The Challenges of Women (Not every woman okay!)

[Preety_India]

Just now, Barbara said:

@Preety_India Not shaming. I want you to thrive and realize your potential as creator. 

This is the issue, because this is what you’re focused on. It’s important to acknowledge the challenges of you environment, but in a strategic way, always thinking ahead, not getting caught on your condition, being it bad or good. 

Mobilize yourself towards what you want to create and manifest in your life. Not backwards. 

I'm not doing it to stay stuck in it. Expressing is also a way of venting out and finding an outlet instead of bottling up. It's an essential process of understanding the self better and healing, so I get your point. 

 

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

Mobilize yourself towards what you want to create and manifest in your life. Not backwards. 

Also input from people helps a ton with processing of inner thoughts, or else those thoughts remain there undiscussed. 

[mandyjw]

@Preety_India From my own experience, I think sometimes we protect ourselves from feeling and expressing the pain points of being female because we can feel other people's discomfort or disapproval when we do. So we try to pretend that we're immune, we pretend that we're cool. We laugh at jokes aimed at other women that we don't really think are funny. But we feel it, and we cover over it. And that perpetuates it. We sometimes look out for our own survival and approval from men, and skip speaking up when there is obvious inequality. Expression is good, but how you feel is the most important thing.

It seems like for the most part, women want security while men want freedom, and it seems that these two desires are at odds, but they aren't. When women feel insecure and men feel like they aren't free, then lot's of pain and hurt is caused, and yeah, the brunt of it often seems to land on the woman because of the nature of those desires. In our actual experience though, freedom and security are the same thing, and love itself. This is the saving grace of the whole thing and the only real equality that's available. 

You can't all of sudden make yourself feel better about a topic that you're really feeling off about, so allow yourself that. People often assume that we can make that jump, but we can't. We have to go through the stages of expressing frustrations before we're ready to feel a bit better, and then a bit better again about something. Not in a pretend, covering over feelings but still privately, inwardly hurt way for the convenience of a male dominated forum, but for real. But just know, because you are so loved, your TRUE security IS your freedom and it's already in your hands. Empowerment and security is nothing you need anyone to hand you, because it is already yours. But there's certainly no shame in not feeling this right now. 

 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

@Preety_India From my own experience, I think sometimes we protect ourselves from feeling and expressing the pain points of being female because we can feel other people's discomfort or disapproval when we do. So we try to pretend that we're immune, we pretend that we're cool. We laugh at jokes aimed at other women that we don't really think are funny. But we feel it, and we cover over it. And that perpetuates it. We sometimes look out for our own survival and approval from men, and skip speaking up when there is obvious inequality. Expression is good, but how you feel is the most important thing.

It seems like for the most part, women want security while men want freedom, and it seems that these two desires are at odds, but they aren't. When women feel insecure and men feel like they aren't free, then lot's of pain and hurt is caused, and yeah, the brunt of it often seems to land on the woman because of the nature of those desires. In our actual experience though, freedom and security are the same thing, and love itself. This is the saving grace of the whole thing and the only real equality that's available. 

You can't all of sudden make yourself feel better about a topic that you're really feeling off about, so allow yourself that. People often assume that we can make that jump, but we can't. We have to go through the stages of expressing frustrations before we're ready to feel a bit better, and then a bit better again about something. Not in a pretend, covering over feelings but still privately, inwardly hurt way for the convenience of a male dominated forum, but for real. But just know, because you are so loved, your TRUE security IS your freedom and it's already in your hands. Empowerment and security is nothing you need anyone to hand you, because it is already yours. But there's certainly no shame in not feeling this right now. 

 

Yea good one, appreciate a lot mandy. 

You kinda caught my pulse directly, like almost reading my mind word to word. 

[Karmadhi]

Pardon me but didn't you say you were in a happy relationship now with a good guy. Why are you frustrated? You do not have to give details of your personal life here of course but if it is about stuff from the past then honestly there is no reason to care so much about it. Especially if you did nothing wrong. We all have been hurt in the past, it is part of life. I challenge you to grow so much from anything that hurts you that in the future you will be thankful that it happened since it allowed you go grow so much.

[Karmadhi]

@Preety_India Other women are doing fine do not worry about them. Focus on yourself! If you are happy then that is all that matters. 

[Karmadhi]

@Preety_India Why so angry lol i am trying to help. 

[Preety_India]

@Karmadhi I'm cool. 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Karmadhi the thumbnail image is enough to put me off. 

You have a woman literally holding a man's leg, like wtf dude? 

Your values really have to be on another level of cringe for you to even assume this to be normal. 

Aint clicking on that kinda toxic stuff.. 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Preety_India

[knakoo]

Maybe consider the possibility that you could be deeply fulfilled even if you never become a mother, or if you become a mother but your man end up dumping you. 

Facing situations that your ego find very difficult can be opportunities to let go and find peace (speaking from personal experience).

And you obviously have trauma related to this part of your life. You will not heal until you embrace and love that part of you that is hurt.

Try to meditate for a bit, then think about all the people you love and everything you are grateful for in life. When you feel full of love, send that love to the part of you that feels vulnerable. Then cry if you feel like it  

[Karmadhi]

@Preety_India Wtf this is not the video i meant to send

Hope it is not the same video, idk weird youtube bug. The guy btw is against red pill, teaches men to treat women all and is overall very very conscious person. Even talked about spiral dynamics a few times. Do not judge a book by it's cover but in this case it was just the wrong video i sent 

[Lyubov]

13 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

It is good for the utterly self-absorbed bros in this sub-forum to read and see the world through the survival challenges of a woman. Cause most of ya'll are clueless about such things.

It helps to cure some of that whiny victim mentality about not getting laid on a dime.

Too much bro-bias around here.

But ya'll ladies are biased as fuck too in your own unique way.

Hope you're noticing the meta pattern here.

Whose team are you on?! Bros gotta stick together!!!

[andyjohnsonman]

58 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

Whose team are you on?! Bros gotta stick together!!!

oh dear

[Preety_India]

12 minutes ago, modmyth said:

@Preety_India

I think the world tends to reward women who are more calculating and can compartmentalize better than women who can't overall, at least in the short term of what kind of person you can get in a relationship, specifically when it comes to filtering for people. The tendency to project your needs and desires really strongly, especially from the start, can really cloud your vision... But this also relates to other survival issues as well. In terms of life satisfaction and the ability to appreciate what is received, and to really embody the experience of being female in the long term? Like being truly happy and embodied as a woman? Maybe not so much. That sort of emotional detachment doesn't work in your favour there IMO.

The world tends to reward calculating people who can compartmentalize well, period, men and woman. If you are soft, vulnerable, very emotional and not very selectively so, not so much. (Not just selective as in picky, but like if your perception about men is not on point from the get-go, women tend to pay the price with our physical and emotional safety. Like literally, our lives are more at risk.)

Like I myself when I was younger was able to keep the kids from the intimate relationship thing very separate because I decided early on that I didn't want kids, but once I started to open that box again to make sense of the issues that were related to it more consciously and deliberately, it was a massive struggle to sort through it. And it messed up my ability to filter. It was a shitshow, to be honest.

I guess I can relate to this feeling like I don't really have the feeling to be vulnerable and a woman just freely out in the open, like in a very trusting, innocent sort of way either now, whereas when I was younger, I was actually more cynical and thought it would have been pretty obvious that you just can't so don't bother to ever try in the first place... I have more empathy as a result though.

I think if you have a certain kind of natural submissiveness as a woman that many women seem to have and identify with on some level as being essentially female (even if it's not a super conscious thing), it makes your life very difficult. And it's so easy for your relationships to not work out in your favour, unless you live in heaven or a gilded cage.

I definitely agree that the kids issue is a complete game changer and you don't want a man who will fuck around or be unreliable and it just opens a whole bag of potentially unsolvable problems, at least from my perspective. When you feel you have to be able to rely on someone, it's hard as it opens you up to the prospect that in your neediness and desires, the other person may instinctively pull away or  Like physically for survival, you might have to rely on your partner, and for emotional survival and sustenance too, it takes so much from you. You need support. Are you just supposed to be drained perpetually as you raise kids? This is probably exponentially the case where you have had a traumatic upbringing and you know you can't rely on your family for any kind of support, and you yourself struggle to have positive examples to emulate in raising your own kids. You need even more emotional and physical stability here.

Then there are a number of guys where it's like honestly, being a single mother might be better for you as a woman despite society's judgement and survival issues because they are that much of a manchild that they don't really even contribute anything, or what they give vs. what they receive is so lopsided in their favour, or maybe even worse, they're dangerous for you and your kids. Like abusive.

The thing too is that you can think you know someone after 1-2 years, or even 5 years, possibly even longer. 1) Life changes and people do too. Lots of latent issues come out the more time you spend with someone and the more you live in close proximity with them. New dynamics which were extremely latent initially suddenly seem to come out of nowhere. The stress of life changes people. The way you yourself change and interact with people in turn changes the people you interact with the most intimately, and this can be a very hard thing to both face from an emotional standpoint but also just to see it clearly from a clear enough perspective. Like how did I help participate in making this all come to be even if I can't really actually say it was my -fault- in many cases, as in the outcome would have been impossible to anticipate based on where I was?

There is an issue that comes from identifying yourself so deeply with your relationships (or anything else really) so that it is a real struggle to gain any perspective on it. I think this probably makes issues in your relationships MUCH worse, but then on the flip side, you probably commit to your relationships more directly and fully. You're more vulnerable and open, but everything FEELS more real and means so much more in a way that wouldn't be possible otherwise, and it's also because you believe in it too. (But then all of those expectations and needs come out (especially those latent and unconscious ones), and even though it's not fair, stuff happens...)

This was so helpful modmyth, thank you for your contribution. Loved reading it. ❤️

[Leo Gura]

6 hours ago, Lyubov said:

Whose team are you on?! Bros gotta stick together!!!

If you expect me to help you defend your biases, you've come to the wrong place.

[tsuki]

@Preety_India It seems to me that you know what you want and know what you are looking for, just the right man has not approached you yet. 

I can see how current pickup situation is both destructive and constructive for men and women, but I don't deny that it's difficult for both.

Your job as a woman in this system is to screen for mature men. Not men that pretend to be mature that pretend to care for you to get laid, or pretend to be mature and deny the fact that they want to get laid. You are screening for truth, that is your job. I can see how devastating it is for you to try to fit into a biological deadline, but there is no other way. I know that you don't want advice, but I'm a man so you will have to indulge me, we give unsolicited advice sometimes. I know that you want and need the complete package, but it is not likely that you will find the complete man that is your age. Screen for men that want to be there and have the potential for it. Grow with that man, there is no other way.

Best of luck, girl.

[Preety_India]

@tsuki thank you. ❤️. I like men with maturity, competence and commitment, not those who pretend. I like sincerity in relationships because I want to build it for a lifetime. 

I don't believe in flings and short term relationships but building a marriage and children and family. 

I'm more family oriented. 

So men who don't want a serious commitment to family should really be upfront about it right from the get go and not fool the woman into believing that he wants her as a wife and then use her to get laid. That's what makes me angry and frustrated. 

Because a lot of these manipulative lie and pretend. 

My point is that whatever relationship you want, try to seek it by honest means, and don't lie or pretend to be with someone. 

Because it's difficult to know someone's intentions beforehand, it's difficult to spot a lie or pretense. 

And with the challenge of wanting a family you want someone dependable who is not lying about their intentions and is willing to put the effort to build a relationship and not lying about their commitment level. 

 

[Preety_India]

32 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Not men that pretend to be mature that pretend to care for you to get laid, or pretend to be mature and deny the fact that they want to get laid.

This was my biggest problem all along, men that pretend to be mature and pretend to care, and then they say they just wanted a temporary girlfriend, it's kinda annoying, because it's a huge waste of time. For them it doesn't feel like a waste of time, because they are used to doing this with other women and they love doing that because they get all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit.. 

But people who are looking for serious commitment get screwed up in this process. 

It's like if a committed man was with a woman and he told her that he wants to marry her, and she always finds excuses to put off marriage but she wants him as a boyfriend and he ends up feeling duped or fooled because she is not on the same page but she plays games and pretends like she really wants to be his wife, only to use him sexually or emotionally,giving him a false hope for the future.. 

The best advice here is to not waste someone's time with lies and pretense. 

To be honest right away once you reach the committment stage. 

The problem with such commitment phobic men is that they want the girl but they don't want the commitment part of it. 

Like with my second ex, I asked him why he didn't tell me that he wasn't planning on creating a family and he told me that if he said that, he would lose me. 

I cut off with him because of commitment issues 

Sooner or later the relationship ends but it leaves a trail of disappointment, mistrust, loss of time, confusion, waste of time and energy and age. 

I had a guy approach me online a couple of months ago and I started to sense that he was a fuckboy so I fired a lot of questions at him and then he told me that he had a girlfriend for 5 years and now he was looking for another one.. And I asked him what did he mean. After a lot of coaxing, he finally said that he simply wanted a girlfriend for another 3 or 5 years, he never wanted marriage and I told him it was wrong for him to not make his intentions clear to women that he approached. At some point in the relationship a person needs to be clear about what they want in it, why they're in it and their lack of sincerity can cause a lot of pain and hurt and loss. 

 

Edited January 26, 2021 by Preety_India

[tsuki]

7 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I don't believe in flings and short term relationships but building a marriage and children and family. 

I'm more family oriented. 

So men who don't want a serious commitment to family should really be upfront about it right from the get go and not fool the woman into believing that he wants her as a wife and then use her to get laid. That's what makes me angry and frustrated. 

If you present it this way, you will scare most men away. It takes a lot of contemplation for a man to see the value in being in a committed relationship. See, the struggles that you posted are revolving around a single topic: being a mother and having a family. At the risk of sounding rude, I will say, that this is both a gift and a curse of women. You nailed the curse part pretty well, so I will highlight some of the upsides that we men don't have, that will hopefully tie back to the point that I'm trying to make.

Having children is your birthright, it is the meaning of life you can always fall back on if everything else fails. I am not denying that it's hard work, what I'm pointing towards is that this is something that you are nurtured into cherishing. Men have no such thing. If we find no purpose of our own, we're purpose-less, aimless, depressed and miserable. Finding your purpose is probably the most challenging thing a man can do. I believe this is why most brands of spirituality are male-oriented, because men have the drive to discover themselves simply because we have no other choice. It's either that or we're dead. The alternative is to fool around, run the hedonistic treadmill, accumulate wealth, power, status and fame, but this ultimately gives us no fulfillment. We have more possibility of expressing ourselves, but if there is no self to express, then it is ultimately pointless.

The true purpose of a committed relationship for a man is not to have children like a woman has. A man that has spent a considerable amount of time trying to discover himself, screening through the bullshit that he's been programmed with, will not want to pass on a legacy. The only reason for a man to be in a committed relationship is that you women are the single best thing that cuts right through our bullshit and falsehood. You can smell it a mile away, even more so after we're together for a long time. There is no more potent vehicle for emotional growth and self-discovery for a man than a committed relationship. Period. We will give you a child only because you want it and will help you raise it because we love you, and that's it. And we know that a child will repeat right after us, and this responsibility is heavy for men that truly found themselves.

Now, you will not find a free man that understand this. If you present it to him like this, he will run away. Mostly because even though I just told you all of this, you have no idea what it means, really. This can only be known from the inside, as a man, how is it to face a woman that knows. You are not doing this deliberately, but if we read you, we learn. So, your best bet is to find a man that seeks himself and hope for the best, that he will find his own reasons for staying with you.

If you don't fit into the biological deadline, then remember that children are only important to you right now, because you can have them. Your hormones will do wonders once you can't.

[tsuki]

17 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

The best advice here is to not waste someone's time with lies and pretense. 

To be honest right away once you reach the committment stage. 

This is not just lies and pretense. Some people genuinely fall in love, become infatuated with each other and their inner children create fantasies of the other person so that they don't notice the flaws. This is by design. No sane, logical, person would enter a committed relationship. The fact that you desperately want to be in a committed relationship tells me that you have no idea what it means. 

It will only get more difficult after you are married and it is not because of malicious intent.

Growing up is difficult.

Edited January 26, 2021 by tsuki