Tripping on 9g of Mushrooms with my Grandma

[NatureB]

I woke up yesterday and ate 9g of mushrooms mixed into some yogurt. It was going to be my last time doing mushrooms but I had such a blast that I may reconsider. Once I started feeling some of the effects I kept telling myself to relax and let go. Let whatever happens happen. I didn't want to resist it. 

Then I got the urge to pee so I went to the restroom. Inside the restroom I was dreading going back to my room to be alone, so I went to my grandma's room to hangout with her. What a surprise that must have been! I was high out of my fucking mind and at one point I kept celebrating Nelson Mandela's freedom from prison after 27 years lol. I was literally screaming at the top of lungs about this hahaha. My little cousins were scared and intrigued and I couldn't keep a straight thought in my mind, I kept bouncing back and forth, starting something and forgetting what I was talking about halfway through. 

My eyes kept watering involuntarily. I felt hot tears running down the sides of my face as I laid down on my grandma's carpet. I think there was a lot of anger and pride in those tears. I remember a voice telling me that I don't need to try to understand my emotions any longer, I just need to accept them and feel through them. Grandma was watching the news and I was consciously aware of how the news programs people. You have to consciously challenge the beliefs that the news will give you.

I was thinking about an ex of mine a lot from 7 years ago, who I still am not completely over for whatever reason. I've dated tons of girls since her, but there is still a lot of emotion around her, such as regret and lust. I think that if I meditate on these feelings consciously I can really get over her.

I also had a huge insight about my step-brother. My father's father's father was an Italian who must have made the voyage to New York City in the early 1900s. Then he had my grandpa Dominic who was a cop. What a fucking stressful job, being a cop in NYC in the 60s. Plus he had 7 kids, which means his life was a constant grind. He treated my dad like shit because he was always stressed out, and then my dad grew up with a negative self-image. He passed that along to my step-brother, treating him how he was treated by his father. On top of that my step-brother was molested by his older step-brother from a different dad. Then when my step-brother lived with us I always felt a weird, sexual, creepy energy from him. He would be inappropriately touchy and it felt like he couldn't help himself. I remember he would make jokes about masturbation and it would make me uncomfortable. This must be one reason why I have an aversion to sexuality! I am going to bring this up with my therapist as well. In the moment that this all ocurred to me it just felt like I "knew" and I could see all of the puzzle pieces line up. I wish that I wrote it down when it occurred, because it was gold.

In terms of spiritual type insights, My vision was out of this world! I could see things before they happened. I kept having the sensation of moving before I actually made the decision to move. For example, I would be thinking about opening a door as I sat on the floor, and at the exact same time I was standing up and opening the door. It was trippy, I was in both places at the same time. I was trying to explain to my grandma how everything has already happened, and I could see that I had no free will. My attempts to understand reality were already decided by reality. It was like everything was already determined, and I could do nothing to change it or alter it. It was like all possibilities exist at all times, including the past, present, future. This is another thing that I wish I wrote down while it was occurring, because a lot of it has been lost.

My eyes were fucking gigantic. I've never seen myself like that. My face looked wider than normal to me, and for some reason all of my skin felt soft and malleable. I was able to melt into my bed like no other time in my life. I felt like a big pile of goop. I watched Eric Andre's Netflix special "Legalize Everything" and I have never laughed harder. I recommend it!

Lastly, I was having insights about how much I don't care about other people. I see people as burden's and obstacles. My family for example, I just want them to support me and not have an attitude. I was in my bed for about 3 hours during the middle of the day thinking about my family and my coworkers, and I was feeling so resentful. Then I went out to sit with my family and I couldn't help but cry. I felt so guilty for thinking that way about them. I want to value them more. One practical thing that I am taking from this is to be more concerned with other people. It isn't all just about me and what I want. I want to give my family hugs more often

I wanted to quit my job so fucking bad yesterday! But instead of texting my manager that I quit, I knew it was just the heat of the moment. I feel much better today, and I want to use this week before I go back to work to really think about what my next step in life is. I am 24.5 and I want to have another stream of income, something that can grow and change into freelance work and that pays, maybe something creative. I want to move out of my moms house and support myself. I was feeling like everything is futile yesterday, I am already too old, I've wasted my life, I don't have any skills, etc. But I can see now that I just need to start and be committed. I can do this stuff.

 

[kag101]

8 hours ago, NatureB said:

This must be one reason why I have an aversion to sexuality! I am going to bring this up with my therapist as well.

I recommend you do. That is an important topic. 

[NatureB]

@kag101 thanks. Seeing him Monday, and doing a lot of work in the mean time.

Did you have something similar? Or why are you urging me to tell my therapist?

[Advocate]

@NatureB Sounds like a nice trip, although the title made me imagine  that your grandmother took mushrooms as well

[NatureB]

@Advocate I tried getting my gma to do mushrooms in the past. She was afraid because I told her it helps people accept death, by which I only meant get over some of the fear. She thought I meant that people want to die after taking mushrooms, like I was trying to kill her lmao.

After seeing me she said "I had no idea that's what it looked like!" I think she's open to it now haha. But I'm not pushing her to do them at all.

[Cireeric]

@NatureB sounds like a nice trip and many Insights, but I dont know if its something you should do with your family members. I dont know how much they understand this and maybe it could scare them to see you in this states and make them worry for you. I couldnt do this with my family members.