People Pleasing

[Barbara]

I wanted to share some insights I had about being a people pleaser. 

In 2019 I've met a monk. He guided retreaters in a Vipassana center. I didn't like him at first. I was used to "spiritual" people in the occident being noticeable nice. And he was kinda rough, always neutral.

Two years later, I've never forgotten him and after all, his love strikes me still, on different levels every time. What I've learned from here is that true love is deeply rooted and the act of deliberately trying to show it is already losing a little bit of it. The focus should be on simply loving and not showing. And love ultimately is, for me, an intrinsic and deep wish of good to others. I experienced this on him. It's almost an awakening experience to feel it, since he loves me, not because I'm Barbara, or because I was a retreatant, or because I'm human. Actually reminds me also about what I really am. Everything. You, Leo, God.

Lately, I've been working on stop being a people pleaser and this thought, among some others, helped me a lot. "Love" or kindness is what I think I'm showing when pleasing others above me, but love is wishing them the best. I strongly believe that the best way to help others is to work on yourself. So, being a people pleaser is looking at the world in a scarce and attached way, imagining that others need anything more than your inner work. So fix your perception of what love is and people pleasing will go away  

What do you think?

[peanutspathtotruth]

Great insights, really resonates!

3 minutes ago, Barbara said:

true love is deeply rooted and the act of deliberately trying to show it is already losing a little bit of it. 

Yes!  True love doesn't care if people know that you love them or if they hold you as a loving person. In one sense, I feel that actions show how loving you are, but these actions don't have to be visible. They probably most often are internal, energetic actions of devotion, surrender, courage. They spring from love to love, as love, without needing anything more than that.

[Barbara]

@peanutspathtotruth Could not have put it in better words  

[_Archangel_]

@Barbara i was a heavy people pleaser in the past and i still struggle with this sometimes, i think you got the point right: If you are a people pleaser you are being selfish as fuck, not the other way round.
You basecally play a character that plays a character beacause you are fearful to show your true personality, disires, faults. You don't want to create contrast because you don't want to be judge. So you put a mask on and be a passive coward.

I'm coming out of this by giving a direction to my life. If you don't have goals and the guts to fight fot them then other's poeple agendas suck you dry and you find your self emiting those fible "yes..." to everything. The best thing to do is to take responsability for that.

I am leaving many friends on this path and that's the best thing i can do right now for me and them

Edited January 20, 2021 by _Archangel_

[Gesundheit]

Love manifests in many ways. Some ways are less attached, and some are more attached. People pleasing is a highly attached/needy form of love, which like you said, is due to scarcity, which I would add that it's ultimately due to fear/self-hatred.

Self-love/awareness is a very important part of the recovery process, indeed.

[uronlydreaming]

@Barbara

I've been the target of many weak people who thought pleasing me would get me to love them.  But, with wrong imagination as my accomplice, I am incapable of loving anybody, because love is a matter of understanding.  How can I love you if I don't understand you. 

Sometimes, understanding someone means leaving them alone even if they would accept your advances... because they might also be weak and unable to say no.  But if they did not have their feature (defect), they would understand that you are suffering from your feature and they wouldn't let you impale yourself on the barbed wire that surrounds their heart.

If you were to play your people pleasing wares on me, for example, there's a chance I would accept, and use you up as completely as possible.  And, for quite some time, you might even feel good about it... validated to the core.  But when the fix wore off, you would have to do it all over again.  And after a while, it wouldn't have the same effect and you'd have to double your efforts to get off on it.  And I might go for that because the same old same old might wear thin and leave me bored and I'd need you to double down on whatever it is... or else I'd have to go look for it somewhere else.  And I would. 

Inevitably, you'd end up going through the stages of grief: bargaining, anger, acceptance, grief..  You'd end up sad and depressed because you wouldn't understand what happened, what went wrong, and so you wouldn't get a handle on it; and, until you could find another target, you'd have to blame some innocent person, place or thing. 

Sleep is wicked.  But if you embrace your helplessness, your lack of self control, you can begin to be free... and even the slightest taste of freedom develops a taste for more.

Edited January 21, 2021 by uronlydreaming
Clean up the look

[Barbara]

@_Archangel_ Responsabilization is key in this process indeed. I've been working on brutal responsibilization too. Actually, one thing leads to another.

By taking responsibility, as you said, you'll then take the lead, then give a direction to your life, then stop being sucked by others agenda, then you're no longer a passive raisin. Doing this is a counter identity process tho and others, who have expectations for you may not like it. I had to let go of almost all my friendships because of this too. But I'm happy about it since it leads me to greater self consonance. It's the best thing I can do too.

Best wishes to you 

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by Barbara

[Applegarden]

10 hours ago, Barbara said:

Lately, I've been working on stop being a people pleaser and this thought, among some others, helped me a lot. "Love" or kindness is what I think I'm showing when pleasing others above me, but love is wishing them the best. 

Yes, in Baghvad Gita - where Krishna converses with Arjuna, just before a violent war, he instructs Arjuna to not have any remorse for any other living being, because they are the eternal soul that is the bliss itself, just cloaked in different bodies. And it is also very important to internally forgive your enemies and not to cherish them as your enemies so that the enemity doesn't stay so that you don't destroy your life and stop taking important decisions of your life towards your life's purpose. In that sense love is wishing them the best - the most unconditional love I can verbalize.

Mostly all these patterns of attachment, enemity, anger, fear e.c.t. are acctually in you as a form of self-hatred, self-denial e.c.t., other beings just trigger that in you, and if you resolve them more and more - a different set of response triggers in you, ignoring them, letting go of them, wanting not to be like them and live authentically, focus more on your vision and goals.

Pleasing the other is also pretty selfish, disguised in selfishness. You want all of the people to have a good name - why? Because one conflict, one person not saying hi to you, can ruin your day and poison your thinking for some time. That is how attached we are.

Working on your self is the first truth in my opinion.

[Ajay0]

11 hours ago, Barbara said:

 I strongly believe that the best way to help others is to work on yourself. 

 

 There is a lot of truth in this statement.

 

Georges Hébert , the French founder of Hebertism ( a training programme encompassing physical fitness and ethical behavior) had as his personal motto , "Être fort pour être utile" ("Be strong to be helpful").

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Georges_Hébert

 

Edited January 21, 2021 by Ajay0

[UDT]

People pleasing is a childhood wound which you'll rarely get rid of. Most people bounce between the extremes