2021

[kag101]

 

NEWS FROM COLLEGE!!!

On 18/08/2021 at 3:11 PM, kag101 said:

my college still hasn't replied if i can transfer to the hybrid version of the major. aaa... 

 

they have replied, and it worked! (99% certainty lol) 

i think that this change will really help me. it'll be much easier to convince myself to attend boring classes. 

here are the times of my classes this semester: 

Quote

 

M 6:30-9:50PM 

Wed 7:-9:50PM 

Th 7-9:50PM

 

 will this work perfectly for me? idk. 

will this increase the odds for me to finish my graduation? YES. that was a strategic move.

for example, i'm having a sunday blues. instead of having a thought like this one: 

"OMG... I'll have a long week ahead of myself... i'll only have a day off in 5 days"  

>>>>>>>

"Oh... yeah, i'll have to go to that boring class tomorrow, but at least i'll get to rest on tuesday" 

BOTTOM LINE: this is reason to celebrate! when i achieve a goal, it's very easy to take it for granted. it's just like with taking the covid vaccine... 

 

i'd really enjoy going if the classes were decent. hopefully, the next semesters will be better... 

that said, i'm doing a lot of self-learning. and my main goal is to get this fucking degree. i still have 8 more semesters to go though lol.

gladly, the college i'm going to is easy, so i don't have to worry about studying my ass off. i can study in a more intuitive way. that is, to absorb what naturally resonates with me — as opposed to thinking, "WILL THIS BE ON THE EXAM?????" 

 

--- 

CELEBRATING!

i feel like i'm getting really good at chess. my initial goal was to reach 966 by September. and, look at my score: 

am i still weak at blitz and bullet? yes. 

the rapid games are actually the longest ones you can get. 

my favorite type of match is 30 minutes for each player. this way, i can actually think about the position. 

shorter games are also fun. but I have to play more instinctively, and oftentimes I have to outsmart my opponent by setting a trap.  

on longer games, i can focus on the chess per se. 

HOWEVER... 

I also want to get good at blitz and bullet. 

a strategy that i used to motivate me to play more of those shorter matches is to set a goal not for my rating, but for how many matches i have played. this way, i don't get too upset when i lose. and i focus on something that i actually have some control over: how many times i play a match. 

analogy with piano 

indirectly, playing longer matches also help. it's like learning how to play a piano piece. a very common mistake is to try to play it too quickly right away. no. the most important thing is to be able to maintain the tempo. 

so it's better to play more slowly but more accurately, as opposed to quickly and inaccurately. 

speed is important. but accuracy is more. 

i took a break from these quick matches, because of the pain i was experiencing with my mouse. 

 

ADAPTING!

On 18/08/2021 at 3:11 PM, kag101 said:

 

i couldnt really adapt with this mouse, because there is no support for my ring and pinky finger. and for some reason, it starts to ache. 

so i made a huge adaption, lol.

i did some further research on those mouses, and i found this model, which has a better support to have my whole hand wrapped on the mouse, and there's also support for the ring and pinky. 

problem is, this guy costs about 100 dollars where i live. 

so.... i decided to experiment to adapt the one that i have here. 

i won't go into much detail on how i did that, but, hey, it's been working so far, lol. 

i name this guy..... FRANKENSTEIN, lol 

i'm still not sure if this will really work, but anyway it's been fun experimenting with modifying it. 

i watched a video on SciShow Psych (really good YT channel btw), and it talked about why we get fond of things that we did it ourselves, even if they're ugly. lol . i couldn't find the video thou... 

 

Counterintuitive insight

i was really anxious about transferring my major. will there be a spot left? will i lose my scholarship? at some point, though, the only thing i could do was wait. 
waiting is not as hard as it seems. the key is to distract myself with doing other things. 

my intention for this moon was the following: let time pass. 

i love how counterintuitive this is. the art of knowing when to act and when to do nothing. 

 

[kag101]

it always amazed me how the mind is wired to take granted good things that have worked out. example, i was nervous if it would be possible to change my college to a hybrid version. seriously, i worried a lot about that over the past few months. and then, when it worked... i don't celebrate it.

why? because the mind is already scanning for other problems to worry about. it's sort of an addiction that i have.

 

On 27/08/2021 at 8:19 PM, kag101 said:

problem is, this guy costs about 100 dollars where i live. 

i ended up buying this guy. it's much more ergonomical. the only problem with this type of mouse is that it creates tension on a different part. but fuck i'm trying to make some new adaptation lol.

one important thing to keep in mind when something is aching is this: how bad is it? because if i'm going to worry about every single discomfort, then i'm in for a disaster.

one common trap is to get obsessed about the pain. so instead of resting and let my body recover by itself, my stupid ego starts panicking and then i start doing things to get rid of the discomfort, but that it only worsen the problem.

 

my birthday was last week. it was good. getting older isn't freaking me out that much anymore thankfully. i feel like, because i'm in a good direction in my life, then i don't feel like i'm wasting my time.

i'm really grateful for having found my psychologist. seriously. i've tried with many before, and she's the real deal. i used to think that therapy was too soft, slow, and ineffective. i wanted a quick-fix. but all of the marketing in self-help was just that... marketing. some techniques can help, but they are not a panacea. neither is meditation nor psychedelics.

going to therapy feels like i'm calibrating my inner tires.

i think that therapy sort of have a bad-rep, because the overwhelming majority of therapists are terrible.

 

getting in touch with other human beings is key.

whoever says that they don't need anybody. they can be perfectly happy with no human contact whatsoever is full of BS. 

the quality of the people i interact is pivotal. interacting with unpleasant people doesn't help.

anyway, i was feeling so stressed out two weeks ago. i had gone on a date that didn't go so well. the political situation in my country is really bad. i started to get all sorts of pain in my body.

and then what truly helped was doing simple things with other people. like hanging out with a good friend of mine. oftentimes when i'm really caught in my own head, i think that seeing others is a waste of time. but actually it is an outlet for stress. 

 

i'm an animal

one danger of getting too much on spirituality is to dismiss one of our most important needs: belongingness.

it takes courage and maturity to fully embrace my humanity. the fact that i'm an animal.

"i'm not my body. i'm the eternal soul" >> stop fooling yourself. I just don't want to admit that I'm a freaking animal, just like a chimpanzee. the only big difference between me and it is the complexity of my brain. 

i don't want to admit i'm flawed. that ihave to poop. you know, that disgusting stuff comes out of my body. i'm not pure.

but i have a feeling that when i fully accept that Imperfection, then true enlightenment happens.

 

[kag101]

Taking for granted

Apparently I've managed to fix my problem with using the mouse. I made an adaptation to my table. So that's good. It's really unpleasant to feel pain while I was playing chess. And I know that I figured things out, I'm like. "Yeah, whatever". I try to be mindful of the tendency of taking things for granted.

1) There is a problem that I'm really worried about.

2) I get a fear of whether I'll be able to solve it or not.

3) I eventually find a solution.

4) I take it for granted, and start to focus on a new problem.

Gratitude is important.

 

In-person classes

My college is slowly starting to give in-person classes, and that has been good. I feel like it's good for my mental health. Plus, I was simply not watching the online classes. And I was sorta panicking if I was going to be able to "endure" the in-person lectures. I got into overanalyzing mode, and I was calculating how many hours I would have to spend there. But in reality, it was much more enjoyable than I was expecting.

 

Problem with my sleep

I've got a problem with my sleeping schedule. Seriously, there are days that I go to bed when the sun has already risen. It's depressing. I was trying to brute force my way into sleeping earlier, but it was simply not working. So now I'm experimenting with changing in a more gradual way.

So here's my initial plan. Go to bed at:

1st week: 4-4:30AM (Oct 25th ~Nov 1st)

2nd week: 3:30-4:00AM (Nov 2st - Nov 7th)

3rd week: 3:00-3:30AM (Nov 8th - 14th)

4th week 2:30AM-3:00AM (Nov 15th - Nov 21st)

I'll start with that. A very modest expectation. I'll consider a new week every Monday. So I hope it works well. The only thing that I definitely don't want is to sleep past 5AM. It's just way too depressing.

That said, I do enjoy the late night. And since I'm studying in the evening, I don't have to worry about waking up early. I'm in a phase of my life that I don't really want to wake up early. Ideally, i would go to bed at 2-2:30 AM.

 

Chess

it's been good. i sorta hit a plateau lately, but thats okay. I played with a Grandmaster that I follow on Twitch. It was fun, but it was kinda humiliating lol. but anyway.

My growth has been gradual and steady.

One day I went berserk and started playing really wild moves. And I was winning a lot of matches. But it was a black-and-white sorta thing. I would either crush my opponent or get crushed myself. And I know that this doesn't work on higher levels. Sometimes random moves throws people off because they're not used to them. But after a certain level, it doesn't.

I'm starting to focus on learning some basic theory about the most used oppenings. It's useful, and it's something very minimal.

My dream is to reach 2000 one day, but that's unlikely. 1500 is a more realistic expecatation. I think I can get there in 3 years, idk.

 

The danger with underestimating simple solutions

When I spend too much time by myself, I start to think about overly deep stuff. It's like a rabbit hole. And my spiritual ego refuses to accept that somethign as simple as hanging out with a friend can do wonders.

it's like "somehitng of utter simplicity can't help with the ugly complications of my life". and sometimes the simplest things are the ones that work the most.

Edited October 22, 2021 by kag101