Feel overwhelmed/confused. Seeking sage advice.

[lukej]

Generally I don’t like to ask questions online. But right now I do not find myself in a spot where I can not seek sage consoul and honestly this forum is probably the only place I would be willing to ask anything. And with that I also understand it can be hard to speak to my situation and to truly understand what’s going on. 

But I trust there are probably a lot of people older and wiser than me on this forum that could help me out. And rarely do I confront a situation where I do not find any satisfying answers through my intuition or contemplation. 

I am seeking some practical advice for my career and life purpose. I am not really in search for any spiritual advice or answers to existential questions. I also do recognize my privilege in this situation. I am just grateful right now just to have a nice warm place to sleep and food. 

My Situation:

I recently turned 24. I have an associate's in humanities and completed a minor in computer science (about $100k in debt but whatever). I am working at the local grocery store and as a part-time remote web developer/designer (while I was at college I worked as a web developer for three years at the school). I am also doing an unpaid internship with the Edgar Cayce Association for Research and Enlightenment as a website coordinator. I am living with my parents.

 In 2019 I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had surgery/radiation done. I had to basically pull myself through the last year of college (I graduated in May 2020(. Since I graduated I’ve felt very weak until I was finally able to see a doctor and get my meds figured out. I am feeling more alive and able to do stuff now. It was right around September last year was I finally able to get my meds figured out. The thing about them is if I stop taking them I have about a week or two before I literally shrivel up and die. So, I guess I got a subscription fee for life now lol. 

I have found it very difficult to find work since I graduated. Since the pandemic hit a lot of the people I graduated with have had to find local jobs and move back in with their parents. It has been very tough. 

One thing I am thinking about doing is volunteering for the Americorps. I would move to Detroit for a school year and help students in systematically underprivileged schools. I have worked as a life coach in the past and in high school I started the first gay straight alliance in my whole county so I am not too far removed from that type of work.  The thing is though is I would still need to work another job on top of that to pay my bills. 

 

My questions: 

I am not sure if I should move to Detroit or stay home and try to get a full-time job as a web developer?

I am having trouble finding work as a web developer. Though I do have a portfolio site that I keep adding stuff to. Is there anything else I should look at to help me land a position?

Should I maybe get some more certifications or take more classes through Coursera? Maybe go back to school for a bachelor's? Though there was no web design degrees at my college. But that is what I feel in love with and started doing. I was originally going for computer science but it was too hard-nosed for me. Than I switched sound design cause I also love making music but found out the program was mostly involved with theater stuff. And I really do not like theater or concerts lol. So, I got the only associates I could from the university (I also needed to get out of the area so I could be closer to my cancer doctor). 

I tried working as a life coach but many of the clients I was picking up online did not go through or they were in need of an actual therapist. Should I wait till I am older? Or take that as a sign that I am not right for the job? I mean I generally enjoyed doing it and helping people through complex problems. 

I am also thinking about starting to invest money. I have no idea if it is a good idea or a conscious idea. I am not looking for a get rich quick scheme. But I know inflation is a thing. I bought a tiny bit of crypto to see what it was like. But honestly, something about just feels kinda wrong,. 

Notes and Gratitude 

I know I am smart, creative and competent. I just don’t know if I have a marketing problem or what. The last few years I tried thinking of starting a business but I literally have not come up with anything that feels worth doing. I kinda just want to work a few different jobs and have time for my projects. 

I’ve been thinking about making a video game that is like a turn based rpg but there is no combat, Instead, you use different “love spells” and objects to free these beings from fear. I started making the game in Bayblon.Js. But still not sure if it is worth the time or energy. 

If you need me to expand on anything please let me know. 

Also, I wanted to say thank you again to Leo for having this forum. It has helped keep me sane through these difficult times. The political sections on here have been very informative and helpful in understanding our current situation. 

I am a patron of the channel. But I prefer to be a silent supporter. 

I don't want to give up nor falter under pressure. Really how can I/we make it out of this with our souls and innocence intact? 

With much love and respect

-Luke
 

[timeasarina]

Hi, I have read your story and it is very interesting. I can find myself in some points, so you are not alone with this confusion. I believe in the end you will find the best thing for you and wish you good luck. With all of what you have written you have very special skills and abilities and you are able to do big things. I know a lot about health, I can help with that if you want. Timea

[alden]

@lukej

 

I read your whole story.

You will flinch at most of what im gonna write here if I may preface first;

at the onset, sounds like you still have some deep seated fears, and quite frankly you seem to be in no position to help anyone at all, if you cannot help yourself. So get ready for the long road because thats the real fear here. You have to seriously consider the possibility that you will have to live with your parents for at least 5 more years (given the facts of your financial and health status that you openly admitted). If everything you say in your predicament is true, then the best way to handle this in an object sense is to literally sit down in a room by yourself with no distractions and WRITE DOWN all the the problems you want to solve in your life. I don't care how many times you have already done this, you are fully responsible for the position you are in, so you need to get yourself out. Once you've done that, you must accept the hand that existence has dealt you and be willing to lay your entire sense of future, ego and past on the piece of paper that you will write it on and then make a clear cut plan from there. Again I don't care if you have done this or have even taken leo's life purpose course (which i recommend if you have not) because this is what it is gonna take. So be ready to accept what ever you find at the end of your journaling session; if you have to sell everything, live in a car, or go do anything else extreme like eat nothing but rice for 10 years, then so be it. But remember, You are creating your life one thought at a time, so be careful of literally every negative thought that arises in consciousness. 

 

thats my advice.

Edited January 18, 2021 by alden
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[lukej]

@timeasarina Thank you for the response and the words of encouragement. In terms of my health, I am rather healthy despite the whole cancer thing. My doctor told me it was most like something to do with my genes. But I am not a doctor so I really don't know. 

@alden Thank you for the response. I do sincerely appreciate it. 

And you are right that I did flinch a bit. I feel that you just assumed my mental state. Just because I went through hell doesn't mean I am not happy. Or the fact that I am dealing with this challenging situation doesn't me I am literally sweating bullets over this lol. I love challenges and that is why I am here. I have taken Leo's Life Purpose Course and I am trying to act on my values. I took the course about three years ago. It is what drove me to switch degrees and follow my passion for web design and helping people. And I guess that is where I am at. /Do I do the web design to pay the bills and forget about helping others or just go into helping others? Who knows. I guess time will tell. 

I think I could help people still and that's why I would want to move to Detroit.  I am not as fearful as you assume me to be. But I am aware of my ignorance and limitations but that doesn't make me afraid of them necessary. But I am not trying to defend myself I am aware of how hard it can be to communicate everything through just text. 

I guess I am not really looking for a solid answer to what I should do but rather maybe some resources or questions I should ask myself. 

Like I said I generally don't like posting this kind of question but I really just wanted to get this out of my head.  

[aurum]

15 hours ago, lukej said:

am not sure if I should move to Detroit or stay home and try to get a full-time job as a web developer?

I am having trouble finding work as a web developer. Though I do have a portfolio site that I keep adding stuff to. Is there anything else I should look at to help me land a position?

Should I maybe get some more certifications or take more classes through Coursera? Maybe go back to school for a bachelor's?

What do you want?

What do you want you life to be about?

What do you love doing?

It feels to me like you don't have quite a clear vision on where you're going. So these decisions seem arbitrary.

It's like the Cheshire cat says in Alice and Wonderland. If you don't know where you're going, doesn't matter what direction you pick.

So where are you going?

[alden]

@lukej would you hire a therapist who has $100k in debt is confused about his own path and "still wants to help" people?

it sounds like you're in layers of skepticism which is a mess but you still have a way out, the only thing is YOU are standing in the way.

 

 

[lukej]

@alden I am not a therapist. Never said I was one. I said I was a life coach. Some of the college students I coached are in more debt than me. My mom is a nurse and she still has student debt should she stop helping people until she "figures herself out?"

Life Coaching and Therapy might have some overlap. But yeah I never said that I could deal with an actually mentally ill person,. 

My student debt is the only debt I have. Otherwise, I am pretty okay with my money. My parents make pretty good money are helping me out with it. But I do not come from a rich background so I had to take out a loan to go to school. Your therapist may still be paying off student debt lol.

And I know I am the only thing standing in my way. That's why I am here.  

You know very little about me but seem to make big claims about what is going on with me. I didn't want to turn this into a psych evaluation. 

 

 

[lukej]

@aurum Thank you for the response. I am not sure if you wanted me to answer those questions but I did take some time to think about them more. 

You are very right that I do not have a clear vision of where I am going. I have spent most of my teens and twenties trying many things to see what I like the most. 

What I love doing is working on complex programming projects where I have to connect multiple pieces together. I love working with different languages and making them work together. 

It is kinda like mixing music. You try to layer everything together and getting working just right and when it finally comes together it is awesome. 

But ultimately I think before I die if I could get either one album out or a video game that would be worth it.  At least one polished refined product. I have made a lot of music but most I would never release lol.  That would be my contribution to society. 

Till I die if I could program for a living and help people when I can. Either as a life coach or a volunteer that would be ideal. 

 And another side note I am a gay man. I am not really looking to have a family/kids or even to get married. And I realize I got like 30+ years left (maybe lol). I am just trying to figure out the wisest way to spend those thirty years. 

I don't want/need fame or fortune (I can barely stand attention as is). I know really the only thing that matters is the cultivation of my consciousness and my heart. 

Also, excuse me for this really nerdy analogy. I kinda feel like a character in an RPG who has racked up a bunch of skill points but yet still has not gone on too many missions. He's been at home silently praticing and sharpening his tools. Now he sees that it is time to venture outwards but he does not know where to put all his effort into. 

 

And just a quick side note: I had someone from my web job actually refer me to someone at a company who is looking for a full-stack developer position,. I applied today. So, I am sitting on my hands. I've just applied to so many jobs and have dealt with so much span it has been frustrating. 

[alden]

@lukej get your ass off this forum and go do the work then!

[lukej]

@alden lol why you so hostile? Do you not have a sense of humor?

I am barely on here anyway. 

Anyway. 

I've made my decision. 

I am going to move to Detroit to volunteer with the City Year organization. Spend a year helping children and working part-time as a web designer.

Thank you all for being part of my process. Writing this post did help me think it out a lot.  

May you all be blessed! 

[Thought Art]

@lukej You got this! Embraced the confusion and keep going. You are loved remember that! Clarity will come.

[kag101]

On 1/21/2021 at 8:53 AM, lukej said:

I am going to move to Detroit to volunteer with the City Year organization. Spend a year helping children and working part-time as a web designer.

 

good luck   

keep us posted