Need advice about my self-destructive mom

[somegirl]

I think I can even say she's self-destructive in her thinking and beliefs. She has typical victim mindset. And is very negative.

This is serious so please read.

Her life story - she basically decided to be stay-at-home mom and devote  her whole life to me and my brother. I think it's because of her lazyness and lack of ambition, but she says it's because she wanted that. I think we are her purpose now.

She cooks and cleans, has her friends, watches tv series in her free time, but other than that, she has no hobby, nothing else she does that makes her passionate about life. 

However, she does complain about everything in life. She says how "we are the worst" in our big family because everyone else "progressed" and got richer, and we stagnate. (again, she doesn't contribute any money to this family, and that's her her choice).  She's 55.

She feels like a victim, and she feels gulty for my brother that got sick, she thinks it's because of her and she cannot get over it. She blames herself. So she tries her best to make it up to him (even though she did nothing wrong).

However, my brother doesn't appreciate what she does for him. And always complains about her, how she doesn't do anything. (He is bitter about her lack of ambition and lack of money my parents had all our lives). And it obviously makes her sad, to say the least.

She's also kinda paranoid and a perfectionist. When I got a little bit ill, she gets mad at me for getting ill as if I wanted to. And she immediately assumes the worst. I dislike that.

Now, as a 55 year old, she has given up on life. And i see that. She basically doesn't go anywhere for pure reason to enjoy the time, she told me today she doesn't have anything she can look forward to in life. 

When I ask her why she doesn't read books or does something she enjoys, she always tells me she doesn't have time. Which is awful excuse. Because other women who have jobs, their own family and also do house chores, can still manage to do everything else. 

I can't even begin to tell her she needs to work on herself and maybe get into self help. I can't suggest her that UNLESS she feels that need herself. And she doesn't, for now.

I don't know how I can help her. She's emotionally hurting herself. I also dislike her lack of ambition and willingness to enjoy the life. She is like a plant. 

What would you guys suggest I do in this situstion? 

All I know is that I don't want this to take a toll on me. I don't want to be dragged down with her. 

 

[Willie]

That’s her choice. She is a victim of herself. If she worries you, tell her how you feel. And you can make choices for yourself. Nobody can force you to go down that path with her.

[The_Alchemist]

Get her gifts; books/music/painting/drawing kits/acting lessons, anything that encourages her to create as opposed to consume

Move her away from negative topics to at least neutral ones; shows she enjoys, music she enjoys, movies she enjoys

Honestly budget a certain amount of money for getting her non stop gifts to show her she is loved

Edited January 12, 2021 by The_Alchemist

[abrakamowse]

Does your mother likes to watch movies? Maybe some movie that is more uplifting or with positive messages can help her.

[ertopolice]

20 hours ago, somegirl said:

I think I can even say she's self-destructive in her thinking and beliefs. She has typical victim mindset. And is very negative.

This is serious so please read.

Her life story - she basically decided to be stay-at-home mom and devote  her whole life to me and my brother. I think it's because of her lazyness and lack of ambition, but she says it's because she wanted that. I think we are her purpose now.

She cooks and cleans, has her friends, watches tv series in her free time, but other than that, she has no hobby, nothing else she does that makes her passionate about life. 

However, she does complain about everything in life. She says how "we are the worst" in our big family because everyone else "progressed" and got richer, and we stagnate. (again, she doesn't contribute any money to this family, and that's her her choice).  She's 55.

She feels like a victim, and she feels gulty for my brother that got sick, she thinks it's because of her and she cannot get over it. She blames herself. So she tries her best to make it up to him (even though she did nothing wrong).

However, my brother doesn't appreciate what she does for him. And always complains about her, how she doesn't do anything. (He is bitter about her lack of ambition and lack of money my parents had all our lives). And it obviously makes her sad, to say the least.

She's also kinda paranoid and a perfectionist. When I got a little bit ill, she gets mad at me for getting ill as if I wanted to. And she immediately assumes the worst. I dislike that.

Now, as a 55 year old, she has given up on life. And i see that. She basically doesn't go anywhere for pure reason to enjoy the time, she told me today she doesn't have anything she can look forward to in life. 

When I ask her why she doesn't read books or does something she enjoys, she always tells me she doesn't have time. Which is awful excuse. Because other women who have jobs, their own family and also do house chores, can still manage to do everything else. 

I can't even begin to tell her she needs to work on herself and maybe get into self help. I can't suggest her that UNLESS she feels that need herself. And she doesn't, for now.

I don't know how I can help her. She's emotionally hurting herself. I also dislike her lack of ambition and willingness to enjoy the life. She is like a plant. 

What would you guys suggest I do in this situstion? 

All I know is that I don't want this to take a toll on me. I don't want to be dragged down with her. 

 

I feel all that

Mine has a serious issue too

She even got no friends or hobbies or career and now it's throwing all her life anger on me and my dad but she does not acknowledge that she needs help.

So diffcult

[No Self]

Sounds like she lacks an adequate community and social network and has fallen into a pattern of depression.

It isn't clear if the situation can be helped, but remember the importance of focusing on your own level of consciousness first and foremost. 

[somegirl]

9 hours ago, neutralempty said:

I can only tell you how I would proceed.

I would say:

mom, you're obviously not enjoying your life right now. I believe you need to rethink your situation. If you need support and directions I am willing to help and point you towards, but I cannot stand anymore this nonesense. It is burdening me as well, so I will emphasize with you, when you're willing to change.

 

I have a similar issue with my mother slowly getting sicker and I told her that it is not too late to jump on a plant based diet, that would help, but I cannot push. So all I can do is inform her and tell her that her suffering will get worse if not the right change occurs.

Thank you, this sounds reasonable.

I am the youngest in family so my word is often not taken seriously. I'm sure things woukd change when I start making money.

I hope she gets better. I hope she realize it's all in her head and that spirituality will help her get out. 

[Ajay0]

I am glad to see your love for your mother and interest in her rejuvenation.  There is an Islamic saying that heaven lies at the feet of mothers.

 My mom is also a bit of a perfectionist and used to lose her temper for trivial reasons. Her  temper improved a lot after we got a sweet dog for ourselves who loves mom deeply and follows her around. Also we got a new house where she could work on her garden which she lacked before. She loves gardening.

 

 I think you need to find your mom's interests and provide an outlet for her creative energies.

Edited January 13, 2021 by Ajay0

[somegirl]

5 hours ago, No Self said:

Sounds like she lacks an adequate community and social network and has fallen into a pattern of depression.

It isn't clear if the situation can be helped, but remember the importance of focusing on your own level of consciousness first and foremost. 

You're so right. I'm working on myself. 

Started maditating. It's like a safe space, feels good. Hope she realizes she can also calm her mind this way and get better. She's not yet at that level of consciousness.

[somegirl]

1 minute ago, Ajay0 said:

I am glad to see your love for your mother and interest in her rejuvenation.  There is an Islamic saying that heaven lies at the feet of mothers.

 My mom is also a bit of a perfectionist and used to lose her temper for trivial reasons. Her  temper improved a lot after we got a sweet dog for ourselves who loves mom deeply and follows her around. Also we got a new house where she could work on her garden which she lacked before. She loves gardening.

My mom also loves gardening! Our garden is most beautiful in neighborhood, and people who come here always make comments about it.

But I'm afraid she often overlooks such positive things and easily forgets. Like she is unable to be grateful.

I feel like her life will also improve if I started bringing my parents money. I wish I can buy them a house or renovate current one.

[somegirl]

14 hours ago, abrakamowse said:

Does your mother likes to watch movies? Maybe some movie that is more uplifting or with positive messages can help her.

She does watch a lot lf tv. Which I feel is not productive oftentimes and makes her lazy. But will look into some suggestions. Thanks.

I think she has to read books, to stimulate her mind and intellect a little bit. But she says she doesn't have time... Which is again an excuse.

[ajasatya]

@somegirl Wanna help her? Live a wonderful life and inspire her.

[Nahm]

It can be helpful to acknowledge to yourself that you feel the resonance of your thoughts, and she feels hers. It’s not as grey as it appears. You can not stress enough to relax someone, you can not get inspired enough to motivate someone, you can not get consciousness enough that someone else realizes anything. 

But you can be an example by living the life most authentic to you. And you can drop your narrative if you want, buy her some flowers and thank her for loving you and caring for you, in her way, the actual way, not your idea of a better way that isn’t actual. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@somegirl Listen to @Nahm. Like really listen... Love ya be well. 

[abrakamowse]

2 hours ago, somegirl said:

I think she has to read books, to stimulate her mind and intellect a little bit.

I agree with that, but maybe if she's not so open to books maybe with a movie she can begin to open her mind to the idea of reading some books.

Maybe you can make her watch some movie about books hehehe... not sure if it will work but maybe it's worth trying.

Dead Poets Society maybe?

Edited January 13, 2021 by abrakamowse

[Nahm]

@zeroISinfinity

“What’s with all this trying to understand each other?”

- Love

[zeroISinfinity]

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@zeroISinfinity

❤️

Quote

“What’s with all this trying to understand each other? "

 

 

?. She can't grasp it atm but it's ok. What exactly you are trying to say. 

Quote

 

 

- Love

Eternal. 

Edited January 13, 2021 by zeroISinfinity

[somegirl]

On 1/13/2021 at 0:29 PM, ajasatya said:

@somegirl Wanna help her? Live a wonderful life and inspire her.

Good advice. Thank you..

@Nahm Thanks, as always, for your wise words. 

 

23 hours ago, Nahm said:

But you can be an example by living the life most authentic to you.

Spot on...

@abrakamowse Will try to then, thank you!

[abrakamowse]

@somegirl ?