Why does my partner has no purpose?

[Nicachi]

He's a handsome gentlemen, he gives me space, the feeling of safety, he listens and is there for me. We laugh together and we chill a lot. A lot. Maybe a little bit too much? 

I am on my self help journey since I'm about 16 years old. And as I get older (I am 23 now) it gets more and more important to me, to face my shadows, my insecurities, to grow, to observe, to seek the truth and live life out of purpose out of joy. 

He is working as an electronic. In his free time he hangs out with his friends, used to work out (pre Corona) and plays games on the Playstation. 

He does not read, he does not engage with new kind of topics when I don't confront him with some. I once asked him if he might be interested in learning new stuff, he said yes but like until now he didn't talked about anything that he'd like to do with me or for himself...

So I am wondering if I want to be with someone who does not thrive for something. Like I mean someone who sparkles for something bigger than his 9 to 5 Job and Playstation. 

On the other hand I try to reflect and I can see that I myself have things that I thrive for like my art, psychology, spirituality, singing, learning etc. And I am wondering how it will work out if he does not have something like that. I know I should focus on my thing but still, it gives me a feeling of unsatisfaction when he plays with his Playstation while I grab some books to learn. 

And I don't want to sound arrogant. Ofc he should have fun and that's fine, at the same time I notice these feelings. 

 

What do you guys say to that? Should a life partner also have a purpose? Or is it just distraction to focus what he is doing rather than focusing on my own way? 

 

I appreciate your awnsers, thank you

 

 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Nicachi said:

What do you guys say to that? Should a life partner also have a purpose? Or is it just distraction to focus what he is doing rather than focusing on my own way? 

He needs some kind of purpose, even if it isn’t one that is traditionally validated by society.

The point is that it’s something he feels called to do.

Unless he really feels his 9-5 fits that label, then he’s the reality is that he’s just doing what most people do. Making money to survive.

That’s not to shame him. Given the economic realities of this planet, most people do have to make money. But if you’re on a path of self-actualization, likely you’re going to want a partner who is interested in more than just getting by.

[flowboy]

Firstly, you can't do shit to change someone. So even if your conclusion is going to be "my partner should have a purpose" (as defined by you), that just means you have to break up with him. The way you describe your interactions, there is no way you can talk him into it.

Could he talk you into slowing down with your self-actualization, and chilling more? If he felt like you should read less books and play more playstation with him, would you adapt to his wishes? Probably not. So it's not fair to expect him to change.

When I started eating healthy, I started thinking that people around me should be eating healthy. When I started a business, I started thinking my peers are stupid for working a 9-5. When I started planning my days working towards my goals, I started judging other people for not having goals. And so on. This is a trap. It actually comes from the shadow that you create when you try to change yourself. Until I'm done with that part of my transformation, I am still fighting myself sometimes. I still have impulses to "chill" and "waste time" and I suppress and judge those impulses. As long as I have to do that, I will also do it to others. Only when I feel fully secure and trust myself to eat healthy, without having to whip myself at all, can I relent, and with that, also the harsh judgment of others will relent.

So be aware of this effect. If you think it's something like that, it's only in the mind, and I would try to let it go. Because it's about you, not about him.

If you are truly not meant to be together anymore, the way you know is not by a mental reasoning like this. You would feel that you are not attracted to him anymore. So let go of these thoughts, and trust your heart, to tell you whenever it might really be time to move on. Until then, indeed these thoughts are a distraction.

If you continue focusing on your own development, and you show the fruits of it by transforming into a different person, with new qualities like improved understanding and empathy, there's a good chance that you may inspire him to catch up with you. You can inspire people to want to reach your level, by becoming a great person. Through your actions, not your words. If you read complicated topics and try to talk about them to him, you're just paying lipservice to self-development. It will likely make him feel like you're bullying him, and making him feel stupid, by forcing topics onto him that he doesn't care about and then judging him for it. This is just an ego game. If you on the other hand actually integrate what you learn, you won't need to talk about it: he will see the transformation in you.

Continue your own work, show him who you've become, and watch what happens Maybe you'll drift apart, maybe he'll catch up!

 

 

Edited January 22, 2021 by flowboy

[Gesundheit]

You should have a similar vision for your future together. If not, then chances are you won't last for long. Because sooner or later, you will find yourself living in a different reality, and you won't be able to connect to him, and you probably won't be able to take it anymore (he probably won't find it as problematic, though).

[Nicachi]

@flowboy hey!! Wow thank you so much for this great awnser. It fits so well and you're absolutely right about the shadow projection. I did not noticed that at all!! 

 

Thank you very much, that helped a lot. 

[flume]

@flowboy Spot on advice, but not for partners in my experience

Here’s my two cents:

Seeing someones level of development is not a judgment, it’s clarity. It becomes a judgment once you make people “less than” because of it. Bad mouthing, criticism and envy are all classic forms of projection. There’s your shadow, that’s your stuff. So totally, work on all your judgements - they’re awesome pointers for what’s coming up to heal and integrate.

Buuuuuut, in a relationship, the situation is a bit different I find. You can “work on your judgments” as long as you want, but the problem isn’t that you’re not saintly enough, the problem is incompatibility: You’re living different lifestyles, that’s not gonna work on the long run. You don’t have to love all the same things as your partner of course, but a pull towards the same direction is kind of a must. From what you’ve written, your values and interests are completely different. They’ll probably only grow further apart in the future. It’s like one person wanting kids while the other doesn’t. There’s no right or wrong, but it makes you incompatible.

I’m telling you this because I’ve been in this scenario a few times and the point where you’re at inevitably comes. The more I tried being non-judgmental, and putting my wants second, the more resentful I became and  it came out in all kinds of ways. When I was totally honest, I saw that it wouldn’t work but I just wanted it to work so much. I didn’t want to be alone so I dragged it out more than necessary.

If that’s the case for you, don’t try to change him, just tell him it won’t work.

The verdict is yours in the end. Only you know what you’re dealing with. You’ll ultimately have to judge what is really going on for you: A heated projection on your part or the simple truth incompatibility? I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Good luck!

You look drop dead gorgeous btw

Edited January 26, 2021 by flume
Changed my mind

[Nicachi]

@flume yea you might got a point there... Currently I'm not quiet sure tbh. I guess I have to look inward for a while and figure out if it's my shadow projection or if it won't work out at all. I'd love it to work out so badly because he is really a very positive person just with another lifestyle.... Thank you for showing me this important perpective too.... @flume @flowboy

(In terms of energy, I'm not sure if a women always wants someone who is more confident than herself. And I don't know if he has more confidence than I have.... I was also thinking about the word "Coronaship"... Since we are all lockdowned I've got to make sure I'm not in a relationship because I don't want to be alone.... There are so many things to be aware of, and its pretty hard for me to get clear on that....

(thank you for the compliment btw ☺️) 

[Globalcollective]

@Nicachi just  another perspective to throw into the mix as its all been great so far. 

The more you grow and the more you open your heart the greater your capacity will be to love fully so you can use him as a pratice to open your heart more. Not to say you should ever ignore important feelings or put up with unfair behaviour however the way you have described him sounds like you do love him and get on well it just feels like you might outgrown him. Eventually on your journey you realise that the greatest gift is love and to express love under all circumstances so as long as he isnt pushing past your bounderes use the relationship to open that heart wide open.  There comes a poing where you can just jump and jump or just enjoy what you have for what it is. What if this is as good as it gets?

Edited January 25, 2021 by Globalcollective

[Nicachi]

10 hours ago, Globalcollective said:

@Nicachi just  another perspective to throw into the mix as its all been great so far. 

The more you grow and the more you open your heart the greater your capacity will be to love fully so you can use him as a pratice to open your heart more. Not to say you should ever ignore important feelings or put up with unfair behaviour however the way you have described him sounds like you do love him and get on well it just feels like you might outgrown him. Eventually on your journey you realise that the greatest gift is love and to express love under all circumstances so as long as he isnt pushing past your bounderes use the relationship to open that heart wide open.  There comes a poing where you can just jump and jump or just enjoy what you have for what it is. What if this is as good as it gets?

@Globalcollective

That's also a helpful perspective. I guess I might combine some of the ideas you guys shared with me. For now I will enjoy the relationship an try to overcome some shadows and psychological issues. Time will tell if it's going to work out. I really am in love with him and at the same time I notice how confused I am sometimes. But as you say I will practice to open up my heart fully!! Thank you for these kind and loving words

[flume]

17 hours ago, Nicachi said:

(In terms of energy, I'm not sure if a women always wants someone who is more confident than herself. And I don't know if he has more confidence than I have....

You have a point. I deleted that part of my post. To be honest, it felt kind of wrong, even when I first wrote it and it kept bugging me.

[Leo Gura]

On 1/22/2021 at 9:22 AM, Nicachi said:

What do you guys say to that? Should a life partner also have a purpose?

Most humans don't have any sense of higher purpose. And you won't succeed in convincing them to pick one up. It's not part of their character structure.

The big factor here is ambition. Most people simply aren't ambitious and you will never make them ambitious so stop trying.

Either accept your ambitionless man or leave him and next time screen guys for ambition before sleeping with them.

Ambition is a fundamental character trait of the mind. You're born with it or you're not.

This is not an issue of confidence. It's an issue of ambition.

[mandyjw]

Maybe you're his muse right now. Maybe if you really drop the concern about what he is not doing and do what you're inspired to do, the inspiration will get to him too. 

[James Accolade]

8 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You're born with it or you're not.

Wait....is it not possible to develop ambitiousness within yourself? or does wanting to become more ambitious a sign of ambition?

[Nicachi]

9 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Most humans don't have any sense of higher purpose. And you won't succeed in convincing them to pick one up. It's not part of their character structure.

The big factor here is ambition. Most people simply aren't ambitious and you will never make them ambitious so stop trying.

Either accept your ambitionless man or leave him and next time screen guys for ambition before sleeping with them.

Ambition is a fundamental character trait of the mind. You're born with it or you're not.

This is not an issue of confidence. It's an issue of ambition.

Thank you for this awnser Leo..but what if people develop interest in purpose? I mean you also have your course, I guess a lot of people might start without any idea of what their purpose could be, or with low self esteem or vision. And those people have the opportunity to learn something, to develop purpose... In how far do you mean that to be ambitious is a character trait? 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Nicachi I would never wait on someone to develop it. Don't wait on people to change. Plan your life like they will not change.

[Intraplanetary]

12 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Ambition is a fundamental character trait of the mind. You're born with it or you're not.

I can't agree with you on this.

I think ambition can be cultivated; ideally at an early age, yet a person can have a change of heart/mind and become ambitious.

Just finding your life purpose induces ambition naturally.

 

[Karmadhi]

@Leo Gura What if you really love the person and you want to be with them? You cannot just leave someone when something goes wrong. You stay together even when things get hard. This idea of "leaving someone as soon as there is a small issue" is the reason why USA divorce rate is so high. In my culture people rarely divorced because they were willing to work together if there were issues. It made families stronger, happier and less bullshit for kids to go through aka divorce of parents.

[Nahm]

@Nicachi

Chemistry’s not there, you’re not in love with him. That’s why you’re talkin about how nice & safe he is. You’re stalling, thinking.  A women in love wouldn’t be thinking any of this. She’d have both middle fingers to the world saying “fuck y’all, I’m in love!”. Entirely different communications would be transpiring in the relationship. 

[Leo Gura]

@Karmadhi Of course commitent to a relationship is important. Which is why you must screen so hard up front.

Before you get into a relationship you must decide what you want in a partner. In this case, on a scale of 1 to 10, how ambitious do you want him to be? And what is the lowest you're willing to accept?

Once you're already attached to a person it's like you are stuck waist deep in quicksand, you can't think straight.

[andyjohnsonman]

14 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Most people simply aren't ambitious and you will never make them ambitious so stop trying.

Isn't this contrary to everything you teach in your life purpose course?