mental illness or awakening from the story of 'I'?

[Intraplanetary]

I’m going through some weird and confusing time. 

I can see my whole life as a story. I literally lived my who life in a story I created it myself.

Can't stop asking myself - WHO AM I?

 

I defined myself by childhood traumas, by my experiences, cultural and societal rules and expectations, I lived a life as an image in the eyes of others.

When I start thinking and drift away in another story about myself, I then I suddenly awake and come back into the present moment and see my myself being not here but in a story, pure imagination. It’s just imagination. There is nothing real about my life as an ego. I don’t really know who am I anymore.

 

This experience of being absorbed in a story and then waking up from it to a present moment is very similar to meditation when you realise your mind is wandering and then you come back to your breath.

 

Talking to someone is kind of weird because I see that what I say is part of a story and others take that information and think about it within the context of their own story. And what others say it’s just a story and I take that and interpret according to my story. Basically, everyone just creating their own stories depending on their experiences and how they define themselves, and all of these stories are getting wrapped together, adding more illusion. 

 

I constantly ask myself. Who am I if I’m not these stories? I felt as I’m like an open channel which has no identity or story. It’s undisturbed emptiness.

I question everything. I feel very confused as I can’t trust my ego. I embrace it lovingly but at the same time I feel I can’t trust it and I need to question. It’s mentally hard but I need to do it I can’t drop it now. I feel I can’t go back.

 

I wonder if these are symptoms of awakening or am I going through some psychological illness. Although I don’t feel as mentally ill. I feel more free and aware than ever before. But at the same time, I'm really confused and not sure how to talk about it. There is anyone in my life I could share and this makes me feel not sure about my experience.

 

I avoid talking with my few friends I have and family because I change so rapidly. It’s like whatever I’m gonna say it today, it probably will change tomorrow. I’m in this constant flux.

 

I’ve been also thinking that I need to ground myself. With exercising and good habits because I feel like I don’t have an anchor. I don’t know who am I as a person.

 

What do I need to do? When you start losing your ego how do you ground yourself? Do I need to reinvent myself? Create a better ego?

 

Can anyone relate? What do you think? Is this normal what I experience or am I on the road to la la land?

 

Thank you ?

  

[James123]

@Intraplanetary yes. Awakening and mental illness is the story of “I”. “Thinker” is a thought itself. 

Whatever you have learned since your “birth” (including the birth) is an illusion. There is no such a thing as birth, learning vs.  You are already what you are (nothingness), only way to be what you are is “not knowing” as before so called birth. Surrender and let go whatever you have learned and know since “your birth”. Whatever left is what you really are. Dont get confuse with story of ego such as;

12 minutes ago, Intraplanetary said:

I defined myself by childhood traumas, by my experiences, cultural and societal rules and expectations, I lived a life as an image in the eyes of others

 

[Intraplanetary]

51 minutes ago, James123 said:

Surrender and let go whatever you have learned and know since “your birth”

I feel like the more I go into that place where there is no 'me' I feel as I'm losing the ground. How practical this is? 

Detaching and letting go of my story, surely befits me in many ways. Frees me from negative habits and labels I attach to my emotions. But how do you relate with people? 

Should I be worried about it at all? Should I just do what I do - embrace my solitude and concentrate on my life rather than trying to relate with others?

Honestly, I think I'm just seeking some reassurance because it's getting pretty damn weird and confusing this journey of spirituality...

Edited January 22, 2021 by Intraplanetary

[James123]

11 minutes ago, Intraplanetary said:

I feel like the more I go into that place where there is no 'me' I feel as I'm losing the ground. How practical this is? 

 

Fundamentally, you are pure and empty. Ego loves to be on safe and control. The thought of “there is no me” is a ego itself. Thats the reason why when you only not know, you are who you really are. 

 

14 minutes ago, Intraplanetary said:

Detaching and letting go of my story, surely befits me in many ways. Frees me from negative habits and labels I attach to my emotions. But how do you relate with people? 

 

15 minutes ago, Intraplanetary said:

Should I be worried about it at all? Should I just do what I do - embrace my solitude and concentrate on my life rather than trying to relate with others?

 

No. Don’t forget, everyone, everything is you. Love and patience in no matter situations are the one of the most difficult helpful path on spiritual journey and destroying the ego. Because awakening is love. Just meditation and contemplation is not enough. Therefore, many people in spiritual process does volunteer public work. You can start with helping the people in your family, have a better relationship with people. Doesn’t listen the monkey mind when it says “What about me, no one helps me vs”? Because spiritual process is from ego to going towards no self. 

 

23 minutes ago, Intraplanetary said:

Honestly, I think I'm just seeking some reassurance because it's getting pretty damn weird and confusing this journey of spirituality...

Definitely. The main problem is “seeker” must give up the “seeker” in the spiritual journey. Thats why it is getting weird.

[OctagonOctopus]

1 hour ago, Intraplanetary said:

When I start thinking and drift away in another story about myself, I then I suddenly awake and come back into the present moment and see my myself being not here but in a story, pure imagination. It’s just imagination. There is nothing real about my life as an ego. I don’t really know who am I anymore.

Talking to someone is kind of weird because I see that what I say is part of a story and others take that information and think about it within the context of their own story. And what others say it’s just a story and I take that and interpret according to my story. Basically, everyone just creating their own stories depending on their experiences and how they define themselves, and all of these stories are getting wrapped together, adding more illusion. 

I constantly ask myself. Who am I if I’m not these stories? I felt as I’m like an open channel which has no identity or story. It’s undisturbed emptiness.

What do I need to do? When you start losing your ego how do you ground yourself? Do I need to reinvent myself? Create a better ego?

 

Exactly! The not knowing who you are is pure freedom, it is just the ego is afraid of it because the ego is grounded in knowing, in memories of old crusty expirences that aren't even true anymore. Not knowing who you are is amazing, then you can be whatever, you can be what is, you can be here and now always, never caught up in stories.

It is groundless, ground yourself in Being, in Presence. Attempting to  ground yourself in anything else will be more ego. 

 

56 minutes ago, Intraplanetary said:

Detaching and letting go of my story, surely befits me in many ways. Frees me from negative habits and labels I attach to my emotions. But how do you relate with people? 

Should I be worried about it at all? Should I just do what I do - embrace my solitude and concentrate on my life rather than trying to relate with others?

The truth is you are always relating to your concepts about what you think this "other person" is, you can never really know another, but you can be present & compassionate, try to break threw the rocks of beliefs and be with the other here and now. 
Relate to them by seeing them as the Beingness as a manifestation of the One. 

[Nahm]

2 hours ago, Intraplanetary said:

I’ve been also thinking that I need want to ground myself, with exercising and good habits like meditating and bringing my source into my life before any thing, being, or screen...because I feel like I don’t have an anchor  I’m feeling it, listening to only it, and wanting more of it. 

Coherent, resonates. 

Quote

I....don’t know who am I as a person.

“I”. The bridge to the secondary story. Only no mind, no less and no more, will do. Hankies and barf bags are inexpensive and available in bulk on amazon. Your life will happen perfectly without you. 

[allislove]

2 hours ago, Intraplanetary said:

I avoid talking with my few friends I have and family because I change so rapidly.

"I can talk with my few friends I have and family effortlessly, our interactions full of love and laugh"... then there is a self realization, just a pointer  

[Javfly33]

Yes, you are close to catching the Ox

[Inliytened1]

@Intraplanetary seems to me like you are pressing too hard...just relax and be.  You may be going through a dark night of the soul type of phase where you are doubting your own mind and questioning the glimpses of awakening you are getting.  This is normal and It will pass.   Yes spirituality is a deconstructive process but at the same time it has to happen spontaneously and not come from a selfish desire of the ego... 

So relax.   Be at peace.  As you are doing your meditation practices one day it may happen out of the blue.  And you shall awaken from this dream.   Its all good either way.  But as they say, before awakening chop wood, after awakening chop wood.   You will ultimately return to the dream only now it will be magical and more wonderful than ever before.  You will feel the Love of Oneness.  

So don't let spirituality take you down a path of isolation -- don't overthink stuff, and enjoy life!

[Rilles]

Sounds like what "you" were looking for. Mental illness or awakening is just a label, to me it sounds like a sort of Awakening but does my labeling help you. 

[Bodhitree]

It sounds like a necessary stage of development. My reaction would be to let go of everything and look for the ground of being. These kind of unsettled states can be good for meditation because the cracks are showing a bit — as long as you can find a restful moment to begin.

Aloneness is not a bad thing. If you can let go of your expectations it is very possible to be happy by yourself. For the rest you have complete freedom to recreate yourself in whatever way you see fit. But if you really try to throw off habits you may find they are embedded a bit deeper than you thought. 

[Nahm]

9 hours ago, Intraplanetary said:

I’ve been also thinking that I need to ground myself.

?? Grounding

Quote

With exercising and good habits because I feel like I don’t have an anchor. I don’t know who am I as a person.

Don’t fret, that’s right on. You’re not a person...

Quote

What do I need to do?

Nothing...relax!...and let it go. By it, I mean these thoughts. Let go of the thought, that something needs to be done. It is most common for seekers to spend years on the ‘need to do’, only to eventually recognize it was avoiding feelings all along. Expressive writing, and talking with someone, ideally someone who understands or at least can hold space while you express is ideal. In expressing how we feel (right now) we gain much understanding and release much baggage.  

Quote

When you start losing your ego how do you ground yourself? Do I need to reinvent myself? Create a better ego?

Relaxing the body, focusing on seeing, hearing & feeling, and breathing consciously from the stomach. (All other-than buying into the thought stories). 

Laugh about anything and everything as much as you can to take the seriousness out of it.  

Easier said than done...yet an introduction via direct experience to recognizing the importance of non-doing. 

The story of I is mental illness btw. I wouldn’t spend much time, energy or focus on thinking about it. 

Do stuff you like. The more the better. 

[allislove]

You are exactly where you should be, in other words it is 'normal'. You are on the right track, always.
What you should do about these rapid changes? Accept it, love yourself.
At some point you may feel like "at home", no matter what, but there is no you.

These guided meditations from Rupert help to release so much of identifications:
 

It feels amazing to let go, to trust yourself, you are in good hands, worry not.

[impulse9]

I often get into very strange states of mind by pondering on the idea that I exist at all. It is incalculably weird that I, or anything else, exists.

Edited January 23, 2021 by impulse9

[Mightymule]

@Intraplanetary I am exactly in the same place, brother/sister. I can't go back, so I'm going to keep going.

[Valwyndir]

Mental illness is relative just like everything else. People are only ill relative to the standard mentality of society. On the other hand, after awakening I now see my former self as more mentally ill than my current self, even though society sees me as more mentally ill now. 

BUT

Some mental illness has nothing to do with awakening. BUT that also doesn't mean mental illness is wrong. It's simply a different state of mind that usually doesn't mesh well with productivity in society. 

All awakening could be considered mental illness from society's perspective, but not all mental illness has to do with awakening. 

If you're even questioning whether your mentality is illness or awakening, its at least partly awakening haha. Just being aware of awakening is the first practical stage of awakening.

From a deeper perspective, EVERYTHING is part of awakening. Awakening dependently arises with ignorance. There could be no truth if there wasn't falsehood. People can't wake up if they weren't first asleep.  

Let go of the negativity projected upon the concept of "mental illness," examine the mind, and just be. 

[Intraplanetary]

On 22/01/2021 at 2:27 PM, OctagonOctopus said:

it is just the ego is afraid of it because the ego is grounded in knowing, in memories of old crusty expirences that aren't even true anymore. Not knowing who you are is amazing, then you can be whatever, you can be what is, you can be here and now always, never caught up in stories.

I can relate to this so well. 

For the last few days, I've been experiencing a lot of emotional suffering. This is due to realising that my past, with all its stories and emotional baggage, is an illusion.

However, based on my experience I can say that understanding is not enough. Now the real deal is happening as I'm re-experiencing my past. I'm going through repressed emotions that I neglected for the last 15 years. I feel the pain, hurt, disappointment and loneliness of my old self, feelings and experiences which I have never been present for and never attended consciously. But now, I can't ignore and escape ( I now can see! How can I keep escaping from myself when I know there is no self?). 

I feel and stay with all that pain of my old self. I move very close to it, as I'm becoming it, owning it. I touch it lovingly with so much compassion and forgiveness. And only then I can really see 'myself' go.

It's a quite excruciating experience. Imagine your whole's life story disappearing before your eyes and you yourself consciously doing it. it's like tearing your face off, f@king willingly. Many faces of my ego are screaming for their life and I kill them anyway. with love and for love.

I feel fear mainly because when there is no story I'm left with the unknown and I've never been there. It's unfamiliar and it's scary. I'm really alone with this.

However, I have faith. If I can sit and fell through the suffering of letting go of my whole's life story, I'm trusting the universe that I'm held and loved because I'm going towards the Truth. Every time when I express deep gratitude for my experiences and say thank you for life exactly as it is happening to me, I burst into tears and my heart expands. Acceptance with gratitude - Magical.

Perhaps, these 2 quotes could be used as the highlight to portray my experience for the last few days. I keep reminding myself of this profound wisdom and trust it. 

''The ego is an iceberg. Melt it in deep love, so it disappears and you become part of the ocean.'' -- Osho

Leap and the net will appear. -- John Burroughs

❤️

[Intraplanetary]

On 22/01/2021 at 2:37 PM, Nahm said:

“I”. The bridge to the secondary story. Only no mind, no less and no more, will do

this makes so much sense now. I constantly see the ego trying to frame my experiences into a new story, to explain to justify to make this way or that way. And although I awake to its doing, it quickly goes back in making another story.

I accept that its the job of ego and my job is just to be aware. 

Edited January 24, 2021 by Intraplanetary

[Intraplanetary]

On 22/01/2021 at 2:55 PM, Inliytened1 said:

You may be going through a dark night of the soul type of phase 

That's how it feels. It's a very confusing and unfamiliar situation psychologically, extremely painful emotionally and draining physically. 

It's started at the beginning of December and I feel it's reaching the peak. Well, I hope... because to dig so deep, takes so much courage and strength.

But this suffering is magical. It's so real and raw and I would never change it for any story.

 

 

[Vibroverse]

Don't fight your ego. Let it be your friend at a comfortable pace.