2021

[kag101]

i plan to write freely here throughout this year

 

[kag101]

• i've been feeling like I'm on a spur of progress this last month  

• i'mma go back to college this year. my major will be in psychology. i hope the classes are not overly biologically-oriented. 

• the freaking microphone of my iphone has stopped working. ugh! i'll think about that tomorrow.  

 

[kag101]

my motto: focus on the big fish ???

• instead of getting triggered by some stupid shit, i want to focus on what's really important. 

 

waking up early

• my college classes will start in about 3 weeks. i'll have to wake up at 7 am. damn. 

 

driving ?️

• i've been taking driving classes, and will finally get my driver's license! 

 

focus on my goddamned life ??

• i've been working on stopping pitying other people.

"oooh... look at this person... what a pity... so powerless and incapable............" RED FLAG

                     --> instead of focusing on my own life—which have variables that I can control—, I end up try to fix other people's lives. 

 

"updating" myself  

• i have this project of not being alienated to what's going on in the world. it's giving me good results. 

examples:

1. check the news once a day 
2. listen to some new music 
3. read current bestselling books 
4. watch trendy tv series

obviously, i'm not going to force myself into liking stuff just because it's new. 

 

ariana grande 

she's an artist i used to think was crap, but is actually decent 
 

Quote

 

"I can't really miss you if I'm with you

And when I miss you, it'll change the way i kiss you 

You know time apart is beneficial." 

 

that resonates a lot to me.

==> distancing can be vital, as it oxygenates the relationship.  <== 

[kag101]

college classes! strategy for acing it!

• my college classes have started. it's been going quite well. i've come up with a strategy to develop a study habit.

>> study each subject 5 min a day. <<

it's a deliberate babystep. something that i can do every single day, even if my bad days.

and it's been giving me good results. oftentimes, i end up studying more. but just this daily contact with each subject helps a lot.

 

pandemic, lockdown

• my country is doing horribly with the pandemic. there's very few vaccines, and the situation is chaotic. that has been tough. i fear the possibility of losing a loved one. and also the lockdown is very challenging mentally.  but i'm trying not to worry too much, and focus on the variables that i can control.

 

sleep schedule

• i've been able to wake up early for my college classes. problem is, when i don't have to wake up early, i end up going to sleep really late.

so i will try to never sleep beyond 1 AM. Maybe i'll go down to midnight.

Yesterday I freaking slept at 5:30 AM! This is preposterous. Not healthy at all.

 

Edited March 21, 2021 by kag101

[kag101]

going to bed earlier

i've been waking up pretty early every tuesday and thursday (which are the days that I have classes). on the other days, however, i'm going to sleep way too late. the other day i freaking went to sleep at 5 am. u gotta be kidding me...

so i'll try to always sleep by midnight. MAX 1 am.

 

chess - 3 super cool insights

• as i am playing, i'm thinking: "Is this a good move? or will the engine tell me afterwards that it's a blunder?"

this is such a stupid way of thinking. fuck it if i make blunders. it doesn't matter. what matters is if i win.

if i focus too much on the form, i will screw it up.

• i will try to keep in mind is to try to see the whole board. sometimes i just analyze one part of it, which i end up leaving a free piece for my opponent.

• the people who actually improve are the ones who are unafraid of stepping into the arena of life (!!). sure, it's also important to study theory. but if one is not courageous enough to step out of his comfort zone and actually play a real game, then he'll make no progress.

 

i'm starting to see some results. i used to be a terrible player. seriously. i had chess classes when i was a kid, and i would always lose.

but now i feel like i'm getting the hang of it. my rating is below 500 though lol.

 

childhood dream - mozart

i'm practicing a song that was my childhood dream being able to play it. it's called Rondo Alla Turca, by Mozart. i'm sure you've heard it. it's a fast-paced song, so it really impresses people.

i hope that i can finish practicing it, and then i want to post on my instagram by april 1st, maybe?

 

cutting ties because of politics? O_O

 i've told a friend about my political views. it turns out he's on the polar opposite side of the spectrum. basically, i'm into liberalism (less taxes, less state, less regulation), and he's a marxist. lol.

he told me that he was considering cutting ties with me because of that. i was like WTF. seriously, it doesn't make sense. i'm in no way an extremist.

 

3 important insights on politics

1) i'm working on consciously program into my mind:

"The world will take care of itself"

otherwise i get too hypersensitive and try to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. as opposed to focusing on variable that i do control.

2) i'm new to politics. so i should be humble enough to be an appretice. speak to people not with the intent of being right per se, but to actually find out the truth about that thing. ask questions.

3)  i think i'm getting better at STOPPING inner hypothetical debates. seriously, it's so freaking repetitive. and it is a spell. and the way to unspell is by not feeding it.

 

can't believe i'm in college AND healthy!!

my neuroscience class is going well. it's a lot of content, but i don't think the exam will be that hard.

it's really interesting to study the human brain. it's such a fascinating machine! 

 

intention of the year

"I WILL GET IT RIGHT"

basically a mindset of being a winner.

that doesn't mean i will get obsessed about it.

but instead of being full of doubt when doing something, be in the mindset of i am capable of getting it right.

and if i don't, that's okay. the most important thing is to try.

 

micro-steps

i'm doing an online course about that. pretty transformative.

i'm applying this concept to getting the habit of study. i dedicate 5 minutes per subject per day.

sounds way too little, doesnt it? but well it's a strategic babystep so that i can get momentum. and it's working.

[kag101]

focusing on a trap!!

i was studying a specific opening for chess. but then i realized that i was getting too stressed out about that.

i already know the basic concepts about openings.

almost every game i make a really stupid blunder, because i am inexperienced and was not paying attention. if i manage to not make those mistakes, that would already be a big progress!

 

my main practice is to play at least 1 online game per day. not with the computer.

 

btw - i have been playing with a friend, who doesn't give a shit about technique, lol. And he ended up beating me twice, because I'm not used to his unusual moves, lol.

 

college - babystepping study habit

college has been pretty good. my habit has been to study at least 5 minutes per day per subject. i've been getting really good results.

as for now, i only have 2 subjects. next month, it will be the other 4. i suppose that will be a bit more challenging, but we'll see...

 

trying to play my childhood-dream piano song

i'm trying really hard to play rondo alla turca, by mozart, on the piano. it's a really fast song. and i just can't get a specific part right. it's annoying, because it's simple yet my brain bugs.

i was hoping to upload the instagram reels of me playing it by friday. but i have decided to change my goal. instead, i want to be able to play it well at 75% of the original speed by friday. then, i guess next week i'll post it.

i do want to post it, but i won't do it if it's too sloppy.

 

random thoughts

• i had sort of a toothache today. i hope it's not cavity.

 

• i received my SAT results (the one from my country). and i did better than i had expected. all subjects above average. and i did pretty well on my essay. 840/1000.

 

• i wish i had a newer console. i only have my playstation 3. but i've started to play Red Dead Redemption (the first one), and it's really cool!

i'm in this phase of my life that i want to get up-to-date with what's going on in the world, but i guess that video-games will have to be an exception of that for now, lol.

 

• i tried to save more money this month. i'll see how that went.

[kag101]

my chess.com rating goals

i'm currently at 466. it's a pretty pathetic rating.

• i feel like i'm at a point that if i manage to simply keep playing at least 1 online match per day, and analyze my match afterwards i will already improve.

• doing the puzzles can also be helpful.

• and, again, i don't think it's the time to focus on new openings.

 

high expecation:

i would be really happy if i could have a 1000 rating by my birthday (which is in September). i guess it's doable.

April: 466

May: 566

Jun: 666

July: 766

Aug: 866

Sept 966

is that too ambitious? since i'm a beginner, i feel like there's a lot of room for improvement. as soon as i get the hang of the basics, i think i'll have a very big growth. and then, when i reach 1000, i think i'll be at a plateau, which is fine.

 

balanced expectation:

okay so let's do a more modest expectation:

April: 466

May: 520

Jun: 550

July: 600

Aug: 630

Sept: 680

 

Yea... i think that's way more doable.

the thing about this is that i'm comparing myself with others. i would get pretty happy if i got a 700 rating. but like, i see a lot of youtubers who are beginners as well and they are at that level quite effortlessly.

 

pessimistic expecation:

april: 466

May: 498

jun: 530

jul: 550

aug: 570

sep: 590

i admit that that would be pretty frustrating. lol.

 

those 2 things are much more important than a stupid rating

but anyways, i think it's important to not focus on the number per se. but instead if:

1) i'm having fun

2) i feel like i'm improving 

those two things are the most important. and having fun is >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> being good. it's no use being good at something if you don't enjoy it.

i think that chess is one of those activities that is so easy to start comparing yourself and thinking that you're dumb. i hope to not fall into this trap.

 

ps: oh, and one thing i want to get back at doing is practicing arithmetics. i feel like it's going to help me somehow. i had downloaded an app on that.

[kag101]

some updates:

 

On 31/03/2021 at 0:43 AM, kag101 said:

i'm trying really hard to play rondo alla turca

• i was having trouble playing this song, mainly because i was not using the most appropriate fingers to play each note. my plan was to post the video today, but that didn't happen.

on this week, i managed to correct the fingers that i'm using. and that's going to help me play at the right tempo.

i still didn't succeeded in playing a part that has a trill. this is basically when you play two notes alternately and rapidly. this is definitely not the most important thing in that song. but if i manage to pull it off, then it would sound really cool. 

here's the exact part that i can't pull it off:

ughhh... it's so simple yet my brain bugs.

 

goals for that song

there are some parts that  the sheet music says that i should hold the pedal. but honestly, i don't know if i'll waste my energy on this. because the difference is so freaking subtle. i feel like there are more important things to focus on.

4-9 >> play well at 75% of the speed

4-16 >> play well at 100%, and post if

 

let's see if i can do that. i'm just making sure i don't get too neurotic about that.

 

first college exam - studying has been helping my mental health

i will have my first exam this next tuesday. it's on neurophysiology (quite a fancy name, isn't it? lol) all about the brain and stuff. it's really fascinating how this machine called brain works. it's so elegant. i think i'll do it well.

i'm looking forward for the new subjects that i'll have this next month. they're more related to psychology per se.

and college has been helping my mental helath so far.

>> today, for example, i was pissed at some friends. and i was very low on energy. but then, i studied a bit and felt better lol. <<

On 21/03/2021 at 1:00 AM, kag101 said:

>> study each subject 5 min a day. <<

this has been key!

 

heavy interactions, but being aware of not being hypersensitive

speaking of friends, i'm kinda fed up with relationships (not necessarily romantic ones) that are too heavy. seriously, it stresses me out.

that said, i am learning how to not by hypersensitive about certain topics, but sometimes i just get tired and NEED to take a strategic break. or else i will burn out.

one friend was considering cutting ties with me because..... we have different opinions about politics. and the thing is, i'm not an extremist. i got offended by that, tbh.

what kinda of crappy friendship gets cut just because i think therre should be less government, and he thinks there should be more?

so i decided to text him being assertive and saying that i got upset that he was considering cutting ties because of that. i still haven't seen what he has responded.

let's see how that goes.

 

thank you all for reading, my beautiful readers. haha. [/cringe off] lol

[kag101]

new classes college - excited

i just finished a class at my college. they divided the semester into two bimesters. the first one is over. and i did pretty well. 8,8/10.

tomorrow i'll start the new classes. the challenge will be that it's going to be Monday through Friday, as opposed to only Tuesday and Thursday. I'll see how it goes.

i really hope i enjoy them. it's good to ocupy my mind with something i enjoy, and which is connected to my life purpose >> this helps to stop giving a fuck about unimportant shit.

 

 

chess

i have been doing pretty well at chess. i'm surprised. i found a great video of a guy who gives some guidelines for beginners.

in a matter of 4 days or so, i was able to increase my ELO by +150. i got super excited when i saw that i was winning one match after the other. lol.

On 02/04/2021 at 11:39 PM, kag101 said:

Jun: 666

i'm where i thought i would be in june, so that's really cool.

i kinda hit a plateau, but it's normal.

the important thing is to not enter "neurotic mode". that is, "OH... I HAVE TO GET BETTER. I HAVE TO BE DISCIPLINED." etc. >>>>> No. It's just a hobby.

 

quitters

one tip that guy gives is to never resign a game.

sometimes i blunder and it's really frustrating. but it's important to have the resilience to not run away. after all, sometimes my opponent ends up blundering as well.

it's funny to see some folks who resign, simply because they blundered a Rook or something.

 

i didn't expect this

speaking of chess, one person that really surprised me negatively is a famous Grand Master called Nakamura. i thought he was cool, but actually it seems as though he is fake and hypocritical. 

the worse type of asshole is the one who disguises himself as a nice guy.

 

i gotta do this magical trick

i want to write some goals. i often forget about how freaking powerful writing down goals and putting a date is. seriously, it can be almost magical.

from my experience, you can do it once and forget about it. then, some months later, you read them again. and a lot of times the things i wrote happen.

 

coming up with a solution to my neck pain

i was waking up with an annoying neck pain almost everyday. that was pretty frustrating. but it seems that i have figured out how to reduce it.

 

thing is: i always sleep on my side and i put a pillow in between my legs.

i noticed that i wasn't turning to the other side during the night, and it was because it's counterintutive to do so if you have a pillow in-between your legs.

so here's what i've been doing: before sleeping, i turn to the other side with the pillow. i do that 3x. and i have noticed that as i am sleeping, i am now turning. 

 

why is this important?

one of the most basic rules in ergonomy is that being in the same position for too long is a big no-no.

i hope that eventually i won't have to do the turning 3x. but i'll keep doing it.

and i also program myself to take some sips of water. this is helpful, because oftentimes my throat gets dry.

 

other random stuff

• sometimes i don't like to be part of the animal kingdom. i think it's all very stupid.

• my inner gremlin often judges my relaxed self very harshly. it's as if i needed to be in pain. that if i let myself go, i will do stupid shit.

• i was taking a medication that has been really helping me in an area of my life. problem is, i've been getting some headaches. i don't know if the cause is the pill per se. i hope not... i will do some tests to figure this out.

[kag101]

getting bald sucks

it's so frustrating. and i have a pretty preponent forehead. dang. i shaved all my hair the other day. it looked okay.

 

new classes - meh...

my new classes at college have begun, finally. one of the teacher is fine. she has some excessive positivy tbh, but she's nice.

the other one is terrible. she's like a 65-year-old lady who doesn't know anything about technology. and she doesn't teach; she only reads the powerpoint. and after every single sentence she says "ok?"

good thing that it's online. so i get do other stuff.

 

nothing new + students who overparticipate

these classes seem to be very basic and common knowledge. pretty boring stuff tbh. and the other students freakin love to participate. it's pretty cringey. i usually turn off my speaker when some of them start speaking.

 

less motivated

i'll see how it goes. this new classes have made me feel less motivated for sure. the first one that i had was really cool. but those ones are... crappy. there's yet one other professor that i will meet tomorrow. i hope she's good.

 

progress

so crazy to think about how much i've progressed over the past 2 years. it's mindblowing. i used to have a good day every week or two. the other days were bad. and nowadays my days on average usually are

5% awesome

85% good

10% meh

in fact, i've made a tablesheet on which i record how my days have been. i might upload that here.

i credit this awesome progress due to psychotherapy and psychiatry treatment.

 

>> a good psychoanalytical session is so powerful. to me, that's the #1 practice for self-actualizing. <<

[kag101]

one of my new professors at college is really crappy. dang

 

chess - LOWER my expectation!

i've been improving at chess. i've reached a 700 rating. it's a cool achievement. i was stuck at 500 before.

i was starting to get obssessed. like, "oh, what if i lose a buch of matches, and i go back to 630?" >> yea, that could happen. and it would be expected.

 

thing is, i still make silly blunders. it's important that i correct those, before trying some more advanced moves.

 

i'm still beyond what i thought would be the best case scenario.

On 02/04/2021 at 11:39 PM, kag101 said:

April: 466

May: 566

Jun: 666

July: 766

Aug: 866

Sept 966

i'm one month ahead. so i must chill the fuck out. it will be no tragedy if i lose a bunch of matches. is it frustrating? yes, it is. but i can handle it.

there's a big difference between losing but having some odds for winning, and to be completely crushed.

 

if i manage to play attentively, and analyze my games afterwards; i will improve sooner or later.

if, on the other hand, i keep stressing about my freaking "rating", this will sap all the joy out of playing this game.

 

important: it's expected that i will reach a plateau right now. it's very unrealistic to think that i will increase my elo by 200 points every two weeks.

 

according to my balanced expectation goal, i am beyond what i thought i would be in September.

On 02/04/2021 at 11:39 PM, kag101 said:

balanced expectation:

okay so let's do a more modest expectation:

April: 466

May: 520

Jun: 550

July: 600

Aug: 630

Sept: 680

so yea, i have to be more fucking patient.

 

btw i have to take some time to write down some goals and wishes. i keep putting this off. this is such a simple yet powerful practice. it's often overlooked.

[kag101]

college crisis

i've been anxious about my college classes. i really want to change the modality to a hybrid, which means that I would have to go fewer days to college. that's become so clear. too bad i didn't realize that beforehand.

problem is, i have a scholarship. and i might lose it if i do that. i'll only know the answer in july/august. goddamn! i know that time passes by quickly, but it's not easy.

i won't be able to keep up with going to classes every single day, and watching some boring-ass classes. i mean, if it's 2-3 times per week, i can handle it. but 5 times a week. blah!

i'm mostly self-taught. so this change would be very beneficial. i don't like the classes, but i really enjoy reading the books and doing my own research.

the college i'm going to is pretty easy. that's a good thing. it's something important for me, so figured the need for coming up with a strategy for being able to continue. adapt.

i'm becoming a better strategist. and the key point in this case is: 

learning how to put a specific worry on-hold

if i'll only have an answer in a month or two, i've got to find ways to not get overwhelmed by the anxiety.

there's a time to take action, and there's a time to do nothing.

i'd say i have 65% chance of changing the modality and keeping my scholarship.

hello, Future Self, did that work out? i hope so

 

leaving comfort zone here

i've been thinking about trying to share more personal things here. like not an oversharing kinda stuff. i guess that could be positive.

for example:

i'm bissexual.

tinder is pretty good for meeting new guys, but it's crappy for meeting women.

i've bought a 1-month platinum version. i hope that helps me have a match with at least 1 interesting woman.

but i do understand that, regardless of the gender, it's hard to find cool people.

 

cute guy - meet two weeks from now

there's this guy i've been talking with for a year. we've met only once.

it's hard to go on a date with someone when you need to use a mask most of the time. because in order to kiss, both parties have to take off the mask. so it's kinda unnatural.

well, basically, i tried to induce some situations that we took off our mask, but then he quickly put it back. i thought that maybe he didn't want to kiss or something, but i'm pretty sure he didn't even notice what i wanted to do.

but i think we're going out again (if there isn't yet another lockdown) two weekends from now. (4th or 5th of june)

i've dropped some hints, and i think it's become clear that he does want to kiss me. so i'm just going to go for it. if he doesn't want, it's okay.

he's first and foremost my friend. we have a very special connection. he's a great listener, light-hearted, simple, etc.

when we first started talking, i was infatuated. it took me some months to get out of that. and i'm curious to see what would happen if we did kiss. i've never officially dated someone, so that could be interesting.

on the other hand, i feel like it's important to weight carefully if that's what i really want. because i feel like that can be a lot of room for growth by going out with several different people.

 

ps: as you can see, the key senteces here are bold. not sure if that is good or actually too much?

[kag101]

 

Chess

 

 

getting destroyed

chess has been frustrating. i had gone up to 800, but i think i was actually lucky. i am playing with people at this elo and i'm getting my ass kicked most of the times. it pisses me off. so i think it's actually better if i lose some elo so that i can play with guys that are closer to my level.

it's one thing to have resilience, it's another to get destroyed every time. this saps the joy out of the game. and it gets so frustrating that i end up wanting to quit.

i mean, i make some pretty silly mistakes. if i could stop making those, then i would have a better chance. it's not that the guys that i'm playing are super good. no. but they're significantly better than the ones i had been playing.

players that have a rating 500-700 are weak. that's good, because then i don't have to be so alert during the game. i can miss an opportunity or blunder something, because  my opponent will likely make many mistakes.

 

insight as to why i'm making so many blunders

i do think i am playing against people who are beyond my level. i think that i'm making silly mistakes because i've been focusing on more advanced stuff, so because of that, i end up not paying attention to the basic stuff.

so now i've been playing at a different category (it's called blitz; the games are shorter), in which i have a lower elo. It's 630 or something. It was a relief to play against weaker players, lol. And it's also good to practice playing some shorter games. the overwhelming majority of the players prefer this modality. i prefer some longer ones (10 minutes per player). 

 

the roots = most important

it's really interesting to go through a real example of the mastery process. a spur of progress, then plateau, backsliding, then progress, etc.

it's so freaking important to not skip steps. that is, i'm at "level 2" right now, but if i have to play simpler chess than there's no shame in that. it's like a pyramid. the foundation have to be solid.

would i like to be a great player and improve quickly? yes. am i comparing my rating with other beginners i know? yes.

i've been really hooked up on this game lol. i mean, it's not an addiction, because i am able to stop when i get too stressed. and i don't think about it all the time. but it's something that i am naturally attracted to these days. my guess is that by next year, i will be doing something else. but i will still play from time to time.

 

breaking a pattern: totally interested, then aversed

i used to have a bad pattern: i would totally immerse myself in a new hobby. but then i would get so fed up with it that i would get aversion. for example, movies. i would watch a movie per day. and i focused on the classics. but then after a year or so, i got tired of it. and nowadays i rarely see movies lol.

but i don't think that's what's happening in the case of chess. because it's something that i have recently started so it's natural to have an extra interest. it's just like when you fall in love with a person. there's the honey-moon phase, and eventually things start to settle. the problem is when the honey-moon is exaggerated. but, again, it's not the case.

also, i feel like i have a lot of room for growth. it's like i know that i will have a breakthrough in the foreseeable future. but i know that eventually, i will get stuck at a level. and if i wnat to really imrpove, i will have to dedicated too much time to it — which i will not do, lol.

i always had a inferiority complex in regards to logic, math, etc. so it's cool to have this new hobby. it's a step-by-step process. i'm not a genius, but i'm not super retarded neither.

 

random thoughts

• i will go out with the guy i mention on the last post on this sunday. i think i will go with him at a place to get a piercing on my eyebrows lol.

• another guy that i used to go out has told me that he had fallen in love with me, and that he thinks it's better if we distance ourselves for now. i'm really not sure if we will cut ties. i hope not, because he's nice and interesting to talk with. he's attractive, but i don't have this romantic interest in him.

• i simply haven't been watching my college classes. next week will be the final exams. and i'm glad that is so. i hope next semester will be better. i want to change to a modality that has more online classes. i'm afraid of losing my scholarship. but i think that it would be worth it even if i lost it.

• i had a big insight about how i should let my body do its thing. whenever i interfere, i screw things up. for example, some years ago, i wanted to sound better. but after a while, my voice got very whispery and it was sounding artificial and unpleasant. and i would get a sore throat because of that.

so instead of trying too hard, i should trust that my body knows what to do. i mean, there are billions of years of evolution behind me. so i guess nature is more competent than my little ego.

 

thanks for reading

feel free to dm me if you want a self-actualizing friend, hehe

[kag101]

gaining weight...

 

it's nothing that big, but i dont like having to worry about that. i'm kinda traumatized, as i struggled with mild eating disorder in the best.

but i know that there is definitely room for improvement in how i have been eating. for instance, desserts. there is a huge difference between eating a small portion and a huge one.

so i will try to make these changes through self-negotiation. 

Self-negotiation >>>>>> Diets

 

My fears are

1) end up thinkign about food way too much

2) my appettite stops working properly. so even if i ate, i will still be hungry.

 

the first day when making a change is always the hardest. and if i don't succeed and end up eating like i was, then i don't really have to worry that much because i don't have a huge problem.

that said, i do feel like it's important to invest some emotional labor into limit how much food.

the trap is getting neurotic about that and end up getting too rigid, which can happen as i have this tendency.

 

facing things head-on

i didn't know if i was going to step on the scale to see my weight. but i decided to face it. i was inspired by a lecture i saw yesterday. it's of a guy who has a terminal cancer and knows he's going to die in more or less 6 months, but he faces this situation in an amazing way.

it's really inspirational. btw, you don't have to watch the whole thing. just the first 6 minutes or so.

[kag101]

cutting ties

this past week was challenging.

a guy who i was friends with benefits with decided to cut ties with me. he said he had fallen in love. it sucks that happened.

i cried a lot when i saw that he had unfollowed me on instagram. i still had some hope that we could be only friends...

i understand that in some cases, being only friends doesn't work.

i'm calmer now. so i can see the situation with more clarity.

 

analyzing

i had some very deep and satisfying conversations with this guy, and i found him attractive.

on the other hand, he is not emotionally balanced. he battles with depression (with suicidal tendencies), and he's also unhappy where he's living

every once in a while, he would screw it up. but, because i had seen the potential in our relationship, i would try to get over with as quick as possible. then, there was some stability. but sooner or later, he would do another thing that would make him lose points with me.

so basically, i think it was for the best. our interaction was causing pain both to me and to him.

i feel like it ended prematurely though. .

i wrote him a letter, which i will probably not send it, in which i vented for 1 hour. it was important.

in a way, i'm kinda glad that our relationship is over, because i was worried about his mental health. and now it's as if this burden was taken off of me.  and i'm glad that i won't have to deal with his drama anymore.

without some emotional stability, it is impossible to cultivate a friendship long-term.

 

grieving as if he had died

but i won't lie. i miss him. and i know that he misses me too.

there's nothing left to say about this. it's over. and gradually i will overcome this, meet new people. and he'll do the same.

when i realized that i wasn't going to talk with him anymroe, it felt like he had literally died. it was painful. we tried to work things out many times, but it didn't.

i'm grateful for our interaction. it was positive, and i will remember him for the rest of my life. i wish we would be in touch for a longer time. but that was not the case.

that said, it's better to end it prematurely than to drag it for a very long time.

it was the first time that something like this happened to me. that is, having to cut ties because another person had fallen in love with me.

 

being truly mature

i'm glad that we ended things on good terms. he communicated what he was feeling and his decision. it was painful, but i understood it. it was a situation that helps me be a more mature human being. an adult.

being truly mature is so good. it's not about rigid self-discipline. but it's as if i could have a good relationship with my inner child. being rational & caring towards my innocence. 

it's hard to accept. but i've gone through similar situations, and i know i'll survive.

what if he gets in touch with me again? i will ponder whether i want it or not. because right now i don't even know if i want him to be in my life. and i doubt that he's going to change. he's a very monogamic/romantic type of person.

 

random stuff

• i've been trying to swiping on tinder for like 10-15 minutes per day. it's statistical. sooner or later, i'll meet some cool people.
• i had a match with an attractive girl, and that was a good surprise. she's fun.
• i was talking with my therapist how i'm afraid of other people falling in love for me.
• the internet can be a very toxic place. when my screen time is higher than 6 hours, then it gets toxic.
• i went out with another friend, but i didn't kiss him. i was not in the mood for it. anyway, it really helped me. because i had been spending too much time by myself and on the internet. it's important to hang out. it distracts the mind.
• i wish i was enjoying my college experience.

[kag101]

PISSED at my college

,my vacations end this week. and i hate that i'm not looking forward at all to returning.

my first semester started really well. the teacher was great, and i felt like i was really learning. but then, the other teachers were just... bleh! crap. fortunately, i didn't watch the classes because they were online, so i didn't have to worry about attendance.

i'm not optimistic about this new semester, and that sucks. i know that studying can be fun! sure, there will always be a suject that i'm not fond of. but those should be the exception, not the rule. if i get 0 pleasure from the majority of classes, then it's time to rethink whether i should continue.

i was trying to change to a more hybrid version of my major. but the freaking college only has vacancy for classes in the evening. i say that's BS. i got really pissed because of that. i don't know how the hell would there be no more spots. after all, i'm already in that class. i'd be literally in the same class. the only difference is that i would go to fewer classes.

this was very frustrating. i was almost making it work, but then... BAM! "no more spots"

i will persist on trying. i've scheduled an in-person meeting with the staff of the college so that i can explain my situation. theoretically, they don't deal with that kind of problem in-person. but i will try it anyway. i feel like this is my biggest odd for succeding in continue to study. i will see what i can do. 

i've been considering taking evening classes. i'd rather continue to take morning ones. but we'll see...

i'm getting anxiety just of thinking about having to wake up early everyday to watch boring-ass classes. dang...

 

it's been challenging times...

[kag101]

i was reading some of my earlier posts

On 25/04/2021 at 6:42 PM, kag101 said:

new classes college - excited

that is me some months ago. the classes that i ended up taking were very crappy.

and right now i feel the opposite of that. i think it's going to suck. and in-person classes will probably return. so i will have to watch those stupid lectures.

i mean, i acknowledge that i'm oversensitive. it's just that i don't want to waste my energy with something that i don't like.

and the classes that i took last semester were doing the favor of making me get aversion towards psychology, which is something i really like. it's just... dissapointing...

i was so excited after my first class. it was really good.

i'm feeling sad because of that. at some point, i had thought that i had found something that i would enjoy doing and which was tied to my life purpose. i'm craving for this stability in regards to the direction of my life, and that is something that i haven't felt in years.

 

On 26/05/2021 at 2:06 AM, kag101 said:

i'd say i have 65% chance of changing the modality and keeping my scholarship.

hello, Future Self, did that work out? i hope so

no, it didn't work. you don't even have the chance of changing to this modality.

i'm really pissed that i wasn't able to change to the hybrid version of the major. 

why didn't i think about this when i was enrolling to classes?!?! like how come i didn't think how the fewer times i go to the campus, the better. but no... i followed the stupid advice of my therapist "oh, i think the more in-person classes you take, the better."

it pisses me off. and now i'm fucked.

i will have to deal with a lot of stupid teachers. i will feel like a slave to my schedule. i will feel that typical sunday blues.

one thing to keep in mind is that if it sucks, this can be temporary. it's not as if i'm doomed to have the pathetic lifestyle of most people, which includes hating your occupation. 

 

[kag101]

hello! 

chess - writing down goals is magical 

i've made some nice improvements at chess. i was stuck at 800 elo. but then i started playing longer matches (30 minutes per player). and i prefer because then i can focus on the chess itself, and not so much about time management. 

i have reached 900!  that's pretty cool. and, guys, i can't stress enough about how powerful writing down your goals/desires are. it seems so simple that a lot of people simply don't do it. but it's almost magical how it works. 

On 02/04/2021 at 11:39 PM, kag101 said:

high expecation:

i would be really happy if i could have a 1000 rating by my birthday (which is in September). i guess it's doable.

April: 466

May: 566

Jun: 666

July: 766

Aug: 866

Sept 966

i had set this goal in april. and i'm pretty sure i'll pull it off. 

 

 

the mind can be a son-of-a-bitch.

why? because it can simply forget about all the progress that i've made, all the problems that i have overcome and simply focus on what is going wrong in my life. 

i feel like just being aware of this bad habit is already a big step towards overcoming it. 

obviously, being harsh on myself for focusing too much on problems will not help at all. 

fire cannot be put out with more fire. only with water. 

 

sometimes the most important thing to do is DOING NOTHING

i'm anxious about whether i'll be able to change my college classes to the evening. that was the only option for the hybrid version of psychology. i'd rather study in the morning, but i think it's much worth it having: 

classes 3x a week in the evening  

vs 

classes 5x a week in the morning

it'll be much easier to convince myself to attend the classes if there are fewer of them. for instance, if i'm having a sunday blues, i can say to myself:" it's okay, you just have to go on monday and tuesday; then, you'll have two days off." >>>>>>>>> that'd be really neat 

but right now... i simply have to wait. i'd say there's a 85% chance that it will work out. my biggest worry is whether there are spots for the evening classes. if there aren't, that'll suck. 

they said it usually takes 2-3 weeks to get a response.  

so right now i have to exercise my patience muscle. 

it's not easy to not let anxiety take control over me. it's all about emotional intelligence. 

 

question out of nowhere 

there's this guy whom i talk with. and he's really really nice. he's really simple. he grew up on the countryside, and it has sort of a purity in him that it's really rare to find. anyway, yesterday he asked me out of nowhere if it bothers me that he's "evasive" about romantic relationships.

and he also wanted to know what do i want from him, that is, being just his friend, boyfriend, friend with benefits, etc. 

i said that i think it's hard to assess that given the fact that we have only met in-person once. but that i think it would be good to just let things roll, without the need of giving the relation we have a label. 

when i first started talking with him, i got totally infatuated, up to a point in which i was sleeping poorly. he really reminded me of a guy i was really into but who lost interest in me lol. so i projected this onto him.  

but fortunately, things settled. 

would i have a monogamic romantic relationship with him? idk. 

 

a written down goal 

i've started to really go out with people recently (1 year and a half). so i'm still exploring. 

unfortunately, i still haven't gone out with a girl. 

speaking of writing down goals, 

i want to go out on a date with an interesting girl by the end of the year.

i have a clear preference to guys, but i also like girls. 

 

a missing piece, but maybe should have focused on it another time 

 i also wrote him that one thing that i notice about him is that we don't really talk about sexual things. a few months ago, i was trying to crack some dirty jokes. it didn't really work tbh lol. 

and, like it or not, to have a relationship with someone the person has to have a "sexual" side. if it's just water, then it becomes boring. fire is also needed. 

i kind of regretted to having written that. maybe i should have left it to say that on another occasion. but whatever, it's nothing big. 

he hasn't replied yet. i'm just going to let him take his time. i'm curious to see what he's going to say. lol. 

[kag101]

always some BS to deal with 

there's always something  wrong in my body that i have to deal with. 

right now, it's some wrist discomfort that i've been getting. and it's probably because of mouse usage. i did some research, and it seems that vertical mouses can help with that. 

it's so annoying because before yesterday i had never felt any type of pain for using the mouse. and now it's as though i'll never be able to use a regular mouse without feeling pain. 

 

a lot of things in my life i have to adapt for my "special needs"

• the way that i use a pen.

i can't really draw with precision, because i can't curl my thumb. if i do that, it starts to hurt. this also happens when i'm typing on my phone. i have to let my thumb on a neutral position. 

• the way that i sleep 

i have a whole ritual that i do every time before i sleep so that i program my body to turn to the other side in the middle of the night. this helps me to minimize pain in when i wake up. 

• milk 

i started to drink lactose free milk. i do eat cake, sauce, etc that have milk with lactose... 

• in-person college classes 

i'm desperately waiting for my college to say if i can change to a hybrid version of my major. just by thinking that i have to go to school every day makes me anxious. 

• drinking water when i'm speaking 

the most common physiological symptom i get when i'm anxious is that my throat gets dry. whenever i have to speak with someone for a long time, such as my psychiatrist, i always bring a bottle of water to take some sips. and if i don't have water when my throat is dry, it's going to be impossible for me to continue. 

• always using a ear plug when i go to sleep 

this started when there was a construction going on next to my house. it was extremely loud. and they would always start super soon, like 6 am. so i have developed the habit of always using one to prevent any unwanted surprises, such as waking up because my dog is barking. 

• my mouse has to have some support for my ring and pinky finger 

this is really rare to find, but if i don't have this, it starts to hurt after a while 

 

sometimes i fucking hate my hypersensibility to everything. if, for example, i don't have an ear plug when i'm going to sleep, i will get neurotic about that. 

i mean, at least i have the option to adapt. would i wish that i didn't need to do all this effort to make things comfortable for me? yes, i would. do i exaggerate sometimes on ergonomics and that sort of thing? yes. will saying to myself to "man up" help? nope. 

 

>> the key to overcoming hypersensibility is self-negotiation <<

 

the bottom line is, even though it sucks that i have to do all those adaptations, and that a good portion of them are a waste of energy; some of them aren't. 

if i have learned one thing in my life is that the "macho" approach to dealing with problems does not work. this is an oversimplistic strategy, and life is much more complex than that. 

being too soft isn't the answer also, as if everything is going to magically solve itself. no, sometimes action is needed. 

i guess that the biggest problem is the anxiety for fixing the problem quick. 

this stems from my fear of developing a chronic problem. like, having wrist pain 24/7 and not being able to use a computer mouse or play the piano.  

 

random stuff 

On 11/08/2021 at 8:41 PM, kag101 said:

would i have a monogamic romantic relationship with him? idk. 

 

it turns out this guy friendzoned me. i think that he did that because he's afraid of hurting himself by having that sort of intimacy with me. 

and honestly, i'm tired of him in that sense. like, i'd enjoy to kiss him and try it out, but, seriously, he lacks a sexual side. and i'm not going to try to wake this up within himself, as he clearly doesn't want to do so. 

 

• i did a eyebrown piercing a few weeks ago, but today the fucking thing got off of my eyebrown. and when i was going to try to put it back, it dropped from my hand and fell on the drain of my sink. goddamn... 

 

• my piano teacher has now a very busy schedule because he'll do a lot of concerts. he cancelled last week's class, and he's not going to reschedule it. Lol... i let this pass, but i made sure to let him know that i was doing him a favor. but if this keeps on happening, then maybe i'll have to take a break. 

 

• fear of abandonment >> it's as if sooner or later every aspect of my life will colapse and i'll hit rock bottom. 

 

• the next few days are going to be hot. i've been waking up at noon, so it's probably feel uncomfortable to wake up with that heat. 

 

[kag101]

i bought the freaking vertical mouse. and guess what... i didn't like it. 

 

it lowered the discomfort on my wrist, but then i started getting pain on my pinky and ring finger. 

honestly, it's really annoying. 

I spent $50 on it, and i don't think i can return it, since i opened it... 

one thing that i am experimenting is to have some sort of cushion below my wrist. hopefully, this will work. i improvised. if it works, then i'll buy a mouse pad like this one:

 
excess of information can be worse than ignorance. 

i started to watch a bunch of videos about how regular mouses are like the devil for the wrists. and something that i had never had a problem before, suddenly, felt as if i had always had it. 

i couldn't resist the urge of buying this fancy mouse. well, at least i didn't buy the really expensive one. that's a lack of emotional intelligence.

but anyway, if this cushion below the wrists work, i am planning to buy the following mouse: 

 

it's pretty much identical to the one i'm using right now, but it's more expensive and people have given good reviews. the one that i'm with right now is too heavy (and i think this can contribute to the wrist pain) and the accuracy is garbage

i'm curious to see the result of all of this mouse drama that i'm going through. like, when this started, i had a ray of awareness of like, "Oh... okay, so this is the 'unsolvable' drama this time. alright let's see how it goes." 

i have this huge fear of coming across with a problem that i don't have the solution, and that i'll have to simply accept it.  

however, to this day, that has never happened.

 

i'm not very confident though. i'm experimenting right now, and there is some discomfort. anyway, i'll see how it goes. and i will not force myself to go through pain. i know that doesn't work. a slight discomfort is ok, but after a certain point, nope. 

 

my college still hasn't replied if i can transfer to the hybrid version of the major. aaa...