16 hours ago, Dunnel said:

what is the justification for bearing through suffering

 

16 hours ago, Dunnel said:

need

Need is the justification. Want is the freedom from it. Believing you need something, you are captive to it. You’ve made the Happiness you literally are, conditionally contingent, on obtaining what you believe you need. Believing that thought, is how it remains “justified”.  Let go of the belief you need something to be happiness, for life to be better,and magically, it already it, you already Are. 

[Preety_India]

@Keyhole hey I did the key thing and when I meditated, I saw 2 words on a piece of paper on the table.. 

The words were, "Divine Understanding." 

I think that's a big sign

 

[Blackhawk]

18 hours ago, Dunnel said:

@BlackhawkIf so that is the case, what is the justification for bearing through suffering. I get that if you enjoy life that you want to keep living, but for me that has rarely been the case. So fucking pointless. 

There's 2 rational justifications I can think of:

The suffering your suicide would cause people who know you.

And the possibility that it can get better later in life. But it's of course not certain that it will get better. The chance of it getting better varies between cases.

1 hour ago, Keyhole said:

You don't have to stick around if you don't want to.  The only sorts of people who try to force suffering folks to spend year after year after year on this shithole rock, surrounded by shithole people are those who are privileged enough in some way to have something to fight for.  Look at the state of the world.  Look at how human beings treat one another.  If death is infinite love, then life is just a nightmare.

We are hardwired for survival, so folks will gaslight to keep you around, but it is so they don't feel guilt or whatever.  Idk.  I don't get it.

Do what you feel is best for you, not what society tells you is right.  If you have doubts, look into them.  If you are absolutely certain and have weighed the pros and cons, do what you gotta do for you.

Just make sure it's what you really want...

https://www.crystalinks.com/emerald13bw.html
Keys of Life and death - how to die consciously.

I will come back and edit this later, to give folks for the future the keys they need to decide if suicide is appropriate for them, and what they would need to take to have a conscious death, should they choose.  In some instances it is acceptable, but you need to be able to have a very serious talk with yourself beforehand.

I'll finish this before the end of the night - I have some info for people that can help them objectively weigh the pros and cons for themselves, how to go about it consciously, how to practice consciously, what they will expect as it is happening, what karma they might face and so on.

This post will be used as a guide for those who want to figure it out for themselves.  You would have to decide 'how', but I can give a good answer on 'should you' and how to determine this - this is something that I have been grappling with for years and years now.

Finally some truth and honesty. Nice post ? I like it.

Edited January 25, 2021 by Blackhawk

[Dunnel]

@EnshoFuck, you made me cry a little bit. Thank you, I feel less alone now.